If I'm honest, I shouldn't have scheduled the get together with Brent and Kim today. If I'm honest, I shirked a responsibility. There's really no where else to go without defending or justifying. I didn't choose to do better and a compromise became a dilution. I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it than anybody else. Once. home I was and remain viscerally happy to be here. in a space with so much history. Even what seemed bad at the time has not proven to be so in the long run. We got here. So, we had a great time with Brent and Kim, another of many couples we hope to spent more time with. Maybe I have been retreating inward when I really need to be doing the opposite. Later in the evening our trip to Wright station with Mark and Christy was another highlight. The heat throughout the day was unbearable.It gradually reduced after about half an hour. Happy Hound and conversation around the table with Tommy closed the evening. It felt great to be back home but it felt wrong to not honor the Zen Center commitment I had made. It's of the most conscious and present lessons I have experienced in a while, in a reflective, inner-thought manner. Like a 3 month check in on annual goals and progress. I will report "humility" back to my management team at our next review meeting.

Passing Thought : Swarm Embrace

While standing beside my car this morning, the mosquitoes descended on me like barflies to a lone woman ordering her second double-shot of Jack. I'd be curious to see what I look like through a thermal camera. I don't understand how others are not as bothered by it. I guess I'm just thin-skinned.

Night two at Jikoji is upon me, and it can not end soon enough! This is not to say that I have not found it a valuable and productive visit; quite to the contrary. I was doan this morning, which was another opportunity to practice the routine lighting incense and leading bows and prostrations. On more than one occasion, I was visibly grimacing and locking up out of uncertainty regarding my recollection and execution of the appropriate steps. Yet, after several weeks of absence, I still managed to hit that 80% mark. I will pay greater attention when online, as it is a role I enjoy being active in. The next to learn will be Doshi. Being here also allowed me to talk in more depth with Gerow, one of the residents here with a history going back some 20 years or so, back to a point in his life where he had to deal with the sudden illness and death of his 36-year-old son. That brings weight to my gut when writing and a tear to my eye when I imagine facing such a circumstance. It takes me back to the idea that, as good as things might be at any moment, appreciating them as transitory can make them richer while knowing the same uncertainty lies when the next big struggle or hardship might arise. Being equally prepared to accept anything as a random roll of the dice, even in the face of such personal loss, will be a challenge and a test of fortitude for me. Hopefully, nothing as dramatic will happen, yet loss and endings are inevitable regardless of how dramatic they might be. It was a sobering conversation to have had. It's well worth coming up for it alone. It was also because my presence here enabled Gerow the freedom to leave for the morning and the evening. Also, I finally unravelled some tech-knots related to 2FA that have been blockers with 3rd party services, and Tommy came up with food from Alice's. We had dinner together in the residents' kitchen. It was the coolest option available. You see, the positives surrounding this stay were overshadowed by two negatives that exacerbated and amplified one another: the heat and the bugs. The heat spiked dramatically, and none of the buildings have air conditioning. It was miserably stuffy and hot in the main building, the residents' kitchen, the guest rooms, all of it. Outside was far more bearable but for the bugs. I would have liked to have sat outside throughout the day. The desire that I'd do so was shared by the 17,219 mosquitoes that heard from 17 of their friends how my forearms, neck and back are the new hotspots for in-vein takeout. I had no place to go to enjoy the cooler, shaded woods and no comfort­able place to shelter inside. It only just occurred to me that I could have sat in my car, faced it toward the woods and been way more comfortable. Oh well. Lesson learned: don't come up in the summer. It's an amazing place to be for 9 of the 12 months of the year. Not right now. Maybe that is why everyone else is gone.

Write Speech

For at least a decade or two, I have tried on multiple occasions to write my posts using dictation tools. At least 20 years ago, I was doing so while living in El Dorado Hills. This goes back to the earliest days of an application called "Dragon Dictation."A good friend sent me an article today about advances in the technology and asked if I had tried any of them. I thought I would capture some of that here for posterity and as a reflection on the dramatic evolution of such capabilities alongside the angst I, along with other aspiring writers, share over leveraging anything other than our own hands to capture our own thoughts reflecting our own voice.

Set up the solar-powered fountain with Jen, whose desire to have something that might attract more winged visitors was matched by her diligence, ensuring it'd not do dual duty as a bee-killer. I think we found the right balance of rocks and water volume. Like so many things that pass through our daily experiences, these little moments are worth enjoying as they happen. We revisited our standing list of routine connections to balance the time we spend with family and friends; she invited a few of the most neglected or difficult-to-schedule couples. I am staying at Jikoji tonight through Saturday to help while some residents travel. There's only Gerow and me here. I'd be "Doan" tomorrow, which I need practice with anyway. I already spent several hours working to improve the Wi-Fi with very little substantial success, and there were quite a few unexpected difficulties with what should be simple options to set up. Tommy came up in the evening to say hi. I don't quite know why. He's not seemingly interested in Buddhism or me, so... why not enjoy the break from my annoying presence? It would be interesting to drop hair in here solo for a few days with Mike and Pamela and see what comes out of it.

