Avoided any carry-over tensions and conflicts with Tommy this am. It was nice having Lauren here. I had a good focused workday without a lot of distractions. It looks like the direction for Linda's changing again to "board and care" vs in-home care. Kathy leaves Friday afternoon and she'll coordinate 24x7 coverage until the board and care is coordinated. Linda's ok with it. It's really hard and upsetting to see her seeming to be 'stuck' in this state of mind. I don't know how to reach or connect to her or if it's even possible. I mean on a deeper and more genuine level. She's clearly carrying more concern and worry with her. I think the treatments are going to be awful and it's hard balancing this whole situation with compassion and empathy while also factoring in her core anxieties. At least a decision's been made and at least Lauren won't be solo or prevented from working. That's good. The car repairs were done and in the usual sprint of setting aside the frustrations, and at Jen's request so we could have some peace, I let Tommy take the car. He returned with Lauren later which was a joyous surprise. Then he took her home. Not doing all that back/forth is really nice. I got to relax for a bit. I needed it. I'll be going to Pano tomorrow to get more coordination w/Kathy and try and finish some open item tasks like the skateboard ramp for one. Hoping Lauren w/come stay with us tomorrow before she's pretty much locked into Panorama for a stretch. Had a good text exchange with David and with Jeri too. Finding more value of late in the genuine honestly of caring thoughts. It's hard to go about anything 'routine' any more, or perhaps I mean mundane. I still find comfort in the nightly rituals and things that I do that maintain my sense of structure and ensure I have coffee waiting in the morning. But I don't miss politics or the news and my aspirations to somehow effect change in the world is fading, too.

I don't know where to start recapping this day. I don't want to start at all because I want it over like so many others of late. But I want to capture it because it has been pretty full and somewhat eventful. Lucky's presence continues to keep me awake throughout the night with either his noises (smacking, reverse snoring, or seemingly rising and moving around. It's the last that's a trigger for me because I'm waiting for the sound of pee or the smell of poop. When he wakes up, he rises and 'shakes' like a dog exiting a lake. I awaken to the rattle of his collar. I am now habitually trained to arise at that sound, open the back door, and let him out. It's a reverse Pavlovian response. And it happens frequently enough that I'm seldom sleeping deeply, as I am always anticipating the call to action. I tried catching up to lost sleep, and when I finally got up, I realized I'd screwed myself out of being ready for my bi-weekly sprint planning meeting. I have things I need to do in advance that I'd no time to do. Scottie still required walking, and we ran into Larry on his walk and chatted with him for quite a while. I'm glad we did. He's an interesting and good-natured guy, and we both like the time we spend talking with him, but it did add to my stress to be further delayed. Scottie's leg issues seemed to be getting better, but more on that later. Once back, I set about getting ready for my meeting from the patio, but Jen had a meeting then too, so I figured I'd move to the dining room table. Tommy was there. I set up my computer, told him twice I was joining a meeting, connected to my meeting with a bunch of my team present, and while muted, asked him to turn his sound down. He said it was already down. I replied that I could still hear it through my AirPods. He retorted that going any lower would mean he could not hear it. I reiterated that I'm trying to run a meeting, and he scoffed, "why do you need to do it here, anyway?" when he knows full well we have limited space, and he should have been in an online class in his room, anyway. I left my call, sent a "brb" message, packed up my stuff, and moved to the bedroom. I let him know how angry I was, swore at him too, and once in my room, I realized I was cracking from the pressure. I bailed on the call, said I'd return ASAP, took my keys, took my car, and left. After driving about, I decided I'd get the CRV checked out. There have been some knocking noises of late, and it's been concerning. I avoided taking his calls and endured his mean, manipulative, entitled texts. I sat in that waiting room lobby all day. Around 1/2 of the way through the day, they said they couldn't find the issue, and we drove it around, and I pointed out the concern. It turns out it's the sway bar, and at that stage in the day, it was too late to get it fixed. I continued working. I contacted Geico and worked some angles to get his insurance down to just $110/month instead of $350+. It took a lot of effort. I emailed him about it with the details and later learned that he told Jen about it. But he didn't express a single bit of gratitude to me, just like his mom. I suggested that Jen grab a bottle of white, pick me up at the end of her workday, and we'd spend the evening visiting my mom instead of being in the house. After that was suggested and accepted, she alerted me that the dog's leg issues were back. So I contacted Acadia, and they said the earliest option was Thursday. Jen picked me up, and I texted Eric, and moments later, we got a call saying, 'bring him in. In parallel, I heard from Kathy after what sounds like a full day of very strained time with Linda. They had issues with her caregiver trying to sit in her room all night and wanted a better setup, and she was trying to get a recliner chair. I threw a slew of options and suggestions, and she ended up going to Big Lots and calling me at my mom's about if buying it was the right idea. I reiterated my prior recommendations but said it was her call to make. She bought it. They took it to panorama, and then they dragged it through the entire new flooring, less than two weeks old, leaving long scratches all the way there. I'm furious because things are being done out of panic, stress, and urgency. Nobody's thinking anything through. Kathy leaves Saturday. My son, the one who was so devastated about the news, the one that just returned from Reno, is going to Tahoe Friday through Tuesday. Lauren works Saturday 10-2 and Sunday 10-6. There's nobody to attend to Linda. She's becoming overwhelmed with anxiety due to the most recent appointment and the realities laid forth about radiation. She's in free fall as reality settles in. Just like we all went through when her diagnosis was first given to us. She's heading down that same path. With her sister leaving Saturday, there's no clear plan on who will attend to her needs, and she will feel all the more anxiety. Lauren should not be doing this. It's completely unreasonable to expect she would take on being her mom's caregiver, let alone that it be allowed to compromise her school or her work. Kathy said she'd get 24x7 coverage lined up, but that's still subject to oversight. it's a complete clusterfuck, and with Kathy saying, "sorry, I can't do this anymore" and heading home to Tucson, it's going to get pretty ugly unless there are some backup plans in place. Anyway, we did drop the dog at Eric's clinic, we did get Aqui and did get to my mom's and did get through a few glasses of wine and some deep dive updates. We picked up Scottie at 7. he's going to need ~$7k worth of knee surgery that can't get scheduled for weeks. My car repairs will be done tomorrow and cost over $1700. Our best-case scenario for our taxes is paying over $8k. So in the next couple of weeks, we will fully deplete what little savings we have managed to stash away over the past few years while I've been supporting two households. Yet somehow, I'm supposed to wake up tomorrow with a dying ex-wife being left for my daughter to care for, an unexpectedly high car repair bill, an ungrateful son who doesn't deserve to drive my car (yet I will let him just because if I don't he'll poison our home with his presence and cruel nature like that twilight zone episode with Billy Mummy), a dog I love that hops and whimpers in pain, and I am expected to try and be productive at work and to have a positive attitude. I know it could be worse. I could be facing chemo, radiation, and death. At least I'd have a timeline to work with. As I wrote when I replied to Melissa's text about her medical struggles,  Life is like a day spent at Disneyland. It's filled with ups and downs, a few great rides, lots of waiting, and lots to see and enjoy everywhere you look as you do. That day also ends. The park closes, and you take the memories with you.

