Highlights: "Howes Your Coffee" with Mark included a walk-on guest appearance by Wendy. She was allowed to join "sans-penis" because Mark knows well where his bread is buttered. I'd let Jen do the same and will at the next "Court House Coffee" episode. Wendy was quite complimentary of the decaf roast I gave her recently. I dove into dog food production and got it all done in hours. I wound up with 36 full days of food for both dogs. It costs roughly $100 for the ingredients, perhaps a bit more, yet that remains approximately$3/day, and we know what goes into it and what they're eating. While doing this, I responded to a call from Hogan with concerns Bryan voiced regarding Doug's property retrieval request. A refined message was sent out. I also got the Base station working, yet I heard later that the one I'd set up on Tues had stopped working. Grrrr. I also missed a time change on the booking system for Sunday, and the mindful eating event inventory setting was failing. An email to Gerow needed to come from the "board," and nobody else has that set up. All of these moles had me whacking all day. I did, however, teardown the 2 MacMinis from the safe and image the drives, which I'll return to the safe while making their content available to their owners. Jen made Bourbon Chicken and we had a quiet meal together. There is always so much going on. I try to be present and fully enjoy the moments when there is a pause in the chaos and we can connect.

Serious Gourmet Praise

Highlights: Waking up to the sunrise, slightly. Sitting Zazen, loosely. Going to Jikoji to complete a long list of action items, partially. Successfully collaborating on ways to get me in a paid position. Cardzmania and punting a jazz concert due to time constraints and competing priorities.

Insights: I am happy I went up to Jikoji today. It was needed, and I knew it needed to be done. It reminded me of my intentions and the rewards of giving my time and energy to a place and a space that fulfills a need. It looks promising that I will get on the payroll soon—nothing significant, but with limited time demands. I am inspired to get more time onsite again, which died down over the past year, and may be a factor in my stall, irritation and apathy. Going onsite regularly once or twice a week and setting reasonable time boundaries would do me good. As would some revenue. It feels right when I think of what I could accomplish and gain by being more invested. There is something here for me.

My mom, and Leonard. But not in that order.

It's been a while since I felt this good about what I once would have considered a "nothing" day. Without a long-winded narrative, I played a bit with roasting a new bean and learned some things along the way. I was sidelined by an issue at the Zen Center related to a former resident that needed addressing. My addressing it was innate, yet my later reconsideration of options exposed me to an applicable scenario for a recent assertion that empathy for a mother's pain does not excuse her handling of it to inflict pain on others. I feel like a responsible adult. Finally! While on a phone call, I watched two birds in the magnolia tree and witnessed one discovering the knot-hole in which a new family resides each year. New tenants considering the location. Jen and I visited my mom, enjoyed laughter and conversation, and I was able to help with the trash and a sprinkler-timer adjustment. In between all this, I got fewer tasks done than added, which is a good thing, provided I maintain a healthy perspective on priorities and impermanence.

Highlights: A small loss of weight. A good morning, sit online (with a brief guided meditation in parallel). Coffee and catch up with Martin. Exploring US Food'Store on San Carlos. I reached Social Security and initiated the process. I have an appointment in April. I also got some interesting and potentially good news about the kid's survivor benefits, but I do not consider it a substantial win. I am getting details through social services on being a paid caretaker for my mom in the months ahead. Jen went to a theatre preview, and I hung out and riffed with Mark.

I have been feeling very irritable lately. More than I usually do, yet not more than some might attribute to me as routine. In ways, I am starting to understand something I've commented on before. People see me differently than I do. Which of us is right? My inner voice assures me, in no uncertain terms, that I am more aware of my best intentions than anyone else could possibly be. Therefore, they simply have a twisted and distorted view of my character. Yet, if more than one person observes an edge to my tone or a self-serving aspect to my seemingly selfless actions, who is perhaps unable to see the whole picture from inside the frame? Ultimately, we're both right. And we're both guilty of the same judgment infraction.

I found myself building resentment for the volume of asks of me recently, even though I willingly took on the role and responsibility to provide answers. Why am I somehow surprised? It's no more uncommon than any other instance of my life and role as a son, a father, a husband, a dog owner, and a board member. It's all self-inflicted, as is the short-sighted decision to somehow see the work as a burden when the sacrifice returns the richest rewards. My path to this point may be looked back on as the hard times or perhaps the better ones. The goal should be neither of those as an outcome but simply the achievement of reaching that moment and having that insight. Isn't it amazing how wide-ranging one's emotions can be? Some heighten as the opposites, either good or bad, diminish. The trick is to recognize their duality.

