Sheldon Pharis Patteson books & "Bapehbe" (pine cone honey/jelly)

My change-up of the waking routine worked reasonably well for day 1. The switch to 'sunrise' based alarm timing without the "SAD" light had me waking a bit before dawn as expected, but without the pressure of having to get up within a fixed window of time. I still got up, somewhat naturally, and our usual routines fell into place without much deviation. I felt more rested, which helps, considering I was up again at 2 am and struggling to get back to sleep. Again. A recurring pattern that I wish was not. I took the Patterson books to the Saratoga museum and met with Annette, who will put them into their display with attribution to Linda for the donation. It's amazing how the older I get, the more I appreciate history. I guess we become more aware of a time before ours as we get close to a time beyond ours. I arrived in Saratoga early, so I stopped by the cemetery where Linda has buried up the road. All of the flowers left there remain, wilting and dying. It seemed poetic and poignant. I felt a sense of sadness at it all, not that I've not, just that it felt more immediate in that spot at that moment without distractions. I met Marlin for lunch in Los Altos. While waiting, I got into an interesting conversation with the host, Brian, about a Bison protection agency in Wyoming. And Peruvian coffee too. People are fascinating. It's always interesting when you get a chance to hear somebody's interests. Well, usually but not always. Lunch with Marlin was good, and it was nice to have some face-face time and even talk about wines and Paso and Palm Desert and non-work stuff. I met Randy after for coffee, a C-level doubleheader of sorts. I let him know I was pretty 'raw' as far as being overburdened by the intense life/work demands, and he was very supportive and empathetic. After lunch with Marlin, including a discussion about getting 1:1 time with our spouses, I reached out to Jen to suggest we go to "Divine Cheese and Wine," which she'd found and expressed interest in. It was awesome. We had a wonderful early evening enjoying the most incredible cheeses and meats with a 2018 "Mon Coeur" Cotes De Rhone from Mauves, France. We're having fun tasting imported wines and finding them enjoyable. The cheeses included "Cana de Oveja" (soft, ripe, served with Russian pine cone jelly), Oakdale Gouda (2yr aged hard crumbly gritty, served with homemade hazelnut brittle), Hornbacker (Manchego-ish hard cheese but pungent, served with pickled okra) and a Meredith Dairy Australian goat cheese that was creamy and marinated in oil, served with a spicy pepper jelly). We shared a slice of cheesecake (phenomenal). We tipped heavily, and I posted a review on a few sites to help drive business their way. Tommy called, upset, shared that he is having panic attacks and waking up crying after awful dreams about his mom's suffering. I did all I could do to console him and support him through this. I get it, it's traumatic and traumatizing, and he's just at that age where there's a collision of shared emotions and those being constrained that build up and overflow over time. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my own experiences through that but not enough considering theirs. He's pushed so much down, and she's done the same, just differently. I ended the night in a round of texts with Mary, reflecting on our paths, pasts and parallels in these past few months. We have to find a way to connect in person. Hopefully, she'll come to stay and visit with us on what I've dubbed the "Victor Sprinkles" tour and get into Tears for Fears on 6/2. This was a really good day of connections with friends, my wife, my children, and my colleagues. It feels fulfilling. If I sleep ok, I'll chalk it up to that. :-D

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.5 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 6107.6 steps, 🧘🏼15 min, 🛌 4h:52m

Another crappy sleep. Sigh. I am rethinking some of the timing on alarms now that I don't have to manage dropping Laurne off at school. I still value getting up and out and doing more with my day than just waking up to start work. Having an hour or two each morning to manage the routines and needs for my own sanity makes Geoff a more pleasant person to be around, and causes him to speak in the third person too. What got me started on this path was the act of waking naturally. The "SAD" light helps in some ways but I think I'll try something new starting tomorrow, skip that, and set alarms based on sunrise, which I can do within the Home app. I'm also going to stop tracking metrics for sleep because I don't and won't wear the AppleWatch to bed and the metrics are not about sleep they're about 'inactive tech'. My sleep sucks so maybe I'll just monitor quality or just stop all together. It's not like it matters unless somebody's looking for an explaination as to my mental breakdown being correlated to sleep deprevation. Work was ok but i'm still behind and still struggling to keep up and stay focused. I'm having 1:1's tomorrow with both RP and MM and I hope to get some traction out of that. The dogs have completely stopped barking. Those collars are actually working really well. I'm hoping it stays consistent. I met Bonnie and Kelly at Panorama today to give them a chance to get some of the items of Linda's that might resonate for them to have. They didn't take a lot but what they did take seemed to matter and that's what the idea was about. It's such an undertaking to clear that place out and the complexity is overwhleming. As was actually getting her death certificate today to mail to Kathy. Lauren's license came, too, and she's continuing to show an increasing degree of independance and maturation. It's rewarding to witness. Tommy's worked with me on booking one of the dive outings in our Hawaii trip next week and Lauen/Jen's Disneyland trip is just around the corner. I think this is going to be a good break and a welcome distraction for all of us. Now all Jen and I need is a week away solo.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.6 lbs,❤️ 63.1 bpm, 👣 5791.5 steps, 🧘🏼15 min, 🛌 6h:5m

The Undertow

I am attempting, somewhat unsuccessfully, to balance curiosity and closure, while ignoring the breadth of sadness that comes with pausing long enough to allow empathy and compassion to stall my path of avoidance.

If I stop long enough to comprehend the humanity behind the significance of this past week, it breaks me. It's tragic, aggravating and confusing all at once. It makes me wonder what I'm doing with the time I have left, and if I might consider it wasted in the end.

Isn't every moment worthy of complete attention and conscious choice? Do I control the rudder or just drift with the current?

