The night at my mom's went well. She got a good night's sleep and later relayed that it helped a lot to know somebody was 'on deck' if another wheezing attack came on. It was rewarding to help out. I got Philz on the way home and saw Jen and Lauren before they headed out to Point Lobos. Later in the morning, I noticed a stray dog sniffing around the neighbor's house. I approached him, but he didn't react to my talking or presence. When I finally gently touched him, he flinched, and it was quickly apparent that he was blind and deaf. I picked him up; he had no collar, so I brought him into our backyard and let him roam about. His walking and occasional stumble and bumps reinforced the vision issues. After posting a "lost dog" post on nextdoor (which required reactivating and intentionally deleting my account) and contacting a range of neighbors, I noticed our newest neighbor Eric riding his bike into his garage. It turns out he was out looking for his dog! So, the dog and owner were reunited. My good deed is done. I had a great session with Denise this morning, really diving into all of the mixed bags of issues and feelings around how to put an end to the ongoing struggles with Tommy, finding a way to put some boundaries and agreements in place and resetting things to be as successful as possible. It's all hard to balance, but we have come to a critical point needing immediate change. I'm hoping it goes well, but I know it's going to be challenging, and if we can't come to an agreement, it will be the most challenging scenario I've faced as a parent, and I have to follow through on the consequences.

We had a great visit with Marya and Rosendo in RWC last night. Godfathers & Antone (a local dive bar right down the street from their home) made for a fun opportunity to reconnect after way too long. I'm hoping we'll see them again in Jan in LG, and maybe even get them to stop by while we're in Paso. The "dive bar" experience was interesting and intriguing. They are "regulars" there and they know the owner and many, many of the patrons. It was such a "cheers" like experience. It also brought back memories of past times of less judgment and more acceptance of people I might otherwise dismiss with no real insight, compassion, or humanity. It was a good reminder of our diversely individual yet typically sincerely well-intended paths and natures. I awoke and learned this morning that my mom had such a serious wheezing attack last night that she had to call 911 and get taken to the ER. She was treated, tested and found to have Covid. They attended to her and returned her in the early AM. Jen and I tested negative. I went to help with pharmacy needs. I ended up staying. I'm there now, in my old room, the same I spent my teenage years getting fat, thin, high, and laid, listening to all those records I recently recollected, having shag carpet and orange furniture and Farah Fawcett, Susan Polis and motivational posters. It's wild being back here. I'm confident she'll be ok, but her earlier wheezing attack was concerning enough that I wanted to ensure I stayed for this 1st night so any further issues were not as traumatic and I could be of help. It means I'll miss the opportunity to send Tommy off to Tahoe, but given the tensions of late, it's likely better for both of us to have some room to reconsider our options and approaches. Loving your child and understanding their possible emotional struggles and needs and the basis for them does not excuse abuse. It simply explains it. I've been worn to a raw nerve over the years myself, and I hope 2023 affords me an opportunity to recover and recenter myself to be more conscious and aware of the futility of attempting to control or be controlled by anything other than my reactions. It's a "stoic" practice I want to incorporate deeply into my core thought process.

It's been a complicated few days. I have written numerous drafts that give way to the demands of the next drama unfolding in real-time. I'm far from innocent in the cast of characters playing into the dysfunctional dynamic playing out before my eyes, at times in slow-motion disbelief. I'm ending what's likely been the most substantially life-changing year than any before, and it might just prove to be the warm-up for 2023. Buckle up. This shit's gonna get more real than you could have imagined. I have fears and anxieties about the situation I'm facing with my son that he's facing internally, the complexities that lie in the interactions between him, his sister, my wife and their former stepmother (the last 2 being 1). As I told my counselor last week, we must prove to be a landmark case study in the realm of psychological scenarios. She agreed. What's played out over the past 2 years, let alone the past 10 going back to the decision to divorce, let alone the last 20 going back to the decision to pursue having children, is a masterpiece in the making of literary fiction. But it's all true, all real, and all painfully endured bit a cast of players I love dearly and have likely damaged significantly by seeking happiness and harmony in exchange for dysfunction and sacrifices I could not maintain. Ultimately, life has happened to us in our realities without our own respective needs and expectations. Through how many lifetimes has this cycle played out? Likely all recorded and more. I look at the whole picture and realize there's seldom true evil and ill-intent. Simple needs and expectations are being maligned and misunderstood to the point of being defined as the former. Few souls are dammed. Regardless of my son's horrible treatment of me, it's not borne from other than his viewpoint and perspectives, and nothing else. We'll have our champions, we'll have our critics, and we'll all be subject to judgment by others that are being judged in parallel. It's sad to consider the breadth of influences and biases that might go into this mess of assumptions.

It's Christmas Eve. Lauren and Jen are playing Skipbo after we took a drive through Los Gatos, Monte Sereno and Saratoga, looking at house lights with the dogs. They're exhausted. My heart is full and empty at the same time. Tommy's not here, we're not talking, and the confrontation about the BB guns set a tone that has compromised the holiday. Even driving tonight, it was painful to realize that there's such tension and animosity that we can't even be together on the holiday. Lauren and I had a pleasant day going to Grandma's and running errands. I have a lot to be grateful for, but I'm sad about the circumstances that have played out.