How did I become that old man, like my grandfather was, walking about their home, clearing their throat every 83 seconds? What has me maintaining an undercurrent baseline of annoyance? I guess in the same way that I finally dined at "The Blue Pheasant." Crossing into my 60's. Jen, Matt, and I ate there tonight after wine tasting at Ridge and a brief visit with my mom. The morning's board meeting went reasonably well. I will likely work hard during March to cross-train, document and handoff as much as possible. Although I would genuinely like to go tomorrow, I have so many other things I want to tackle, and I am not drawn to the crowd that the Sunday programs draw. It's a stressful drive and parking scenario. I'll be going up midweek and likely not staying overnight. TBD. Tommy floated the idea of not working for another year. I pressed it back as a necessity, but less so than it would be if he were not afforded the luxury of the home we provide while he gets his education. I have concerns about what we're possibly preventing in the way of growth. Scottie was pretty bad this am; he woke me at 4 AM, and we took turns trying to manage his apparent discomfort. A morning walk after the board call helped, and by the end of the evening, he seemed much better. We're back to crating him. Watched "Spun" (2002) with Jen. She was correct; I enjoyed it. Maybe the stress and annoyance ties into aging, and not just throat clearing, but his, my mom's, my own, and an internal struggle between how much more time I spend focused on being present vs a far deeper acceptance at a level that I don't have to think about being present because I am never not.

It's easy to get lost in inaction and challenging to find my way back. Inaction is more about making the time instead of being consumed with activities that are occasionally less rewarding in the long run. I don't even know now when my last journal entry took place. A week or two tops, but that's quite a chasm from my usual routine. It's been a relatively good time. We went to Paso Robles Monday-Thursday. Matt B joined us Tuesday; spending time together was a rewarding time. It made for a refreshing change of pace and was reminiscent of so many historical "Big Dogs" outings. We went to Cass, Fabelist and Opolo wineries, Morro Rock, and antique shopping, and relaxed at 237 17th with the dogs. Tomy is in Tahoe this weekend. I was immersed all day in Tikoji tastes and building resentment while recognizing my own making. I am working to ease out by making things easier for others. I have mentioned this before. We watched "Here" and found it unrewarding yet engaging and thought-provoking. Mark got the bike while we were away, and I am glad it's being used. I roasted some lovely dark for Steve and Diana to be couriered by Malt next week. GNO got weird due to some technical issues and negative assumptions by one of the participants. I'm either insensitive or too sensitive. I have been off-pattern with my habits and need to restore them. I am getting back on it now. Including this entry, I have gained so much by doing this for some years, and it's been worth prioritizing.

A few days have passed since my last journal entry. I've been irritable for no particular reason other than wanting a break from self-imposed demands and obligations. I have a strong desire to detach from the world and may do that by retreating to Jikoji for a mid-week stay after we return from Paso and before Jen goes to Portland. My mood may stem from focusing aggressively on the book or screenplay. I'm not sure yet which approach to take. I firmly believe a screenplay can focus a reader's attention on the story and the experience, at least more so than authoring and sustaining an engaging long-form narrative. John and Cheryl stopped by to visit, and John asked me, "Why write?" I was surprised to be asked this, as it seems so apparent. It's a feeling of destiny and obligation, like a calling. I have wanted to for decades, and the past few years of experience have given me the vehicle to do so. What else over the past few days? We saw "Becoming Led Zeppelin with Mark M. (excellent insights but too many full-length performance clips IMHO). Mom's latest bloodwork is great, and her 2nd treatment was today. Now, a four-week break. I met with Frank, contacted Carol (Santa Cruz Death Cafe) about working together, and attended an introductory meeting with EOLCC volunteers. I was going to head to Stanford for the next PSHC classes (MDMA & PTSD) but decided to stay home. The rains have been absurd today - downpours - I had to run out and clear downspouts twice. I'm pleased that the bunged tarp seems to have stayed in place even with the winds. Driving in the rain to the SSA (which now requires appointments) was enough. I opted to skip going to PA and back. Jen made a nice chicken/bacon dish, and we discussed the kitchen layout and next steps. I also learned this week that the AML my mom has is genetic, and I, too, may have it. I'll get tested ASAP; if so, I'll watch it closely. It may be 'the thing that takes me out’ in time, but I'd like to avoid rushing that. I'm so enjoying this life.

Tommy made it to Tahoe last night without issue. He'd called me while driving up and voiced gratitude for all that Jennifer and I have been doing to allow him the opportunity to pursue the position at Stanford. He also said that, although it could sound wrong, Jennifer is a silver lining to losing his mom. I understand, yet I positioned it as perhaps a path we were already on, merely amplified by the loss. And that he will likely need a lot of time to work through the vast array of feelings that will surface over time. As I did with my father. His memory was very present while visiting the Computer History Museum today with the "geek" crew. From the moment I saw an abacus and a slide.-rule, punch cards, magnetic tape needs and IBM 4201 computers, I was reliving my childhood. It was overwhelming, and I will certainly return to explore in more depth. Lunch at In' n Out was also a historical stop for us, having been a frequent meeting spot for many lunches. Jen went to a cooking class with Christy and Tonya (after Johnathon reminded her; otherwise, they would have forgotten! That proved fortuitous. My evening was lowkey, with some roasting and cleanup.



