So much for getting up early… slept through my alarm, I was so out. Had the day off. Spent the afternoon with Lauren. We went to Santa Cruz, had burgers at Betty Burgers (soooooo gooood) with "Dirty Paws" shakes (ordered one, got two, one complimentary). Tipped well. Walked the beach, talked, laughed, took photos. Drove back through Felton. Had a wonderful time. Played cards w/friends. Tommy left for Tahoe, with a flurry of last minute chaos due to being unprepared and waiting until the last minute. I wrestle with that but managed to not get riled up, at least not in arguments with him directly. Still frustrating, though. Watched "Selma". Pretty grim to consider how inhumane our nations history has been, and it makes me wonder what we do today that'll be considered inhumane in 50 years.

It seems I'm inclined to wake up around 5am now, as it's been happening frequently enough that I'm noticing it. I typically fall back asleep but this am my mind was racing so I ran with it. I started thinking about 2021, financials, mortgage, relief plans, interest rates and more. So I set some wheels in motion to look at what changes might be made in January to adjust for any number of scenarios. I was too awake to really be as 'in the zone' for meditating although I did attempt it. Lauren and I ran out and got groceries and the rest of the day was pretty work centric. Jen, Lauren and I made dinner, working with and around and sometimes over each other in parallel in the kitchen for about an hour. It was fun, the meal was awesome as always. I was in a good mood throughout the day including a few moments that could have been triggers for frustration that I didn't get wrapped up in and that felt like success. I had "Jo Jo Rabbit" on while working and it's still a film I envy the creation of. The butterfly scene is an example of cinematic brilliance, with a range of emotions that gets stronger every viewing. There's a lot that went into that, including the very subtle aspects of buildings with windows appearing as eyes looking down into the square and the gallows. It's subtle but clearly intentional. Impressive. I'd be so proud to envision and author something so broad in scope and creativity and emotion. I'm rethinking my designation of this as the 2nd best film of 2020. I may have let the scope and cinematic innovations of 1917 sway me away from the humanity captured in Jo Jo's many characters, as well as the laugh-out-loud humor too. I ran w/Lauren to Costco after dinner to stock up on some whiskey's they don't often stock, in order to have it on and for some upcoming gifts and events. I've not done any reading and I'm toying with the next book being political or diving into the Charles Kaufman book instead, simply to get lost in something abstract for a welcome change. Pretty sure that's the direction I'll go. I love non-fiction, learning and being informed and inspired but CK is a pinnacle of inspiration for me and I think there's something fun awaiting me in 'Antkind'.

Time Lost, Time Left.

Jennifer and I were enjoying a leisurely Sunday morning together between Christmas and New Years, when an email arrived that shook things up for us, and will resonate deeply for me, hopefully, throughout the rest of my life.

Tommy had gone for the morning to spent time at extra hour hockey. Lauren was with her mom. Jennifer was at one end of the couch. I was at the other. Drinking coffee, we were both immersed in our own little activities, when I checked my email, and, through a succession of efforts, came to learn that a long time friend of mine had a heart attack on Christmas Eve.

