I took French toast casserole to jikoji and had a good Zazen and morning there. I worked with Amanda and activate the registration pages for the site. There's nuances to manage but it's a huge leap ahead for the workflow and workload. I got a response from heartmind institute founder and wrote back to share more details and just to keep my mindset of engagement. We got the dogs teeth checked and it's looking like we're gonna need to extract Scottie's remaining teeth. :-(

I finished, and prep'd Linda's taxes to mail tomorrow. We accepted a short-notice invitation to meet with friends in LG for "music in the park." Tommy, Mark/Wendy, John, Corinne, Olivia, and numerous others came. Fun outing. Hard to believe it was only 2 hrs. But there was more to come, in a subtle surprise that now seems likely to have been the whole point of going in the first place. While there, I recognized the owner of 21st Century Products, a place I worked at 35+ years prior, walking through the crowd. He sat a bit behind us. I approached him, confirmed his identity and hugged him. I sincerely thanked him for the exposure he provided to me to inspirational and motivational content while there. It changed my life, and I was happy to see him again and finally convey my gratitude. It was not an option. I had to act. When you're 25, you don't know a whole lot about life; at 30+ then, he likely didn't either, at least not as much as I believe we both do now. As I discussed with his ex-wife Linda while we reconnected (they're divorced but stayed connected, which I find beautiful and honorable, and she was there tonight, too), what changes as we age and live our lives opens us up to a broader gratitude and appreciation for all that teaches and influences us; people, experiences, and seeds planted. Concepts he exposed me to through Wayne Dyer, amongst others, grew aggressively over the past decades, shaping my character and path, influencing my actions and aspiration, and guiding my heart through relationships, parenting, marriage, divorce and even Linda's passing. I've thought of Jerry and that time often. I've stayed in touch with Jack but lost track of Jerry beyond a few Facebook posts I'd come across years back. What a gift to get to see and engage with them both. It made my day, and it seemed to make theirs too. The day ended with Jen making Blueberry French Toast casserole, and I finished my work on the reservation systems to roll out tomorrow. I committed to it being done by EOM. Tomorrow is EOM. Insert mic-drop here.

Mindset: Curious. I'm revisiting my decision to 'bail' on the sesshin mid-day yesterday. I'm not rethinking it – I think it was the right decision – I'm just wondering why I feel a compulsion to associate to being perceived as anything other than my simple desire to change my plans. I was not signed up for helping in any way, I was an attendee only. Perhaps I missed something of value in the time spent in readings or discussions but … does anybody other than myself care or consider it significant? I doubt it. I overthink things because I've spent 60 years of my life being conditioned to win approval and acceptance through my actions. I care what others think over what I think, concerned that they will not like me if I'm not appeasing them or playing into their ideals and expectations. I'm working through that. I'm untying that "not". It's a tight one.

Goals: Review and finish Linda's taxes. Spend a bit of time looking further at ours but not too much. Work with Jen on the distribution of the lawn dirt. Wash Lauren's mini.

Anticipation: Visit my mom with Jen.

Wants: To increase and integrate a stronger awareness of my own tendency to want to win approval by compromise and sacrifice. To live wide eyed with wonder at every aspect of experiencing life mindfully. To start being more vocal, honest and direct where I think my thoughts and ideas matter, being less dismissive of my value, avoiding 'uncomfortable' situations and instead, embracing them as opportunities to connect.

I went to Jikoji and arrived before 7. I joined the 'already in progress' sesshin but my heart and mind were not in it. It was a true struggle to endure. I was torn between pressing past distraction and following my gut. My gut said 'leave' and it won. I felt bad but honestly, only out of concern for the opinions of others, which I'm working to not let sway my actions. Quite a moment of conflict inside. It's all a learning experience. Just like Tommy's little encounter with ethical choices at Target last night. Lessons. The gardener did an amazing job on the lawn, it's well worth it. I worked more on taxes but did not find a way out of the predicament. It might just be another case of 'what is' and we'll manage it. I started working on Linda's too. Jen said something so moving today that really struck a chord. I was talking about how her death really had a profound impact on me, and she said that she knew that Linda's desired departure would have been exactly what I gave her - her kids and I, divorced or not, surrounding her and sending her off with sincere love as a family. It's so true but nothing I've thought about in that context. I"m grateful to have her have known Linda and share that. Tommy and I made a GOBM run and he was ready to pay for his own food! I was not expecting that, said I'd get it this time since he's been sharing stuff, and we had a good positive experience all around.

A decent day again. Every day is, even with confronting a substantially larger obligation than I'd expected for our 2022 tax filings. Yes, I delayed, I've been busy. Yet, it'll all work out, we'll find a way. I made more progress on a few other tasks including further playing with the exitidy logo. I'm not done, but it's taking shape. Tomorrow will be a full day at Jikoji for the memorial sesshin and I'm going to do my best to set aside all of the nagging distracting thoughts that'll still be there afterwards. I'm hoping to find some value in the time there, not just getting exposed to a larger scale event and ll that goes along with it, but to put time into silent conscious awareness. I think a lot of what I want out of life comes from being aggressively present and grateful for just the experience itself. Regardless of how it plays out, in the end, it ends.