I sat Zazen from home this morning. With presence and intention. Including being on camera, following along with the Meta Sutra, bows, and the works. It was a rewarding investment of time. It's been a while, perhaps a full week, since I have done so. It came naturally, at least with confident familiarity. What's more is how fulfilling it was to take that time for myself, to "reset" my thoughts, release my ego and attachment, and just be in the moment. The more I engage at this level, the more I see the scope of a lifetime, not behind me or ahead, but in the moment. The scope of time, compacted with every childhood, adolescent, young adult, husband, and father experience one might imagine possible, all exist at once in the layers of a single thought. Like an orchestra of 62 individual instruments in harmonic unison, playing a symphonic piece to perfection, I experience its grandeur as the audience, conductor and composer. "Man in the Wilderness" at near-full volume through AirPod Max headphones feels as magnificent now as my having often done so some 45 years ago. Only then it was on vinyl, heard through headphones attached to the amplifier by a 25ft extension cord. Often accompanied by me striking a match in unison with the track's opening. The memory and the experience unite in the present, enriching each beyond their separation through the illusion of time. As you read this you may be confused. Sometimes, it makes no sense at all. ;-) I met up with JJG this am at Voyager. It's been so long, and it was as if it were only yesterday. It was a reminder, as was the call with Richard, of how many friendships I have going unattended to. We made plans for every 3 months. I then stopped to help my mom with the trash, appointments, and the application for Medi-Cal. Assuming it'll still be available next week. Also, Jen and I got some keto-focused groceries tonight, and the prices have risen! What, his campaign promises were lies? Today I learned that, at least allegedly, the term "Cup of Joe" originated around 1914 when the naval director, Joseph, prohibited alcohol onboard and only allowed coffee as the strongest "stimulant." Who knew?

As I started writing, I realized today is 2/5 (and yes, it's also 2/5/25) and that I failed to note last month on 1/5 that it was my father's birthday. Or it would have been. Which is correct? Both, I suppose. It also makes me reflect on how my parenting has been intensely and intimately defined and informed by his having passed away before I came to a point of maturity to fully embrace how substantial of an influence he was on who I am. He never got to see it, yet I keep that in mind. I hope that in time, my kids, who think to recognize that I love them, might someday hold their mom in a positive light. It's a balancing act at times to have a space of honesty and integrity while their truths, along with my own, are conflicting. As I work on the book and revisit past communications, I see as much disillusion in her of me as I and they do of her. Only with her, the exchanges were never as balanced as they might have been had she lived long enough to step (or grow) out of the parent-child dynamic. More on that to come. Howes, your coffee was excellent. It's been a valuable opportunity to get a morning walk-in and maintain, if not build, a solid friendship. We are indeed the old men who swap stories and lament about the state of the world. While also reinforcing a mutually shared view that, nod to Marlin, every day is a gift. My call with Katie went well, and immediately after, I started plowing through accounts to update payment options and sending updates to everyone. Cliff and I brainstormed a few ideas, and I will likely meet up with him next week to collaborate face-to-face. I got some stuff cleaned out of my mom's garage and will return tomorrow to continue the efforts. The environment must provide a safe space to move around. Jen made some excellent food at home, yet she sliced her finger. Nothing "stitch" worthy, but it'll be a few days before she's playing the piano again.:-). I also started the process to get Mom on Medi-Cal so she will have more coverage options, and I may be able to get paid as a caregiver, but very little. I did some reading and will continue tomorrow about "instinct", a topic of great interest.

Harmonize These Lives

It was raining this morning and will be for most of the day. It was not an apocalyptic, ark-inspired downpour but more than a light drizzle. It's welcome to bring much-needed water, but it's also brought a sense of foreshadowed doom on the heels of a rough night's sleep.

Maybe it's Marlin's passing. Perhaps it's the micro-dosing. I feel anxious about my mom's future and the complexities of making sure I can prioritize her needs and eventually manage her estate for at least the next year or two. It could be the argument with Tommy last night over the garage door closing issues and his dismissive attitude. Or it could be my need to set boundaries around how much work I do to address the Zen center's endless demands.

Today is Jennifer and my fifth wedding anniversary. What's transpired in these past five years is well documented here, as is my gratitude to her for being the partner, friend and lover she is for me and the family we share.

Jen, Lauren, and I went to Henry Cowell St Park in the rain to walk about and enjoy the redwoods. En route, I received a text from Richard indicating that Marlin had passed away that morning. It hit hard and continued to resonate for a wide range of reasons, as it should. As I walked the woods, I recalled his having been the one to point me to The Forest of Nisene Marks, another nearby park. I also reflected on Linda's affection for the redwoods and on the connections that exist as documented in Fantastic Fungi. It was all an opportunity, while strolling with Jennifer and Lauren, enjoying our own independent time and experiences, to be aware of the limited ideas we have as to the nature of life within the confines of our limited perceptions. In the evening, we joined Mark, Wendy, and others at the Crab Feed before returning to play cards with Lauren.