Up early, out the door to SFO. AmEx lounge was nice but crowded and not quite on par w/Delta's. The flight was fine, but my back hurt for the 2nd half. Maybe 1st class is worth the cost? I arrived and found my way to the bus without issue and into town. I met Eric, and it's been a wonderful day reconnecting and meeting his fiancee Francesca. We dove right into deep topics, which was as expected and desired. The home, well, it's unbelievable. Stunning. Serene. And simply as breathtaking to be inside as it is to be outside amongst the surrounding mountains. https://www.now.haus/gallery. What a great privilege to have been invited to check out this place. I know Eric equates his path to this point starting with my hiring him into Apple, but from then on, it's been all him, and what an inspiration this is. I don't know anybody else who's taken the fortune from being at the right place at the right time and turned it into creating the right space to promote and facilitate personal growth and awareness. It makes me want to follow his lead.

Digging in the Dirt

I am in Denver, feeling a sense of wonder, curiosity and apprehension as I visit a friend for a few days. This is part fun and part spiritual introspection.

His fiance works in Boulder in PTSD-related treatments. in practices that have surfaced during the past few years as game changers for people suffering from trauma, stress, depression and anxiety.

 

I was listening to music while descending into Boulder with turbulence and "The Great Gig in the Sky" came on. Not a good sign. (One of four "funeral tracks" and the spoken lines "I'm not afraid of dying. Why should I be? Any time will do" was poor timing.) So, I bring up "up next" to jump to something else… and this was the queue. I shit you not. We landed ok … but had we not… whoa!

Ambien. Say it with me. "Aaaaaammmbein." The word "bien" apparently means  "good" in several languages, and I agree. I do my best not to rely on drug reliance for sleep. Meditation, not medication, one might say. Yet last night, after several days of troubled sleep made all the worse by the "Birsitus" issue, I took a pill, laid down, and drifted into a deep and restful sleep. Better living through chemistry. As a meditation and "zen” practitioner, you'd think I'd have this managed, but to be completely honest, I've not put much effort into 'days end' activities. I may start moving some of my routines around and see how that works out. Maybe a "zazen" sit in the morning before thoughts whirl into action, and a guided relaxation at bedtime would be helpful. I'll report back. The dogs continue learning about and using the dog door but still need reminders. Hopefully, next week they'll be fully independent.  I didn’t write last night, but the leftover French toast casserole was a hit at Jikoji Monday am. I was there all morning for meetings, brainstorming, and some walkthroughs of the tools and systems. I spent last night and this morning engaged in some Jikoji tasks, perhaps more so than I should. I felt a familiar "pull" last night as my thoughts kept returning to some of the discussions and my research around how they've managed tools and infrastructure. It feels like I'm getting 'wrapped up' in work tasks. I'm hypersensitive, given it's now four months of not working. In reality, I'm doing well with not getting sucked into a deep well, but it did occur to me that my reflex tendencies to dive in need to be managed and not subconsciously triggered. I've worked hard not to work hard and to enjoy the life side of work/life balance, with offset influence and weight away from working. My trip tomorrow to Boulder should be a strong reminder of that. I'm not taking my laptop. I'll take my phone, AirPods and the remarkable for writing. I plan to be present, engaged, and in 'full gratitude' for the trip. It's a wonderful gift to have this option made available to me. In other news, I dropped the Mini off to reset the roll bar and inspect the suspension and alignment. Mike, the owner, indicated that CalTrans claims are typically successful. I'll keep that in mind. Jen and I took a nice evening stroll at sunset and talked more about the next things on the horizon for us and how little we know yet about what that will be. Scary and exciting all at once. Confidence in each other swings the focus towards excitement.



Our "spring out of bed" brunch was a great way to spend a relaxing day with friends. Beyond the fact that we had way more food than even three times the guests could have consumed. All of the food was delicious, and having the chance to linger and socialize for what ended up being four-hours was a welcome use of a sunny afternoon. Plus, I now have a surplus of leftovers to take and share with the crew at Jikoji tomorrow morning. I took time this afternoon to start poking around a few of the tools and systems and now have a list of questions into the double digits. As for the hip issue, based on its progression and symptoms, it appears to be "Trochanteric Bursitis ". Lovely. Don't ask me to pronounce that. It sounds like something you'd hear mentioned in a Jurassic Park'' movie. I just hope it goes away without to many more issue. Especially with Boulder coming up.