Journaling every night has become sidelined, as one might expect. More often than not, by the time the day ends, my revisiting it does as well. I don't know how to convey where my head is at anymore because I am not sure. I still insist that what I'm working to manage and comprehend is nothing like what Linda is facing. It seems selfish to express anxiety about being a witness to her suffering, while I feel compelled to run towards it in several ways, be right there for all of it, just as I would have had we never divorced. I once wrote a post titled "I do what I want" about doing things for others that I'd want done for me. Although I don't necessarily know how I'd approach this if the tables were turned, I do know that for her, the idea of being alone through this is her worst nightmare. When we separated, I told her I hoped that we'd part friends and stay connected. Those connections snapped through all that followed over the years. Yet, just before her condition was diagnosed, I saw the opportunity to at least reconnect a line or two and re-establish a more civil and considerate rapport. However this plays out, my kids and I will be intimately involved. We're going to need to support each other and her with compassion and love. As I was advised, every day brings something new, something challenging, and something hopeful. Jen's right alongside me and supporting us all. Lauren got her covid shot today, and Jen took her while I took Tommy for his driving test (he passed). His having this freedom is a joy to me. I remember how big of a deal it was for me at 17 to finally get mine and be able to get out and about without constraint. I'm expecting every day for a week or two to include him being off running errands for whatever needs may arise. It's a big deal. We got and took Aqui to Panorama, Jen dropped Lauren there, and I returned home with Jen and left Tommy with the keys. Kathy made the call and engaged an overnight care provider starting tonight. Hopefully, this will improve Kathy and Lauren's sleep and open up options for her to come to Matson and see Lucky too. We all miss her.

Snooze Alarm

I want to be as "woke" as the next person, I just don't want to be kept up all night.

Another day balancing work and helping with Linda. Helped tackle some critical form needs. Gena came to help her mom through Sunday. Tommy left for Reno. Jen and I attended the Palo Alto Support Group again, with Kathy joining from Pano. I think the contacts and info helped and will end up getting her help sooner than later. Chilled for the PM afterwards. Keeping it brief 'cause I'm tired and trying to take a break. Oh, the 5 invitations continues to be an excellent book.