Highlights: Loving the time getting Lauren back into a comfort zone with driving. MASSIVE clash with her brother over the whole BB gun issue. Met with Denise this am about it and concluded with needing to just cut to the chase and get this done. Letting go and accepting the inability to effect a change. I need to be done with this so I can make my Jan a productive one. Dinner at "The Italian Brothers" in LG w/Jon and Cheryl was Excellent. The glasses gift at the end was perfect. So grateful to have such great friends. Great, Full. 'Nuff said. Onward.™

Stocking Stuffer – 2022

I have the fondest memories of squeezing Lauren into that stocking at 4 months old with Nicole’s help. It all seems so long ago. Although we missed a few years between that and 2016, I’ve been taking an updated photo every two years since then. Here’s this latest and all those that came before....

Highlights: Slightly awkward work meeting related to recent comments from the CEO that suggested some negativity regarding prior employees. I suspect I'll be referred to in the same vein and said so in the meeting. The hypocrisy was absurd. Whatever. At some point, after the past year, I started to value the quality of my life over the security of a paycheck at the cost of my mental well-being. Jen, Lauren, and I caught a matinee showing of the new Puss n Boots (The Last Wish), and it was pretty fun. Double entendres, word plays, puns and cross-references… what's not to love? Cardzmania (I didn't come in last for a change) was also fun, and we laughed a lot throughout the evening. I felt "in the flow." Then we took Lauren's mini, top-down and bundled for the cold, to Willow Glen to drive around and check out the holiday lights. It was another "flow" moment, and we even recounted the kid's earlier days and doing the same with their mom & me, then with their mom and then with us, and now with us. I'm a fan of keeping the "heritage" a conscious one. Lauren and Jen played Skipbo after stopping for Tamales from Trader Joe's on the way home. Tommy's arrived at SFO and is on his way home right now. I'm playing the "Christmas" albums I bought at savers in the spring…. Jackie Gleason, Tony Bennett, "The Four Aces," and the Partridge Family. 

Accomplishments: I stumbled across the source of water getting into the garage. I scraped away the peeling paint and will put some sealer on before the next rains come after Christmas.

Anticipation: Nudging further towards my weight goal with the AM weigh-in after a successful effort today.

Goals: For Jen's and my own sake – stop expecting anything from Tommy other than what he's capable of at this point in his life.

Gratitudes: Jen's unwavering support and understanding of my desire to reflect positively on Linda's legacy to the kids.

One Sentence Summary: My fate at work may have been sealed by my comments today; if so, it's a step in moving me onto something better.

Highlights: Work has kept me busy for a few days. I managed to squeeze in time in the off hours, managing additional home-based needs, including playing games with Jen and Lauren in the evenings. I returned to taking Gabapentin for some neck pain and slept Monday night wonderfully because of it. I hate the idea of meds being a necessity. It's an apprehension I struggle with even when those around me encourage me to recognize the value of the relief it might provide. I'm on the fence. I still hear the echo of my own words regarding Linda's life, but I recognize my own abilities and the times and places I can make far more conscious and mindful choices. That's where I want to put my time and effort. Like maintaining target weight, it's about consistent effort and awareness. I'm doing reasonably well there. I might not make my 12/31 target, but if things continue, I'll be in that 'acceptable range'. Jen, Lauren, and I took the dogs, a Wrath Chardonnay, and burgers from Happy Hound to visit my mom for dinner. The dogs are doing better there but are still annoying passengers. Benadryl is a requirement for road trips. For them. Maybe me too, but now we're back to the topic of drugs again. Tommy called and said he might be returning early. I'm unsure why, but I told him to keep us posted.

Accomplishments: Fixed the toilet. Sanded the closet door so it doesn't stick. Found the next day that the toilet was not fixed. The closet door still opens, though, so win.

Anticipation: Going to see "Puss 'n Boots" tomorrow with Lauren & Jen, and Cardzmania with the usual suspects afterward.

Goals: being at 170 on 12/26. Cutting out wine is tough at this time of year with the dinners, meals, and gatherings. I'm trying, though. I'm trying.

Gratitudes: Good wine ;-)

One Sentence Summary: Even a routine day can include something unique and unexpected.

Your Attention Was Stolen

A well-timed recommendation from a long-time friend hits an exposed nerve, fueling a near-term intention to rediscover my focus and "flow". Well worth the brief read. The book is in my queue for January. Thank you, Jon!

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/jan/02/attention-span-focus-screens-apps-smartphones-social-media?utm_source=pocket_collection_story

Character Assination

I feel anxious about making a change in search of deeper satisfaction and happiness. It means going "off-script". My self-worth has been tied to the character I play, and the role I fulfill, but not to my innate aspirations. Decades of seeking acceptance and approval have become second nature to my own interests and desires. It feels daunting to try and change that now.