But these days, it's like a wave is breaking over you

Dragging you in with the undertow

If you lay among the graves, you will see other ghosts

Getting up at 5.55 am, or at least allowing the 'SAD" light to gradually illuminate the room in tandem with the 6 am introduction of chirping birds in unison, had me up by 6.15. I'm not a fan and long to linger, but I'm sticking to it because by 8 am, it's worth it. That extra time is welcome. It's just hard getting up in a bright room with darkness outside. Maybe closing the blinds would help? My daily "Calm" meditations were about perspective and presence – the classic "blind men and an elephant" parable and a practice focused on a single object's existence, origin, resistance, etc. Ultimately the latter is a trigger to walk mindful of everything around you being, well, just 'there.' It's powerful and pretty mind-blowing to consider all of your surroundings. It makes me recall a conversation with Thew about set design in a film and how everything's consciously chosen and put in place on purpose. In life, the presence of everything as we walk the dog, for example, from the home, lawn, sidewalk, street, landscaping, drains, trees, birds, clouds, etc, is all 'there' and warrants consious recognition. It quickly gets dense to be considering the "presence" of everything we otherwise think of as "set design" in our own independent experiences, including all the "extras" walking their dogs and experiencing everything from their perspective. Including us being 'extras', too. I started our walk with this awareness, but the routine kicked in, and I stopped paying attention at that level. I worked from Panorama for the AM and was busy enough to stay well focused and reasonably productive. I gathered more things to read and called and collaborated with Kathy on some tasks in flight. I'm still struggling with the reality of her death. It's a conflict of intention and ability. I'm trapped in the reflection on life, on journals that reflect insights and insecurity akin to my own, yet belonging to the person I had a 15+ year bond to while missing the insights I am gaining only now. Would it have mattered? Her sister says no. Given that they had as much if not more time to influence a conscious awareness and change in her perspectives that would have otherwise taken her on a path to far greater happiness and far less angst and depression that she otherwise endured. They could not achieve it, which makes it somewhat ludicrous to imagine I might somehow have had a chance to succeed where so many others failed. Yet innately, I can't help but wonder if it was within my grasp and abilities. If I was 'the one,' that could have made a substantial difference. There are 15+ years of vivid real valid examples of how that is absurd. Still, it's a haunting refrain. Matt met us for dinner at Opa, where we enjoyed two bottles of Biale (a 2017 "Stagecoach Vineyard" Zin and a "Black Chicken" Matt brought) and appetizers as we just talked and laughed and enjoyed connecting. I'm so grateful to have had this friendship for 43+ years, and as we age, the history is as rich as the reward of having it. I'm hoping Jen and I can coordinate on the upcoming fall trip to Washington. It's time to start balancing life and work as family transitions and the kids go off to college. I walked through and booked one of Tommy and Karl's diving trips for Honolulu and if he can convince the rental car rep to let him be on the rental agreement at no cost to me, it'll make my trip all the more chill. That's an appealing option. As is the conversations with Jen about returning to Sac once the kids are in college which, if I rented Panorama, could be a great "Plan B". TBD.

Up an into the the routines…. Check. Removed and 'taped up' Lauren's broken windshield wiper and with Jen's advice, simply gave her high level directions on where to go get a new one and left it at that. Teaching a daugher to fish, as it were. Tommy's egg bites served him well and I was grateful AF that we managed to not descend last night into arguments over the plastic containers he bought. I heard back from the counselor and we're setting up to meet this week. My work focus was for shit because I was and remain consumed with the scanning of Linda's writings and journals. I'm just finishing up tomorrow. I got the kids 529 fund transfers started for college expenses. Jen and I went to Costco and stocked up on stuff while my tires got rotated. All in all a decent day but tiring too. Physically and emotionally.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 62.6 bpm, 👣 5465.3 steps, 🧘🏼10 min, 🛌 6h:37m

I did not sleep well last night, at all. I ended up doing some research about sleep tracking. The metrics in these posts are simply the time my watch and phone go unused but not measurements of sleep details. I thought I'd try out sleeping with the watch but then read enough to think maybe that's not a good idea. I go back and forth with technology and feel myself gravitating towards the mimimal range again. I like and reply so much on tech but it's also invasive and addictive. Lauren and I had breakfast this am at LG Cafe. We've not seen each other for awhile due to schedules and such so it was nice to get some 1:1 time. She went off to work and Tommy retuned from camping but was away much of the day too, which allowed Jen and I to just have some time working on things around the house. Shades of things to come. The dog bark collars arrived and seemed to be working surprisingly quick! They all but stopped except when we returned from errands and Scottie started the repetitive pattern but stopped very quickly. The collars don't shock but they vibrate and it intensifies until barking stops. Fingers cross for this being a solution. We found a clothes steamer on CL after Jen said she'd like one and picked it up. Filled the tank too, hit and stopped at $100. Wendy was right, there's a dollar limit at the pump. Bet that changes soon. Picked up a couple of GOBM Pinot Noir's to try. 1st we tried is decent – nothing to rush out and buy more of and nothing to dump or set aside for cooking. All in all a nice simple day. I needed that. I'm hoping i'll sleep beter and tomorrow will be the resume of my weekly routines as I try to return to a more focused work presence.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 62.6 bpm, 👣 5814.5 steps, 🧘🏼10 min, 🛌 5h:55m

