Highlights: Yeah I guess I was pretty pissed off Friday. I felt it was warranted but also needed to take a step back, and with Jen's help I did. In revisiting my feedback, although I still have issues with conflicting messages and what feels like a dismissal of understanding to a degree, it's also hit some key points worth considering. I recognize some opportunities and I'm working to refactor my role in order to release some tasks (delegate) and pivot in others. We'll see how it all goes. I'm still having horrible sleep. I took a Gabapentin tonight at 8 to see if doing so allows me to sleep better but still wake easily. We'll see. One thing that makes a difference is not having both dogs on the bed. Today was a good work day and yesterday was spent with Jen doing some yard and patio tasks. It's supposed to rain tomorrow, that'll be a nice change. My "Asylum Years" arrived. I bit the bullet and opted to cut to the chase on the remaining 5 LPs needed to complete the entire effort. Yes, by next week, I will be done with the vinyl obsession. Really. I mean it. Seriously. OK I get the doubt but the list of must have's will be fully achieved and as much as I really loved this endeavor, I don't want to spend more time on it. I have other interests. But it's a blast to have them. I enjoy being able to just flip through, and even if I play it on my AirPods via AppleMusic, enjoying the legacy of holding and reading an album's liner notes is almost cathartic. Immersive. Tonight was Halloween. Maybe 30-40 kids. Usual older kids later in the PM. I didn't rip into anybody on age constraint - learned not to do that decades ago. Something Linda actually helped me consider and change my view about. It's weird and sad that she's not in the house as she would have been, yet Jen and I are experiencing our own time now and it's oddly compartmentalized. This whole scenario remains a bit surreal. It will likely be for the rest of my life. I listened to the 1938 "The War of the Worlds" broadcast on one of the LPs I bought earlier this year, just as I used to do almost annually for many years prior. It was awesome to do so, as was putting on the Woody Allen "Standup Comic" LP too. Milestones and landmarks, each of them.

Highlights: Weekends = a time to unwind, and OMFG, do I need that. I got my 360 feedback and ended it wanting to sob, wanting to thrash in anger, wanting to voice disdain... and I'm working on #3. Don't tell somebody they're supported through a personal life challenge like the mother of your children dying only to shake a finger and their failure to step up to two VP roles during that death watch. Fuck you. I'll likely tone down the disdain to maintain the input but seriously, fuck you, you heartless bastards. Impromptu dinner Friday at Dry Creek with Dom/Mary. Impromptu wine/cheese gathering tonight at Pano with Jess/Bev. Jen and I assembled the heater lamp and got to test it out. I bought "A Day at the Opera" and "If You Want Blood, You Got It" on vinyl. Jen and I did other household tasks and will continue tomorrow. Life is good. Challenging, scary at times, uncertain but promising. I have more to be grateful for than upset about, but you wouldn't know it at a surface level.

Busy two days with returns to work on Wed & Thur including board meeting this am. I think I did well considering, yes, a shitty night's sleep. Trying a few variations on routines to see what helps. Sure, hot tea calms and yet, as the man said, you gotta pee sometime. And that's usually around 3..50am. I had a pretty open and frank conversation with HR about the state of the roles/demands and my struggles managing the balancing act of the past year and all that brought about. I felt heard and hope to see some further discussions on the horizon. Good, fun card game with the usual suspects sans Matt and Gene. Turns out Steve and Diana saw "Ka" almost 20 years ago, but they're in for going in January again. That'll be a fun trip. Stumbled upon a new [old] band - the Stranglers. Really enjoying their music. Has a good REM/Roxy Music/Cure vibe. When I find stuff like this I wonder how I missed it for decades. It's fun stuff. Talked to Lauren - she's really integrated well into the new routines in Sac and I'm so proud of her. Tommy and I have been working better but still have some moments that it's best to just walk away from. Still, things are better there. I just need to take life less seriously at times 'cause it's not like whatever an issue might be that I have to waste energy on it. Still a life lesson I'm learning and studying but not always applying.