Highlights: Slept in while Jen fed the dogs. Thinking this should become a 'thing' – Sunday sleep-in. Then again, in a few more weeks, I'll be living a Month of Sundays sans the Henley-inspired lamenting. Maybe. I tend to lament myself. Thus no help is needed. I set out to make a massive dent in a backlog of home-based tasks and I'm proud to say I kicked ass on it. Once up and engaged I pretty much didn't stop until 6pm. Jen and Lauren took to painting the kitchen, and it looks so good! I sorted out the massively chaotic "cord drawers" where all the adapters and cables and assorted tech-bits reside, and it's all reorganized, binned 'n bagged. I ran the Roomba in the bedroom after clearing out and picking up assorted crap that got put where it belongs. I tackled my 'desk', a "varidesk" standing desk on a 'heritage' table in our bedroom, next. I caved and huge the Wings of Desire poster in the bedroom. Considering all it means to me and it's history, it's hopefully going to be a daily reminder. Such things lose their impact over time if not honored with mindful awareness so I'm thinking I might make it a part of the am routines to just take a moment and take in the meaning behind it. I moved next to the garage where I focused on emptying, cleaning and re-leveling both the wine cellar and the freezer. I found a snakeskin under the wine cellar – I can only assume it was a warm spot. No rattle, so no certainty as to the type of snake it might have been/might be. It brought back memories of finding a snake skin in the stack of old bricks back around a year or so after buying the place. I moved next to Tommy's room. I gathered and cleaned up a good deal of clutter and also ran a much better cord solution for his TV/Printer. I didn't finish, but I will return and complete it over the next couple of days. I finished the day's efforts by swapping the non-functional electric blanket for the functional one, AND by pulling out the extra lights and extending the back yard lights to the roofline peak above the bedroom window in the back. It provides a nice additional set of light in that space that will come in handy in the evenings. I dropped a bulb and although I picked up glass I could find, it was dark and needs a 2nd pass in the AM. John and Cathy invited us over for drinks with Mark and Wendy. It meant a lot to me to go over and hang out. I think highly of both of them as far as people go. They've got great character and having a chance to re-establish a neighborly relationship with them is the start of something I want to foster with others. When Pat passed away I felt a loss and sadness around the fact that we were neighbors for so long, yet not really connected in any manner. That's odd to me. I hope we get to do this sort of thing more.

Accomplishments: Uh… see above! :-)

Anticipation: Lunch with Marlin tomorrow.

Goals: Continue working on capturing all I can related to workflow and process so when I depart 1/5 I don't get pulled back in.

Gratitudes: The sense of satisfaction that comes at the end of a busy day during which stuff actually got done.

One Sentence Summary: Frogs can turn out to be better tasting than you might expect.

Oh, and today I learned that Lauren might choose to stay in Sac for the summer in order to work full time. She's said it's because she can't find work due to being gone in the summer. I'm fine with it. I encourage her doing so. We're close enough and we will make things happen as far as visits in both directions.

Highlights: Very cold morning. Lauren's Mini was covered in frost as were the other cars. It's getting to the point of being able to 'see your breath'. We ran to an asian market this morning to get the "Kelley's Kookies" boxes for gifting to the neighbors. We spent over $200 on cookies but it all came together wonderfully. Lauren and I did an "assembly line" and then the three of us went door-to-door dropping them off to Yoshi-a & Yoshi, Karen & Kyler, Sandra Eric and Merick, Lindsey and Amir, Danis and Tom, Cathy and John, Jeff and Teri, Reza (Pierre's owner), Joan, Charlotte and Golida and Ian. Most of them were home and the bags all said "Merry Christmas from Geoff, Jennifer, Lauren and Tommy Mitchell. It felt like a good effort to establish our presence "formally" and also make it clear that we want to establish and foster connections. That's absolutely what I hope happens in 2023 - building out more of these friendships. We also stopped at GOBM and picked up a few new wines to try including a phenomenal Rioja that we're gonna go get more of. I went through and tidy'd up the wine cellar. We've managed to have cleared a decent amount. Jen made a fantastic couple of "keto enchiladas" while Lauren and I ran to Madronia. We took some cleanser and a brush and cleaned her mom's headstone. I noticed that she's set her phone's Lock Screen to a photo we took of her and her mom at the retirement community. I think that's sweet, and an encouraging move for her to have done so. I hope it means there's some attachment there, simply because she doesn't share her feelings openly, but there's obviously feelings there. The TV was still in place and we ended up watching "Where the Crawdads Sing". I enjoyed it, but it felt like a fair movie version of what was likely a far more dramatic book. After it was over I was tempted to start watching the Abbey Road documentary but instead, I put it back in Tommy's room. I can watch things on other devices. I want my distractions constrained. Instead of getting sucked into another 1.5hrs of staring at a screen I used the time to get other things done around the house. I'm on a roll – tomorrow will be a full court press to nail at least 6+ organizational objectives.

Accomplishments: The Christmas gift distribution in the neighborhood. 

Anticipation: Getting a slew of home-based tasks done tomorrow including patio light extensions, organizing the cable drawers, fixing some things in Tommy's room (cabinet doors), and a lot more.

Goals: Use the time tomorrow to also listen to and complete one of the audiobooks I'm listening to. Thinking it'll be Tarantino's.