This morning's mediations included another good one, this time focused on not 'sweating the small stuff' and how counter-productive and unnecessary it is to get worked up about trivial minor inconsequential things like, get this, the printer not working. How targeted is this shit? Spot on. I get way too easily frustrated by things like (and including) the printer not working. It's complicated, as to why, and I think I understand the overall reasons I do so, including that it's just plain fucking stupid and a waste of time and energy. That's easy to say now but when the plates are spinning and the notifications are sounding and the inherent and incessant fingers are tapping impatiently on the imaginary counter in my mind, well, I get a wee bit cranky. Still, and I think I'm being fair, I've made a good deal of progress reducing those moments. In fact, when Jen was reading an article tonight about ways and measures to take to live a longer healthier happier life, many of those mentioned are actions I've been taking over the past few years. There's always room for improvement though. I recall a saying that when you squeeze somebody, what comes out is what's inside. I don't want that being who I am to my family, friends or colleagues. Anyway, the work day was fragmented, as I spent the AM running to the storage in RWC to meet w/David, our OPS "Director" (his quotes, not mine), which was mostly just about having an excuse to get out. I sensed he was going stir crazy and who can blame 'em. They guy's year has been far more trying than most. I won't go into it here but he's been through some physical medical stuff and come out on the other side. So I figured we'd make sure we had the storage trip tackled before EOY and get a chance to just talk to another human. That's something I want to do more of across the board. After that I grabbed and dropped supplies to my mom and even shared with her a sip of my Christmas present to myself - a 23yr old singe malt sherry cask aged scotch whiskey. It's pretty incredible. I have wanted to try it and denied myself long enough. I could buy two or three mediocre or even decent bottles with what this one cost but, well, I already have those. It's in the back of the cabinet and I'll keep it set aside for special occasions and when friends are able to come visit again. Tommy was gone most of the day and will be again tomorrow, so there's little going on there. Lauren took Lucky to Acadia to follow up on issues/concerns that appear in the end to be allergy related. I funded it for her out of her stash since it was seemingly a hardship for her mom right now. I've routinely sent some extra funds for holiday needs and I'm considering doing so again since this is the last year before they're on their own and I will likely not be able to do so again. I have concerns about 2021 for each of us. Lauren came, enjoyed the "Chicken Bake" even though it was a bit overcooked. I focused the evening on tasks and writing. I need to remember though, not to cave at 7pm when something sweet sounds appetizing.  On a positive note, at Jen's suggestion, we're doing 3-walks a day w/the dog which doesn't replace my desired daily walk but it helps cover the fact that I'm not doing it as consistently as I'd like.

Sunday. The week has seemed to speed by. It's only by looking back at this journal that I can put the breadth of things going on in context and I didn't even write a word about Christmas Day. Sleep was restless, unfortunately, and as much as I love the dog he's a factor but that's not all on him. In any case I managed to get up and 6.56am, 4 min before my 7am alarm forced me out of bed due to it's location. Leaving my phone charging by the door forces me out of bed to turn off its alarm. I worked a meditation in, futzed about on who-recalls-what, and walked the dog with Jen. Tommy was on his way out when we returned, and he spent the day at Extra Hours helping with camp there. We managed to stay low key and linger at home for the day. I worked thorough a handful of high priority tasks including buying some estate planning software and setting up a new dermatology appointment. Then we got news that our friend Brent had some medical issues arise on Christmas Eve, spent the night in the hospital and was home again. We ended up talking w/him shortly after that and learned that he'd had a heart attack. 95% blockage, 3 stents put in, diagnosis of diabetes made and still working through some other anomalies this week. Jesus! Brent's in my age range and as he himself said, he'd never imagined for a moment that he'd ever have a heart attack. It's lit a fire under me to better address my own need for proactive action and awareness of my own health. It's crazy trying to sort out 'fat' from fiction in the realm of advice and documentaries. I'm going to setup a physical though, and talk to my dr about ways to measure and monitor calcium in my bloodstream, amongst other things. It was a pleasant day though, beyond that, just having the TV off and working in parallel on our own tasks. I picked up Tommy from Extra around 4pm, dropped a return of his hockey stick off, got In n Out and returned to Matson. Made a quick run to get his MacBook from Pano before returning to settle in again. I feel good about the day's focus, meditations, interactions w/Tommy, being more fluid while sticking to objects, all worked well. Yet once again the daily 1hr walk eluded me. Ugh. That's one area to improve… get up and get out, make it a higher priority. I'm going to spend the remainder of the evening listening to some meditations and/or other sources of insightful inspiration and strive to keep the laptop closed for the reminder of the night. I've been on it enough for the day, there's other things to do and balancing those needs matter.

