I had a shitty night last night, as my journal showed. It continued into the morning. As we walked Scottie, I vented, lamented, and said I wanted to snap out of the negative spiral. I know I was in one. I went into the workday feeling dower, and by the end of sprint planning, I was smiling again. I have a lot to be grateful for, and whatever situation I find myself in can be changed with effort and intention. I worked from Pano and cleared out more clutter from the garage. Mainly the file cabinet. 99% cleared, 1% worth saving—scrapbook contents for the kids. I'm going to start setting things like the file cabinet out and listing for free on Craigslist. Other stiff I might sell. I'm coming up with a simple strategy, and I also touched on the topic with Kathy via email. I visited Linda solo for a few hours; most were her sleeping while the latter time was her awake and seemingly trying to communicate. It's such a challenge to balance my empathy with my frustration about how I am trying to learn up her mess. I recognized her as a simple human being today. She's lied, I've lied, we've had agendas and intentions and expectations. Still, she's a person suffering and somebody I care about. This is a learning experience. I've started talking to her more about 'here and there' as far as what is happening. How she has had this time here, and this life here, and that something else lies ahead for her. I don't know if I buy that personally. Watching her struggle makes me wonder where her thoughts start and where the biological mechanism of a degrading mind throws it all against the wall. I feel good about how I've hopefully helped her, either with her knowing deep down or just feeling the comfort of somebody being present. I'm also drained. This is wearing me down.

I'm not sure my new am routine is working. I'm not getting time to meditate like I used to and that was valuable time. I need to make that happen again. Today was massively fragmented. I saw how bald Tommy's tires were and they had to be replaced ASAP. There was zero tread. I told him I would buy the two replacements from Costco. They called about a nail in the sidewall of one of his good tires and they mistook his acknowledgment that he'd need to get two new tires as agreement to do so now. AND they only had THREE of his tires so they put the space saver on the front right. WTF? They are so rigid and this was a total snafu. I'm glad in the end that he has/will have 4 new tires but I ended up coughing up $877. They gave him good tires and the 4 tire discount but I'm just unhappy that he's still only invested $2k at this point and who knows wha's next. Fucking money pit POS IMHO. I wish he'd never bought it and I wish I'd never agreed to help in the first place, this is completely insane and who knows what'll crop up next. FUCK! Oh and he has to get Classic Car wash to pay for the damage their was did to his car – he noticed it and went to them and pressed and they showed him the security footage and damn if it's not totally there - drove in fine, and then the loose screws on a bad part hit is and several others cars too. He/I went and say Linda after dropping the car at Costco earlier, then I took Lauren at 6pm and we had an opportunity to have some brief exchanges with her, and got Kathy D on the phone with her as well. The nurse said she ate 100% of her dinner. Although she was groggy and shrugging with words but it was still one of more gratifying visits. I did very little I was expecting to do today and have a real cop on my shoulder right now. I'm angry and bitter and irritated and pissed off. I tried to take a stab at cleaning Pano more and that's a total fucking nightmare scenario. It's not possible and should NOT fall on me to clean and clear her fucked up hoarding of so much shit. I hate being there but I also want to have a part in deciding what goes in the trash or what might be something her kids or family might want. But it's infuriating and it's all coming back to me. I'm so angry at her, angry at feeling Tommy doesn't appreciate my dropping $877 on him for his safety, and ht's not going to be able to pay insurance tomorrow. WTF!?! WHY AM I HAVING TO MANGE ANY OF THIS SHIT?!? I"m ready to just drive into a wall at this point. This is not sustainable.

Spent the day recovering from a cold. Really low key. Did not go see Linda, just stayed at home sans a quick run to GOBM for dog food. Lauren hung with us at Matson and Tommy went off and did his own things including dinner with Eric and Carl. I chilled on the couch and watched Tombstone and Top Secret and part of The Saint on the heels of watching "VAL". Then I watched an interesting documentary on Wyatt Earp from the American Experience. Jen and Lauren made an awesome dinner and we hung out on the patio. I had a good conversation with Kathy D about meeting with SRC in order to sync up on their expectations for and process around Linda's progression. Kelly, Bonnie and Golida all went and saw her today which was really great.

17 months of COVID related lockdown and not a pimple. Two weeks of in-person school, both kids and I have colds. Coincidence?

Lauren and I made an early run to SRC to see Linda. There's still a paid caregiver there. I wrote Kathy about stopping it Thursday, but she's not taken any action. We spent some time with her and returned to Matson. Tommy worked for hours on the garage, and Pano and OMFG did make fantastic progress. I was floored, and at one point, I was just overtaken with emotion and sobbed, without him seeing me, as the scope of the changes and the history were all so present. It's just not how it should have been addressed and that it got this bad is why I had to get out. I took about eight bags of clothes and stuff to Savers. I brought home some papers to go through, including some pretty revealing divorce doc notes and comments she'd made. WTF indeed. I watched "VAL," and I was moved by it. Lauren and I returned to Pano to find Pink Dolly, which we did. We went to SRC again and spent more time with Linda. She was very, moderately responsive, including responding to Lauren saying "I love you" by echoing it back. I'm sick. I got Lauren's cold, and so did Tommy. We ended the night around the firepit. It's been a long day.

Agendas are like assholes. Everybody has one.

Lauren stayed home sick and it was genuine. Not covid, she was tested yesterday. But a cold took her out for the day. She did ride along with me on my outing to pickup Jen's series 5. She is back in business again. Yeah I went through the activation lock snafu. Been on both sides of it. Annoying AF but all got resolved. It was an otherwise low key day. I didn't get to SRC at all. That felt weird. We were going to on the way back from getting the watch but Lauren was miserable and needed to rest. Hi I want to be there more as the window of time is closing and if she is aware of our presence then she's likely aware of our absence. I doubt either but you know… err on the side of caution. I've stopped waking Lucky. It's a nightmare and I think at some level he's terrified. Something else needs to be done. Maybe training, or other exercise options. I set up the croissants I found it panorama so they can rise overnight. Lauren told me that they were a gift from one of the neighbors. She said that her mom had made the previous batch just before she went into the hospital. I want to take some in but it's not realistic to expect she'll eat it. Lots of what's being done now is in the sport of intention and a hope that she knows we are there.