I slept ok but fragmented. The hip pain remains a component. Today was another warm day, and I got many things done. Mostly things I have wanted to do for some time, months even, yet I was not planning on tackling them today; they just got done organically. There are several "minor "tasks and a couple big ones. I also have to set up the garage with the collapsable fencing to enable the dogs to have access to the outdoors if we're away via a larger dog door installed in the kitchen. (where one has existed since buying the house but was too small). The other big task was jumping on a new CL post for a 36" electric cooktop. I got it for only $300, it's in great condition and blends well with the built-in microwave. I installed it without issue. We can now discard the broken and barely functional one we've suffered with for almost a year. We also cleaned up the patio in advance of our brunch tomorrow, including hanging up an outdoor metal wall decoration we got from Dom and Mary. It looks great with the "bar" table. The cushions came out too, so the outdoor seating and firepit are ready for the spring and summer night. This is a great time of year. One other task was addressing my mom's languishing need for a better computer. Thanks to Tommy's suggsestion and initative we have a 27" Cinema Display with adaptors/cables he got for $140 off FB MarketPlace, and we're going to use a new spare MacBook Pro as her CPU. It's a great way to manage her needs, and I'm grateful for him having proposed it as an option over buying an iMac.

"Lost and found x2"

I really enjoyed today. My hip pain was less significant. Present but less prominent and less severe. I made it up and out the door on time to set Zazen with Gerow, Amanda, Charles, Michael and Nick. Breakfast was filled with the usual engaging conversations, from how they are repopulating a bee colony on the property to managing relocating wood storage as they make room for parking needs and a range of other management and maintenance needs. I got the login details for the website and newsletters so I can explore over the weekend in advance of working on it Monday with Amanda. I discussed the short and long term goals with Michael around communication and engagement. We also shared a call with Bryan to discuss other tech-related needs. It was so relaxing to sit outside and have these conversations amongst such a calming place. I drove down with the top down (of course) and paid close attention to the experience of being in the woods, I stopped briefly at Madronia, and noticed the gravesite has apparently been "fixed" as far as the ground being level or sunken before.. When I got home Jen asked me to accompany her to her appoint­ment with Denise. I was touched that she did and it was powerful to sit and listen to her sharing some of the challenges she is facing as she confronts some of her emotions related to her parents and her children. I really love her and the gentle nature of her heart. We had dinner at Din Tai Fung with Jon and Cheryl. The food was great and I did well with my balance of keto and enjoying a wonderful meal. We have fun and generous friends. I am grateful we are all able to enjoy our time together with an increasing awareness of the passing of time.

Highlights: The hip pain subsided, which was so very welcome. No shooting pains all day. Feeling optimistic about it being a momentary issue, but I'm watching it. Great AM coffee and talk w/Marlin. I enjoy him more as a friend than as a boss :-P. The plumber came to snake the drain, and I got confused by an am call and assumed it was the same plumber I booked but just as the first left, the second arrived! I felt bad about the mishap and gave them $20 for the fuel/inconvenience. My bad. I got through sorting assorted junk from the bedroom and updated the files with labels and such so our paperwork is far more accessible and organized. Jen and I went and browsed around Savers and she got some fun stuff for the dining room. I just enjoyed walking about, being present, and listening to my favorite songs. I'm disappointed in the guys at Autobahn for taking our car for 2 nights now, and Jen authorized brake work at a cost I consider double anything reasonable… that's the last time I'm going there. Good appointment with Denisse… she liked my healthy perspective that came from the retreat and my "Jen and Zen" mindset.

Accomplishments: Fixed the mini mirror and roof trim.

Anticipation: Jikoji am

Goals: For fuck sake … getting back under 180 already.

Gratitudes: Music, memories, and mindful awareness.