Highlights: Tuesday with Lauren was great. We picked up and took my mom to HMB for lunch at the Mezalumna Cafe. It was all about the journey. The food was fine, but the point was and continues to be about getting her out of the house and seeing sights and familiar surroundings. I can tell that she enjoyed it, and of course, she liked seeing Lauren. Back at home, we enjoyed the steaks I'd sous-vide'd the prior day, and played card and dice games on the patio. Today, I met with Martin at Philz and enjoyed a long and engaging conversation. HYC coffee in the AM had 6 people, and I noticed that it can be overwhelming. At our Divine cheese pickup and dinner, Jen and I discussed friendships on the heels of the prompt from JG with an article about friendships and my subsequent response to the thread. It was a fruitful conversation that provided me with a lot of insight into some of the changes in my focus over the past year, along with my aspirations and what I may need to offer others when I am not focused on my own needs. I guess class is still in session and lessons continue to have pop quizzes. I went with my gut and saw "Blazing Saddles" at the theater as part of their "Throwback Cinema". It was fantastic! It was reasonably well-attended, and the picture and sound quality of the theatrical experience, along with the script, actors, and hilarious dialogue, made it worth the decision to go. It was more enjoyable than I had imagined, and the first time since 1974 that I'd seen it on "the Big Screen". Tommy came home in a good mood and apologized for the snark in the morning texts. The routine is getting old, my guard remains up, as is my awareness of intent and interpretation.

Highlights: Lauren's visit and impromptu lunch at Iguana's near the Grrst America train station. A brief drive through Lakewood Village (both sides of the tracts), including the house and park that have prominence in the book. (it felt like "field research") Yogurt land, "Karate-Carl" at Lucky's and attempting contact via a shopping cart return. Phase 10 and Skipbo. A mountain drive to "Don't Look Back". A late night scramble to accomidate last minute asks for the Jikoji newsletter, website and support for ongoing recurring weeding events (challenging).

Insights: Further recognition by L, J & I of this family we have built and how healthy things are. How much we have between us in the realm of acceptance and support. It's easy to be aware of it in the "good" times. The challenge is staying as aligned with all we have when the tides turn to loss, struggle or disappointment.

Highlights: Coffee with Jen on the Adirondacks; Punting attending a "Flashback Cinema" screening of "Blazing Saddles; Cindy M. coming to hang with Jen for several hours; swapping the Tesla charging cable to triage the power throttling issue; catching up with Matt C. after an ER visit for gallstones; 30m on the elliptical; a successful intermittent fasting cycle; helping Tommy study via flashcards for dense and complex medical questions.

I mentioned the lamenting of weight gain recently and with my birthday about six weeks away I am going to set forth a plan and a public declaration that will help maintain focus through saving face. My goal is to be in the 170's By 7/1. That's 14 lbs. It's aggressive, but doable. It just requires diligence and determination. I will start tracking my progress tomorrow morning. as of today it's 0/14. 0 down, 14 to go. Of course the chocolate chip cookie I bought this morning at the Farmers market was before making this declaration... so it does not count. Meanwhile the hummingbird feeders, they're now stragically positioned about the back yard in a pattern indended to obsure the view of the other two from any one of them. It's in hopes of curtailing the bulling of the dominate male. Which, by the indication of being in my 'bird watcher' phase of mental decline, I am clearly not. I also moved rugs and furniture about again, striving to have no space be unused for more than a handful of days. It's a bit of a rewind, but will be better aligned with the possibilities. We met up with Big Dogs and others at Matt's for a gathering. It was great to see and converse with all of them, and in particular, hearing Steve discuss the experience of writing. It was familiar. To have Dave voice a desire that people take action to defend democracy just after reading a similar historical reference in the Daily Stoic made me consider that I should do 'something', too. I ended the night taking a moment to enjoy the new seating arrangement and the night sky with some headphones and music. It was poetic and insightful, inspiring and humbling. As was my witnessing the colorful red and orange layers leaving a miles~long trail in the night sky as a NASA rocket rentered the atmosphere on route to the Pacific Ocean. How amazing to have witnessed that. How wild to imagine that it's uniquness will likely be constrained to a generation. Changes over lifetimes are irrelevant to those born never knowing otherwise during their own. With all the space debris and amount of technology that will eventually descend, along with of course manned missioned returning more routinely, these will eventually warrant nothing more than uttering "wow" like we do at a rainbow or a shooting star.