Embracing Damage

Last Sunday, 8/22/21, marked 6-month's having passed from when Linda's brain tumor got diagnosed. She went straight into Good Samaritan Hospital that same night. Two days later, they removed 90% of a stage-4 Glioblastoma tumor, taking 70% of her right hemisphere and providing her with a subsequent 9-12 month lifespan prognosis. With treatment.

Everything from that 2/22/21 phone call, let alone her odd behavior preceding it for weeks on end and leading up to this week, has been surreal. I'm still coming to terms with it all. In between time spent pushing ahead, attending to the needs of my attention, the reality and magnitude of this will routinely hit me. This has been unprecedented in the raw drama and intensity it has brought into my daily existence. And it's far from over. Her condition worsens daily, as does the emotional impact that comes from seeing something so brutal ravage and take her from her children and friends. And when she does pass away soon, which is an absolute certainty, what gets left behind, for those left behind, will take a lifetime to work through.

Lines Form From the Ups and Downs

Exactly 18 years ago today, my life changed in ways I spent decades avoiding, several years of marriage evading, and 9 months bracing for. I had no idea what it would really bring about. I had only expectations and dreads of what it would take away feeding my apprehensions.

I was a perennial bachelor who found, through a few deeply impacting experiences with other people's children, that the idea of a family had some possible upside. Once married I continued to wrestle against the weight of my apprehensions. While lamenting my inner conflicts over such a daunting commitment, a dear friend Merrill said something I remember to this day. "This world needs children raised by people like you". It was one of the most subtle and tender compliments I've ever gotten.

The truth is that I don't consider myself a great parent. I know in hindsight how many mistakes I made. I have issues related to control, structure, organization, simplicity, and more. I get overwhelmed when I have one too many things to manage. My threshold for frustration seems low. Many of my kid's struggles and issues stem from my own negative influence and examples.

Yet the truth is also that I think I'm a good human being, a good citizen, and a good parent, faults and all. I love them both dearly and deeply not for what they are supposed to be but for who they are. For every negative example, from picking my nose to dropping the F-bomb, there are as many if not more instances of having a wry sense of humor and a spry sense of adventure. They've been exposed to kindness, approachability, extending a smile, and how to consider another person's own experiences and circumstances before making any judgments. And they've learned that they can pursue their interests and dreams through effort, initiative, and extending a smile as well.

When I separated from their mom, I did not separate from them. I returned home nightly for dinners and to put them to bed, for months and months, perhaps for at least a year. I moved as close as possible and made every effort to make them aware that although my presence in their home might be changing my presence in their life would not. And it did not.

I know that time was hard on them and I deeply regret the fallout they experienced through it. I knew, very deeply, how important it was that they not see dysfunction as acceptable, let alone as the norm. I wanted them to see something far more healthy and positive and enriching, and in time, they did and do still to this day.

They are both wonderful individuals. They have each developed their own unique personalities over the years, and over the years I've discovered more and more about them that touches my heart or gives me faith in humanity and the generations to come.

As they turn 18 today, I remember Merrill's comment, and I feel pretty damned good about the positive influence my having taken this path might have on people each of them touch in their own ways throughout their lives, without ever having met me.

The day started with my playing "Birthday" and dancing with Lauren. Tommy joined in too! They're 18 today, and it's been a very long day of very mixed and conflicted emotions. I talked Lauren out of walking to school, and instead, she, I, and Tommy went to LG Cafe for breakfast. Doing so was my nod to their mom, as LG Cafe is a place of many milestone celebrations, including birthdays, and it's relatively sacred ground to me. After some morning meetings, Tommy came with me to SRC, where I routinely meet with Dr. Silva on Thursdays. Tommy participated this time around, and I felt good about the fact that he has a voice and the opportunity to hear and be heard. Linda has reduced her eating and is becoming less and less responsive. He said that he thought she might go quickly, and without giving predictions, we understood that to mean weeks. I returned home for more work meetings, picked up Lauren from the  Noke's home while avoiding getting into any deep discussions as it's just not something I'm comfortable with right now, grabbed Tommy from Pano, and headed back to SRc for a 2nd visit. We were told '2 people only,' but they gave us an exception. We stayed for a while; each of them spent time with her, expressing gratitude for their 18yrs of life. Her condition has worsened, and it's painful to feel like I have played any role in sedating her to this point, but as the dr said this AM and as my notes from just two weeks ago prove out, the tumor is likely a key factor, not the medications. But it's still grueling and painful to second guess if we're making it better or not. Jen and I then took them to dinner, at their request, at Black Angus. It felt weird because we wanted to respect that they typically spent with their mom, not her. But they both insisted it was ok, and so we went, and all went well. Still, as Tommy said at one point, "This has been a fucked up year". Amen.

It's Wes Anderson's world, I just live in it.