Good day. Fixed issues I introduced with the reservation system changes but learned a lot. Starting to understand how it works. Wanted to reclaim lost sle but didn't get the chance until later in the day. Lauren is off to Nashville and I'm excited for her travels. Tommy and I locked in on two harbors late sept with mark and Vinny. I'm glad I gave the time and opportunity to share all of these days and adventures. They turn 20 next month. I've been thinking of Linda lately. It's hard still to comprehend how her life ended and the fact that she's not able to see them coming into their own. Or is she?

Mindset: Gratitude. I don't know if it was the iced tea at 4 pm, but I was tossing and turning until 2.30 am and beyond. Not good. Then, I had the most bizarre dream. I was on a small ship in the ocean and watched a former colleague from my Confoti days wade into shallow waters and get devoured by a group of sharks. Brutally. I woke from that, tried to make sense of it and heard the dog barking in the backyard, which is unusual. That led my thoughts to wonder where Jen was and to consider how suddenly anybody, including her, can be here one day and gone the next. Perhaps the dream was initiated by the newsletter I worked on yesterday and my research related to the sudden passing of the founder of the Zen Center. I don't know. Ultimately though, this is what happens. It's an idealized and romanticized hope that our lives and loved ones all gracefully peacefully pass away surrounded by family and friends, but it's not likely to be that poetic. The unpredictability of nature is stronger than our ability to control it. I value this perspective. It's turned fear and obsession into an enriching awareness (and an obsession ;-)).
Goals: Work on BIG, exitidy and the kids 20th birthday plans.
Anticipation: Lauren's solo adventure to the Nystagmus conference starts today. I'm excited for her.
Wants: The safety of my loved ones, to make a sustainable income doing something independent that feeds my soul, to spend each day being as present and grateful as possible, to foster connections to all experiences, to reduce and remove judgement.

Jikoji am. Myself, Gerow, Dan, Gary, Michael S, Jesse and myself. Dan's being ordained this Friday by Doug. Jesse's a key player at https://rmerc.org/ in Boulder and has history/connections to Michael Newhall. Gary's an MD who adopted and practiced acupuncture (I'm a skeptic) and said he 'found a way to do work that expresses who he is". I thought that poignant. I stopped at Madronia on the way home and found a sense of strong connection in doing so, like I felt in Colorado. That it's all a part of the chaos of any journey and nothing can be expected to have gone otherwise. It just 'is'. I returned home and cranked out the 'special edition' newsletter and sent it out for limited review with a plan to send it tomorrow. Jen and I went and wine tasted at Gali before going to the Jazz in the Plazz. It was an enjoyable date night. I'm routinely grateful for all we have and get to experience. Even the simply things, like sitting in a park listening to music, are gifts.

I did it! I got up early, did some routine mediations, walked the dogs and the usual stuff… BUT before long, I sat down, focused and knocked out the resolution to the event booking needs for Jikoji. There's more to do as far as refinements go, as I suspect there's better ways to do this, but I'll learn as I go. Hoping to go live with things next Monday after the big memorial sesshin this weekend. The satisfaction is as expected … worth it.

Mindset: Drifting. Rudderless. Distracted. Yet compassionately confident. Sometimes I don't want to start and others, I can't stop. Lately it's the former. It's the usual root cause - distraction, avoidance and that compulsive need to chase thought and impulse.

Goals: finish what I've started: registration. Reach for the newsletter goal too. Stand a lot. Concentrate on the days end as a deadline.

Anticipation: the sense of accomplishment that will follow the concentrated effort.

Wants: constantly connecting to the moment. Recognizing my value through my own appreciation of my intentions and not others. Putting my health and satisfaction first. Not being so hard on myself while honoring my own commitments and the work required of me to achieve these desires.

Terra Formed - circa 1997? 25yrs ago!

Visited my mom to help with some email frustrations. The 'filter read messages' feature should be more intuitive. I was pleased to hear from MetLife that my appeal was granted which will provide a bit of additional help with the runway ahead. My focus was problematic and nothing I planned to accomplish, got accomplished. That being said, some things did get accomplished that I'd not planned on. It's just that they're not top priorities and I get into 'mole whacking' mode to easily.

Mindset: Focused. Present. Determined. Aware. Balanced.

Goals: Koban SE newsletter draft. Checkfront integration for events. Exitidy site completion.

Anticipation: discipline and progress

Today was a pleasant day. It’s late, and I will make this brief: Good morning meditation and a bit of time with Tommy. Jen and I installed the water filter after I gave up and got frustrated by not having a compatible faucet, only to realize it’s a ‘direct line’ filter of cold water through the sink itself, not an additional spigot. It was an immediately noticeable improvement. It pleasantly surprised me. I worked on the exitidy website and made further progress. Jen and I did Kiwanis volunteer work at Oak Meadow for 2hrs and I enjoyed it. It was great to meet new people. Ended the day with a wonderful concert at Mt Winery - Brit Floyd. Mark, Wendy, I, Jen and TOMMY came separately and I think he not only enjoyed the music, he like the time with myself and Mark. He was looking out across the valley and mentioned and started to name places and memories of his life span. It was moving and a very mature and sincere expression on his part. Later I watched the crowd enjoying the music all throughout the venue, and it struck me how universal “joy” can be. In music or sports or other “human connection” moments.