1st post in a while. Lots going on, from exhaustive work demands, mental health challenges and a brief "guys weekend" with my core "geek" friends from Apple and beyond. We've now known each other for over half of our lives or close to it. Do you know how there are movies that feature a group of old farts that have known each other for decades? That's us sans the swimming pool with the alien pod that revitalizes our vim and vigor. I have a couple of 'cliques' of friends I've known for this long or longer. I'm grateful and conscious of the gift that is, as I am of the gift of having lived long enough to obtain this perspective. It was a good weekend. I want to do more and include more. I'm coordinating an open house to bring more and more of these factions into the same room at once. "Crossing Streams," as it was deemed, seems warranted. I'm back home, back at work, and I felt the stress tighten around my next as I got pulled into work issues even while heading to the airport. Something, besides my sanity, has to give. I'm working to find that balance. I find solace in routines but grow restless with redundancy. How's that for a quagmire? Lucky pee'd on our bed (a lot) while Jen was coming to get me from the airport last night. A welcome home message, I guess? I got through the workday with very few breaths between meetings but felt good about my engagement and some progress made. Still, there's a lot going on and will be throughout the year, which factored into my mental health issues. Balancing the vast array of personal struggles throughout 2022, facing some financial challenges on the horizon, and recognizing what might be a fall ahead in the distance of these rapids causes me to hyperventilate.

Sleepless night again. My mind and anxiety were racing about Tommy's car, and the comments noted last night. And in particular, how Wendy/Mark were concerned about him taking Vinny to Chico. I got up early (out of bed, given  I was up all night) and drafted a few talking points in advance of him getting up, hoping I would have an opportunity to be heard. He awoke and came out, saying he had been thinking about the car all night. I said "same" and asked him to consider a couple of points without shooting them down immediately. I made a few points about accidents, responsibility, risk, and how nothing that goes wrong suddenly was expected or would have been avoidable. He seemed to take it to heart. As of now, I think he's going to keep the car, but I think he's still thinking it over while also being enamored with it. He offered to take me for coffee, but I said we should get breakfast. He's still learning the finesse of a clutch. I ended up driving it home, and he said multiple times that I was better at it than he was, but that's because it's all I went for decades. I had a hectic work day and was blindsided by what seemed at first to be a conflict around roles and responsibilities. Some subsequent conversations surfaced a need to get a more robust line between the 'what/why' and how/when, along with a deeper inherent understanding of all the implications. I can do that if I can get out of managing dev-related needs in parallel. It's a challenge, and we'll hopefully talk more tomorrow and come to an agreement. I spent most of my day managing what was happening in meetings and takeaway action items but little time on anything else, so my night was all catchup. I expect more of the same tomorrow.

Highlights: Moderate sleep, improved, no meds. Up early, following every am routine from exercise to meditation. Had a decent, focused workday. Jen came to a counseling appointment with me and shared more insight and angles related to my struggles with Tommy. Who, BTW, bought a Porsche today. Interestingly enough, he expressed hesitation as to the power and risk and ease of getting himself into trouble. I'm hoping it's sincere insight and maturation, but there's nothing I can control about his actions and choices. I can only hope he listens to instincts over impulse.

