Influential Wreckage

It's raining. And man, I love the rain. I'm sitting in our living room as it rains. And man, I love our living room. I have rainy day music playing on the speaker around me, including a pair tucked discretely below the '60s console in a manner intended to blur the line between 60 decades, in conjunction with the rest of the room's decor. And man, I love music too.

As it rains, for whatever reason, a moment of melancholy crosses my mind. I know, crazy, right? Me? But I roll with it, and sitting in this space, physically and emotionally, I reflect on how Linda died in a manner she dreaded, directly on multiple occasions, ever possibly having to endure.

And yet, it happened. Or... and then, it happened.

Thus ends another day filled with so many briefly passing moments stacked against each other that they effectively block the bottom ones from view. I don't know how I managed daily life and a full-time job. Then again, I had not signed up for 1/4 as many other things. I started the day with a good remote sit and it worked well. It gave me a lot of ideas to work from. I met with Johnathon for a cake wall. Le le cake, that is, being the local spot nearby for a $6 cappuccino. I might start bringing a thermos. Good walk, though. Got my 2-mile minimum met. Got a surprise text from Mary, with reference to today being the 83rd birthday of the woman who posed for the now-iconic "Whipped Cream & Other Delights" album in the early 60's. One of my favorite childhood memories. white in a continued text conversation a her, a message from Jon F. popped up and the preview was the exact same content about the exact same woman's 83rd birthday! The timing was impeccable, and note-worthy (pun modestly intended.) I went about what was intended to be a 2hr limited focus on Jikoji tasks that stretched to about 3 or so longer. I just kept finding things to fix and address. I heard from Bryan about the board post and they want to punt my appointment to June so they can replace the departing "brown robe" with another brown robe. I'm all for it, it's a justified and wise call. In other news, my mom had another computer issue arise, related to what sounded to me like the laptop power running out. I was right! Whew. As I shared with J. S., part of trying to adopt a buddhist mindset includes recognizing that interruptions and inconveniences are opportunities. I'm just grateful that she's still alive and relatively independent. Scottie on the other hand is showing signs of slowing down. He's about 10 now and may start declining. The vet already implied (outright said, actually) that his eyesight is beginning to be limites. Sigh. Yet, what a gift to have had this time and all that still lies ahead. See what I did there? 🙏

I woke early enough to join deepbow for an online morning sit. It does make a difference to do so, and Jikoji is considering a similar extension of their online options beyond Sunday programs and routine events. It's quite a unique opportunity for me to build connections between two entities working to create a space of unity, practicing a philosophy of inner connection and mindfulness of our shared humanity. Both seem fine, too, with my parallel interests, yet I only have so much to contribute to each and still have time to move forward with my other needs and projects. My meeting today was deferred, but I look forward to hearing what Rich has to share from his exposure to grief counseling. A timely opportunity arose today with compassion and choice for a seminar on the same topic. I will be attending that one, too. It struck me the other morning when reading journal entries from Linda's final days that a component of grief for her death is interwoven with my own grief reconciling my own mortality. I have certainly come to a place of greater understanding and acceptance, but on a less "enlightened" level, this sucks. I don't want it to end but I do, because knowing that it will is what brings about a greater appreciation for all of the little moments in a day. I caught myself again this evening, and prior in the day too, getting irritated or making judgments, but then stopping. Quicker that before. Yea, progress. I made brocolli cheddar soup for the potluck that we went to tonight. It was delicious and Jen got to meet more of the residents. I appreciate how easily she opens up and connects to people in a natural genuine manner. Zero Pretense, just her genuine self. We ended the day playing Farkle with Lauren over zoom. It's a nice way to stay connected from a distance. I'm old, old enough to remember how "SciFi" the idea of a video call was in the early 70's, and now its a reality. My dad would be beside himself if he could see all this futuristic stuff playing out. Especially the cloning.

Mindset: Introspective intrigue. After an evening spent recognizing that the path ahead is leading me to a place where I expect to find a way to balance some of my inner demons, they attempted a coup. Between the ask to borrow the BMW, my reflex judgments, and the dog's presence between Jen and me, irritation, offense, and anger all struggled to take the wheel. In those moments, I recognized how ingrained the nature, or my particular habits and insecurities, are. Yet I managed it, with only a modest bit of weaving visible in the brief moments where I had to keep my eyes on the road and resist releasing my control. It worked. I attribute that to having just spent time considering all of my aspirations. I was ready, not caught off guard, and these were petty annoyances, not significant concerns. I still count it as a win and an affirmation of intention and capability. I got up in time to join deep bow for a morning meditation. I am considering ways to maintain the onsite routine, so that when I am in person, I am in harmony. It's interesting to think through the aspects of this journey and realize that the routines I found foreign a little over a year ago are now seen as a way to focus on a goal I have had for decades - setting aside time each day to consider my priorities and choices to be aware of things most in need of my time and attention. I don't mean yard work, dishes and an oil change. I mean where I can make a difference in my attitude and actions that might move our collective experience toward more connection, compassion, and humanity, within my minuscule circle of influence. Yet the dishes keep getting in the way.

