My next puncture, courtesy of my loving thoughtful son.

Lauren slept in and I did the am walk after a moderately successful meditation. The flavored coffee's Jen bought from Trader Joe's were a bust. Cleaners came. Went to Pano and found the key in the lock, the door unlocked, and after pulling into the driveway I found drill bits and screws including one literally in my tire. Was running late for a meeting as it was. I was livid. I texted him and he was a smart ass in return. Then during my meeting he arrived, came in, got something and returned to his car, literally walking over the screws and stuff. I lost it. I raged at him when he would not get out of the car and pick up the stuff. I called him an insensitive prick, which is unfortunately true. He really does not care about locking doors, gates, flushing toilets… the list goes on and I have enough stress in my life without having this added to the mix. I'm at the edge of my sanity. I talked to Kathy D today about a few things and then talked to Dr Silva about reducing morphine for Linda further. They're going to try it. I got the photo scans back and uploaded and shared. I need to send my own out next. Had a nice dinner with Jen, she made keto cheesesteaks. Watched a couple shows, hung out with the guys for virtual GNO. Tommy arrived and went right to his room. I went and picked up Lauren. We returned to find Tommy gone. I shared with Jen my breaking point concerns about his presence and the negative impacts. It's not reasonable to have to ignore or tolerate his abusive relationship dynamic. I am rethinking a lot of things.

My mid-week break from the 2-mile walk I do with Lauren landed on the right day for my alarm to fail to wake me. The past-midnight site-outage effort caught up with me in the morning. I slept through the iPhone alarm (which did work) and the MiniPod (which for some reason did not.) It was Lauren's movements before heading out the door that woke me. I got up, weighed in (down), did a set of 25 pushups (a new atomic habit started this week), and waved her off. We walked the dog early and in hindsight that was a mistake, as I could have/should have used the time for mediation. It's easier when the house is quiet. I managed a few critical follow-up tasks from last night's work issues and headed to SRC for the morning. But before I made it out of the neighborhood the yellow 'low tire pressure' light gave me a reason to pull over. They were not THAT low but clearly low enough to trigger the warning. So I just bit the bullet and drove to the nearby gas station, only to find their pump was out of service. Fine, I thought, I'll return home, I'm close, and I have an air compressor there. Only once I got there and set things up it wasn't working either. So I just used a bike pump, threw it in the car in case it was needed again, and headed out once more. The light turned off before the end of the street. I checked the tire and found no clear obvious reason for a leak but that just means whatever might have caused it didn't lodge into and stay in the tire. We'll see how things go tomorrow. I felt good about rolling with the series of issues. From the work issues last night to oversleeping to the tire issue and the compressor failure, I just kept the focus on doing what I could at each juncture instead of being upset about something I could not have controlled. Still, these instances have a habit of chipping away at me. That's why meditation is such a focus and priority. It's keeping me sane. Linda was as incommunicative as could be. It was a struggle to just get a few words out. I don't know that she even knows who I am right now, there are no clear signs. It's hard to understand if this is going to be the way things go or if it's intermittent. I was there for a couple of hours, through lunch, then headed home. I stopped at Panorama to get the photos the contractor asked for re. the unlevel toilet seat. Tommy has left tools strewn about the driveway, but what really hit a nerve was the mess in the house and the garage. And the fact that suddenly the garage door doesn't work anymore either. It just made me cringe and I had to leave. It's what I had to live with before and it's unbearable for me. So much so that the idea of having to return to a scenario where I'm doing battle to have things kept orderly makes me want to walk away from the whole thing. But the issue isn't the house, it's the disregard and disrespect, and entitlement. And the backtalk I get just asking for things to be put back properly. I returned to work tasks, juggled questions about the outage, and managed to get through the rest of the afternoon until Lauren came home. We went to New Jersey's Restaurant for Cheesesteak. I got something healthier but tried a bit of the meat and it was delicious. The night ended with Tommy telling me that indicated there may be some conflict on the horizon regarding the disposition of the house once it becomes mine. I would have preferred that not happen and it's annoying as hell but I'm not going to put any energy into anything other than being aware, and prepared. Off to get Lauren now, hoping the tire pressure's holding.

The CAT is REAL. I hope they pay him well.

Morning walk was pleasant. Work day was productive. Enjoyed coffee with RP at Philz. Coordinated with cleaner on new day/time. Swapped out headlight bulbs. Dropped 4 bags of donations at Hope thrift. Visited Linda with Kelly, but Linda was sleeping and non responsive. Coordinated OPS efforts resulted in a HW failure so PM was consumed with site outage responses. Still going on. Thus the terse post.