Following on yesterday's modest change-up, I tried it again today. I don't remember meditating, though. I did enjoy just being up and out. As the sun rises later, getting out of bed in the dark takes a bit more determination. Tommy got his smog and filled out his paperwork for his car registration. I did some measuring at Panorama and found the missing backpack in Lauren's closet. Lauren and I visited Linda. She was sound asleep, and even Lauren's voice and kisses on her cheek did not wake her. It's hitting me hard tonight, thinking about the fact that she won't likely be at all accessible to them tomorrow, on their 18th birthday. My first concern was that she wouldn't survive that long, and she'd be gone before tomorrow. Three or four weeks ago, we were considering her going out to dinner. Lastly, I just wanted us to bring food in and at least have some interaction. Her current state is deeply upsetting. The kids seem to be rolling with it. To our surprise, they rebounded from the decision not to take food to their mom with the idea that we move our planned dinner from Friday to tomorrow. This all feels surreal. I wasn't fully present in the cardzmania game tonight, distracted by support group texts and Lindsey trying to get info to help me with the CRV repair. Lauren and I ran to drop a 2014 Reserve Merlot to Jess & Bev.

Lauren & Linda 8/22/21

I tried changing something up a bit this morning. It wasn't my idea; it was Scotties. I'm still managing to get up early, and when I do, I feel the dogs before I meditate. This morning he went right from eating to spinning circles and running towards the door. So I thought, WTF, let's try something and move a few routines around. Lauren has been getting up early and walking to school as a preference. She seems to enjoy it, and I'm happy for her doing so as long as it's not dark out. I'm still a parent. I got Jen up, and off we went. When we returned, I did my meditation. It worked well, well enough that I'll try it again tomorrow. I was able to focus and enjoyed this particular session about "shared humanity". It touched on a theme I've blogged about myself. Being patient, aware, and considerate of other's situations and circumstances. They even used a similar example as I have. The annoyingly lousy driver that you come to learn is a student driver and is understandably nervous. I showered and shaved, and jumped on the AM call. I went to work from SRC around 1. She was asleep. The caregiver said that she ate breakfast and lunch, was reasonably responsive, and said things like "thank you." That sounds much better than she was yesterday. Kathy's not making any medication changes after talking to hospice and the doctor. I got her on the phone, and she spoke to Linda, hoping she heard her while sleeping. I thought of and reached out to Tim and hope to connect for lunch tomorrow. Nevin also reached outre. Charlie Watts having died. I listened to a great episode on "Hidden Brain" about memory (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000532851171) twice. Make of that what you will. The cleaners came, and it's worth it having the house consistently clean. I love it. What I don't love, though, is my shit getting moved—even a little. I have to walk around and return things to their proper place and position. It isn't enjoyable. I got the pilot tires rotated. I enjoyed that brief time with Jen, just walking around and talking while we waited. We're good for each other, and that's good for the kids. I'm hoping the year ahead will settle and stabilize in ways that give us all some recovery and reclamation. 

I hit a milestone today—the halfway point of my effort to get some weight off and wear clothes I've not worn for too many years. And I feel great about it. It's been a distraction and a positive, and I need both. I went to SRC early, wanting to observe Linda's condition. She was asleep for the length of my morning, and when the companion arrived, I left to attend to work needs. Work went well. I then returned to SRC and what I found was the worst I've experienced so far. Her deterioration has been an up/down process of a gradual decline. When she's not asleep, she is very incoherent, gazes into the distance, and seems wholly removed. I talked to the staff nurse and her hospice nurse on site, and her Dr via phone. They believe the medication might be a contributor, but the tumor is likely playing a part as well. The drugs typically make a patient less anxious and sleepy, but that does not correlate to her being "out of it" to the degree she is right now. I advised Kathy and the core support team. I want her to be lucid and aware but don't want her to suffer anxiety and distress. All of this is so damned complicated simply because she is as incapable of facing her mortality as I expected she would be from day one. Kathy may have them dial the dosages back a bit, and I'll want to be observing things closely. Watching her go through this is gut-wrenching. In other news, it looks like the "trust attorney" she's working with confirmed what I wrote to her, including that it's a done deal, and he knows Tom Bloom well, too. That's one weight off of my shoulders, and unless something else pops up, we're done trying to ensure that's managed. I finished migrating all bills to KPCU and revised my allocations and deposits to provide proper coverage for expenses. Tommy's been doing well this week as far as our interactions go. Lauren's been acting up a bit, and I'm wondering if it's a defense mechanism. I got her from the library, grabbed in-n-out, dropped the rug doctor off, and returned home. I tackled some paperwork, including my mail-in ballot for the Newsom recall and a change of beneficiary form I need a witness to sign, so I may take it to my mom's tomorrow while I work on the phone setup, having printed the manual. 3rd time's a charm.

I allowed myself a little break and slept in until 7.30! This was another reasonably full day. Lauren and I got the Rug Doctor rental and then went to visit Linda around 9.30-10.30. She was asleep when we arrived. Linda woke up and said she wanted "a family breakfast" a few times. We tried to get more back/forth about from where (Los Gatos Cafe of course) and what (the Scramble with green onions & bacon) but she didn't answer. We talked to her, she answered one or two questions with one or two words. She did say 'help me' a few times and I reassured her we were all helping her. I asked her if she was struggling for words and she said yes, and I said it was something caused by the tumor and medication, and did she understand me, and she said 'yes' again. We stayed with her until she fell asleep again and I took Lauren to work. Once home Jen vacuumed he rooms while I prepped the carpet cleaning mix and I dove into it. I did Tommy's room then Laurens and Jen did ours. I have it until tomorrow night and I'm likely going to make a 2nd pass at a few tough spots while I have it, tomorrow. It's great having it done. I reworked some of the division of funds from my income to compensate for the kids costs changes and to budget for Panorama as well. David and Julia were at Mom's so after I got Lauren we dropped by for a brief visit before they left for Marissas. It was good to see them, they both looked good and I hope to see them again before year end. Jen made wings, and when Lauren and I got home she and Tommy were at the table and talking about business and marketing and education. I love the dynamics at play in our home. It's amazing and so gratifying to have. It's healthy. I talked a bit to Tommy earlier about birthday plans and he wants to hold off and do a trip later in the year. I'm staying up too late and it's messing up my mornings so I'm going to bed ASAP in order to hit the work week tomorrow with gusto.