Highlights: "fed n bed" the dogs and slept in with Jen. Felt like an old school Sunday. Came across some writing from Linda's final days that surprised me with an emotional impact of lingering sadness and disbelief. I strive to see it from a place of release for her and an path for me but man, it was and remains a brutal ending to an unnecessarily unhappy road for her. Jen and I then enjoyed another deep conversation, tackled some tasks and listened to a few podcasts. I even did some light reading. The more I crane my neck down the precepts road, the more I realize it's going to be a challenging path, while having some significant impact on my own ideals and ideation. Metaphorically walking the ethical walk, as it were. I keep striving for consistent conscious awareness and this is the path to that. Missed an opportunity to do zoom games with Lauren tonight but will try again tomorrow.
Gratitude: This life. This wife.

If I named this cat, I'd call it Rorschach.

Woke to a stunning pink sunrise. Woke Jen to see it too, while acknowledging that it's another great start to another day we get to share without knowing fully what lies ahead. My latest mindset is that every day is like the 'next episode' in the series of our life story. It's a drama, a comedy, a tragedy and a love story spanning well beyond our own, but our increasing sense of connection to everything and everybody we encounter. We had a great walk with the dogs and an interesting conversation along these same lines. We stopped by my moms, met the cat she's acquired through a series of events that are yet to be fully resolved or addressed including it's pregnancy. We snagged our Kiwanis PGA attire at the new Savers near Matt B's home and grub from GOBM next door. We went to Mark and Wendy's and had dinner with their family before playing Taboo and enjoying some lounging and conversation. We're grateful to have so many options, so many friendships, so many people to care about and connect with. It's encouraging to recognize that the more I reveal of my growing interest in trying to adopt a "stozendao" mindset, the more I find others sharing similar thoughts, ideas, interests and intentions.

Highlights: SUCH a substantial day. I ended a week at Jikoji after a great sleep last night (finally), a satisfying Zazen, an informative and engaging breakfast and morning meeting, the chance to have a rewarding conversation with a practitioner that allowed me to share much of my recent experience in a way that I hope helped them, an initial discussion with Michael engaging on accepting the precepts in parallel with receiving the long-awaited painting that has as much densely layered history and meaning for me as it does paint, and of course, returning home to Jen, Tommy, and the dogs. Jen and I are on parallel paths of late regarding further recognition of shared philosophies regarding our lives, how we came together and how we want to be in the world. That we're having these experiences is so rewarding and validating. It makes an amazing difference to recognize our good fortune, the friends we have, all the experiences, good and bad, highs and lows, and even grief and loss we've experienced and will most certainly encounter again. It's all relative.
Gratitude: All this and more.

Morning Mindset: Continued contemplative consideration - returning home this afternoon and looking forward to doing so while being aware that the year ahead hopefully holds ample opportunity for ongoing development. There'll be lots of shit I have to deal with and don't like but that's the path. That's what life is. Mindsets matter.
Goals: test some Friday meeting updates.
Anticipation: hone and all that means to me
Wants: nothing. Right now.

Morning Mindset: restless recognition - I slept poorly. It was another one of those nights, where my mind kept racing over, multitude of ideas and inspiration, deep thoughts and reminiscences. Instinct. Impulse. Introspection. I continue to circle and size up the task of authoring something of significance and substance. It's coming to a combined vision where I weave the experiences of the last few years, a lifetime getting there, a narrative giving equal weight to every voice, encapsulating the complexities surrounding intention and interpretation while colliding with the pitfalls of expectations set against the absolute of impermanence. I'm thinking about is writing my experiences with Linda and Jennifer and the kids in a way that can convey both of the lingering heartache, lasting lessons, and shift in away from what should be into acceptance of what is. But with shorter sentences and smaller words. And maybe a cartoon or two. And color. Lots of color.
Goals: learn some zen processes. Maybe catch up on that lost sleep.
Anticipation: Sunshine.
Wants: To go home. I love it here. I just love it there more.

