Highlight(s): Great lunch with Nevin and Marya. So grateful to see him handling the layoff so well. Inspirational. Good 1hr chat w/Alex B about strategies. Thrashed through managing the booking of flights for Lauren's ANN conference at Panorama. Frustrating but got it done. All locked in and excited for her.

Gratitude: Friends

Rant: irritation levels are high on having to live in a continuous mess in the kitchen. Nobody seems to give a fuck about my need to have a clean place to work/live in. It's like being back at Pano again. I loved living alone for this reason – never had issues with keeping things in order.

Tommy missed the "DOD" at MBA yesterday so going today was important. To him and I too. But he mom was pressing back on taking him and expecting I would because he was on my custody until 9am. I pushed back because I had other plans but conceded in order to ensure he got there. He did, and reported back that he'd be allowed in the water next year, which is just wonderful news. We took the dog for breakfast in Pacific Grove and returned to SJ. I dropped Lauren at 12 along w/Tommy's bike. Tommy called later saying he wanted to stay with me but I think it's because he's making friends his age on my street, also wonderful. Lauren wants to attend a 3-Day ANN event in CD w/her mom but until I feel stable at work, $1k is a lot of money. Took scottie for walk in Campbell and crossed paths with a skunk and a huge raccoon. Watched "Live in the Doghouse" and donated - really moving and made me happy we adopted our dog. I hope to feel more stable in my working situation before Summer ends. I'm looking forward to going into RWC tomorrow feeling refreshed.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting

A Cog in the Karma Wheel

My cousin gave a book (The Untethered Soul) to my Aunt Paula (my mom's sister) a year or two ago. Paula said it's one of her all time favorites in note she wrote in a copy she sent to me last year. I got around to reading it and loved it, and recognized my Niece in parts of it. I sent a copy to her. She loved it and plans to share it with somebody else too.




Meanwhile, I took my daughter to my mom's briefly and mentioned that Paula recently got a 2.5yr "all clear" cancer checkup. She and Paula have not talked for some time after a pretty aggressive email from my mom to Paula maybe in which she pretty much cut her out of her life, but she and I connected on our own accord. I also shared having sent the book to my niece and that she was getting some real positive inspiration out of it. My mom was thrilled, having been concerned but unable to influence her.




Today my mom wrote me, saying again how good she felt knowing Marissa was getting some inspiration. And that she'd sent an email to her sister Paula about both her 'clear scan' and the book's influence.




Something about this all feels like good karma.

I missed posting yesterday. I'm sad to have let lt slip by, but it has to be ok when it does. Otherwise this is just too forced, and it has been a struggle far too often. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to keep sane. I got a decent sleep for the first time in weeks if not months. My stress levels are at an all-time high due to work issues and activities, and my son's unyielding belligerence. I'm discouraged and down. I have difficult decisions to make about how the rest of this year will play out for me on various fronts. I could use more consideration and understanding from those around me who otherwise expect me to be on-call  24x7. One is somebody I'm increasingly not giving a fuck about. The other is my son, which makes the situation all the harder. I guess this is the teen years, and learned, too.




I'm not sure what I'm gonna do with this journal. The cadence broke. I don't know that the point is. It's fun to look back, but I don't. Maybe i'll reserve the effort to write for when I have more to say than just that nothing happened, but less to say than warrants a full post.



I liked the daily gratitude aspect the most of all of the sections, and 'anticipation' too. Both made me stop and think of good fortune and things to come. And that has been a good practice.




Time will tell.

Got Tommy to 1st day Summer School - required more follow up but he got in. Met Lauren and Lucky at Starbucks - really nice start to the day. May repeat tomorrow. Work dialogs continue and I'm not happy with the situation but voiced my concerns and asked questions that needed to be asked. Good evening at home : BBQ'd Lauren's favorite TJ's beef strips. Her FitBit arrived too.

Gratitude: My best intentions

Goal: Be genuine

Anticipation: Further dialogs tomorrow

Accomplishments: Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Wonderful morning w/Lauren – Sweet Pea Cafe breakfast, mountain drive along skyline from 9 to page mill then to the Dish. 3.5m hike. Shake Shack lunch. Tommy returned from skiing 7.30ish.

Gratitude: Love of my kids.