Mindset: Welcoming. Both "daily calm" meditation and "daily stoic" reading focused on he same thing. Welcoming whatever comes your way with grace and gratitude. That works for me. I like how the indication was that even what seems negative can be a transition to something large and more positive. I agree and recognize that as a mindset I need to maintain during the 'times of uncertainty'.

Goals: Finish lingering Jikoji work. Install water filter, go with Jen to volunteer at Oak Meadow, continue working on exitidy.com draft and time allowing, continue outlining presentation.

Anticipation: Brit Floyd

Wants: The focus and confidence to build this business into a 6-figure income without working more than 20hrs/week before EOY 2024. To spend more time helping my mom out. To coordinate David joining me on the LA visit in November to our historical landmarks.

Mindset: uncertain. Not an anxious way, but just in an ambiguous way. I don't know what today will bring. I am hoping to make progress on the end-of-life planning work and I have some sense into work to tackle. I'm meeting Marlin for breakfast to talk about the, remainder of the year and options related to my transition. So there's a lot of ways things can go. But I don't for see any direction as being a significant life ending game changing all hell breaks loose outcomes. Tommy's dry age steak looks great. I'm gonna prep it. Enjoy it with him tonight.

Highlights: A great "BIG" call with a small group of facilitators. I'm in the right place and mindset and seeing opportunities on the horizon. It's still scary, but I'm going to set a date for the workshop at Jikoji, but it requires an outline, so... more P1 tasks are on my already full plate. I'm going to need more hours in my day. Or more focus and determination. And less shiny objects. My reminders shortcut is working well, and I'm finding the reminders helpful. Jen and I had a good conversation about judgment. It's an area I want to focus on and reduce. I keep finding myself easily pulled into judgmental situations, and my awareness is starting to peak. That's good. I'm able to step back, and she's helpful in pointing it out. JS and I hit Gali Vineyards for a wine tasting before GNO. He seemed to enjoy the wines, which was my hope. We ended up talking to a woman working through some issues related to a divorce, a teenage son, boundaries, etc. It was a great opportunity to share some of my experiences and recommend a book I felt compelled to suggest. I'm hoping it resonates. It was a nice moment to respond to an impulse and have it received well. GNO was on the patio at Willow St, and the weather, sans a few insects, was perfect. As was the Salt 'n Straw ice cream. I'm grateful to have this routine and this set of friends. I came home to Tommy and Jen. Tommy bought a tiny, tiny aquarium for his room. I was worried it would be a huge tank again, but it's smaller than a simple toaster. He seemed to be preoccupied with something. He's so secretive. But I was at his age too. He seems to be doing well otherwise, and things at home have been good. Not just tolerable, but good. That's been a gradual process, but small incremental movements in the right direction are enough.

Mindset: Restructuring – Taking a few lessons and reconsidering my routines in order to use the morning for more creation. That'll mean moving some of the things I do for reflection and inspiration move into another time slot. My first attempt this am went better than I thought. It feels like there's a 'sweet spot' at the start of my day wherein I can think and write more naturally than when trying to force it into mid-day. So…. Trying it out.
Goals: Dive into what I hope to be my final 10 days focused on the BIGS tasks. 
Anticipation: GNO tonight in LG
Wants: To be published and start getting readers in a new space outside of this journal and my own blogs. To figure out how to manage 2024's fiscal needs. To continue having the time and space to wake daily with a sense of gratitude and wonder. To enjoy friends more while maintaining temperance on food and wine.

The backstory to these images is an artifact of this journey together. IFAH.

What another great day. I enjoyed the morning mediations and my walk with Jen and the dogs as is the routine. My daily routine seems dominated by Lucky, who seems to think that my getting up means food. It's a problem needing resolution. Mark and Olivia came by my mom's to take in what work needs doing, and he'll follow up and schedule accordingly - it's great being able to help her make some changes that will result in more enjoyment of her home in the years to come. I'm glad she's still kicking (only not as a high... my latest catchphrase). My initial call with CA based "Compassion and Choices" team was inspirational and encouraging. I'm fully in the right space and zone for this effort. We had an awesome time with Kelly and Velma tonight enjoying wine, jazz and laughter. We have many wonderful and valued friendships. I enjoyed the closing of the night chatting with my good friend of some 50+ years at this point… what a gift to recognize that the time that flew by was really rich, dense, and genuine as it played out. It's only in thought and recollection that it seems like yesterday. I'm learning to appreciate the present as 'the good old days' in anticipation of being lucky enough to call them such in 20 years.



Mindset: Pensive serenity (now). Woke feeling strong focus on and ability to be highly present and in the moment, holding the wild horses if chaotic thoughts at bay. Enjoyed the daily trip references to leaves in a stream. Great metaphor for life. Especially from the perspective of being the stream that influences the leaves. All seems to tie together if you are paying attention, or forcing it. Therein lies the dilemma - what's "real".