Highlights: it's been a long day of deep focused work, spent not on my inner presence, but getting in "the zone" and implementing streamlined processes and validation for managing events across multiple resources. It's one of those nerd things. All that being said, I did manage to get a lot of opportunity to enjoy misty mountains and rainfall, and a couple of quality meditation sits as well. Tomorrow should bring some sunshine and scattered clouds. I plan on tying off some loose ends before taking a nice long walk along the ridge. I had a brief chat with Frank about working further with mindfulness and aging. I'll have an opportunity next week to meet up with he and Rich and share insights. Between that, dinner plans Tuesday, Kiwanis based PGA commitments at Pebble Beach Thursday and an anniversary trip to visit friends in Rio Del Mar, my next week is looking pretty primed for adventure.

Morning Mindset: enthusiastically exhausted. Tommy came up last night to visit and we ended up hanging out in the community room with Katerina and Michael and Nenzen. Earlier in the day, Pamela and I brainstormed like well-aligned cogs and colleagues on how to go about managing the numerous opportunities to simplify and streamline. The processes related to everything from defining events to managing communications. It was excellent. It was totally in my zone.
Goals: burn through the checklist of things I've captured and defined prioritize actions, and start taking them. Take a walk later, when the rain has subsided, and maybe take the sunset from the ridge. I plan on doing an intermittent fast and perhaps a full-day fast just to reset some internals.
Anticipation: all of the satisfaction that will come from the work I'm focused on.

I would say that today was a highly productive work day. In fact, I think will. Today was a highly productive work day. Day one of my working-retreat at the Zen Center. I got a bit of retreat in during the morning and a good chunk of tasks managed thereafter. Zoom reworking, calendars, iPad setup, and of course every task uncovered other tasks to tackle. But I am enjoying the time and opportunity to be here, and to "be here now". The morning meditation was a struggle but the evening one was good. Lauren called with some news about the Res med recall from In 'n Out with Rosa, who said "hi" in the background. It was nice, as Lauren tends to sorta clam up on calls when she's with friends. It seems. Tommy also called a couple of times to share and discuss his conversations and opportunities with Dr. Trager. He has a great rapport and the dr. really want to help him grow through some classes and advancement. It's quite a stunning scenario. Also had a good call with Bryan about the board position and I remain optimistic that it will pan out. I'm not saying anything to anybody at Jikoji at this point because it's still hust talk and if it does come about I won't want it to effect anything regarding my practice and participation in the Sangha.

Highlights: It's raining and windy here at Jikoji Zen Center, where I've returned for my 1 year anniversary of having first stayed here last year starting 1/22. What a year. I hope to spend a good deal of time this week reflecting on the path that I've been on, contemplate the steps I'm taking next, but more than anything, stop thinking about what was and what might be and just enjoy the present moment. I think that's slowly sinking in as the baseline state of 'awakening' - not being caught in thought, but being engaged and atuned to every moment, in the moment. It's far easier said than done, that's for sure. But it's rewarding as hell when it happens. That'll be my focus for the week. That and all the things I hope to get addressed onsite this week with network issues, documentation, processes, blah blah blah.

Morning Mindset: tentatively transitioning - perhaps on a broad scale across multiple paths. The week at Jikoji is intended to be a focused work week, heads down doing tech related tasks, but I anticipate more. More opportunities, more challenges, more conflict and doubt too. All from various internal and external sources. Why? It's all conjecture and uncertainty but what is certain ever? Really, nothing. So I guess it boils down to what works for me innately, instinctively and naturally. With the consideration and opinion of others and without my internal insecurity and fear. Second guessing surfaces first, and it's there that confidence and potential get undermined.
Goals: Trust in myself over others. Nobody knows me like I do.
Anticipation: The possibilities and potential of a self directed path free from delusion and doubt.
Wants: To be on the screen and in the audience all at once.

High Lights: Jen took Adam to SJC. She learned that he'd not told his dad he was staying with us to avoid the backlash. That's all kinds of sad. Not how I'd like it to have gone but out of my control. See? Learning. Nice low-key day. Light rain. GOBM run. Snagged food for the Jikoji week starting tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Tommy wants to come stay one of the nights, which would be nice. I'll have to coordinate it. Went to Fujitsu Planetarium at DeAnza College with Jen for the "Dark Side of the Moon" laser show as Lauren, all the way up in Sacramento, at the same time was doing the same at their Planetarium. DSOTM FTW.

