Tonight's zazen went much better for me than this morning. That is, of course, a relative statement, but an accurate one all the same. Nick's suggestion reference to putting his presence on his core center and not in his head worked well. If I had to gauge my presence over the-30 minute span I would say I was relatively present for at least 10 if not 15 of the minutes. While this morning it was perhaps 5 at best. If at all.



Another thought I have tonight relates to what my own goal in practicing really is, and how it fits into the life I want to lead from hereon out.



Like that person this morning that said, they simply want to be happy, I feel the same.



Does this practice provide that? Not directly, no, but indirectly, as I measure what I feel have been positive changes in my own daily existence, I would say emphatically…. maybe.



Like trying to isolate the root cause of a software bug, if you change 5 things and the problem stops or reduces, you cannot say any one change was responsible for the result.



Between my use of the calm app, reading of the dally store (daily), podcast content, blog/Newsletter subscriptions and oh, hell yes, the leave of absence... I'm managing life in what I consider to be a far more healthy manner.



Zazen sitting takes about 45 Min in the morning and another 30 at night. Not to mention drive time when attending in person. My calm routine would take 30 minutes were I to listen to all 3 each day (which I would like to be doing). Add another 5 minutes for mindfully reading and considering the davy stoic passages, and we are already at 1:20 daily, best case if all done at home without interruption.



Even if I spend 2 hours a day on average, it's worth doing so. It's worth setting boundaries with any job and at home because the lack of time I have spent attending to my own needs for a baseline sense of stability and balance got me to this point.



I get ideas and inspiration from all of the content I consume, but the silent meditation and effort to simply "be" in the moment is allowing me to slow down and make the space in need in order to incorporate all I am learning from the aforementioned content.



Which makes me happy.

It's snowing up here. It's exactly what I had hoped for. Its beautiful but intimidating, too. Mainly because it means that I am stuck here and I have to focus on what I came here to do. Read. Write. think. write. Repeat. I have taken some photos of the snow but been unable to send them to Jennifer and the kids. Maybe that's a reminder to be present and experience this completely. Remember that anything done simply to share is not a genuine experience. Be here now. In the community room sitting beside the fire I just made. Looking outside it is spectacular. What an amazing opportunity this is.

The morning Zazen was particularly difficult. I started strong, but lost my focus on letting the thought clouds drift by. instead I was all over the map with thoughts coming from numerous directions. I did manage to let go when I might have otherwise been adding reminders to my long and over-though list of things to do. 

The monday breakfast & meeting was a good one. It looks promising for me to meet this week with Michael, Michael, and Dan, so I can start helping with the weekly newsletter. I don't anticipate the demand being substantial and my hope is that doing this keeps me focused and engaged in my own efforts, too. The "personals" discussions were so intimate and honest and heartfelt. It's not only moving but validating to have people be as open and transparent about their lives, aspirations, and struggles. One of the people said "I don't know what's happening. Ever." I like how universal that sentiment can be. Even when we believe we do know what is happening, it's only from our own limited point of view. And no matter what, we can never really know what may happen next. Another though expressed at this round-table group-therapy of sorts was that instead of trying to be knowledgeable and a resource of Zen philosophy and practice, this person just wanted to be happy simply "being". Without effort, practice, analysis or couscous effort. They just want who they are and how they feel to be simple, genuine happiness. There was an earlier reference made, though, when discussing buolding and facilities related topics, where the comment was made that to keep up the desired condition of a particular room was not a matter of some changes that would prevent any further problems, but that people simply had to make an effort to maintain it properly. That seems to be a cornerstone of any mindful practice, be it tied to woodrot caused by water being left to seep into a floor, all the way to how our own happiness and health and our role in the lives of others also requires upkeep, awareness and conscious choices to not let something "sit and rot". 

As for my own outlook, beyond the slight trepidation of feeling a bit stranded (which I had also hoped for) I am trying to not obsess with filling my time with distraction. I am so accustomed to being constantly busy, or planning, or managing, that to stop 100% is as hard as...., well... sitting Zazen. 