I got up and out of the house early. The clash with Tommy signaled the late-warning signs of a mental breakdown regardless of the earlier 122/77 BP measurements. (Boasting). I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge before more shit flew. I'm beyond fried. I feel like I'm suffering from PTSD, and my focus seems to be avoidance of the greater realities. I can't fully comprehend that the mother of my children and the woman I was married to for 15 (20) years is dead with complete awareness and conscious embrace. That I sat and watched her breathe her last breath with our children. How does one comprehend that? For them at 18? I think it's hit Tommy harder than he's willing to admit, while Lauren's perspectives are likely more balanced for her views today but will still be subject to the evolution of adulthood. And to have sat and watched her body lowered into the ground, to have walked about the open pit to gather and throw roses into her casket before leaving, with continuous detachment, seemed totally and uncharacteristically detached, almost inhumane. Is it a coping mechanism? I think so, yet the realities are too in her family's validation of my own experience over the years. Kathy and I met for coffee. This is at Starbucks near Panorama. I discovered that the affidavit required 40 days after death before the sale for the pilot's sake, which pulled the run out from Tommy's otherwise aggressively rushed desire to get some capital out of the possessions. Kathy continued to share familial insight and observations into her character and needs that drained others and me. I also found and started reading through several journals that hit a nerve. Linda was a wonderful writer. Far better than I can ever expect to be. I wish I had recognized that sooner. She journaled for some time, from late high school through her early adult years, and what she wrote resonated with an era, youth, self-discovery, and introspection. I wish I had lived with a greater appreciation of this, but it was overshadowed at the time. It was also distilled. What you write about at 19 is more detailed than what you share in a conversation at 37. That's the case for all of us, I expect. But OMG, what a treasure to find these amongst bins of cards, letters, and notes. the woman kept EVERYTHING. I reached out to her friend Debbie, and she replied with enthusiasm and an address to which I'll be mailing her a collection of saved letters she exchanged with Linda in the early 80s during her stay in Paris. I also reached out to the Saratoga Library, a founder of which was her relative Sheldon Pharis Patterson. I'll be meeting with them next week to donate some historical books that'll be displayed with Linda's name as the donor. I can't emphasize enough how good this feels because I want to ensure her name and legacy are carried on in her absence. Why? I've written about it elsewhere – it's a simple gesture of honor and respect for the person. Her sister and I discussed and agreed that what was at her core, as far as intention goes, was overshadowed by whatever drama and damage occurred that fractured her security early on. Abandonment, anxiety, fear, depression… biological or psychological or both overshadowed what she could focus on and make happen. It's ultimately tragic and heartbreaking. Especially when reading her earliest writings and recognizing a core baseline intention that I think we all had in our youth in that era. We worked out the logistics with Gardner to hold on to the sale until we resolved the mandated processes. He's fine with it. Tommy's been moderately more engaged since our blowup last night. Lauren's been working all day, 1st at Vasona and then Yogurtland. Jen and I went to Pano, worked through the remaining bins, and sorted out all the possessions to the point where we were 90% ready to segregate what has value. Little does. Even fancy antique plates won't fetch more than $5 at best after fees, and that's not even allowing for time spent packing and shipping. I think the optimal win will be to post a 1-day estate sale with a tight 4hr window and a two-week lead time to build up interest… then show up, accept offers, and clear things out without dealing with the rest of the mess that is selling things. It's just not worth it, and we need to move on. The volume of 'artifacts' i have thrown into the recycle bins is awful, but the hard reality is that nobody but her cares about the every-single-Christmas card. But I am very proud and excited about what we DID retain - key letters with character insights throughout her life, childhood homework and more. We've weeded out a 'best of collection that my kids will be grateful to have in Time, as I was to have met and learned so much about my father from his 1st wife. Tommy's at Grant Ranch with the scouts tonight. Jen and I did sous-vide steaks and enjoyed the 2nd half of the 2017 Sangiovese (2 down, 12 to go). Firepit time until it was too cold for her. I've made the most of the freedom while anticipating a need to be aggressively PSMF tomorrow to prevent a gradual creep continuing in the wrong direction. I'm honestly sincerely feelign that previously mentioned PTSD. I am  gradually realizing this is all real, the past year has been real, and all I've gone through getting to this point led to the conclusion of her life. I said once, early on in this whole situation, that her passing was the closest to me that would not be personally devastating. Perhaps the scope of the devastation is wider than I acholowkedge at that point. Like everything in my life, there's a lot I would do differently if I could go back. And that, though, makes me wonder what I'm not doing today that I'd do differently next year. Being this introspective can be torturous.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 62.1 bpm, 👣 6094.5 steps, 🧘🏼10 min, 🛌 5h:2m

I had a decent start to the day but still after fragmented sleep. Haunted, it felt, with all that's transpired. I managed the usual routines and am work tasks before heading to Pano where I met with Barbara and Kathy and Austin too, to go thorugh the wide range of Patterson and DeMortiere family possessions. 4 hours later we were done and surprisingly little is being taken. Primarly because of space and age. It's stunning how much she gathered and stunned Barbara repeately as things turned up. And now, along with so many many other items she collected, it falls to me to make the decisions as to what little is kept and what mass is discarded. It's really hard and upsetting to manage this reality, knowing how much this all meant and that much if not most of it has some sort of family historical and/or sentimental value, yet I'm faced with loading bin after recycling bin with cards and letters and more. yet what value does it prove to be in the end when it's not seen the light of day for at least the 24yrs since we married? That's what's really heartbreaking and even inspirational for my own (dramatically smaller) box of cards and such. Do I toss it now, leave it for somebody else to toss or just find a way to make it visible and incorporated into my life enough that there's more time enjoying it and less time walking past the box it's in on the way to something seemingly more important. I lost it toight with Tommy over his sullen attitude and standoffiish behavior and I raged at him for some time because I am so broken at the moment, whle neglecting to consider his own 'broken' state too. I feel horrible. I tried to recant but after all he's been through, it's just shitty timing for us to be hitting buttons. I'm waiting for Kate to confirm some dates for counseling and i'm vowing to never get so angry at him and to let go of the hope that there's a relationship to salvage. It's been made clear that there's noe. I just want him to get off to college and have a better life than the one he's lived and is living here. He's so bright and so conflicted. I hate that I let go of a criical part of authority in the marriage that might have changed this dynamic for the better. Nothing sets me off quicker than his disrespect (as was the case with his mom) while nothing stops me dead in my tracks faster than when I see a tear in his eye.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.1 lbs,❤️ 62.9 bpm, 👣 6672 steps, 🧘🏼11 min, 🛌 5h:2m

Passing Thought

Thank you for having shared this time. It wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad, either. As I told your sister, I gained a great deal from having known you and I'll carry the good forward with our kids and in your honor.

Epilogue

Intermittent nights of sleep spent reflecting on this epic and dramatic change in our lives bookend the beginning of this chapter, just over a year ago, which itself began with a dramatic change, intermittent sleep and reflection as well. All culminating today in her burial at Madrona, putting her to rest beside her father and brother some 20+ years earlier than I or she ever anticipated.

Perhaps this is more accurately seen as the final chapter of a volume in the series of each of our lives. But this was far more than a chapter for Linda. It was the conclusion of a series of chapter-filled volumes. It was the literal end of her story. The end of her life.

I’m feeling profoundly aware of and even disoriented by this moment. Similar to how I have felt closing the back cover of a book I became consumed by. Comprehending that final sentence, the vast breadth of the whole body of work and all I experienced reading and following along with the story until the last page was an empty one. I’ve done this many times reading engrossing and impactful books. Along with that reflection and my deep appreciation for the journey, there’s been a silent pause that follows. A sense of completion, closure, reflection, gratitude, and awe.

And then, a poignant stillness as the finality settles in before the next thought tends to be “…now what?”