WesWorld - Another Day In Mr Anderson's Symmetry

It's feeling more like fall, it was actually cold in the house so I worked on the patio with Jen. My AM walk with Lauren was good, doing it again tomorrow. I visited Linda around 2.30 and she was pretty tired and out of it. I just said with her in silence for the most part, talked some too, but wasn't getting much back. I did get some eye contact. I'll likely take Lauren tomorrow if I can work it into our respective days. I am really starting to become more aware of her possible sadness and loneliness and it's awful to imagine what she must be going through. I tend to just focus on the next task but when I stop and consider it in full…. Jesus. It's got to be soul crushing, especially since she was never one to have come to terms with mortality. It just plain sucks. The PM was low key. Tommy installed some trim upgrades on his A4 and it looks good. I'm grateful that he's as patient and capable of the mechanical stuff he takes on. He has more patience than I but … who doesn't :-).

Last I Heard...

I went through a broad range of activities, events, and emotions today. It started with a good and poignant meditation in which I was able to stay present and maintain focus. The theme touched on the opinions and judgments of others being something that your actions can only change over time and exposure. Lauren and I saw Linda before Lauren went to work. She did not have much to say. It's hard to tell if her anxiety is present or not, but she was saying "please, please, please "at one point. When she tries to talk, she creases her brow. She did open her eyes and look at each of us. She also stared off into the distance, which may be "focal seizures. " On a positive note, she kissed both of us on the cheek. That was a sweet moment. Lauren lit up. I wrote an update to the broader set of friends, shared it with Kirsten, and finally took a moment to write Liz Du about things. I'm glad I did, but I regret not doing so sooner. She might have had an opportunity to have connected with Linda when she was in SRC AL. Same with Kirsten. It's uncomfortable reliving this whole thing when trying to relay all that has taken place. I think at some level, my avoidance was because I didn't want to relive it myself. It's an awful position to be in, but as always, I'm far from the one in a bad situation. I touched base with Marya, too, following up on her attempts to reach out. I hope we can all reconnect soon in person, but it's becoming harder each day to pretend all this isn't taking its toll. And yet again, I'm not the one lying in a care center removed from everything I knew while an incurable disease takes my life from me, so what have I got to complain about? I guess I have a lot of mixed feelings about all of this. Writing Liz stirred the pot for me, which isn't a bad thing. I bet this is very typical for caregivers and families dealing with such situations. All that aside, I got a chance to focus today on clearing the patio, organizing the garage, and even collecting the photos I want to be scanned. I'm just waiting for the prior order to arrive so I can evaluate their work. But getting all my photos digitized and in my photos library will be great. There are decades of life and memories and friends all going unseen and unappreciated in boxes in a garage. I will make sure they're part of my rotating photos along with the kids and Jen's too. We (the kids and Jen and I) have managed to ride out this past year's turmoil and grown closer through it. We had dinner. Tommy got the new iPhone and was immersed in editing videos while Jen and I and Lauren played Farkle. Oh, Jen and I trimmed Scottie earlier today, too, pretty dramatically. (We have some touch-up work left to do as well.) I also took apart and tried to resolve the brake light issue on the BMW, but it'll take a few days to confirm it's fully functional again.

Had a really nice day with Jen. Lauren worked all day and Tommy was out/about doing his own things. We dropped her off and went to IKEA to look at decorating ideas and found all sorts of insight and inspiration. We grabbed AQUI and visited my mom. I picked up the Valet I made in woodshop in my Freshman year at CHS and set it up at home. It was something my dad was really encouraging about and used, I believe wanting to give me a sense of confidence. It's rewarding to still have it. It's not something I would typically hang onto, though, but for now, it's out of the attic and in my use again. When we got home I finished the prior week's effort to thin out my closet and I got things sorted out for the next phases of getting back to my target weight. Toad the Wet Sprocket has a new set of songs out. I'm enjoying them. Tommy went to see his mom with Kathy V and had lots of good things to say about her state, and I'm glad he feels positive about things. I take things with a grain of salt because my experience has been that what gets reported back can sometimes be subjectively relayed. I'm grateful that both of the kids have had an opportunity to be able to process this mess over time and to have time with her. I'm also grateful for Jennifer – my mom made an observation about how much of a god-send she's been for all three of us and I completely agree. And I'm an Athiest!