Tanks Given Halloween Costumes

Highlights: Lauren and Jen decorated for Halloween. Simple but effective, and when I move the orange lights out, it'll be fun. Halloween back at Panorama feels completely surreal. I'm not sure how I feel about it or anything of late. I'm struggling with many overwhelming feelings and emotions and am on edge. Between the drama Sun and today about Linda's tax debts (short story - managed and manageable but initially quite a different story), Tommy's focus-du-jour being selling his car (again) and buying something else (again), the pressures of work demands feeling unobtainable and unrealistic, and my sense of being trapped in a rescuer/provider role weighs on me. This isn't the life I want to live for another 20 years, and I feel the need to find a place to retreat. This all boils down to resurrecting habits, which have proven sporadic. As I've mentioned before, it's been hard to revive my routine since moving, but I'm down for continuing to try starting tomorrow with meditation and focused practices. As for the rest of the past two days, we had a pleasant dinner and evening visiting the Marioni's and their kids with Tommy along. Lauren made it to school fine and interviewed at In n Out today for a possible job there! That will be awesome if it works out. I was heads down with work tasks most of Sunday, and all the work I did regarding "named ranges" blew up in my face on the first import of new data that wasn't aligned. Vlookups are required, so I reverted and salvaged the data validation checks. Onward. I'll rewrite it more when I can. I'm a bit irked at work and some references to needing to ensure reports are more reliable when they've been evolving and are damned solid at this point. It's offensive, but I'm doing all I can to not take it as such, it's just insulting that somebody feels like they need to get into the weeds, but at the same time, I'm happy to give them the keys and let them figure it out. See… I'm irked. What else? Oh, Lucky ripped into the coffee Sunday while we were gone but didn't eat it, just opened it. Maybe it smelled better than it tasted. The damned dog is annoying as fuck, but he's doing better with daily walks, and I put him outside yesterday, and I think he's starting to get some concept of cause/effect and consequences. Identical to Tommy, who I had to get belligerent with today about the school, visibility to grades, and all that combined with funding and providing a home for him. It was tense, and I had little patience with it, but Jen told me to take a moment and not do anything, and to my surprise, Tommy came around and complied. It felt like a step in the right direction. The other approach was a cliff, so that was not the option I hoped for. I didn't sleep last night as my head raced around all this stuff with Tommy and Linda's taxes and job… it contributes to my struggles. It's a vicious cycle. I'm going to get some 'wind-down time before bed with meditation podcasts or other calming steps vs. just being in deep thought and stimuli then thinking I can turn it off.

Highlights: Returned from Paso just in time to get Lauren from Santa Clara station. She and I went to drop flowers at her mom's grave, as it was her Birthday, and to stop by the preschool where a commemorative "Library" was unveiled earlier that day. We got Burger Pit to go and spent time together around the firepit. Today I got up super early to check out the Branham flea market and returned with a few more records off my list. Lauren's friend Elisa came over and hung out for several hours. Tommy went off to take photos. Jen and I ran some errands, and she made sesame chicken wings for dinner. We finished the Parish cab and opened at 2015 Byington. I'm done 'keeping wine for special occasions. Every day is a special occasion. Jen got a strong indication she'll be part of a layoff when she returns, and we're working out our game plans and logistics to make that a smooth transition. I've been feeling a bit run down and experiencing a sore throat, but a covid-test today was negative, so it's not that.

Just A Matter Of Time

The last few days would have been spent making sure the kids had some plans. I would offer suggestions, contribute funds, and follow up once or twice and then leave it to them to follow through. In their youth, of course, it all fell to me to manage. And manage it, I did. Even after our separation, I continued to be the facilitator and financier. For a while, I was even a participant at one level or another. Eventually, that all subsided as tension took the place of attention, and the bitter taste of resentment overpowered the slightest simple sweetness behind a sincerely intended gesture of goodwill. I don’t recall which year it was, but I vividly recall the first year I made no effort whatsoever to extend a kind thought of recognition. I continued encouraging the kids, but I stopped putting myself out there since it seemed to fall on deaf ears. That is, until her last birthday, which was aggressively recognized, and painful, anticipating that it would be her last. Which it was.

Lauren came home this afternoon from Sacramento. She herself had voiced the desire and intention to visit her mom. Tommy went to the unveiling of a free book loan library today at the preschool where she worked, and Lauren and I dropped off some of her books as a contribution to it after taking flowers to her grave site.

Looking back to 2020, when things were so fractured and disconnected, then to 2021, when we knew the window was closing, and then to today, as we recognize her birth for the first time after her death, I see a clear deepening recognition and appreciation amongst us for the limited time and opportunity we have and had. It’s at times like this that I’m grateful for the lessons I learned and continue learning today.

Highlights: Our "Wine week" concludes tomorrow. It's been a pleasant week with a good balance of attending to work needs in the AM, wine tasting and dining during the afternoons and laid-back evenings. We visited Chronic, Cass, Rava, Eberle, Parrish & Sirena. The best was Parrish (albeit pricey) and Cass. "Rava" was a disappointment; the rest were fun. We're stopping at Le Vigne on the way home after I get some work managed. We had a great burger at Allegretto, as is our routine. The lunch at Parrish was fantastic – the BLT with Avocado was probably the best of the dining out experiences, and the grass-fed steak with blue cheese and baked eggplant with mozzarella that we made together tonight, paired with a 2017 Parrish Cabernet, was a fitting conclusion.