Lauren shared a bit more tonight than usual about her feelings around her mom's passing. I believe she's starting to put it into context, reflecting on how she won't share another Thanksgiving with her or know her grandchildren. I acknowledged that, along with not seeing her driving, a graduation on the horizon, college. All of it. I reminded her that her mom will always be a part of each of us, and we will carry her memories forward and incorporate all of the positives she had into our futures. I shared this analogy of her mom's final chapter while each of our own books are still being written.

Our children's own volumes are under way. They are already writing the preface as they come into their independance and early adulthood, about to transition from high school into their college years.

I intend to apply the lessons I’ve learned from this “chapter”, the experience of this past year, to the year ahead and beyond. To stop letting inconsequential inconveniences get the best of me. To maintain healthy relationships and positive habits that move me towards goals and successes. To be honest in who I am and how I want to be while not caring about what somebody else might think. To being more genuine, removing judgment, withholding negativity, listening more, and taking a hell of a lot less. To appreciate the nuances of every little moment that makes up an otherwise mundane day. To live with conscious continued gratitude to be living at all.

My next chapter awaits.

Clearing The Heir

Seeing and talking to Barbara and Kathy was incredibly validating and liberating. To share grief, remorse, frustration and shared perspectives on an apparent dysfunction was illuminating. And freeing too. It let me break through that barrier of what 'should be said' and honesty. What should be said doesn't make it untrue it just means there are boundaries of protocol and social, ethical expectations. While honestly is just that. Saying I can love and care about somebody I can't live with is just a simple fact, and why should I expect to have stayed in dysfunction that everybody seemed to know themselves but never speak out loud about.

What began as a seemingly borderline-routine day turned into a day of loss and gain. The loss, the passing of Linda, their mom, after 13 months heavily documented here, is too personal and complex to attempt to digest here. I'll do that elsewhere and likely more than once. The gain is Lauren's passing her driving test and obtaining her entirely unrestricted license to drive. Mark came to Panorama while the kids were with their mom and he helped tackle some primary demolition measures while also capturing all the tasks and options for us to move forward. For now, Linda's sisters are coming Monday and I will be focused strictly on getting things organized so they can easily review and make decisions about the family's historical items they might want to retain. It's been one hell of a long and dramatic day and I think I'll just leave it at that.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 158.8 lbs,❤️ 65.4 bpm, 👣 7431.3 steps, 🧘🏼15 min, 🛌 5h:13m

Surreal Yet So Real

What seemed to take forever has just happened so very quickly. 

I’m at the end, tonight, of the 13 month-long buildup to a life-changing day for myself and my kids, having just experienced the single most intense day of my entire life. Without a doubt, nothing even comes close. 

It was also the single most intense day of my 18yr old children’s entire lives, only, in comparison, they’re 18, and this was their mom. While I’m 60 and we’ve been separated and divorced for over eight years.

My father’s death was a surprise to me at 27. At the time, I was relatively removed and disconnected and did not know how to process it all in the slightest. Now, it’s likely one of the things I think about and write about the most. Life experiences did that. Having children of my own did that. And Linda brought those children into my life, wearing down my resistance over five years, lobbying against my defiant apprehension.

Their mother’s death today will likely take as many or more years and as many or more life experiences to take shape for them. Their respective relationships with her were as complex and complicated as was my own. Is that somehow unique and uncommon? I don’t imagine so, for even a moment. Everybody, myself included, has their own opinions and takes on their parents and childhood, irrespective of the perspectives their parents themselves had in parallel.

Linda and I had talked many times during our marriage about growing old and reaching a point where we would float out to sea on inflatable pool chairs with a set of his & hers needles. We also talked in-depth about what we each would want our final moments to be, were one of us to die before the other. We promised to ensure those wishes were met, yet we promised many things, actually, throughout 15 years of marriage. Until it became clear that we could not live up to so many of those promises as life’s illusions and realities collided.

When Linda’s medical team conveyed that she’d likely not make it through the weekend, I told her sister that my desire was to be there with her when she passed. As few as 12 hours later, her sister called me with the news that the same medical team had just told her that Linda’s time was running out more quickly than expected. I grabbed my keys, dropped off a work call, ran out to gather my kids, and we all rushed to her bedside.

This past year has been filled with angst, fear, hope, acceptance, confusion, frustration, love, caring, reflection and compassion. From all of her friends throughout the earliest days at home, through treatments, routine visits, dinners, ice cream marathons, all right down to that moment this morning when she took that last breath while our children kissed her forehead and cheeks, held her hands and told her she was loved. The promise I made so many years ago was the promise I am so grateful I got to fulfill today.

I’m operating in abstract shock and disbelief, even though this has been coming for months. As it played out this morning, I put all of my efforts into being fully connected and consciously focused on her and the kids while taking it all in. Although it felt and still feels like a dream, staying attached and present throughout the roughly 90 minutes we had left together and another 30+ minutes beyond her passing allowed us to say goodbye and give thanks to the moments throughout this life we shared.

What kind of promise is unbreakable?

What kind of passion is hard to resist?

What kind of man turns his back on the real and the physical?

What kind of love is this?

What kind of truth is invisible?

What kind of future does not exist?

And when things fall apart, and the center's not holding

What kind of love is this?

Right now, someone is echoing the silence.

Right now, someone is waiting for another pin to drop

Right now, someone is praying for patience to go on living

Right now, someone is saying, "Just make it stop.”

Too many words are unspoken.

Too many moments and lives wе've missed.

Therе's a line to be drawn between endless and infinite

What kind of love is this? 

