Exiting 2024

I exit 2024 with an overwhelming gratitude to have the friends, family, and opportunities I have. 

I live aware of how fortunate I am to have lived this long. To be where I am, value the journey getting here, and recognize that I have no future, only the hope of one. To have been influenced by so many and have an opportunity to do the same for others. 

How fleeting and impermanent all of this is, while simultaneously the opposite of both.

A relaxing day attending to yard work, dog walks, and aligning with 2025 intentions. I proudly addressed a couple of Jikoji-related correspondence with well-composed messages. Feedback so far was enthusiastically positive. "Howes Your Coffee" with Mark revealed a substantial book spoiler, which I semi-regret. It would have been cool to see his response when it's finished as it's read, but I'll have plenty of opportunities for that elsewhere. I'll keep it close to the chest going forward. A close friend acted on a passing reference incredibly generously, leaving me speechless and babbling in gratitude at the same time. Quite a feat, by the way. It was cool to see Velma sing tonight at the party with her, Kelly, Mark, Wendy, etc. Another group of friends I have the good fortune to be a part of.Ended the day talking to Lauren about travel ideas for 2025 with she/I and she/Jen, too. And watching Jen laughing at random family guy stuff. Life is good.

Highlights: Visiting Dom and Mary on Saturday night and finally taking the time to reduce and reorganize the clutter that was our drawer of tech (cables, plugs, adaptors, etc). I had an unexpected conversation with a former colleague going through an apparent relapse, who I would like to think I helped while knowing how limited my "power" is. Being completely blown away by this podcast episode. 

Insights: I recognized last night how destructive an ego can be. Tommy had an unexpected visitor return to Pano with him . He tried tosneak them in. I happened to unintentionally encounter them. I rolled gracefully with it and went about my business. I am proud of myself for doing so. It's not just about understanding or relating because I do and I do. What I appreciate was not taking it as an offense or abuse. I don't mind or care beyond the desire to know so I don't have to worry about said unexpected encounter being a surprise or awkward. My control issues are diminishing.

All the Incidentals

This post started reflective, as have previous "year-end" recaps. I even culled a list of highlights, as I have in previous year-end... yes. That.

I want to look only at the current moment and ahead, not back.

Back is not bad, mind you. In fact it's already all here, in these pages, in great detail. And all this "back" has informed and influenced the "now" and "ahead" in more good ways than imaginable. Even in the "bad" back there is good to be found.

Highlights: Having Lauren stay one more dawn, one more day, one day more. Visiting with Frank and Rich at the Forum. Throwing together an update to the Stocking stuffer saga. Focusing on a reset of routines.

Insight: Brevity in one arena allows for verbosity in another.

Stocking Stuffer 2024

As mentioned in prior posts, in December 2003, I thought it would be fun to get a photo of Lauren, our newborn daughter, inside the Christmas stocking she would have for a lifetime. Several years later, I started taking photos of her every few years, holding the stocking and the prior photo. This is the result.

Highlights: Christmas lights at nights. Donating our Vasona "festival of lights" tickets to a worthy cause. The Stanford Theatre for a final 2024 showing. Brunch with mom Lindsey Ryan and our family. Lauren staying an extra night.

Insights: Hearing Tommy and her talking reinforces my recognition of their own transitional and maturing relationship. Christmas eve's outing to see It's A Wonderful Life showcased the warmth of the dynamics between us all. The rewards of this 21 year experience come fully present in all of the memories we have and are making. That Capra film is referenced multiple times throughout my writings for a reason. Setting an intention that I believe I have achieved. The only "gifts" that really matter are shared experiences and emotions that last not just one lifetime, but several. They carry into the next generation as we pass along the essence of something we ourselves once received.