Yesterday was a decent day. Dropped Lauren at S. C. Transit station to catch the 8: 53 to Sacto. Returned sad but happy, and just in time for the weekly Jikoji meeting. I shared a few updates, got some positive feedback, and took action later in the day on documentation and scheduling process changes. It felt very satisfying to tackle the issues. Their need for integration between multiple sources of truth is text-book, from my experience, and I am on it. I'm starting to feel more confident and "adult "lately. At 62. I wonder where I fall on the bell curve. Adam and Jen walked to her childhood home and back. I sous-vide'd the Tri tip after 3 days of dry aging. Had I stayed by the BBQ instead of leaving it to flame wildly as the fat dripped and ignited, I could have prevented having put the house at risk! Much like the Matson event. I know I preach impermance but I don't want to burn my home down any time soon. I got lucky. The blue cheese from Tommy was wonderful. Likely one of the best I can recall having. Jen made chocolate ice cream. Tommy is off to Tahoe with his new friend, Dr Trager's son. Stephen, I think, We're glad he is making good connections and building out new relationships. Today we're going to chill at home. I have a handful of tasks I want to manage 'closing off' before going to Jikoji Sun-Fri, where my focus will be split between working aggressively to put some tech and process improvements in place while also revisiting my past year and looking ahead to what I want from 2024 from a spiritual place of presence and mental health.

Morning mindset: Attentive to nuance.
Goals: Attend to household needs before rains and my week at Jikoji.
Anticipation: call with Nevin & sous-vide tri-tip dinner.
Wants: To release a hold on delusions over what "should be".

Highlights: A good day all around. Picked up Adam, breakfast at Apple Fritters, costal drive and hike at Devils Slide, dinner at Tomato Thyme. Good conversations.
Accomplishments: Bryan called to ask me to join Jikoji's board of directors. Next steps to come.
Gratitude: That I was asked to be a board member is a big deal. Even if it fizzles out (who knows) it's still a rewarding recognition if not an intentional manifestation.

Morning Mindset: Serene. Stunning Sunrise. Coffee came out very well but I'm deferring drinking for 60-90 based on the science around ".adenosine levels".
Goals: Be present all day with Lauren and Adam and Tommy.
Anticipation: Sous Vide Tri-Tip.
Wants: To always be grateful to have had someone or something mean so much to me that it's eventful transition away, gradual or abrupt, is so painful to bear.

Highlights: A pleasant walk with Jonathon.. My home grind is narrowing in on my target, tomorrow's may be spot on, we will see. I took some time to write a few essays and now I have to let them "rest" for a couple of days and return and refine. I also made good on my intentions to reduce some tech dependencies. A macbook, watch, iphone, Kindle and remarkable all feel like overkill. There are opportunities to reduce redundancy, I am expecting to be using the remarkable more though Its a lot more productive for writing. Lauren is down, she arrived tonight, and we are getting Adam tomorrow morning at SFO.

> I got over my morning "case of the Mondays" pretty quickly. I am proud of having managed to maintain a healthy perspective, it helped. Eagle Plumbing swooped in and snaked the grease clogged drain. Twice. We're good for another 6-9 months depending on our household habits. I tipped him well in a 'paying it forward' manner. I know the bill goes to the company while he's out doing the work for a fixed rate. I stayed busy and focused throughout the morning including the timely rain gutter clearing and trimming back the branches from the neighbors tree before they grow into our power lines. I listened to a couple of hours of David Sederis's MasterClass on writing. I found it inspirational. Enough so that I started playing with a few variations on some works in progress. I like his approach to writing essays. He conveyed that rewriting is a constant aspect of writing – it's never really 'done', it's always a work in progress until it's been passed around and refined to an absurd point of exhaustion. I had lost that mindset over the past several years. I think it's an approach that'll be useful for me to revisit when I start weeding through the over 300 ideas waiting for my time and attention.

Morning Mindset: Irritable Resentment. Why? I have no external cause that I consiously recognize. Leaving only the sub-conscious level of influence to blame. I simply woke in a mood, crabby and cranky. I slept very well. I might attribute that to the melatonin Tommy gave me last night, or perhaps the absence of a night-guard played a role too? whatever the cause it remains that I woke in anger. Maybe it's tied to how my routinely being the first one up means i am on dog-duty. maybe it's the compounding daily disappoint­ment with the numbers on the scale. What strikes me as being worthy of my time, attention and consideration is my awareness of this , I was not following or falling into the mood – I was aware of it and removed enough to see it as temporary. That's a big step in the right direction for me. Being separate from thought and emotional venerability to response. 

Anticipation: A day on my feet, tackling some further home related needs. A day of limited technology too-trying to reduce impulse and distractions.