Aqui's "Manhattan" swirl last night was the latest reminder that my system does not handle alcohol well. My occasional transgression might be better saved for a good meal and a glass of wine. However, social situations like last night's are the few exceptions I allow myself. Last night, while taking a few lingering odd 'n ends out to the trash bins already set out for morning pickup, a dog started barking at me. I immed­iately recognize it as Lucy or Abbey, one of the two dogs belonging to Tom and Danice, who live across and up the street. I walked towards her, and she continued to bark, keeping her distance as we approached their house. When I approached the front door from one side, the dog mirrored me from the other, and Tom came to the door. He let the dog in and thanked me. I asked how he was doing. Danice, Tom's wife, has been suffering from dementia for the past year or two, and we all (the neighbors) have tried to help at times when she has wandered out on occasion. I told him sincerely that we are just up the street if he ever needs anything. I can only imagine how challenging that must be, and I am grateful that, so far, my circumstances have not been as difficult. Or perhaps just challenging differently. Today was a day of "asks and tasks". Running a few errands, tackling some JZC work, and managing some financial stuff. Jen got a spur-of-the-moment invite to visit with Cathy S. up the street and had a great time doing so. It's wonderful to know that she has made friends with many people despite the circumstances that brought us together and brought us to this home. I touched on this last night: how this home has so much history that I have either blocked, forgotten, or simply lived through in a daze.

Highlights: For at least two years now, I wake, weigh myself, and lament the 20+ delta between reality and desire, while only briefly holding onto intention and resolve. It would be comical if not for the tragedy, yet the obsession and drive itself is born from insecurity as much as from the simple I desire to be healthy, fit, agile and energetic. My effort to live device-less, mostly-kinda, is working out so far. My watch was able to open and start my car. It allowed me to pay for my coffee at Starbucks with my Starbucks account. What other ways might I reclaim my attention? I seek to enrich myself every day by releasing my grip on the obstacles that pull me so habitually into a screen, a task, a challenge, or a puzzle to solve that will likely never reclaim the time invested in its creation, refinement, maintenance, and, of course, the endless expansion of features and capabilities. All as endless sunsets come and go alongside time with friends, in thought, and in gratitude. Coffee with Brian was enjoyable. It's been a real gift to have the free time to maintain connections outside of routine gatherings, which have been difficult to consistently attend. Lunch at Happy Hound with Tim was excellent, as was the chance to reconnect, as always. As a Los Gatos native, he has a similar attachment to that place. We discussed ailments, family, aging, and retirement. As seems to happen more and more these days. His pinball arcade is still thriving, despite a division and split with his partners. I may help out at an upcoming convention in July. Two hawks circle above me today as three ravens dive-bomb one of them. The other garnered no attention. Why? The evening concluded with a wonderful time spent at the Campbell Aqui, with Matt, Diana and Steve. What a fun and expansive experience to discuss, dissect, and explore the past, present, and future. 

Insights: Back at home, with headphones playing Dan Fogelberg, I was preparing for tomorrow and got swept up by Ghosts. Not the ethereal other-world idea of a spirit or presence. The Dan Fogelberg song, "Ghosts". I recalled the shadows of a chair beside the place where the railing ran, in the dining room. The corner upon which her brother lamented the ending of his second marriage, as I sat being silently judged by her, and myself as well, occurring just one week after Jennifer's solo visit, and similar assertions of discord at home were also made. I saw the kids learning to ride bikes in the backyard, then riding them down the street, and eventually into their adolescence. The patio space where an outdoor dining table sits now in place of the prior one upon which I would lay at night, lost in the sky's stars and satellites. Linda sleeping with the TV on, fatigued by the appeal of living in regret and heartache. Most of the moments that truly defined my life as a parent occurred in that space for almost one-third of my Life. So far.

Passing Thought : Brink of Obsolescence

An armored car sighting at Starbucks this morning made me wonder what they do anymore. Is cash still "a thing", enough so to warrant armed guards collecting and transporting satchels of coins and bills to the bank? At what inevitable point are they more costly than necessary?

Highlights: Lunch w/Matt, Matt & Brian @ BBQ PIT. Brief, due to my time constraint, but overall, great to have connected, and a follow-up will hopefully be happening next month. Did somebody say "Stromboli?". Jen and I enjoyed the patio as it hit 84° today. The evenings are stunning, but the bugs are always a deterrent. I have stalled on writing, but I hope to resume writing tonight. However, I put some time into a separate piece and learned something new about the remarkable.