Worked from Pano after getting breakfast en route. Helped Kathy w/the highest priority admin/paperwork tasks as much as I could while she juggled things. Sounds like the overnight was less demanding but still exhausting. I wrote the schedule on the board which helped yesterday and I think it helped today too. There wasn't as much of an improvement but there was improvement and I think the anxiety around the dr appointment was a factor. She'd made a few comments about it prior. It seemed to go really well, I think. The dr was well aware of her concerns and she voiced her desires to stay focused on positive optimism and the best course to take. When asked if this would work and get her back to herself he said "That's the goal". Since no more dramatic pronouncements were made and since the terms Cancer were used without drama, it seems she's aware and is dealing with it all internally while insisting we not talk about it. I imagine it's going to be a hard road and I'm conflicted with how it might play out but I do believe that she would absolutely choose to pursue treatment to extend time as much as she would to recover completely. I was the food provider tonight, got Pastaria Market and she sat at the kitchen table for the first time which was really wonderful. It was a much better experience all around. Jen remains interested in helping and I might send her off on Sourcewise as an investigation. She really wants to help. She gave me the best compliment today - she said she loved me because I'm genuine. That made my day.

Parting with the bed frame I've had since at least 24years. Sad letting it go, glad it's getting continued use.

Yesterday, the time spent at Panorama was tough. Linda's patterns, repetitions, and demeanor were draining and upsetting. I struggled to be as supportive and upbeat while wresting with the frustrations that come from the circumstances, but just recognizing it was beyond her control helped keep me focused on the empathy needed. That led me to think about moving things forward, as her circumstances' static nature was not productive. Today I returned, and the 1st thing I did was write the day and schedule on the whiteboard and wall post-it note. I talked to her directly, asked about her perception of circumstances, asked if she realized she was repeating things, discussed her recovery goals and feelings. Then I put time into deviating compulsive rumination towards those goals. It worked well. She was so much more talkative, and even though she still exhibits the stroke-like nature of communication, there were far more indications of her presence and core nature. My time and efforts afforded Kathy the time to attend to herself and put time into the critical tasks at hand. Home care. Long-term care insurance claims. Disability. Power of Attorney. All week, whatever time I can spend at Pano that free's her up to focus on these activities, I'm there. I felt like today was a dramatic improvement over yesterday, and I told her so directly. Golida brought her salmon, and they visited for over an hour, and it was a positive exchange. When Golida left, she went back to anxiety. That's interesting. This whole experience is eye-opening. It's also soul-crushing knowing that come tomorrow, she's potentially going to learn the prognosis, and regardless of that happening or not, the realities are that she's likely facing a minimal time. Her statements today about gratitude for life, the kids, desires for their future in ways that include her were painful to hear. The simple fact is that she wants to hear absolutely nothing negative and no bad news. She'll tell the doctor that herself, she had already to others. What tomorrow's doctor will do with that is TBD. I'm hoping he soft-pedals the brutal realities for at least another week, allowing her time to recover and further stabilize. Either way, it's uncertain what the right choice in this instance is. What's the point of telling somebody that can't handle it that they're going to die? In these instances, I'm not sure there is anything good to come from it. I'll be on the call, though, after all, helping to support and taking notes for Kathy to reference later. I am considering recording it, as it might include things we want to look at again, but it might also be something I wouldn't want to listen to ever again.

Today was Linda's return home from rehab. It's been a long day. Tommy was competitive which made it worse for the 1st half. I took them to Pano, ran and got the drill bit I needed to dismantle the skateboard ramp as well as flowers for the house. I'm glad I did that, as there were less dropped today than I'd expected but perhaps more will trickle in tomorrow. I returned, dropped Lauren at Vasona, and went back. I took the drill bit and took down the ramp. I got it all 'down' but still have about 30% left to dismantle fully. I'll finish that later this week. Linda returned at 11.30. Tommy and I greeted her. She was very pensive, in a slightly catatonic manner. She made it in fine. She went straight to the couch and settled in. The anxiety levels are high and the repetitive focus "loop" is strong. Hopefully a few days at home, and some routine, will result in less of these extremes. I ran to get prescriptions, then to pickup lunch, then again to get missing prescriptions and return the ones we didn't ask for. The clerk said I could not return them once they left the building, and I said they gave them too me without my asking for them. They said "I can return them this one time" and I got pissed and replied "how about you simply not give people things they didn't ask for in the first place". When I returned she'd fallen asleep for a bit which allowed Kathy and I to talk to Joanie in the Palo Alto Support Group about in home care. She was wonderfully helpful. She shows a good deal of compassion. She contacted Rhonda for us and she'll connect with Kathy Monday. Tommy went to Mastreo's with Eric and I picked up Lauren and returned to Pano. I hung out a bit longer and saw a bit more hopeful aspects of her return in some simple conversations. But the 'focus loop' behanior returned. It's hard, irritating, and draining. I returned to Matson. Lauren and Kathy stayed and Lauren later shared some observations on where she things some of this originates from, both the physical slowness and the panic/help me nature of her demeanor. I think there has been the former before the surgery and it's likely the same damage. The whole thing is an awful situation for all. I said I'd bring breakfast tomorrow, drop Lauren at work, drop Tommy at ExtraHour, and hopefully spend the day recovering. But I'll feel bad if Kathy needs a break and I'll offer to provide it. It sounds like she's sleeping in her room tonight. I have my phone with me in case anything needs my involvement.