I got up before 730 and did two meditations. The second was excellent. It flowed into some of the subjects of the movie "Soul" which I watched last night. The meditation was about being conscious of your existence in a vertical sense instead of a horizontal, where horizontal is akin to a timeline and vertical is a single moment. I like it a lot. The movie last night was good. Abstract but good. I watched it a second time tonight before writing this, beause I wanted to revisit it and pay more attention to some of the nuances. I still consider "Inside Out" the best ever but this touched me in regards to the simple idea that life is not about a specific  passion, it's about all of the collective moments and experiences. Lauren and I made a Denver omelette and ran a few brief errands. It was good to feel present throughout the day and even to the point that I felt a reasonable balance between 'doing something' and 'doing nothing'. Lauren likes to get out/go places and ahtough that's something I enjoy too, the pandemic, lockdown and blurred lines between 'weekends' means I want a balance and time to just do nothing, in contrast. Tommy was at the Gym for most of the morning and I found myself wanting to give him a chance to drive, get out with his sister and me, even for a brief trip. I want him to feel valued, and sometimes I think he doesn't. He remains a challenge when it comes to driving, taking direction, not making smart ass comments and just having some respect and appreciation. I told him as much, lecturing again that I'm not his enemy, the bad guy or somebody he needs to harbor resentment towards.  I know it only goes so far but with repetition maybe it'll sink en enough to at least take root and grow in time. I did well managing returning to a healthier routine but did cave slightly in the PM when some ice cream broke my focus. Still, 80% successful sis better than 30% of late so I'll take that and build on it. I didn't get a walk or solo time but that will happened tomorrow for sure. Lauren's voiced continued concerns about Lucky's possible staph infection so I worked with her on coordinating a visit with Eric G. I sold the Echo devices today to a CL buyer and threw in the 3rd 'dot' and the 4 plugs I had too. Might as well. Feels good to be all moved to Apple, makes it much easier.

... and to all a good night

It's Christmas Eve. The kids, 17, are with their mom, as they have been over the past few years. But, tonight feels different. It feels transitional. It is their last year as 'children' and the whole mystery and adventure died out years ago. The experience of the holidays in general continues, include getting a tree, decorating the house, and listening to traditional music. That will never die out. But tonight, more than ever before, it struck how throughout these years, memories were made that will be treasured always, even though they've passed.

Staying up late, assembling a bike or a dollhouse or some other complicated task with visual step-by-step instructions to guide me, getting barely a few hours of sleep, being awakened before dawn by the kids squeals of excitement and anticipation, foggily rising to watch the carnage unfold and then staggering half-awake towards the coffee machine. All that's behind me, and although at the time it could be a challenge and draining, remembering it brings nothing but a smile to my face. As is the case for so many aspects of being a parent, it's something I'd love to go back and do over with more awareness as to how fleeting the time will be. 

I am so glad I have these memories, including reading this book, the actual literal copy that my father read to my brother and I in our childhood, each Christmas Eve until we were in their teens. My brother read this to his kids as they grew up, then passed it my way, and I read it to mine throughout their earliest years too.

Now, next week, I'm going to send it back to my brother, so he can read to his youngest grandchildren while he has the opportunity to do so before they get too much older, then he's said he'll return it to me again so my son and daughter might carry the tradition forward with their own kids somewhere down the road.

It's been through two generations now. Let the third generation begin. My hope is that it'll circulate between our kids and their kids throughout the years to come. Let's see how many generations this book, and tradition, can survive.

Threw together a 'potato-bacon-egg-cheese', uh… mush, for breakfast. It was pretty good, actually, but greasy and hit like a heavy donut later. Ugh. Tommy chose to go to his mom's earlier than planned, which was fine with me, and we dropped him off early. Took a leisurely Hwy 9 drive up and through Woodside and back home before jumping on a Zoom call with mom, Marissa, Nigel, Lindsey, Ryan and special guest David. It was a 'stall and start' experience with some fun LOL exchanges and a few lulls too. Pretty worth doing in the end though. Dropped Lauren off and returned to settle into a simple leisurely evening, watching some favorite Christmas movies with Jen and reflecting on Christmas Eves past. JS dropped off Jam and BL dropped off gift cards for dinner for our next virtual GNO (brillant idea and gesture). I'm surprised by how fat I look on camera/feel and all my bitching doesn't effect a change in the right direction. Looking forward to 12/26, holidays behind us, and regaining some momentum in the right direction again.

