On Sunday, Jen and I saw "Hairspray," and then we had dinner afterward at The Grill on the Alley. It was a fun play and a pleasant dinner too. Progress continues with clearing Panorama, and the garage is about 80% done sans some further reductions and clearing rafters. Tensions between Tommy and me continue. We had a 504 meeting today, and we collectively dove into his absences without a clear sense of his understanding on his part of how going to class is not an option. Lauren and I saw Linda today with a tree and her favorite heirloom ornaments. She was responsive and in decent spirits. It remains heartbreaking, surreal, and unimaginable that her life may end within months. It was also bittersweet to see her and Lauren choosing decorations. She wasn't able to hang them herself, but I tried helping. I think she enjoyed the thought and actions on our part. But she is understandably sad, too. The idea came up from Lauren about "getting out," but I don't know how possible that might be. Even for a drive to see Christmas lights, we would need their drivers and vehicles. She's not capable of getting up or getting into a car at this stage. I have such mixed and conflicted feelings about this whole past year and her. As for work, Tabitha turned in her notice Monday, and that's resulted in some shifting roles and responsibilities. I'm hoping it'll prove to be something I can manage well and I will be letting go of other duties to do so. I'm still figuring that all out. I did get the Christmas lights up with Lauren's help too.

Last I Heard...

$125 for the three-tier rolling Craftsman tool chest (+$10 for the 4th to the left) = score!

Tommy picked up the rolling tool chest I found on Craigslist while I attended my 2nd day of BIG training from 8 am - 12 pm on zoom. Afterward, we went to Panorama. Tommy worked refinishing the squat rack while Jen did books, Lauren sorted out her room stuff, and I worked on the garage. Tommy hit many nerves today, and it was a real challenge to stay calm when facing snark, arrogance, and entitlement. I didn't hold up well, but I didn't completely lose my shit. Still, the tension does little to make anything better. It's just incredible how somebody can be dismissive and ungrateful while you're doing things that benefit them. The BIG training was good, but I am so behind, and I feel like I have way more demands on my time between the kids, work, the house situation, Linda's circumstances. It's getting crazy and difficult to manage, but I don't have much choice. A conversation with Jen this am about how death and responsibility hit a nerve. Not sure how I feel about that just yet, so I'll hold off commenting further. She often sees things I miss. I know my frustration with him and the house is clear and likely makes her uncomfortable. Tomorrow will hopefully be better, as we have plans to have a nice lunch and see a play together. Alone.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Action Family Exercise Weight↓

Thanks-given Day 2021. Slept a bit late, if you wanna call 7 am "late." I got up in time to complete the routines, including a dog walk before the 8 am start of BIGS Phase 3. Wow. The role-playing was powerful and informative. I bowed out early, though, to see Lindsey and Ryan at my mom's for brunch. That was pleasant, and I'm glad we did so. We went to Panorama, moved the sofa and chair and other items out, and I cleared the garage closet while Jen sorted out more books. Tommy is unblocked now and can disassemble the closet and make room for the AIO gym and weights. I heard from the title company and forwarded the necessary documents to Kathy, now I am waiting for signatures, and things will move forward with the refinance. I hope it all goes smoothly.

Thanksgiving day 2021. I asked Jennifer to listen to today's "Daily Calm" because it was all about gratitude and was right up my alley. I'm sincerely and deeply grateful for many things, and in particular, her. I told her so repeatedly today, on our walk with Scottie, while preparing for Thanksgiving dinner or picking up the house or just with a look as we went about our day. Lauren and I went to SRC, and Tommy joined us there. We spent about an hour with Linda. Her lunch arrived, a Thanksgiving-themed meal, and I fed her while we showed and read to her from all of the gratitude notes she had us write down throughout the years prior. Then we wrote some new ones. It was a bitter-sweet experience. I believe she's conscious of her past, and us, and of her limitations. I think she's sad and, to some degree, emotionally disconnected. As a coping mechanism, for her, that makes sense. It's all so very complicated to navigate and to process. But I am glad we went, and I believe she felt appreciated and loved and recognized. We returned to Matson and continued preparations for dinner. Tommy picked up my mom and brought her over. Dinner was delicious – Ham, sweet potatoes, green beans, scalloped potatoes, and an excellent 2017 Martin Ranch Pinot Noir. I kept my portions controlled. I feel good about enjoying eating a little bit of everything and getting 'back on the horse' tomorrow as far as maintenance goes into 2022. Also, yesterday, I had a positive talk with Linda's sister about the refinance and her legal debt. She seems to understand the need thoroughly and agrees it should be paid from Linda's funds as it's her debt. She's running it past her husband, who I believe will also agree, and I hope we will move forward next week with completing the refinance steps. I'm afraid to get too comfortable about it because it feels like there's always something new to work around, but maybe this is it?

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Friendship Family Exercise Weight↑

Thankful – Now With 25% More Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving. I just looked back at and re-read what I wrote back in 2006, "What I'm Really Thankful For." At the time, I felt like I nailed it. Now, 15 (that feels like 30) years later, it's oddly validating to look back and recognize the core foundation of feelings I have retained and built upon since.

I can't think of a more opportune moment to reboot these five gratitudes with new insights. So here is that post again, from a perspective with 25% more experience behind it than before.

1. Life

2006: "It's not like I've routinely faced death as some medieval warrior surviving the dark ages, but I've had one or more close calls and moments that could have gone another way and ended my life. Every day, in one way or another, many lives end without warning or preparation. How is it that we're here and others that should have been are not? Fortune? Fate? Random chance or a greater plan? Whatever the case, just that I'm alive and able to give this consideration is perhaps the most essential gratitude I have."

That still resonates for me, only with a higher daily awareness than before. I've been fortunate enough to have been spared the loss of people close to me, but it is happening increasingly and closer to home than I could have anticipated. I have good friends in hospitals and care facilities right this minute, ranging from an ex-girlfriend to a friend from high school. My ex-wife, the mother of my children, has terminal cancer. Another friend's spouse passed away unexpectedly earlier this month. Death is inevitable. As Jim sings in the song "Five to One" .... "no one hear gets out alive." Being consistently conscious of this makes me value every day and every relationship I have. I'm more aware of the simple moments like a sunrise, the smell of flowers, the taste of a well-seasoned steak, and a glass of Malbec. And I'm more inclined to lean into a conversation, even thoughts that feel outside of my comfort zone if it means I can connect to, show support to, or celebrate life with another person.