Insights: It remains a challenge to avoid the sinkhole of distractions. My goal is to constrain tech time dramatically. My reliance on the tools bridges necessity and wanders into uselessness. Tomorrow is a day filled with just enough activity that I may be able to go all day with just my Apple Watch and remarkable.

I am writing this to a background soundtrack of Jennifer humming in the bathroom as she preps for bed. It's a joy to hear her and know how good this all has been. I took my mom out for a drive today as part of an effort to get her out of the house and to spend time focused on her and how this will come to a close, and won't be an option. I will be striving for weekly excursions and more time helping at her home. Quote for the day was "Have you ever tried to imagine a life without a creative mind?” I had not, until today, and the first word that came to mind was "Bland".

The day began with an off-schedule gathing for HYC in order to bid farewell to Laura before leaving today to return to Mt Vernon, Washington. We had the largest number of guests ever. Six. It was a grand gathering and her "parting comment" was a deeply sincere, reflective and honest expression of gratitude for her brother and his family and friends for all of the welcoming support through the death of her husband. I am grateful to have played a role in this. I read the first chapter of the book in full to Jennifer and she loved it. In a genuine way, not in a bias'd way. It was encouraging as hell. Chapter two is under way and shaping up. My adaptation of the "Bullet Journal" method is a bit more challenging than I thought, or maybe the challenge is in breaking old habits and turning to technology by default. Still, I am remaining focused and keeping on point. Maybe, like life, that's all we can or ever do … keep working at something not as an accomplish­ment but as an ongoing maintenance effort. Lauren heard back from Barbara and is feeling angry, justifiably, and what appears to be dismissive responses. Its hard to imaging how that might feel to her. I an so proud of her character. She said today that the "reveal" to her mom's family about her mom would take away from Linda's lifelong aspiration to have had a family. So true. How very astute, insightful and tender of her to give it that kind of consideration. Wow. she also commented how the term "adult" should be tied to emotional maturity and not to physical age. Then to close off the day it appears that a possible relationship may be stalling or pausing for Tommy. He's handling it quite well. I have only my dusty faded 70's-era recollections of the heartache and struggles with the early years of dating to relate to. That seems so long ago now, yet for him it's all happening. Now. Forty-five years of life experience has to start somewhere.

Passing Thought : Fixed Views

Passing Thought: Fixed points of view are often in need of repair.

It was pleasant to go out and about this morning, dropping of two orders of coffee to two different spots on the way to or returning from my mom's. She and I made plans to go for a drive and get out this week. All we do is go to appointments for her treatment or sit in her house. Like me, she is very comfortable in her home and enjoys the space. I get that, yet the time we have is limited and the change of scenery will do her good. Jen and I went to Peninsula Creamery and the Stanford Theatre with the Priests to see the 1963 film "Charade". It was great to see on the big screen and having forgotten much of it was all the more enjoyable. The fire pit, Opolo, Nick Cave and conversation closed the evening. Lauren shared having reached out to her Aunt Barbara and getting a delayed and somewhat evasive response. How sad it is to consider that decisions would be made through a filter of negative and controlling biased influences. The book keeps writing itself.

Highlights: It was an aggressive cleaning day, with some weeding and trimming, too. I also did some further book work and consolidation of parallel writing prompts on the reMarkable as a low-tech way to focus. We went to Niles to see "The Gold Rush", with Piano accompaniment on the 100th anniversary of its release (1925).

Insights: Tommy appears to be on the cusp of a relationship and wants Jen to meet her. Jen said it's like a dream come true. For her, it's one of many. I am on the sidelines, though. He fears my embarrassing him. I get the general nature of a parent introduction, yet at the same time, it's unwarranted. It reveals immaturity and a controlling, manipulative nature. Now where have I seen that before?

Playing The Odds Of Survival



Barring any significant political upheaval and resulting revolution, starting in June, I begin drawing on my Social Security. It's officially approved.

I have been enjoying listening to a lot of Nick Cave's catalog after the concert. It's a significant body of work, and vastly diverse. the raw emotional honesty is refreshing. I am still drafting the full outline of the book. It's a lot of work to sort and sequence things, but also rewarding, and emotionally taxing. I taked to my mom; Jen and I will go visit tomorrow. Every week I consider how lucky she's been with AML and she's still going strong. A time will come when I regret not being there more. or more patient and compassionate. I want to get ahead of that while it's even possible. Dinner at the Marini's with sister Laura, and Johnny, and Tommy. What a great family they strive and aspire to be. I wish I had been more in that space when they were young. Jen's gone to visit Christy for a bit. I love how many friends she has, and knowing that she loves it, too.