Highlights: "Christmas Eve Eve "seems to be "trending," whatever that means or whatever that matters. I made the most of the day before the day before "the day". The salvageable discarded decaf beans were retrieved, washed and set out to air-dry. In a follow-up conversation about Lucky ripping into and strewing the beans all about the kitchen, I realized that they'd be perfect for the initial trial-and-error steps of the first few roasts. They're pretty much experimental and will be tossed. The dog sorta did me a favor, that is, if I squint and cock my head just right and cut him a generous helping of slack. The granola gift from John/Cathy Schwarz, with heavy cream, was worthy of a 'thank you' text to them. I also had a brief text exchange with Dan Wolfe. I took the opportunity to express gratitude for years of shared experiences and memories at Apple and as his roommate, a time I have not dwelled on much but greatly appreciate. My short-sighted decision to go to Costco at 9.15 at the start of a holiday week turned into a reminder that I need to get my "decision-vision" checked. This prescription ain't working. Although it took quite a while and an attentive eye to possible departures, I was fortunate enough to secure a decent parking spot. I was fortunate to have only one person in the returns line ahead of me. I easily returned several unopened bags of holiday chocolates purchased but not needed for gift bags). Having to get cream and already being there, I snagged some croissants for Christmas brunch and two bottles of their most excellent spiked egg nog. I caved to the impulse. I fucking love that stuff, even though it clearly has issues with me. Fate intervened in the manner of a line running 2/3 of the warehouse length, which made me think the self-checkout would be wise. It was, but they don't let you get alcohol through it. The egg nog was abandoned for the sake of time and simplicity. I had to get on the road and pick up Lauren at the Santa Clara Transit. She and I immediately went on a scavenger hunt in search of our routine holiday egg-nog moment, but this time, both regular and spiked! Welcome to the legal drinking age, Annual Tradition. Go ahead and card her,' I dare you. It took multiple stops, but we were successful. Scottie has made a habit of late to greet us as the garage deer opens. He approached me slowly without seeing Lauren at first. When he saw her, though, he was so happy and excited, as was Lucky. It was a joyous moment to witness. Tommy passed and received his national phlebotomy technician certification after a crash course over the past few weeks. After a quick egg nog tasting with Jen and Lauren, Lauren and I met Tommy at LG Cafe for lunch. It, too, was packed but worth the short wait. The "Iron Skillet"/"Los Gatos Cafe" combo is a tradition and a landmark location in my life, echoing back to my early 20s and throughout theirs as well. Lauren and I picked up a Poinsettia and took it to Madronia to set on Linda's grave, reflecting on her affection for the season and a few landmark moments. It's still hard to recall the efforts to bring a holiday vibe into her life at SRC in that final year. Not knowing if it's fully experienced or appreciated is reason enough to do all you can, in case it is. And I still do. In the evening, L, J and I drove with Lucky and Scottie through Willow Glen. We steered (literally) clear of the more congested areas and hit some outskirts with great results. Lauren and I went on a subsequent mountain drive since it was the one night we had open to do so. Upon returning, Jen expressed having hoped we'd stopped at In n Out. We had not, but WTF, we went for a 10 PM burger run to close out the day.


Insights: Lauren's reference and reinforcement of how she loves the family we have was validating. It's not the first time it has been stated. Just the latest. And since mid-November, there's been a lot of self-discovery going on. It means so much to hear this from either of them. Every time. It reminds me of how such a difficult decision over a decade ago, and with all of the reasons it could have gone other­wise, was the right choice in the long run. And it was difficult, indeed. Unnecessarily. This is another reminder: I am a good person, just too insecure to recognize it as my default baseline consciously. I guess I have more work to do. Good. I'm not ready to retire from learning and evolving just yet.

Highlights: Dog food production nets a month's worth of food, while a slight modification of ingredients removes the hassle and mess of the food processor. Like so many things, it's an ever-evolving process. Neighborhood gift bag production occurred in parallel, and by 3 PM, both tasks, including distribution, were completed in full. We joined Marc and Christy, Leona, Marsanne, and Adelaide at Enchant, the holiday light exhibit at PayPal Park. It was cool, but it was very crowded and very costly. They had spare tickets, but I was turned off by how, once you were inside, food and drink prices were excessive. Jen loves the visual experience, which was enjoyable, as was some quiet time we spent reflecting on the past year, years, and the year ahead. 