We spent the morning with the kids. I started a mediation but bailed because I was not into it and had a dozen things running through my mind. We walked Scottie, and then Jen made breakfast sausage patties. We all went to Costco too. I sort of rushed through because I had to swap the battery under warranty (which was painless) and get Lauren to work. I was so busy capturing 'to-do' items via Siri that I missed the exit, but we still made it on time. I ran the Pilot through classic car wash thanks to Tommy sharing an exterior wash coupon. I spent a couple of hours visiting Linda. She slept through most of it. When she woke, she was saying, "help me help me" again, softer, but still with panic. I was able to calm her down. I talked about us all being there for her through this. They came in to change her ( left the room ) and when I came back, I spoke to her again, held her hand, and she fell back asleep. I left before others arrived. I feel like she's over-medicated, but she feels far more panic and fear without it. I set up the "caller ID announce" phones at my mom's, but they didn't work as expected. She said my news about the house "made her year," and she's happy that it will be a relief of decades of pressure. Lindsey was there and will see if she can get me to help with the CRV battery cables. Tommy suggested we work together on the panorama garage, and we did for about an hour. It was great to have his help. We found a lot of memories but far more clutter and junk. I told him how hard it was to do but how good it felt at the same time. It's a big part of what drove me out. It's just not who I am or how I could live. Two more recycle bins are full, and at this point, the rest of my week will be focused on identifying the clothing that I can donate. Jen made a "Hawaiian Chicken" dinner we got at Costco earlier, and we all had dinner at the table. We have a good family dynamic, and it's surreal to think this was what she always wanted but somehow undermined it. And it's what I wanted for them, and it ended up coming about. I ended up figuring out the phones at home, so I'll take them to my mom tomorrow or Monday.

Getting up early in the morning can be rewarding. Lauren's been doing so and walking to school. I do so in parallel by having my phone away from my bed. It forces me to rise and break free from the warm confines. It's working. I was up, got some mediation time, walked the dogs, and used my time after 7.30 for a range of tasks in advance of the workday. I managed to get a call into Lauren's IEP contact at Leigh, rescheduled her eye exam, and learned that replacing the CRV battery cable costs almost $1,000 at the dealership. Whoa. I'll find another route. I went to Panorama at lunch and completed the left wall, and started on the next set of shelves, going clockwise. I listened to "Cold Turkey" and found it a fascinating look at alcohol and addiction. The CRV battery is in the Pilot's back section for a hopeful replacement tomorrow. The battery cable is significantly corroded. I knew it was an eventuality, and I got a year or two out of it. I found some options online that I'm investigating. It's good to have a backup vehicle. I set up Bluetooth Audio on it for calls. I stopped by to catch up with Martin at Philz, too. He's looking more like his father as he ages. We have a good conversation about how a 17yr old's worldview differs so much from that of the same person ten years later. And twenty. And thirty. Lauren and I visited Linda. She was asleep. Lauren woke her with a kiss on the cheek and said, "Good Morning." We asked several questions after that, and she kept responding, "Good Morning." We did get some other responses like "yes" and "that's good" and "hi" when Tommy called. I suspect the stronger medications are the cause. She stared off into space most of the time. She did say 'help me help me' as she has done before, but less so. I'm hoping that she is genuinely 'checked out' enough that this ceases being the ongoing nightmare for her that it has been, and as it remains for us to witness. I had to hold back tears as I held her hand and tried to show compassion. Lauren had some lovely, loving things to say to her, and Linda kissed her cheek. It's a horrible situation – watching and wanting somebody to die as soon as possible, knowing that it's inevitable, and the longer it takes, the worse their experience will be. It hit me hard again. I keep going through phases of resolve and distance, then see her in a diminished state and feel so sad for the loss of a life that could have been more rewarding than I believe hers was. 

This Tortilla has been on a neighbor's lawn for over a week

It's Thursday, right? Thursday. Shit, it's all a blur. Not the week, the day. I've said it before; taking the time at the end of each day to capture what occurred really makes one realize how much goes on with a 16 hour window. I don't remember much about the morning beyond taking time to mediate for 10min and then gathering things to head out the door in order to drop Lauren at a Panorama neighbors to feed their dogs. She walked to school from there, I took care of a few things at Panorama and headed to SRC to meet with Dr Silva. It was early, things were calm at the front desk, and I got to spend time with Linda before and after. She underwent a 'changing', they were patient and gentle with her but she wailed loudly during it. I've found she can respond to things like "do you want some milk" with "I do not like milk", but I still struggle to have conversations behind single sentence responses.I can only get responses to simple 'real time' question like the above. When I ask her things like what her favorite food or restaurant is, or what things she loves the smell of (I put a Verbena infusion oil fragrance in her room) she doesn't reply at all. Same now with questions like "where did you grow up" and "what hospital were the kids born at". The meeting with the Dr and Kathy went as well as anything about this might go. Kathy and I concur that we don't want thing to drag out and have her suffer. Meds are being increased. We also concur she's too far gone to comprehend and retain and confront her situation. I've really been vocalizing things to her about this but it either does not register or does not stick. I also talked with Kim from hospice and shared our desire to ensure she avoids suffering. The whole thing remains a nightmare and yet something has changed for me. I think it's just that I'm more resolved to and accepting of the hard reality. It's taken 6 long months. Maybe it's temporary. My empathy and compassion and sadness for any suffering remain intact, maybe it's hope that has gone. I was stunned to listen to voicemails less than two months back and hear her saying full paragraphs with inflection. What a shock. I returned to Matson, worked and enjoyed time with Jen then went to Pano to continue working on the garage. I am almost to the far left corner. This is a big task. But any progress feels good. I talked to Tom, the neighbor, about his impending move. His house is a craftsman and it's a very unique home. It'll be interesting to see who buys it. My CRV wouldn't start. I jumped it, turned it off and it would not start again. I took the Pilot and let Kathy know. I stopped at Marks, dropped the echo dot off and he offered to help me replace the battery cable that's likely corroded. He shared a positive comment a neighbor made about me which was really nice to hear. I'll have to watch some YouTube videos. I returned to Matson, walked Scottie with Jen and took off for dinner with the geeks while Tommy got Lauren. Brian bailed last minute due to home issues and safety concerns. Been there, done that, 'nuff said. Really enjoyed the conversation and food. Stuck aggressively to my PSMF plan. Jess mentioned wanting to sell a set of AirPod Pros, and I'd been chatting with JS about buying a pair since the kids had one pod each. Worked out great. Got cheesecake and a cookie from the bakery to take home, went to Jess's and returned home with them. Lauren was very grateful and liked the foam tip options too. Good timing. Closed the day with the usual routine of prep and maintenance.