Still not sleeping as well as I would like but had a good start all the same. Down to 184, 12 to go. Feeling great about it. Relaxed a tad tonight and enjoyed a small glass of Malbec with a delicious Ribeye. I'm obsessively checking weight daily and I anticipate it'll go up a bit. As long as I'm reasonable about my expectations it's a great way to stay focused. I saw "The Two Popes" tonight after dinner. Good, but I thought Hopkins' performance in "The Father" was a greater achievement. I listened to a podcast interview with him the other day and took note of him having 'been sober for 45 years. I'm feeling better and better about having removed vices and although I don't intend to stop enjoying wine in greater moderation I think the rest of the stuff that I leaned on is behind me going forward. The escape and relaxation are enticing but the presence and focus are proving to be the more productive of the options. I didn't see Linda today but will take Lauren tomorrow. I had too many work demands. Bonnie went and perceived sadness. Perhaps it's genuine. It's a heartbreaking situation all around. One lesson this has taught me is that you always need to tell somebody if they're dying regardless of if they want to know or not. I'll save that for another time and site. I had a good walk with Lauren this morning, 2m loop as usual. I returned the same side this time, though, to mix it up and change my perspective. I worked from Stanley's at Solar Ice in order to see Tommy skating. It was like old-time and I hopefully convened support and interest, which has waned with all the other demands. He's gotten better and had some impressive moves. I'm really looking forward to some 1:1 time tomorrow with Jen while Lauren's working another 12hr day and Tommy will likely be doing more hockey, driving, and being with friends.

Today was a good day. I am down 32lbs and feeling motivated to keep the effort moving forward. Or downward, I guess. I also seem to have dialed in my briefly-askew alarm settings and managed to get up on schedule. It's tough, given that it's getting darker in the mornings, but it's also rewarding in the time it allows me to do things that enrich my day. My morning routines are improving and 'Atomic Habits' are kicking in. Today's minor changeup was to remove Coffee from the 2-mile walk with Lauren. It's just more bother and cumbersome than it's worth. I found a long rusted screw on our walk, and picked it up, knowing how easily it could flatten a tire (from experience). As we walked and I contemplated what to do with it. My mind drifted off to my walks at LikeList and how I'd set a few stacked coins on a gate and just mentally checked each walk as to their presence. So I found a spot on our walk today to put the screw and do the same. I might move it, there might be better places, but at least it's started something we will do together. Once I returned and walked Scottie, I headed out to Cupertino to meet up with JJG. I took the entire AM off as a 'PTO balancing' thing. (If we don't use it, we lose it, so I use it right before I lose it.) It was a clear beautiful morning, I got my favorite (Hazelnut with cream) and enjoyed a 1+ hour catch-up with a friend I've not seen for a couple of years. He commented that Kelly had good things to say about my efforts to assist with Linda's situation and said "you'll be rewarded for it", and I said, "I already am". This is an amazing life lesson. And it's teaching me that life is good. As my BIG partner, Jessica said in a 1:1 conversation today, learning to be present and aware of your mortality can really change how you view little things. It's a challenging perspective to maintain, for sure, but I do feel like I'm learning to enjoy moments like today more than I might have a few years ago. As for Linda, I talked with her Dr today and he indicated that she was slightly more responsive this am including opening her eyes. Her verbal responses are brief if at all, but some do occur. Lauren and I experienced the same tonight. She said hi, a few other one-word comments, and even said "stop harshing on me" when we were pressing her to answer us! 😄 She also ate several chocolate coconut almonds on her own, with a couple of misses at first. After that, as long as I got her hand into the bin, she was able to pick them up and get them into her mouth. That is and was a huge change in her abilities and quite surprising. Jen made me some Keto chicken enchiladas earlier in the afternoon and Tommy brought home a bunch of Chipotle that we picked at for dinner. I'm ending the evening on the patio now with Jen and my feet touching as we lounge on the outdoor sofa with Lucky between us. Scottie's a chicken about being out at night, for some reason.

Yes, We Should

I stumbled across this simple but powerful little book at a used book store in Campbell last night. I was drawn towards it by the adjacent subject label,' Death and Dying", which relates to some things going on in my personal life. The section next to that one was "Gender Studies." Three copies of this book stood clustered together, yet one of them stuck out at an angle between the other two, triggering my OCD. Instead of pushing it back in place, though, the title caught my eye, I pulled it out, and I started to skim through it.  It resonated with me. I got the audio version last night and finished it within an hour. It reminded me of a post I wrote on my other site back in 2019 regarding gender bias.

As a parent, I want this future for my daughter. Regardless of that, I want it, period. Like race, gender should not be a factor when it comes to equality across the board.

I don't own many physical books beyond those I want to re-read or have visible, to help me remain conscious of their content and impact. I'm going to go back and buy it ASAP.

The book is based on her TED talk and there is a good analysis of it here.