I suspect the one thing we can all agree upon is the simple statement that "the world would be a better place if everybody just thought like me."

Got up, meditated, twice. Punted daily scrum due to more than the critical mass being on PTO or unavailable. Ran some quick errands and had a reasonably decent day. Collided, more and again, with Tommy, on numerous instances. It's more frustrating and painful than I can say here to be always belittled, scoffed at and more. Even when I'm trying to do something to help, he's on the offense. Lost it in the car after pickup up Lauren. Literally got out. Then returned and yelled at him to STFU. The word for him is relentless and reaching a point of such upset with your own kid just plain sucks. Depressing as hell. I'm not modeling the best responses. His mom endured it, now it's my turn. The only defense any more is walking away. It's effecting Jen too which in turn effects us. Played cards w/Gene, Bobbie, Matt, Sheila. Steve/Diana had power issues due to a winter storm. Lauren/I dropped wine and cookies at my mom's then drove through Campbell on the way home and saw some cool Christmas lights. Failed to get a walk in. Too cold to go now. Health is paying a price as is my mental outlook. Returned to listening to "The Righteous Mind" and it's very clinical and dry. I need something light right now. May set it aside and return in January.

Quite a long night/morning overnight.... Scottie was in a restless mood and kept me up. Eventually, around 2.15am, his persistence lead me to the front door and out to the front lawn. He paced at the gate and even pawned at it. I assumed he wanted out, duh, but wasn't sure why. As I went to unlock the gate I heard "something" rustle in the bushes and stopped. Not knowing what might be waiting for him, I opt'd to get dressed, get the leash and at least have access to restrain and retrieve him. I dropped the gate key trying to get out and further delayed the exit but once out, he was on a 'speed walk' pace, frantic in a crazed manner. Stopping, sniff, and moving along quickly. I was in shorts, a t-shirt, a vest and slippers. 2.15am and I'm out walking a fucking dog on a mission. We eventually came to a point where he spun in circles and shot out a massive gelatinous turn in one single movement. Suddenly, he was ready to return home. WTF? Meanwhile the house where he left his calling card had a front light that was set off by the motion detector while the birds in the tree beside and above me were going nuts. What a crazy moment. I was about to be shot as a perceived home invader while my dog had the shits. Did I say "my" dog? No, her dog, her being Jen, at home, in bed, sleeping peacefully while I felt with this early morning chaos. I left the poop, I didn't want to go further onto their property and would returned in the am. Meanwhile, once home and once resting again (the dog, not me) I sat in amazement at the stillness of things at that time of the morning. Just amazing. Dead silence. "Dead" of night. When we got up in the am I shared the story and we retrieved his calling card on our am walk. She related later concluding that he'd likely gotten into some bacon fat in the garbage the day before. Makes sense. I missed my meditation but felt very 'connected' to the early am experience, recognizing it as one of those things that I could be frustrated by or embrace as something unique and experiential. I did the latter. When I look back at the day or prior entries it's interesting how many little moments come and go that make up the real dynamic nature of life. "Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans", as it were, right?  I finally got my 1hr walk in as desired and FINALLY finished "The Promised Land". What a great memoir. I was and am so impressed and I'm eager to hear the second volume. I managed to go until around 3-4pm without eating in part because I was busy with other focused tasks. I ate light, which I am proud of, and didn't cave on temptations. I started using STRIDES again, which tends to be a forced effort so we'll see where it goes. I watched the rest of Zero Dark Thirty in part because I finished the book and the final chapter was about hte assignation of Bin Laden. It was good but I wasn't blown away either. I wasn't very focused, though, in all honesty. I ended the night talking to Matt C for the first time in some time and greatly enjoyed it. We need to talk more and I'm going to make sure that we setup something more routine was I have with others, including the Geeks, which was how I ended the night. Great time, great dynamic, great fun.

Is the thought "maybe I'm overthinking things" in itself, indicative of overthinking things?