Gratitudes: The peace I find in calm evenings and routines. Having Lauren home.

One Sentence Summary: Spreading holiday cheer as a family, within walking distance.

A 3rd generation holiday tradition.

Highlights: Tommy made it safely to North, enjoyedd enjoyed the Delta flight, and has had great things to say about ce so far. Today's appointment with Denise included Jendiscussed how to set set some more concrete boundaries and expectations with Tommy. There's a lot to unwrap, but it's all coming together. Lauren drove (!) her mini today. She and her friend went around town, visiting some spots and having fun. I had to let one of my team members go this morning. That was not something I enjoyed, but they recognized the situation. It wasn't a surprise, and there was no animosity. The Holiday party online was fun; I was there for about an hour. I made another batch of eggnog, and we pulled the TV & AppleTV out of Tommy's room so we could watch some Christmas movies. We ended up watching "A Christmas Story ,Christmas," and overall, it was enjoyable simply for the reuniting of most of the original cast and the numerous nods and homages they had woven throughout. It was sweet. Yoshi and his wife dropped off a gift bag of See's canSee'sand a nice Pinot. Jen and I were thinking separately today about doing something similar for our first year here. I put the see's canSee'sin the same milk-glass serving dish my mom put sees candies in my youth, which her mother did using this very same dish in my mom's youth, too. Lauren's next in line to take the tradition to the 4th tier of the legacy practice. My mom gave this to me earlier this year. It's been in (and will return to) our "heritage bookcase" waiting for this opportunity. I just didn't expect the candies to be delivered by a neighbor.

Accomplishments: I installed the new "level lock" on the front door without any issue whatsoever. It was expensive, but it will give us a much better sense of certainty as to whether the door is locked or not going forward. 

Anticipation: Putting together gift bags for all of our neighbors tomorrow with Jen and Lauren.

Goals: Make an aggressive dent in the continued "garage organization saga" tomorrow.

Gratitudes: Watching a movie about a father's passing hits nerves for me on many levels, yet it makes me grateful to know how valuable the time I have with my kids is while I have it, and I sense at least Lauren recognizes that too. That's rewarding to know.

One Sentence Summary: It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Oh, and today I learned that the origin of "Blood is Thicker than Water" was actually in support of the opposite of what it means today. Fascinating.

Flame Retardant

I didn't burn out. I spontaneously combusted.

Highlights: Worked in the AM from Starbucks on Tuesday. Ran into Mark, who ended up coming over to discuss the interim needs for the kitchen. We just wanted to get some 'finishing' work done so we can paint have have things less 'fractured' until we do the remodel. He ended up coming over Yesterday, doing the majority of the work, and will be returning this AM to complete it. Vinny is back and there Marioni family came for dinner and Mark/Wendy hung out for the evening. It was great and so rewarding. As we said when we first considered moving into the house, we'd be close to friends and able to do 'spur of the moment' things. Voila. I fixed the back door after the rains due to it's swelling and needing the recently added door seal adjusted. It's working again. Voila. I've been wrestling with work and trying to manage my overwhelm with so many parallel needs but I'm also looking at it as something I can contain and isolate as 'how I process, how I respond'. I can't control the chaos, it's out of my hands. I can only control my response and I'm working hard to take the high road and model what I'd like to see. Be the change you want to see in the world, right? 

Accomplishments: Fixed the door, engaged Mark's help (paid) with the kitchen.

Anticipation: Lauren coming home tonight!

Goals: Get through the day with progressive efforts to continue closing some loose ends.

Gratitudes: Watching Tommy talk with and engage with Mark and Wendy last night was really interesting. He'd got a lot of good character and charm. I was impressed and enjoyed being witness to a level of conversation I seldom get from him.

One Sentence Summary: If I can't keep fighting an uphill battle and I can't find an effective angle, maybe I need to find a different hill.

"If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own." - Epictetus (https://dailystoic.com/there-is-only-one-place-to-look-for-approval/)

Highlights: My neck issues returned last night with a vengeance. I suspect it was due to being in the passenger seat while driving and keeping an eye on/managing the dogs in the back seat. Turning my neck to the left causes the issue and it was all I was doing for the whole right to my mom's and back. I had a busy work day through 3pm and ended my day with a frustrating scenario related to employee recognitions that just soured my taste for this company. Personal feelings should not impact ethical and potentially legal behavior. It's not the first time. Earlier today Tommy finally pushed back on me for nothing so much that Jen snapped at him, big time. It really upset her and I'm glad she said something. But I doubt it'll change him. Nothing has, nothing will.

Accomplishments: Inbox zero – day one.

Anticipation: Dinner tomorrow in Saratoga at a place that looks like it has the potential to be a new favorite.

Goals: Fast until dinner tomorrow and eat Keto – still working on the EOY target and I'm behind the trend line to succeed.

Gratitudes: Jennifer's support and patience and having had a full time job for 11+ years. Even thought I wish I'd moved on after 2 at times, the people and the pay have enabled me to have things I'd not otherwise have today.