Also, since the internet is down here now, I can not do anything beyond writing more, reading and of my downloaded book or one of the 100's in the library here, or listen to my audio books. :-)

At one point in the day as I sat in the common room reading my kindle, while Luke was reading his own book, a tall man with cloak-like clothing and a black-grey beard appeared at and entered the building. He said hello and asked if we were in need of any assistance. His name was Guidean (yes as in "bible") and he was driving to see the snow, having come up from Saratoga. He was aware of the center, having attended it some 10-15 years ago. He had a 4WD truck and thought to just stop in and check in on the occupants. What's most interesting to me is my own degree of skepticism. I have learned not to trust strangers. I used to. In my youth I was aided by strangers in various situations, yet somehow thru the years I have become conditioned to fear more than seemingly warranted. He visited a bit, had a cup of coffee, met and talked to Michael, then gently left. Only to return shortly after due to road closures. I was back ib my room at that point. He and Luke talked awhile before I returned and joined in the conversation. This guy teaches ti-chi and yogain Los Gatos, has degrees from Berkely, and translates 12th century Chinese! What an amazing random rncounter this turns out to be. Nick came to get Luke to do some other tasks and Guidean left to try once more to get down a road that is, according to Apple maps, still closed. So he may return. Their conversations are so deep and philosophical and complex. This feels at times like so many ideas and options and paths exist at levels of introspection and awareness that I simply have not "lived at". It overwhelms me. As interesting as all of these parallel and intersecting paths look, I feel a strong need to metaphorically ' 'finish the book I am already reading" before I go cracking open others.

I got up with the dogs this morning out of gratitude to Jennifer for doing so yesterday morning. Today was her turn to sleep in. I attended to feeding them before looking out the window in anticipation of seeing Tommy's new Tesla. It's beautiful. It's total "him" regarding the style and color. Far more so, in my opinion, than the model Y in white (or any color) would have been. He got up a short while later, and we drove to the Great Bear for coffee. That car is so smooth and so comfortable to ride in. Of all the cars he has ever had, this is the first I feel like I do about Lauren and her Mini Cooper. It's perfect for him. After coffee, we returned and took Jennifer for a ride. He wanted to charge it, so we parked behind the strip mall on S. Santa Cruz, where there is an Aldo's Cafe, Starbucks and other spots. Aldo's was closed, so we walked across the street and got breakfast at Sweet Pea Cafe. Later at home, I packed up and headed up the hill to start my week-long stay practicing meditation again at Jikoji. My last visit was so influential, as have my subsequent trips for morning Zazen been, that I wanted to try a focused 2x/day effort over five days. That initial stay was really about pushing my boundaries and testing the waters. This visit reinforces my focus while leaning into the experience enough to learn, memorize, and incorporate the principles. I want to try and do this routinely, wherever I might be. Before this, my meditations were typically shorter and guided ones. The calm app has been a life changer, and I always get some­thing significant out of the daily calm, trip and "Jay," So much so that I want to do all three plus the 30min Zazen sit, too. That's over an hour each day of my time, not including d drive time if coming to the zen center, which has the benefit of sitting in a community of others. It does make a difference to me. The drive up this afternoon was stunning. The top 20% of the mountain, Jikoji's grounds included, is covered with snow. The road was also lined with cut-up trees on the roadside, which resulted from crews working to open the highway after that big storm. I hope the rain continues while I am here because it leaves me with fewer options to focus on beyond writing and reading. However, having storms or winds come through could cause issues with comfort. They lost power, and they could again. The risks aside, my plan to write and read is playing out rather well. Luke and Nick are here. Michael is, too, although we have not crossed paths yet. Amanda popped into the common room briefly. All familiar faces now in a community that I am becoming an ancillary part of. This does not appear to be something that will be a heavy demand on my time while being a focal point and routine reminder to live as much in the present as possible. This week's goal is to work on my writing, but with a secondary purpose of exploring how I might take my thoughts and insights to a new level and establish a more visible online presence of its own. So many signs are coming my way, multiple signs each day. Several thoughts I have expressed were later echoed in a podcast or a newsletter I read. So many indicators give me a sense of direction and confidence I have not mustered before. Is that karma, fate or just the way the mind processes things? Whatever it is, this may be a good follow-up step and timing for me to head in a direction that allows for more happiness and well-being. Far more than having never taken a leave in the first place would have or just using the time off as a staycation filled with activities that do not lead me toward a much-needed change. Like I've quipped before, what doesn't move me forward holds me back.

