The Tree of Life

This movie really impacted me. What is interesting is that I've had it and wanted to watch it for some time, but steered clear because of concerns I had re. the portrayal of the father/son relationship as being contentious and stern. Something I felt might make me feel worse about my own parenting then I sometimes do. But it's really one of the most beautiful and emotionally deep things I've seen in years. AND there's something about having gone through GBS that, I think, made me more open to watching it and being in tune with and receptive to the essence and undertones on a deeper level. I was afraid I'd see myself and my own son. I did, but it was cathartic, not guilt or angst producing.

Living away from your kids will make you realize how much you love them. Yet realizing how much you love your kids can makes you consider that living elsewhere might be better for them in the long run.

The Lack Of Humanity In Bureaucracy

I'll post here what I put on Facebook earlier tonight, with this simple forwarding observation: When I think about what I went through, and how my good fortune spared me more hardship, and how lucky I am to have an employer and a position flexible enough to allow remote working, I count my blessings. The DMV and the system in place would prevent me from driving to work and earning a living, and would impound my car and fine me 100's of dollars for driving, even though I've been medically cleared to do so. The total lack of humanity in bureaucracy is terrifying, and something every willing participant in should be ashamed of.



On Jan 21, when I got admitted to Physical Therapy, a part of their process was to report me to the DMV as being unable to drive. 2 weeks later I was discharged and capable of driving. It took another 2 weeks to get medically cleared by the doctors, and their clearance was sent to the DMV. 2 weeks after that was sent to the DMV, I called to make sure everything was done and that I was cleared to drive. They said no, I still had to meet with a case reviewer at the DMV and had been scheduled for an appointment on 3/13…. a full MONTH after the medical clearance was faxed to them.



I questioned the necessity of a face-face meeting, given that they had the report from the same Dr that reported me, clearing me. They said it’s just “their process”. My frustration peaked but with some pushback I got them to find a closer appointment. That appointment was this afternoon.



The formality of the interview was like giving a court deposition, including taking an oath and being recorded. I kid you not. And once all was said and done and I politely answered their questions I was told that the final step would be an actual driving exam! They are making me take a driving test in order to get my license back.



And get this… as she looked for appointments, the earliest was APRIL 2! Another full MONTH AWAY!



I think the veins in my forehead were visible because after going through all of the Bay Area DMV sites appointment openings online, as I explained that I had a job to be at and a 60 mile round trip commute to make and had zero options then to drive on a suspended license (which could result in my car being impounded for 30 days) she made a phone call and scored me an appointment in Los Gatos for this coming Thursday.



My resolution and good fortune aside, this is a massively broken process.

Eventful Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

This is the first time during this effort to rekindle my blog that I've actually made it to the end of the night without having a topic in mind beforehand. So I'm going to just speak my mind and capture my thoughts at this moment.

It's been a long day. I worked from home for the majority of the day, dialing into meetings, I traveled to my physical therapy appointment, and spent time with my son & daughter on a whim (which had me there later than I had initially planned but it was worth it). I wrapped up the evening managing some bills and coordinating some things for tomorrow morning.

All in all what would be considered a mundane, rather uneventful day for most.

But I also had opportunities to exchange some positive and motivational thoughts with a friend, to coordinate some upcoming activities that I am looking forward to, and to be relatively mindful through a good amount of the day.

I caught some glimpses of the evening news tonight. It made me feel fortunate to have had a relatively uneventful day. And to be capable of picking out positive highlights from that relatively uneventful day. There are people out there who might not have had such fortune, and some who are not going to see another day, period.

My goal for tomorrow is to repeat today. At a minimum.

Restful State Of Mind

The process of getting 'back on my feet' came relatively quickly. Most of the people in the medical profession have remarked on the speed and intensity of my recovery. But it doesn't always feel like it. My energy remains diminished and of late, the past 3 or 4 days to be specific, I've found my walking the feel off again. Not in a 'relapse' manner but more in a 'healing' fashion. As if areas have heeled and others are in process, so things feel different and off as the transitions occur.

Today was a day of rest and it was welcome. I actually slept in for the first time in some time and it was rewarding. I worked on a range of projects and tasks and ran a few errands and watch some random crap on TV while letting my legs take a break for the most part.

Sitting still remains a struggle. I spent too many years feeling like idle time was wasted time. I'm trying to find the balance and recognize that idle time is healing time. Physically and mentally, taking time to do nothing is actually doing something. It's what vacations are about. It's what day's off are about. But when you're accustomed to being ruled by a long list of to-do's, rest risks an increasing backlog.

Today was a good day to relax, do some reflection, and try and recognize that doing so would ultimately enable me to do more in the long run. Like the need to take time and exercise in order to have the endurance to do more over time. Or to allow my body to continue to heal.

I hope I can ultimately make these habits ingrained instead of needing conscious effort.