One Sentence Summary: I'm planning my escape from more than one thing today that's pushing me further from tolerating another thing tomorrow.

I welcome a time in my life when the time of the day has little influence on the time I get to spend enjoying the time I have.

Highlights: I let Jen sleep in while I got up and fed the dogs, shuffled laundry (bedding pee'd on yesterday), and enjoyed my "one cup" of coffee for the day. It might be self talk or confirmation bias at work but I do feel that I'm a bit more consious of the speed I drink and the savoring of the quality (Old Soul) through this newest effort. It's only been a couple of days but it feels like it. I left my tech in the bedroom and sat with my newly purchased notebook and Sharpie S-Gel pen and started writing. It was wonderful. It went well. Very well. Inspirationally well. I have a 'start', and new ideas and additions have been popping up all day. After a substantial downpour this morning, things stalled long enough for us to walk the dogs. As I was going about other business I took a moment to look closely at the rotten wood in the door threshold going to the back yard. Once I started I quickly found how extensive the issue was. Over a decade of decay turned solid into soft pliable straw-like fibers. I ended up pulling it all out and up and thus committing to fixing it. Nothing I've done before but nothing I'm incapable of learning. And as is the case with any DIY task, Home Depot trips are never single events. There's always something to go back for or return and in my case, both. Routinely. In the end, the work is done. It's an interim step (pun intended) until we can redo the flooring and door itself. It wasn't on my list of things to do today. I'm running about 50% average on that statistic. Jen worked today setting up our 2023 budget plans. She's amazing at this. She's so smart and knowledgable and came up with ways to simplify and manage tracking against goals. We'll spend Jan and Feb "living under new circumstances" to test the model and adjust as necessary. We took the dogs to my mom's and picked up Aqui en route. It was a fun visit. Lucky was frantic about the cats but managed to maintain. At one point I noticed her cat squeezed into a shelf and 'spraying' – turns out it's not the 1st time. How it was never noticed before was beyond me.

Accomplishments: Along with reeplacing the door threshold and working with Jen on our budgets, I booked my 6 day mediation retreat for January 22-28th.

Anticipation: As much as I love the rain, and I absolutely do, I am looking forward to a week of sunshine. I need to fix a heat lamp, allow our outdoor runs time to dry and finish some gutter cleaning before the next onslaught. Tomorrow's forcast is for blue skies.

Goals: PSMF tomorrow – return to a focused workday and do my best to continue getting things aligned for my absence.

Gratitudes: My mom still being alive. Nevin's dealing with some grim realities with his father and I'm grateful to be conscious of her presence and value while I can enjoy it instead of remember it.

One Sentence Summary: "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

I used my early morning to write. See below. Jen and the dogs got up and the sky above poured for hours. Winds howled, leaves clogged drains, and our outdoor heatlamp blew over and bent the top. We don't know yet if there's any further damage but hopefully it's repairable and won't shot flames in random directions when used again. I managed to stay relatively unplugged sans using the iPhone as a tool for HomeKit setup and revisions, task lists and such. I tried to focus instead on managing the onslaught of clogged drain pipes with a positive attitude (because it's invigorating, actually, to be trying to manage this all on a ladder with water-splatted glasses, slippers and PJs. I got drenched. I also went about the house fixing things like cracked switch and outlet plates. I continued to really relish the house, holiday decor, a nice rotation of classic jazz, and some decaf after the 1st cup of regular. No issues so far beyond fatigue, but that's likely from the whole 'no sleep' issue. Dom and Mary's Coat Drive was a fun event and the soups and stews were delicious. Tommy sold the Mercedes tires, but the CL buyer was at least 2hrs late and irresponsibly non-communicative as to delays and ETAs. That's the risks you take, I suppose. But at least they're gone. Mary and Wendy's open house was tonight. We went and there were a lot more people there than I expected. I felt, honestly, overwhelmed. It was hard to hear – I think it's an age thing but it's an increasing struggle to filter all the other chatter out of a conversation. It seems like it's all coming in at the same volume and blending. Ugh. Still there were lots of familiar faces and it's really wonderful how many people welcome and embrace Jennifer. Lucky pee'd on our bed today so we had to leave him out in the garage instead of the house. He pee'd on the dog bed we left in the garage, right next to the pee pad we setup. WTF? I don't know what is going on or what to do next. I'm trying to be compassionate but it's disgusting and it's what was allowed to be developed as a habit by him since he lived here before.

Anticipation: A good night's sleep, visiting my mom tomorrow, more time relaxing at Pano with the rain, and the probability that something else will happen weather related that'll warrant attention and patience. I'm gearing up :-)

Goals: Even less tech time tomorrow unless it's writing or leave-related planning.

Gratitudes: Having spent the $ earlier this year to have the attic insulation and crawlspace moisture barriers in place before we moved it. I watch the water coming out of the street grate and the sump pump and I'm happy to know we won't be dealing with the routine moisture issues of 'old.