I took a break from walking with Lauren this morning to mix up my routine. I had a chance to meditate, walk the dog, spend some time with Jen. It was a pleasant start. The meditation yesterday was about generosity, how we should strive for it as a goal but not berate ourselves for not achieving it at the sacrifice of all of our other equal feelings and needs. It resonated with me. I didn't visit Linda yesterday, but I worked from 9-12 this morning at SRC. Linda was asleep for the majority of the time. The medications were changed this morning, and will take a day or two to make a difference. It appears to be a step in the right direction. I found that the nurse had Hindi music playing on her phone while attending to Linda to be rude, yet I felt like I could not say anything about it without being offensive. I should have. Monday's quarterly board meeting went well. I felt good about my presentation segment and even threw in a good "Justin-Time-Delivery" joke for good measure. I tried taking a 100% CBD gummy Monday night to see if it would improve my sleep. Hard to say after one try, but I don't think it made much difference. I've reached a point of having tea each evening. Yeah, I'm that old. I spent a chunk of my afternoon going through my stored clothes, and I was thrilled to find I could fit back into a lot of them. I sorted things out for 'now,' 'soon,' and 'later.' It's invigorating to feel a sense of accomplishment. Still, why does one "Large" not fit while another one does? Why do some 36" waist shorts fit while others do not? It seems like there'd be a simple standard. I passed on a PM interview opportunity at Google because it's not something I'm interested in doing, and I didn't want to waste my or their time. I finally took some time to watch "The Father" with Anthony Hopkins. Wow. What a phenomenal performance and a well-crafted and moving story.

♪ What the world needs now...🎶

I woke at 6.55, not 6.15, to the sound of Lauren prepping to leave. My attempt to rely on the HomePod's ascending spa music for waking didn't go as intended and my backup alarm was a fail because I didn't 'save' the changes. A necessity in iOS. Facepalm. I jumped up in order to try and get out the door as originally planned, only in a 5 min window. It brought back a rush of memories of my youth and other times I'd be 'jarred' awake or oversleep and have to scramble in a panic to make it out the door. Churning stomach and all. But I did it, I got up, ready and out and we speed-walked our way down Kirk. We walked so fast that if I tried to drink coffee and keep up I'd end up with a chipped tooth and coffee-covered shirt. She's a fast walker. I returned and listened to Malcolm Gladwell on a podcast talking about "Talking to Strangers". I like the premise of the book but it's not something I want to add to my plate right now so I set it aside to read or listen another time. While walking back I passed Larry and I mentioned how I was walking with Lauren in the mornings, meaning it to represent my effort to follow his lead and stay fit. He replied saying "Good, especially around here". That surprised me. We're not in the 'best part of town but certainly not in what I would consider sketchy or risky. That comment touched on a nerve I've always had about helicopter parenting and the whole "Perception vs Reality" aspect of our safety in our society. Perhaps his response was based on the assumption that i was walking her for safety and he wanted to reinforce or show support? I don't know, it just left me walking away wondering what's so bad about "around here", anyway. I started off the day feeling angry for some reason. Irritable. I keep coming back to that not being how I want to be but it does seem to be a baseline that I can start from under the right conditions. Today it was about my kids having been messed up by the modeling of their mom's piss poor housekeeping approach. Especially when it comes to cramming clothes into dressers that won't close or closets to the point that they won't shut, or, shudder... using a laundry basket as a storage bin. THAT is a HUGE trigger for me and I encountered it this morning when going into one of their rooms. It set me off. I was well engaged in the workday. I took Lauren to see her mom after school and it was really interesting.. We found that she was more responsive than she was prior to the reduction of Morphine. She and I and Lauren had more opportunities for some back-forth interaction. She was not saying more than a couple of words here and there but it's more than she had been. The problem here is her anxiety, which we intended to abate via mediation. She was back to saying "please please please" and "help me". At one point she seemed to almost want to get out of bed (I do not think she has the strength to do so). Kelly visited tonight and reported something similar so I contacted hospice and asked that they coordinate with Dr. Silva on trying to increase anxiety meds while keeping the morphine dialed down. If we can find a balance, it will make her remaining days better for everybody. Jen's had a busy workday and I'm hoping to carve out some time to enjoy the patio and firepit for the evening, before going to get Lauren at 10.30.

Silver Where

I suspect that my first (and likely only) "compatibility test" for anybody, anywhere, in any situation, being a part of my life, would be to simply observe how they load a dishwasher.

Jen went to Roseville to a girls night out Saturday and returned today. The dog(s) were happy to have her back. Lauren's been working a lot this weekend, two shits daily at Vasona and YogurtLand. 12hr days. I used the time Sat night to hang at Matson with Tommy and watch a movie. He drove us to see his Mom both days. His mom's still not very responsive. We targeted our visit to be prior to next round of Morphine. We are not seeing a "dramatic change" that indicates her being capable of much more communication. She did say my name once which was a surprise but it was out of context. I also sensed a bit of anxiety at one point when we were trying to engage her. Jen and I made a nice chicken pasta dinner together and enjoyed walking Scottie. Tomorrow starts the daily walks again, and it's already after midnight which is surprising. I lost track of time tonight.

Last I Heard...