Shame (Cry Heaven) - Tears for Fears

It's been a long and complicated day. It seems they all are. And I want to consider that good. Ultimately as much as I would welcome a break from the chaos, stress, and heartache of all that's been happening, a couple of weeks of total malaise would be unbearable. Oddly enough, one of the pillars of this experience, meaning the past 13 months facing her imminent death, has been an increasing appreciation for life. I woke up listening for and hearing Tommy leaving to go swimming. I felt a nostalgic and reminiscent pride in his diligence and drive. I got up, got a couple of Calm sessions in, walked the dog and boom, it was time to go. Lauren getting her license will make for a welcome change in my daily routine. The crawlspace work finished at Panorama, and I went to SRC, where I faced a daunting experience. Although being present for her vomiting felt like a hardship, it was nothing compared to today. As I entered, she was sleeping, snoring loudly, with eyes wide open. I sat with her, held her hand, stroked her forehead and talked to her. I like to think she heard and understood me, but I have nothing more than an optimistic spin to base that on. And perhaps the fact that she calmed slowed her breathing and gently closed her eyes. I simply spoke her name, told her she was ok, safe, under the best of care, and would "be ok'. That's not saying she'll recover but more of a spiritual and philosophical statement. Whatever is to come, she'll be ok. I talked to Dr. Silva, and we called in the hospice nurse and her sister so we could caucus about the changes and road ahead. It got grim or perhaps optimistic depending on how you view such things. He's indicated that she may die in the next few days. It sounds like the downward trend these past couple of days is in line with the pattern of impending death. It's still surreal to consider. Jennifer asked me how I was, and I said, "numb, detached and focused on compassion". I feel attached and detached at the same time. I've got such a challenging history with this woman while also caring and never having stopped hoping for some form of reconciliation regardless of the sporadic bitter blog posts. Today, I was told she might be dead in a few days. That hit hard. that hit Kathy hard. Not because it's a surprise but because it's a surprise. I guess I can't explain it beyond knowing that somebody is dying vs being told it's going to happen this weekend. It's, as Bonnie said, a finality that changes our experiences. Ultimately, life is hard. relationships are complex. Living without what you need in a relationship is complicated. And sorting the baby from the bathwater is hard too. Jen Tommy and I had dinner at the Maroni's tonight. I overate and drank too much, but I needed the diversion. Tommy and Vinny were engaging yet aloof. As one might expect. I'd called Tommy earlier, and he came to SRC to see his mom. Lauren wasn't interested in doing so, and as Tommy said during his visit, the interaction is gone; there's not much to do. I wrestle with that. As I told Jennifer, maybe she hears and comprehends me without being able to indicate so. In any event, I'm anticipating that that finality will perhaps resonate with the kids at some level, now or soon. For me, well, shit, I don't know how to process this. I love Jennifer, deeply and dearly, and I'm so happy. I thought last night how awful I was made to feel about wanting to leave an unhealthy relationship and how much disdain my ending up with Jennifer bought to our interactions. I recall the conversations. The tears. The sobbing. The bitter destine and admonishment. The wailing at tcourtroomoom. All of it and more, culminating in this moment as a muted symbol crash fading ever so slowly to sustained black.

I finally got a decent night's sleep last night and lingered awhile longer than usual which put a time crunch on the am routines. I ended up taking the CRV and dropping Lauren just in time vs taking time to use the mini. I started working and didn't take a break until after 1pm. Crazy busy and productive workday. Jen came and worked along side while day 2 of the crawlspace mitigation continued. Things with Tommy are better, and i'm both optimistic and introspective on ways to help him evolve and better manage how we interact. It's never been the case that force worked with him, even in his youth he would press back on direction. And he's learned to not accept no when sometimes that's hte only answer he'll get. He and Vinny are testing the waters on a vending machine idea. It'll be interesting to see where it goes but i'm so seriously proud of and pleased about their efforts to find an ethical "hustle", as he calls it. The crawlspace guys let me dump some materials in their truck for disposal which really helped me clear some junk out. I have an offer out to a candidate for the data analyst and i'm hoping they accept tomorrow. I started stocking the wine fridge in the garage and i'm still figuring out if and how it'll all fit. I found a great option for a new fridge on craigslist that Jen and I will go see and likely buy on Saturday, which in turn means making room for it until we remodel. It's going to start getting a bit "Rubik's" as we shift things around. The feedback from the care team at SRC is that Linda's recent issues with swallowing are indications of her final days, which is weird to write and think of. The closer this ending comes the more unbelievable it is that this has been her last year and that my life has been so dramtaically impacted along side, including more consious recognition of the value of each day. I still loose sight of that way more than I retain it. I'll always want to work on that more. Lauren's windscreen for her mini came and we took a PM drive to test it out. With the windows down it's a 50% + improvement and with them up, it's 80+ easily. It was worth it. 

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 158.9 lbs,❤️ 65.1 bpm, 👣 6912.1 steps, 🧘🏼16 min, 🛌 5h:3m

 I have an unhealthly obcession with symmetry in my video meetings

Noah's Rocks 

Oh it certainly has been a pretty eventful couple of days. I groggily spent the entire day today in Panorama while they did the first steps for the crawlspace moisture barrier. I barely slept last night because I spent the night tossing and turning and getting up and doing a lot of research related to something that my son shared with me late last night after an aggressive explosion of anger and resentment and distain for treatment over the last few years. That of course was directed at him from me. I took off to cool down and he followed. We ended up having a seemingly honest conversation. There's so much involved. I can't even begin to document it here. There's a lot going on for him, a few decisions made he regrets and desires to do over. The whole situation boils down to years of bad parenting and poor communication. I blame her, I blame myself (relentlessly), and I blame him to a good degree because he simply knows better. However at his age, with so much insecurity in his home life, tensions make temptations more persuasive. He and I have a lot to work through as we rebuild our trust and come to some new agreements in a new manner and with a new understanding. We can't go back but we can move forward. I can throw a rock in any direction and strike a contributor to the overwhelm this kid must be feeling but I have hope the ashes bring forth a phoenix as he transitions into adulthood and hopefully off to school. Lauren got excepted to and seems to be pretty much fixated on San Diego State University. I'm thrilled for her. It will be far but it'll be good for her hopefully Tommy will follow his options to continued education or if not, a desired career path. I hope to discuss that more with him this week. I had a good intake conversation with Kate, the counselor who is unfortunately based in San Francisco but seems to be well-suited to the need I have for Tommy to get some guidance and direction. I'm thinking that if we make the journey up there to meet with her for an hour we can take advantage of the timing and get some lobster mash while we're there :-). I visited Linda tonight after dropping her at work and was apalled to find that she was sound asleep in an empty room with no food tray and no nurse but a mouth full of food. It's absurd that they continue to wake her to feed her and even try to feed her when she doesn't wake. I notified Kathy and she notified them and I will talk to the doctor on Thursday as well but we are pretty much setting the mandate out at this point that if she's not awake just let her keep sleeping. I know they mean well but they're also just stuck in a routine and mindset. As I walked outside it was a really nice evening. I heard crickets and saw a full moon and soft clouds and just really felt alive. On the web at the very last moment before turning on my street to go home I decided to go instead to the Boy Scouts Court of honor that was underway in Los Gatos. Tommy had sent me a message after an earlier argument saying that he just wanted to give me a hug and go for a mountain drive. So I surprised him by showing up and we did just that. He drove back and he drove like a maniac but I'm guilty of having set the baseline. And they pretty much knew he had control but I think it was an opportunity for him to show that he had taken the pebble from my hand, so to speak. At one point while I was driving and we stopped at an intersection I looked up and saw the same full moon and scattered white clouds and a couple of planets and just looked at him and said "we're alive". It's a thought I felt as I walked from Linda's hospice facility earlier and I wanted to share it with him. He sort of shook his head and looked at me like I was crazy and I continue driving. But I know that moment at all those prior drives will resonate deeply one day for him as some of his finest memories of this time we have shared. I dropped him back of his car and went straight to pick up Lauren before heading back home to end this day "with my wife and my dog". I'll hopefully have a far better sleep tonight than I had last night. He might too. 
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.2 lbs,❤️ 65.4 bpm, 👣 6707.4 steps, 🧘🏼19 min, 🛌 5h:34m