Another full day of focused activity subconsciously designed and engaged in to avoid facing the inconceivable truths around which all these actions are based. It's surreal and getting oh so real every day. I went to oversee the contractor's removal of the tape residue and the hauling of the junk from the renovations, and more. I loaded up the paint cans and found that they'd already been there and taken an initial load. I left a tip $ with Kathy. We talked a bit about the state of the house. I think she was shocked by it. I bit my tongue, but I'm getting too old and tired of playing nice. I may crack soon, given that I've been branded as evil for years without any consideration of what I had to endure that drove me to need to get out. Harsh, not judgmental, and genuine. It was a problem for me, and there is something validating to have it acknowledged. Anyway, the focus remains on the brutal and devastating prognosis and that she's still not 'come down' in anxiety yet. I dropped the paint and returned to Matson and worked until it was time to drop Lauren back at Matson. Oh, and I ran Tommy to get a haircut at noon. Once back at Pano, I put the refined switch plate in, plugged in the AppleTV cord replacement, cleaned the Keurig only to find it was leaking, cleaned light switches and plates, and picked up in the back yard while determining how to disassemble the ramp tomorrow. Kristy from Grace dropped off art the kids drew for her. It's still odd to be there and hard not to reflect on building teepees, tree houses, swing sets and rubber ground covering, tearing down a brick firepit, expanding the living room, and so much more. There's so much history there. I understand why Tommy would not want it sold any more than I'd like my mom's home sold. I headed back home after 5, intentionally avoiding contacting Lauren and instead just letting her have the time w/her mom and Kathy. We will need help. Kathy can't manage this, nor can I, and certainly not the kids either. They indicated she might calm down more once at home and in a familiar environment. That sounds like a reasonable expectation. We'll see how it goes tomorrow. Jen made some great Indian food and stuffed peppers too. Lauren "splurged" on Chili's takeout, but after her efforts today, it's warranted. Tommy came home sullen. I tried to break the ice but could not break the glare, so I left it alone. I'm not sure yet if Linda will be ok w/me being at Pano tomorrow, and if not, I'll accept it graciously and give her the time and space needed, but I'm worried that the demand on Kathy might wear her down, and Linda needs her help until Kathy V is back. Jen continues to be supportive and understanding, and encouraging. While all this is falling around us, she's keeping us positive and encouraged and laughing too, all while taking on more work at Intel as her skills get more recognition and acknowledgment. She's a fantastic partner, and I'm so grateful to have what we have.

Life Through Death
Radio Headspace

Finding life in death is not a normal practice. The thought of death holds a negative space in our minds. Changing our perspective of death can lead us to a new journey and appreciation of life that we would not experience without the context of death.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/radio-headspace/id1510981488?i=1000513526840

Today was a long day. Sometimes it's a challenge to stop and remember every little nuance and thing that happened. Whatever does is followed by something else. I slept late and loved doing so. I want to get up and meditate and walk, but maybe, right now, it's not reasonable to expect to maintain the same daily rituals for a while. Once up, we walked the dog as always. It's always fun to do, and with Lucky around, it's his one opportunity for that routine of his own to continue, solo. I made a breakfast bagel for Tommy. Jen to say hi to Sabrina during my am zoom call, and Tabitha too. Lauren got word from Kathy that she could indeed attend the caregiver training at Mission Oaks. So I dropped Lauren at 9.45. They took off for what would be a full day with her mom, learning all sorts of home-care-related needs. I tackled some maintenance tasks at Pano, including cleaning/fixing some floor vent covers, clearing out the thyroid meds, cleaning a few particularly filthy doors, and removing the hack-job safety risk cord-cutting Tommy did when putting the TV into the shelf in his room. I'm stupified at how little thought went into this for such an intelligent guy. It was absolutely a fire and electrocution risk, and it popped off when I rotated the TV to access it. I found one cable in the garage and the other at Savers, where I stopped later to drop a crapload of clothes donations. I saw and talked to Orv for awhile. He had a handful of things to share about his own wife's struggle a few years back. It was great info and so good to see him. I also found and moved another mirrored door out. I tried to triage the garage lighting issues to no avail, and I can't access much of it due to the contents, so it'll have to wait. I managed to keep my focus on work in parallel, which felt good. I went to Keypoint and got some cash and the paperwork to open a new joint checking with Linda, so we have it in place for property tax next year and less risk of one or the other being unable to manage things if the other is incapacitated. This is the shit you have to consider at our age, I guess. I listened to more of The Five Invitations. It struck me how I'm in the last chapters of my own life. The "Headspace" podcast had a similar topic today about living conscious of death as a way of living more present, thoroughly, and with gratitude. Linda's situation, Jen's cousin's too, is the beginning of a period of loss that I've lamented facing for years. And so it begins. I also stopped at HarborFreight, and along with some stuff for Panorama, I get the missing dremmel pieces and cut the switchplate in less than 60 seconds. I printed out things for Kathy to use this weekend/next week when working w/Linda on bills, as Property Tax is looming. I received the pamphlets from ABTA, pulled my copies, and will get them to Kathy tomorrow as well. I contacted Cancer CAREpatient at Orv's recommendation and will be talking to them tomorrow. Lauren returned and had all sorts of insights and experiences to share. We drove to Andale and took food home while she shared the details. Her mom's anxiety is high, likely in part due to Steroids but also likely due to the lack of a 'filter' and impulse control. Lauren said she and her sister talked afterward in the car, and although Kathy knew she had these issues but never how bad. Linda also had some positive things to say regarding gratitude to me for the kids and the home she has. It sounds like she's got more work to do, and they might delay her return home until Sunday. I remain a fan of their taking the time to ensure she's stable. It seems like she may never be the same person again. Once home, it'll be a long week with transitions and appointments. It's a horrible situation no matter how you look at it. I talked with Jen last night about how the romanticized idea of death coming in your golden years by passing away peacefully in your sleep seems like a fairy tale. My exposure to death so far is a sudden unforeseen tragedy or grueling gradual decline. I expect this experience, the year ahead, will dramatically impact and change us all. How can it not? I talked briefly to Jess about a Roku position I might have been interested in. 2 months ago, I'd have jumped at the opportunity. Yet, as we talked it over, I admitted that the year ahead wouldn't be one in which I'd have the time and focus a new position would warrant. It felt good to at least acknowledge it out loud, just as it did to have had Jennifer be the one to quickly pass on the invitation to go to Washington with Matt, Steve, Diana, and the usual suspects. That meant a lot to me.