Goal: Press for more and more independence and less catering.

Anticipation: Wondering what tomorrow's meeting will bring.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Hard admitting it but I'm pretty worn down. Work struggles, focus, drive, energy, outlook… as much as I try to maintain gratitude and hope, there's days that I just feel like I'm in denial as to the edge I'm walking.

Gratitude: Living in a world where my worst day might be somebody's best.

Goal: Head into the week with confidence that whatever lies ahead, I'll survive.

Anticipation: 1:1 time tomorrow w/Lauren and dinner w/Tommy when he's back from skiing.

Highlight(s): Backayard Lunch. Yum. Exec meeting cancelled. Ugh. Call from Matt McM. I'm starting to do some math and seeing some grim probabilities. Not sure what lies ahead. Tommy off to Tahoe till Sun.

Gratitude: hope

Anticipation: devils slide

Accomplishments: Mindfulness

Highlight(s): Nice AM w/kids. Onsite exec planning was productive but challenging. More to come. Walked Dog on Campbell loop - 2.5m.

Gratitude: Espresso infused vodka and cream.

Goal: Hard deep uninterrupted sleep.

Anticipation: Continued exec dialogs.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Highlight(s): Kids hung out until 9.30, after scrum. Worked on Q3/Q4 strategy needs. Lots to try and juggle. Going to get busier before we get stable from making some big focal changes. Got Lauren, picked up Tommy from Leigh, got food, settled in, played w/dog. Tommy hung with kids on Matson riding bikes and just being kids. Hard letting go of a sense of need to control things. Feeling overwhelmed. Too many distractions needs expectations responsibilities. Need to reduce.

Highlight(s): Deep dive strategic meeting today. Focused on core and ancillary business needs. Tommy showed scout video at Court of Honor to positive feedback. HOT day #2.

Gratitude: Love of my kids.

Goal: Flesh out game plan for Q3/Q4 work

Anticipation: Kid-inclusive dinner tomorrow.

Watched/Read/Listened To: The Untethered Soul

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Temps hit 100 today. DAMNED hot. Took the dog to Starbucks to get coffee. Tried leaving him tied up while getting refill and he joined me in line. Wriggled out of harness somehow. Decent work-day. Stayed inside at home. Walked dog later and ran back/forth in yard too w/his burst of energy.

Gratitude: Having A/C.

Goal: Make more aggressive progress on weight loss

Anticipation: Onsite meeting tomorrow. Not all anticipation is good, though.

Watched/Read/Listened To: The Untethered Soul.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Highlight(s): Kids stuck around a bit longer while Tommy finished video project for scouts. They're in Santa Cruz tonight w/their mom, staying overnight. Nice! Focused on 'standing day' w/good success… sat rarely, stayed up working through laundry and cleanup and such.

Gratitude: Air Conditioning. Gonna be 100º tomorrow. UGH.

Goal: Work focused readiness for week ahead.

Not the best sleep. Irritable most of the day. Dog peed on the bedroom floor around 3am but I think it was isolated incident - will make sure he gets a pre-sleep walk in. May return to crate - TBD. Took him to LG Vet - booster shots and such. $160 out the door. Welcome to pet-ownership. Breakfast w/Lauren and Jen and Dog at Stacks. Haven't been back in years, now I remember why. Left kids along while going to Mark/Lynn dinner party. Returned, walked dog, closed up shop. Left Tommy to work on his scout video as it's his last chance to finish before Tuesday.

Gratitude: Kinda irritable today. Grateful that I am able to provide for my kids still. As I age that's getting harder to maintain.

Goal: Continue reading the untethered soul.

Anticipation: Focused day of cook/clean/work tasks tomorrow. Sorta hope to not drive after dropping kids at Pano and just get some key tasks managed.

Pretty full day. Called Paula en route to work and taked about 20min. Good sprint retro/planning. 1:1 w/Marlin discussing some strategic changes in weeks ahead. Lots to process/determine as to role/needs and impacts. PM with kids, simple dinner. Marioni's for drinks/dessert. Good time w/them. Tommy in the end reminded me of Ordinary People and "Buck" character's charisma in the flashback scene in their backyard. Lauren was so helpful too. Just love them, and Jen. Nice to be happy in my home.

