Highlights: we had a relaxing lunch at Parrish winery yesterday and at Justin Hope in the afternoon. Scottie has been sick or hurt of dramatically off since Sunday night resulting in fragmented sleep. Jen had her first fashion class Monday 5am and loved the iPad experience. My time has been spent more distracted by the remarkable tablet, which was a concern when getting it, but I feel like I am getting my balance today to attend to highly priority needs.

Accomplishments: I managed to resist the temptation of wine and sweets in the evening. I had a wave of irritation overcome me Monday am re the dogs and interruptions but I recovered well including Scottie needing to get up and out at 1am in the cold night air.

Anticipation: coffee this am, opening shades, maybe some patio time if warm enough. Lunch at Calcarious should be wonderful.

Goals: outline my plan for Feb re work and mental health. Set milestones and dependencies.

Gratitudes: that I can take this break at all.

One Sentence Summary: staying consistent and conscious of my fleeting time and influence is the best way for me to live in the present.

This is a test of sw update 3. 1. 

my main interest is being able to convert and email the converted text. 

Lets see what happens 

I still need to re-process the final post by scripting the removal of the ad and fixing the subject append. I can do that using a shortcut. 

It's still work.. Nsecessary? Or do i bail and return to a keyboard?

 My inner dialogues are shouting matches.

Highlights: Breakfast with Lauren at LG Cafe included an unexpectedly massive apple pancake with "hidden" bacon. Took her to her Dr. Kim follow-up on the implant foundation. Dinner with all four of us at Luna – PRICEY, though. Not sure I'll go there again. I've had better for as much or less.

Accomplishments: A Chase bank visit to 'decouple' myself from the kid's checking accounts this AM. I received an apparent confirmation of the Dublin hotel reservation, although I still want a certain verification. Mark/Wendy witnessed the Advanced Directives for the kids, which was a relief to finally get done. The idea of 'waiting' to do something you'll likely need the most when it's unexpected warrants getting it done before that point, which is an unknown.

Anticipation: Taking Lauren to Sac tomorrow will be sad but fun. It's wonderful having her home but just as important that she continue her path of independence.

Goals: I need to start mentally gearing up for the meditation retreat. It's coming up quickly.

Gratitudes: Seeing Tommy and Lauren interacting as adults and expecting they'll share a lifelong connection makes me grateful to witness but sad that their mom will not.

One Sentence Summary: I am formulating a plan for 2023 that should include some significant realignment of my goals and efforts to achieve them.

Tooth Hurty

It's been a routine joke for years, but tonight when I asked Lauren what time her dental appointment was tomorrow and she said "2:30", I paused to challenge and confirm it actually wasn't a joke response, which it was not.

Highlights: A 2nd "rough night" for Scottie. Instead of irritation I felt compassion and an increased awareness that his discomfort trumped my sleep patterns. In fact I think sleep patterns are something I need to revisit. With Jen's upcoming 5am class it's a good opportunity to start waking early and getting more time dedicated to more improvements. Jen and I met a man named Karim at Philz in Cupertino this AM after taking Scottie for a follow up shot, and he/I ended up discussing meditation and lifestyles and such topics. Jen later suggested he might make a good mentor and I may well pursue that. I liked his early am routine and the focus on taking time off every 3 months to put into yourself alone. Amen brother.

Accomplishments: Collaborated with Tommy on Dublin trip refinements – no car rental, Dublin hotel as home base, two day trips and two days in Dublin including 3/17. We're on the same page.

Anticipation: Notarizing trust and our advanced care directives tomorrow before GNO.

Goals: Maintain focus on weight loss.

Gratitudes: Tommy having dinner (Cheesesteaks) with us tonight and being more engaged as a family member.

One Sentence Summary: When I realize that I get nauseous and dizzy doing floor exercises or i recall the pain of Guilamme Barre, I wrestle with the concept of the mind and body being separate entities.

