Woke up feeling like I wanted a change. Something dramatic. The thing is, that's already happening. Job in limbo, ex-wife/kids mom having brain cancer. My own mom aging rapidly as well. Tensions w/my son. Financial worries. WTF can change without adding more drama and complications. In one sense that change could come from bailing on all of this mess but that's most certainly not in the cards. If anything I'd like my slimmer body back, my meditation routine back, and my focus on minimalism including what I take on, back. This is why I journal, though… to think out loud and remind myself. As for today the AM was spent wrestling with internet outage that magically resolved itself 1hr before tech arrival. OK… coincidence? Also my stary arrived and I'm impressed so far. Work was moderate.Spent a lot more time w/Linda than expected and glad I was able to. Last night she said I was the best ex hustand in the world and tonight we (Jen, Lauren) were talking about how I've long hoped we'd not exit this life at odds and now that's coming true. But far earlier than desired. That being said at one point during the day, whichi included me taking her from SRC to Radiation and back, I wanted to say "…and we're back at square one" when it came to the typical routine of my desire to press for goals and action and her' not wanting to feel pressure. I said "those that pressure you are trying to get you across a finish line". In 1 sense that was about the enablers in her life who simply echo and empathize. The acknowledgement of my efforts has been rewarding and yet I'm aggressively conscious of making these efforts not simply to feel like I took the high road, but because I really do sincerely want what's left of her life to be spent feeling positive and valued. Bought a CL modem for SRC use, will install tomorrow. Jen Lauren I got Aqui to go. Swirls for the adults. Watched S4E1 of HMT (PIG). Whatever. Background noise.

Honestly don't recall the specifics but Matt Peters came to mind this am. Reached out, touched based, and initiated plans to meet w/the other two. Initiated the same w/geeks. Last night after I had a 'heart to heart' w/Tommy on the patio regarding his being overwhelmed, I followed through on plans to touch based with Mark and that was good too. I am recognizing a need to aggressively demand and defend some space and boundaries around the routine onslaught of asks, needs and demands. I made a concerted effort to attend to some work tasks w/reasonable but incomplete success. Lauren and I visited her mom and dropped off more of the lingering items we expected to be doing for the first week and her spirits were good. Lauren commented on it too. I hope Tommy makes the most of this time while it's available. My mom had some needs for help getting foods as she's still not sleeping well. Jen got the 1st shot yesterday so that gives me some solace as far as having any further issues crop up. I was feeling overloaded and Lauren echoed some of my prior optimistic ideas and I was really proud and grateful for that reminder. It reminded me of the book "It's not about you". We enjoyed Mojo burgers on the patio last night, I love warm evenings out there and as the weather allows we'll utilize it more. My wine labels arrived. I bathed scottie after waiting too long and delaying too long. My irritation levels with others are really bad right now. I find myself apologizing a lot about it. I started pushing back on level of availability to help with Linda's needs during work hours, but the radiation appointments will no longer require driving too/from SRC as of Monday which makes being there for them an under-1-hour undertaking, which is a lot more manageable.

Arrived from China in a package of crv door parts

LONG day. Work demands were high through the 1st part of the day, then I went to Pano to attend to the prep of Linda moving into Saratoga Retirement, after taking her for radiation. The realities of today are difficult. I assumed when we bought Panorama that it would be their home through high school. During the divorce I tried to find a way to flat-out give to her but that didn't work out. I always assumed she'd live there through 2022 then we'd see what the next steps might be, that perhaps then we'd work out a way for her to stay. Today I helped move her out into a care facility with the idea that she'll return, which I hope happens, but watching her struggle to walk and seeing the process of her radiation treatments drove home the likelihood that she'll not return to Panorama, or if she does, it'll be for her final months. Nothing can really convey and encapsulate the way this hits home. Giving her encouragement and support while laying on a radiation table wearing a head apparatus locking her into an immobile position in order to target the radiation was heart breaking. I may not have been able to live with her, but I never wanted her to suffer and die. OK maybe once or twice the thought crossed my mind in a moment of pure aggravated frustration … and I'm sure it was returned. But this? Fuck. This is just too much. I don't imagine anybody can begin to comprehend the complexity of trying to 'be there' for somebody going through this while taking in the magnitude of their circumstance and the relative 'death sentence' of their prognosis unless they've experienced it themselves. Jeri did, with Paula, and she's been a wonderful support these past few weeks. But beyond her and Jen, it's awkward to even discuss it. I wonder if that's just social conditioning at play. On a side note, I'm pissed at Tommy again, because he has pushed me so far already and today, my simple expression of concern for his safety as he talked about working on his car in what consider a risky manner was met with "Shut up". So I did, and will. Of course like his mom, burnt bridges can be rebuilt, but for the moment I prefer the space the chasm provides.