Model Behavior

Nobody that's ever earned my admiration or set an example of character that I have wanted to aspire to emulate, did so by modeling anger, irritation, frustration or negativity.

When I got up, Lauren came out with Lucky and asked if she could skip school. It turned out she had a test she was unprepared for but I told her she had to make that decision. I thought she wasn't going to go. I got situated for a meditation but ended up finding and setting up some podcasts for my use in place of mediation on days I walk with her. She came out ready to go after all. I was proud of her and we went. The Old Soul coffee was excellent. I walked to the corner, 1m mark, and returned listening to an excellent find, a podcast called Secular Buddism and the episode #148 – The Dance of Life. The round trip is exactly 2miles. It went quick. I went to SRC and I talked to Kim and Dr Silva. I told them how we struggle with her limited responsiveness and inability to form words. I assume it's the tumor, based on behavior prior to starting morphine, but it could be a combination of both.  They said we could try to reduce her morphine dose slightly, by 1/3, for the next couple of days. They and I will watch for signs of either improved communication or increased anxiety. Based on that, they will adjust things as needed. Lauren and I returned around 6pm. Too early to jump to conclusions but it did seem that she was moderately more responsive. She was muttering more than usual but we could not make it out. Lauren said "love you mom" and she repeated it back in full. Which we have seen (repeating things back). Jen and I went to hang with Jon and Cheryl for a few hours before picking up Lauren. Oh and I got CBD for Lucky to try out but didn't see much impacts today.

I love these images, and that they're out on display some 17 years later.

I've been testing something out this past week. I'm trying to wake gently and before getting up, to just reflect on and contemplate the day ahead. To gratefully focus on the rug beneath me, and to be conscious of the opportunities I have in the day ahead. As well as the idea that there are no guarantees there's another to come. To that end, and in the spirit of my wanting to spend more time being connected to and engaged with others, I walked with Lauren on her way to school again. This time to .82m out before heading back. I also want this to be a way I can get some exercise and some solo time too. It's working well. And, when I return, the dog walking gives me some time with Jen before I dive into work. I'm trying to not compromise on meditating. I've not worked out the right balance yet but I will. The BIG meeting was good, I thought. I feel compelled to speak more than others seem to but I'm trying to improve my listening and paying attention to what others have to say. Old Soul order arrived. Tried using the vacuum sealer Matt gave me and 30min later it was still not doing what it's supposed to. Irritating and aggravating trying to understand WTH I'm doing wrong, or if it's just defective. Time suck. Lauren came home and she, I and Jen made pizzas that were excellent. I ended up not going to SRC and instead, dropped Lauren at work and joined the geeks at Rock Bottom. It struck me, as it does occasionally, how long we have known each other and how we're aging. It's good to age. It's better than not. I also recognize that we're eventually going to go our different directions but unlike the time I went to El Dorado Hills, we'll have options like zoom to maintain our long-lasting routines. That's something I'm grateful for. Picked up Lauren at 10.30 from day 2 at YL. Sounds like it went well.

Got up and walked with Lauren. .75m this time. Easing up to 1m and likely to do it as often as I can. I need the movement, exercise, and such. I don't get up and out much at all any more. Between covid and Linda I've gone pretty sloth. I think it's time to change that up. I'm too distracted with tasks, still, and with a desire to write more than I do at the expense of having something to write about. I think if I was a character in a book I'd be the one that's always longing for and looking to find something they already have and don't know it. I need a break. KV returns today and that will likely signal a dramatic change in my focus. I spent time today at SRC with Linda, saying everything I have to say and hoping it was heard. I think it was, even thought it might not have been wanted. Once in awhile I feel like she is 'there' and making eye contact and hearing me. But it's nothing I can confirm. I hope she goes soon. Not out of anything more than mercy and fatigue. There is nothing good coming from this continuing. What a nightmare. I tried telling her to move on, let go, start the next life, stop suffering, but who knows if that's registered and I think her fear is still the dominate factor. I know I'd be scared were the tables turned, and just thinking of being in a position where I might not continue to see my kids would be so crushing. That's something I also want to reinvigorate - time with them. Time with Jen. Time just experiencing things to their fullest. Lauren's 1st day at YogurtLand went ok, beyond the story of a coworker getting yelled at by her boss. Gonna keep an eye on that.

Lauren stayed home from school in order to interview at YogurtLand. She got the job and starts Wednesday. I'll be picking her up in the evenings, gladly. Work was ok but I'm nervous again about the runway and future. I did the "BIG Solutions" intro Zoom and I feel optimistic about the value I'll get from this time. I visited Linda, she wasn't very responsive. I sent the box of photos off today after packing it fully last night. I don't know the count yet but I'm guessing it's in the thousands. It was an emotional experience to see and revisit our history. I told her several things today including how wonderful a life she's lived, as well as all the lives she's touched. I also said she should and could 'let go' and go onward with trust that I would take care of the kids and ensure she was remembered well. All things I hope she can process, it's just so hard to tell. Maybe the morphine could be throttled down? Maybe I'll suggest that to Kathy. We'd know by Wed or Thur if things got better or worse. Fairly low-key evening. Cut my hair. #5 all around and in all directions. I like it, it feels like a good cut.