Our scrum ran 2hrs but it was well balanced, I felt 'back in the saddle and we got a lot of things coordinated. The cleaners came and tackled both of the kid's rooms. This might be the turning point for them to get inspired to keep things in order. It's certainly motivating me and Jen's delighted too. I learned today that my initial belief that I have full 'rights of survivorship' is indeed defensible. I just hope that never becomes necessary. It certainly does take some stress off of me to know that. Lauren got her bioptic lenses and was reading things along with the drive home that she'd otherwise not have seen. It's a great next step towards her license. Tommy came and sat with me last night for about 30 minutes and asked me all sorts of questions about his mom's current state. We talked very candidly about everything related to what the road ahead looks like. He's doing his best to process it. I think it's been a lot easier for him than Lauren. He said that if she had just died suddenly he would've never been able to forgive himself for things unsaid and unresolved. Like father, like son. I've been looking for a GE FM-AM Clock Radio Model 7-4621A for about two+ years since I passed it up at Goodwill in Morgan Hill. Tonight, I just felt this urge and compulsion to go to the local thrift store. Like something was waiting there for me. And there was. Now, $3.50 and some 40+ years later, one is sitting beside the wooden valet I found a while back that's identical to the one I had in my youth as well. Lauren got a wide range of clothes including several dresses that just look wonderful on her. We visited her mom after the trip to get the Bioptics. I was busy with work in parallel. She's seeming to be calmer but it's still an awful situation and I'm waiting for more info from the social workers about their efforts to get her talking more about her condition. It's all so upsetting but as I and others have said before, she's the one really going through something horrible. It's still a nightmare. I feel like Tommy's managing his approach for acceptance and closure very well. Linda's unwilling to talk about it. Lauren barely does either. And I try to make every effort to help them all.

I woke naturally at 6.30am. And by naturally I mean, I had to pee. I was warn and didn't want to get up but I did. And once up I weighed in and suggested Jen get up early so we could have a full day. And boy, did we. We learned on our morning walk that Dominick's truck tires were slashed the other night as were at least 10 others on Matson and York. $700 for him to replace two tires. What the fuck to the N'th degree. Who does that? I'm so disgusted that there are people who somehow feel that doing something so malicious is 'fun', and how can they not consider the unwarranted trouble they're putting upon their fellow man. Time, financial, and despair.I'm appalled, and further disgusted to have later learned that Lauren's friend from the fire pit visit was tired, left her car here and was given a ride home by Tommy. It appears that's how Tommy's tires were spared. Apparently the culprits were to "men" (if you want to call them that) on mountain bikes that came through around 10.50pm, while he was gone. His car was spared. But the tires of the car of Lauren's friend were not. They got slashed too. This sort of shit is the stuff I believe would override my self control and I'd wail on anybody I caught doing this. Brutally. That's typically not me. And don't get me started on how they then become the victims of my retaliation and ge protected by the law. Insane. I also had our fiber internet go out Sat. I spent over an hour between self and tech support diagnostics. They insisted all was ok on their end and queue'd me for a service call on Tuesday. Gee thanks. I returned home later on and it was back up .This morning they texted [automated] saying they found and fixed issues on their end. Gee thanks again. Had dinner with Jon and Cheryl and the kids too. Tommy got to finally realize that Maestros isn't the only place for amazing Ribeye. We took some basil and tomatos home and Jen made a phenomal Basil Tomato soup from it. We went to Home Depot and looked at kitchen stuff, envisioning some "what if" scenarios regarding our next place, when that comes along. I got the stuff needed to fix the bathroom light and did so. We let the dogs have at it with the two ribeye bones we brought home [after eating what we could] and there were in heaven for some time. Tommy's Audi started having issues. I said I would pay for Autobahn to diagnose it if we drove it and left it tonight. Then it started working again and he blew that option off. Jesus what does it take? He's just shrugging it off as if it won't happen again or he won't do further damage. Sounds like the day he bought it. If somebody won't listen, I won't bother talking. 'Nuff said. Grilled up some chicken, burgers and sausage for dinner and enjoyed dining on the patio the family. Used "Walkie Talkie" on my watch to contact my mom, it was fun and she did great with it. Lauren and I went to see her mom this morning. On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say she was around 6. It was better than yesterday. But there were still clear signs of anxiety. Just less. On another note the first thing she said to me when we came in and I started to talk with her is "I'm scared". She has said that to me before. I used the opportunity to discuss how who she is is her spirit and that this physical circumstances is temporary. I explained to her that what was happening was happening to her bod, beyond her control, but she remains Linda, always will.