Retrieving a piece of ham, "Operation" style

I had a very direct conversation with Tommy this am after listening to some helpful podcasts and taking some high level notes. I laid out some very clear expectations and I am 100% ready to follow through with significant immediate and irreversable consequences. He's 18, and adult, and responsible for himself and the outcome of his actions and treatment of others. And i'm done fucking around and trying to ignore it as if that makes it stop. I'm just cutting it off and ready to cut him out if need be, it's not ok or excusable or defensible or justifed or right in any manner. Jen and I hit Panorama again, and he was there and tried to poke the situaiton again but i refused to engage further and restarted my expectations of his action and behavior. He's avoiding me at this point and i'm fine with that because I fully expect this is only going to get harder, but so is my heart. Jen and I worked through 1/2 of the garage, brought down the antique desk from the rafters and while she and Lauren cleared out the American Girls stuff I got the back wall of the garage moved around  so it can be used to stack bins and boxes as we work through what stays, goes, or gets tossed. So much is getting tossed. It's so hard but it's not realistic to think i can manage the level of giveaway items while trying to clean and clear in parallel. I did manage to put out and post CL ads giving away coffee makers and backpacks and other assorted items but even that's a time suck in an otherwise busy day. Jen made "Butter Chicken" for us. Lauren and I went to see her mom, and she was in a bad state. It was hard for me to witness and I thought it would be hard for Lauren too but she did not let it show if it was. Linda was snoring loudly, her eyes were wide open the entire time and her face was twitching too. I made a point of staying longer in the hopes of getting her to calm down. She did slightly but it was still very sad and upsetting. I feared it might begin to become more traumatic and this feels like the start of what could be the worst of the worst. We ended the night with a spontanious visit to Jon and Cheryl for some wine and cheese and conversation. We took Scottie and it was a welcome reprieve from the stress of the day.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.5 lbs,❤️ 62.9 bpm, 👣 6354.9 steps, 🧘🏼18 min, 🛌 5h:40m

Hardening Arteries

I think the past 4 days may eclipse, in time and retrospect, the trauma of the past 12 months. Because in these past 3 days, I have had to start removing myself emotionally from my son, and it’s a greater loss than his mom is, yet in his case, doing so is essential for my own survival.



I took today off. I hit my max PTO again, and I wanted to take some time to recoup from last night's rather emotional discussion with Tommy and the rest of the family. I have some reflection to do. I also have a task list that's been overwheming me and I wanted to dedicated a block of time to knocking off a backlog of checklist actions. I dove into calls including dealing with an annoying scenario where a website issue with a transaction hung three times, charging my credit card repeatedly while not processing my order. That took, literally, hours on the phone with multiple people and i'm still not sure it's fully resolved. TBD. 1st world problem but aren't they all. Lauren called from school needing me to bring her contact solution so I ran it over promptly and graciously. Driving to drop the contacts my tire light was on again and i ended up having to manually pump up the front right, it appears to have a slow leak and I have just not made time to address that yet. This things do pile up quickly. I asked Tommy for his dive plans but no reply yet. I also followed up with insurance looking for a "primary care" physician which I don't have, and now I have some leads. I spent time with Linda, she wasn't eating and was non responsive again, I was not able to wake her. I talked to her though, telling her as I have before that she could let go and move on and all would be OK. It's still not quite real even after a year to be sitting with her in this state and be fully consious of and accepting of her actually being on her death bed. Lauren got some great news, she's been accepted to San Diego State University and she's super excited about it. The evening transitioned with Jen and I enjoying a french Bordeaux, some warm brie and time at the firepit talking about the weekend plans. I joined this week's online meditation talk at Big Heart but I struggled with my restless mind syndrome througout. It's harder to still the mind at the end of the day than it is at the beginning.

"All the voices get to be there, but which ones do we listen to?" - Vinny Ferraro

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.6 lbs,❤️ 62.6 bpm, 👣 4859.3 steps, 🧘🏼22 min, 🛌 5h:40m

Returned to Pano again after taking over for Lauren once she drove us to school. Make significant progress by filling 4 trash bins with stuff from the rafters and some lingering glassware from the house. Starting to toss more and struggling with the 'waste' of it all but the effort to find homes is proving difficult. Resecured the hockey net. Cleaned the backyard debris up too, sans the boards which i'll work on this weekend. Pressed for a couple of bonuses for two dev's doing data related work under duress and then used my own funds to send them doordash cards in addition. Took Lauren to her ortho appointment. Heard from Tommy about the hawaii trip funding and agreed with his concerns. Played cards online. Went to walk scottie and noticed a dog across the street that stopped and stared at us. I thought "shit, no leash, what if he comes towards Scottie" but instead he trottled off and at that point I realized it wasn't a dog it was a large coyote! We decided maybe Scottie should be kept inside for the evening. Then I got sidelined with GNO plans due to the increasingly pressing need to address Tommy issues head on. Had a really confrontational and emotional discussion with him Jen and Lauren about the past year, behaviors, tensions and expectations. Still trying to process it all. I've yet to determine just how I feel about what was said and what may or may not come from it. I'm glad I tried, though, and glad I was honest and direct. I think I need to take tomorrow off.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 62.8 bpm, 👣 5211.6 steps, 🧘🏼18 min, 🛌 5h:39m

This unwanted heirloom will be valued again someday, and thus, I'm keeping it accessible out of respect for it's history.