Decent morning, meditation and more thanks to early rising. Walking was yet-again-delayed and yet-again-unachieved. I'm trying to understand why, and in part it's due to delaying in order to attend to other demands and others needs. I think that's a weakness of mine, to feel a sense of obligation to forego what I need to do for me in order to do for there, be it work or famliy. But it's also a bad habit and my own failure to follow through and make it happen. That's likely more than 50% of the problem. So, tomorrow, it will. I will get that walk in. Today was one of those days that seemed to be all about auto-pilot. Lauren made cookie-muffins and I took her to get gift boxes for 'em after my meetings. Tonight was the "Great Conjunction" and I was able to briefly observe it using Tommy's astronomy binoculars. It was noteworthy, for sure. I settled in and watched the 1951 "A Christmas Carol", an annual tradition, and I still find it moving and wonderfully made. I also watched Cosmos "Possible Worlds" episode titled "Coming of Age in the Anthropocene Age", which left me wondering again if any real hope remains that the species that occupies this planet won't bring about their own demise. I need to keep focused on being 'in the moment' more, as today wasn't a good one for that. The am meditation and follow up listens were great but the routine still can kick in. Tommy was gone most of the day and pretty distant after last night's contention, but I'm also avoiding getting engaged in any way and that's liklely a good break for the moment. I didn't get far w/the am agenda to manage food, but when your daughter makes cookies…. Right? Tomorrow will be a fresh start again with less possible temptation and distraction, I'll make the walking and better nutrition the top goal for the day.

 

I "forced" myself up at 6.30, enjoyed a daily calm meditation, and lingered on the sofa listening to other ~40min of podcasts with a focus on mindfulness. And I enjoyed day two of Raven coffee. I heard Tommy come out and attempted to great him with a positive approach but he was, again, sullen and terse. I let it go, slightly grateful that he would be spending the day at Extra Hour, and cooked up a nice batch of ButcherBox pork sausage and eggs, which Jen came out and helped me finish up. I took a shower and shaved, consciously recognizing that the lack of such a daily routine throughout the covid period has caused me to set appearance and hygiene a bit lower on the list of priorities than it should be. I want to get back into the routine of prior days and even get 'dressed' in more than a t-shirt and sweatpants. My hair is getting long and I'm considering letting that just go for the hell of us but I can still keep it clean while doing so. I felt pretty calm throughout the day, we made a RWC run w/Lauren and Scottie along for the ride. We dropped a couple of gifts to Marya and, when presented with a loooooong line at In n Out I checked and found that the Refuge was open and doing takeout. They'd be closed briefly earlier this year and finding out they were open resulted in our going and getting some absolute to-die-for pastrami and Swiss sandwiches. They were beyond-words-delicious. I'm so glad we went and happy to have given Lauren yet-another exposure to something so good. It was a wonderful afternoon and moment to share with them. Tommy returned later in the afternoon and continued to be negative, belittling and argumentative. It's reaching a breaking point for me, and that he loaned our nice canon lens out to a friend, leaving me without it, and has taken very clearly poor care of the camera (filthy, lens caps and batteries missing) means we're done letting him use it, period. The attitude he gave me after his friend returned the lens (I had to drive him to get it) with fingerprints on both sides of the lens, a missing polarizer and missing lens cap, after I simply pointed out their absence, was infuriating. He treats me as If it's unreasonable for me to expect my things be not loaned out and returned missing pieces. I am proud I didn't respond with the anger I felt, and instead, quietly conveyed that he'd lost my respect and trust, which he scoffed at and said he did not care. It's heartbreaking but this is how my son treats me, his mom and his sister, with complete distain and disregard. I find it crushing but my only option is to withdrawal further from extending myself or expecting anything civil or respectful to come my way. Just as it may play out in time, he may look back with more insight and appreciation, but perhaps not. I likely won't be around for it. I didn't get my walk in as planned, again, which is really disappointing. I did get more time listening to the Obama book but won't finish tonight. I did finish watching "Dick Johnson Is Dead" last night and it was very good. Touching and human. As I see my own mother struggling with memory issues I am more conscious of my own hopes for her maintaining her mental health and well being, I see that even this effort, writing nightly, is a good practice that might help me also keep some wires connected throughout the coming decades too.