Chaos Theory

The older I get and the more I think about it, the more I see humanity and civilization as complete chaos. Religion, culture, parenting, experiences, assumptions, biases and expectations all work to make any situation unpredictable. It's like dumping a box full of ball bearings onto a trampoline and expecting any compliance with anything other than the rules of physics.

I'm increasingly disconnecting from things – work, to-do tasks, following through on commitments, staying up on paperwork and such. I'm just in a funky mindset of doing nothing. I think in some ways I've sorta shut down after finding myself in old routines, balancing old wounds with new. I've had some more honest conversations with Kathy, wherein the honestly goes both ways as to the realities at play. I'm seeing this again as the calm before the storm. The stark nature of the ailment and prognosis can be easily overlooked when there's seemingly positive progress, and when the humanity of the individual overrides the reality of the time limits we all have to face sooner or later. Tonight is the last night the kids mom will stay in pano for awhile, perhaps forever. That's a jarring realization to really take in. She's expecting to return and I and others are encouraging that as a goal, and it's possible but not probable that she will get to return but it's more likely she won't. I hate "knowing that" and concealing it. For the moment my focus remains on doing what I can to help make the next steps, the duration of treatment and hopefully productive PT and rehab. Once that's done and further assessments are done, I guess we'll know more about how this will play out. Tomorrow, though, things will change at Matson as Lauren returns full time again. I'm excited about that and know we'll have a positive environment because of it. And lucky will have her back too. Jen and I made a dinner she planned together, enjoyed it quietly, relaxed on the couch a bit then Tommy came back unexpectedly. He said he was staying at Pano this last night but for some reason changed his mind.

Today was a really good day, in the scope of what can make a day 'good' given the circumstances. It started by being awakened by Tommy at 7.30am waking me to tell me he was going to his moms. OK. Good to know and nice that he's still showing the consideration of letting us know where he's at, or at least originating at, for his day. It also gave license to sleeping in. Dom and Mary were over last night, big fun on the patio with various whiskeys and stories, but it caught up to me later as it's prone to do. SO sleeping late was welcome. I'm still drinking a lot for my usual pace. But then again my pace has accelerated as well so there's that rationalization to hide behind. The morning was really nice and quiet and after waking the dog we went to the farmer's market together and meandered. Wme returned home and she made keto McGriddles. We went for groceries. We languished. It was so nice for a change to not be stressing over time based needs and demands. In parallel Lindsey was helping my mom with dehydration, lack of sleep and more. She took her to the hospital and they attribute it to detoxing from sleeping pill prescription and got her stabilized. She'll be calling the doctor tomorrow am. But we did have a task at hand - Getting meds to Saratoga Retirement Community. We got and dropped Lauren at work and headed over. The place is beautiful. The people were kind. Her room is awesome. It's hard to keep in mind that this isn't a 'vacation', it's the start of the end of her life. It'll be a nice start and has the potential to be the painful conclusion. For now, I remain in relative denial. Lauren got off work early and came to walk the dogs and we watched Grey's Anatomy and returned her to Pano. Kelly was there, and Golida, so I used the opportunity to introduce Golida to the Malbec and we all had Roblechon cheese, crackers and wine. Linda pssed on wine. Cheese was great but needed to be more room temperature. Golida loved the wine, a lot. It was good to see her out and on the couch, which she did once I arrived. I wonder if it's because she knew I'd press on it. Or it was about dinner. Whatever the case, she was in good spirits. That'll help her as she makes this transition. Jen came with me to the facility to drop the meds and such. We had such a good day. She made me some 'almond joy' bars that were incredible. As was our joint-venture salad earlier. We also had a good sincere talk this am about birthdays and expectations (none) and her own background. I told her that milestones don't matter, birthdays and anniversaries don't matter, all that matters is what we have and live on a daily basis.

Tommy's on 99% silent treatment again, likely for my calling out issues with his entitlement. We're at odds too much and it's hard, sad and heartbreaking but I also can't keep going through the same old routines either. I'm concerned about his focus right now, he's seemingly going through something. Lauren's here tonight. Her mom went to Kathy's for dinner (with Leini….? WTF?) for 3 hours and they had a great time. Very encouraging news for her mental well being. Makes me optimistic and happy that she might regain more ground in regards to 'normal' routines. Cards w/Big Dogs was fun, too. 2017 MR BYO Bordeaux was awesome, too.