Four Year Information

At some point in 2021, during a text conversation with my cousin Jeri as she sorted through her recently deceased mother’s writings, she referenced my daily journaling as a gift my kids would receive – an insight into my character they might not otherwise gain. Paraphrasing, she said, “… I thought I knew my mother so well, but in sifting through her writings, I’ve come to realize that my understanding was limited by how much I could get past her being my mother and see her as a person.”

I can relate.

I was fortunate enough to live with my mom post-divorce. During a difficult period for her, going through a breakup of a subsequent relationship. I saw her as an individual like me and not just as a caretaker and abstract provider. It was a mind-opening “game changer” experience. I became very conscious of her humanity. It took her off of a pedestal of sorts and gave me insights and awareness as to her having had her childhood, her evolution, and her hopes and dreams, challenges and heartache. 

I believe there was a book in the 60s called “games people play” or something else along that line, wherein relationship roles were defined as child-child, parent-child, or adult-adult. This was a turning point in our relationship and my own understanding of “adult-adult” interactions. (Although I still quickly revert to parent-child anytime she bakes).

I’m recalling Jeri’s thoughts this morning as I recognize the fourth anniversary of my (almost) daily journaling. It started as a simple desire to recapture the lost opportunity to flip back through a calendar and remember the fleeting moments that otherwise “make up a dull day. “ And over the past four years, it’s become my place to capture more than just a dinner, movie or concert event. It’s where I note passing and ongoing thoughts on a far more personal level. In many ways, it replaced (and perhaps even distracted from) my more prolonged and extensive posts.

When reflecting on her increasing insight into her mother, Jeri wrote, “… the blogs you write, the letters you write to your kids, that show them who you are. It’s a good thing, Geoff”. She also wrote (paraphrasing again), “…I am much more aware of the fact that this is a cycle with everybody, that my children will someday look through my things and go ‘Oh My God, I didn't know that, and that that's OK. Normally, they won't get it till then.”

I am very mindful today of the fact that what I’ve amassed over the past four years, let alone the collection of posts going back to as early as 1999, will eventually become the same to Tommy and Lauren as my Aunt Paula’s writings have been to Jeri. It is the most intimate record they will have of my own thoughts and identity, my reflections on their mother, including our conflicts, and the 18 months we all spent managing her illness and passing. They’ll know how much I struggled with the various dynamics and challenges of co-parenting, solo parenting and more. Hopefully, they’ll know how much I love them, regardless of any amount of chaos we endured.

Highlights: Day 3 of Wine Week. In the realm of staying on the path around my daily routines, best practices, dietary constraints… I'm pretty much skidding all over the road. I've not gone over the rails, but I'm relaxing (read: abandoning) some of my better judgment in exchange for, let's face it, having fun. We stopped at Hahn on the way down, and I wasn't impressed. Wrath never disappoints, thankfully, although both seem to be hiring newbies or just lowering expectations of their staff regarding guest management. A great wine can make up for a mediocre visit, but a mediocre visit can make or break a perception. We checked it, settled in, and picked up groceries while Jen managed the dogs. Overall they're doing great. Scottie's been his usual self, but Lucky's stepped up his game and started adapting to travel better than I'd first expected. He's still a fucking pain in the ass but less so and improving daily. He'd likely say the same about me. Toying with CBD dosing is hard to measure but may be a contributing factor (the dog, not me). Chronic was excellent; we picked up our shipment and opened one of the six tonight. We ended up swinging by Eberle afterward, which was a challenge due to Lucky's inability to keep his shit together if another dog is in the same vicinity, but it was lovely to return. I was wearing down by then. I worked in the am Monday and Tuesday and will work all day tomorrow while Jen goes to see her Cousin Jill at a mid-point between her and SoCal. Today we went to Cass and realized we'd been there before for lunch. The wine was excellent, surprisingly so, and we bought four bottles. Waving a tasting fee with a purchase is a good incentive. After Cass, we visited Rava, down the road, recommended by the pourer at Cass. Meh. Nothing made a strong impression. Back at the Airbnb for the evening, enjoying some wine, cheese, salami and the welcome change of scenery.