2. Influences

2006: "I'm not inclined to believe that I came into this world with my views, opinions, interests, and character in place and dormant, awaiting maturation. Rather, I expect that the person I am is a combination of numerous impressions and influences over a lifetime. Parents, close friends, and passing acquaintances have all left behind pieces of a puzzle that has become my personality. A handful of people have been my closest of friends or deepest of relationships, each of whom I consider to be a part of myself. In contrast, there are also a scattered number of people whose presence had been but a passing or a distance one, yet they too left something behind in impression or character that stayed with me. When I stop to think of my friends today, those I've had over the many years, the numerous co-workers, loves, immediate and related family members, there's so many that I know are directly responsible for me being, well, a compilation of them. In the near future, I hope to spend a little more time capturing and highlighting their contributions as well."

My appreciation for the influences in my life has significantly evolved. My recognition of my limited time has brought about more impetus to nurture and encourage these connections. I have entirely "dropped the ball" on a well-intended desire to start a systematic effort and start publically calling out these influences, but I'm going to commit here and now to start this before the year ends. I have a wife I adore and deeply appreciate. Children I look at with simultaneous joy, wonder, and confusion. Immediate family, childhood friends, former bosses, and former girlfriends. I spend time with people daily, several times a month, once a year, or there are even those I've lost touch with that remain in my thoughts. They're all treasured and valued. I am a by-product of multiple seeds of character planted consistently throughout my life by them all.

3. Health

2006: "Sure, I've put on and need to lose weight, and I have the occasional 'gerd' issue, along with numerous other pains or ailments that come with age, weight, lack of physical activity, or any combination of the above. But when I see individuals struggling with true health issues, from more commonplace ailments such as allergies or diabetes, to truly limiting conditions that restrict, constrain or completely inhibit motor skills, motion, dexterity, or that strike at one's mental faculties, It puts it all into perspective. I'm definitely grateful to be fortunate enough to have my health, and I try to keep in mind that it's not a guarantee, and it requires awareness and effort to maintain it."

Having acquired and overcome Guillaume Barre at the end of 2014 was an eye-opener for me. I regret having healed as entirely as I did, only because I exited the hospital and rehabilitation facility with lingering numbness in my toes. I had wanted that to remain. I felt it would be a constant reminder of how lucky I was to get through that as quickly as I had. Yet, I don't think about it enough as I had anticipated. That 'sand between my toes' feeling is so subtle and minor now that I am no longer conscious of it. I also got in great shape just before turning 50 and maintained it for a few years until, after my divorce, when I was self-medicating with food and alcohol, and I put it all back on. With that gain returned the previously mentioned 'gerd' and several other health-related compromises, physical and mental. I finally got back to my target weight this year, and I have renewed my commitment to maintaining it. Mainly because I have enough to contend with as I enter my 60's without adding the negatives that carrying around 50 additional pounds brings. My health has become more critical because it's an essential component to enjoying every day. I remain very grateful that I've managed to evade, so far, more significant issues that could and would reduce my options to be actively involved in life. I remain aware that even a tiny fender-bender could put me in a wheelchair due to congenital spinal issues. I am equally likely to suffer a sudden aneurism, heart attack, or any number of other sudden health issues that have caused death or massive compromises in the lives of others. Including seeing the relatively sudden onset of some memory issues and headaches reveal the worst possible diagnosis for Linda, a tumor whose origin is attributable to nothing more than a mere fluke of nature... cells-gone-bad. Health isn't guaranteed no matter what measures I might take to control all I can. So having it now, and hopefully for a few more decades, is indeed a gift of good fortune to be grateful for.

4. Opportunity

2006: "No matter how incensed I become over the inconceivable degree of deception and manipulation that lies without our political processes, ultimately, I recognize and appreciate that I am living in a country that allows me the freedom to say what I want, to create and pursue business opportunities, and a multitude of other freedoms we have daily. These are dreams of unattainable luxury to others living in far more impoverished or repressive conditions. I may need to worry about any number of things on a daily basis. Still, they don't include wondering where my next meal will come from, how I might shelter my loved ones from the elements, fearing for the lives of family or myself when walking the streets, or concern about what I say, who I talk to, how I dress, etc. There are definitely so many things in need of improvement in our country but I'm grateful for what we do have in comparison with many other nations, and in very real terms, within this nation. I'm fortunate. Very fortunate."

Aging means seeing my opportunities diminish. Let's face it, 15 years later, and I'm now a 60+ white male living in and working in a high-tech sector dominated by people 1/2 my age, at the executive level. Diversity is also a considerable focus these days, and in that realm, I'm sitting at the loser's table. All that being said, whatever might lie ahead for me, I'm still in a far better position than many might be around the country let alone the world. And I have people skills, dammit! (Office Space). So if I end up like Tom Smykowski, I can and will find opportunities to sustain myself. I also have family and some modest investments to fall back on for a short while, and I know that even in the worst circumstances, I'll always have a roof over my head. There are so many people living in far greater compromised situations than I am, from those needing three jobs to make ends meet to those unable to find even one. Relatively, I've got it made.

5. Perspective

2006: "Finally, I'm very grateful that I've made it to a stage in my life at which I can and do look back, look around, and look ahead with an awareness and an intention to improve and contribute. As I'm sure everybody does, I have had my stretch of being completely self-absorbed and removed from the consequences of my actions. I called it my teens. And my twenties. Oh, yeah, and pretty much all of my thirties. But I like to think that I've matured enough to have reached a place at which I have a more centered and balanced perspective. I know and have a greater consciousness that the last breath I take maybe shortly after completing this post, perhaps sometime in the next few years when an unexpected ailment arrives with a grim prognosis, or hopefully, it'll be decades from now, as my razor-sharp mind peacefully contemplates the last beat of my heart weakly pushing a slow and final surge of blood through the translucent surface of my aging and withering skin. In any event, with the strongest desire that I make it as long as possible in the best condition possible, I don't have any delusions about the time I have and the chance I have to make the most of it. So I try and keep a balance, making sure I take time to reflect and share my observations for posterity, making sure I leave as many positive [or, at least, as few negative] memories in my wake, and having a hell of a lot of fun doing so. I feel good about my perspective, and I'm thankful that I've made it this far."