Goals: Revisit priorities mid-week. EOLP work high on the list.

Anticipation: outing with Kelly and Velma.

Wants: to start posting and writing more prominently. To hang up the virtual EOLP shingle. To further foster connections to like minded communities. To return to 172.

Today was one of those days where so many things just aligned. I think alignment is a key word for the ideas around moving in new directions. The time at Jikoji had me considering intention and practice, and the subsequent breakfast was a full and engaging dialog related to that too, not at my initiation. Anette's leaving tomorrow and it was fortuitous that I went up today and got to thank her for her very strong modeling of positivity and defense of others. She has wonderful character as do Nick and Mike S and Gerow who were all present this am too. I stopped by Madronia on the way and spent time writing my thoughts out. Jen's 1st day volunteering at the Cancer Society thrift store went well. Her friend Cindy came over as did Steve and Kim, my first time meeting both, and the entire evening was spent in some very powerful conversations. Discussions about aging, agendas, reflection and following intuition and desire. Again, right up my alley. I'm so grateful to be meeting new inspirations and feeling validations that I'm not alone in ways I've thought and felt long before I every comfortably voiced. Oh and Tommy made his own Sous Vide and loved it.

Mindset: inquisitive. Sat Zazen @ jikoji. Considered how wide the spectrum of spiritual practices and aspirations is and yet how universal truths span and weave throughout. Intention. Honor. Values. Consideration. And the efforts made are often to temper what seems to be an inate characteristic of being human; judgement, greed, fear. It's been quite a journey over the past few years exploring all of this.

Goals: eat well. Pace myself reasonably. That's enough for today.

Anticipation: Jen's friends coming tonight.

Our date night seeing Diana Krall last night was wonderful. The evening started warm but cooled quickly and the performance was inspirational. As expected. I have a long way to go…. she's good… uses all fingers on BOTH hands. At once! There was a good amount of improv by all. I think my next outing to a show looking for motivation should be a solo performance. I made good progress on the checkfront side of Jikoji work. I didn't make it up today and sort of regret not doing so, but i had some good meditation at home and felt connected to the day. My reminders are working and helping a lot. I improved the automation steps. All it al it was a good day. I am grateful for my friendships, the fact that i have a functional ac unit and a whole house fan for our evenings.

Mindset: Fragmented, as was my sleep. It's not always easy to get up and follow a routine that's intended to keep me present and focused and balanced – sleeping in can be quite compelling. There's a great meditation from Marcus Aurelius about this very topic: what's your purpose and destiny…., to experience, influence and achieve or to stay in a warm bed instead. That can be a hard choice. Winter's gonna suck. I'm also a bit thrown by Scottie having either reverse-sneeze attach or a choking episode this morning while eating. He's ok now but it was concerning. The daily calm was about 'understanding' and how complex each person's unique experience and perspectives can be, to the point that our innate reflex to make judgments works against understanding 'the bigger picture'. I feel that way about a lot of things.

Goals: Intermittent fast. Leaving my ear alone. Realigning some of my routines and priorities around Exitidy, Stozendao, and putting frameworks in place so there is a virtual place in place. Drafting a baseline SE Kobun newsletter.

Anticipation: Writing

Wants: Being published online. Generating revenue following my inner compass. Staying conscious and present as to the nature of impermanence and change. Being grateful for every day I'm not struggling. Recognizing and reconciling the fact that mind/body are both separate and connected at once.

Jen and I took a stab at the next section of lawn work this morning, before the heat kicked in, and did reasonably well. We still have a lot to do, though. I spent some time getting off my ass and tending to some task around the house including cleaning up back yard clutter and getting laundry done. We had dinner with Mary and Dom at their place and enjoyed the wonderful evening outside on their patio. Tommy returned from Pinecrest, and unfortunately I had to clarify that at this point his desire to get invisalign treatment was his responsibility, financially. As is his sister's implant work her's. At almost 20, and working full time when I am not, it's simply time they start managing their own medical needs as adults, as I did at 19 too. He took it well but I know I approached it all with that in mind when discussing it, he just didn't hear what it or I didn't make it as obvious as I thought it was. The trust fund is an option, though, if that's his desire.

“Greenwashing”

I know this. I've known this. But like having a locking knob on a French door, it feels easier to believe there's some rational mythical value in such a clearly ineffective gesture. At this point, the only value continuing to practice sorting recycling might give me is a few cents back on deposits. If I care to spend the time going through all of the necessary hurdles to obtain it. Back at Matson, there was a guy who would come around and take the recycle out of our bins when they were set out for pick up the following morning. I would literally hand him bags filled with them. Nobody's doing that in Los Gatos. Yet. I'm inclined to want to at least put these into the hands of someone who can use the money from them. Sigh. More lies and misdirection. I suppose you're going to tell me the food pyramid is upside down next, right?