Insights: I found my way back this morning. What's real seems significantly removed from what's desired, expected, and intended. The reflection last night on the duality of expectations and disappointment stayed with me throughout the night and into the morning, which I started with a consious reflection on the trappings of anything other than acceptance of not only what I can't control but also, how what I can is an ongoing battle. I can't, for example, easily prevent a dog whose nature is to bark, scavenge, and chase squirrels from impulsively doing so. I have my own interwoven melange of instinctual and learned behaviors to navigate, which requires constant awareness that can only be found far away from impulse and unconscious response.

I've been in a foul mood all day. Lucky had me up at 4 AM, empathetically comforting him as he vomited up more candy wrappers. Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Carmel FTW. I slept in a bit but felt lazy doing so. Jen was having internet issues, which was also annoying because 1: I am the only one who tries to triage the problems when they occur and B: The problem I found was something I'd not expect anyone else to have solved and resolved anyway. Having a bridge supporting the garage door app is not worth the hassle. It's gone. Tommy pushed my buttons, as is typical when asked to clean up the bathroom, and I can only take so much attitude from someone I give so much support to. Jen and I returned from a GOBM run to find that Lucky ripped into one of the sets of sample raw decaf beans I had just received yesterday to roast. I am furious about it. It wasn't even eaten, which is good. So why do this? Just to spread them all over the kitchen, garage and backyard? Two strikes, dog. A third strike means a name change and a short stay at a "facility" before you spend eternity in a wonderful place where dogs run free, play all day and eat all they want. We'll need to give you a tiny shot to help you relax for the trip. OK, I'm not serious, but I have enough to manage with this added oversight. As I said, I am in a foul mood today. The neck and back pain isn't helping either. I also had to wrestle with trying to make sense of why Jen's Apple Watch wasn't connecting to her iPhone and found myself having to resist acting on frustrations and instead reset and re-pair. 1st world problem, yes, but another time suck away from other thing I wanted to do. I know and do consider it a blessing to be needed and able to help. Still, today reminded me of the scene in Mary Poppins when Burt tells the kids to cut their father some slack, that he's carrying the weight of helping and providing for others but nobody's there helping or providing for him. There are things I'd like help with, too, instead of always having to be doing on demand.

I had a challenging day today. I strive to live to a high ideal. One of the best things about some of the StoZenDao authors or people I know firsthand is that they’re all transparently and humbly human in body and mind. Nobody’s perpetually “got this”; they’re just consistently trying their best to “get this” the best they can. Expectations and frustrations are seldom out of reach of one another. We all have challenging days, the purpose of which is growth. After all, tomorrow is another day.

Finally

Now I remember why I stopped drinking. Well, not literally "now, "but overnight and this morning. The night was a clear reminder of how alcohol and I don't mix anymore. At our GNO "Holiday Special" last night, I enjoyed trying three different cabernets from different regions and years. Exploring how each can have its characteristics, smell, and flavor profiles is very interesting. But my non-stop pouring, a habitual nature, put me back into a place of restless sleep, a distended stomach and general misery. I know all this, but even now, if you put an empty glass and an open bottle in front of me, it will disappear over the evening just like a basket of chips will vanish at Aqui. It seems to be my nature to overindulge. My lack of discipline bites me in the ass every time. The weight gain works against me as well, and I know from experience that a lot of these issues are due to a couple of years of failing to follow a simple set of protocols and practices that have served me well in years prior. No carbs, sugar, intermittent fasting, and portion control make everything healthier. Yet somewhere between the car seat and the seat at the table, my best intentions get cold-cocked by a couple of Goomba's with a lead pipe and a shovel. They take my determination out behind the woodshed, laughing maniacally while I set about enacting Webster's dictionary definition of "gourge". Meanwhile, along the lines of self-control, Lucky was left alone at home with unfettered access to the dining room table. It's high, but not high enough. Jen and I were both out, and he found a way to poke about the selection of Costco chocolates we intended to distribute in gift bags to the neighbors. It's hard to be angry at him because he's just a dog and this is what dogs do. And dogs, unlike humans, don't have the same ability to resist impulses as humans do. Wait. Look who's talking. Not only did he tear into and chew open one of the bags of Ghirardelli chocolate squares, but the bastard cleared out all of the Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Carmel ones. My favorite. I mean, for fuck's sake, Lucky, go with the Milk Chocolate next time. Later in the evening, we were forced to attend to the ramifications. He puked it all up. Multiple times. Including wrappers. So, it wasn't the best of nights. Today, however, was a productive day during which I attended to a range of calls and action items but also spent some time just relaxing and not obsessing about calls and action items. Household chores were addressed and coffee beans were roasted (as well as 25 lbs being sorted and sealed after being delivered).