Another full day with an increased focus on Panorama due to Linda's sister's arrival tonight. I juggled work tasks and interviews and such while taking on a slew of items with the kids help, at times even voluntarily and aggressively. I contacted the construction company when I realized that much of the crap in the garage was contents put there during the remodel, but not removed. They're going to send somebody out tomorrow or Friday to resolve that and flooring tape residue, too. I'm gonna try to get them to take a few other things as well. Cash in hand might help. Hauled it all out to centralize it. Cleared the rest of the crap out of her car, got it washed, looks fantastic now. Left her passwords book where Lauren found it, having already told Kathy about it. Tommy gave me shit about not letting him drive it. Didn't have time or interest to argue. He's been unpredictable lately. This is getting to him and he's trying to stay busy elsewhere. Lauren was so helpful throughout the day with cleaning up, folding laundry, getting into closet door groves. Mark came to help w/the closet doors, so grateful for his assistance. Sure they're baseline doors but they do the job. Ordered Happy Hound and hung on the patio. Continued with cleaning until we had everything really reasonably ready. I even washed vases in antiiciatiopn of flowers. I've got some additional stuff I want to tackle tomorrow including door jams and vent filters. Jen made the most awesome soup: Broccoli Cheddar Bacon. It's sounding more and more like Linda's getting either overwhelmed with contact, or struggling with her situation and fears, or having continued memory or impulse issues. Lauren brought up her meds which I removed for satefy reasons. We went through and looked at the bottles to understand what she was taking. It's sad and upsetting to realize now that what was seemingly behavioral issues we'd associated to medications was a tumor. It's tragic, and may remain tragic. I'm deeply saddened by the prospect of the upset and fear and struggles that await her. Next week will be like living that 1st week we learned over again, this time being her full exposure and understanding as we work to best support her through it. I'm deeply grateful for Jennifer. She knows me so well and is sad for her, wants to help with food and would willingly go help in person too, and she supports my involvement in this. I got 8 more keys made to have on hand for giving to caregiver friends and neighbors as necessary. Kathy arrived this evening and we saw her briefly as we dropped off a blanket and Lauren kindly thought to put the air purifier I'd found a few days ago, into the room she's occupying. I'm hoping she has a pleasant night and that there's nothing about the house that works against her being able to stay for long stretches as needs warrant.

Mornings remain the worst part of this situation. It's when I wake up from a peaceful respite that I suddenly remember what's going on, what's on the horizon, and I don't yet have rationalizations preventing the raw spin of disbelief and upset. It's when I just wonder "what if", "how will she….", "how will they…", along with, of course, "how could I have ….". There are only a few days left before she returns home, and there is so much uncertainty ahead. I don't know if she'll ever be 'herself' again. I don't know how much help and support she will need or receive, or how difficult it might become. A lot of what I've read implies this gets bad. I'm also torn by my role in this. I care deeply and want to be there as much as possible but I assume a great deal in that. I assume a fantasy world of acceptance and forgiveness and understanding and gratitude and simple genuine humanity and connection. I don't know that is or was ever possible. I know I don't want to be removed from this, denied the opportunity to show my empathy, compassion, and caring for somebody that I spent so much significant time with. It seems at times that the only way to stay sane requires isolating my core feelings and taking a 'matter of fact' approach to things. That is a hard balance to maintain. Her bedroom furniture was returned yesterday. Lauren and I picked up the closet doors last night while Tommy was (surprisingly) at a scouts meeting. We're going to the house today, in advance of her sister coming tonight. Our plan today is to clear clothes, clutter, hang closets, and clean. The "CL…" list of tasks. I'll probably take 1/2 day at work.