Barking Lot

Early '80's, Yosemite, Canon AE-1 with a 300mm zoom

Sitting outside in the morning on the Adirondack chairs, a lone whine and bark in the foothills echoed for about a minute before becoming a chorus of at least three or more overlapping participants. It continued steadily for several minutes. It had to be coyotes. I assumed they had perhaps cornered something that was fighting back or tree'd it. Gradually, one of the barks evolved into a whimper. It was hard to listen to. It could be someone's pet being attacked. It became both upsetting and intriguing enough that I abandoned my post and drove up the small road leading into the woods.

Nick Cave'd In Over Time

I recall there only being one part of the movie "Wings of Desire" that I didn't like when I first saw it back in 1987, and that was the club scenes with Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I found the music to be annoying and too "punk" for my taste. It broke and stalled the film's momentum. I also recall being told as a child by adults that, when rejecting something I didn't like, such as Tomatoes or Brussels Sprouts, my tastes would change over time as I developed a broader palate. It turns out they were right!

Highlights: HYC with Mark and special guest, Laura. Tommy stopped by as well. Laura is down through the weekend, and we will see her again on Friday night. I roasted coffee for JJG and me, including another pass at Decaf. Chapter two is taking shape, with lots of refinement to come. I have been inspired by some writing podcasts to set out some guidelines. I hope to map out more chapters and organize them before proceeding to avoid creating continuity issues. I am abandoning the "exitidy "domain and idea. My heart is not in the topic; it's in the awareness I found by confronting your mortality and how positively it can impact your life to do so. Jen and I had dinner with Jon and Cheryl at the BBQ Pit, the former 'burger pit' location on Blossom Hill. It was good, and we learned it is owned by the "Trailhead" BBQ guys in Morgan Hill. The night ended with a casual catch-up call with my old friend in Sacramento. We have a history back to the 7th grade. What a gift. We are going to plan some summer activities to revisit old memories and make new ones.

Insights: After a stretch of activity, things are slowing down again. Enough to return to writing; I am eager to do so. The weekend was wonderful, and the value of the experiences is tenfold the investment of time and energy. But my comfort of being late is found in the quieter moments of reflection, and in creating the narrative, I have a compulsion to complete it as soon as possible. This year, ideally. I love my family dearly and cherish all the time I have and spend with them, yet my choices may not always align with their interests in what to do, who to see, and where to go. I still find myself agreeing to things out of a sense of obligation or because of limited opportunities. Yet I am starting to push back. Disneyland, for example. Jen is coordinating a trip to Disneyland with her son, Tommy, Lauren, and her Brother. I don't have any interest in going at all. None. That's somewhat out of character for me, as I have substantial memories of a childhood spent there routinely while growing up in the local area. And numerous trips over the past 30 years, too. But I am so done. Barring the good fortune of being given an all-expenses-paid trip with their top-tier concierge service escort and line-jumping benefits, I'll pass. Like most large concert outings, it takes more out of me than I get in return. We are going to see Nick Cave tomorrow with Matt B., an exception I made and now regret, as the idea of driving into and through SF is already offsetting the potential awe of seeing a performer I admire, Tommy routinely proposes outings and trips that I would not want to have missed while also recognizing my diminishing revenue stream and the stack of goals I have going unaddressed. All of these factors correlate to not taking care of oneself first. I need to be selfish when prioritizing the "big rocks".

Worth The Effort

Regarding days, this one could be a perfect ending for the book. Were it a movie, all it would be missing was the closing credits and a song from the "Division" playlist.

Passing Thought : What A Dick

The men that aggressively drive muscle cars and monster trucks as if the rules of the road don't apply to them don't realize the resulting observation, "What A Dick", isn't a compliment.

Highlights: Saturday, while Jen was in Roseville, Mark and I went to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk via Roaring comp. It was an awesome scenic ride; I look forward to doing it with Jen and friends. Jen stayed in Roseville last night and picked up Lauren on her way home this morning. I stopped by Madronia on the way to my mom's, left flowers and reflected briefly on the years of efforts that went into Mother's Day with Linda and the kids. More on that another time. I went to see my mom and address a handful of computer issues she's been having. I pulled out many old and unused cords and cables while consolidating the necessary ones into a clearer and more accessible space. Jen returned with Lauren, games were played, she and I visited my mom a second time (for me), and lunch was take-out from Taco Bell at Jen's request. Tommy had plans and ran late, but as Jen does, she rolled gracefully with it. I would like better from him, but don't expect it. He is not there yet. I wasn't either. And we both know he loves and appreciates her. We gave her the gift as a family, and she was thrilled. The thoughts they wrote in her cards brought rewarding tears to my eyes. It does not get better than this. P.S.: Happy 6th anniversary, Scottie.