Greenpeace report finds most plastic goes to landfills as production ramps up : NPR

https://www.npr.org/2022/10/24/1131131088/recycling-plastic-is-practically-impossible-and-the-problem-is-getting-worse

Mindset: Curious, grateful. It's Saturday. What does that mean anymore anyway? Shifting in traffic patterns and density in various locations. it's weird not working for over six months. It's been wonderful being at home, but my own traffic patterns have changed. As has my density.

Goals: it's going to be another hot day, so I'll probably get a few things done outside in the morning. it really is surreal to see the average temperatures at this level. I have lived long enough to remember summers being a lot less dramatic. Isn't there a point at which a cars tire will melt? Is that what lies ahead for future generations? Just wondering.

Anticipation: we are going to go catch a couple old movies at the Stanford theater to escape the heat. Of course, we will leave the air conditioning going for the dogs and to maintain the baseline temperature since it's going to still be hot when we get home.

Wants: I want to get out more. As much as I enjoy the home, and I really do enjoy the home, I don't wanna be a shut in. There's a reason I want to retire in the city. Life and movement and engagement. I am aware that I'm missing out on things. Like working out, if you stop and get seven Teri, it's not always easy to start back up again. That's kind of how I am feeling. I'm also feeling overwhelmed by the uncertainty, but it's self-inflicted and somewhat experimental. I just need to take more dramatic steps and I'm not. Why? "Competence and confidence"? Lauren had a wonderful observation yesterday. When I was telling her about some of my daily reminders and one being "learn to say no to more responsibility", she said I should change it to "stop taking on responsibility without being asked". What ann insightful observation.

Winter is coming. It's not even August, but I am already aware of the slowly diminishing span of daylight now that the summer solstice has passed. These long days make rising early all the more maintainable. Waking in the morning sunlight feels far more natural than struggling to get out of bed simultaneously during the winter months. Hell, even the "SAD'' light I use as an augmented waking light pales in comparison to the natural experience. My highlights for today include dropping Lauren at the train after a morning journey to Campbell and then Los Gatos in search of the perfect coffee, and a quick stop to replace anearring backing. Jen went to visit Cheryl white I lingered about. I got nothing substantial completed but did manage to return to my more focused piano lessons. I'm still working to get to a more natural feeling of placement and to be able to read music well enough that. I inherenty know where to target my fingers next. I't's becoming clear that It's achievable, but not without a hell of a lot more consistent practice and effort. It's going to fake a long time to get where I want to go but at 62, at least I'm finally trying. Jen made a wonderful strawberry and lemon ice cream. Delicious! Tommy is at Pinecrest tonight with Vinny, return tomorrow. I'm glad he went. I guess Karl didn't go. But he's gone consistently and he enjoys it. We had a little tension this morning again. I'm doing my best to relax a lot of triggers. I know that once he's gone I'll miss him but I do hope he can continue to exercise, better judgment, and more respectful and responsible communications. At least he apologized for this morning which was welcome. It shows an effort at awareness of his reactions after the fact. I just need him to reverse the order, making apologies unnecessary. 

Mindset: Observant. A few reminders over the past 12+ hours have me mindful of and recognizing the difference between routine reflex interaction and awareness of the transitory nature of everything happening around me. Watching and witnessing a man's aggressively angry emotional expressions at a bus stop across from Voyager coffee triggered anxiety, empathy and discomfort. Detachment too. Classifying him as 'crazy' or having mental issues seems logical from the realm of our social construct and us/them boundaries but at the same time I felt sorry for what I recognized as feelings I've experienced too. Even expressed to a more subtle degree, less public and disruptive, but I've felt anger, abandonment, rage, unjust circumstances. I've been a cause of such in others too. Where's the line then between us/them? It's a challenging observation. Another situation has been the awareness of the intentional coordinated death of a zen priest in Oregon that's connected to Jikoji's Sanga. It's been a reminder of our collective impermanence as well as an example of how people's connections to others are very tied to 'this level of existence'. This news brought a level of somber recognition of 'endings' in a space that's seemingly focused on a deeper view of higher consciousness. One other observation of late was my reflex bristling at having some 'corrects' sent my way regarding a newsletter draft. Something I listened to the other day touched on how 'constructive feedback' can trigger a sense of failure or incompetence and of judgement of our abilities. It's something I've wrestled with for decades. Yet I'm eager to share my own observations when I note a double-space after a period, for example, or a typo, without ill intent at all. Perhaps my assumptions are projections of my own self doubt. OK… I guess that's enough… I recall mentioning a return to navel gazing in a recent text thread with friends and this confirms it. :-)

Goals: Continued focus on ketosis, send the newsletter, enjoy Lauren's visit with presence in the opportunity over distractions of what's not getting done otherwise.

Anticipation: Movie to avoid the heat?

Wants: Less time finishing things left unfinished due to starting something else. Less attachment to being the only one why can do something they way I want it, or even thinking that the way I want it is the right way at all. More deeper connection and conversations with others. More laughter. More putting insight into action than being focused on continually seeking further insight. And of course, world peace, and a pony.