Highlights: The hip pain subsided, which was so very welcome. No shooting pains all day. Feeling optimistic about it being a momentary issue, but I'm watching it. Great AM coffee and talk w/Marlin. I enjoy him more as a friend than as a boss :-P. The plumber came to snake the drain, and I got confused by an am call and assumed it was the same plumber I booked but just as the first left, the second arrived! I felt bad about the mishap and gave them $20 for the fuel/inconvenience. My bad. I got through sorting assorted junk from the bedroom and updated the files with labels and such so our paperwork is far more accessible and organized. Jen and I went and browsed around Savers and she got some fun stuff for the dining room. I just enjoyed walking about, being present, and listening to my favorite songs. I'm disappointed in the guys at Autobahn for taking our car for 2 nights now, and Jen authorized brake work at a cost I consider double anything reasonable… that's the last time I'm going there. Good appointment with Denisse… she liked my healthy perspective that came from the retreat and my "Jen and Zen" mindset.
Accomplishments: Fixed the mini mirror and roof trim.
Anticipation: Jikoji am
Goals: For fuck sake … getting back under 180 already.

Gratitudes: Music, memoies, and mindful awareness.

I am returning to the remarkable after taking a few days off because the recent sharp pain in my left elbow was possibly due to all the writing I have been doing lately. Left hand, left elbow, and indeed, awkward abstract and sub-optimal positions and posture may have created this situation; with a short break, the pain has subsided, and on parallel, I am switching to being seated upright with a writing pad/surface on my lap. I am also noticing that the grip I hold the stylus with feels tense and rigid as If I am waiting for an attempt to grab the pen from my hand. I've had a good day being mindful and present. I took time to accompany Jen on a grocery run, and we also stopped at ATT to consolidate our phone plans. It was a more convoluted process than even the employee helping anticipated. Well over an hour later, we exited successfully. Jen commented on how gracefully I rolled with the situation-no of tension, frustration or upset. It simply was what it was, and I was fine accepting that. Another customer on the stone was upset about something or other, and I recognized how I can and have been at similar times. It was validating. I had a good walk to coffee with J. S., and we enjoyed the coffee, weather and camaraderie. I took Tommy out to dinner with Jen at "Hero Ranch Kitchen," As I stepped out of our front door, I was seized with a breath-stopping sharp pain in my right hip. It was very hard to walk on it, but we all continued to dinner. The meal was phenomenal. This may be my new go-to for appetizers and meals. we tried several things, we splurged, and they were all wonderful, unique, well-presented and delicious. I felt fine at the table, but the pain returned when I stood up to leave. It was the kind of pain you wince violently with. I managed to return to the car with a few stops, deep breaths and chattering teeth. Back at home, I took some painkillers and sat with a heating pad on my side. I'm hoping my sleep is not impacted and, more importantly, that I don't leap out of bed in the morning without thinking. Yikes.

Highlights: early rise due to Scottie's not feeling well. Washing machine backing up due to Tommy's using garbage disposal for Brussels. Initial anger at the situation gave way to rolling with it as something that happens. And did to me last year. Jikoji am was wonderful. Really enjoyed the conversations all around. I'm officially on the publication committee to help with tech needs. I have been having pain in my left elbow, Jen identified it as being from so much handwriting. Cleaned the mini. Scheduled appointment for suspension inspection next week. Lunch with Tommy and Dinner at dry creek. Did great at both re eating well.

I returned to Folsom via Amtrak this morning to pick up the Mini Cooper. It turns out both left-side tires sustained damage. I also discovered that the "rollbar" was somehow triggered, and one side was sticking up a bit. I never noticed it was that way until today, but it makes sense. Lauren met me at the station, and after getting the car, we had lunch and then returned to Sac, where we met up with Sabrina for coffee. Then we piddled around town until we went to Zocalo. Matt came, and we hung out awhile there. We closed the day with "Icicles" before I drove home with the top down, listening to an amazing Michael Pollen interview. I timed things well when I went by SJ Airport as a plane flew over with the top down. Jen moved the bedroom furniture around and we're gonna see how it work in the new setup. I heard from Sabrina today that Joe Baker passed away yesterday. He was a fixture at Care2 for many years. It was a shock to learn of but also powerful to realize that he passed away while hiking, something he loved dearly and not gradually through a progressive illness and decline. That seemed so fitting and somewhat poetic.

Accomplishments: Got the mini back safe and sound.

Anticipation: Jikoji meditation tomorrow AM, board meeting tomorrow PM.