Jen woke early. Well, Scottie woke early, which in turn had Ten getting up with him. At first, she took him out to the backyard, where he meandered around to and down the side alley by the bedrooms. I thought he might have heard something, an animal perhaps, but whatever the reasoning was escaped us both. Jen figured she would get up and work on her schoolwork, feed the dogs early, and have that wonderful pre-dawn quiet time. I got up later and consciously tried any "tiny habits" again. It was and always should be ultra-simple, yet once I fall out of the habit, it's an effort to revive it, which I did and will continue to do. Once up, I was informed that Scottie had thrown up, and there was some blood in T. There was a bit, but nothing like the experience about two years ago. He seemed and seems fine now, so I am not overly concerned. I got time against meditation and particularly enjoyed the "Minimize Negative Thinking" message of today's daily calm. It falls in line with a focus I am trying to incorporate. I started writing to leverage making more notes, and today, too. I am trying every inspirational moment at my disposal. I think the more I write, the more I will amass to work with and assemble a draft. Or two. Inspiration seems to be coming more often, but perhaps it's really that I am more actively open to and seeking it. Tommy sold the Porsche today. It's the first car he's sold, and I have sensed him feeling sad. I get that, but I am glad his next vehicle, a Tesla, will be far safer. More muscle but more brains and safety management on board, too. Lauren called to chat, which was great. I used facetimeto let her enjoy throwing a ball with Lucky. I leave for Jikoji in the am, and I expect to be highly focused on writing, further reduction of "To Do" items (deleting, not completing), and I hope to at least sort out some further feelings about making changes that help me care even less about pleasing others at my own expense. Tonight, Jen and I went to Niles Canyon to meet Valerie for dinner because we had tickets for a silent movie down the street! I have done reasonably well today with my effort to be as present and mindful as possible, including being appreciative, if not reverent, about the history and unique experience of seeing a stent more accompanied by a live piano player. I even won their lottery and got a bumper sticker. I called and talked to Tommy after he got his car. He's enjoying it already. He went to Lauren's work and surprised her. He sounded like he was surprised at how much he missed her. I acknowledged the sentiment. We are all connected but going our ways, and it is bittersweet. It's been a good, focused, inspirational day. The AM program at Ji koji was canceled due to weather and access issues, but I am ok to go as planned after 2 pm, which will allow me time to see Tommy's car, and the three of us can have breakfast. I'm so grateful to be aware of all I have to be thankful for. In a somewhat awkward way, even though it's been my mindset from well before Linda, her death remains the most significant force when living more conscious of my limited time.

Amazing morning. I'd toyed with venturing up to Jikoji but feared rain and fallen limbs. But Snow? SNOW! Tommy called and sent pics which inspired me to to check it out in person. For all the years I have lived here, I don't recall ever seeing it snow this much, that low. It was beautiful. Like, being in Tahoe. And it's likely to continue into next week when I'll be at Jikoji after all. THAT would be wonderful. My appt with Denise was good and helped me revisit the improbability that anything would have ever improved between Linda and I had this not happened. It's sadly likely the only way I could have gotten to be recognized for my integrity. Pretty stunning to consider. Another insight was that I have become so accustomed to living in a state of tension and anxiety that it's taken two months to finally start to see some clouds parting. AND I'm just on the cusp of reaching a "I don't care what others think" space. That's so encouraging. And warranted. The Kaiser 1:1 with Megan went reasonably well, too. I'm old and having a 'kid' trying to tell me how to consider life's experience is challenging but I know it's from a good place and education too. I'm just stunned that I'm that old guy now. Tommy had his 1st full day of work at Ramblic. We had sous vide steaks and acorn squash for dinner. I didn't get everything I wanted to get done today but I did make perhaps the most significant impact on my 'to do' list in years. I cleared out a lot of 'that'll never happen' entries. It's refreshing, but like cleaning a house out, it'll take a few passes.

Time Isn't Holding Us

I am trying to get in at least 2 miles of walking daily. It's important for my long-term health and agility as I age. Up until the last year, I have never felt my age. In the past 20 years, I've felt like an 18-year-old trapped in an over-40-year-old, then an over-50-year-old body and now a 61-year-old body. My birth year for this one span of time matches my age!

Throughout the past year, my perspective has begun to change. Perhaps that's because I've seen a drop in my physical and mental health consistency over the past two years. I think it's been gradual, which I consider good and probably par for the course, perhaps even above par. I have a lot more gray and wrinkles than I recall last year and more physical limitations and frustration with what used to be simple things, too.