Of everything on this list, my perspective has changed the most. Or perhaps I should say it has evolved, grown, and matured the most due to all the abovementioned points. My daily meditations, exposure to mortality, and an increased focus on learning about and striving to practice self-awareness and mindfulness are also integral components. I'm not perfect about it, but part of my daily routine typically includes taking a moment to simply pause, reflect and appreciate all I have. It's not the unconscious act I want it to be just yet, but it's getting there. I'm still striving to accept that trying to control every little thing doesn't make enough of a difference in most instances, and the time lost doing so is time lost from a limited and valuable supply. Journaling almost daily and ensuring my affairs are in order have bought me peace of mind that whenever I do go, I won't leave a mess behind for somebody else to clean up. And I won't leave anything unsaid as to the way I feel about the people I love, the things I am learning, and the value of the time we are sharing.

Someone: "You have a good heart."

Me: "Then why is it always bleeding?"

I struggled to wake up this morning. I struggled hard. Yes, ascending alarms help when they work, and yes, a gradually brightening room helps too. But for whatever reason, there is, I had a difficult time rising. I think the 'hibernate' aspect of human nature is putting up a fight. But up I got, and out I went, too. I forced a 2-mile walk, sans Lauren, who was sleeping, and it was the right choice as was leaving my AirPods and just taking the time for myself. I thought about my career path, preferences, and options. And I took action on some communications that may or may not shape 2022 for me. I visited Linda and worked from her room, allowing me to talk to the hospice nurse. I ran to the bakery that Wendy got the cinnamon bread from and ordered a loaf and pumpkin pie for pickup tomorrow. I learned that Linda's legal debt is blocking my refinance, so I have to talk to Kathy about that tomorrow. I hope that goes well, but I guess if it does not, I don't refinance. That's that. It could be worse. Tommy worked on refurbishing the weights and equipment and has done a fantastic job so far. Jen and I finally started watching Ted Lasso, and I like it. It's right up my alley, as many friends have said, which in itself is a profound compliment. I had a good text exchange with my friend whose estranged husband recently died, and it struck me how the path I'm on, and she's on, will become more commonplace. It's a recurring thought, I know, but it's genuine and realistic. It's also inspiring as to how I want to act and function. Melissa called and left a message while I was at Linda's bedside, but I have not had an opportunity to call her back. And I have a feeling that will be a challenging call, but I'm compelled to follow through regardless. Jen said tonight that I spend so much time trying to get ahead of any possible scenario that I can't just relax. I think there's some truth to that. Maybe this whole refinance is a good example and an opportunity to let things play out as they may. But, 15+ years of feeling responsible for anticipating every scenario is hard to shake overnight.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↓

Seatiqute

In a society of gender-neutral bathrooms, do we leave the seat up, or down?!

Scottie woke me. Early. And seemed hell bent on getting outside. As has been the case in the past I assumed a need to go to the bathroom so I took him out front nad gave him the opportunity. He was still frantic. I took him for an early walk. He pooped but remained frantic and we headed home. He woudn't eat either. And was nudging and needy. I had to go, though, to my dentist appointment so I left him with Jen. The dentist was good. I was surprised to see plaque as I thought I'd been doing a much better job. I have some follow up work to remove and replace some old fillings. Doing so before EOY for insurance reasons. Returned home briefly before heading to Pano for the zoom interview with the author of "Choosing to Die" through the BIG course. It was inspiring. I think my experiences throughout 2021 would make a good story. Worked at Pano through staff meeting and returned to Matson for the remainder of the work day. Tommy's game at 6.15 was brutal. 11-1 loss. They had 2x the players in rotation and his team just got worn down. I'm glad we went. I got testy with him at home though because he wanted to argue the noise level of his car, the capabilities of an AUX setting, the offensiveness of his sweatshirt, etc. And Lauren too got me frustrated over pretending that something might not be an issue needing medical review. These two dismiss my guidance and experience. Wonder where they learned that from? Sent Kathy info about the refinance and title change, hoping that goes smoothly as I'm taking steps to keep it simple and reasonable. Wrote back to Jack's email. My friend with recent health issues is heading to rehab. There's a lot to track lately and i feel bad that I'm not as on top of all i should be on top of. Or 'want to' be, that is.

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A high scoring Farkle roll 😂

What a long full day. Quite off-path of what I'd anticipated, but in a good way. I had a poor night's sleep. I was still processing the scope of the previous day's efforts clearing out Panorama and everything it brought up for me. Plus, I had wine, and I'm not used to it anymore. My sleep was restless at best, and I was awake when the sunrise lamp kicked in. So I got up and started my day. We had to get up early anyway, as Tommy had an 8 am hockey game (one of two for the day). I made Tommy a breakfast sandwich (something I enjoy doing), we walked the dogs, and Lauren came to the game. The North rink at Solar Ice was unbearably cold. I know I've lost body fat but come on. They played well, but there was a scuffle, and he was involved. Not as the originator but as a part of the outcome all the same. They lost. The other team was from Tahoe and played a solid game. After the game, I met Tommy at Panorama. Jen came too and started sorting through the books there. She made a modest dent and was pretty overwhelmed by the volume of books. That felt validating. Meanwhile, I'd found a set of free weights and bars on Craigslist being given away. Forty-five people responded. I was the first, and the seller worked directly with me after expressing sincere interest and intent. The home was at the top of a hill in Los Gatos that ended up being a home I've seen from the driveway for many years. When we got there, my jaw dropped at the fantastic view. It was unbelievable. The woman I'd coordinated with came out, Charlene Raish, and showed us all that was available. For free. It was far more than I could imagine, and my 1st instinct was not to take it all but take enough free weights and related equipment for a simple setup in the garage. But the "all in one" was in such good condition and would be such a great setup for my and Jen's use. It just needed transportation that the Pilot and CRV would not provide. So I called Mark, who generously offered to let me use his pickup. When I went to get it and told him which home we were going to, he shared a long-held desire to see it in person. He came with us, I introduced him to Brian and Charlene, and they chatted awhile before he got to see the view from the property's patio. I wish I'd taken a photo, but I didn't want to make it awkward. Mark helped us load the "All in one" union, drive it down the hill, and unload it again into the side alley at Panorama. He let us use the truck to get the remaining pieces. All this derailed my original plans to work on the books with Jen, but it was simply something we had to take advantage of. I made a point of taking every single item. They wanted it cleared, and I wanted to teach my son that gratitude for generosity should do a thorough job and earn it. We will probably end up utilizing 70% or more and passing along anything we can't use. And I'm going to take a bottle of whiskey and a couple of bottles of wine and drop them off to say thank you. Once we were done, I put gas in his truck, picked up, and took three bottles of wine to him and Wendy. That was about 2.30. I'd also finally found and closed a deal to buy Jen the "right" color of a Gold Apple Watch. The Stainless Steel version. We met the seller at Starbucks, tested it out, made sure it wasn't iCloud locked and paid for it. She's happy, she'll wear it more now, and I'm happy too. I'll sell the other to recoup the cost. It should be a break-even situation. Lauren and I went to Panorama to drop a few lingering weights off out of the back of my CRV, and we went to see Linda. She was awake and responsive. Strikingly responsive. Not a 'night and day' level of improvement but a slight improvement nonetheless. More eye contact and communication. More responses to questions but still relatively brief. I'm going to work from her room tomorrow to get more time to observe how she's doing. We returned to Matson, Jen and I went to Tommy's 2nd game while Lauren went to work. Tommy played wonderfully. The team, Bellarmine JV, was a perfect match. They ended in a tie. Tommy had four assists and was more aggressively 'on the puck' than usual. Even he recognized and acknowledged this fact. It was one of the more exciting games. I put my phone away and paid full attention, trying to stay 'in the moment' and not let my mind wander, which is a challenge. A big challenge. But it was worth it. Plus, It wasn't as cold as the other one was this morning. I have to dress warmer all the same. We stopped at GOBM en route home to snag some staples. The kids are off school all week, so the food consumption will spike. I picked up Lauren, she'd had a co-worker quit, and her hours are increasing because of it. That's a mixed blessing but more positive than negative for her.