Goals: Get the mini inspected this week.

Gratitudes: Recognizing a tangible thread of connection to life and mortality through, you guessed it, life, and mortality.

One Sentence Summary: For not having a job, I have a lot of things filling up my time.

Oh, and today I learned that Lauren's mini Cooper has a popup roll-bar that triggers on perceived impact to protect passengers in the event of a roll. Fascinating!

 

My second full day at this meditation retreat started pretty much the same as the prior one. But I will admit that I am a little more attuned to and less resistant to the opportunity to just slow the fuck down. Seriously. I feel the compulsion still to be "in action mode" around a list of things I feel ownership of. Yet that distracts from the whole purpose of being here: To take a break and focus on my own well-being. I am becoming more and more aware, daily, of how I am seeking out and acting on distractions as an avoidance. Why would I do that if allowed to be relieved of that? Part of it is about my comfort zone, part of it is obligation and part of it is self-worth. All areas I am aware of and working on. As is expected. We are never "done" improving. At this point, I am pretty much "Zen' d "out. I am glad I did this, and just as my time at Jikoji led me down paths of new opportunities and insight, so has this. Now I want to start applying the things I have learned, re-learned, or reinforced in my next chapter. 2023 has already been a year of substantial transition, and that will certainly continue, at least until my next career path and revenue stream have been established sufficiently, and I have mere confidence in the road into and thru 2024. I shared with Jennifer that I want "what's next" for each of us to be simply enjoying whatever we do to be financially stable and evolve and maintain our home to be a space of complete comfort and relaxation. A place we would choose to return to for a getaway vacation did we not already live there. Spring is upon us, and Summer comes next, so I intend to start immediately on making the changes needed for that vision to become a reality.

Day one (full) at the silent meditation retreat. I slept reasonably well, considering I am in a tiny (twin) bed in a tiny room with thin walls and a snoring neighbor. I assume it's a male because whoever it is, they pee standing up. Giving up my phone meant I have no clock, but I was awake in time for the 7 am bell-ringing and the 7:30 meditation. There were six 30-minute meditations today, along with six "walking" meditations and four talks. Tomorrow is the same. And I am so tired I almost fell asleep in one of the meditations, and I also "jolted" out of an impending sleep while making some sort of grunting noise! I don't know if there was more noise made (snoring?) or even if anybody other than me noticed because nobody would tell me given that it would be a bit impolite to point it out and, well, it's a silent retreat so, no talking anyway! Snoring and grunting as you jolt back into a waking state is ok, though. Oh, and so is farting. But that was not me, it was somebody nearby that clearly reached a physically relaxed enough state to break silence by breaking wind. I don't feel so bad about nodding off now. This whole exercise is about being as present and in the moment as possible, and I have had a few good moments of just that. It's an elusive state to be in, given all of the decades of conditioning and behavior that have reinforced always being in thought, let alone always trying to be aware of and even prepared for anything and everything happening around you. One positive aspect of this retreat has been the talks that validate and support a good deal of what I have been focused on these past few years. Mortality. Inner-critic. Self-judgment. Mindfulness. Being in the moment. Gratitude for all you have. Recognition of the universal chaos over which you have little if any control. One other insightful observation made was one I fully relate to. We can set goals or make plans, and when the day comes for whatever experience we have awaited, we are too easily distracted by all of the other thoughts or tasks or next goals to be fully engaged in the one we are experiencing. That rings true for me with this retreat. I signed up for it months ago. I paid for it too. I talk about how great it would be to just detach and de-tech for a full weekend and get introspective. Yet when the day is finally here, and I am in that place to do that thing, I am missing my wife, I am ruminating about my next job options, I am wondering if the tires are all that got damaged in the pothole incident and I am wondering if my son will ever find his own space of peace and happiness after all he has wrestled with including our relationship. If I had my own car, I might have left tonight due to my inability to keep all those thoughts compartmentalized as things that can wait. Thoughts are just thoughts. Not all thoughts warrant action; many are simply momentary illusions or misperceptions. Staying mindful and balanced is where the sorting occurs. It's been a long full day, and since I have "survived" this so far and have no easy escape within reach, I guess I will stick around tomorrow and see what that day brings.