I am starting the day far more mindful of any time and goals. Two exciting things crossed my path at the outset of my day. One is the daily store email titled "Do Not Turn Away." That is precisely what got me facing mortality and was the foundation of the experience with Linda. To face it all head-on and without feeling a need to look away. I did reasonably well in that effort, but of course, I could likely have done more, in hindsight.
 I had a great experience this morning by following up on an opportunity to go to a garage sale the day after. I reached out because a console stereo caught my eye, but it ended up being too large and not functional enough to warrant picking up as a replacement for the Zenith. I saw some Pyrex cookware and other items worth checking out. I had a good exchange with the seller and ended up meeting the Parents of this person whose own parents lived there and were going into assisted living in Rocklin. We talked about their parent's dementia, how they were 88, and being put into an assisted living home. They're angry, resisting and arguing about losing their driver's license, freedom and everything that goes along with age and changes of this nature. It was a very humbling conversation. I welcomed the opportunity to talk. I enjoy people sharing their experiences. I learned much from it by being open to hearing and extending support and compassion.

I picked up the Reben Quiche from my mom, chatted a bit, made a GOBM run and returned home. I managed to get some more tasks cleared and set up a better way to get content onto my Kindle and tweak a bit with some “reMmarkable" hacks that I can't apply due to being on a beta version of the OS. A broad community of users is doing exciting things, but that’s the case with pretty much anything tech these days. Jen’s got a possible option to maybe return to Intel, sort of… it’s that certain… but I’m all for her taking time and deciding to factor in her passions and well-being. I will certainly be doing that, too, in April.

The weather has been excellent, but it's turning windy, and storms are expected for the remainder of the week. We got up around 7 and walked both dogs for the first time in several days. They were happy about it, and Scottie seemed to be doing better. Johnathon and I coordinated a great walk. 3 + miles along the Los Gatos Creek trail and back down through town. Blue Bottle & Los Gatos Cafe were our stopping points. It was a good outing, and we will shoot for coffee at the end of the week. The group session went well, and I now have an individual session scheduled on Friday, immediately after my 10 AM with Denise. I'll get it all done at once. Jen and I made a Savers run which drove home to the need to get more momentum on my weight management efforts. Tomorrow will be a PSMF day. No deviation. The big highlight of the day, though, is that Tommy has managed to get an opportunity to work at "Ramblic" as a nurse's assistant! I am proud and excited for him to have accomplished this!

I aligned things well last night to get up and out the door by 6 am. I am starting to get a better feel for the door-to-door done thee to get to Jikoji, and next time I will leave closer to 6: 15. It's only a 30 min drive. I also learned today (by example) that to enter late is not a crime. My session was reasonable when compared to other attempts. I like how Nick later referred to managing thoughts as clouds drifting by and allowing them to do so. I met new people today. Cindy, an older guest, is a new resident. Miguel, whom I met on a prior visit and who prepared the Sunday lunch then, is also there now and will stay for two months. Hogan is leaving. I wonder why or to where. I don't assume any drama is involved. Two other guests, Asians with heavy accents from Palo Alto, Nick and "Harmon', were in attendance, as were Amanda, Hogan and Nick. I helped make breakfast (cheesy eggs), washed and dried dishes, and participated in varied conversations. I am looking forward to the upcoming 7-day stay. Especially if it does rain for a chunk of that week. It will force my hand to be reading and write more. And rain in that place will be.... cinematic! I enjoyed a relatively low-key morning and afternoon. I cleaned the gutters and found that the downside to gutter screens is that it allows stuff to grow. I cleaned out a ton of dirt, moss and sprouts—time to rethink that option. I took down most of them in advance of rain coming this week. I also took care of several action items while revising high-priority tasks. My clock is ticking on the leave. I want to exit it with a clear understanding of how to return to work, set and maintain boundaries, protect my position and ensure I have options If I cannot function. That is a lot. I want to walk at least 2 miles daily as Tom and Danice do. Like I used to do when walking Lauren part of the way to Leigh from Matson, those were great opportunities to carve out space. I will need that to be a top priority cone April. I need daily time for meditation, walking and healthy routines In mind and body. Jen hurt her back with all of the pickle Ball playing. We went on a nice evening walk tonight and will do more as the weather improves. Tonny got the certification needed for the possible nurse assistant job. We had a good talk about it. It's astounding how so much has improved.