Habits & Routines: Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↑

Last I Heard…

Yesterday and today were spent focused on cleaning the garage at Panorama. I don't know quite how to process all that brings with it. As I said to Mark and Wendy after dinner tonight, it's a mix of Sad, Glad, Mad, and Seuss. I sincerely struggle with this all, the range of emotions, the loss and sadness of somebody I spent the majority of my life with dying in this way, the nightmare of dealing with the tons of crap left behind, the options this gives me to bring my children into a healthier scenario and to have my future more stabilized…. It's often overwhelming and more than I can process. Like now. The day was the most productive to date because Jen and Tommy helped me get past the inclination to feel everything has value and just let go and let it go. I made sure we kept everything I know that has legacy and emotional history for them, and for me. And I feel good having posted free items on CL and having them quickly taken. At least those things will be used and appreciated. Still, I'm honestly melancholy and sad at the transitions taking place. In simple terms it's fucked no matter what.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

Highlights: Continued progress with 6 am routines. I visited SRC after my am meetings to meet with Dr. Silva. I called Cathy, and Tommy had come too. Nothing new, nothing to change, and her responses continue to be sporadic. I returned home, got some lunch, and worked awhile longer before going to Panorama and continuing there. I made a significant amount of progress going through garage content and hope to complete things this weekend. I met with Tom B to discuss the refinance and any possible concerns, and I got answers that gave me confidence moving forward. I posted some garage content on Freecycle before heading to GNO with JS and JG. BL was not feeling well. Rock Bottom is clearly named for its rating as to the quality of service and food. Not sure I'll opt to return. Too many other better experiences to be had. Good conversation as always.

Yes, this will be yet another journal entry commenting on the wide range of things that can and do happen on a given day. I don't end my day with these as conscious thoughts. I have to stop and remember them all, as each tends to get supplanted by the next. And it's not like they are all substantial incidents, it's just amazing how many 'little things' happen each day and how they are quickly lost to momentum unless you stop long enough to reflect, and appreciate that, as they say, "It's the Little Things" that make up a life. I walked with Lauren of 'schedule' because they're off school all week next week, and I want to put a little extra effort into walking today. During the walk, I got a text from my friend's son that he was back in the hospital, and we stayed in touch throughout the day as he was airlifted to San Jose, and they did surgery to relieve pressure and bleeding in his brain. I was in touch with his son and his sister throughout the day, and I'm hoping to visit him and try, again, to make some connection that might help him get focused on recovery. But I'm only capable of doing so much. I also got a chance to walk and talk briefly with Larry, and that is always a reminder of a need to stay mobile as I age. Jen had made this excellent PSMF bread from her recipe, and I made us bacon, egg & cheese breakfast sandwiches. I love doing things like that for her because she does so very many things for me. She wanted me to send 'before and after photos to Maria Emerich, which I did. I realized that today was month 4 to the date of my finally getting traction on losing the added pounds put on over several years. After our walk with Scottie, I worked from home to be with Jen a bit before going to Pano for the home inspection that was scheduled for the loan application. Before that happened, I jumped on a call with Donna and Eric to become involved in the "DEI" initiative at work. I shared my backstory, that of my mom, John, Carole, and the exposure I had in the mid-'80s, before pronouns were even a thing, to the genuine issues facing people who choose to live as the opposite sex. I still insist that the issue is, like race, not changed by choosing how you want to be identified but by our society, not debilitating based on those factors. I don't think it's a battle that'll be won in my lifetime. I'm glad to be engaging in this, though. I think I have a unique experience and exposure in this realm. Meanwhile, in parallel, Linda's sister was in the quarterly care meeting, and they have suggested getting her into a chair for an hour a day! WTF? I think that's absurd. They're delusional and not even aware of her situation. I'm pissed. This shows they don't pay attention to things at all—what a crock. The home inspection got done, and I used a bit of time to further work through the bedroom closet. I made good progress, but it's just a dent. I made another chocolate hazelnut torte once I was back home, only in smaller 'single serving' cups. It came out great. Lauren made Chicken Picatta but got frustrated 1/2 way through with some ingredients issues and that it cooked too quickly, so I took over. Matt came for dinner. The meal was so-so, the wine was excellent, and it was a fun evening catching up and playing cards online with the usual crew. I hope we can do that more often. We gave him his scrabble tiles and told Steve and Diana they had to work the puzzle out too. After cards, Matt walked with us as we took Scottie out. I'm grateful to have had him and the other Matt's as friends since high school and even before. The older I get and the more 'trauma' that seems to come along, the more I appreciate such connections and history. Matt left. Jen and I played Farkle with Lauren because it's her day off, and I wanted her to know her presence was important. Tommy returned from practice and dinner. He's pretty much doing his own thing these days, and that's ok. It's healthy. I took some time to get through chapters 3 and 4 of "four thousand weeks" again. I got more out of chapter 3 this time around, and I found a podcast to listen to more about Martin Heidegger on my walk tomorrow.