Life Scan

Lauren and I went to Panorama Saturday morning. While she lingered about, I gathered up numerous boxes of photos I had come across recently – easily in the 1000's. I know there are more, but I think I found at least 80%+ of them. After dropping Lauren at work I returned to Matson where Jennifer and I spent about 3-4 hours literally sorting through Linda's life. I set out bins for 5 separate scenarios – Linda solo, with friends, with her kids/I, and with her siblings, parents and grandparents. The 5th was for images worth scanning for historical or nostalgic reasons. On Sunday I returned again hoping to find a few more stashes and ended up finding just as many again. Every place I looked had something and every bin I looked at the labels on that said memories, mementos, or photos resulted in the pile growing ever higher.

This is all in preparation for the foreseeable need to have images of her life for any memorial the might be coordinated by her sister and friends. And to ensure her kids and siblings and friends can all have access to them digitally, online, and stored for their future.

Along with her life span of images, she was in possession of several boxes of her mother and father's photo collections. She was supposed to have gotten them scanned and shared amongst her family but clearly did not. Those are also really amazing and wonderful images to see, of an era and time long gone.

This effort was an amazing journey to experience, eye-opening, profoundly sad and life-affirming all at once.

Linda had such a full and opportunity-filled life. So many adventures, so many friends. Yet her memories and life stories were all shoved in a closet, out of sight and out of mind. Had she made these more visible during her daily routine and within her home, she might have had a far greater awareness of and appreciation for all she experienced.

It was also heartbreaking to have found photos of her childhood home in Silverlake in a state of such disrepair and filth. This was apparently how the home became after her mother had left with her siblings, and the environment she and her father lived in. It does, sadly, explain some of the 'hoarding' tendencies, though. she had a history within her family of being something of a packrat.

Overall this is 99% joyous work. It's touching and inspiring to recognize the scope of one life and all the experiences therein. I just wish she lived with more happiness in all she's had and done and seen and shared with others. It's a good lesson to learn from. Gratitude.

Last I Heard...

Another 48hrs, another 24hrs of noteworthy chaos, both good and bad, to reflect on. The hard part of daily journaling is wanting to capture the details and nuances but never having the time it takes at the day's end to do them justice. And if I skip a day, I have twice as much to capture. Some of these things might be better written in greater depth elsewhere as a blog post. Only the others have a vast backlog already. So for the moment, here goes my paragraph free ramble. After my prior post about Tommy's muffler, we walked Scottie and met a new neighbor, "Amrita," walking her dog too. They moved from the east coast due to her husband taking a job at Google. She shared a 'crazy neighbor' story from a short stay in Palo Alto, a sad case of pure cruel abject racism.  They are renting Doug's old house. I'm hoping we have a chance to become friends. Then, Tommy called and shared the news that he'd been in a fender bender. He was with Karl going to Leigh and turning right, beside a car to the left of the lane with no turn signal on. Tommy assumed they'd go straight. He waited for them to go, and when they did, they turned into him and severely damaged the front end. He handled it well, IMHO. The driver is a fellow senior and admitted to being at fault. Before midday, Tommy had not only worked out the insurance calls but got the car to the body shop AND got an Audi Q5 rental. He managed it all himself, gracefully. Better than I would have, I suspect. My mom's email issues continued, and it turned out that the autopayment for the added space had failed. I helped her resolve that. I met Tim C for lunch in the Pruneyard, in the shadow of the old Martha's Vineyard location where we DJ's so many weddings we lost count. It was a great visit and wonderful to see him and stay connected. Our work Jira account billing failed, and accounting told me they'd had to shut down the card due to a fraud charge to Campbell Union HS District. I said, 'wait, that's where my kids go,' and then found with a bit of sleuthing that I'd 'autofilled' a payment for school food funds with the wrong credit card! We got it all worked out, but damn, that was surprising and a true facepalm moment. I had to skip going to see KISS with Brian because I felt too compromised to risk covid exposure. With Linda's condition, who knows what might happen in the next few weeks, I don't want to be blocked from going there with the kids. I started some BIG Solutions stuff and compared it in detail to WillMaker. Both do similar things, but the BIG focus is far more focused on the dialog and exploration of planning one's wishes. All three of us went to see Linda this am after I grabbed the bulk of her photos to sort through and took them to Panera. She said "I love you" to Lauren, which was wonderful for her to hear. We left. I dropped Lauren at work and spent several hours with Jen going through box after box after album after box of photos. Many were photos from her Mom and Dad's passings that just never got scanned and distributed to the rest of the siblings. If I had to guess, we went through 5,000 photos easily. This is one of those 'blog stories' for later. But they are sorted and staged for tomorrow's completion effort and then getting them to a scanning service on Monday. Dom and Mary reached out to meet up since we proposed doing so this am to Mary. We went to "New Jerseys," the former "Adams Apple" location on Campbell Ave. Then they came over, and we hung at the firepit. Mary and I got into an excellent dynamic talk about psychics, seeing things, other worlds, etc. It was a good evening, and I enjoyed the conversation. 