Highlights: Day two of wine week, day one in Paso. I headed down this am, stopped at Hanh winery 1st (OK, but nothing toe-curling) and then Wrath (endless toe-curling, of course). The dogs did well. Except it appears Lucky pee'd in the bathroom on the rug. WTF? They walked and peed earlier. Even saw some deer but… ok, whatever, dog. I enjoyed the drive, tasting and some wine/cheese on the patio to kick off the week. After arriving and unloading the car, I went downtown to get coffee (Spearhead) and groceries and found 3 "sought" LPs at a used record store. So fun! Tomorrow will be working until 11 and off to Chronic and lunch, then open to whatever. I think we'll be drinking lots of wine and hoping to have a nice steak and heavy red tomorrow or Tuesday.

Yet another shitty night's sleep, but I still managed to get up and out and over to the garage sale as planned. I am glad I did. As I continue to seek those last few LPs, taking a chance on doing so and scoring 6 for $5 is pretty unheard of. Two were on my list, one was a replacement/upgrade, and the others were ones I'd gone back and forth about getting for a while. But for the price, yeah, worth every penny. Some selections influenced sharp turns in new directions, and others fueled the ride. Once I got home and relaxed, I returned to the French drain clearing needed. It consumed a much more significant chunk of time than I'd anticipated. I got the plumbing bladders out and used the large at first but could not get past the next drain. So I used the smaller, which did the trick but overflowed at the subsequent one. Then I went out front and found the drain buried in overgrown grass with hatching pincher-bug larvae. Once cleared and opened, I pulled roots out of it until I could reach no more. I will need to snake it, but that'll be next weekend. I managed to get things cleared enough for the moment but tied that effort off and went about the rest of my day's activities. Jen Jess Bev and I went to Byington for a cave tour/tasting. It was more in-depth than I expected, and we hung out before heading to Andale for dinner and back to Pano for some dessert around the firepit. It was a great way to close out the day and kick off what I will call "wine week" for us. Tommy seemed to have issues with the dogs, but when I checked the cameras, there wasn't much barking. What he conveyed and what I found documented are pretty different, and he was seeming to talk to and enjoy the dogs too. So I'm not sure where his frustrations are rooted. We head to Paso Robles tomorrow and return Friday. I'll be working just a bit to keep my foot in the door on numerous needs/activities but relaxing for most of the day, every day.

Is my tendancy to question people's motives because I often have my own?

Highlights: It's been a busy few days. Wednesday morning brought thoughts of "Misty" to mind as we walked the dogs on two consecutive foggy mornings, yet temperatures got into the 80s mid-day. I'm going through a few changes a day as I adapt to the temperatures and enjoy the whole house fan in the evening as well. An added benefit I've found recently is that after Tommy smokes the house up cooking sausage, a few min of the fan on high clears it out. You can watch it being pulled. Dom and Mary came over Wed to catch up after Jen's trip, and we had a great time hanging out on the patio drinking one of the remaining Sangiovese's and a 2010 Barterra Reserve Cab, 12 yrs old, that was wonderful as well. Wednesday, Jen suggested a spur-of-the-moment visit to enoteca in LG, and we had a couple of Italian wine flights. We ended up returning tonight with Matt B. Matt has a classic 'wind up' Victrola at home and I happily, gladly gave him the 78's we had in the garage that was Linda's, from her father's belongings. Of course, I set aside a select few that will have sentimental value for them, and I kept every vinyl recording her father made direct-to-disc while in the military. Those are true heritage, while the remaining will have less value to them than they will with Matt, where they'll get played, including when we visit next. We found some more great wines at Enoteca, too. This will be a wine-rich week: We have a tasting tomorrow with Bev/Jess, and on Sunday, we head to Paso for a week of tasting there. We're taking the dogs and will be relatively low-profile beyond a daily lunch tasting. I'm looking forward to it. I've been aggressively heads-down and focused on reviving some languishing work tasks, but it's been challenging. Not because of the tasks but the overload of needs and expectations. Still, I feel positive about the measure and accomplishments I've made. I'll be working a few hours each morning from Paso due to all that's going on, but going offline after 11 except for Wed while Jen's visiting family coming up from SoCal. I hope to put a good deal of effort into writing. My backlog of drafts and content continues to grow as the windows of time I have to put against them have been fragmented. A week away from demands will be a welcome break.