Insight: Last night, I was struck by the thought, or realization, that I am in between two places. I am present, but still have one foot on each side as I try to balance something that by nature can not be, no more than an ocean can stop having waves.

Highlights: Dog food production yielded 5 weeks + worth of inventory, even though that required running to get more meat due to my oversight when shopping a few days ago. It's not hard to do, but it's easiest done in bulk. Once a month (every 6 weeks) is enough. The weekly JZC meeting was brief and productive. Blending a couple of roasts was a surprise hit, and it gave me insight into alternative approaches for the next roast. An outdoor rug popped up on Craigslist, free, and close by. I jumped on it, brought it home, and put it in place as envisioned. The rug brings the patio together, Dude. On the way back with the carpet, I witnessed a Mini Cooper pull out into oncoming traffic and get struck by a gardening truck. They did their best to stop, and phone calls were already underway. I checked my dashcam footage at home and did not capture the actual impact. The mini was clearly at fault. It was a short-sighted move on their part. I wrote more for chapter two, but it is still foundational. Jen's mother's Day gift arrived, and I was able to intercept and hide it. Lauren confirmed coming back on Sunday morning with her and staying until Monday afternoon. This will be a nice day for Jen. It will be a nice day for all of us, as is every day with her.

Insights: It takes a lot of effort to stop living in the past or future. And on that rare occasion I achieve doing so, it's exhilarating, and fleeting. Just the act of writing this is peppered with the pulling of my attention away from the act, away from the intention of documenting this present thought about the present moment, and instead, wondering as I move the stylus across the page, who might read this. Will it resonate as aspirational or as self-indulgent? It's neither, yet both. For example, Mother's Day is Sunday, and my kids have made significant efforts to be present and expressive to Jennifer for all she has been and done for them. Given how this scenario would have been Linda's worst nightmare (right behind dying from a brain tumor, of course), it's a delicate path to navigate. The optimist in me, so much so that I really want to say "the realist in me", wants to believe Linda would be delighted for them to have the love, encouragement, and support Jen so freely gives. Why must it have ever been a competition? What more might anyone want for their children than what they have received? And would anybody want less out of resentment and spite? Even knowing they were dying? There's an awful lot to unpack in that chapter, and a lot to learn from, too.

Highlights: HYC bonus episode with w/Tommy joining mid-way through. The standing desk in the guest room works well for focused time, while the Adirondacks are good for writing and bullet journal efforts on the reMarkable. Chapter two is underway in an undulating manner of chaotic uncertainty. It's a word salad start. I dropped Mike's book off at the Los Altos Library before heading to Voyager to write. It was rather cool to stick the book in the return slot, sealed in a padded shipping envelope with no barcodes or other identifiers visible, and still have it recognized. I caught up with JJG for about an hour before snagging Mom for chemo day two. Traffic was surprisingly light enough that I got her to her appointment 10 minutes early. However, doing so only added 10 minutes to what would have been a 40-minute wait, as they were running behind. Oh well. Win some, lose some. Once I got her home, the traffic was back to a typical standstill, so I stood still, relatively, gourging myself on corn salsa and pita chips. Not a moment of strength or resolve, but again, win some…

Insights: It's a wonder to watch Tommy interact with others. I see sides of him surface that are not typically shown to me, for likely no other reasons beyond history, comfort, or habit. I recognize that I have been similar to my parents. I still have people in my life that I have a 'set persona' with based on years of experience, and find it slightly challenging to change gears from, say, routine interactions and expectations to deeper dives discussions and explorations of the sort of topics I might discuss around the zen center table over breakfast. It is as if we have 'roles' we play or get typecast in and habituated to. Shit, I still flinch if my brother quickly raises his arm near me, I have deep thought zen friends, techobabbling friends, fart 'n burp friends, yet they might not be comfortable should streams cross. I need to test that.