The Raven's Claw coffee was an excellent way to start the day. Sooooo good. Tommy was at Extra Hour most of the day. Jen and I ran a few errands, picked up and dropped off a few gifts for friends. In hindsight I don't think I was as 'present' throughout the day as I would have liked to have been, some of it felt list just trying to get things done, which was needed but mechanical too. Jen made meatballs and ravioli from Costco that was ok but nothing phenomenal. Lauren arrived and shared how here final grades are now 5 A's and 2 B's. She's really pulled ahead. I'm still wrestling with responding to baiting scenarios with Tommy, which I know better than doing, and even Lauren pointed out I wasn't doing as I saw she should. Smart kid. I will make sure tomorrow's a new day, I'll get a full walk in and hopefully finish the Promised Land doing so. I tinkered a bit with IOS shortcuts and may use recent playlists as images on posts going into 2021 when I don't have a photo from that day. I started watching "Dick Johnson Is Dead" and liked it, but had to stop due to Tommy's return, so I'll finish tomorrow. It was fun revisiting some early Bee Gees too. Martin brought them into our awareness when they came ot the US in the early 70's and some of their early songs really take me back, and are wonderful to hear again.

Maybe it's just winter months and Tommy's not pressing for gym trips but, sleeping in's been the deviation for the week from my new norm. And again I didn't make time to walk either. Both are good habits, but damn, happiness is a warm bed. I had a good day though, and managed to stay focused on work demands while juggling whatever issues arose. Tommy manged to bring his grades all to C-level or above, just by the skin of his teeth and likely while lying through them or negotiating relentlessly with the teachers. Lauren's doing so well and is really feeling the self respect and pride that comes with it, as I am for her. I regret having vacillated with him wanting to ditch a class and need to be better at just having a more solid line, especially when grades are clearly issues. I didn't focus much on health today but didn't go off the deep end beyond enjoying more of the Costco egg nog. I'm thinking I'll wrap that obsession up and leave the 2nd bottle in storage until mid-year or a milestone. I listened to a few more hours of The Promised Land and will be trying to complete it this weekend. Pressed back on work pressure to accomicated a code-freeze change but also recognized the "perceived" business justification and asked Dan to set aside other tasks and put time into the need this weekend with the return of PTO in exchange, which I consider a valuable proposition. I don't expect this will have the impact MM thinks it will but time will tell. Was pleasantly surprised to get a package during the meeting which contained coffee and more from Tab 'n Joe, and I got to let her know it was being received in real time, which was fun. I sent her two books but I'm going to ensure she gets a Cold Brew as I may do for MM and others too. Jen and I have some ideas for fun gifts things to pickup tomorrow as we run some AM errands.

So much for getting up early naturally, I did briefly but fell asleep for another 2hrs. But damn did it feel good. Got up, walked dog, drank coffee, and hit the workday. Took a short break to whip up a nice breakfast for us, and returned to the tasks at hand. Lunch time walk, which I'm glad I carved the time out for, while listening ot some inspirational podcasts. The "SocialHour" team holiday gathering went well, I liked the mechanism and conversations. I have some new things to listen to and watch, which, let's be honest, I don't need, but some are compelling, and likely beneficial, like "Checking In" for one example. I was in a good mood for the day, and although Tommy seemed to be irritable I stayed calm and didn't get engaged in any arguments. I still want to improve the focus on work priorities as that's a constant challenge. I sent the team's holiday gift cards and covered 50% of them so they could be more substantial. I remotely helped my mom w/Kindle issues too, watched some cinema content on youTube and enjoyed a casual evening. I downloaded the audio version of Charlie Kaufman's book, "Antkind" and I'm anxious to start it, but I'm heavily backlogged and still have yet to finish The Promised Land, which I might continue momentarily as I pickup and prep for tomorrow.

What other moments are worth noting?