Today was a good day. Every day "should be," but it was spot on in balance, harmony and awareness. Jen got up before me and managed the dogs, which was great because I was enjoying a deep slice of sleep at the moment, which is infrequent. I got up shortly after and jumped on the chance for some meditation time. I made a cappuccino using Coconut Milk that worked unexpectedly well. Tommy and Lauren were both home, and the dynamic has been healthy and positive. Tommy attended a nursing class while Lauren and I went with Jen to Menlo Park, where she met Marya to play Pickle Ball. Lauren and I got a good walk-in while they played, and when we returned, we managed stray balls and enjoyed their game. I'm going to give it a try. It'll be a good mild form of exercise, mild cardio, mild workout, mild stroke… the works. After the game, we all gathered at my mom's for Aqui takeout. 5 Adobo Chicken Cesars. Jen, Mom and I enjoyed the Field Recordings Rose, "Dom Arigato," with lunch, and there was good conversation and engagement. We returned to Panorama after stopping at GOBM, so I could grab some more of the 2018 "Cellar Saver" Malbec we discovered yesterday. Scottie had thrown up earlier and pooped in the house while we were gone. Something's up with him. His routine changing can throw him off, but I still wonder if there's anything else going on. I dropped Lauren at the train station and drove home very consciously, enjoying the drive in the Mini and very mindful of how much I appreciate the kids, Jen and the family and life we have. Jen was very much aligned with me on this point, and she loved the day and the support we showed her by going to her game. I'm getting better at being more present and in the moment and conscious of the limitations of life. That in itself is a double-edged sword. Life is much more enjoyable when you stay aware that it can all end at any time, which is also a depressing buzzkill for enjoyment. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The old soul coffee seems better today... Yet still "less than" what I am used to. I am facing a moral challenge: get more out of the good nature customer attention of the owner or accept that my choice in beans and asking that it be ground (not what I usually do) are my responsibility. It's not a question. Just the word "moral" itself conveys what should be the obvious answer. I have given in to the temptation to try and manipulate a situation and deflect responsibility in the past. Perhaps even with intent. What does that say about me? My character? My integrity. I won't ask for another batch of coffee. I don't want to be a source of cost or loss to a good person and business. I want to treat them the same way I would like to be treated; I'm not entitled to have someone else make good on my own mistake and be subject to replace coffee beans that I can "live with." It's my problem.

Lucky is on my lap as I write this, and my thought gravitates to his bottom lip being hurt due to our play with the basketball in the backyard. I bounced or rolled it to him, and he went full force into it. This is one of those instances where I feel bad for not having thought thru the risks before doing so, and now he's got a sore to contend with. Is it my fault? It is without intent or malice. It's not as if I kicked him out of anger and caused his suffering because of that, but I still feel bad for him. And I often wonder what they experience and feel in their consciousness. Does he remember how his lip got hurt still or exists with a dull pain yet- no recollection of its origin? What goes on in their heads? They both get upset by Jen's absence or excited when we return, but do they know each time one leaves that they will come back? Do they have a sense of past and future? Memories and anticipations? or are they merely living, constantly, in the present moment? I consciously aspire to live fully in the present moment. But without the broader knowledge of my history, desires and aspirations, would that have any value or impact? If I felt joy, then pain, then calm, then anxiety, then curiosity and so on, all just as it occurs without any reference point to why I feel that joy (playing), that pain (a hunt lip), that calm (a nap), that anxiety (owners go out) that curiosity [a car dries by)... if each moment is simply the present moment sans context, the experience, I assume, would not carry the significance of a conscious, constant frame of reference.

Our wine tasting last night was a hit. I learned a great deal from it that I will bring into the next one. I put a lot of effort into ensuring I needed to figure out which bottle was which. I wanted to "play along" with the rest of our guests. The takeaways are better forms for the process, copies for "dry" tasting, food pairing, dessert pairing, and a final total summary vote. The next time, we will have a bottle each attendee brings, so no one person knows all the wines until the end. The meal was a hit, as was the flourless torte I made. The sous-vide try-tip was too rare with 6 hours of cooking, so next time, we will target 5 or 6. we used the crystal wine glasses because I wanted the same baseline for all 6 of us. My glass's stem broke in half as I was lifting it. It was between pours, empty, and it did no damage to me, but part of me was happy about it. I am ready to move on to something new. These have served their purpose.

I invited Tommy to have breakfast this morning at L. G. cafe. The uptown one had a long wait, a surprise for a Saturday, but we got seated immediately downtown. He picked up the tab, which was not my desire or expectation. The waitress commented that she does that for her parents and what a pleasure it is to be able to do so. Tommy replied, "we only have so much time to do so, " which hit a nerve. His wounds run deep. and my days are, indeed, numbered. So I should enjoy the time and accept the transition to being old more gracefully. It's a very awkward position for me. And I feel like I'm being forced to face my age through this process.