Every so often, far less than desired, I'll have a good solid night's sleep. The sort of sleep that waking from requires concerted effort. Last nights came close. Still, the morning sun's annual habit of rising earlier and earlier each day inspires my parallel behavior. I have routinely gone on record here as loving it, which I sincerely do, yet every so often it's a bit much. Such was this morning's case. Also, I am nearing 64. I should know better at my age not to walk outside in bare feet, yet I do so more often than not when taking the dogs out in the morning. As I stepped out this morning with scottie tucked under my right arm, something sharp and miniscule came under foot, briefly, before breakin the surface of my skin and embedding itself directly into an overly sensitive nerve. Holding the dog prevented me from hopping about and squealing like a stuck pig, so I limped instead, avoiding putting any pressure upon this painful point, until they were fed and back with Jen. Then, the dig commenced. I often reflect, when faced with a strategically placed sliver, an ingrown toenail or a puss filled pimple that surfaces right at the intersection of my lip and moustache line, on how hollywood's superheroes such as John McClain or Rambo can manage to run barefoot across broken glass or stitch open wounds with tree sap and a pine-needle, barely half way through the movie, without the slightest wince. Post-op, back on the patio in a pair of thick soled slippers, I glanced towards the round metal table outside our bedroom window, attracted by peripheral motion. I had placed a birds nest on that spot a few months ago, one I had found on the ground below the mulberry tree some six or more months prior. Perhaps as long as a year. I have set it out at various spots since first finding it, yet it kept blowing across the yard whenever the winds rose enough to do so. This latest placement included finding and including the most "egg- like" rock I could find amongst those placed about the french drain. It has held the nest in place until this morning, rather artistically, when a force far more focused and determined than a passing breeze saw fit to dismantle it. The motion that caught my attention was a small sparrow, aparently a "dark eyed Junco", it's beak filled with bits and pieces of twigs and strands of the nest as if harvested them for it's own summer home. Have at it. It'll circle back around, I am sure.

Tommy joined us for "HYC," along with Kelly. The new mugs look great - I am now settled on the design. Roasting coffee this morning was a bit frustrating; it took three tries to hit the mark of 12%. I followed my formula, and it did not reproduce the same result. The only variable is the room temperature. I got so caught up in this that I almost missed my dermatology appointment. They called. I rushed over, got a couple of spots, "zapped" and returned home. The ribeye steaks we got at Costco last night are all pre-seasoned and sealed for sous-vide at a later date. Monterey, BBQ and Buttery. Scottie looks and sees much better after testing the new grooming table arm. I finished consolidating the topics for the book from reminders, but I still need to go through drafts and notes. While more ideas keep surfacing, I realize I can't let things slow or stop the story from progressing. This is going to be a challenge. Jess and Bev came by to pick up the beans I had here for him, and we ended up hanging out and chatting for a while. It was a pleasant way to end a full and rewarding day.

Highlights: EARLY rise (4 am) to take Teri to SJC. Working on the book chapters and content. Dropping into JZC at lunch to see Mike and Pamela before they leave tomorrow for Milwalkie. Costco run with Ten for our 2-week BBBE plan. 25m on the elliptical while listening to a podcast about keto & cholesterol. Got a virtual tour of Lauren's new place. It looks nice. 

Insights: Having Jeri visit for a few days was worth the wait and inspiring on many levels. It made me grateful for the influence and insights she has given me throughout our lives. We have a close bond, and I like to think, hopefully, She has received as much value in return. Returning to my "usual" daily routine was both foreign and welcome. I still strive to manage more in the bullet journal than I do via other tech options. I feel a strong grip and traction with the book, and the gathing of the many touch­points is helping me begin to sequence things. It' 4 evolve of course. But it's happening, intuitively and organically.

Highlights: Tommy wanted to go to LG cafe for break­fast at 7:15, before the crowds. He'd just woken up, I'd been up and roasting beans for 30 min, and the ladies were still asleep. I was already toying with the idea of getting an order to go for them, so this worked well into my plan. We went, and everything went well. He even picked up the check. When we returned, they were up, and we had breakfast and made plans for the day. Roaring Camp to start. The weather was perfect for me. For Jen, it was too cold. We then meandered back through Felton, Ben Lomond and Boulder Creek. We stopped at Ancora Vino, and they enjoyed a tasting flight of a broad range of wonderful wines. I did well, somewhat, with a few tastes and a half-glass of a nice red to slowly nurse. We concluded the day with Aqui takeout at my mom's. It was a pleasant visit, with a few routine and repetitive negative comments and assertions of her "take no shit" approach to historical recollections. Revisionist much? Overall it was a great visit and a chance to connect with a dear and treasured family member.