Morning coffee was good for a dark roast but far off target for my goal. Sigh. That was expected, though, but still a good and fun learning process. I took a replacement iPhone (7) to my mom's to replace the 5/SE she'd dropped and shattered. Of course, the screen cover was fine, but the phone was obliterated. WTF? I got her data moved over seamlessly and without a hitch. Lindsey was there, and they found a box of corn husk Christmas ornaments. When you consider the fact that she made things like the tiny cookies on the tray or the wrapped packages, you get a whole new level of respect for the craft of craft. Lindsey found and fashioned a special limited edition version to send to her dad. ROTFLMAO. Brilliant move. GOBM run to stock up on groceries in advance of Adam's visit Thursday. Lauren comes down Wednesday PM. I'm excited and Jen's happy that he'll visit for a few days. I have lots to look forward to and be grateful for. I also knocked out and sent the latest Jikoji newsletter and I'm coordinating with Frank and Rich on the "Forum" questionnaire.

Morning Mindset: Reflective. What's my priority as I wake and takes me off target in the realm of busy-work. The busy work will never cease but a balance would be nice. What's a distraction is also an attraction - it's a compulsion to act on what pops up in order to avoid a backlog of deferred action. Leaves. Sink clogs. Gutters. It's all the chaos of existence, certainly, but it can bleed over into a sense of identity, value, importance. If I'm not making things better, does my self worth diminish? I find it a challenge to resist the impulse to get involved yet shy away from it at the same time. This needs to be unraveled.
Anticipation: Nothing at the moment.
Wants: To stay conscious of the limitations the body has to see, hear, smell. We experience a fraction of existence yet ignore what's beyond our limited senses.

15+ years later and they're finally in the right order.

Highlights: Had a pleasant evening Saturday making raviolis at "Fuellemangia's" in Almaden. Enjoyed the whole process. Started the day today going back into plumbing issues. Fat/grease clogged sink. Tried DIY stuff but issue remains. Time to call a professional. I did manage to swap out the bedroom hall light out. Had to curse at the prior installation outcome as it was hacked, but done right this time. It was more work than expected. Joined the Jikoji Sunday Program online. Pulled out the spare iPhone 7 for my mom's use. Trying my 1/13 roast tomorrow (anticipating too dark.). Tommy went to Dodge Ridge with D. Trager and son+, and had a great time. Seems like a great step for his maturation to be building out friendships in areas of growth and interests. We're both quite happy for him. Ended the day playing "Farkel" with Lauren over Zoom. She in Sacramento, we in L. G.. It was great. We had sent her back on a prior visit with a cup and dice. Last week we talked about doing more video calls. It worked nicely. I 'am surprised at how "connecting" it felt. I want to do that more often and with others too. Jeri. David. whoever.

Morning Mindset: Balancing act - I have had to take on some unplanned tasks over the course of the last few days. It's been a challenging time given my intention to be grateful for even the annoyances. Then they started popping up and routinely at a point where I'm deep into something time critical. I've manage it… reasonably well. Pretty much. Yeah sorta. Today started with resuming interrupted efforts to address the buildup of grease clogging our sink. Tommy's fault. Told not to but still dumping beef grease into the pipes. I think he's understanding more now that is a problem. It's just another simple fact of home ownership that I should see as a blessing. We have a great plumber available and standing by while I try a few diy tricks. Tommy's gone for the day so we have the place to ourselves.

Goals: intermittent fasting
Anticipation: home time with Jen
Wants: to put together a realist view of our 2024 financials.

Morning Mindset: I continue to wonder how to best engage fully in the actions needed to get further traction on my business idea. I recognize that I missed an opportunity yesterday. I will have another and not do the same. I recognize the nature of avoidance still present in the taking on of other tasks that check a box and fulfill a sense off accomplishment and purpose, but not ones that move me further along the priority road. I have a sense of foreboding anticipation tied to things both expected and not. It's similar to the feeling I had entering 2021 that a major event lied ahead. But that's an easy blanket statement with no specifics. Look at me I'm Sylvia Brown. There'll always be some kind of challenge on the horizon until there is no tomorrow for me. So, ok, my control is limited and significance is inevitable. It's back to responding to it. That admittedly remains a challenge. After some time spent understanding my daughter's reflections and processing her experiences I let an annoying medical bill frustrate me beyond reason. I fell into the abyss of anger over the insurance and medical industries and the sense of having no control. Duh. I got myself back on track but it took focus and awareness to do so. It's an ongoing practice. At least I see progress. Significant progress in fact.
Goals: Clear clutter. Install hall light. Get a good walk in with Jen.
Anticipation: Making pasta I can't eat.
Wants: Patience and awareness that the annoying obstacles and diversions throughout all of my waking hours are my own choices, and that the return trip to retrieve from the room whatever I went into there to get a min ago but forgot once there, and only remembered once I left, are typical, comical, and it helps me hit my daily steps goals sooner :-).