Too many activities, too many needs, too many demands on time, and perhaps too many assumptions on my own part that only I can attend to anything asked of me. I'm finding myself filling time instead of making the best use of it, often out of apathy or lack of motivation. Things with the kids mom are dragging out and painful, as is trying to maintain an optimistic and encouraging outlook for somebody that does not seem capable of taking on a 'fight for my life' stance. Even tonight's haircut and attempted measurement for a wig for her made from her daughter's hair was met with an apparent need to maintain a state of denial. I shared my 11/2014 email w/her sister in order to shed light on the history of the behavior. I don't know how to help when the only help requested is support of the denial. I'm taking tomorrow off to spend the full day w/Jen. Crema to start, likely some casual thrifting, maybe a hike too, anything to just get some 1:1 time. She's been so amazing and we're both on edge.

Tommy got the A4 back tonight, and unfortunately there's still some sort of issue so, back it has to go to the shop again. Disconcerting. Jen returned and Lauren/I were there to greet her as was Scottie who was the most excited. Schwarz dinner at Pano was excellent. Lauren staying with us tonight and Tommy at Pano.

Saturday. Jen spent the AM packing for her Tucson trip while I ran Tommy to Carmax for an A4 test drive. We got Lauren and dropped her at Vasona for her 12-6 shift. Lindsey gave me a heads-up that Curd Production was under way so I jetted by mom's to get some and we ended up getting food and handling out for quite awhile. Tommy got to hear her unfiltered opinions about some extended family but I think he's at the age where he'll make up his own mind. I"m watching them both mature in significant ways of late. Perhaps the trauma of the news about their mom has forced some realities. How could it not? It takes time to process, and who knows how long for each of them that might be. It's a lifetime scar they're obtaining, with few if any competitions for significance. I'm feeling it too, in ways, as she's slowing sharing a bit more fear and anxiety. She's referencing elusive answers from medical professionals and upsetting details from caregivers who've attended to similar patients in their past. How they thing that help is beyond me. I'm being sincere and supportive and encouraging while trying to be as honest as she will allow me to be. Which is not a lot. The way she can worry is prohibiting her from having insight and understanding that could fuel a whole different dynamic. Still, I see and hear the fear and worry, the frighten person wanting only constant reassurances, and it's both heartbreaking and rewarding to be this involved and trusted. This evening and I drove Jen to Sunol to start her trip. Tommy was sincerely saying how much he was going to mis her. I will too. We all will. We returned, dropped Tommy at Pano and Lauren and I watched Grey's Anatomy and The Shift together. I enjoyed them. I though the writing was simplistic and routine and the acting felt 'routine' as well when it comes to medical dramas….but there were some schmaltzy but genuine moments of reflections on life & death, love & hope, and shared humanity that really struck a chord for me. Maybe I've been too isolated in the past few years to remember that I'm not alone in having aspirations of this sort.

Jen's idea - make Easter dinner for Linda - came to pas. We got the groceries this am and she made it. All of it. Spiral cut ham, roasted Brussel sprouts with bacon, potatoes au gratin, along with fruit for dessert. She cooked all day and make a great meal that we had for lunch with Lauren and I then took it to Panorama for dinner with Lauren. Kathy V was there. I had intended to share w/Linda that the dinner was Jen's doing not mine, but with kathy V there it felt like the whole dynamic shifted. I don't think she likes me and if I only listened to Linda and didn't step back and look at her and her circumstances I might be jaded too but, come on. In any event it threw the evening and I felt out of place thorwing any references about Jen into this dynamic. I'll bring it up another time. It's important. As is her being aware of and willing to face her circumstances without fear of discussing it. That feels like hiding and denial. Tommy was great all day - no conflict or tension and that helped a lot. Enjoyed the PM w/Jen watching more HBO Qanon documentaries. Work kicks in tomorrow, so I'm heading to bed to get some much needed rest beforehand.

If I didn't know any better I'd say the strain is getting to me. I was up most of the night bent out of shape about feeling pressured from Tommy about driving, and anticipating conflict today about car access that didn't come about. The reverse happened, actually. It's surreal to consider how worked up I had gotten myself but the strains of juggling so many things at once are just adding up. And subtracting. Thinks are status quo and with Kathy D gone there's added anxiety around managing things. Lauren's handling things as best as she can. I am trying to walk a fine line between being available and of assistance and being pulled in off balance. So far so good. I had most of the day to just chill and enjoy some time doing pretty much nothing. Watched the documentary about WeWork and really enjoyed it. Got a bit of time with Lauren and Tommy but mostly just did some busywork at home. Hoping for the same tomorrow.