Highlights: Today was a pretty productive day. After our morning walk, we took Lauren to her next dental implant appointment and waited for her procedure to be completed. It was 'local' anesthesia and it seemed to take about 45-60min for completion. She's now just got to return for a brief checkup on Thurs and back in 4 weeks for a follow up to finalize their work and she's ready for the actual tooth implants. This is big stuff – she's been the driving force and once done the whole retainer thing's a piece of history. When we got back, Jen and I set about cleaning the carpet with Tommy's awesome help. He brought out the right cleaner and I setup the power washer and OMFG the change was incredible. I had forgotten that it came from France via their Grandmother, and they it went unused as far as I know, until we came into Panorama. It had decades of dirt and discoloration and seeing it in transition was rewarding. At one point I noticed how the power washer was cleaning the driveway and tried it on the aggregate, which led me to see what it'd do with the brinks in the side alley that were covered in slimy slippery moss. Of course it was a complete success on the first few bricks and by that point I was committed. It took a couple of hours but I tackled the entire alley, aggregate and cement siding with great results. I might take on the front aggregate and driveway tomorrow, if time allows.

Accomplishments: Definitely the rug and side alley cleaning. Also maintaining the garage's order.

Anticipation: There's only a vet trip for shots for Scottie on the calendar tomorrow. I'm looking forward to a wide open space to get some goals met.

Goals: Book the time for Karen O to notarize some docs, get them lined up and ready, tackle any other "high priority" tasks for the day (calls, etc).

Gratitudes: It was a good balanced day, with positive interactions and laughter and bonding between all 4 of us. Tommy wasn't a around a lot but when he was it was good.

One Sentence Summary: My life long dream of a simple life and simple pleasure feels more realistic than I thought it could.

In hindsight, taking time to deal with an emotional challenging year filled with loss, stress, and anxiety... while dealing with the EDD process... seems counter productive.

I've been rethinking the daily journal cadence and I'm going to try something that was inspired by something I listened to about Stoicism. I want to try writing in the mornings. My PM habit was based in part o the time I had each morning but for the moment hat's managed better. I like the idea of starting the day with a reflection on what I want my focus and goal to be, perhaps in a way, reinforcing a desired behavior or action. Let's see how it goes.

Highlights: The last few days have been a blend of outings and home activities while Lauren's home. Tommy returned from Tahoe last night in a good mood and I'm maintaining a positive and not judgemental mindset.

Accomplishments: Finished the garage work, including creating what I call "Tommy Island", a standalone set of two shelves of his stuff. He put his ski gear there when he returned without my mentioning it, which was a thrill. I fixed the sticking door in the back and the garage door seal. I've continued reading the Daily Stoic while listening to other content via Podcasts, Libby and Audible.

Anticipation: Lauren's surgery going smoothly today.

Goals: I'm fasting today since Lauren's dental work takes place and it's a good time to do so. I'm 17lbs over my baseline, which is aggressive, but it's where I want to be. I have work to do and need to get back 'on the plan'.

Gratitudes: So many things come to mind – the break from working is a massive help, so I'll say that.

One Sentence Summary: The more I consciously acknowledge how every day is a gift, the more I reflect on the opportunities missed or lost to have done so sooner.

Highlights: Scottie was up all night, and I found myself outside with him twice while he meandered and sniffed and ate grass but never pooped. I was getting so angry. Irrationally angry. Like, it's our dog, and I love him, he's not feeling well, something's wrong, and I'm pissed off? I need to explore that more. It's not sane. Tommy's drive to Tahoe took over 8hrs due to the weather. But he said it was a good ski day today, which is nice. Lauren Jen and I saw "The Whale." I was impressed with the performance of Brandon Frasier, but the rest of the movie left me feeling like it was overdramatized, and the lead character didn't have the 'edge' I would have expected. We had lunch at Maggianos, and we discussed it in depth. The rains bring about a lot of maintenance needs – swollen doors, wet thresholds, and poor door seals. It's been years since I lived here, and this is my "first winter back," so there's a lot of catch-up work to do.