Four Way Ties

Jen asked me last night just how our "GNO" foursome came to be last night. Our "origin story". I began by trying to pinpoint its earliest incarnation: a mix of assorted colleagues meeting routinely for afternoon coffee in the atrium of IL1. What a space that was, and what a historical time to have been at Apple. We gradually and organically settled into a core of four friends, making fluid adaptions of schedules and destinations to accommodate shifts in our respective availability and proximity. Coffee became lunch. Lunch became dinner. In fact, the term "GNO" came well after "TNL" was first coined in January 2007.

No, I did not get my 2-mile walk today but thank you for asking. What are you, the habit police? Haven't I done enough? AM meditation, daily calm, playing ball with Lucky, and fielding a few zen center tasks isn't enough? My god, the level of expectations you have of me is absurd. Sigh. This is the inner monologue I face. Mom's video visit with her oncologist was a positive one. She's doing very well at this stage and may well track beyond the 18-month median. That's great, yet her physical constraints and decline mean a probable need for assistance in the year ahead. It's an occasional need but may become a more demanding or full time need. I will need to put some effort into ways to best manage this and to ensure my time is all accounted for as far as the executor role goes. I am also looking at starting to collect my social security next year, or not. A lot will depend on how long the process takes and if our resources can get me thru to 65. 1.5 more years. Although by then it'll potentially be gutted by the Trump team. Life feels so filled with uncertainty, and yet when is it not? It's just whether we are facing or ignoring it that has any impact. The annual GNO dinner tonight was wonderful and we all enjoyed a nice meal, wines, laughter and an under current of awareness of the passage of time. Never not gratifying.

Highlights: "Howe's your coffee" at 7:15 AM after a walk to Leigh picking up Tommy's car. I keep offering to do so because it gets me up and out. I have let the daily walks slip as winter's cold weather and dark mornings come into their dominant position for the next few months. I will resume tomorrow, along with a few other habits I must maintain. Mom's chemo cycle began today. Although they did not indicate any concern at the appointment, Tommy pointed out later that they all showed a modest decline. Tomorrow's video appointment may shed more details. It could be nothing, and it could be the start of her body no longer responding as well to the treatments. It might be a demanding year ahead. After a stall due to my incorrect assumptions of her new printer's capabilities, I set it up and worked. Jen went and hung out at Christie's for a few hours, and Tommy was at class, giving me a chance to play with more writing ideas and tones for the book. I am wrestling with first or third-person narratives. I am working to bring together pieces the reader can become familiar with while delaying their proximity to adjoining ones until it all aligns.

Insights: This has been one hell of a year. I am recognizing a need to take bolder steps, to stretch beyond my self-imposed illusion of limitations. I have to stop playing it safe and waiting for what I want. I need to build on my recent breakthroughs with C&C, Jikoji and the Forum and make it all take root and grow. I have to stoke the creative fires that have served us well in the past when it comes to creative and artistic aspirations.

Highlights: I have commented before how quickly I forget everything when I let just one day go by without a daily recap. All I can do is try to work backward or turn this into a wide nozzle "spray-of-consciousness" brain dump. I'll take door number two: chaotic ramble. The latest plot twist in the 4128 saga arose in response to my inquiry regarding the whereabouts of the remaining 11, 7 or? "But wait, there's more," came the reply. Two. Details are to be laid out elsewhere in time. I stepped back from a role at @JZC to reduce the amount of work expected from me. I own enforcing boundaries; no one else does. Tonight's Jazz concert at Leigh was the most I have enjoyed live music all year. I was filled with awe at their youth, talent and futures. I recalled the movie "Mr Holland's Opus" as I listened, with an appreciation for how these moments and each person there represented a complete network of interwoven plots and individual human dramas playing out in real time. Tomorrow mom starts chemo again. I want to explore a family gathering for early 2025 with her.