I hear Tommy rise and leave for the gym every morning, even before my own series of alarms begin their sequence of attempts. He's so dedicated to this right now. I'm glad for him. I hope he's getting value from the effort. I remember doing similar things myself. Routines and rituals have their place and value. Mine are still working but still too structured. There's a clockwork cadence to the daily morning's timeline, wherein one missteps can ripple into subsequent parallel demands. I do miss walking, that is certain, and i'm not making enough time in my day to incorprate calls and walking. Maybe I can do so tomorrow. I went straight to panorama after dropping Lauren off. I pulled down all the boxes and stuff from the rafters leaving only the above ground pool, a dollhouse and her antique table. I brought down her father's chair after some 10+ years of it's being stuck away and out of sight. I reached out to Kathy about it, nightstands, the dresser, and I suspect nobody's going to want any of this stuff. That's fine, I'll keep the important historical items for my kids and for her legacy, knowing well what some of them meant. Even if they were effectively hidden and wasted. Every corner I turn in this, I face lost opportunities to have had such a better life experience. Yet I routinely loose my own consiousness about the realities. I was thinking about how i'm saving wine for a future I am not certain I'll have. I see all the time and effort going into trying to find homes for shit nobody seems to want, even if it's free. It's all taking time away from having a better connection and expereience that's waiting just beyond letting go and moving on. Tommy's still a confusion and dilemma. He's so confrontational and offensive then seems to want to share something with me. It's crazy making, as is the concern that he might not be ok, might need to feel valued, and his anger is genuine but displaced. he asked me today what causes glioblastma and it was simply out of the blue. He doesn't bring up his mom any more so it was a surprise. In general i'm keeping a 'safe' distance, emotionally, while trying to stay close enough to be within reach if needed. I met with the flooring guy at Panorama to talk about putting in the flooring for the two bedrooms and later, the rest of the house. A bid should be in hand tomorrow and if it's reasonable we'll move forward. We had dinner at the Priest's with Wendy. Mark was elsewhere. More insightful and stimulating conversation ensued. It's a really good dynamic. I hope we get to do this more often. I'm also proud of having managed my wine consumption for a chance but the ice cream did win me over. Might be a PSMF day tomorrow as I work to maintain the median.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.2 lbs,❤️ 63 bpm, 👣 5289.3 steps, 🧘🏼16 min, 🛌 5h:30m

I had another angry day. Even with meditations, the anger was consuming. Anger about Lauren's driving test. Anger about the fact that nobody tracks their hours at work as is necessary for a monthly task I manage. Anger at Civis for using Google Meet which routinely fails to allow me to be heard and hear. Anger anger anger. And tonight one of the "Headspace" meditations I listened to while shaving post-shower was about anger. In particular, how anger can be misdirected and reflect back too. That resonated with me as the anger I felt today over so many things was far more impactful and lasting on me than any other target. All negatively too. I know logically how futile geting angry about things can be and is yet the reflex is engrained and difficult to circumvent. I think too it has a lot to do with insecurities and a sense of inabliity to accomplish something reflecting on me negatively. As if anger at a situation does not. When I ended my day I was ready to revisit the Tempo role and walk from Care2 once and for all, as yet more unrealistic expectations are being set forth by sales without consideration of time and resources, while we're already overloaded. And at this point I don't give a fuck, let it crash. I am done trying to explain and defend and prevent shit from blowing up so I'll just stop trying. It's that way with the kids, too. Tommy's got hawaii on the horizon but he runs out and spends $$$ on turning his Audi into a further ghetto version of it's forrmer self with a base-heavy stereo upgrade. OK, fine, whatever, have fun. IDGAF. Even Lauren's snarky muttered comments about my driving today are not getting to me either. Whatever they have to say to me isn't worth my time giving consideartion to when it's just about an opinion. I don't care anymore. I just want my life back, without drama.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.4 lbs,❤️ 61.9 bpm, 👣 5656 steps, 🧘🏼14 min, 🛌 5h:27m

What's that line from Henry V? "Once more into the fray…"? That's how it felt today, starting the week off with the routine alarm, resistance and eventual 2nd alarm forcing me out of bed. Putting the phone in the bathroom has served me well, as far as preventing snoozing goes. I still do it at night because I appreciate the opportunities it affords me, time wise, yet it's seldom welcome at 6am. I did get up, did see success in my rituals, and even Jen's getting up earlier of late. I'm thinking the sunlight is helping her, though. We do have to manage time in conjunction with my accompaniment of Lauren to school. Today was her behind the wheel driving test and she failed. I think it's complete bullshit too. They failed her for going right at a green light and, get this, allegedly failing to check a bike lane to her right even though she did look and did see stopped vehicles and there were no bikes… and it was a red fucking light! I was and still am livid about it. I've seen the worst driving in my life over the course of the past 10 years, eveyrbody's completely out of control, and Lauren's been driving wonderfully. I think it's total bullshit and a DMV quota or other unwarranted act. I am seriously angry about it but as Lauren observed, I've been angry about a lot of things lately. She seemed more upset about letting me down than failing the test for herself. She's right. I'm angry. Really angry. I'm at a breaking point if not well past it. Between the bullshit abuse I've endured from my son, the dramatically declining state of their mom, the sense of responsibility i feel to manage the daily demand of both kids who profess to be adults but seem incapable of managing…. Ah fuck it. I'm just angry. I'm tired. I want a month without somebody making me feel bad about myself, about my actions, decisions, indecisions, work decisions, inability to predict outcomes, or that my not thinking it's cold out when they think it's cold out somehow reflects on me as being wrong. Tommy did, for whatever reason, approach me today and hug me and say he loved me but he's done that before and at this point I'm shell shocked and PTSD is kicking in. I've locked into the Hawaii trip including payments and such but I've also setup the flight so he and his friend can sit apart from me, they'll do their own things once there, and instead of the trip being something I had initially thought might give us a chance to connect, i'm a chaperone. I wish I'd said no to his friend going so he and I could bond but at the same time I want him to have this experience including doing things I'm not doing, like diving, with somebody. When it was requested I said test because it's a reciprocal move to do so in return for all the times Tommy's gone along with Karl's dad but it also changes the dynamic. As has how he treats me and sees me. Something I resent the hell out of Linda for and him too, given that it's a choice he makes, not an impulse he can't control. Jen's getting tired of it, again, and I just want my life back. Our life back. The delay in Lauren's license is a minor delay but hopefully in two wek's time it'll be addressed and then we regain some freedoms along side those she aquires for herself. I know full well in time I'll miss them both, perhaps more than I can consider right now given how hard things have become. But for the moment, with all the pressure, it would be a good thing to have even a single week of true complete downtime, let alone a full day. I also know that when their mom does pass away, the likelihood of that changing their outlooks may also come into play. This has been a long year, and it's only March. Oh and of course along with all that's yet to play out, there's all that's yet to happen in addition…. the next thing is likely looming… my mom's declining abilities, Scottie, Jen, who fucking knows. I tend to try and see these things as reasons to be positive and grateful but I guess once in a while I just want to not have to anticipate loss. Sigh. I'll just have to live with that until I die. Don't we all?