It’s Saturday morning. I woke early. VERY early. “4.15 AM”  early, as evidenced by my prior post about being unable to sleep. It’s 6.30 AM now, and I’ve used the past 2 hours to focus on focus. To Prioritize priorities. To refine my efforts to work towards a simple, rewarding existence. And, of course, as I was preparing coffee this morning, I realized that the 2 cups at 10 PM last night might have played a role in my insomnia. Facepalm, indeed. It’s raining, and the house is otherwise silent while the skylight subtly alters and amplifies the pattern of drops landing on the roof. At the same time, a moderate wind occasionally spins a partially opened table umbrella on the patio like a carousel. Although I’m slightly concerned that the wind might cause the umbrella to topple, taking the table with it, I’m going to wait it out inside. This is a wonderful moment to be present. The Christmas tree is on, as are the Tiffany lamps, all courtesy of HomeKit automation. I’m in a space here that’s as comfortable as possible. Like a vacation home might feel. With the exception of the missing bench seat running along the windows where I might find myself even more immersed in the sounds of the weather as what I expect to be a subdued sunrise begins. Yesterday was a good day. I worked hard, and I played hard. My workday was slightly fragmented due to a counseling appointment, a grocery store run, and going to pick up Tommy’s Porsche. The appointment was good. I’m nervously optimistic that improvements are being made, and I’m working in the right direction as I strive to remove myself from decades of constant stress and anxiety. Getting Tommy’s car was an interesting experience. It’s challenging to have a stranger tell me I need to talk to my son about something, anything, when my son doesn’t want to hear anything I say about his obsessions and compulsions. They’re preaching to a choir that’s singing to a deaf audience. And, of course, any attempt I make to discuss the noise, speed, neighbors, and safety is fueling his defiance and resistance. My worst fear is that he hurts himself or somebody else – outcomes that will leave scars that last a lifetime. Meanwhile, clear across the state in Sacramento, Lauren’s teal blue Mini Cooper convertible was finally towed to a repair shop where the issue appears to be as simple as a key fob needing a new battery. That’s not the final outcome but that’s the indication at this point. More to come when more is known. Jennifer enjoyed the afternoon and evening, making “Mexican Stew” for today’s coat drive and, as evidenced by the scattered sealed and addressed envelopes on the coffee table, writing and preparing a batch of Christmas cards to send. I’ve not sent Christmas cards for years. It feels like a legacy behavior based on decade-old practices in an era without the level of instant access and communication we have today. So you’d think I’d be more into it. I eschewed it yesterday as an obsolete act, yet I’m warming back up to the idea. Assuming it’s recognized as a sincere and non-obligatory act to send a simple warm holiday greeting, it’s got a massive return for a minor investment. I recall when people tracked the sent and received status of cards which in turn informed the following year’s distribution. Bob and Mary haven’t sent us a card for two years, so we stop? Seriously? Last night was my annual holiday dinner outing with Jess, Brian and Jonathan. I’d thought it was Thursday, and it was initially going to be elsewhere, but it all came together last night at Dry Creek Grill and was excellent. The more time I spend with friends, the more I want to spend time with friends. Rather cool how that works out. And as JS said on the way home, the friendships we have come naturally, yes, but still require work. It takes time and effort to maintain this engagement, and in particular, the example we’ve set over all these years is the basis for what I hope to foster going forward with more breadth and frequency. I want to start scheduling more things in advance and in intervals. It’s on my list of tasks heading into 2023.

Anticipation: Dom and Mary’s Coat Drive, Mark and Wendy’s Holiday Open House.

Goals: Reduce caffeine to 1 cup a day.

Gratitudes: This home, this morning, the weather, the sense of connection. My friends, a good meal, and coming home to Jennifer and the dogs. Yes, plural. Dogs.

Oh, and today I learned the phrase “nothing's more permanent than a temporary solution"

Howler Monkey-mind

It's not waking in the middle of the night that's the problem. It's getting back to sleep. That's where to struggles lie. It's the rapids in a flood of thoughts that I am incapable of navigating. In meditation, this state is referred to as "monkey mind". In that vein, mine is a "howler".

Last night, we put the outdoor carpet on the patio under the table, and it looks great today. It was a pleasant surprise to have forgotten about it when I walked out with the dogs in the morning. But now it's one more thing to steer them away from lifting a leg. I talked to Eric Fisher this afternoon about coming to visit in April '23. He's built a home designed to give friends and family a place to decompress, which would be a welcome trip. Work went well, and I'm more and more conscious, daily, of the break on the horizon. It'll be oddly conflicting. I think, in some ways, as we all do, too much of who I am is wrapped up in what I do. I'm more than that. Lauren's Mini got towed successfully, so tomorrow; we'll likely learn more about what's next. I spent the evening doing an extended pickup of the house and a bit more time in the garage. Keeping things at bay seems to be the key, along with minimizing the number of things. I'm still thinning it out. I will be for a while, I suspect.

Accomplishments: Extended an offer to 2nd Data Analyst. I am expecting a positive response tomorrow. 

Anticipation: Our annual EOY GNO will be at DCG. Best of times, these outings are. 

Goals: Make the most out tomorrow morning when Jen helps Matt get to a medical appointment and I'm left solo with the dogs to manage their AM routine (NBD, just food and walks. As long as they sleep in when she leaves, we're good. I don't want to get up at 5.30).