Although the light didn't awaken me, the sounds did and I managed to get up on schedule, 6am, although my continued tweaking of the alarm introduced some timing issues. Is an 'ascending volume' alarm tone really so much to ask? I'm considering just making my own and removing the complexities. My AM walk with Lauren was good but mostly silent and my return was spent listening to a Calm masterclass on depression. It's not the first listen for me and it's been a good resource for time I feel somewhat off and meloncholy. I was this morning, but by the end of the walk I felt more aligned with the realities that we're all subject to ups and downs. I also started getting more anxious about Linda's situation and funds, and wrote to her sister about that very concern. She clarified for me that my understanding of her resources was 1/2 of what there are, which gave me relief. We met and hired a replacement cleaner for Matson after my having had one too many issues with the prior one's consistence and quality. My lunch with Marlin was great, it was fun to just have a face-face interaction and talk as peers on a number of topics. I ran Lauren by to see her mom, which was nice but brief. I dropped Lauren at work, Jen and I got most of the groceries for Thanksgiving as well as dog food supplies too. She made it all tonight and it's put in the fridge and freezer. I want to see how long it lasts, as the effort can and should be one we refine to be monthly if possible. It's not a lot of work but does take a lot of time. I reach out to some friends to start making more plans to get together more often, that's one of my latest priorities as we head out of 2021.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎

I really enjoy my morning routines these days. Getting up around 6am used to be routine, but even well before Covid it was not necessary in order to get into the office. But this summer the longer days and early sunrise left a strong impression on me. I don't think I suffer from SAD but I do think my mood is improved by all the measures I have taken including the sunrise alarm clock. It's also really enjoyable to wake slowly. I am taking 15-20 min to rise, brush, dress… just leisurely, not rushed or frantic. Still this am I was feeling a bit weary of the routine. It's just a matter of mixing it up, and this week was my first "Sunday of rest" where I skipped things. I walked with Lauren and that was pleasant, I listened to "Cold Turkey" in review on the way back, because I'm considering sending it to my friend who might benefit from it. I hope. I walked Scottie with Jen and went to Pano for the am meetings and to meet with the 1st crawlspace company about moisture barrier installations. $11.5k! I expected around that but I have some others coming and I'm going to need to look at how to manage this and other refinance related obstacles. Time to get creative. I was hoping to visit Linda today but things ran late. Tomorrow is a full work day as well and I already have a school meeting with Tommy on the schedule. I'm hoping it's productive. Lauren's friend Deagan came with Lauren after the varsity hockey game, as did Tommy, and the house was filled with their laughter and stories. It was one of those great moments where it felt like a healthy happy family dynamic. It reminded me in particular of the flashback sequences in "Ordinary People" to when the eldest son was "holding court" and telling stories to his mom. I need to watch that again. I think it'll hit me even harder than it did when I saw it in the theaters with Holly in 1980. And that's saying a lot. Now, I'm going to experience it not with reminiscence of being a teenager, but as a parent. That will be intense. I know this dynamic is one the kids really appreciate having. As do I.

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I slept in until 8 am. I've decided that with the relative success of my efforts to get back in shape over the past 4 months, I'm going to make Sunday's my one "day of rest" and allow myself the reward of taking a day off from the am/pm routines that got me here. I'm working to transition to a maintenance mode. I enjoyed my morning coffee and met a couple of friends for breakfast at Jack Holders. One of the two has had some recent medical issues that are tied to addiction and the breakfast was a conscious choice to try and meet and 'intervene' as much as we could. He was moving slowly and seemed shaky and a little 'removed'. I wasn't sure if it's due to detox, booze, the seizure he had, or a combination of all three. My other friend and I both used the time to try and tease out some admission of alcohol as a factor but he did not bring it up once. All the same, we talked about aging, life, family, and living longer. We both make it clear that he was important to us and that we should all be taking care of ourselves as we age. We are going to stay on top of keeping communication open and setting up more routine lunches or breakfasts. I hope we have a chance to influence him in a healthy direction. What happened to my friend's husband last week resonated with me and although I believe in the end, change can not be forced or coerced but perhaps some positive examples and encouragement will prove to be an inspiration. After brunch, I took Lauren to Panorama briefly in order to hand off the retaining wall bricks to a craigslist contact. We ran to GOBM and snagged a few items for Matson and I was thrilled to find and snag a stash of Mooala Hazelnut creamer. Score! Spent some leisure time with Jen catching up on SNL, Last Week Tonight, and Curb. Lauren walked to work since we went to Tommy's hockey game at 5.30. It's been a reasonably balanced day and I'm hoping to have a good sleep before hitting the routines again at 6 am.

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Last I Heard...

For whatever reason, I woke up around 5 am and just got up and started my morning early. I used the time to meditate and listen to podcasts while making some breakfast which included having one of those "double yokes" in one eggshell experiences. I had to skip the dog walk to make it to Panorama for day 2 of the more intense portions of the BIG facilitator course. We practiced some trial facilitations, and I think they went well. We also watched an excellent short film about grief that hit many chords for me. Considering the year the kids and I have had, my friend's recent loss, a friend's suicide a year or so back, it all surfaced. We took a break at the midpoint just in time for the Panorama gardner to arrive. They cleared things as I'd requested, and I told them to continue weekly service for the time being. The rains are bringing back the lawn, and I don't want to mess with weeds or have to mow occasionally. Once we finished, I picked up Lauren, and we went hiking "the Dish." Tommy wasn't interested in going with us. I made the mistake of wearing a matching color sweatshirt, and it was way too hot. I had to go shirtless! Not something I'd typically be comfortable with, but it was necessary if I wanted to get back down without being airlifted. We stopped at Cobblestone for ice cream and returned to Matson. Tommy had drunk Lauren's Gatoraid, a conflict ensued, Tommy and I got into an argument, and I walked away and tried to nap. The hike wiped me out. I was on edge and exhausted, but taking a break and getting a bit of sleep made a big difference. I used the rest of the night to get some files and to-do's updated. I'm relistening to "four thousand weeks" and glad I'm doing so.

Weighty Thoughts

The weight I carry feels twice as heavy when I stop and focus on it as a burden.

I took the day off today, so I'd be free to attend part one of two consecutive 4-hr sessions as I progress in the EOL facilitator training. Honestly, I'd lost some steam and was hoping this would reinvigorate me. It did. I came away feeling reminded about why this matters to me and how my inclinations got me to this point. The morning, though, did begin well, with time to walk with Lauren and walk the dog before that training began. After the conclusion of part one, I went to Panorama and met a buyer for Linda's bike. I gave the money to the kids and recorded it in an online log I keep, so it's documented. I called and discussed a few 'in advance' topics with Kathy D and visited Linda at SRC. She was, as she has been, moderately responsive and more accessible without the heavier medications. I returned home and caught up on some classwork in advance of tomorrow's follow-up session. 