Highlights: Dialed into Jikoji weekly meeting - didn't get up in time and had the 2nd event at 'the Forum' too, which went well. Very well. I felt good about my role and participation. I made dinner for us tonight - Pastrami, Swiss and Kraut. Awesome but would have been better had I not scorched the room of my mouth with hot beef. Jen and I put up the tension shelfs I picked up at the Midway Mall in Sacramento. The ones she loved and wanted are now in our home and it's a blast! It fits the decor quite nicely and frees up space that was a bit congested.

Highlights: a great am walk with JS. A good call with BIG team. And an overnight trip with Lauren to Lincoln. Staying at Thunder Valley Resort. Not a fan of casinos (smokers, gamblers) but it's a nice room. Had dinner. Watched some shows. Low-key.

Morning Mindset: Mixed Bag(gage) Carousel - trying to consciously manage a handful of needs while avoiding the trappings of "grabbing the wrong bag" - taking the wrong path, acting out of reflex, default mode thoughts. All the focus necessary means honing in on the finer details about what I pick up and take on.
Goals: Mostly home day tackling time critical tasks.
Anticipation: visiting my mom
Wants: More action. Less talk.

A classic example of Art Imitating Life

No photo can do justice to the awe-inspiring natural beauty of Yosemite Valley after a fresh drop of snow. The park was so vacant, we often drove or walked alone with nobody in sight (beyond the scattering of a few other guests). It was spectacular. We were fortunate enough to have gotten in right after a storm, to have next to nobody there, to get a room with an unbelievable view, to enjoy great food, and to witness something that was so pristine and evocative of so much wonder. The sunrise lit up the tops of the valley. The powder on the trees began being warmed by the sun, releasing fine particles flowing downwards in scattered light patterns of mist. Paths lead through a panoramic vista of bark, green leaves, white snow, and blue sky. It felt like a living, breathing Christmas card scene. And it pretty much was just that. We had a wonderful evening and morning, a casual, relaxing drive home, and another great bonding experience and memory to add to our collection.

Highlights: What's Not to highlight? Today was a day spent very aware of the many things I must be grateful for. Matt, Jennifer and I had breakfast at the the cafe, formerly the Iron Skillet, a place we frequented when we lived a short walk away. I felt closely connected to the dense history and the gift of the present, that we are still friends, and that he and our extended friends have been so welcoming of my return and of Jennifer, too. Tommy and I left for Yosemite around I am. It was a great drive. I felt more comfortable than ever before. He considered my comfort, and I concentrated on not being a control freak. It worked well. The drive into Yosemite was momentarily concerning due to a road blocked by a camper that slid off the road due to black ice. We had to stop and wait for a while. The Tesla struggled with traction, but Tommy managed it well, and once we were moving again, things were fine. I bought my 1st Annual Senior National Park pass. We armed in the Valley on the heels of a winter storm, "having done so the night before, and It was breathtaking. There are nowhere near the crowds we experienced in the summers. We got a nice room - we got moved into #223, where the view of Half Dome is just perfect. The dinner buffet included Prime Reb, Tri-Tip, Swordfish and numerous other sides and options. I went outside later in the evening to star-gaze. The sky was clear, and it was pretty impressive and humbling. This trip was just an idea Friday night, and here we are. Tommy's with me as I write before the giant fireplace in the grand hall. The music played by the pianist around the corner helps add to my gratitude for the richness of these senses colliding.


Morning Mindset: Stalled. Numerous initiatives feel stalled - weight loss, website, writing - yet it's more of a suspension based on navigating parallel paths while stopping at every scenic view along the way. Why? It's the journey, the present, the now. Destinations are end points, and important no doubt, but as Ferris said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it."
Goals: Relinquish more of the illusion of control.
Anticipation: Yosemite with Tommy.
Wants: To put this down for awhile.