This morning I got up and let Jen sleep in. I did that not only because I try to swap such gestures routinely but also in gratitude for all she does, and in particular, today, she will be on solo dog duty for the next three days while I attend a silent retreat, which is where I am right now. This won't likely publish because I will send it via the remarkable, which is not an authorized email sender for my blog's auto-post feature. Yet. So this will be a test. The retreat is also a test of my willpower, focus and determination. I turned in my phone for the entire 3 days. I am surprised at how difficult that was. Yet I do feel like I have more to gain by doing so than I have to lose. It's about being 100% present and in the moment, free from the temptation to check emails or take and send photos and share my experiences relatively in real-time, which I was doing all of. My only distraction might be writing about the day, which I will reserve for the day's end. As I leaned on and looked out the window of my tiny room at this Jesuit center towards the city lights in the distance, I envisioned it as an opening scene for a movie I would love to script, along with having tuned in to my phone before standing on the patio, hearing a deer walking through the forest floor and seeing the wind-blown trees moving as if a gigantic deer was about to break through them. It was a moment of being present and appreciating the time I am fortunate enough to be spending here, as have many generations going back to its origin in the 1920s. Not to mention the inhabitants of these lands going back hundreds of years prior. All of them have lived each of their lives possibly doing the same as I did tonight - hearing something walking, watching winds blowing a tree's branches, and maybe even reflecting on their own opportunities and gratitude. They may have even suffered the snoring of somebody nearby, as I now do. The earplugs help.

I am back on the "remarkable" with the pen for the moment. It's become more natural to write nightly this way than typing. I can't fully explain that beyond my age and experience before technology became a default. I have fond memories of sitting on the patio of the Loma Vista house with an iced tea and a pad of paper and a pen. That has come back around and it's bringing out a new level ot engagement in how my thoughts flow. maybe its as simple as the emotional connection to my handwritten words. Anyway, today was a good day. Low key but still with its own mini drama's and successes. I reached out to or insurance agent about the Mini Cooper tires and got some good advice on how to proceed depending on the outcome of the tire replacement and findings. Sadly and IMHO completely unjustly, damage from a pothole is considered the drivers fault. So would having veered into the snowbank on the right or into oncoming traffic on the left in order to avoidthe pothole, had we even seen it coming. That is fucked up and makes me really despise insurance being legally required. What a con. In other news there was a reorganization at Cane2 that I had been told about in advance. Some at what I was told was not what happened. In the end I believe there is a lot more behind this than the way its been presented. It looks like a controlled change being rolled out in a coordinated manner for optics and "spin", but I strongly suspect, based on 12 years of experience, that there was a board decision behind it all that was not initiated by the founders. At this point I don't care. I have learned in the past 3 months that my life and my identity are in no way connected to how I have made a living up to now. Tommy used the BMW today while leaving his Tesla to charge and he had issues getting it to start at lunch. He got it jump started and so far its fine but I'll need to check at in the morning. Jen and I took food and wine to my mom's for dinner. I did not drink or eat the cookies and felt good having that self control. It was a nice visit and its something I want to strive for weekly. Tomorrow I head to a four-day meditation retreat in Los Altos through Big Heart City in S. F. Its a silent retreat and I hope to spend a good deal of time being present, in the moment, and mindful. I will likely be writing a lot, too. We'll see what makes it off the page and onto the internet. Back Sunday night.

A pronunciation tip: there are two "T's" in "Important." The first is not silent.


It's been an eventful few days. Tommy helped me sell the CRV. I visited Lauren Sun and Mon. Sunday we drove to Jackson, Sutter Creek, El Dorado Hills, and had a great meal at Rio Cafe on the water by the Sacramento bridge at sunset. Epic, and the cheese bread was amazing. The stay at Arden Star worked out well and I'll return for future needs. I got ahold of EDD and a very nice guy named David helped me reinstate my benefits, which was a huge relief. Our tahoe drive was wonderful until we hit an awful pothole, so bad that it caused a 'pinch flat'. We realized it climing the hill out of Tahoe. We returned and found no options for repair so, with consideration of the worse-case scenario, we utilized the 'run flat' nature of the tires to drive 50mph from Tahoe to Folsom, flashers on the whole way. And we made it, took it to America's Tire Center on Bidwell, and left it for them to replace two tires which had to be ordered. Unless they find some other issue when changing it, I'll get it Monday and drive it back home. The best part was that I didn't get upset about it, only a bit anxious. AND we got Lauren back in time, via Uber, to have enchiladas at Zocolo and be at work by 7pm. Tommy offered to come get me and I regreted it quickly 4beause he'd worked a long day and was already tired. He drives faster and more aggressively than I and it makes me nervous. I hung with Matt C until Tommy arrived which was great and as always, good conversations were shared. I got home around 11.40 pm and the stress of the day made sleeping difficult. Today was a productive day at home, spent working through my to list including starting the Cobra documentation, setting up the new business credit card, paying final property taxes, going through papers and mail and such. The TypeFolio arrived and I'm using it now. I'm liking it, it's a good option for the reMarkable, but it feels far less personal than handwriting does. I coordinate with Michael P on the transfer of the credientials for Jikoji so that's done and next week I hope to be helping more with things. This week I'll be at the Big Heart City silent retreat. Tommy's staying at Pajaro Dunes with the Marioni's tonight and likely other nights this week.

I made a trek to Jikoji for Friday morning Zazen. It was a very small group: Miquel, Gerow, Nick, and a visiting teacher, "Oscan", who is leading the week-long sesshin next week. I opt'd to skip breakfast because I had so many things to manage back home. The disability hold up continues to need resolution and my hands are tied. Highway 9 remained open but there were at least 4 one-lane stopping point where tree limbs were being collected and shredded in massive wood chippers. Jen and I went to the Cass winery pickup party. The curry chicken was awesome as was the range of cheese and of course, the wines. The pours were liberal and, as has been the case repeatedly during the last le months, it caught up with me later. Significantly. So much so that I'm calling time out. No more drinking. At least not until some other critical areas of my life are stable. I don't need depressants right now. I felt like shit all night and got up at 3:30 am. I am proud of the fact that I kept my perspective reasonably well but I started out quite down. Jen went to reunite with her cousins and I stayed home with Tommy and the dogs, we had a good lunch at Darla's, the former "Basin" in Saratoga. He got things started with selling my CRV. I submit my business license application. I paid all but $ 6k of the property tax after working out the logic of using the new credit card.

Highlights: Lunch with Tim Csybanyi at Aqui. A good call with Eric Fisher and Francesco regarding my upcoming Boulder trip. (I have homework). A good session with Denise. (I have homework). A pleasant experience at Testarossa Winery, enjoying Pinot Noir, cheese, meats, and my glowing wife as we talk through some strategies for the year ahead.

Anticipation: Going to Jikoji tomorrow am, and Cass pickup party in the PM.

Goals: Define my Q2 2023 goals and objectives tomorrow/Saturday.

Gratitudes: Friendships and the support of my family.

One Sentence Summary: Whatever comes my way, I'll survive and be ok, unless it's death.

Moving the dog helped with the sleep issues. I considered taking on Ambian but passed on doing so, and all went well. Jen was kind enough to let me sleep in while she fed the demanding dogs. I was still up within 30 minutes because I needed to call the EDD. I am glad I did. I was planning to visit Lauren today but changed my mind late last night when I considered my options to delay it until Sunday. I managed to get thru to the EDD by calling early. They stopped payments because they took work documents to indicate I was being paid in full in parallel via MetLife's supplemental coverage. It's stunning that there is zero communication or access to this information... I contacted work so they know to anticipate the call. I met JS for coffee and to bounce our idealized and unrealistic retirement fantasies off of one another. I got an unknown caller call that I only answered due to the EDD efforts underway, and it turned out to be Bryan, one of the Jikoji board members. Two people bowed out of their respective tech roles, and he asked if I could help. I said I would certainly help to "sift through" things to help determine what I could help with. It seems there is or was some internal drama. I see this as an opportunity to incorporate my ongoing involvement and practice within the community, but It's also a bit of a warning sign. I will talk to them about that later this week. Jen and I took the dogs for an evening walk. That was needed and pleasant. We decided on the walk to leverage the gopher onslaught of our yard to investigate getting the lawn pulled out and redoing the landscaping with drought and gopher-resistant plants and ground coverings. I'll get some bids, and we will see what we can afford to pay for vs. doing it ourselves. I continue to struggle with focusing on key priorities us distractions, though. Tomorrow will be a busy day as it stands. Still, between now and Sunday, I need to update my LinkedIn profile along with my resume and revisit the EOL materials so I can begin creating a process and presentation as I lean back into that arena.