Highlights: Hitting a stellar pace last night on the book that carried into today. It's falling together in a manner that warrants moving much of the notes and ideas into a spreadsheet to help keep them all aligned and cross-referenced; I have to balance several obligations and demands while making room to write this all out. Jen and I met Tommy at the Stanford Theater with the Marionis to see Mary Poppins. I enjoyed it a good deal more than last week. The audience had more kids, and I knew what to expect.

Insights: Reviewing emails, journal entries, and my mindset over time, I recognize a need to reinvest myself in assorted passions and interests—the lighter side of my inclinations and articulations. With a nod to Mr. Allen, "We like your blog posts. Especially your earlier funny ones."

Mindset: Joyful contentment. Perhaps the gratification comes from forcing myself up and out for a morning walk as the sky slowly lightens. It could be the fresh smell of new rain and the love I have for this season, the holiday jazz station playing in the background, the tall green candle on the shelf that has been a cornerstone of my life since I was able to crawl beneath the coffee table it's set beside, the sound of raindrops tapping gently on the skylight above me as Nat wishes me a Merry Christmas. Fresh coffee adds to this, as does the modest weight of Scottie's head resting on my right calf. His body is curled into a half circle in my lap as I sit here writing this, longhand, on my remarkable. I don't have a lot, but I have well beyond all I need. 

Goals: Following up on doggy dental needs, on SSI-related research heading into 2025, perhaps setting about finding the right size monitor for Tikoji & setting up the old Macmini that will drive its use. Although I'm also eager to revisit some favorite seasonal videos with the "Prep and Handling" series alongside "Die Hard" at the top of my wish list. "Jingle-BAM, mother-f*@ker!"

Highlights: My coffee: I enjoy drinking my roast, and today's was delicious. I did a darker roast that I've got set up for tomorrow. The toilet delivery fiasco ended this morning, and Amazon issued a refund at my request. However, the support clerk took credit for it with characteristic improper English. If it were not so comical, I would be more pissed off, and there lies an insight: all pass and become a funny story or a life lesson and experience. I realized the AirPod Pros I bought were the same as I already had, so those go back tomorrow. I used the morning to tackle some calls and correspondence. I will hear back from Stanford tomorrow regarding my Mom's prescription and grant options. Once it warmed up in the afternoon, I tackled the (hopefully) last big leaf raking and removal. Two bins await Friday pickup. The old toilet is also ready for pickup. It is smashed into pieces within the bin with subtle hammer strikes and safety goggles. Good call, Mark. I dove deep into QuickBooks to set up routine automated emails of financials to the board and accounting as a step towards increased visibility. I still want nothing to do with managing or reporting on accounting until we are past the need to answer to investors as a legacy behavior. Still, I will stay engaged as a technology advisor and contributor.

Insights: As mentioned above, my recognition of the passing of anger or other negative emotions is most useful at the time of an incident, not a day later. But for me, that's still a step in the right direction.