All that being said, most of my day was spent reflecting on my friend's follow-up from our text exchange last night regarding the non-response of her estranged husband for over a week. She shared the bad news that she had called the police for a "wellness check" on him last night and that the coroner's office called her this morning.  They found him dead, in his bed. She said she's "broken." I can only imagine—what a tragedy, and what a waste. Unlike terminal brain cancer, this was ultimately a self-inflicted wound. I'm so sad for her and her kids. I'm angry too, at him, at another friend needing intervention, and at a colleague that's dancing around this precarious ledge as well. I have cut back entirely on drinking anything but a bit of wine with a meal. And after this, I am done drinking hard liquor. It's poison. Like sugar, smoking, and the medical systems management of terminal patients, it is all about profiting from the suffering and knowingly capitalizing on weakness and addiction. The image on this post is of a card I picked up for Jen yesterday to accompany a baby shower gift. I thought of it last night when I learned about her husband's failure to connect with their kids, and I don't understand how one can't make and maintain that conscious connection. But I've never been an alcoholic, and clearly, something significant changed for him over the many years since we lost touch. What has happened to my friend mirrors what my cousin and her daughters endured, right down to their father's death. All three of these people brought something positive into my life. I often wonder if people knew more readily how they had a positive influence on others even in passing, would they be less inclined to slip into such 'darker realms'? Sigh.

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I'm still working on tweaking the morning routine, this time by refining the ascending alarm timing and adding squats into the morning stretching too. I can sense when it starts to feel too routine and stale. I'm introducing a few modifications into my PM routine as well to keep it fresh. Lauren came with me to Pano. We stopped for breakfast at LGCafe. She had pancakes, and I had ham and eggs. I love their breakfasts. For 40 years now, come to think of it, back when it was "The Iron Skillet." Lauren made progress helping to work through things in her bedroom, finally. She found a slew of Tommy's prior hockey jerseys and some familiar clothes from her past as well. She took off with Anna, and I worked. I also cleared more clutter from the closets to ensure I had filled the bins for the Friday am pickup. I have three but hesitate to put them all out at once. They'll likely push back. I can't put into words what it's like going through so much of this stuff. I'm tossing what I consider "dollar store" level items, setting aside nicer things, and finding troves of things like cards and papers and so much ... "stuff." Stuff that would be worth having had it been seen, used, reviewed, or remembered. The quantity of glue, scissors, and like items reveals how she purchased redundant items frequently because the others were all lost from sight. It's challenging, this effort, as it heightens my compassion and aggravation in unison. I found and saved our wedding invitation and two sealed audio cd favor I made—something to hold onto for the kids. I also found and rescued her handwritten wedding vows. That was tough because they seemed genuine and sincere and may very well have been. I'll store them with the wedding album and the doves from Italy. I reached out to and confirmed brunch plans with my friend, who's just gone through some dependency issues. I'm hoping I can have a frank and direct dialog with him. I'm hoping he will listen. I'm hoping he shows up at all. Ironically I also had contact with another friend whose husband has gone dark for ten days. They're separated, and he's wrestling with alcoholism in a bad way. She's facing having to check on him in person and is hoping she finds him alive. He's ghosted his kids. Who does that? I don't comprehend it, but I, too, have felt the seductive tug of routine drinking and drugs that can sweep you gently away and to a place where the substantial undertow can pull you from safety and leave you drowning. I heard from Nevin tonight. He's working a show, sharing the joy, and expressing gratitude for the high-tech earplugs I gave him a couple of years back. It's on my list to reconnect in person in December. I revisited some BIG training steps tonight to prep for tomorrow's session, including practice facilitation with others. I'm hoping it revives my focus as it's been distracted recently with work and other demands.

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I didn't walk this AM with Lauren, but I did get up all the same and used the time well. Ironically they have no school tomorrow and that could have/should have been my 1-day off. I spent the am working at Panorama and juggling work with correspondence with Chase about options to refinance. I returned home, managed further work tasks, and returned in the late afternoon to work on the backyard tree trimming and ivy removal. I also worked through several bins. My God, there is so much stuff, it's painful to just toss things into the trash that might be of use to others. But I had to. I can't spend the time it would take to get things distributed and the cost of doing so (my time, gas, coordinating meetups) would not be worth it. I'm being selective, though, and planning on throwing out what is essentially trash and likely of no value to anybody while setting aside things we'll sell or just give way free on CL. And books. OMG, the books. So. Many. Books. I really resent the mess left for me to clean, it remains a PTSD level stressor walking going through it all, while cathartic too. I returned home, ate Fajitas with Jen, played Farkle with her and Lauren, and tackled some busy work with "Isle of View" playing in the background. It's such a great performance. Adding weights (8 & 20) to my nightly routine, as I'm looking for ways to build up some muscle and tone up a bit.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Family Exercise Weigh↔︎

I am wrapping up listening to "Four Thousand Weeks" tonight. I intend to relisten to it starting tomorrow. I found it densely packed, filled with ideas and insight that require my full attention. In fact, one of the chapters touches on the decline of attention spans and the diminishing act of reading for long periods of time. Amen, sayeth the choir. Morning walks continue, and the am routine is pretty ingrained at this point. PM too. I love having routines but it's time to find something to add or some way to mix it up. I enjoyed the leadership opportunity that presented itself today for me to investigate, act on, and convey some positive news to two of our team members. Meanwhile, one of my friends with an addiction problem appears to be heading in the right direction and I have tentative plans for the weekend to visit the other. I spent time at SRC today after a brief 2-day absence. Things remain status quo. I'm rethinking the house strategy. I'm likely driving the loan agent crazy but there are complexities and complications I need to manage in order to overcommit to something. I think I have a better handle on things, though. Kids were out tonight and it gave Jen and I a chance to have a nice steak, a 2014 Malbec, and some casual time connecting.

Today was another day filled with a range of noteworthy moments from start to finish. Roughly. Daylight Savings Time was 'a thing' this morning. I had a few non-smart clocks to update last night, which I did before bed. The "Sunrise" alarm is worth having for the 6 am 'gradual' waking cycle and routine. All went well, and I used the time to get some meditations in and then to jump back into the "Four Thousands Weeks" book. I'm enjoying it. It's a good reality check on time management programs and our habits, delusions, and compulsions. Lauren and I visited her mom, and her reasonably 'improved' responsiveness continues. However, when we jumped in the car in the am to head over, we quickly realized it had been 'modestly' ransacked. I guess I mistakenly left it unlocked on a bad night. Somebody entered it, stole about $6 in coins for meters, my prescription RayBans, and my Rotten Robbie gas card. It was weird and, although it's intensely upsetting to me that we have this in our society, I didn't get all bent out of shape. Tommy showed consideration in driving his car to reduce noise, which I appreciated. We went to Panorama to get Mark's input on our remodel ideas, and I locked in the refinance with Chase, which was a huge step. I knocked off several routines "To Do" tasks at Matson, and we went to Stanley's for dinner before watching Tommy's game. We left early to get Lauren to work, but he was improving, and they ended up winning 9-2. I saw and talked to Rebeca and Jim at the game. It's still awkward talking about Linda to people who knew her, knew us, and likely have had me portrayed poorly. After dropping Lauren, we walked the dogs. I took a much-needed shower, shaved, and spent the rest of the evening gathering all of the necessary supporting documents for the loan process.  Oh, and today I learned that you can and should "freeze" your credit ratings and reports with the big three bureaus to prevent fraud risks. Fascinating.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↔︎ 

Last I Heard...



I slept in a bit, just until 7 am. I got in a couple of meditations which was welcome, given I'd missed them recently. I started listening to and immediately applying aspects of the audiobook "Four Thousand Weeks". To my delight, I pulled out the last of the stored t-shirts and sweatshirts, and it's all fitting again. I thinned out things a bit and dropped those off at Savers, and passed some items Tommy's way. I still have too much and have yet to worth through the button-downs again but will soon. Jen came with me to drop Lauren and pick up 50 tennis balls from a seller in Cupertino, which will keep Lucky happy for, oh, maybe 6 months? We meandered about, did some grocery shopping, then she went and visited Cheryl briefly. It was Lauren's last day at Vasona – they packed up and put everything away for the winter. She's now free on weekends again and to celebrate we did a mountain drive and got burgers for her and Jen at In 'n Out. My friend's pending "intervention" has been delayed by his daughter, and his sister is keeping on top of things. Lauren had to work at 7 and so she walked there from Matson while Jen and I went to Tommy's hockey game at 6. It was a great game. I consciously intentionally put my phone away the entire time. It felt great to have reduced distractions and focused on being present, watching my son, and being excited about the whole game, and especially his GOAL! He made a goal and by doing so, secured their win. We hit GOBM briefly and I stocked up on some "Mooala" while it's still in stock. It's been a really good day – I think I'm going to relisten to "Four Thousand Weeks" a couple more times before returning the loan (library) so I can reinforce some of what I'm learning and feeling inspired by.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family Exercise Weight↑

I've noted before how journaling can drive home how many things might happen on any given day. Today is one of those days. My 'ascending volume' alarm failed to ascend for reasons still unknown, so I almost overslept and missed my morning walk with Lauren. Almost. But I made it, and it was a pleasant walk. It's a great way to start an early day off, and I enjoyed the return walk, using it and the "JustPressRecord" app to dictate a blog post. Only, I didn't set the input to my AirPods, and thus, the transcription was a mess. I later played it back and wrote the post based on the discernable content. After walking Scottie, I went to get the kids Birth Certificates and my own from the safe in the garage. While there, I noticed a neighbor had slipped a handwritten note into the mail slot. A neighbor complaining, rightfully so, about the noise Tommy's car now makes. It's awful, embarrassing, and we fully agree. I sent him a photo of the not, and his response was dismissive and rude. I think he took it to heart as he's not making as much of a production of his car's noise anymore, but I am going to follow up on it. I went to SRC, and he joined me there unexpectedly. Linda was again in a good place as far as being responsive and engaging as much as she could. It was a great surprise and rewarding for Tommy. I got a call from Seth regarding our mutual friend having backslid, and I called him directly and pretty much called him on the carpet and made it clear where I stand as far as what I can and will do to help as well what I can not tolerate. Now, we wait. While driving from SRC, I noticed something hanging under Tommy's car. I called and advised him about it. When I got home and looked, it was still there. A pair of toddler-size pants were stuck to, burned onto actually, the pipes on the undercarriage. I had to tug to loosen them. I applied for the refinance/equity loan needed for interior remodeling/updating at Panorama, which will take about 45-60 days. I took Lauren to Santa Clara, and even though the photos we had and the forms we filled out had issues, we got them addressed, and passports were ordered. Tommy didn't make it, so he'll have to go another time. Jen and I had a great dinner with Matt at Opa in Campbell, then she/I went to Panorama. It was the first time she's been in the place since 2013. It was a good move because she got a better idea of its size and can help make more informed decisions about what changes can be made to return it to a livable situation and make it a 'fresh start' experience. I'm still undecided on renting it out or living there, but I need to start moving forward on the cleaning and preparations for now. So, there it is, a pretty full day indeed.

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Banished Dreams

I woke today at 4.18 am. I have had difficultly sleeping for some time. My sleep has improved with weight loss and removing alcohol, carbs, and sugar from my diet. That has all helped a great deal, but still, I wake.

I often wake thinking of the past 9 months. I reflect back to the beginning of the year, the phone call from her sister, the subsequent upset of the kids, days waiting for just a lucid response, her return home, chemo, radiation, moving to assisted living, and her gradual decline in the health clinic. I recall her resistance to talking about some concepts and concerns while focusing on other options as possible solutions. I think of her fixation on Hagen Das Swiss Vanilla Almond ice cream. But mostly, I think back on the several times she looked at me in earnest, with angst in her eyes, and whispered, "I am scared."

Lauren reminded me this morning on our walk that daylight savings time ends Saturday night. Quoting John Oliver... why is this still a thing? I mean, for fuck's sake, we still change the time of day twice a year based on a seasonal pattern of daylight? We can't just accept and adapt our behaviors where that matters? Idiotic. In any event the second thought I had was that my investment in the sunrise clock was short lived but even with the time change, i'll still be trying to get up in the dark and this seems to be helping. After walking Scottie I ran to SRC. Linda was awake and more responsive than I've seen in weeks. I was stunned. She knew me by name, said her head hurt, and more. Dr. Silva came and observed the same. We had been considering returning some anxiety meds but after Kathy arrived and we talked it over we opted to wait, as the occasional expression of sadness we were concerned about is intermittent and we can manage that. She told the doctor she thought she was there because of "an accident", which was surprising, and perhaps it was a guess and she doesn't remember. Short-term memory had been an initially impacted function prior to the diagnosis and afterward in assisted living so this could be a continuation of the same. I met the crew at Panorama to remove the fallen branches and debris from the backyard. It all got done, the fence is repaired too. I talked to the insurance agent and reimbursements are on their way. I phone screened two possible dev candidates and both sounded promising. Jen and I had salmon burgers on her homemade rosemary bread. Then I spent the rest of the evening tinkering with options to assist Jack with his book. I did some extensive reformatting and tried a few tools, settling on GoogleDocs for simplicity and accessibility, and it has easy publishing capabilities too. It was fun and inspirational and it was a gratifying thing to do, helping him move this effort forward. I heard from the sister of my friend who's been struggling with addiction issues. An intervention is being coordinated for this weekend. Possibly via phone but I'd prefer to go in person.
Habits & Routines: Mediation Gratitude Calm Friendship Exercise Weight↔︎

Nothing betrays ones age more than double spacing after a period.  Nothing.

Day 2 with the new "Sunrise" alarm. It worked well. I definitely woke more 'naturally'. I lingered in bed though, as the ascending audio alarm on my phone didn't ascend, it stalled. This is sort of fun, this whole process, of working to find the right blend and settings. It's so like programming. It's trial, error, triage, and trying again. It brings back memories of writing databases, perfecting the optimal production flow of Confotti™, or making clear ice. We stopped and talked to Larry on our walk this morning. He's such a charming man and he told us stories about his time at Lockheed and the development of 'contained cities' where he and his colleagues would stay. We talked briefly about the culture as well. I'm grateful to have established a connection with this neighbor these past years, through and beyond the passing of his wife last year. He's a good role model. My lunch with Jack was great. We went to "the Plank" again, at Jack London Square. It's been 13 months since we last conveyed and for me, there's been a lot going on. As we sat and talked I noticed a dry patch of skin under his right eye and a smaller one on his left. I said, "I'm going to go out on a limb here and tell you that i'm concerned about the dry patch under your eye. My dad had that, ignored it, and it was cancerous". He was gracious, acknowledged it, and said he noticed it recently. He will be getting it checked soon. I hope he does. I'll follow through. It was a good visit. I've written about him elsewhere, he was a mentor in my youth and somebody I have a good deal of respect and gratitude for. On the drive home I talked to Kathy in more detail about the medications for her sister, feedback from the hospice nurse, and next steps. We'll be returning the anti-anxiety Lorazepam in order to reduce her emotional anguish, and we're making a point going forward to avoid topics that might be upsetting, like mentioning something she's missing or will be missing out on seeing or participating in. I returned home and addressed work demands. I ordered Matt's birthday gift and on impulse and with Jen's agreement, something for Steve and Diana too. I expect they'll both enjoy them. Jen and Lauren door-dashed Happy Hound burgers. I abstained. I made some egg nog though, and it came out really good. I'm going to make more once I pick up more nutmeg. I listened to a podcast featuring a historian Jack was enthusiastically promoting, Heather Cox Richardson. I also returned to listening to Tom Rath's "It's Not About You". It's been a full day. Yet I feel I am spending more time 'in the present' than 'moving forward' on tasks and aspirations that should be my highest priorities.

Habits & Routines: Presence Gratitude Calm Friendship Exercise Weight↔︎

The "sunrise alarm" light worked well. I like the potential it has to offer. I'm optimistic about the long-term benefit it might provide. Jen liked it as well. After my walk with Lauren, my walk back solo, and my routine walk with Jen and the dog, I headed out to Panorama. I had to work from there while waiting for the hauler to bid on the clearing of the fallen tree limbs. That is now scheduled for Thursday. The fence will be repaired tomorrow. Claims are all filed. Hopefully, this is all behind me, and it doesn't happen again. Kathy and I talked about Linda's demeanor off-meds, and we shared concerns that she's suffering through this whole nightmare. Maybe it's more humane to have her moderately sedated. Pain is emotional as well as physical. Tommy worked on his car all day, against my direction and request that he be at school. I took a long lunch to revisit "The French Dispatch" before it disappeared from the theaters. I liked it much, much more on the second viewing. The first outing had issues unrelated to the movie, and this time around, the seating and theater were perfect, and I got to focus on the art, and so much of it, that is a Wes Anderson film. And this is a fantastic work of art to watch, look at and absorb. Like his others, having the ability to pause and study a scene and the camerawork and composition will be awesome. I addressed a reissue of an expired gift card at Santana Row, which killed the 2nd bird with the stone of my going there in the 1st place. Jen made an excellent pork dinner, and we played cards online with the usual suspects. I walked Scottie, filled the car, retrieved my jacket-vest from Pano, dropped the necessary paperwork at Francine/Bob's for the fence repair, and returned home. I watched (sort of) the Tammy Faye movie with Jen. Meh. Found some exciting titles in Audible to add to my backlog of content. Tomorrow's another full day with work, all-hands, and lunch with Jack, which at least is happening annually now, as it should. I hung the "Wings of Desire" poster up after retrieving it. There is so much history and meaning behind it. Although I strive for minimalism in home decor, this has an inspirational quality, and it harkens back to 1987, and even then, the basis of its message was already a part of my psyche.

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I woke up, meditated, and walked with Lauren. But I had a hard time doing all. I felt off. An unwell/exhausted type of off. I slept OK but didn't wake well and I decided on my walk that I was going to cave and order the long-desired "circadian rythme" based sunrise light alarm clock. I ordered it this am in time for it to actually arrive this evening. It's all set up and ready for a first pass trial tomorrow morning. I worked from home for most of the AM and went to SRC around 2.30 pm. Linda had moved rooms by the time I got there but it was uneventful, she slept through it apparently. Kathy was there and when I arrived, shortly after, she opened her eyes. What happened next, while I was there and we were talking to her, really hit a nerve. Her lower lip quivered and her eyes welled with tears. Multiple times. I kept it together as did Kathy but that was enough for me to be fully convinced that she's aware of her surroundings and circumstances, but unable to communicate freely. The removal of the anxiety meds is likely a part of this. Kathy said she had some further experience later in the evening that was positive and that may be a reason to not put her back on those meds. We'll talk about it tomorrow. My friend in Salinas whose son reached out to us asking for help, just prior to his dad's hospitalization, is getting help and hopefully will be able to get back on their feet soon. We went to Tommy's hockey game tonight - Varsity against a really good team. They lost but it was an exciting game all the same. I just need to remember to bring gloves and more padded seating.

Habits & Routines: Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm  Friendship Family Exercise Weight↑