My son having his muffler modified is akin to clipping a playing card into the spokes of his bicycle.

Went to SRC in order to meet with Dr Silva. Linda was babblineg when I got their and waited for them to finish cleaning her up, it  was tough hearing. But then she was suddenly responsive when I went in? I got several 2-3 word replies. I called her sister and she got some decent exchanges as well. She even said  'can you help me' to Dr Silva. He said we are just going week by week still, and it's hard to know if this is a spike related to tumor progression or medication stabilizing. It's anybody's guess where this will go, or how long, so it's still a waiting situation. I spent some time with her, and yes, found another piece of silver. That's getting a bit absurd, really. I return home for a bit, managed work demands and headed to Panorama. Tommy had an encounter with a neighbor over his driving and a cop came by. We talked and the cop made a diplomatic point of getting Tommy to pay more attention to his driving. It was a good moment for him. He went and apologized to the neighbor too. I finished some cleaning at Panorama and took Lauren for a quick ortho appointment and back to Matson. We all had fajitas for dinner. I took Lauren to donate blood but she found out she has to wait another year. I spent time reading more BIG stuff and watched the Ted talk.

I slept a bit better but not well enough. I thought I might start walking with Lauren to school in the mornings. If she's going to walk, I might as well go along and get some steps in too. For now, today, I just went .5m and turned around. Maybe I'll do more, we'll see. I'm pretty frustrated with both kids right now and I'm resenting their mother for the seriously fucked up damage she's done to them. Lauren's closet at panorama is a mirror of the clusterfuck that is Linda's and her closet at Matson is constantly competing for the same recognition. Tommy continues to be an argumentative fuck about everything from giving me some space for critics meeting to, get this, not putting a huge fucking half-each pizza crust in the fucking toilet. WTF? And Lauren for the 3rd time in 2 weeks left her backpack with food in it and this time it was a chocolate cookie and lucky ate the whole thing. They are pigs, they never consider the possibility of their action or inaction to avoid things like the dog dying from eating chocolate or the cost of a plumber to mange a pizza dough clog and backup. Tommy treats me like shit. Seriously dude, whenever you grown up and read this, know that you were and at this point are a fucking awful person to live with. Maybe someday you'll look back and realize it and feel a pang of regret but more likely you'll just say I was a jerk to live with and had unrealistic expectations. Of course his and now her language and mouth are likely blamable on me. I rallied hard over the whole 'chocolate cookie' incident because it all fall on me. Like everything her mom ever did too, or needed done, fell on me to fix or let fail. They might have learned to swear or be short fused from me but my short fuse was and is again from living in an environment of chaos, neglect, disregard and inconsideration. As far as Linda goes I didn't go today. I don't know if I'll go tomorrow either. It's getting harder every day to have any desire to see her getting worse. Shit I just remembered I am meeting her doctor at 9am so I guess I'm going. It's ironic that I'm so conflicted and angry and even resentful when I also took the call this am to interview for an get the chance to become an 'end of life plan facilitor' with before I go solutions. It's something I feel passionate about and this opportunity can give me some learning, insight, and possible opportunity to build out a sideline effort doing something I know will be rewarding. I also got my CRV back and it's working great again. Between buying my own part and getting the labor coordinated I saved myself 50% of what the dealer was going to charge me. New battery and cables feels good and I'm going to add a routine to keep them maintained well. I posted and gave way the cookbooks from the panorama pantry. I really should do before/after photos. It's dramatic and would be a good defense is anybody [kathy V] starts inserting themselves into my efforts to clear and clean that pigsty out. It's still so hard to be there but I and pressing through. I found what are likely 1000's of her photos spanning her life in boxes and I'm going to sort them this weekend and send them for scanning with a quick turnaround date so they're available for anything kathy wants to do for her and the kids will have them too. These things matter to me because I know what it's like to not have access to my own parents history and then eventually to get bits and pieces. I wish we had a better compilation of our family history. Maybe Jeri will pick that up? I'll have to ask her.