I slept poorly. The dog in the middle simply does not work. So, getting up and out the door in order to go to Jikoji was hard enough that I almost gave in to the fatigue and crawled back under the covers. But I pushed myself up and out the door. Black Road worked well, and I arrived in time with a few minutes to spare. My sit was ok, but after two weeks of fragmented home efforts, It was not my best. But there were moments of success. I was happy to find Luke, Amanda, Charles, Miguel and Nick present. I felt welcomed, even missed during the past few weeks. That felt nice. When does feeling valued not? I helped with breakfast. I mindfully tried to listen actively. There is an interest in my helping update the website for event registrations and payment so I will help with that. I learned that Luke leaves tomorrow for Boulder. He and I had talked about my wanting him and Eric Fisher to meet. And I will be visiting Eric in Boulder at the end of April. How about that for synchronicity.' And to top it off, Charles introduced the idea that I might give a talk at an event in the near future about death, facing mortality and ensuring you have all of your affairs in order. That took me by surprise. I had forgotten having shared that aspiration. This would be a wonderful opportunity to lean into and work towards a personal goal. Less talk, more action. I returned back down via Highway 9, which it turns out is open after all. Apple maps suck for current info, although, to be fair, Caltrans itself indicated closures too, so… follow the source of the source. Jen is still upset about Adam's move. I tried to point out the waste of energy, the possible good, the fact that nothing is permanent and more... But I do understand how easy trap hindsight with second-guessing can be. I am still in SDI limbo, coming up on a full month of no payments since 3/7. WTF? I was proud of my patience in dealing with the inability to get thru on a call (and using commas to create a one-tap dialing option for easier attempts). I may abandon the effort tomorrow when I go visit Lauren, but I will need to resume Thursday. I think so much of this was screwed up with the change of dates, and I don't have a lot of faith that I will get any of this feed easily. It's frustrating, and I could make myself sick by personalizing or second-guessing how I might have avoided this had I known then what I know now. Sound familiar? Life. :-/

A quick summary: Enjoyable morning with Jen, including going to GOBM for the wine sale, and what you see above was about $230. We've spent that much on club shipments elsewhere. I'm excited about the options we found, and I'm glad I put the time into finding what should last us for a year or more as "cellar savers." I put the frame and caulking around the electric panel thanks to JS's help trimming the wood about 1/4". I was approved for a Chase Business Credit Card that should prove handy for 2023's needs. It has some good options, including some cash-back incentives, and it's good to start applying for such while I still have a job. :-/. I'm all set up to go to Jikoji tomorrow and look forward to doing so. This time, I'll take the right road. Literally.

Sadly missed out on my plan to return to Jikoji today due to road closures, and my own failure to realize I could have gone another route up. I did end up going with Tommy to the farmer's market in Campbell and then to visit my mom. She was impressed with the changes he's made. Jen returned from girls weekend, It is nice to have her home. I took care of several household things, cleared stuff out of the Mini trunk, then Jen and I went to my mom's where I helped with some freezer ice clearing, light bulb installation and I hour+ of online chat support working on restoring her access to our Amazon Prime membership. I had to really focus to stay Zen through that!