Watched/Read/Listened To: The Untethered Soul

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Parenting

Busy work day. Kids with us tonight. "Straight up" motorcycle group rode through the area and the kids and I chased after them so Tommy could get some pictures and video. Not a fan of the risks but it was still interesting to see. It appears Tommy will be needing to attend summer school for math :-(

Gratitude: the consciousness of wanting to be my best

Goal: RWC - connect with others

Anticipation: BBQ with Marioni's

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Met up at Philz w/the extended gang and worked remote for the day. Coordinated 1st Ukraine hire and Eugene's trip and subsequent PTO. Wild that it's coming together. Heavy focus day w/little time offline. Jen came home and we took Scottie for 2.5m walk in Campbell and he loved it. Needed it.

Gratitude: Grateful to have talked Keto this am w/Monty and feeling refocused.

Goal: maintain a mindset that over 180 = immediate and consistent effort to return to preferred weight.

Anticipation: really hope to complete optijn cloning tomorrow.

Watched/Read/Listened To: Last Week Tonight.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Highlight(s): Dropped kids off at school this am. Next time I see them they'll be out of school for the summer. Good interview w/potential Ukraine candidate. Lunch w/BL. Stayed indoors w/dog due to 90º heat. Ran Tommy's scout-shirt to Pano, dog happy to see Lauren (of course).

Gratitude: Having shelter from heat and cold - something we take for granted but not something everybody has.

Goal: Diet change. Dairy, Grains, Spices are all problematic these days.

Anticipation: Getting some focused work done tomorrow.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Cleanup

Went into RWC after dropping kids off. Anticipated meeting w/RP to review options for OPS needs being addressed but factors arose making it clear the idea was just not well timed so we'll work around it as necessary. Didn't eat until late afternoon. Kids dropped at 6.30, Tommy immersed in homework all night.

Gratitude: Knowing Tommy is doing his schoolwork.

Goal: Keep managing food choices well.

Anticipation: Lunch w/BL tomorrow.

Watched/Read/Listened To: The Untethered Soul - just started it.

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

The God Damned Regret

It seems I am, forever, regardless of intent and effort, destined to play the villain in the drama that is my ex-wife's perspective on our divorce. It's been some time since I've written about any of this. It's been my intention to never do so again. I want to close this chapter. But throughout my silence, the drama continues, and my avenues for release of the tensions are few. Mediation has helped immensely, as has a focus on limiting the daily demand I take on or distractions I allow, and as has taking to heart a few routine reminders I've setup on my task list that help me maintain a clear perspective, including "She will never forgive me" and "LIVE what you feel in your heart, DAILY.", one specific to how I want to manage my response to the sort of things I receive, like the message I received today.

A long but eventful day, in mostly positive ways. Early rise and a spur-of-the-moment run to Starbucks w/the dog. Kids were late due to Tommy's shower timing but once they arrived we took the dog to the dog park and hung out until 12, at which point we took Tommy to Monterey for Free Dive Certification classes while we got some lunch, beach-time with the dog, and coffee. A good Taqueria after and a return home to help Lauren with a play project and some pickup/prep for the next day.

Gratitude: I love my kids character - both of them are good people - I'm proud of them both

Goal: Weight's getting to be an increasing issue, literally, and I need to use this week to reverse a bad pattern.

Anticipation: Talking tomorrow w/exec's about putting RO on OPS tasks.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Highlight(s): Bad night due to over-indulgence in Aqui Sangria Swirls. Bed spins and all. Awful feeling most of the day. Had to bail out of attending Phillip Lowe memorial and hoping Maritn understood. That sucked. Managed to recover enough to ride w/Jen and Marya to Martin Ranch for their food pairing event. Hung back w/Scottie and ended up in a sap and burr struggle. Got back in time to get my mom and Lindsey and dine at Mezzaluna. Fantastic meal and great outing. Loved that we had a chance to get out and will continue working to do so w/a Phils Seafood or Tomato Thyme outing in July. Returned to the usual happy-dog reception. Beat but full and fulfilling end to a hard-started day.

Gratitude: The appreciation of family and recognizing that time is limited for all of us.

Goal: Instill the same in my own kids.

Anticipation: Living long enough to reap those rewards.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness