I am torn. I have the compulsion here to dive deep into the I am day and dissect the many moments spent doing memory-worthy things, such as breakfast with Tommy or taking my mom to chemo treatments—the delivery of the range that Jennifer will enjoy using over any comprised second choice. Playing with Lucky. Enjoying a wonderful jazz performance and being introduced to "Here's to Life" in an almost scripted fashion. I want to dive into all of this more extensively, but I am fading, and will simply capture the bullet points here, for now. "Here's to Life", indeed.

Of Happiness

As I was working through the garage, clearing clutter, consolidating spacing and making space to store the range being delivered borrow, I decided to move the outdoor space heater into the backyard. It will be used more as the evenings cool, but the core motivation is making space.

While dragging it out, which can be a challenge, I was distracted by the relatively aggressive squawking between a pair of bluejays. I have an auditory trigger and a fondness for their sound, dating back to the age of 13 when a visit with the family to nearby Bag Basin Park introduced me to their deft skill of catching airborne peanuts. Most recently, though, I associate them with the Jikoji Zen Center property. They are the soundtrack to an otherwise silent meditation, audible even over Zoom. It is typically a comforting sound, yet in this instance, it was more shrill, almost panicked than usual. And part of it was coming from the ground, not above.

It was at this point that I noticed one of them lying upside down, squawking and thrashing about, while the other responded from one of the neighboring trees. My first assumption was that it had somehow hurt a wing, as it was struggling to right itself without success. I approached it slowly, speaking softly so as to hopefully convey not being a threat, but who knows if that registers to a bird as benevolence. They did, however, slow down their thrashing and eventually did end up on their feet again. Sitting almost frozen in place while I quickly ensured the dog's access to the yard was blocked.

I told Jen what was transpiring before going back out to check on things. He was still in the same position while continuing a dialog with the other bird, although less responsive to them than they had been when first encountered. I sat at a distance, googling options for helping an injured bird. Jen joined me. As we talked over a few ideas, they started to thrash about again for a brief moment, then simply collapsed on its side.

It was difficult to know if they were resting, passed out or just straight up and died. It was the latter. After going up close to confirm, I placed the bird into a box and then into the organic waste container. Assuming that was appropriate. As I did so, the remaining surviving bird continued to chirp repeatedly while coming closer and closer, to the point of resting directly above the open canister in which the carcass of his suddenly departed friend lay motionless.

It was sad. Poignant. Moving. Grounding. Ultimately, it was "just a bird" amongst likely hundreds of thousands of identical ones scattered all across the valley, let alone Northern California. Hundreds likely die every day. Just not in my backyard, as I watch and connect to the realities of the fleeting nature of my own life.

I routinely wrestle with a nagging desire to somehow live a fuller and more productive life, to do more with whatever time I might still have. That will be the book, by the way. Still in the initial imagining, I must maintain and increase my focus on it.

"Late at night, when the wind is still, 
I'll come flying through your door. 
And you'll know what love is for."
- Paul McCartney



Highlights: I took it upon myself to make dog food instead of falling back on Ten, allowing her to work. It was easy and rewarding to do so. I then started the work to sort and organize, even earmark for donations, the excess crap in the garage that needs to be cleared and consolidated.

Insights: I made a significant dent. I also took a break from my usual obsession with all things introspective, and revisited the cine-files, my favorite movie-related podcast. They took an "Ordinary People." with such insight and reflection, and it felt good to know how others shared similar associations to the powerful characters as genuine and complex humans navigating tragedy in very different ways. I am pacing for part two. Its inspirational.

Mindset: Dismayed and disappointed - licking self inflicted wounds caused by poor choices over dinner resulting is sleep issues. Arm pain returned too, all night. It's appearing to be spine related issues as suspected.
Goals: Belmont visit. Eagle plumbing bid. Making dog food. Garage space clearing for the range.
Anticipation: more pleasant weather.
Wants: To have not "cracked" my neck so casually in my youth. It has caught up to me.

Highlights: A pleasant Saturday. The morning was spent going to reStore and showing Jen the range. It'll be delivered on Wednesday. We did some shopping for dog and human food needs and returned to spend the day enjoying the home. I got through 2020 on the photo book effort, gaining traction and hoping to complete it by EOM. The day concluded with a casual visit with Marc and Christy and plans being made to bike with Marc & Marc next week.

Insights: Balancing desires, wants, needs, and options can be a challenge while having the options, needs, and desires are all gifts. I have had periods in my life of relative apathy. I may again someday, but for the moment, I appreciate what I have including inspirations.

Mindset: Anxiously annoyed. I've let a time critical goal slip and need to get back on track. I have a job to do. I need to see it through on time.
Goals: Minimize the delays by keeping the ancillary actions at bay. A quick visit to reStore and ensuring space for the range is made is enough. Tough decisions lie ahead in donations to Cancer Society of Linda's remaining legacy items that neither of the kids have true history with or exposure to.
Anticipation: Not having the A/C turn on once all day.
Wants: Everyone of value to me to know that they are that.

Highlights: The Caretaker Friday meeting on a Thursday. Doing the Hazmat drop & reStore shop (the Viking find needs follow-up) with Tommy and Mark. The Antipasta's Meatball sandwich (Original Joes lost their position). The realization that my recent arm pains are my herniated discs acting up, as feared, and forgotten. Oops. I took a low-key ride tonight to try a few ergonomic charges out while also accepting that aging as an immediate reason to revisit my daily physical conditioning. Now.

Insights: "This might be the wine talking, but I love this wine!" That's on a dishtowel in our kitchen and on my mind as I reflect on the past few days and my gut feelings about my focus on mindfulness and introspection. "This might be the mindfulness talking, but I love mindfulness." I love being aware of the moment, in the moment. Heartlifting and heartbreaking. I love knowing as it happens how incredible it is to experience all that is life in a single word and action: Living.

Mindset: focused on simplicity. Focused on focus. Recognizing that the distractions I encounter and perceive as necessary that keep me from completing personal goals, can wait. I want to accomplish something significant by the end of today. And I know what it is.
Goals: see mindset :-)
Anticipation: A great sense of satisfaction before the day's end.

Circa 1969 antique booger-magnifier (childhood use case)

Highlights: The house got well-cooled overnight, which helped delay the A/C needed to battle 93° temperatures. The hike with Dom was excellent. Villa Montalvo is a stunning place to walk amongst the trees. Scottie's walking continued to improve. I spent an hour or so at Mom's and will return Wednesday. En route, a car making a lane change in front of me hit and shattered a large piece of plastic like a paint bucket, and the debris missed me by 1 foot. I met Frank for coffee and had a fascinating discussion about science, consciousness, the ego and the default network, all sorts of stimulating and thought-provoking things. The red "dog ball" arrived, much to Lucky's excitement but less so to his tender gums. I rode with Mark along the perk ponds in Almaden, through the villages surrounding the neighborhood, out to the dog park on Mendian, and then back to the Zinnia and Harwood and Bel Gatos homes. I ended the day with Jen, enjoying the cool air that finally broke 73° at 11 pm.

Insights: One of the many realizations I have been experiencing throughout the past few years while following a mindfulness path has been the bittersweet recognition that the past I so fondly look back on now as such pivotal periods of my life were spent ignorant and unaware, at the time, of how being fully present would have made it all the more significant at the moment. That's an insight gained over time. That's the place I aspire to reside now. Here. Experiencing the sunset on a warm summer air as richly as any novel or screenplay might represent it. The evening walk, holding hands with Jennifer. The balance of history, respect and gratitude I have for the St Francis statue I allow my dogs to pee on without ill intent. Seeing my dog doing better while staying conscious that it will happen again. Tearing up as I try to communicate my heartfelt appreciation to my mom while she's alive to hear it at a deep human Level. Recognizing the affection my kids showed me could stop at any time. All of these moments, these days, are moments I may reflect on in ten years, with the satisfaction of having fully appreciated them at the time, too.

Mindset: Balanced - apathetically apprehensive. The day will bring what it brings. My role is to maintain a stable perspective.
Goals: Photo book and writing.
Anticipation: Hike this am with Dom.
Wants: Momentum.

"Sukers walk, money talks…" - Sammy Hagar

My daily routine, the morning one, is well established at this point. So much so that my controlling nature mandates my getting up to attend to the rituals as a means of assuring the universe, my minuscule segment of it, maintains it's order. Dog's pee, dishwasher runs, coffee grounds get tossed, windows, fans, and thermostats are aligned based on the morning forecast and as often as possible I sit meditating on the non-existence of thought. Occasionally something metaphorically blocks the path, taking me off task in order to address it often at the cost of my universe's stability. Today that something was a limping dog. He seemed fine last night, but struggled to stand this morning. He's aging, this is not the first instance, and they are increasing in frequency. And seventy. We pretty much quarantined him to a makeshift pen to constrain all movement while allowing the injury to heal. Hopefully.

Tommy and I returned to Loch Lomond this morning after at least 10 years. It was poignant and poetic to do so. I know it was as special for him to be there with me as it was for me to return with him.

Scottie's presence in our bed can be problematic. I wanted a qreen size bed for space savings and to be closer. The dog in the middle makes for complications. Yet I love him and appreciate how integrated he is in our daily routines. Lucky too, but he's got other complexities. Lauren returned to Sac and I got a lot of action items addressed. Board stuff, bills stuff, bike stuff, stuff-stuff. We visited my mom at dinner. She struck me as vividly present while physically compromised. Her age is showing and it's been a dramatic change even within the last 6 months.It struck and stunned me to so suddenly notice her thinning hair and her fractured stature, I am becoming more conscious about her limited time. The significance her death will have on the remainder of my life is immeasurable. She has been so instrumental in my life story, with consistency, and as much as a friend as as a parent. What a gift it has been to have her as my mother. All of my focus on impermanence will not spare me the pain of the loss of access to her. For now, at least. She already lives on in me. What might it be like to be the last one standing amongst family and friends? That's where she is. I always assume I'll attend all the funerals and have only a scattered few younger association on hand. Yet maybe I'll be the first to go. If so, yeah, I want a packed house.

Mindset: mild sense of overload. I have several plates spinning with projects and commitments. Its a pattern I tend to self-inflict by underestimating complexity. Lauren's returning to Sac this am. I love the feeling of a full house, and of an empty one too. It's good to have both in any given week.
Goals: clear some time critical demands.
Anticipation: Biking tonight
Wants: I could do without the 90+ degree weather returning but at least I seem to have managed the A/C costs. The bill was $120 higher than last month due to the heat - that's a lot but it's been worse and now, it's becoming a sport to optimize and keep costs down.

Today was substantial in the realm of significant days and life experiences. For Lauren. For me, too, as a parent, but only as a supporting role in her life story. Having followed up on her introspection and research, what she found, and allowed me to help initiate an appointment to evaluate, has resulted in a clinical diagnosis of CVI. This is huge, as it confirms her suspicions and reveals the paths she will follow next. It's not "good," yet it is, It's a starting point. The doctor, the very same one who performed her first surgery when she was barely two years old, indicated that we should also revisit some other parallel syndromes. And as far as this goes, she falls on the "lighter" side of severity. She has managed very well with her limitations, and she has only been working to understand them better during the past year. I am so impressed with her. She took me to see "Inside Out 2" tonight, and in the final scene, when the "sense of self" was made up of all the pro and con experiences, those which make us whole, human, flawed and l innately good, I thought of them both. They have each come into their own. I am stunned at times to consider the impacts of the last ten years and of their having lost their mom. I hope I have given them the stable foundation they need, including my learning to listen and not discount or dismiss. I anticipate a diminishing role soon. That seems healthy and natural, and bittersweet too.

Mindset: Grateful for what I see as so much healthy development of the dynamics within our family "cohort".
Goals: Maintain this gratitude through the natural process of learning, growing and even separating into further independence and next chapters.
Anticipation: SF visit with Lauren.

The weather’s change, cooling down, in tandem with some overcast mornings and gradually later sunrises, is becoming apparent. To not lament and complain about anything (as it only changes my own perspective to do so), I feel an appreciation for being aware of it. Paying attention, recognizing the passage of time in more detail and with more connection than the past 62 years, and feeling excitement about the Fall season on the far horizon. On my solo ride last night I ended up at 311 Carlton, the chemo treatment facility right around the corner. It was and always is a powerful reminder of impermanence. I live daily with constant conscious reminders of a "passed life," which plays a significant part in my own presence. I tried to convey that to Tommy during breakfast. I believe he gets it. I admitted to and apologized for lying about the vape pen two years ago, along with the Colorado trip's significance. It felt liberating to do so. I don't want to live my life concerned about being honest, transparent or judged. It's sobering to step back and consider how limited our perceptions are due to our biology, how everything from sun exposure and exercise to caffeine, sugar and alcohol, to pharmaceutical supplements down to THC, mushrooms and ketamine all have various ranges of acceptance (or not) within the confines of a cultural and societal construct. There is a shift underway regarding stigmas and legacy beliefs from the psychological community all the way down to Zen Buddhist practices. In fact, I have one foot on each side at the moment, respectfully recognizing each other's aspirations and intentions, judging not, lest I be judged. I accept and support any safe path to living a life connected to awareness and evolution of compassion and recognition of shared humanity, energy, and influence. I'm equally aware of the need for education and oversight. There are so many aspects of negative impacts already evidenced by the stashes surrounding homelessness and crime due to abuse and addiction. Intention is a critical component, perhaps the single most.

Mindset: mild irritation at myself for delays in several projects and deliverables. A performance review is in order.
Goals: Start managing progress with more aggressive status reports and timeline oversight.
Anticipation: The inspiration that comes with commitment, follow through and measured progress.

The weather has finally cooled down slightly, enough to make for less need to hunker indoors while praying that the A/C does not go out. The idea of a bike ride was on my mind when Mark reached out with a similar idea. 2 hrs and 20 miles later we had woven around and about through Los Gatos, Monte Sereno, Saratoga and Campbell. I was particularly struck by going to both the perk ponds and to Risher park. Both hold substantial memories of the kids childhood. The board meeting went well and I believe there will be many improvements to come. we visited my man for dinner then attended the "Count Basie Orchestra performance at Bing Hall in Stanford. I gave Tommy the airsoft s back. He had a good hike with Gavin today that I think had a positive outcome.

"Nightdogs @ the Caspers"

Yesterday drained me, so I hope to use today to recover emotionally from what ended up being a challenging set of encounters. Caspers with Jen, Matt, and Laura was a wonderful and rewarding outing. Although far less significant in my life's history, It certainly played a role in my friendship with Matt for the short time I was visiting Sacramento. It's also an iconic building with a wonderful neon sign that feels like a moment frozen in time. Yesterday was its final day before closing. Because we each had other plans for the afternoon, we met a bit before 11am, and the line was minimal. The dogs were excellent- on par with Mark's in San Jose or Happy Hand in LG. We talked and ate and lingered for over an hour, and when we left, the line was going along the side of the building. It was a worthwhile pilgrimage. The second half of the day took a negative turn when Tomy and I locked horns over the disposition of his airsoft rifle and gun. It's unnecessary to dissect things here, but we were both quickly triggered (pun intended) by some assumptions of meaning and intention. I did well at first, keeping from reacting to an aggressive and confrontational response, but his persistence was me down to the point of walking out. It was resolved a bit later, and I recognize now that my initial rigidity can be unwarranted, while his full-blown verbally offensive attacks are never justified. It's been a while since we've had such an encounter. We've come a long way; a stumble does not undo success. It's just a growing pain. Yet it did emotionally derail me and set a tone for the evening that impacted my enjoyment of a dinner out with friends. I was less engaged than usual and perhaps even less patient in a few ways. My head was elsewhere and has been ever before that night. I feel a need for some focused time completing the 21st Birthday book and working on my own book, without continuing to allow lesser-priority needs or the pompous comments, directions and presumptions of others to impact my self confidence and belief that I can and will complete this to my own satisfaction. Opinions are like assholes, right?

Mindset: Curiously anticipating the ramifications of upsetting an apple cart, perhaps my greatest achievement so far In doing so, might it ultimately result in a better outcome for others than for myself? And ultimately would that not also be better for me on a deeper level?
Goals: Continued work on kids 21st.
Anticipation: Casper's - one last time.

How my mom eats ice cream…. 🤔 hmmm….

What a great couple of days. Time biking, interaction with friends, gaining my footing leading death cafes without-a-net so-to-speak. Starting on some needed simplification at Jikoji, a lot of this feels right. And the recent uncertainty relates to the risk taking necessary to achieve results in the face of hesitation. Oh, and the book continues to evolve in my mind like an embryo in the womb, thanks in part to the photos I'm actively reviewing and the continued pressing for more character backstories and motivations by the producer.

While creating a new calendar entry, the word "Pickup " presented auto-complete options from prior calendar entries. I'm not sure what's more noteworthy … that this 15+ year old reference to their preschool somehow followed me across all these years and apps, or that I had to be reminded to pick them up in the first place.

Highlights: My days seem to go well when I start the day with a focus meditation and some sunlight exposure, something ample in this time of year. I also found my way back to some familiar habits, and simple one's, too. It's a constant battle for me to constrain the impulse to get pulled into shiny new things when I have work to do. Real work, business work, writing work. I did manage to get through a backlog of paper based action items before going to get replacement tires for the e-bike. They cost more than twice as much but they are easily three times the quality and don't seem to be at all likely to cause safety issues. They were put to a test tonight on a ride with Mark and Tommy. Earlier tonight I won the cards game. Lauren shared getting a FASFA grant-yea! Today was a hot one… 96 high and tomorrow shows 99! We have seemingly managed our PGE well through this so far. I have put a lot of effort into refining the protocols to keep cool. We don't have a lot of options.

Insights: I enjoy Tommy joining us on the evening rides. He still makes an occasional smartass remark but I sense he's catching himself quickly and knows its unwarranted.Our time together is limited and I believe this is the best its ever been. I'm sure it's subject to change so I will enjoy what I can while I can. I continue to find far more to be grateful for than to feel otherwise about. Even with the undercurrent of tension and seeming animosity from my son, it's a side effect of growing up: it's  a no-win situation. When you approach it as needing to be something it is not, it simply falls flat and fails. Working with what it is and who it is has made the change and improvement possible.

Highlights: The new tires got swapped onto the bike courtesy of Mark, yet we quickly isolated an issue that has them slated for a return. The "bead" these tires have which is what holds them onto the rim, are crap. It's barely there and in one particular point, so minor that the tire kept coming off of the rim. Fortunately it was caught early and to ensure we did not have further issue I brought the portable air pump. We had to stop four times and this was a significant safety risk. The tire could have easily locked up and thrown me. Hard. So, It's time to visit a bike shop, I am bummed yet grateful nothing more traumatic occurred. Jen and I attended the pickup party for Ancora Vino at the Enoteca Storia restaurant. It was a lot of fun trying a wide range of unique wines from various places.

Insights: Gratitude for good fortune can come in the form of recognizing how something inconvenient could have been something tragic. Stepping outside of a comfort zone to express feelings you know might be challenging to gain acceptance for can be all that matters once you do so, as it's honest and genuine.

Mindset: Reserved. Quiet. Fearless uncertainty.
Goals: Sorting, prioritizing, seeking inspiration.
Anticipation: a morning ride on new tires.
Wants: To think less and do more.



Highlights: Groggy waking - slow but, got in gear, walked dogs, etc. Visited mom briefly en route to The Forum. It was a great opportunity to reinforce our intentions. Jen hung out with friends, and I did some misc tasks online. I'm listening to a good "Huberman "on Cannibus. Fascinating!

Insights: I continue to focus awareness on impermance and my own actions, and inactions. I feel stuck. Writers block, of sorts. Reading and listening to author podcasts helps, and will be utilized tomorrow.

I dropped my car at Leigh and returned with Tommy from the night before. Cindy came to visit Jen. It's always fun when she does. I got a 6-mile ride this morning up Harwood to Bel Gatos, over to Sierra Azule & Shannon, and back down a path I have not ridden on for at least 10 + years, if not double, maybe once. It brings back memories of constant rides with Tom in 1997. Wow. Today's board meeting resulted in my being on the board with 3 others. A baton is being passed, and I hope to effect positive zen-based improvements. When I got home, Christy was over to visit Jen. Popular, eh? Tommy and I went on a one-wheel and e-bike to Marks, and the three of us went over 85 to Hogue, then between Union and Canden, all around—yet another epic night, and a bonding one, too. How did I get here? How did I possibly earn this? This life, this home I never imagined returning to, the rapport with my kids, recovering from a decade of difficulties, this accepting and supportive partner... all of this. Every day. It all warrants an aggressive presence and constant awareness of impermanence.

My God, it's been hot. Today is supposed to hit 99 around 4 pm, and it will be back below 72 again at 1 am Sunday. The insanity is made worse by the deluge of cars inching their way towards Santa Cruz in search of cooler conditions. The only sane move will be to shelter in place. We plan to visit my mom, but I wonder if her place might be too hot to be safe. She has a portable AlC unit that I will try to set up for her today. Last night's bike ride and introduction of Mark to Mare went well. Fifteen miles and two hours later, we returned to Marc's place. The evenings are lovely to enjoy but not worth the negatives of the cost to keep the home bearable. The A/C can not keep up with the baking sun and loses the battle around 4 PM daily, struggling to hold its position against the sun's force against an unsheltered home. It would be welcome to return the mulberry trees to the front yard.

Cooking Grease Recycle Containers Leak In Extreme Heat

Highlights: Lauren returned to Sacramento at 8:53. I spent about an hour drinking my own coffee at a table in the shade of Philz in Cupertino marketplace before picking my mom up and taking her to Day 1 of the next chemo round. It's a shorter one- only two days of shots and the week of venetaclax. She is in excellent spirits. The meds, the counseling, or both are helping. The shortened and reduced amount this time will hopefully lessen any emotional impacts. T took me to lunch at L. G. Cafe: We split an omelet and corned beef on rye. Mark and a friend arrived as we set the bill, and we confirmed dinner at their place. Tommy suggested going to an earlier showing of Despicable Me 4, and we did, which felt also like a bonding opportunity. Tommy showed up for dinner at the Mariani's unexpectedly which was nice, too. I believe he has demons to wrestle and hope that while we are in a good space, he feels safe getting in that ring. Mark and I rode through Bel Gatos, Harwood and Loneldill. These rides inspire me to write about life with a focus on character. I know, me?? I agree. And therein lies the problem.

Don't Ask. You don't want to know.

Highlights: Lauren came down last night on an evening train. She took me to breakfast at LG cafe, and Tommy too. She and I drove to Santa Cruz via 17 and back via Highway 9. We stopped at "SWAG," and I perused their records for a while. I found nothing I wanted, and I already had several. We returned in time to endure the 101° temperatures. We laid low, ran a couple errands and while doing so, got a call from Lauren's op finutrest that her contacts were in. They wanted to schedule an appointment and I said "how about now? " . They actually had an opening at 6pm. We took it. After getting then we all went to dinner at Andale. The mesquite chicken salad's still the best. Lauren gave me two nice camping chairs and Tommy gave me a bike helmet, gloves and camelback. Jen picked up dinner AND dessert at Salt & Straw. I dropped the car at Leigh to charge, and walked back with Lauren. Tommy asked If I'd like to go on a ride - meaning my bike and his one-wheel. We stopped by Mark & Wendy's, then went to Alta Vista, Camino Del Cerro, Loma Vista and back again. The heatwave is expected to continue for another five days; I'm grateful to have AC and hope the power stays on. I received many birthday wishes from the usual folks and a few surprises of significant history. I feel loved and accepted as an imperfectly good person. Just like them.

The Wilder Side of Los Gatos

I planned to sleep in Sunday, as I had intended and even requested the night before. I routinely get up first and manage the dog's routines before starting my own, and when asking Jennifer Saturday night if she'd attend to the morning routine with the dogs so I could sleep in, I was reminded that I need only ask, which I was doing, confirming I need not be reminded. Circular logic can be a curse, alongside being an inherently earlier riser stricken with a compulsion to get up when I wake up and it's already bright outside.

Although Jennifer works from home, our daily dynamic shifted from the less structured nature of mutual unemployment once she began starting her days being online and working before 9. The day being Sunday meant our weekly uninterrupted blocks of time were 50% over. She was gone Saturday to visit her Roseville-based friend Judith at a midpoint outlet mecca in Vacaville, and our evening was spent at a neighbor's 20th wedding party.

Sunday was wide open with no plans, and I wanted to optimize the possibilities. At 7 a.m., I rolled over and kissed her as a way to nudge her through those last few levels of consciousness between the waking transition and being cognisant and responsive. "I'll get 'em pee'd and fed, you get up and ready to walk them, then we'll head out for coffee." I said.