Lauren and I visited Linda's grave and ran a few errands afterward. As we stood there looking at her headstone, I realized that today is February 18, while the date on her headstone is March 18. It's been 11 months since she died. What a year. What a couple of years. Next month, the week after that one year has passed, we will be heading to Catalina for a vacation we began planning well before her death, before her diagnosis, and before she took her last breath. Covid delayed it, all this happened in between, and it will come about on the heels of what was likely the most trying and traumatic two years of our lives. We all need it. I know I sure do.

Highlights: I had a long full productive day today. I started off early, up at a good time, attending to dogs, meditating and writing. My call with Denise was wonderful and helped me recognize Tommy's progress, the trauma-based origin of so many struggles he and we've endured. It's incredible that we've come through all of that and landed where we are today. Lauren's home to visit and staying with Elisa tonight. Mark, Wendy, Kelly and Velma came for dinner and a blind wine tasting which was a blast. We really love all of our friends and the options we have to engage on so many levels. It's genuine, and that's a gift.

Highlights: A restless night. Limited sleep. Icblame the iced coffee around 5 pm yesterday. But I was mindful enough as I tossed and turned to not see it as a permanent state. I am proud of that. It validates that I am getting better about not letting monetary and temporary setbacks be interpreted as permanent. in either event, I still got up and out the door, and up the hill to the Zen center in time for 7 am "Zazen'. Hogan and Amanda were there as was "Luke" and a couple I had not met and who were departing that morning. I imagine the staff has quite a routine rotation of visitors and guests. I had a good conversation with Luke as he made breakfast. He talked about his 2- years of exposure to Zen practice & how it resonated for him after his mom passed from breast cancer a few years back. I gave Amanda my donation and matching form for care2. I arranged to stay next week, Sunday through Friday if not thru the following Sunday. I will use that time to do some very focused writing. Between now and then, though, I want to make the most of the time I have left, but I am faltering. I think the best idea is to pursue clients and a business around death and dying readiness. But that is not something I can spin up easily, and I have a good deal of up-front work ahead. GNO was fun. I started on the patio but had to move inside towards the end. It was getting too cold. I am hoping to have a good deep sleep tonight. I could use one. Lauren comes home tomorrow for the weekend, and we will have a family dinner on Saturday. It's still hard to believe all that has gone on this past couple of years and how we, as a family unit, have managed to work through so much. I am conscious and grateful that I can write that at all.

Highlights: Up early with/because of dogs being up early with/because of Jennifer being up early… and so it goes. Coffee with J.S. Kaiser appt went well and tomorrow is the group orientation. Savers & Costco with Jen. Stuffed peppers for dinner, great conversation discussing how amazing so many aspects of how our coming to be where we are and how things have and continue falling into place is validating. Speaking of falling into place, Tommy bought a poster of Catalina when we were there last week. He needed a frame for it. Jen and I stopped at Goodwill about 2.5 miles away from my mom's on the way to visit her. I found a dated but good-condition frame, the proper size for his poster, and bought it. When we got home, I had to remove the sealed paper backing to access and remove the matted print before cleaning the glass and inserting Tommy's new poster. There was a taped tear-strip remanent of what looks like a work-order tag or receipt for the original item being matted and framed. It's from a place called "Canoga Park Stationers", in Canoga Park. It has since closed and is now a Pizza place. It's 2.5 miles from my childhood home on Friar St in Woodland Hills. What are the odds?

• Secured the Hamilton Cove rental for less than $400/night in total. 
• Continued conversation with Jikoji I via email about getting more involved, 'I feel good about doing so. 
• Jen and I visited my mom for about an hour, She seems to be doing well.. For 84, of course. 
• Steak dinner, with Tommy joining us! 
• "cardmania" was good but at end Teri's neighbor called to report that Nick had a seizure. 
• Matt & I I may go see Springsteen on 3/5 if we can coordinate it.

What an incredible day. So many things were falling into place. So many things to feel positive, blessed and fortunate to have. Last night was modestly challenging. I abstained from drinking, whereas Jen & Ben and Jess (to a lesser degree) enjoyed some wine. It was a challenge, but I am proud of my effort and commitment. It has to be "important enough'' to succeed at anything I aspire to, including denying myself the impulse to imbibe. I felt a bit out of the loop. Ten got quite drunk. It's the white wine's sugars. 

Jen managed to get up at 4:30 for her class. I "3,2, I 'd" my way out of bed at 5:40. It took two attempts, but I managed to get in the car by 6: co and to Ji koji by 6: 50. 40 min at a reasonable pace. I arrived in time to hear the knocking of wooden notice, find my way into the dojo, take a position facing the wood and rice-paper sliding doors, and settle in. 