Fine. Ok. I'll admit it. Lucky is a far more fun "playful" dog than Scottie, who doesn't fetch or catch.

Today was a reasonably balanced day, for a chance. I'm going to try and reincorporate my daily morning meditation back into my schedule starting tomorrow. I had a sufficiently productive workday. Jen and I set up the patio for her workspace yesterday afternoon, and she used it today. It seemed to work well. I had to meet the furniture storage crew at Pano for a pre-walkthrough before the furniture gets returned tomorrow. They check for obstacles, access, and any existing damage in advance. Our failed attempt to paint the unpainted space on the entertainment center wall wasn't a match. But later in the afternoon, while there, both of them searched and eventually found paint in different places. I thought we'd failed, and just before caving, something caught my eye, and we finally found the right match. We let the test dry, ran for food for them, dropped Tommy at Matson, and returned to check it. Bingo. We repainted the area with primer earlier so this was just a matter of a single ample coat, and that task was complete. Just in time for the bookcase delivery tomorrow. I also adequately labeled the can. Old paint will be one of the items we'll need to include in the further cleanup. I also scrubbed the disgusting kitchen trash can. It's like new. I talked with Kathy D for a while, and she gave me updates on her schedule, mood, the team's concerns about her fears, and she listened to my input on the kids being involved in her finding out and other stuff related to status updates and next steps. I wasted 60 min watching SNL. It's just not where I'm at anymore. The kids are doing ok for the moment, but we all know that the whole landscape has changed. And I think we're all just anxious for her to be back at their home, with them and working through the process of accepting the situation and taking steps to treat it. The more I read and learn, the more concerned I become about the need for care and how to help the kids balance that with others' help. I listened to more of The Five Invitations. It is reaching me in many positives ways. Its recommendation was such a gift, and I recently thanked Sabrina for doing so. Once I finish it, I'll likely listen again to reinforce it.

Broken down and set out the old black wall unit at Pano. It's weird being back there, and yet there is something cathartic about helping to clear and clean for her return next week. Jen made some awesome lemon cookies. Beyond work at Pano It was a relatively low-key day.

Ran to Pano early am in order to unlock for the contractor doing the final task of the effort…. Hanging the master bathroom door. It's done. It's 9+ months of dragging out was absurd. Abuseive even. It's just unbelievable that it took that long and in about 2 weeks it got completed. Blame was passed around, but not owned. At least it's done. It looks awesome. Tommy was snarky again but less so. I called Linda while waiting for them to return from getting bagels while heading back from Pano to Matson. She said to say thanks to Jennifer for putting the kids on her insurance. It floored me. I don't know what the future holds for her, and right now she's less insight than I have as to the breadth of hardship that might lie ahead. But this was a big statement. I want to assume it was sincere and perhaps there is less bias restraining she expressions. Tommy went to Extra Hour. We lingered about the house and Lauren and I went to Pano where we measured and took pics of the black entertainment center. We're going to go break it down tomorrow. She wants it gone and we'll give it away on Craigslist. Tommy returned and I took him to Carls. Still tension. I got him before dinner and he seemed to finally be relaxing a bit. Maybe it was the hug I extended beforehand. I don't know. I just appreciated it. Meatballs with a feta-tomato sauce that was just awesome and a 2014 Malbec. Moutain drive w/Jen along and good music. Listening to more of the 5 invitations. Wrote and thanks Sabrina sincerely, and send a copy to Jeri too, who texted and wrote me earlier today. I'm struck by the photo of the hallway with new doors, because those are my kids rooms and have been for as long as they themselves will ever remember. I know that this year will be difficult, and they will be on the one home they call theirs with their mom throughout all that lies ahead. It's both heartbreaking and rewarding to know that the goal I set that this would be their home was achieved. Just not nearly as long as I'd planned. If the call is mine to make some day, I may be inclined to hold onto it for them. Time will tell.