Accomplishments: Lauren helped me work further on the garage door seal, including taking it off and feeding through a vinyl pipe to maintain pressure. It was frustrating because I lacked the tools I needed, but I eventually found them. I was blaming Tommy, but that's not fair, it turned out what I needed wasn't in my suite of usual tools. In the end, I think I have it 90% resolved, and, if need be, a minor adjustment tomorrow will finalize the repairs.

Anticipation: Tomorrow's supposed to be excellent in the morning, so maybe we can take the dogs to Alice's early morning.

Goals: I need to focus on myself right now, and I'm not doing it enough. I am in 'response' mode to others' needs. I struggle to balance that but need to draw some firm lines.

Gratitudes: Scottie made it obvious tonight that he needed to go out after I was in bed, and I was tuned in enough to let him go out front and do his business. He's a good dog, and this time, it's not 4 am.

Highlights: Week 1, Day 7 of my leave. I found something I wrote in April that really foreshadowed this happening. The overwhelming nature of so many things going on at once. The recent tensions between Tommy and I have seemingly settled into a reasonable agreeable situation. I'm hoping it stays this way but I'm cautious too. Lauren and I took the mini out for a top-down-cruise up to skyline and it was a tad chilly but beautiful out nonetheless, and the forecast is such that this was the day to do so. Visited my mom with Happy Hound burgers and a bottle of wine. I brought my own meal (keto) and sans a couple tasting sips, my mom and Jen dusted the bottle off and had a good time doing so. The dogs came along and Lucky was a basket case over the appearance of a raccoon on the patio.

Accomplishments: Progress on the garage, and verification of my leave status with EDD.

Anticipation: Rainy day tomorrow working further on the garage, hopefully for the final major pieces.

Goals: Continue the focus on keto/PSMF.

Gratitudes: The opportunity to focus on my mental health without constant stress for a chance.

One Sentence Summary: "Every day is the best of times when we factor in that the time we have will someday run out.

FOMO MOFO

I went to Jikoji Zen Center again today. This was my second visit. This time it was for a full day. "Zazenkai." This was far more engaging than my previous visit. Maybe I'm more open to it, more gullible, or a little of both. Time will tell. I am excited to come up here and spend some meditative solo time on the beautiful grounds, enjoying the facility and the opportunity to do some thoughtful introspection, reading and writing.

Highlights: Back from a short Vegas hop. Had a blast with Lauren, going to Mon Ami Gabi, seeing "KA" and just hanging out. Monday at Valley of Fire w/Jen was incredible and we want to return. Took her to "craftsteak" for an amazing meal and KA but she was wiped out and struggling to stay away. We returned early today because it was too much to push for OmegaMart and we'll return another time. Aqui lunch with Tommy and Lauren. Frustrating evening dealing with Coffee maker on the fritz. Gave up on repair efforts and ordered a replacement. Working my way through some reading including "The Daily Stoic" and other articles I'm getting sent to my Kindle now.

Highlights: Jikoji "Zazenkai" session from 8.30-4. "A Taste of China"'s last night was tonight so I got takeout and enjoyed with Jen, Lauren, Tommy. There was a momentary 'face palm' over peanuts in the salad, but he was fine.

Accomplishments: I reached out to Tommy to propose a photography trip to Yosemite in an effort to find and leverage a shared passion as a way we might reconnect.

Anticipation: Vegas with Lauren tomorrow! I am looking forward to her seeing KA! It's a short trip but it will be a lasting memory.

Goals: Enjoy Vegas without getting caught up in anxiety about the costs – most if it's "Black Friday" deals so I can relax and enjoy a nice meal.

Gratitudes: Tommy's opening up about his day-trading revenue ideas, including moving out. I told him I thought it would help our long-term relationship once he gets out and starts living independently.

One Sentence Memoir: I am optimistic about a very uncertain future.

Oh, and today I learned how very challenging it could be to stop the mind from thinking about everything but the present moment. And that I'm not at all alone.