Mindset: Adaptable. I read something last night that reinforced the idea of chaos in life, by Frank O., I believe. It spoke of the tendency we have to push back and fight against accepting what we can't change. I've done that and witnessed that for decades. To the point of feeling apologetic for suggesting things will "be ok", or I myself questioning the point of carrying on. Right now there's so much uncertainty in my circumstances, and something difficult, significant and game changing will indeed happen at some point. It's inevitable. Acceptance of this in advance makes me appreciate the relative calm of uncertainty with gratitude for the present and the mindset of "when" not "if". In the meantime I'm enjoying every moment of "now". All of the thoughts that define the past and future are either behind us or projections and both are distortions.

Goals: Lauren's visit will sideline some tasks but I'll be focusing on some further BIGS and jikoji tasks.

Anticipation: Voyager with Jen. 2 days of Lauren and hopefully one with Tommy along Jazz in the Plazz.

Wants: BIGS certification. attend Dan's Escalon event and a local one too. Continued awareness that the approval of others can be at the compromise of myself. Continue learning piano by perhaps taking a class or finding a teacher.

It was another day filled with all sorts of "stuff" that just gets lost in the motion of attempting to complete what I intended. Things like finding the coffee grinder non-functional or catching a door squeaking that needs oil or noticing the need to double check the supporting brackets of a refrigerator that'll flatten both dogs and most of a human should it ever fall forward (that fucker's heavy). So, yeah, lots of stuff like that. And yet, I closed a slew of BIGS modules, got through some side tasks related to still-languishing accounts of Linda's, and in general had a balanced productive day. I'm also getting slightly and I do mean SLIGHTLY more proficient at reading music. But I squint when I do, which sucks. It's progress none the less. I'm grateful again for the space and home we have, the pleasure of sitting outside on a warm evening, the whole house fan (which I worked to automate the use of, within limits of available options), and more. I continue to find synergy in my work with Jikoji including the board meeting tonight, and I believe some of the connections I'm fostering will be part of my path into the latter half of the year.

I'm learning not to second-guess my first impulse.

Mindset: I had a hard time falling asleep. Once I did, though, I had the strangest dream. A dream involving a murder, a masked victim, a Polaroid photo and a dry cleaner. It was the strangest dream, and yet it felt familiar. It's sort of déjà vu. Almost a continuation of a story I've had an a prior dream. That's kind of wild. It conveys a sense of recollection that would be indicative of blocking a memory. Not that I'm somehow involved in this scenario, at least not to my recollection :-). This mornings meditation was about keeping it simple, and it felt very familiar as well. It touched on how taking the time every day to balance and ground and center and simply just "be" can trickle into other aspects of one's life. That seems to have been the case for me. Letting go of thoughts is thoughts is difficult but thoughts tend to be the origin of worry and stress and anxiety. Also, this morning's daily Stoic was centered on following the art speaks to you and letting everything else go. That to resonates.

Goals: I need to spend today working on the BIGS work. I am setting a date in the calendar for doing a talk (workshop), and I need to get the outline finished, as well as the certification.

Anticipation: a cam focused day at home with my wife and my dog.

Wants: Tommy's continuing to work on himself, revenue from my passions, to be published, to stay financially neutral through mid-2024, to keep benefiting from the small progress of connection that every day seems to briefly contain.

Today was another good day. I got up early and headed out the door to Jikoji but was thrown off by a missing wallet. It feels like I'm misplacing everything these days repeatedly. So it was a trigger. Jen was irritated by dishes issues, and I was irritated by her irritation. But on the way out the door, I stopped, considered what matters, returned to kiss her and headed out. The delay caused me to be late, but it was just a few minutes. I brought eggs and veggies for breakfast. Sitting Zazen was tough - sometimes it works, other times I feel like a poser. The time on site was productive, though, and while the residence did personals, I managed to get the donation page reworked and published. Miguel and I brainstormed other ideas but hit some walls with Venmo and Paypal that I have to surmount via direct contact. When I got home, Lauren was there, Jen got her, and they made wings for lunch. Delicious! I got a call from Bryan at Jikoji and discussed a few things, including a possible position as secretary, which would give me a formal role as an officer. I'm in. I'd love it. It's not my ideal, but it's an inroad and a growth opportunity. Lauren and I did a mountain drive up through the Santa Cruz Mountains and back down into Saratoga. Along the way, there was a large tree branch in the middle of the road - quite a hazard - so I slowed and stopped and took hold of the branch outside the car window, held on and dragged it until I reached a point where I swerved into the oncoming lane (no traffic of course) and let it careen into the side of the road and out of harm's way. It was a rewarding effort. We stopped briefly at Madrona to visit her mom. Something felt good about that - not in a closure way but in an 'acceptance' way. Tommy was happy to see Lauren, and I feel like he's getting more mature and appreciative. Her dental appt was quick; she saw Elisa briefly and was back on the train at 6.10 pm. I worked on the Newsletter draft and some site changes and sent some inquiries out for content. It was a busy day with less introspection than of late, but I'm sure I'll be gazing at my navel again most of the day tomorrow.

Mindset: Optimistic. I just had an epiphany of sorts. Like Linda did and as I have used against her, I too can spend time worried about a wide range of things that never happen. Yet I have can and will by what I never expected. It's an awareness that holding consciences of can put me into a more present state.