I would love to share having sat in complete mental stillness, but that would be inaccurate. It wasn't easy to still my racing mind as usual. I managed to get several short bursts of stalls between the chaos of thoughts being constrained. 

It was a pleasure to feel recognized, remembered and welcomed back by Michael, Amanda and Nick. A new face, Luke, a 27-year-old' 'kid" from Boulder that may be a resident for a month. 

I was invited to stay for breakfast. I asked if I could help, which was accepted. Part of what makes this click for me is a sense of equity across the board. Michael, a core component of Zot years, cooks and cleans alongside me. 

At breakfast, I shared how the time I spent helped me open to Tommy's offer to accompany him to Catalina and all the positive things doing so has generated. I also talked to Michael and Amanda about getting involved in the Sanga as a way of investing in this community. They are open and interested in my helping with communication and weekly newsletters. I said I wanted to ease in and not over-commit but would return later this week to continue the conversation.

After leaving, I reached out to Tommy, and he met me at Madrona. I am very interested in his well-being and managing all the emotions I believe he has about his mom, but I don't press him about this. I expect he will open up when he's ready. So much of the time was silence or surface conversation about the day ahead. 

Mark texted me about meeting for coffee, and we did so for at least an hour or more. I shared stories about the Catalina trip and our 2023 plans. I returned to Pano and finished cleaning up and setting up the outdoor seating and fire pit. The weather was sunny, warm and inspiring. 

It turns out that Lauren's "spring break" falls in the same window of time that Tommy, Jen and I were targeting for a 2nd Catalina trip! And in short order, we locked into and booked flights. I am in parallel contact with ' 'Sho" from the Catalina Express ferry regarding her Hamilton Cove rental. It's perfect for our trip, 

I am so grateful, almost to the point of tears, to have options and opportunities opening up for us. To have met ' 'Sho'! Jen's easy-going willingness to make this trip happen, her friend being available to dog/house set, Lauren being on board as well... it's all just working out naturally and in our favor. 

The night concluded with "dinner and a movie" at the prune yard with Jon, Cheryl, and another couple of friends of theirs, the Parkers. The movie was "CHOCOLAT," the dinner consisted of a seafood appetizer, braised ribs and cookies with hot chocolate for dinner. It was fun, and the food was delicious. I managed to stick to my plan and enjoy but not overindulge, but I would not be too surprised to find my weight nudged up.

The epilogue for this day is that there appears to be another plumbing issue. Gurgling toilets yesterday and the day before gave way to a backup in the bathtub. This is a recurring problem, and I need help understanding what's happening. My efforts last year to clean the roof pipes out did nothing. I ended up spending $ to make the sewer piping accessible, but it's not clear to me that this is related. I checked over the weekend and found no smoking gun. I will have to call a plumber tomorrow morning,

It's hard for me to take a leap of faith with our financial circumstances and not worry about these ' 'sudden need" situations popping up. Taking vacations and spending money on pleasure before a plumbing issue surfaces feels precarious. I will relax and approach it all as being Mana gable. ' ' '

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MLIM - AJA

This is one of many posts to come, fulfilling a long-held desire to document just what it is and/or was about a specific selection of music and a time in my life that resonates deeply within me to this very day. I’ve always felt a strong connection to music over the decades, as I suspect most of us do, particularly how we each have select moments and memories that frequently align with select notes and chords. I’ll call this series “My Life, In Music".

AJA

Reflecting on my youth, when music was a complete obsession, Aja was an epiphany. It was an awakening. Dawn of a new range of music and a lesson in establishing and maintaining an open ear to new frontiers. My cousin, Jeri, metaphorically "slapped "me out of the narrow corridor of Beatles-influenced rock with Aja in one hand and Chuck Mangione in the other. I was walking down safely lit streets and familiar paths until that point. The jazz-influenced tones and rhythms of this Fagen/Becker release,.. in their catalog of progressively evolving recordings, struck a chord for me from the opening tracks of "Deacon Blues" to the closing notes of “Josie."I was no stranger to Steely Dan or a few tracks on the record. I bought the single "Peg" and played it repeatedly for weeks. But "Peg" was more commercial than the rest of the record. The album's inner sleeve notes capture the body of work as a broad, deep dive into an improvisational range of jazz fusion that sets a new tone for the band and the artistry of the performers,