Highlights: Lauren joined me for a session with Denise. She was nervous but did share things that I thought were helpful. Before we went, she threw out the idea that we go to Monterey. I was initially not into the idea but warmed up to it given the break in the weather and the opportunity. I suggested we include Tommy. She asked, and he declined. She asked again, and he said no. As we were getting in the car, she pressed him, and he agreed. It actually went well. I thanked Lauren later for staying on it. He wasn't hugely engaged, but it was still a family trip after a tense week that I felt positive about doing. We went to Phil's new location in Castroville, the Aquarium, then Fishermans Grotto for the good stuff…! The dogs were alone 11-5 and did really well - no accidents, constrained to the kitchen. Jen and Lauren watched "Daddy's Home 2" and I worked on getting things coordinated for our flights and Vegas weekend.

Ninja Hindsight

I have wicked Ninja hindsight.

Highlights: I woke and found clothes of Tommy were left in the bathroom and put them in his room. I texted him about not doing so while acknowledging the apparent improvement in the car volume. He later said the clothes were there in prep for a shower. I know it's just a justification. Jen and I made an AM visit to Rachel at Chase Bank to move all account beneficiaries to our Trust, and I updated the trust accordingly. Now we need to sign and notarize. I had a good lunch with Marlin at Aqui, where I passed a 2017 Martin Ranch Malbec his way. I'm optimistic that I'll have a position to return to, but I remain unsure about what I want to take back on or not. Time will tell. I found out my court filings are ready for pick up so I need to go do that tomorrow. That was FAST. I don't know if that means they quickly approved or quickly dismissed. I know there'll be a court date attached too which may impact my plans for meditations and other retreats. I'll go get it tomorrow. I noticed that Tommy went to his mom's grave today and was there for quite a while. It's interesting that he'd go there after some of our recent conversations and I can't help but wonder what's going on for him. It's hard that we have zero connection or open conversations about his feelings, that might make a huge difference but I can't force it. When talking to my mom about my setting him straight about living with us I said he ""Objected, deflected, but never reflected" on his role getting to this point. I have a lot of thoughts about this but want to focus them in more depth elsewhere. Today was "day 1" of my FMLA and I focused on ensuring all the T's and I's were dotted and crossed but not in that order. I'm pretty sure it's all aligned and done but when it comes to ensuring I have finances aligned I'm checking thrice. GNO was at Blue Line pizza in Campbell tonight. My go-to is the "Bacon & Blue" salad. I was telling Marlin at lunch about this group and about recently 'crossing streams' as well as wanting to establish a "care2 men's group" of former/current colleagues to maintain a routine connection and friendship. What Jess, Brian and Johnathon and I have maintained is rewarding and I want to extend that in 2023 and broaden the influencers in my life. The GNO was fun but mid-way through Life360 alerted me to Tommy driving 101mph on hwy 17. It ruined my night. I was trying to stay focused but after all that's happened and his commitment to driving safe, this was a slap in the face and a challenge. I came home and told Jen and went in my room just as Tommy came into the house. Moments later I heard Jen's raised voice and went to see what was going on. I stayed quiet at first and let her talk out her anger and frustration with him, in tears. The conversations continued to a point that I interjected and, resisting the urge to pick up and pummel him with a chair, I remember my notes and stuck to my idea of asking what he would want in a home life. It opened a conversation, sort of, that concluded on what I thought was a positive note. Time will tell. I think he is mentally incapable of not continuing to argue. It's always somebody else. It's deflection and objection, but never reflection. And out of the whole thing, even though I think we reached what in a normal conversation would be a common ground and chance to close and work forward, he maintained or reinitiated a need to continue. It's total ODD and dysfunctional. For now we are hopefully at a better foundation. I don't have much faith that it will last. It never does. Come to think of it, maybe it never does BECAUSE it's his dysfunction and need for the arguments to be happening. I don't know right now. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Highlights: Full-on hard-core confrontation with Tommy and kicking him out. It was hard, but I was dead set on drawing the firm hard line because the damage was done, and he needed to leave. He deflected and lamented and was cruel and indignant. It fell on deaf ears. I do feel bad that I failed to emphasize that it's not about love or him being my son but that he's turned into an unpleasant presence, aggressively offensive, and heartlessly cruel. I told him this all directly. When he said he'd have no relationship with me if I kicked him out, I said that's his choice, not mine. He was his typically unyielding self and pressed on every angle and tope for over an hour. It isn't easy to remain calm when you keep repeating the same thing. I was shaken and crushed by the whole exchange. I had to assert repeatedly that I'd need time to consider the next steps once he conceded to address the noise of his car and install "Life360" and NOT speed. Of course, I know that's going to happen, but I want the ability to monitor how often and how excessively because I am not OK with the risks to his life or others. Later he messaged me that he was going to sell the car and that our relationship was more important, and I broke down in tears reading it in front of Lauren and Jen. However, about an hour later, when he returned, he glared at me with anger and resentment and told his sister to "fuck off" when she was worried about him as he choked mildly on a piece of bread. That's foul language and inconsideration … the 1st two rules. I need time to decide what's next. Today was my "last day" at care2 before my FMLA, and I'm already feeling off-balance. Denise was right; it will take weeks to adapt to being out of such a life-long routine. And the people, too, are people I've shared so much with for so long. It'll be weird to "go dark," but I am doing so with a mindset of healing from the past few years, the struggles at home with Tommy, and the demands of a high-pressure workload. I entered this skeptically but concede that a break is essential. I could not continue this way for much longer. Getting Tommy out of the house would be a win/loss scenario – I can't not love my son, but I don't like him. It's hard to accept that no change might occur, but I have to. In the meantime, having the options lined up for a restraining order, forced removal, and making it clear those are in place for immediate and irrevocable exercise might be enough to allow at least me to focus on my needs for a while. Still, I'm ready to have him go live his life, and maybe that's the only option that might turn the tide in years to come.