Goals: Productivity with Jikoji onsite as a working session. Put forth a Sept date for the workshop. Post something I've written.

Anticipation: Lauren's visit.

Wants: continuing to live more mindful of life's every level of experience.

Man, days are like raising kids. They seem to take forever until you're at the end, and you can't believe how quickly it went by. Today was another pleasant day. I did some actual writing, finally. I have nothing published yet, just some drafts needing a little editing and review. But it was good. I used the reMarkable, which affords me concentration, but I always need something on the Mac. Lauren's coming down tomorrow for a dental day run down and back, but it sounds like she'll return Wednesday-Friday. Tommy's been pleasant too. I was struck earlier looking at a photo of him and his mom and seeing such pain in his face, constrained but evident. I'm hoping he's finally starting to come into a better place; it's been a challenging couple of years. Perhaps the highlight of my day was FINALLY running into a former neighbor and colleague who's been through some tough times. I saw and made a concerted effort almost to corner him, press my hand into his, and press my sincere interest in reconnecting whenever he was available. I've no idea where it'll go. I'm optimistic but also know that what I've wanted to do and say has been done and said, and the rest is at the whim of others' actions. Jen made a wonderful dinner, and I helped clean and manage multiple things and needs around the house. We have a good , when it comes to these things. I spent some time thinking about and writing about her ex, Chris, my former brother-in-law. It's something I have some unresolved feelings about, I'll leave it there for now and here. I am going to Jikoji in the morning and set aside some supplies to make a fun scramble for breakfast before I set into some working sessions with folks for the latter part of the morning. The work I did on some site changes yesterday broke some functionality. Amanda reached out and I reviewed and fixed the issues I introduced. Learning!

Mindset: Focused on gratitude. It's odd how my waking thoughts tend to be dread or anxiety, but I'm getting much better at reprogramming decades of impulse. It only takes a couple of minutes to focus on what's good to prevent a spiral of anxiety or frustration. When the dog wakes you from a sleep by licking your face do you grimace and shove it away out of irritation of the rude awakening or laugh and connect to the affection, excitement and impermanence? Jen apologized for being in my way at the sink and all I could do was reflect with love on how glad I am she's here to get in my way at all.

Goals: Setting aside the MacBook Air today as much as I can so I can focus on some writing. I'll be using the remarkable for that.

Anticipation: Writing. I want to write about perception vs reality when it comes to actions and intentions - in particular reflecting on Jen's ex and their families stance on us. Oh, and more time learning to read music, as it's clear I need that skill.

Wants: To play piano more. To enjoy a morning walk. To maintain my downward trajectory with weight (back under 180!). To foster more connections with others. To kick off LivingWake.

…🎵a good friend of mine follows the stars 🎶…



I made good progress on my commitment today re Jikoji setup for event registration and payments. I hit some barriers and worked around several but have more to do before I'm ready to test it. I'll likely put some time into it tomorrow but I'm also scheduled to be onsite Monday and working together with others too. Tommy was recognized by the office manager at his job for his great work and I could not be happier for him. I'm grateful we're getting along well and it was pleasant having the house to myself for most of the day since Jen was visiting cousins. I almost jumped on a chance to see Lyle Lovett at the mountain winery but it was too cold and short notice and I'd rather put the $ towards another show on the horizon.

My am focus on gratitude worked well with the aid of a brisk shower and the usual routines. The dinner at GV with Jen was wonderful yet the food and alcohol, as usual, can throw my system off, which it did. So I'm a bit fuzzy in the head and stomach. Otherwise I'm in a pretty stoic frame of mind - content and determined to accomplish one significant task. Jikoji reservation payments. It's a bit of a knotted ball, thus the ongoing struggle and delay. Along with my own lack of focus on one thing for more than 10 minutes. Jens off to a cousin's reunion so I'll have the full day. I will get it done. Check back and see. :-)

Mindset: content. Starting each day taking just a couple of minutes to integrate mindful awareness that I "get to be here" is becoming a really useful routine. It's simply about recognizing that I have a lot to be grateful for. Life can and could be a lot worse. Maybe that's around the corner, nobody knows. But seeing the picture from outside the frame allows me to enjoy it as a whole and not subjectively. It's a powerful reset. I am enjoying it.

Goals: Clear BIGS and Jikoji obligations. Line up next actions including the kids birthday book and letter.

Anticipation: Dinner date with Jen at Grandview.

Wants: more time in a day is unrealistic, but more time creating with passion is a choice.