Highlights: I felt an unusual degree of angry day today. Or maybe I should say that I acknowledged and allowed routine anger to have more influence than usual. I have so much to be grateful for, yet I just felt off balance today in an irritable way. I was annoyed by a dog I love and impatient with a son I feel doesn't always appreciate or respect me. I was and remain annoyed at how awful the user experience activating the hearing feature on my AirPod Pro 2 has been. The whole experience around insurance for my eye appointment set me off, too, but I'll save that for another post. Just as I was engaged in a text exchange with Pamela about my frustration with the financial position, my phone rang – my mom had computer issues she needed help with, and Mark had arrived to tackle the installation of toilet #1. Not 'just for #1', but @1 of 2 we bought and were installing. It was a "Calgone" moment. Google it, kids. I did my best to keep calm and carry on without carrying on and losing my cool. The toilet installation went well. There were a few too many cooks at times, but in the end, it all came together. What didn't come together was the two toilets. The shipment was munged and mismanaged through several back-and-forth support messages. The responses were so abysmal that, at first, I assumed it was an 'English as a second language' worker trying to understand and respond to fluent English-speaking customers. It was SO bad that I'm starting to wonder if it was perhaps a poorly implemented response bot. I ended up reporting the seller, writing the headquarters and posting the support exchange in full so the recipients could see what was said and how badly it was botched. I ended up requesting and getting a refund, but even still, I don't expect it'll go through because the process auto-refunded both, not just the one en route, which was here in SJ this morning and redirected to New Jersey this afternoon by this totally incompetent support rep! Like I said at the outset. I had a day with anger issues. I took a step back from the financial role concerns and realized It was time to step back from that situation and, as I realized with the code compliance tasks, focus instead on where I have the most influence and autonomy. Where I can be of benefit without being in the way or being on the hook for things I wasn't comfortable being the contact person about. I need to focus on my priorities. My clock is ticking, and I have something really important to me to accomplish. To that point, I returned to some writing efforts and reviewed several historical journal entries, text messages and unpublished notes and observations. I'm realizing I want to evolve the narrative approach with less flourish and more genuine expressions in the first person.

Highlights: Morning coffee, sitting window side while roasting & bagging coffee beans. Going dark (roast) this time. 15.5 @ 444° to be precise. It's an easily remembered routine that allows for consistency. I have enjoyed a few episodes of the "Strangers on a Bench" podcast. I found them grounding and inspirational. Like so many things that pass before me, I want to do that too, and I have a few ideas yet no real sense of drive and resolve to go down a rabbit hole when I'm already committed to something more in need of my attention. Still, it's another item added to my "someday" list of desires. En route to have lunch with Jack (coincidentally at Jack London Square), my mom called. PGE's scheduled outage was causing the smoke alarm that I just replaced the batteries in only a month ago to beep. I was able to divert my route to help while explaining that a battery-operated device wasn't impacted by a power outage. Yet I could hear it in the background, and when I dropped by, I took it off the wall and heard it beep as I did from the other room. It was the carbon monoxide detector. Problem solved. Lunch was great. Jack's been a guiding influence for decades, and I'm grateful we've maintained a connection for almost 40 years. We swapped stories about wives, kids, the election and our love of driving a Tesla. Good times! I just made it back to SJ and my eye appointment with 2 minutes to spare, allowing a bio break before getting an updated prescription and placing an order for new glasses. My AirPod Pro 2 arrived, and I tinkered with the hearing aid feature. It's on my older model, but I got these on Black Friday at a great price, and I think they sound better. I'm looking forward to having an opportunity to put them to the noise test of a crowded space in the near future.

Insights: My mindset right now is somewhere between confidence and concern. The focus on being present and mindful, grateful and connected to all of life's daily ups and downs, can be as draining as it can be fulfilling. In that, there remains a need to be fully reconciled with relative insignificance. Why? I think answering that is life's challenge. "Why" is where enlightenment hides.

EPISODE 3: I Threw My Phone in the Pond Strangers on a Bench · September 30, 2024

Weekend Highlights: I was at Marks' by 6:30 Saturday morning, and off we went to setup chairs at an ideal spot to watch the Los Gatos holiday parade. Right at the corner of the park. While setting out the chairs we realized the parade started at 11, not 9 am, which threw a complication into the plans we had for Jen to join us. She could not. She had other plans and had to leave by 10.30 as it was. 30 min of the parade and the struggle getting in/out due to road closures and crowds wasn't in the cards. It was a relief for her, actually. I still went, taking Wendy and Mark along since we left their car their earlier. I met Velma and Kelly ant the chairs after I moved my car to a closer spot. It made leaving a lot easier when it came time to do so. Tommy joined us, we walked around the streets before the parade began. I was reminising the whole time on being there with both kids for several years of scouting on boh of their sides. They are priceless memories, and it was good to share the experience with Tommy. Once home, I found that Jen's clay pot handles had been broken (by her). I glued them back on and went to pop in at the coat sale. Her response to my showing up was so gratifying. It's a joy to be wanted. When we returned home we found that Lucky ate a huge brick of butter. We assumed it'd come up or out one end or another. The drive to Palo Alto followed, with the goal simply being to buy tickets for It's a Wonderful Life since they sell out quickly. Jen suggested we stay for Mary Poppins, and we did. That too, like the parade, brought back lots of memories, especially of mine, seeing it as a child with my brother and parents in a theater. The Priest's party closed our Saturday. I ate and drank things I regretted doing the next day. This is becoming a repeated reminder. The peopewere fun and we enjoyed meeting them all. Sunday, around 2 am, Lucky brought the butter up. He was shaken and I was glad I heard it and attended to him with Jen's help, calmly getting him to settle again. Jen spent most of the day today at her Cousin's while I puttered about the house. I got my annual viewing of 1951's "A Christmas Carol" (staring Alastair Sims) addressed. To this day, I am always moved and inspired by this version, the acting, and the characters experiences recognizing what's valuable in life as he look back, around and ahead.