Third Time's a Charm

Highlights: I set up the "ascending alarm" again, and it worked well, at least well enough, until I went back to bed for a bit longer. I need to reset the SAD light timer tonight and see if I can get the proper coordination between the two. Getting up early was so much easier when it was warm and light. This whole "dark 'n cold" stuff makes hibernation sound appealing. Jen "tweaked" her back something awful today. I was on a work call and could hear her painful moans and breathing from the bathroom. I wasn't sure what to make of it until I got off the call momentarily and could help. She's moving super slow, and I'm hoping she recovers quickly. Getting old certainly sucks. I don't think she's experienced back pain before, so this is an eye-opener. I had a good counseling session today, and we discussed more "radical acceptance" concepts and how some of my recent "successes" (if you can call them that) appear to be gradual subconscious steps towards that. Knowing that a show will drop because that's what they do and embracing that you can not change that makes it less upsetting when one does. We had a low-key evening, given the back issues. I received my 3rd attempt to get "52nd Street," and this time, it didn't show up cracked in half (1st), and the record inside the cover wasn't a different album entirely (the 2nd had "The Stranger" LP in the "52nd Street" sleeve). And it played beautifully. I removed almost all the plastic sleeves I've acquired from the records because they get in the way of the tactile experience. My search has stalled at 12, which will come around eventually. I hope to do deep cleaning and refurbish the console in November/December. Still, October has enough going on between Paso and Vegas and various things in between.
⚖️: 169.4 (0) (7d avg: 169) | 👣: 5603 | ❤️: 61 | 🧘: 5

With Jen back and Lauren down, we enjoyed time Sunday at the house. Jen and Lauren cooked an early dinner so Lauren could make the train by 3pm and we all four enjoyed it. So much so that we're thinking it might be a fun routine to establish whenever Lauren's visiting. Unfortunately, her Train was dramatically delayed getting to Sac due to a train further up the tracks hitting a vehicle. That shit happens. I remember similar when I took Caltrain places. Lauren was delayed well into the evening but made it to the dorm before midnight and used Lyft to get there. Today was a busy workday as Mondays tend to be, and it was otherwise uneventful beyond a leisurely evening listing to some LPs with Jen, who's still getting back on PST.
⚖️: 169.4 (-1) (7d avg: 169.09) | 👣: 2548 | ❤️: 62 | 🧘:

Patterns & Alterations

Jennifer returned from her Italy trip last night. Lauren and I went to pick her up with Scottie for the ride. I’d agreed to pick up and transport Jon and Cheryl as well; only, I’d done so at least two weeks prior or more and completely forgotten, which made for a tightly packed return ride, but we made it work. It was and is great to have her home with us, and in particular, for all of us to be together for the first time in over a month. Tommy, Lauren, I and Jennifer are under one roof again. I’m glad she’s home. Almost as much as Scottie is.

As I was preparing for her return earlier in the day, with Lauren’s generous help as we cleaned house, I had a few thoughts circling about the week behind us and the life ahead. At one point in the past week, she said she thought I would enjoy the experience but was glad she went alone. Somewhere deep in my psyche, an insecure child quickly ran to the chalkboard and drew two stick figures of a man and a woman and then a sharp angled line separating the two just before the pressure of his forceful drawing caused the stick of chalk to snap in two. As if her statement was somehow a rejection or an indication of disconnection.

Having issues with insecurity can be fucked up, but it was simply an ingrained reflex, knee-jerk momentary thought that quickly passed. It passed because I got it and felt the same in both directions. As I said to Mark and Wendy a short while before heading to the airport to get her, I missed her for the first day or two, and after that, I was, sort of like… “Huh..”.

I remembered being alone. It’s been a long LONG time since I was alone for any stretch. And I needed that reminder to bring me back to a better baseline than I’ve been at for some time.

Sure, Tommy was home and coming and going, and in many ways, our rapport and interactions were generally calm and positive and healthy, reasonably so, and far better than they have been. In general, the time alone this past week gave me a much-needed opportunity to reconnect with myself, my own patterns and needs, and my core ‘baseline’ nature and flow.