Alarm or not, 6:30 am has become the routine for both dogs. That's working ok for me. I'm glad to get up and start my day early, but not always in the first five minutes. Tommy and I had breakfast at Los Gatos Cafe. We talked more than usual, which was a welcome change from a phone distraction and one-word responses to my questions. Matt B. joined me for a last minute venture to the Santa Clara Convention Center for a Toy & comicbook Event. I drove the mini there (I really enjoy driving that car) and we spent a couple of hours perusing the booths. When we first arrived something triggered a recollection of assembling "glow in the dark "models of monsters that you would paint by hand. I had several and forgot all about them for some 40+ years until then. I made a note to research that later. There were so many things I either knew nothing about or that were not relevant to my childhood, but there were some items that we both commented on having had or at least remembering. I found and bought a better condition LP sleeve of "Tea For The Tillerman" for $2. Matt B and I have been friends for so long, I always enjoy these sort of opportunities. Just as we were leaving, Matt motioned to one section near the door that we did not see on the way in. It was there that I found the very models that came to mind earlier! I pushed out going to 'help my mom with some tech-stuff so I could get home to the dogs. They managed to not have any accidents which I was very grateful for considering yesterday's no-so-successful home stay. The weather is wonderful and I wanted to get out and go driving and enjoy it. But I also wanted to relax at home for the evening. I have a backlog of reading and writing to tackle, so I find myself draw to diversions. I stayed in, wrote, managed some banking tasks and listened to more of the Bono autobiography. Now, some reading in anticipation of returning to Jikoji tomorrow after a couple of weeks away.

'61 Plus 61

When I turned 60, I might have referenced it as the turning point at which I was beginning to feel my age and show it, too. Yet as I have recently passed the halfway mark towards the conclusion of being 61, concluding the only 12-month span of my life when my age will echo the year it all began, I have become exponentially more conscious of and attentive to the diminishing sand in the upper part of the hourglass. 61 has, so far, been the most significant year of my life since, well, since 60 was.



My body of writings is densely populated with numerous musings about mortality, awareness, introspection and an exhaustive degree of puns. During the prior year, my ex-wife and kid's mother passed away. We cleaned, cleared and reclaimed their childhood home as our own. One of my kids went away to college, and the other and I continued to struggle to find a way to navigate the tense and turbulent dynamic that had come between us. I found getting through every day increasingly challenging. It became almost impossible to stay focused and engaged in my job responsibilities. I ultimately succumbed to the weight and buckled below it.

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The hospice organization involved in Linda's end-of-life care allowed me to get both kids into therapy to help them process their feelings. Neither wanted to go near it; I wanted their help anyway, to get guidance on how to help them both. What I gained, though, took me down a path of discovery. I learned how to manage my own fragmented grief and processing of the highly complex nature of guilt, apathy, empathy, remorse, reflection and responsibility that came with this massively significant experience.



That counselor first suggested I take an extended leave of absence. They recognized a need I fought to deny. They saw an unrealistic and unsustainable attempt to manage and cope in unhealthy ways. It's only been three months, but this short time has resulted in dramatic and substantial changes. Changes in my employment, relationships, mindset, and worldview.



My perspectives have begun to shift in ways that feel far more aligned with my innate nature and desire to live consciously, without the expectation that I do or be anything other than aspire to be my best. As a parent, a friend, a husband and a part of the whole that is our society and world. Meaning: to do good, to be kind and just, and to hopefully leave this world a little better with my minute degree of influence. To be part of the solution, at least as I see the need while remaining open to input and an evolving understanding of where the problems exist.



This is the beginning of the next decade or two, living a richer, more balanced, centered life. Between reading and practicing Stoicism and Zen philosophies, I have found strong foundations upon which to build. And if 61 was the most significant after 60, the pattern will hopefully continue on the same trend next year. And the years after.

Light In The Tunnel

I plan to return to Jikoji for the Sunday meditation and Dharma talk Tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. Tommy may come along. If he does, I will suggest he drive separately, as I plan to stay for the full morning and lunch. 

I shy away from labeling myself a "Buddhist." I find the effort to embrace a zen practice and philosophy challenging. Yet, alongside my parallel inquiry into Stoicism, I have identified some 81 foundational ideas that are working for me; I am finding light. 

Making a point to sit in silence or engage in guided meditation each day has helped make living "in the present moment" achievable—at least for a while. It's achievable, but not yet sustainable for more than a fraction of the time spent getting there. But it's something. 

So is a healthier perspective. Jennifer says that I can be very judgmental. If that is true, it's nothing conscious or intentional, and I would like to leave all of that behind. 

The other valuable aspect of slowing down, taking time for introspection, and recognizing how little I can control and how fleeting it all is anyway is that it makes me appreciate life so much more consistently than I ever recall doing.

Like the book I read two years ago, "A Year to Live," it helps to plant the seed of looking at all you encounter as if you had a year to live. Doing so can change a lot of your focus. And that seed has taken root enough to just be breaking through the soil.