Highlights: search/?string=previous+entries+with+reference+to+how+much+can+happen+in+a+day." Copy. Paste. Nice morning, dog walk, and manscaping after having to deal with the drawbacks of thick hairs around an anus. I know, TMI. Jen went to see her parents but got her mom on an 'off' day (default mode = provoker and pot stirrer) so that was disappointing. Yoshi brought his niece over to meet Tommy – she's visiting from Japan, is a couple years younger and has skin like porcelain. They spent some time together going over English language questions she had. It was a moment where I realized my age, that he's an adult, and I'm not fully detached from a sense of needing to parent, direct, engage, etc. I roasted another batch of coffee beans. I'm not going to know until tomorrow if they're closer to the target but of course I'm hoping so. The color, taste (bean), grind, smell are all promising. I'll report back. I also 'ate the frog' and swapped out the old garbage disposal for the new one. It took a bit longer but it worked out fine, just like the installation at Matson did. That is of course after I made the mistake of trying to rinse out the hose I took off… in the same sink… yeah… water everywhere, but not a lot, I kinda figured it out quickly enough. Tommy and I discussed an impromptu run to Yosemite. He's off all week and it's perfect conditions. We're going tomorrow and will return Monday night. Staying at the Awanee! It's about $100 more than other options but optimal and will be another lifetime memory. Sent Lauren a brief text letter sharing some hindsight regarding a recent conversation. I want her to feel such support. She's gotten through a lot and I'm starting to understand a good deal more than I had. I'm in that swapped position where I'm starting to hear my kids and comprehend some of their experiences as struggles. I'm becoming the Dad meeting his kid at the diner sharing a meal but having a stilted disconnection between perspectives on their shared life experiences. Speaking of life experiences Matt reached out to connect for breakfast tomorrow and once I realized tomorrow's Sunday I suggest the Iron Skillet. Near Loma Vista where we had a rental house and numerous shared experiences as we developed a lifetime friendship. And of course when he asked "Time?" I replied "We'd be down for whenever you'll be up". Dad jokes have origins.

P13@$3 $†0P I†!

Dear web designer/developer: PLEASE STOP capitalizing email addresses. It's not the first word of a sentence. It's not a noun. It's all lowercase. please@stop.it.

Webster, David & Alan Mitchell, circa 1960

Blah blah, Dad's birthday, blah blah, died too young, blah blah, conflicted histories, blah blah, sadness, blah blah. Anything I could write about my dad has already been written here before. I've woven his life into my narratives in relation to loss, parenting, humor, technology, and so much more. I won't belabor the point beyond acknowledging that he'd have been 90 today had he lived that long. But that's not likely to have happened even without the cancer. Whatever the case, he lives on in me and through me to this day. Speaking of this day, I dropped Lauren at the train station before returning home briefly and heading to the Forum for the 1st pass at participating in a Mental Fitness event. We had 11 people total. Frank led it wonderfully, and I was surprisingly comfortable and confident as an experienced meditation and "seeker of conscious awareness." I'm sure at least one of my friends would do a spit-take at the idea that I would play any role in "mental fitness," to which I will reply, "Before & After." :-P. I am quite confident at this point about being present, and the aspects of my role feel natural. This was a validation of the opportunity and my potential. I am inspired. When I got home, I took advantage of the 1-day delay of weekly trash pickup to gather the remaining leaves from the backyard, which was a meditative exercise in and of itself. I enjoyed it once I forced myself to start. I'm seeing a theme. I'm really grateful for my kid's individuality. For Lauren's honesty about her childhood experiences and really putting a voice to them, including noting my failure to have realized or recognized the struggles the dynamics were in the home. It's so hard to hear, harder not to defend, and hardest to say 'you're right' when she is. I joked the prior day about how most people learn to parent after making all their mistakes with the first kid, but with twins, you're out of luck. That's half funny and half admission. There'll be no next time but I'd welcome a do-over, as long as I still got to have them. Tommy's doing so well in so many areas: his job, employer, choices he's making about friends and priorities. It's wonderful to witness it coming about. Jen's having a wonderful time journalling now, in her own way, by hand on paper, and we share ideas and inspirations. She's going to see her parents tomorrow so I'll have the day to myself. Housebound too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Morning Mindset: Uncertain Acceptance. I am vascilating between a strong desire to orchestrate, and a core ubderstand that there will never be a perfect time.
Goals: Be fully engaged with deepbow at the Forum.
Anticipation: All of the possible positive outcomes.
Wants: Positive outcomes.

Highlights: Breakfast at L. G. cafe. with. both kids. So much history. Lauren and I went to Santa Cruz while to Sous Vide Tri Tip cooked. So much history. Returned and lazed about the house, played with Lucky in the backyard, and seared the tri tip so we all 4 could-have dinner together. So much hstory, too. A discussion that I have to have soon was delayed for the moment, but it remains inevitable. Tommy called me after his time at LPCH PICU and shared some observations that really moved me. He has a good heart and is coming to some understanding and insight at 20 that some never obtain. Lauren and I did a mountain drive (history), we played Farkel (history) and skipbo (i skipped round). This was a day begun with joy and uncertainty, and ended the same. Tomorrow will hopefully give me further ideas as to how and when I will confront a lurking demon. I am grateful in the meantime for the time I have to spend in all of this.