The new neighbors, Kevin and Clara, started moving in today. They seem very nice. They are both from the area, moved away and are returning. I'm expecting we will have a good rapport. I felt really good today - positive attitude from the get go and I think my presence/engagement is becoming more second-nature. I had a good call with the BIGS crew including Jane. Michael's intro walkthrough meditation was wonderful - very in sync with my own sense of connection, rooting and growth. It continued the tone of the day. I got to practice some "random act of kindness' during an ATT chat looking for some help by noticing the individual's name, "Latrice", googling it's origin and commenting on how it dates back to Roman times, Latin, and means of nobel birth. They were clearly moved and thought it was cool – it felt good to set forth a positive moment in someone's day. My JBL AirPlay2 speaker arrived. I shuttled the HomePods around to optimize the new addition and love its portability and sound. It was a great buy for $50. Tommy's 7-day dry-age effort concluded with a 2.5hr sous vide and aggressive cast iron searing. It wasn't great but wasn't bad either and was definitely a different experience and fun to do. We'll see how the brine bone-in comes out next week. I managed to update the Jikoji website and start conversations about the next newsletter. Jen and I went to Costco this am and again tonight and got probably 50% + of the cardboard we need for the back yard. They were awesome about our gathering it, it was almost celebrated - it's pretty amazing to consider how much goes into managing the inventory in a warehouse like that, including constantly gathering the slip sheets from pallets of products being taken throughout a shift. I ended the night looking at the menu for our date-night dinner tomorrow, it looks amazing and I'm excited about going out, it's been awhile since we've done something like this. Life is short and  we cut a lot of corners and pinch a lot of pennies so we can have some occasional treats like this. I'm so grateful for how we work together on so many levels. I'm grateful that Tommy's expressing concerns for my physical well being/energy and talking supplements, because it's a gesture of concern and interest. I'm excited about so many of my ideas and intentions and I'm hoping tomorrow to have a full day of focused time working further on them. I have to 'just start doing it'.

Highlights: I had a great start today with some synergy validating recent practices and ideas. I'll write about it elsewhere, hopefully, tomorrow, but man, there are so many indicators going on that just keep reinforcing the opportunity if not the obligation to stay focused on things that I'm passionate about. I'm also highly attuned to feeling gratitude for the past 6 months and the gains the have been the result of focused reflection.

Accomplishments: We found a source for cardboard for the yard – Costco - "split sheets" from pallets. We're picking up a slew tomorrow am. I modified the garage shelf right outside the kitchen so we have a more convenient way to manage compost and overflow of infrequently used kitchen things like the toaster, cappuccino machine, coffee grinder, etc., and I started work on Lauren's room morphing into a hybrid room for her, other possible guests and a place for a few office-ish needs (printers, etc).

Gratitudes: Tommy, little by little, making positive strides in our relationship. Jen's ongoing effort to keep the house feeling homey.

Mindset: Calm. Resetting my focus after a few days celebrating my 62nd.

Goals: review and sequence my priorities for the week.

Anticipation: Fourth of July has me anticipating a nervous dog and wanting to avoid going anywhere crowded.

Wants: more doing less … less agreeing to sign up for anything as my plate is full.

> It's been a good few days. I had a calm, low-key birthday, just as desired. I spent this AM at Jikoji and enjoyed it as usual, and setup some plans to move further on the lingering checkout and reservation changes. Mark and Wendy came over for dinner. Tommy and Olivia joined us. It was such a nice experience to share a meal and reflect on the dozen+ years leading up to this. Life is good. Friends are good. We are so fortunate, it's sort of stunning when I stop and take it in.

Learning and Leaning In

My dominant thought for today is wonder and gratitude that I am here, still having this experience, after 62 years. What a gift this time has been. What a gift to be conscious and aware of it as well.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of focusing on what I don't have, how life has been unfair, resentment of others who have ' 'done me wrong". What a ridiculous way to live. What a tragic way to spend the brief instance of time we have.

What don't I have?

 

I don't have financial security. I don't have my dream job. I also don't have a debilitating physical handicap. I don't have Gullame Barre (any more). I don't have a Stage 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor.

Life is not "fair," and it's unrealistic to see it as otherwise. Life is inherently chaos, as is all of nature. We survive until we don't. We thrive in ideal conditions that nurture and enrich us and adapt to adversity and obstacles we encounter.

The only person that has ever done me wrong is me. I own my choices outright and the ramifications that come with them, including the instances when I defer to the judgment and decisions of others instead of my instinctual opposition. In some cases, I grow; in others, I constrain, and in all instances, I learn. Assuming I am open to doing so. My "path" is my creation.

Something tragic may happen tomorrow. Something genuinely significant and life-changing. Someone I love dearly may die suddenly and unexpectedly, for example. A house fire could leave us homeless. A beloved pet could get loose and be struck by a car.

In truth, trauma and loss is a certainty. It's inevitable and on the horizon for all of us. And I want to live with daily acceptance of this, as should we all, but not in a weighty negative manner that causes every day to seem clouded with doom. Instead, to see and embrace our own and collective impermanence with loving acceptance.

I've spent 62 years here. I have been living what I call "the construct" of dictated cultural and social expectations and mandates. I've pursued recognition and validation through the acceptance of others and material posturing. But I've also sought insight and connection sporadically throughout my varied experiences, while the past several years have gradually and increasingly been spent becoming far more connected to the moment and to the recognition that it's all passing until it ceases.

I enter this 62nd year far more conscious that the only barrier between my desires and their fulfillment is my belief in myself and overcoming confidence-limiting inaction.

I can't wait to see what the future brings. I plan to be there for as much of it as possible, influencing it in ways that make each moment a richly rewarding experience.