Day one (full) at the silent meditation retreat. I slept reasonably well, considering I am in a tiny (twin) bed in a tiny room with thin walls and a snoring neighbor. I assume it's a male because whoever it is, they pee standing up. Giving up my phone meant I have no clock, but I was awake in time for the 7 am bell-ringing and the 7:30 meditation. There were six 30-minute meditations today, along with six "walking" meditations and four talks. Tomorrow is the same. And I am so tired I almost fell asleep in one of the meditations, and I also "jolted" out of an impending sleep while making some sort of grunting noise! I don't know if there was more noise made (snoring?) or even if anybody other than me noticed because nobody would tell me given that it would be a bit impolite to point it out and, well, it's a silent retreat so, no talking anyway! Snoring and grunting as you jolt back into a waking state is ok, though. Oh, and so is farting. But that was not me, it was somebody nearby that clearly reached a physically relaxed enough state to break silence by breaking wind. I don't feel so bad about nodding off now. This whole exercise is about being as present and in the moment as possible, and I have had a few good moments of just that. It's an elusive state to be in, given all of the decades of conditioning and behavior that have reinforced always being in thought, let alone always trying to be aware of and even prepared for anything and everything happening around you. One positive aspect of this retreat has been the talks that validate and support a good deal of what I have been focused on these past few years. Mortality. Inner-critic. Self-judgment. Mindfulness. Being in the moment. Gratitude for all you have. Recognition of the universal chaos over which you have little if any control. One other insightful observation made was one I fully relate to. We can set goals or make plans, and when the day comes for whatever experience we have awaited, we are too easily distracted by all of the other thoughts or tasks or next goals to be fully engaged in the one we are experiencing. That rings true for me with this retreat. I signed up for it months ago. I paid for it too. I talk about how great it would be to just detach and de-tech for a full weekend and get introspective. Yet when the day is finally here, and I am in that place to do that thing, I am missing my wife, I am ruminating about my next job options, I am wondering if the tires are all that got damaged in the pothole incident and I am wondering if my son will ever find his own space of peace and happiness after all he has wrestled with including our relationship. If I had my own car, I might have left tonight due to my inability to keep all those thoughts compartmentalized as things that can wait. Thoughts are just thoughts. Not all thoughts warrant action; many are simply momentary illusions or misperceptions. Staying mindful and balanced is where the sorting occurs. It's been a long full day, and since I have "survived" this so far and have no easy escape within reach, I guess I will stick around tomorrow and see what that day brings.