Gratitudes: The value I'm getting from reading/listening to "100 essays". The friends I'll be with tomorrow, and all the years we've managed to maintain this routine. That Tommy's and my interactions have stabilized for the time being.

Highlights: Jen got her formal notice that her position is being terminated at Intel. I am honestly excited about the possibilities this may open for her and for our 'next chapter' being one with fewer demands and a higher ROI as far as QOL goes. Lauren got further details about the CPAP lawsuit, and the serial number she got from the shop on Bascom isn't one of the recalled devices. Only, upon checking myself, I it's not a valid number. I'm suspicious. And although I have no solid evidence, the circumstances surrounding Linda's illness and her use of these devices seem far from causation simply by correlation. I'm not ready to abandon the effort quite yet.

Accomplishments: I made some staffing decisions at work that'll play out over the next week. Good for some, not good for others and relatively neutral for me. I continued to focus on stepping back and handing off throughout the next few weeks.

Anticipation: Talking to Eric Fischer tomorrow. I am eager to hear about his latest endeavor and coordinate visiting.

Goals: Make an aggressive effort tomorrow to stay on the fast track to 160 by EOY. I'm cutting it close each day. Continue reading "100 essays".

Gratitudes: Many of the people I work with are like family. The closer I get to not being in a daily routine with them, the more I appreciate them. Jen's good nature extends to even how she interacts with the dogs. The fact that most nights end with 👍🏼🌛,  😴👊🏼, 🚫🛏🐜😬.

Oh, and today I learned the seasonal phrase, "Keep the milk cold and the cookies warm."

"Focus on the climb, not the summit."

It was another excellent day for some routines to be reinforced. The SAD light and SPA music combination was quite pleasant. I'm slowly becoming the dog feeder in the am, which is fine, as it allows me to meditate before walking them and getting on with my day. I've started using "strides" again for daily reminders about habits. It's less about logging and reporting and more about keeping the goals in mind. I used to care about tracking these things here but less so over time, as it's nothing I reflect on or reference again. This month my mind is significantly focused on next month and the time and objectives I will be working to pursue. I'm slowly whittling down a broad list of ideals and coming to a couple of core key intentions that feel far more reasonable and achievable. And set a foundation to build on. Writing will be a dominate focus, as will reducing my use and engagement with distractions. I'm already starting to tweak the "Screen Time" settings for this reason. Tommy continues to be more pleasant than has been the routine, and I'm grateful for the relief of the stress for the moment. I'm juggling a couple of books, including "Cinema Speculation" by Quentin Tarantino and "101 Essays That Will Change Your Life", the latter being one I'm listening to chapter by chapter, a few times over, as it warrants concentration and repetition for retention. I'm also starting to strategize what I want to accomplish mentally, writing-wise, in the time I'll have in January. That's another instance of seeing to whittle down to something reasonable and achievable. Jen made a wonderful chicken dinner which we ate with one of her white wines sent from Italy. It was delicious. Both. We played cardzmania with the usual crew. While playing, I was thinking about how grateful I am for searching for and finding this option to maintain contact after Steve and Diana moved away. It's worked very well. We're gathering at least once a month, usually twice, and it's kept us all present and even pulled in Sheila, too. There is the sort of routine I want to create more of as we enter the following chapters of our lives. I worked for another hour or so in the garage, making further progress with the organization and storage needs. I have more to do, but I see improvement, which is inspirational. I talked to Lauren about the Phillips lawsuit, sent her some additional details and information and will continue to help them as they look into what options might exist. That's all something for another post on another site.

Highlights: Started the day off strong – early rise to gradual light and spa music is the best way to wake up. Navigated the am routines; my own, the dogs, and then a quick shower, shave and interesting audiobook accompaniment. A few points resonated: The concept that you can't just ready book after book after book and gain something without applying the content and living the lessons. The other was that people inherently find diversions from change or conflict by 'finding' problems to be upset about. Instead of rolling with the change or conflict head on. It's due to anxiety about the unknown, even if and when that unknown change is good and needed. That hit home. As much has I want to spend a good deal of time reading I'd rather focus on a few key ideas and apply them while "getting busy living" and moving forward with my own agendas for change. I took Lucky into the back yard tonight this evening after spending a good chunk of time getting some garage clutter restructured and thinned. As I stood in the cool air it struck me how I'd lived there before, stood their before, looked into the same house before, in completely different circumstances. And there I was back in the same position, only watching Jen doing dishes through the window. The entire experience of being back here is vastly different, in great part because of our dynamic but also, because of the experiences of the past year. It's changed me significantly, and my perspective is nothing like it once was. This all feeds into wondering where I might be in 5 years time, and what I might be regretting or seeing with more insight than before at that point. I've gone back and looked at photos from the past year recently. Of the kids and their mom, and it's difficult enough to do that it makes me all the more aware of the importance of doing so. I have clutter to restructure and thin in my own psyche garage too. While driving home w/Jen this evening after a quick errand, as I turned the corner and saw our house, I thought about Tommy's current presence there, and how, as much as I might be frustrated by the dynamic that exists between us, when he does eventually move out and I drive down the street to a home he'll not be in nightly, It'll be something I'll struggle with. As I do not seeing Lauren daily too. I love them both, I'm glad they're on their respective paths, I am anxious to follow my own more freely as well, but it remains a loss of a contact that's important to me.