The last couple of days have drained me. It's a lot to try and recap. Highlights, if you can call them that, include Kirsten texting Linda after seeing the Facebook post I made of the kids, and my calling and breaking the news to her. Golida's and my experiences caused us to virtually huddle a 'core team' of people to see this next phase through and to protect her form visitors that she'd be mortified to have see her the way she is right now. I met Dr Silva Friday am, Kathy and I had the care conference with the SRC staff. Linda has started having seizures and Kathy's frustrations with the staff and lack of action for her sister has pushed her to the edge. Today Jen and I took both kids to Philz and home via Hwy 9. Lauren and I saw her mom and she was better, so the new medications are helping, a little, but she is scared, and she told me so, but would not talk further about it. Still. I'm beat. I have 

Ship Arriving Too Late

I concluded my evening, checking off a handful of to-do's while nudging the remaining dozens forward. I stepped through my evening routine, readying the coffee maker, locking the sunroom doors while leaving the living and laundry room doors open to it so they will naturally air out overnight, checking the gate, and shutting off lights. As I picked up and put away a few items along the way, it struck me how deeply I appreciate this life. I love my kids, even with the challenges of being a parent, and I believe they both love and respect me. I love my wife, whose complete and utter unconditional acceptance of my kids and myself has created a home I only dreamed they might experience. I have a well-paying job that affords me priceless flexibility, even though I've spent the past couple of years anticipating its loss. I have the time each morning to set a tone for my day before my day defines it for me without my input. I enjoy the daily walks with my dog and the mid-day sunlight that streams in our windows in the late afternoon. I get to enjoy beautiful meals or "graze" with Jen at the end of the day. I enjoy the ten-year ritual of turning on a rainbow light in my daughter's bedroom. Tonight I ended my waking hours with the sound of Tom Waits singing "Grapefruit Moon" on my shower speaker, followed by the crickets outside our window when the bedside light.

Today was awful, I'm sorry to say. But also intensely rewarding in a wide range of ways that I'll hopefully write about elsewhere, soon. Today's routine went well, and after some work meetings I went to Panorama. I had a good 1:1 with Dan. I was present for the return of her furniture from SRC. I 1/2 filled a recycling bin with a shitload of the many MANY mugs, glasses, vases, cups and other assorted shit that was overloading the cupboards. It was hard, in that I hated destroying so many things that somebody else might use. But I don't have the time to manage making that happen. I did consciously and intentionally consider each item and I did keep a handful of things that I believe might have value to the kids. I barely made a dent, really. There is so much more. But it's a start. I then went to SRC to visit Linda and work from her room for the afternoon. Given the reports from the prior day about how well she was doing, I wanted to get in and spend time and observe things. It was awful. I've not seen her this bad before, at all. I fed her lunch and tried to engage in any dialog but she was back to repeating partial sentences. I tested her memory and she struggled to recall even the simplest and inherently ingrained things including the names of her kids. Maybe she was just fully 'check out' and in a state of brain freeze. It was so bad I started to worry about her passing away then and there. I called the kids and encouraged them to come, saying 'she is not dying but she is definitely declining' They saw it too. Golida came and saw it as well. Kirsten texted her and I noticed it and texted her from my phone with the news. She was of course shocked deeply. At the end of the night I felt like both kids were home, safe, loved and supported by Jen and I though this. It felt rewarding. I hope they will navigate the road ahead knowing there is still a road ahead beyond this one.

Today felt, just slightly, like a return to partial normal. Slightly. But it wasn't. The normal was a return to being focused at work and being home for the entire day instead of driving all over managing all sorts of things not related to work. The tasks continued. I just managed them from home and in small chunks of momentary free time. Today was also the 1st day of the last year of the kids attending high school. They're seniors. On the way out the door, a flurry of text activity in the support group brought to light a conversation about arranging for Linda to get "last rites and anointment." I shared the experience of her being visited by a Hospice chaplain last week and her evident anxiety and upset over his presence. Her friend Kathy who I am sure has a very negative, biased, and ill-informed opinion of me, said, "I know Linda to her core and we've talked about it many times. I know you and her never shared the same beliefs ". I found that offensive. This isn't the first time she's stepped on my toes in this manner. I had to step back for a few moments and not respond on impulse. My eventual response was, "This is not about my beliefs. This is about her. I'm saying she is not ready." and I dropped it for the moment while I vented to others independently about her attitude. I had been trying to gently lower her down the side of a cliff on a rope. Then somebody started talking about cutting it before I got her safely to the ground. Later in the day I called to touch base. She and I had a poignant conversation about her tumor, its impact on her memory and impulse, and her upset over her circumstances. I did not talk about death directly. I spoke about coming to terms with things she can't change to find peace with it, instead of spending time in anguish and upset, which won't change anything other than making her suffer more. Just as our conversation was coming to a close, Gregory, the hospice chaplain, went into the room. I was on speaker. He said he was visiting other patients and wanted to stop by and check in on Linda. I said goodbye and exited the call. (I don't know if somebody actually sent him or if he did indeed pop all on his own, but the timing was perfect.) Gregory called me a short while ago and left this message: "Hi Geoff, this is chaplain Gregory with hospice of the Valley. I just wanted to give you an update on my visit today with Linda. I know you were on the phone with her when I came in. She did welcome my visit. She welcomed me to sit down with her for a little bit, and she did welcome Catholic prayer and blessing, which I provided for her. She wanted to know why it's so hard, and said she'd been praying for an answer to that. I just validated her struggle and really encouraged her to continue her prayers and to draw from her spiritual strength her faith in him, and I reinforced God's promise and presence with her through a blessing with the sign of the cross." Even as an atheist, I found this comforting because it indicated that Linda listened, considered, and thought about her circumstances. And talking about it, however, is limited. To my surprise, Lauren walked home from school, as I expected to pick her up but had lost track of time. Jen made steak while I grabbed burgers for them from Burger Pit. Tommy was at Extra until late in the evening. Lauren and I were on the patio with the firepit going when he returned. The three of us talked about their mom, and I shared what had happened during the day. We talked about what might happen next and that the opportunity for them to say their goodbyes might be soon, while she was accepting of the situation and mentally aware. Tommy shared his remorse and upset, and I pointed out that past actions can't be changed, but his present efforts have resulted in reconciliation. Lauren is still blocking, although she did say she loves her mom. It was a sincere moment we shared. We talked about the house, options after high school, and how Jennifer loves them and that the time she spends with them is precious to her for many reasons. Oh, and today I learned the word "cogitate" means to "think deeply about something; meditate or reflect.". Fascinating.