Tough day. Tommy's attitude became unbearable. Jen/I discussed and she's ready to move out. Decided to tell him he should stay at Panorama until he can simply come live with civility. He can hate me/us but we can be civil. Told him, he argued every point no matter what, and implied I was abandoning him. Assured him it was not the intention, it was about a few days coming down from tensions and getting a break. He still clung to that misconception even in the face of my protest and clarification. High conflict disorder in full gear. FIgnthing for the right to fight. Tensions were high, he ended up coming to Matson then going to Extra Hour. Jen/I went on a planned date night regardless and we needed it. This year is likely to put us all to the test as we navigate the struggles ahead and as I've said often, we're by standers, Linda's the one with the hardest road ahead. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm gonna stear clear of any/all situations and just hope that some peace can come into play. We certainly all need it and only one of us isn't working to balance the load.

We joined a support group zoom call today for 'caregivers' of cancer/tumor patients. It was really informative and we got some good initial ideas about the path ahead. It's absolutely going to be a life changing even for us, for the kids and certainly for Linda. I have some more research and learning to do, there's another meeting in 2 weeks with patients as well. In other news Tommy's remained aloof but with a tad less distain. The panorama bathroom got finished sans the mirror which is on order, and doors are being hung tomorrow.That'll be the end of that, with the furniture being returned Tuesday. Sounds like Linda will be in rehab until March 20 so there's a bit more time to manage some of the remaining tasks.

After last night's tense interaction w/Tommy, I resolved to put more time into taking care of my own needs over everybody else's. Got up early, walked 2m while listening to the 5 Invitations. The situation with Linda continues to occupy my waking thoughts, simply from the sudden shock, the recognition of the reason for weeks or more of anomalies, and of course more than anything else, the prognosis. It's an awful situation that regardless of my own frustrations and experiences, I'd not wish on her or the kids. Lauren and I picked up the doors and it looks like it'll likely cost me ~$500 or more to just get them painted and hung. That's over $1k now on 3 fucking doors. Yet in the big picture it's going towards making things far more pleasant at Panorama. The flooring is in, too, and it looks great. I picked up hinges and door knobs w/Lauren so everything's there for tomorrow. By EOW it should be complete. Tommy was pretty evasive most of the day which, after last night, I get, and I'm giving him space. Passed along a bottle of Screwball Whiskey to Mark, enjoyed a glass myself while watching/listening to Simply Red concerts on YouTube, which really feeds my soul. I love music and it's almost spiritual to revisit some of my historical musical milestones like this. It's part diversion, part reflection, part immersiion. With all that's going on around me, including my mom's own struggles as well as Linda's, the need to at least feel each day is lived with something that makes me appreciate being alive, be it a morning walk in the rain, playing with the dogs, telling Jen I love how she's so supportive of my kids through this, or chilling with some samba beats in a YouTube concert video, feels … conscious.

Pressing Matter

It's surreal to consider that it has only been two weeks since Linda went into the Good Samaritan emergency room. Weeks of increasingly concerning behavior, combined with nausea and headaches, culminated in discovering a mass growing in her brain. We stood last night at the same spot we stood 14 days earlier. Only this time, it was to see her checking out, not checking in.

These past two weeks felt like two months. There are many more weeks ahead yet to play out. Some will likely seem to drag as these did, while others will fly by in ways that will leave them feeling cheated.

The pressure continues building as the juggling of the work week and parallel tasks helping with the kids and their mom's recover. Tommy's becoming more and more difficult and I don't know how to handle it any longer. Nothing works and he's treating me worse and worse and abusing us all with the same attitude and belligerence he's exhibited before. I try to write it off as dealing with his mom's situation but it's getting bad. We almost came to blows tonight. Linda called earlier today and we talked about things related to Panorama contractor work and property tax and more. She said this was a humbling experience. Lauren indicated she's still saying some things that seem off or out of place but that's what rehab is about. She'll likely return to Panorama next week. It'll be good to have the kids there with her, I know that will be good for all of them.

Took Lauren and Tommy to Good Samaritan in order to see their mom for the 1st time in 2 weeks. She was being transferred to Mission Oaks and they got to see her, hug her, talk to her, and we followed her to Mission Oaks where they got a second chance to do the same again. It was really valuable for them and for her.

Dropped Tommy at EH, dropped mom's DL and docs she left in my car at her place, and took Lauren to SF. We had a great time. We went to the Tulip Gardens in Golden Gate Park, had a stellar lunch at the Park Chalet next door, then we walked the full length of the Golden Gate Bridge and back. On the side that we later realized is supposed to be for bikes only. When driving into SF, a jogger crossing an offramp was offended by my failure to slow and stop for them. He hit the back of my car with his hand. I explained to Lauren that he was entirely out of his rights to be running in the street and expect me to slow for him when he saw me coming. Whatever. Some people are entitled assholes. We also had a few snide comments from people on bikes when we walked the west side of the bridge back. There's no signage, no indication whatsoever that there are some time constraints, so don't be mad at us, be angry at the bridge staff for not making these constraints clear to visitors. Sheesh. Oh, and we returned home to the same old dismissive, argumentative shit from Tommy. One would think the trauma and shock of the past two weeks would change his default need to argue, but that's not the case.