My taste was driven heavily by rock radio. Weened by the Beatles, I found paths into pop and rock with E L O, Foreigner, Fleetwood Mac, and Boston... all still heavy guitar-driven rhythm bands. Aja brought jazz, true and improvisation jazz, to light, which I had no appreciation for before. The title track alone, melodic, fluid, layered and freeform in a manner that brings to mind a feather floating about in a steady gentle wind, was and remains a continuously new and vibrant experience. The instrument's consistently dynamic evolving unison is the epitome of jazz “ Aja” is a masterpiece. And through this gateway, I found paths to Miles, Coltrane, Metheny, and even performers like Bob James, Al Jarreau and George Benson became more accessible due to the range of possibilities Aja exposed me to.

Part of my admiration lies in the range of tracks on this release. This is one of many times my influences were broadened by a record whose content was more extensive than the one or two hit songs that brought me to listen. "Peg" and 'Josie'' were the lead-ins that put the album in my possession, but once placed at the start, the needle's momentum forced my hand (or my ears, in this case) to allow the rest to settle into my heart, quietly. I still recall how, like a few other masterpieces, the close of side one would come as a kind of surprise; the music would have become a part of a more profound experience for me. Transporting. Transfixing. Immersive, subconsciously, so that the conclusion of it felt like "coming to" a moment of present awareness that the music had supplanted for about 22.5 minutes.

Like many of us, I smoked my share of pot in my youth. And in that altered and enhanced state of awareness, every note, every instrument, every combination at sonic overlap felt vividly enhanced, and every nuance and detail seemed to be richly amplified. For me, a recording that can deliver that degree of artistry and experience right out of the box (sleeve) without the need for anything supplemental to bring its genius to the surface is rare and qualifies its place amongst the most lauded of influential recordings. Aja is that for me.

Today was a rather busy day. Jonathon intuitively commented that I certainly have a full schedule for somebody on a leave of absence. Spot on observation. My reply was honest: I have trouble saying "no" and have issues with being alone. Thus, I fill the time instead of using it how I should and would be well served. Being alone and just "being'! It's all about habits and routines. The time adjusting to the isolation at the Zen center was revealing. I wanted to bail on day one, yet I was more at home and enjoying the solitude by day four.  My aspiration should be to achieve that end goal. Yet my friendships matter, too. On his initial stretch of extended time off, my friend may benefit from the comradery of our shared insights over lunch. My too-long delayed lunch with Jack is nothing I want to defer either. Hearing from John G. about the Bono book with the desire to sync up and catch up would be a rewarding use of my time. Lauren's return for a single-day dental follow-up is non-negotiable. That's my week so far. I'm already aware that I am over-committed. Yet that is a good thing... meaning that I recognize it. I'm aware. Maybe not as proactively, but still... I see it, and I know the impact and cost. Lunch was good. We are both facing some similar challenges and experiences. This stuff tends to build up over time, and I strongly suspect we are at the forefront of an onslaught. Like-minded people are getting close to raising their hands and saying, "time out. "I'd like to continue to meet up. To keep each other focused on goals and ways to manage transitions. I took the mini cooper to get Laven from the train station. Top-down, of course! I could tell she enjoyed seeing lucky and Tommy and Jen before we took her to the dental appointment. It ended up being unnecessary. They determined that all was well and that no further adjustments were needed. That sounded like a waste of time, but she seemed fine with the break from the school routine, so, all good.

Every parent is their kid's burden, frustration, embarrassment or just "an asshole" at some point in their life. My intention is that I don't stay in that place for either of mine for long.

Our day yesterday went much better for Scottie. He had more diarrhea around 1 AM, and again before breakfast. Come to think of it he had more also at "Calerous" winery. That did seem to be the last of it. I associate it to being away from home, anxious and stressed. We will see what today brings. The day's wine tastings yesterday were fun. We joined the ' 'Calerous" wine club. IMHO the wines here are all generally way over-priced but the property and food at this one made it a place we will enjoy returning to. The "McPrice/Meyer" wines were also very good (and expensive). I am trying to let this be as carefree of a vacation as possible. It is our anniversary, after all, and it's also likely to be our last trip for some time. I will need to figure out what key steps I will need to take this coming month in order to ensure we can make ends meet with less income. The evening was very low key. The wine made me sleepy. Today we are supposed to meet Lisa, the Airbnb owner who is in real estate, to learn more about the area, and get some insight into the rental market and options. Beyond that we have no plans other than to work on ou respective projects and enjoy a quiet day.