As the song goes, "There's three sides to every story; there's yours, there's mine, and the cold hard truth." Few get beyond their own. Fewer venture past the others. Yet if you do, you find not only truth, but understanding.

No photo. No side notes or observaiotn. Just the weight of the day. Yesterday was grueling. Today was traumatic. I helped with her move to Hospice. She remains in denial and avoidance, but she was and is clearly terrified. I *FINALLY* got what I consider to be my "foot in the door" about her situation and prognosis. She admitted to having fear about moving and I perceived her look/responses as her fearing it was where she was going to die. I really felt she fears that and keeps trying to stuff it aside. It's heartbreaking. It's fucked up and selfish but it's also her core nature …. Fear and worry… it's really hard for me because its something that tore us apart. I "Got my foot in the door" by asking more direct questions, asking "are you scared" and "are you scared about going to the medical building" and things like that. I almost asked "are you scared of dying" but Lauren was there. We had locked eye contact, and I strongly believe that's where she's at, what she's seeing play out. I'm trying so hard to be strong but I can't stand to see her suffer and I can't believe my kids will not have her in their lives. I AM grateful to be comforting her through this and that she's accepted my help and involvement.

There's a great line in "Something About Mary" that I never caught until I watched it with the director's commentary on. Ben Stiller's character, Ted, is admiring his friend's marriage and kids and family and the friend replies "Every day is better than the next". It's a great subtle moment. Ted seems momentarily confused and moves along. But the statement really indicates that it gets worse and worse and worse, every day. Today was a brutal day. I took Linda to her 2nd infusion, knowing full well that her fate is sealed. She's continued to decline in physical and mental health. It's too much to go into, but I wanted to capture this moment. It was both upsetting and rewarding to help her. I told her that I was glad to be helping her, which was true, but the extent of help she needed including trying to lift her and move her, both in the bathroom and in the infusion clinic. She continued to repeat please for help, and I repeatedly assured her I was doing just that. She was given some Advavan and that relaxed her, and she slept through the infusion. Once back at SRC she was struggling again and asked me to help her have hope. That crushed me. She had issues with standing in the bathroom and I was unable to help completely. I got upset and told her directly she had to help me help her but standing as much as she could. I felt bad being curt. She clearly has little or no control over anything any more. It's so trying and draining. I also visited her new facility, where she moves tomorrow. It's beautiful but it's also where she will die. I got home, managed a couple of work issues and went with Jen to talk to Tom B about how I should manage things related to the estate. I wanted to get some advance advice and it was worth doing so. Jen and I had diner at Andale and returned home. I was and am drained, physically and emotionally, from the day. I have to maintain my focus on work demands but also need to help Kathy with some document signatures and faxing, and I want to try and be there for Linda's move to the health care building. The covid protocol there is aggressive, I hope it does not impact people going to see her. I had an exchange with Kathy clarifying my request related to support and my taking on full responsibility for the kids and Panorama. I am hoping it works out, as it would greatly simply things. It's inevitable, and I need that simplicity as soon as possible.

Got up by 7 and enjoyed a routine morning of dog food and coffee. The webcam installed at SRC is working well. I spent the AM focused on clearing and cleaning in the garage space while also listening sadly to the struggles at SRC with Linda and getting to he bathroom and back. Ugh. It was and is awful seeing her in such a state. It's good that she's going to the Medical building Tuesday. I did not get a chance to visit it yet, though, and so I don't know quite what it'll be like for her. I'm going to talk to Tom tomorrow about all of these situations and scenarios and ensure I have my ducks lined up and fully understand what's possible and not. I'll be taking Jen along as a second set of ears and thoughts. This stuff is overwhelming. I watched "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" over two nights. I thought it was really well made and appreciated it's use of period language and photography. Even the windows were 'authentic'. I am taking tomorrow off in order to go with Linda for the next Avaston treatment. It'l be the last, it seems. She's getting worse not better, so this does not seem to be an effective option. Tomorrow will be a long draining day. I'm in discussions with Kathy about stopping support now that her needs and mine have so dramatically changed, as has her financial situation. We'll see where that goes. It'll be what it is and it'll likely stop in a few months anyway.

Good progress on the PSMF outcome. Good working day. Took Lauren to see her mom, then to work, then worked remote from SRC with her until 1pm. It's hard and getting harder to balance the emotions that go along with this whole thing. She's showing a bit more willingness to share her fears. Kathy learned today that she doesn't qualify for disability because she didn't pay into it for the past 5 years. Had she worked full time she'd be covered and now her care is at the cost of he retirement funds, and the kids inheritance. What a nightmare. I'm wrestling with it all. Next week will be tough – infusion then the move to hospice. I don't know how that will go, but it's on me, at least in person, to be her support. Kathy will do what she can but she's also less direct. Took Jen to DCG for appetizers and drinks. We needed that time. Weekend ahead will hopefully be peaceful and I have a checklist of things to tackle that I hope to get through including a visit to my mom, garage reorg at Matson, wine inventory, and a few errands.