I do well with patterns and routines. It’s an aspect of my character that brings to mind the term “spectrum.” Having everything in its place, being able to focus with minimal distractions, and having the mental ‘space’ to think and process and reflect on any thoughts or ideas without having to stop midstream to respond to one of what frequently feels like an endless stream of inquiries and interactions lets me explore and immerse myself so much more in my moments. Just like traveling alone gave me the opportunities to bike all around and about an island in Singapore, to drive about the Irish coastline, to take in a spur-of-the-moment play or symphonic performance in London or Amsterdam, or to sit for what felt like an hour studying the textures and strokes of Seurat’s massive “ Bathers at Asnières” in the National Gallery in London.

Jennifer got that this week. The week alone was needed for me, too. I’ve recovered a small part of my perspective that’s been lost over the past years spent in such proximity. Some aspects of the routines have become erosive in some manners.

This is not in any way to indicate I don’t love and adore her or my kids; it’s to say that I love and adore feeling complete and intact myself more than I do feeling relatively fragmented, distracted and unfocused to the point that I forgot well before her departure that I would be picking them all up on their return. And with routine, as our daily dog walks, the patterns we follow include the same routes and the same relatively routine patterns of conversation.

Her trip has proven to be good for both of us. It broke the pattern and highlighted an opportunity to make some alterations. To find and incorporate more “independent study” environments, to revisit and promote exploring more options in how we spend our time together that expand our shared experiences which have always been rewarding. Ultimately, to be as complete and present as we can as individuals in our marriage and partnership.

I remember the earliest days in our relationship when I’d anxiously anticipate our occasionally getting together. When we did, I was aware and grateful for who she is as an individual and for the things we would find, do, learn, and explore together and in our time apart. I have a favorite quote from one of the books I read in the 80s about relationships by “Merle Shain” that has stuck with me since then. I’m paraphrasing, but the gist was that two people on an island alone soon run out of anything unique, new or fresh to bring into their interactions.

Last week, before she left, as I was up writing while she slept, I heard the soft ‘clicking’ she makes when sleeping due to some nasal-related scenario. It’s just a soft click with each breath, but it’s distinct and something I found endearing and even calming in our earliest days. I heard it last week and stopped long enough to recognize it and remember that it’s something I appreciated and recognized and still want to while I can. To not get so routine that such simple moments are lost to the movement on regular exposure. They’ll be amongst so many subconscious things I might overlook at the moment but will consciously miss should she pass away before me. Breaking from the patterns we’ve been following has altered my intentions in positive ways that I hope to keep focused on now that I’ve had a chance to be reminded of their value, just as I have been about the importance of my own time and contributions too.

Highlights: Lauren's return to LG Friday was rewarding for all. Aqui takeout with my mom and the kids. Over the past two days, I checked off two more of the last of the sought LPs (13 left) after a visit to the flea market, and the day prior, I succeeded in finding a home for the surplus LPs through one of the vendors which I felt great about as it helps them and myself too. Now I have a friend in the business. :-). I put time into cleaning the house with Lauren's help before Jen's return, and we (Lauren and Scottie) went to get her from SFO. Still, Tommy didn't come after all, which was a godsend because I had forgotten that I'd previously agreed to pick her AND Jon and Cheryl up. So we barely had a room as it was! Forgetting that was a faux pas on my part and a bit concerning too. She had a great time, and for the first time in over a month, we are again under the same roof. It's a beautiful feeling, although it still feels odd at times. Earlier today, I was sorting out some files and came across videos I have from Linda's stay in SRC, from the initial days to the final day. It's brutally sad to revisit and realize how what happened to her so suddenly and yet how long her life was spent in decline. Something I'll always regret is that even with all I did to be supportive and engaged in those final days, I never got to confront her situation with her directly and never really got to say goodbye in a way that might have been a healthy exchange. As years of my emails help me recall from time to time, I repeatedly tried to find some common ground and peace, which only came in that final year. A recent podcast reminded me about how in a relationship, what's precious and valued at the outset can, over time, become routine and taken for granted, which is an awareness I hope I retain with my kids and Jen. It's all in transition and temporary. The other night I reflected on that as I heard the familiar 'click' of Jen's breathing as she sleeps, something I found endearing at the start and allowed to become commonplace, but I've missed it this week, and here it is again beside me. I'm glad she's home, and she knows it.

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