File Under "Restraint"

The last place I ever imagined I'd be, again, ever, in my lifetime, is the Santa Clara Family Justice Center. After multiple visits to endure the surreal experiences of my divorce hearings, it's been blocked and banished from my conscious thoughts, just like that camping trip with Uncle Milton when I was eight. It's too painful to recall. Yet, today, the echoes of Linda's visceral wailing and sobbing in the open atrium between hearings as I sat out of view wondering what that odd sound was, back in 2018, (yes, that literally did happen), returned as a hauntingly distant echo when I returned today, almost three years to the date of our divorce decree, less than one year from the moment she gasped her final breath as her daughter and son and I gently held and kissed her goodbye, so I could a restraining order against that same child. Our son. 

How fucked up is that?

Pausing Thought

I'm going to take a break from publishing daily journal entries for a while. I'll likely still journal but not publish. I want to put some time into other tasks and needs while taking a break from work and focusing on myself.

Highlights: Last-minute tickets on 12/30 for Festival of Lights via Craigslist – Jen Lauren Dogs and I went. Dogs were 'transfixed,' and it was a pleasant surprise. Tommy's been in Tahoe, and I've been focused on evolving my perspective regarding all the problems through the years, primarily to decide what I will do about it. I've labored to create a new set of house rules that indicate how things will go if boundaries are not respected and tossed it over the fence this evening. It's been poorly received, as sadly expected, and the hard truth may be that I follow through on the consequences and move him out. I'm ready to do so, which is a first, and I feel more 'aware' and 'empowered' than I have felt before. I realized I like me more than I like him. I don't know what the week ahead will bring, but it could be tense and dramatic. So much will rely on the next 24hrs. Jen and Lauren, and I played Vertellis as an annual tradition. It was split over NYE and NYD. Our NYE gathering was smaller than expected and in part due to my mom's covid and my exposure. We tested negative, but a few couples bowed out, and that was fine; it was still a pleasant evening. Lauren and I worked together to take down the house lights yesterday while Jen packed up the ornaments and decor. The fake tree worked perfectly – best decision ever.