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.4 lbs,❤️ 61.9 bpm, 👣 5887.9 steps, 🧘🏼13 min, 🛌 5h:2m

Friday is a blur, but we did end the day at Mark and Wendy's, with Panorama neighbors John and Cathy. It was an engaging evening with good and insightful conversation and concluded with heartfelt welcoming of Jennifer and an understanding and apprecaition for my character as well. That was a hightlight of hte week. Saturday's dinner at Los Altos Grill was the highlight of the week. We've not seen Brent and Kim for at least a year or more and so much has happened in all of our lives. It was rewarding to have some laughter, heartfelt conversation and reflection, and phenomenal food. I think this is a new favorite location. Tensions with Tommy continue. It's reached a point of being unbearable. I'm still not clear on why, but I'm continuing to focus on myself and letting go of what I can't control beyond my reactions, and expectations too. I needed a break today, and took the morning to venture into LG and have a solo breakfast at the downtown LG Cafe, a place I have great memories of as I do uptown. Then I went to see Linda. It was a challenging visit. Her eyes were open and although she was not tracking she did seem to connect. She also tried, three times, to say something, but it was all garbled and unintelligible. A tear formed in her right eye. She eventually closed both and started to sleep. I left feeling sad and anxious about what lies ahead. Neither of the kids seem interested in seeing her and i've stopped pressing the issue. It felt sort of, I don't know, cold, to discuss it with my friends over dinner last night with such a matter-of-fact honestly. Jen work all day at Pano, with Tommy's help, painting the kitchen cabinets and things are looking good for the black on white concept. Yet there is so very very much to be done still.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 62 bpm, 👣 5845.4 steps, 🧘🏼14 min, 🛌 5h:28m

Snap Judgement

"Breaking Point" is a verb.

I'm growing wearly of the routines in place yet they work. Getting up early works, meditating before the day's thoughts consume my focus works, most of the time. Walking with Jen and scottie is a ritual unto itself and works too, although I feel i dominate the conversation too often. Yet with Lauren likely getting her license next week and being free to drive herself to school, i'll have some time opening up and i'm trying to consider options that don't involve extending working hours. I have managed to take calls on walks and that's working too. Yet I want to shake it up and mix it up a bit to keep focused and expanding too. Maybe reintroducing some podcasts? Audiobooks? I had a good work day today, met Marlin at Philz and had some good conversations resolving some conficts and concerns regarding recruiting efforts nand communications. I'm still 'drinking from a fire hose' but also recognize that the chaos can be contained with more focused execution on some key refinemnents and I will be taking that to task this weekend. Lauren made Bordelaise sauce for our Sous Vide Filet mignon dinner tonight. Tommy opened up about his resentment of me for having talked to Wendy about the bb-guns and although it didn't get resolved it wasn't for a lack of effort or willingness on my part. And I got to speak my mind about the absurdity and hypocricy of the grudge in the realm of all that really matters, including my love and concern for his well being. Now it's about what he wants to do with that and I'm focused on working on my own issues. David at work shared access to a Honolulu timeshare that's a total score. I'm so grateful and although it's in Honolulu, it's right at the harbor, low/no cost, and will make for a very easy flow when it comes to their diving endevors. Assuming we still go, which frankly depends on what his treatment of me is like in the coming days before the flight has to be finalized. 

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.5 lbs,❤️ 62 bpm, 👣 6524.1 steps, 🧘🏼16 min, 🛌 6h:1m

I guess the biggest deal going on this week has been Tommy's buying a bb-gun and an air-rifle. It's such a long story but the short of it, for me, is that I just hate guns and don't see them as "toys" of any kind. And I don't consider "marksmanship" a sport. It just hits too many nerves and when he told me he'd bought them and tried to get me to not make it "a thing", well, I just can't. It is "a thing" for me. So I said I would try and then said "no, I can't" and he's now not talking to me. Again. I didn't even say he had to return them I just said not to be stored or shot at the house. Period. Jen's on the same page. We don't want BB's in our fences or the sounds disrupting our peace or having our home become a gathering place for 'sportsman' day. Honestly, the issue with them being kept there is really about drawing a line. I suppose it's not such a huge deal and maybe i'll agree they can be kept there but it's just disappointing to have him have that interest at all. It's hard for me, like riding a motorcycle would be, as a parent. I am really out of touch with this area and other parents have them. In any case we're not talking and i'm doing all I can to just not pull the hawaii trip plans and abort moving into Panorama at all, it's all contention and resentment. I've had a hard couple of days with this, with work demands and feeling completely overwhelmed and micromanaged, and with that recurring feeling of just being in reaction mode. I'd love to take a month off and do nothing but read and write. I've seen Linda a couple of times this week and she's continuing a downward trend. She's apparently not eating as much but she was eating when I visited yesterday. She was almost snoring inbetween and the nurse was saying "wake up Linda" as she fed her. WTF? Do these people NOT get it? Infuriating. Jen's been struggling with the pressures with her work, Tommy, my responses to Tommy and such as well. Scottie's seemed to rebound from that whole awful blood issues but i'm not convinced there's nothing wrong. That was too weird and not explained to my satisfaction. I've been using work meetings for walking/talking time to ensure i keep my daily steps up now that Lauren's driving to school each day. She loves it and I'm enjoying the mini when I get to drive it too. We visited my mom after school, helped her with a few household tasks and will return Saturday to do more. She's aging and starting to struggle with the 'simple' things we take for granted like changing light bulbs. Lauren's been really sweet and helpful. And we got Strada/Quiche too.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 62 bpm, 👣 6020.8 steps, 🧘🏼17 min, 🛌 6h:3m