Morning Mindset: Positively resolved to indecision. Torn with some left/right choices. Conflicted by avoidance and necessity, where balancing impact and intension are my priority one moment and irrelevant the next. It keeps coming back to release of control. I'm also getting more indication that Lauren's legacy view of her childhood is likely far more neutral and unbiased as my own. Listening to her I question not only if, how and when I missed a queue or dropped a ball, as well as how often and how far. Trying to stay mindful of the baseline if intention and energy when outcome and disappointment are factors is like tracking a single leaf through turbulent rapids. It's easy to lose sight of it. And I'm tasked with the hope that one large boulder heaved into those waters might somehow calm the intensity without simple redirecting it elsewhere.
Goals: play it by ear today. Don't force anything. Let it be organic.
Anticipation: tonight's Tri-tip dinner on a surface level. Not tipping the boat on a personal and philosophical one.
Wants: Satisfaction with my choices. including cool time and temperature. 🙂

I had one of the worse nights sleep of the year and its only the 3rd. I guess that's good? I have some family related challenges on my mind. I have to navigate some significant conversations and their impacts. I'd leave it at that. When write the book I want to publish it'll all be revealed for the low price of $24 (hardback edition). I did a good deal of writing last night (early am, actually) working through how I plan to go about addressing this mystery issue. What's surprising me are the range of emotions surging as I anticipate something unfolding. I am trying to maintain a balanced perspective. When I look back at the times I have "dreaded "a situation it has never been anywhere near as difficult as I imagined. With the one exception being how the relationship with Linda played out. That was traumatic for all of us. And left several scars. Handled poorly this could do the same. I drove up to Sacramento to get Lauren so she could be with us for a couple days between work shifts. We're lazing around the house tonight. Washed the dogs. Tommy shared a sincere complement he received from Dr Trager. He (Tommy) seems to really have found a compelling direction and I am very glad to see him getting such encouragement.

Highlights: a productive day amidst inclement and ever changing weather. Sorta fits my life's theme right now.
Accomplishments: the most substantial being prep work for an evening with Jen and the kids tomorrow. We'll be gargling for some reflection and revelation as we look ahead at 2024 and all the avenues of opportunities and potential challenges. And some history catching up.
Gratitude: As hard as it is and sometimes it's next to impossible, managing to find some sense of peace within the possibilities of change is calming. While it lasts.

Reel Life

Being 'conscious', 'mindful', 'present'…. It's like watching a movie with a heightened degree of attention to all of the little details beyond the dialog and plot line.

It's knowing in parallel that everything you're seeing is there by design, with intention. It's there for a reason. The direction, lighting, set, and sound design, and even the "background characters" all contribute to the movement, the mood, the emotions, the experience being witnessed, and the character development as it unfolds.

Morning Mindset: Anticipating Turbulence. Restless night, anxious thoughts around impending changes and challenges. My broad views narrow when sleep and default habitual thoughts engage. I have to remember that I only control my responses and nothing stays the same.
Goals: Calls to make. Errands to run. Research to re-search.
Anticipation: exiting the day with a well thought out "broad view" of the days to come.
Wants: To continue to reduce time in tech freefall. It worked well yesterday to set aside tech and focus on connections other than network access.

Highlights: NYE gathering last night was just perfect. Right pace, people, and length. Tommy came home early and Lauren (on phone) and I/Jen walked through some 2023 highlights too.
Accomplishments: We divided and conquered our holiday 'strike the set' efforts with wonderful collaboration and timing. It's all back to "normal?". Personally I miss the festive vibe but it's just a transitional moment.
Gratitude: The sense of "acceptance" that comes from innately knowing that whatever's on the horizon for us will be managed as best as it can. I have a few things coming up that could introduce a need to be in a state of awareness that what feels permanent never is.

Morning Mindset: Optimism & Gratitude. I am Leveraging the change to reboot and refine a few attitude's and lifestyles.
Goals: Strike the holiday set. Pack up and put away the Christmas stuff and take down the lights.
Anticipation: Time to read and write.
Wants: A nice walk would be nice.

'23 Highlights

As the year comes to a close, I feel slightly compelled to reflect on the past 12 months as having been a year of substantial change, challenge, growth, reflection and reevaluation. It’s just an imaginary marker on an arbitrary day measured only by the movements within this microcosm of what we call a universe. Still, it’s been ingrained for 62 years.

As for milestones of the year we are exiting, several come to mind, yet three stand out as the most substantial.