I'm eating and drinking way too much. The situation at hand has me reaching for comfort food. It's not the right approach for me. Linda's recovery has continued, and she's now much more accessible to the kids. They're having long conversations, and her memory seems robust and reliable. The short-term news does not overshadow the long-term concern and treatment. She will move to Vasona Creek rehabilitation on Monday. Tommy is putting time into "Extra Hour." work Lucky and Scottie are getting along better. Lauren's still relatively stoic and focused. Everybody, including Jennifer, is doing all they can to help and support and take action. The realities are surreal, and nothing anybody seems capable of comprehending still. Sonya's shared experience was jarring. I passed along what I could to Kathy. She has a crucial role to play in this on Linda's behalf. I'm still feeling somewhat on the outside, but time will tell if that evolves or not.

My morning started with an AM run to Bagel Basket w/Tommy. I worked all day, 1st full day in some time. I took Tommy to Pano and he worked to turn the front room into a 'guest room' of sorts. It looks awesome. Linda has continued to improve, she's out of the ICU and into a shared room for at least a week or so before going to next stage, acute rehab. As I understand it she starts some therapy tomorrow. It's amazing how it's only been 10 days since she was 1st seen. SO much has happened in so little time. Life changes so quickly. I've started to enjoy not caring about politics and news and even TV and movies. I'm "living" more but not in a way I want. Worry and concern and uncertainly are not pleasant ways to spend ones time. But what I'm focused on is important. My kids and their mom's return. I've listened so far to a couple of podcast with some hard facts but inspiration too. She'll likely be told about the prognosis this weekend or next week. I'm not sure what to expect any more but we'll see. I plan to be encouraging and supportive, and available to help however I can. I'm going to start listening to "The 5 Invitations" book that Sabrina recommenced.

I've been told this journey is a roller coaster and that's certainly true. I got up and baked the crescent rolls for Tommy as a surprise. The morning sprint and all-hands meetings went well. I took Tommy with me to Pano beforehand in order to unlock the door for the contractors. The kids talked to their mom in the AM and she was doing better then the night before. Far less panic, far less confusion, and more back and forth conversation. I even got pulled into the call and she is finally recovering more of her faculties. Her sister agreed 1-1 calls were much better for her.  I setup the iPad mini for her use but then, when dropping it at Good Sam, her sister conveyed they might move her to the next level room and she'd get her phone then, making the iPad likely unnecessary if its just for one night.We dropped by the house again and they installed the vanity. The electrician came and completed the fan installation. Lauren found a notebook that might be useful for account access but since she's doing better that's not such a big deal. We'll see. Cards with friends was fun. I got pulled into another call w/her and Lauren and although there's definitely improvement there's still a ways to go. I'm going to take the iPad there after all. We also discussed the prognosis with Kathy and the direction is that she'll need to be told once we know her retention is strong. That'll be an awful experience to have without somebody there so her sister is continuing to evangelize that aggressively. It's absolutely horrible. A few weeks ago seems like decades, and the end of the year feels like it's just around the corner.

Lauren and Tommy managed to coordinate what ended up being a 1.5hr video call with their mom tonight. They huddle together in his room and spent the entire time talking to her, watching her, and staying with her until she fell asleep. It was likely the calmest they've seen her since the surgery. Having them join Kathy and Kathy is chaos. I see such a value and benefit in isolated calls. I'm offering up any iPad I have to spare for her use in the ICU. There's only one, it seems, and having a dedicated option for Linda would enable so much more contact that is clearly and essential component of her recovery. At one point they literally sang to her, the same song she and I would sing to them in their infancy as they went to bed. It was a beautiful moment and one I hope touched her as it did me.

Every time I have started to journal this week, I stop. No matter what I write, I feel like a whiner. My kids are going through one of the most traumatic experiences a child faces. They will live their lives with a loss far more significant than my own. I feel deeply for them, and for losing the chance to complete a long-sought reconciliation. I feel guilt and regret for not being a better person than I could have been when responding to some of her situations. Regardless, What we face pales in comparison to the situationn their mom is living through right now. I know all too well that this scenario is her worst nightmare. I feel like there's nothing I can do to help other than supporting our kids. I have no legal rights or power to effect any change in her care or pursue options to get the kids allowed in to see her. Pre-covid, this would be a different story. It's inhumane, and I firmly believe this is stalling any progress she might make. Her worst nightmare is this isolation from her children.

I need to keep writing. I need it to work through this. I just feel like I'm complaining when I'm likely the lucky one here in comparison.

Living Hell Week

 As was the case with Guillaume Barre, if I don't write when it's happening, it's hard to revisit later with as much detail or accuracy. 

Tonight marks one week after getting the call from Linda's Sister Kathy that she was at Good Sam, and they found a mass that needed further investigation. I've written to a few friends about this as more upsetting details come to light every day. I keep thinking it can't get worse, and it does.