Highlights: Weekend indulgences caught up and undermined weekday efforts. A 'break even' after one week isn't progress. It's a failure. Intermittent fast for the day broke for light dinner and, oh, more indulgences due to the return of macadamia nuts I'd given a friend, only with added elements. De-fucking-lecious stuff. Jen painted more cabinets and walls in the kitchen while I worked through more of the filings and paperwork I had to catch up on. I sat and read a magazine article with my morning coffee but sadly struggled with the font size! Ugh. Age. Meanwhile, I've amassed more audiobooks and kindle content for my January endeavors. I got all the remaining Christmas stuff sorted out and set aside the 'legacy' stuff for the kids, including their mom's and my stockings, which she stitched for us in 1998 and to be honest, seeing hers hit a nerve. It's still hard to comprehend fully that she is gone, and that it still throws me from time to time speaks to my resolution with it all being incomplete. I'll be working on that in 2023 too. And I'm glad the kids will have so many artifacts and pieces of their childhood set aside when they're ready. I pulled down and set up another of the trees in the front - it's simple, colored lights and looks excellent like the rest of the house lights. I talked to both kids about the Phillips CPAP lawsuit having had significant momentum in November. I hope they pursue it, there's a solid chance that their mom's death was a direct result of her use of the defective recalled units, and the impact warrants reimbursement of the entire medical costs at the absolute minimum, let alone compensation for their loss and the hardships it's put them through, too. I'm not typically a litigious person and think many lawsuits are frivolous and unwarranted, but this is not one of those instances.

Highlights: Two wonderful nights with Jen 'n Friends. Original Joes with JF Friday, Dinner w/J&BG Saturday at their place (with Connor too). We are both aggressively consciously grateful for the friendships we have. Jen routinely says, "I love your friends," and I always remind her that they're OUR friends. Friday was stunningly cold, as the ice crystals on the cars made clear. Work was work. I've continued listening to and moderately applying some 'best practices from "How to Break Up With Your Phone". I'm enjoying the benefits already. "Moderation" is critical. I spent today's morning running errands and focusing on Jen; the afternoon was clearing out a backlog of papers/tasks, including stumbling across the soon-due property tax bill. Whew.

Accomplishments: cleared a backlog of paperwork (partially)

Goals: complete today's effort, from the bedroom to dining room/holiday bins. PSMF day.

Anticipation: Picking up a mustard gold rotary phone

Gratitude: the color of the sky over downtown SJ Friday PM (stunning sunset), our friends, and how DSOTM still takes my breath away.

Stay On Track

My advice around setting a meeting agenda: The difference between "detail" and "derail" is one slip of your finger on the keyboard.

'tis a good day for a concerto | 🎶 "'Cos this winter looks like it's gonna be another bad one" 🎶

Highlights: Horrible sleep last night following a blowup with Tommy over his disrespectful interactions with me. We made it two whole days. I was still fuming when I got up and felt overwhelmed by everything, so I got up and went to Starbucks to hang out, listen to more of "How To Break Up With Your Phone," and avoid getting into the ring again. I returned before my meetings, and he approached me about resolving last night. I said there was nothing to resolve and meant it. As Jen said, the damage is done. That's both to our relationship, theirs, and for him in general because he seems completely detached from responsibility or consideration. Whatever the case, I'm focused on keeping things as balanced as possible while I work to accept the situation as it is and not expect otherwise. Jen's also reaching a limit, especially with the frequent failure to clear clutter and not leave stuff all over. That, too, is about historical exposure and poor modeling. They grew up in a disgusting environment, so this is the result. Work was good. I got my FMLA formally approved, which is such good news. I'm working on my game plan for the time and objectives. My dental visit was 30m from start to finish – good cleaning focused on daily flossing. I get that along. So I will ensure I do it as a new atomic habit. I found a way to simplify amortization reporting now that we're doing full routine time logging. I talked to a data analyst candidate from a company we have worked with on related projects, and there's a lot of interest from several players on the team to get them on board. We'll see how that plays out. Jen and I ran to GOBM (Pumpkin Spice NutPods!) and Costco (restocked DCG cards and snagged their stellar egg nog with the self-set caveat that I get back down to 160 before I open it, so there's more motivation to do so. I've been a bit slack this week. I picked up a wreath for my mom and will run it to her tomorrow. I returned to find some water in the garage, the roof is leaking. Ugh. I was going to put some barriers up tomorrow before more rain and call the insurance company. Oh, and Jen got us over to AAA again. Geico's been too problematic. Returned home to find one of the dogs dropped a dookie in the living room, but it's understandable, having been raining all day. She made dog food tonight and they of course were excited. All in all, it was a pretty eventful day. I'm going to floss now and try out the 'bite guard' I received to address teeth grinding.