Set and Forget

An inner demon stirred today. Slightly opening one eye, I was awakened by the heinous and unforgivable act of betrayal, disregarding one of my most sacred tenets. Losing my shit. Misplacing my cheese. Not putting something back where it belongs.

Highlights:3.5 pounds of coffee roasted. An afternoon with Tommy at Castle Rock and Andale. 2nd row center seat for Hamilton.

A Feature Of Habit

I spend a few minutes at the end of each day staging our home for the morning to follow. Removing obstacles, loading the dishwasher soap and coffee grounds into their respective devices (without, so far, making mistakes in which goes where), setting out the empty dog food bowls, scale and a spoon on the counter (we feed them by weight-50g/75g), locking the doors (including the dog door, given the previous intrusion of a raccoon), and relying on our home automation to manage the lights and temperature settings. It's all become a ritual that I follow at least 80 % of the time, if not more.

I know it's absurd, but I let some insignificant stuff creep into my psyche today. Toxic thoughts, really, are all they were. I spent most of the day being sideswiped by interruptions and incidents, just 'life' happening, yet I was feeling annoyed. Annoyed by the desire, the want, to focus on something else as distractions kept crossing my paths. Distractions I recognized as unintentional, and that's where the absurdity comes into play. I know better. I preach better. Yet I still respond to what I see habitually as problematic with irritation. I punted the AM coffee walk plans in order to research and resolve the missing new toilets, to revisit, refine and eventually get some online assistance helping to reduce the insurance payment, moving funds to stay on top of high yield savings interest changes, chasing down county related updates and being irritated by the lack of clear resolutions being aggressively ensured, and only briefly throwing the ball with Lucky. I also took a "mature driver" test to reduce rates. I was once more reminded that I'm a senior citizen with reduced peripheral vision, weakened response capabilities, and a half dozen other maladies that justify being at risk of losing my driver's license. Sure, that will likely never happen, but I am entering the demographic where it does. Next, I'll attend more funerals, take up shuffle-board and seek out cardigans at Savers, but only on Tuesdays. I was in such a foul mood I was close to bailing, and Brian chimed in on heading over. I rolled with things, knowing he needed the time away. Then HE bailed. That sucked, mostly because I don't think whatever pulled him offline wasn't as fun. Urban Plates did well, again, as a destination, and the time together was welcome and rewarding. I'm looking forward to a focused, productive day tomorrow and to perhaps doing better managing the horror of being needed. >shudder<

Mindset: Trepidation. Or should I say "trip-idation". My neck/arm issues were bad last nght and I'm wrestling with the idea that the next life challenge might be surgery or paralysis. To have being shaken briefly result in this, that's not good.
Goals: Attend to plumbing issue du jur. Draft the forum agenda for Peggy's review. Take action on some additional P1 tasks. Make Egg Nog!
Anticipation: GNO.
Wants: Persistent perspective.