I barely slept last night. I could not settle down. I know it's all that's going on around me. We ended up sleeping a bit later than usual. I like feeding the dogs when I get up in the morning. It's fun to see them excited when I walk out and start dishing the grub. It's rewarding, like having the coffee waiting is, to have their bowls and the scale set out and ready from the night before. Jen and I walked Scottie before going into our day's routines and demands. I went to Panorama for my morning working time and did well. I was engaged and active. I finished clearing out the desk before returning to Matson briefly. I took Lauren to see her mom before dropping her at work, then returned and worked for the remainder of the day. I returned to Panorama and continued clearing clutter. It's an odd experience. GNO was great, and I enjoyed the patio and firepit.

I managed to get a good meditation in, and appreciated the focus of the 2nd on the Bruce Lee quote about "Bending with the Wind". It fit well into some of my recent decisions to just let tension and conflict pass by instead of being pulled into confrontation that will not change the situation for the better. Work was good. I was passed over in the all hands but didn't really mind. I was surprised, but I didn't mind. I focused on work for the majority of the day. I took Lauren to see her mom afterwards, then we ran a cycle of errands – getting her food, grabbing the GOBM card, and getting her hair cut. Drastically short. Shorter than she wanted or expected. She's rolling with it, she's good natured about it. Had a nice moment on the patio with just myself and the kids talking about their mom's condition. It felt honest and genuine. I listened to more of "Being Mortal" related podcasts as I stuck to my "Atomic Habit" of cleaning the kitchen and getting the house decluttered. It's really valuable to me to do so. I occasionally feel like I'm "put upon" because I'm the only one that does it, but Jen does lots of things to offset that and then some and the kids, well, they are coming along a bit. Just a bit. I stopped by Panorama as well. Lauren fed her fish, I grabbed the unused answering machine so I can let my mom use it so she gets 'caller id' announcement and can just not answer the phone, and a candle I want to take to Linda that she might appreciate having there.

I've had a pretty busy couple of days. I have been rather detached from work. I wrote my team finally and shared the situation. I spent an hour on the phone with Linda Monday night. Most of it was silence, but she seemed to get comfort from the companionship. At least, that's what I assume. Lauren had called saying she had phoned her, upset and anxious, wanting to talk to me. I called, and she did not want to talk about anything, no matter what I brought up. Kathy and I met with the SRC staff Monday am, and they are going to move her to the medical care facility and start hospice. It's horrible to be having to do this when it means abandoning treatments and resigning ourselves, and her, to death. I can't begin to emphasize what a gut-wrenching feeling this is. It's the last thing I want. Wait. It's the second to last thing I want. The last being that she might continue to believe she's pursuing a cure, medicated to be as conscious as possible, while the cancer wrecks havoc on her brain and body, putting her through horrible physical shutdowns and experiences I don't even want to detail. She is "still in there." She is present and capable of simple responses, still able to recall memories, recognize her children, express her anxiety and upset. And it's horrible that no matter what, no matter how many efforts I've made to get her to talk to me about this directly, she's completely shutting out any acknowledgment that she's not going to survive this. In the past few days, she's momentarily and briefly connected with me, saying, "I don't want to be here" and "how can I get out?". Today we had about a 30-second exchange that felt like a momentary opening to honest communication. At some point, I said, "it's OK," and she responded, "It's not OK," looking me in the eye. I replied with "That's true. This is not OK. Your condition is not OK. It's awful. But what is OK is talking about it. For your sake, for your family's sake, for my sake, for your kids, you need to talk about this." She paused and replied, "But I don't want to talk about it." So I held her gaze, held her hand, and told her "when you are ready to, I will be here." Kathy leaves tomorrow for Tucson. Hospice of the Valley is engaged. There are still many things "in the air," including disability approval, that will have to be resolved by her remotely.

Today was Jen's birthday. The kids and I took her to Alpine Inn, her choice, and it was great. They both gave her cards with sincere, loving sentiments in them. She teared up. As I told her in my card, I can not express enough how very grateful I am to have her in my life.

Stayed last night at Jon & Cneryl's with Jen and Scottie while she dog sits. Didn't sleep well. Hope to sleep better tonight. In part, it's because of the change in environment and not feeling 'home'. In part it's because of the weight of all that's been going on these past couple of days. It's starting to get more intense and the challenges and complexities of trying to connect and communicate with her are draining and depressing me. She's made just a comment or two, showing some degree of venerability and awareness, but it's fleeting and seemingly impossible to cut through. I've tried to use eye contact, touch, and words to give her the opportunity to talk more directly about things but, especially when the kids are there, it's very difficult to do so. I responded to a request from Kathy to access photos of the kids in their youth and doing so opened a window into a deeper realization that the coming years, holidays, and such, will be missing her presence. Jesus, I hope she makes it to their 18th birthday. I'm going to start reminding her about it. Jennifer and I were talking about how her brother's completely ignored this, not contacted her at all, and is going camping this weekend. Jen's more sad and upset and impacted by this than her own flesh and blood. Amazing. And from what I know and believe, he's punishing her as he did his niece and nephew last year when they buried their brother, over the fact that I'm with Jennifer now. Something neither of them had a part in. I just don't get it. It's weird not being with the kids last night and tonight. I think it's good, actually, for them to have that time and space at this age, but it's still weird. There was a school email that came asking me to update student info. Although I left Linda's primary info I removed her phone details and updated the emergency contact info to Jen. That too drove home the reality. I shared the Twilight Zone "Nothing In The Dark" with Jennifer. It's always been a favorite but it hit a deeper chord and nerve than ever before. Tomorrow I'm going to be meeting Kathy at SRC to talk about if/when/how she might be able to move to the Medical Care wing. Or if they're going to try and get Kathy to move her elsewhere. I have a proposal for that option that we've talked about. Tomorrow will be another milestone in this journey. August has only begun and my 18th birthday plans for them are all but scrapped. This is going to be a tough month, no matter what.