Jennifer and I drove to SFO Friday night to pick up my cousin, Jeri. I am sure she has been mentioned in prior posts; she has always been someone I feel a connection with. Since childhood. She was returning from Hawaii to New York and planned her flight to stop for a brief visit before heading home Monday morning. As I had with Paula, her mom, she has an attachment to mine. This was and is seen as likely the last time she will see her. It sounds kind of "heavy," yet there is a light, genuinely loving, and positive human experience here. There's been no "deathbed conversations" (so far), just laughter and conversation. I know how it feels to say goodbye to someone, knowing that this will likely be a final one. Nobody talks about it • at the moment because of the stigma of acceptance and the awkwardness of raw emotions; it's all there. So maybe we should. Her plane arrived at 9 pm, and traffic on the 101 was awful. I should have taken the 280 to Half Moon Bay and then gone right on the 92. (Stuart? What are you doing here?) Once there, after more issues getting to the annuals, we managed to get her and return home. We opened a Gali Pinot, along with the latest Devine cheese box, and chatted around the fire pit well past midnight. Way past my bedtime, and the breach of my abstinence from alcohol, although moderate, f not modest as well, did not help me sleep. I got up and started writing and restructuring chapter one. The remarkable allows me to do so easily, with a cool feature that anchors annotations to text so they move along as you edit the text. We went to the nearby farm stand and saw Leona and others. We sat and conversed with a woman named Nanci, who has lived on Fairview Plaza for the past 14 years. The tiny street an ex girlfriend lived on, in two separate apartments. But not at once. It was a place I spend a good deal of time at for several years. Nanci has a counseling practice downtown. She also told us about a theatre troupe in Saratoga that she works with and gave us a flyer for an upcoming musical comedy which we plan to see. We returned home for a short time before heading out to Wright's Station. I did well on tasting and passing to Jennifer. The 2019 Semaphore is wonderful and I stopped to toast to Marlin, recalling that this way one of his favorite spots. I went out and retrieved my mom, with a stop at Andale for takeout. We visited for a couple hours and will go see her again tomorrow. I am greatly enjoying having her here. Almost as much as Jennifer is.

Perhaps the clearest indication that I am losing touch with reality comes from only realizing that I have been writing the month as "05" for the past month. For most if not all of April. That's a clear notch above "asks what day it is" on the dementia checklist. I departed Jikoji this morning at 7 AM, taking Tom Tolan to the airport before returning home. It felt good to be home, and it felt good to have been at Jikoji too. I hope to make it a more consistent place to be. When the bugs leave, and the weeds die off. I had a fresh cup of coffee and went about the day. Both dogs had been scheduled for the groomers at the same time. Concurring appointments. Jen came with me to help wrangle them into position and would return with me in two or three hours. "Summer buzz, head-to-tail, both dogs" was my direction. About two hours in, as we were waiting for the call, one came, but not the one expected. Scottie was having a bit of a breakdown, showing all sorts of "panic attack" level behavior. They said they would give him a break and try to resume, but if that fails, we will have to pick him up unfinished, which means he is half-done with the haircut. I felt bad thinking he had a harder time with it than expected. He's always been like this, only it has worsened and, in part, been enabled. Going back to his adoption photo, he's had issues. He's known trauma. He's seen some ugly shit go down, man. We got the "come get your dog" call about 10 minutes later. They were pretty kind about it. When I walked in after dropping Jen at the door, I found her holding him, and he seemed calm yet agitated. Jen had just gotten word earlier of a friend's having had their pair of aged and suffering dogs down, so the thought of her pup-pup coding on the table of grooming station #4 was all the more dramatic. He was fine, but he was also a lion. It appears the routine for the cut is to shave the body, tail and torso first, then the legs, and then the neck and head. Scottie's episode occurred between legs 3 and 4. We picked up a half-shaven dog with the full mane of a lion and one partially trimmed front leg. Lucky was entirely done, thankfully. Jen has often proposed this specific "lion" cut, wanting exactly what we picked up today without asking for it. I cleaned up the unfinished leg but agreed to leave the rest. Although I also ordered a grooming harness. I don't foresee another groomer attempt with him again. It's time I learn the art of the home-cut. I already do it for myself. I re-read chapter one back home, and the most inspirational thing happened. That moment of beginning to refine and improve came from all of the thoughts and visions coming into alignment on the page. I started to, metaphorically speaking, walk around and examine a work of art forming on the canvas as it comes together through brush strokes over an initial artistic pencil sketch. I see it taking the form I wanted it to hold. I will be working on it further after Jeri's visit this weekend. GNO was at the Yardhouse. It's not my favorite place, but it worked well enough. It's loud and there are TVs everywhere. I hate TVs in restaurants. Brian and Johnathan had good ideas about my Zen Center network issues, and the conversations were entertaining and informative. I walked away with a few things I went to look into or act on. This was an eventful day. Much of this journaling effort originated around Ryan's referring to a gratitude journal in 2018. My earlier daily entries called for noting one specific gratitude each day. From then until now, I have organically dropped the template-based approach for a broader scope of merging moments and meanings. I have a lot to be grateful for. More than one thing a day, for certain.