The highlight of my day today is having stepped outside of my circle of comfort and stretched towards a goal. I gave a public presentation on behalf of Compassion and Choices at a small community gathering in South San Francisco. It was well received. The level of conversation and connection that occurred in the latter half was significantly validating to experience. It makes me all the more convinced that I'm doing something of value, and something core to my character and nature. I took the afternoon 'off' to watch "Beatles '64". Tommy playfully 'shook' me and it felt like biking off a curb. The neck/nerve issues were aggravated and it was pretty obvious. That's concerning. It may not be wise to wait to get surgery. Maybe in January. We'll see. I'll watch "Super/Man" to get inspired.

Mindset: Confidence above concern - the day brings what it brings, both planned and unpredictable.

Goals: Present well through authenticity.
Anticipation: Learning through experience.
Wants: A tighter focus – the jet stream vs the wide spray.

I broke my glasses last night. I felt the right side snap and dislodge, taking my ability to see clearly along with it. I don't recall doing anything attributable to the sudden release of its hold on my head. It just happend, in the same manner as a loose screw eventually allowing a lens to escape. It seemed like an easy enough fix with some superglue and attention to protecting the hinges. I calmly noted the event to Jen before casually working to resolve this latest interruption to life, by life. It felt rewarding, a moment acknowledging an achievement Id lost sight of while captivated by the act and actions of doing the work. I rolled with it. I am hoping to make them last until I can get an eye exam done, as I believe my sight has degraded further. My lunch with Oshin and Pamela went well and at the same time my County code effort got overriden. The amount of work piling up around me is getting overwhelming. Tommy met me at the necrology appointment. I sat there with a nurse, doctor, and my son as the doctor sternly emphasised that I was in a bad situation to take risks. The average male has a 12-16 mm spinal canal, while I have 7-10 range. The degraded discs herniation means that even a substantial fall would be of concern. Thing have improved gradually as far as recent pain goes, but the risks remain. I was being told about the need to take it easy because I am now old enough to be high risk for injury. This was like a movie scene. Its perhaps an epiloge to my book. I was looking tonight at some videos I took of Linda in hospice and throughout the year. I realized watching it now makes me sad that, as aware as I was of her fate, I had less presence and awareness of it's significance in the moment as I do in hindsight. I am trying to see life more richly, as it occurs.

Mindset: A scuffle is brewing between my confidence, imposter syndrome and practicality. The amount of time I am putting into volunteer work is feeling more and more like a job complete with responsibilities accountability and disappointment as to what can and does get done. I need a break. And to cut myself some slack.
Goals: Navigate the discussion of new contracts and back pay with compassion and resolve. Complete the review and prep for the C&C presentation I will give tomorrow am.
Anticipation: Seeing what options ans next step neck issues align for January.
Wants: Drive and determination. My get up and go has got up and gone.

Zuzu's Linda's Petals?

December has arrived. Thanks have been given. We are now preparing for the Christmas season. The large table is back on the patio, allowing space inside for a tree now in place and quickly decorated. Jennifer's affection for and attachment to decorating is a joy to witness and modestly infectious. Like so many objects about our home, the tree showcases heirlooms from my childhood, the kids and my past, mine and Jennifer's all the way to this past year, as a couple of new ornaments have made their first of what will hopefully be many more years of annual appearances. Our creative solution to clear the remaining leftovers was to combine the task with a visit to my mom's for lunch. It was a pleasant time, even though we revisited, once again, a handful of recollections of neglect or abuse by my father or her mother. At what point does one unstuck themselves? How many years are lost to resentment and regret? It's sad to reflect on the time Linda and my mom have spent harboring ill will, enough so that it becomes a key aspect of their identity. I would like better for each of them, yet theirs is not my journey. It's only an opportunity for me to learn from. I ended the day completing the 2-part podcast on "It's a Wonderful Life." I want to see it at the Stanford Theater on Christmas Eve this year. I have shy'd away from doing so for many years, mostly because I felt like I was some offense to go when it was something Linda and I did several times together—including with the kids and her sister Barbara once. And then it struck me how I had seen it there before we met, that I had been there constantly through the years with numerous friends and partners. Before then, it was a mandatory viewing on DVD, VHS and back to broadcast TV when it was in the public domain and on heavy rotation across the dial in the latter half of December each year. It was a me thing as much as it was a her thing before it became an us thing. And all of this makes it an even more significant ritual and outing.