Didn't sleep well. Tossed and turned due to all the buildup around the house, Linda's condition, and the kids college needs. I'm pretty overwhelmed. We took Lucky to the vet and $300+ later I'm realizing that I'm glad I'm not paying support. It's all on me. I dropped the CRV for the battery cable replacement and it'll be done tomorrow. I'm worried they'll ratchet up the estimate but I'm hoping that's not the case. I cleared the Panorama pantry out and plugged in the old eMate. Still works as long as it's plugged in. Didn't spend any time on it, too busy. Looking forward to a good sleep and returning to the daily routine tomorrow. The older I get the more routines keep me sane.

Last I Heard...

Decent morning start with normal routine. Took Lauren to attend to the dog sitting needs on Panorama then back to Pano. Gave Jen some additional measurements to work with. Took Lauren to see her mom. She was in bad shape. She seemed almost comatose. She was laying asleep with her mouth open and her eyes wide open. I dropped Lauren and went to Panorama to work through the file drawers. I found some important documents to keep along with a lot of great photos and scrapbook things for both of them and for the collection of items I am setting aside for their future interests. The photo in the picture above something I came across too. It was taken in an airport well before Linda and I met. It's Linda hugging her father when she returned from an extended stay in Paris. She told me how much this image captured her love for her dad. And, many times after his passing, how she saw it as a preview of what she will have waiting for her when she "eventually gets to heaven". We talked about this photo a week or two ago when she was more responsive. She remembered it. And it's meaning. Lauren and I returned after her work ended, took a shake from Happy Hound too which she enjoyed a little of, and when I showed her the photo she appeared to focus on it and said "yes" when asked if she remembered it. We left it there for her and once it's back in my possession it'll go in the aforementioned archive. I sold my mom's old exercise bike and split the proceeds between the kids. $125/each. As we go through things that are not heirlooms or to be kept or personal effects, like that bike or the old beat up table, we're going to sell or give them away and they can get the proceeds. We ended the evening hanging out on the patio by the fire pit.

Tommy was off camping. Made crossiants for Lauren, took her to visit with Linda and dropped at work. Jen and I went looking at furniture and tile and found stuff we both love. I spent the afternoon relaxing and went to visit Eric G, Nevin and Ryan in Menlo Park at Eric's house. It was a great reunion and I'm excited to be reconnecting.

Here Today, Gone Today

As I retire to bed and the distractions of my waking hours subside, my thoughts drift to a health care center in nearby Saratoga, where somebody I once shared my life with is lying in a bed, slowly dying. Most nights, these thoughts cross my mind, and it is during most nights that the reality, the gravity of this entire situation, really hits me full force. The momentum of a day in constant forward motion suddenly ends like a car screeching to stop, while the emotional baggage in my back seat comes flying forward to smack me in the back of the head.

What goes around, comes around, again and again and again

My morning meditation was about learning to 'be in the boggle' of chaos and being ok with and accepting of it without feeling a need to control it. Good timing, considering much fo my daily life has been attempts to manage chaos. But even after that reminder I was back spinning up over one of many issues I''m immersed in. As I mentioned to some friends last night, trying to live every moment aware and conscious and present can be exhausting. I worked from Linda's room again. I met with both Dr Silva and Kim from hospice. The view remains that her mediations have her 'comfortable' and we're waiting for things to progress while keeping her pain and anxiety managed. I left for work meetings after lunch. Kelly visited her with a priest and found her anxious and unsettled. Lauren and I returned later though and she was calm. I guess it's a moving target. On an interesting note Linda's friend had brought her nice wedding silverware to SRC in her apartment in Assisted Living, but some pieces went missing. Two showed up today. One had shown up two weeks ago but I was distracted and did not hold it. This time I did. It's interesting to imagine how several pieces are likely going around in random fashion but landing back in her hands at one point or another. Tommy went camping with Eric and Carl. Lauren's working all weekend so Jen and I will have some much needed solo time. My CRV battery cable arrived so I'm anticipating having the car back next week. Watched "The Final Year" documentary on HBO.

Wearing slippers to Medical Care facility helps you blend in

I've spent the past two days visiting Linda more, clearing more out of Panorama and working at working. Linda's doctor said her meds are dialed in well as far as reduced anxiety and no pain. Now it's about waiting. I'll write more about this elsewhere. I found myself once again being aggravated by something Tommy said and this am, reflecting on how that's power I allow him to have. It's an ongoing effort, and when my energy wears down I can be thrown. I'm getting better about it. IEP with Lauren was good and the work day was fragmented but productive in a few ways. I continue to find bits and pieces of things at Panorama that I'm going to set aside for the kids to have when they're older and want to look back. I am looking forward to the 3-day weekend. I'll probably spend time at Pano but want to put some focus into friends, family and Jen too.