I'm continuing to wake early, somewhat naturally, which is great. Getting up early allows time for more that just diving into work. Although I didn't meditate, I did follow through on some mindfulness goals regarding resetting some habits and expectations. Both kids were here and both were engaged in school work while Jen and I worked. We talked briefly last night before I read to her from Mother Jones about my desire to keep conscious about our own balance, lives and intersections. It was a good conversation and I'm proud of my prioritizing that as something to manage properly. We otherwise get lost in the mix. I was well focused with work but lost presence late in the day, partially out of being tired and partially out of being tired of what feels like a routine EOY battle planning for the year ahead when the outcome is always uprooted in the 1st quarter. I ate well, better than I have been, but didn't get the daily walk in. That'll be a top focus/priority for tomorrow. I listened to the latest Bill Gates/Rashida Jones podcast and loved it as much as the prior ones. They're really accessible and I'm so impressed that people put their money where their mouths are and work with their wealth to effect positive changes. Listened to a few other podcasts but mostly cleared out cruft. I'm still working to refine and streamline what I listen to, as the time is limited, the takeaway needs to return a high ROI. Daily news doesn't always do that so it's getting reduced more and more. Tommy's doing well with his efforts to close the quarter with no less than C's. Lauren's done wonderfully, she spent the afternoon w/her friend V., and returned in time to walk Scottie w/us before I dropped her at Pano. I think we're adapting finally to the new scheduled. Missed the bi-weekly cards game after having missed it last time and punted it in order to attend. Arrrgh. Totally spaced it but working to coordinate a 'make good' next Wednesday. Also dropped off three sample whisky's to JS after dropping Lauren 'cause I wanted to follow through on having mentioned them with a chance to sample and report back. I may be making Jameson's Cold Brew the gift of the year at this rate, it's just awesome.

Deviated yesterday morning from the routine drop-n-walk when taking Tommy to LGSR. Lauren was with me and it just sounded fun to cruise about and listen to music instead. She loves Kelly Clarkson and we listened to "Piece by Piece" which she's played before. It's heartbreaking. It's about her fattier abandoning her at 6 but returning when she became famous. One of the things that I've never done is allow any sense of abandonment or being left for either of them. I've had it thrown in my face by Tommy but that's really about his having had to assume a role he wasn't supposed to have to assume. I've written about that elsewhere, I won't go there now, but the opportunity was at hand to share with Lauren how I'd never understand how a parent could simply 'go away' and how much they both mean to me to this day. We drove through Los Gatos, up and into Campbell, stopped for gas and stumbled upon Back-A-Yard Grill on Winchester. I had no idea they'd opened one there. It was a go-to-place with my dev team and eventually care2 team lunches as well. What a great surprise and thrill to find. We ordered takeout for dinner last night and it was all I remember it to have been. We'll be returning again. Tommy made last-ditch-efforts to resolve some languishing grades. Three more days until quarter end. I have zero influence on him, it seems, but he will hopetully recognize he can't procrastinate. Then again I'm not the best example at times either. I may restructure this daily journal for 2021. I think it's become more blogging and less of the goal-tracking and mindful focus tool it was originally intended to be. I like what it's become but I need to return to a daily reflection on specifics, gratitude, objectives and such.

Idle Currents

I’m still struggling daily with a sense of frustration in my circumstances, while doing absolutely nothing of substance to manage things towards any resolution. I’m ending my days reflecting on inaction, distraction, apathy, and a sense of complete removal from the situations at hand. Yes, I am setting new goals, making renewed commitments to start again, to start over, to start anything... yet I settle back into a complete lack of interest or resolve within minutes. I’m not doing anything about my job, my risks of job loss, my weight, my relationship with my kids or spouse, or even myself. I’m lost, and I’m floundering without a conscious focus on any specific direction other than avoidance, from the night beforehand or the close of the day ahead.

Stocking Stuffer Redux

When our twins were just 3 months old, as their 1st Christmas was on the horizon and newly acquired stocking were received, I wondered if they'd hold their weight when stuffed into the stockings and nailed to the fireplace mantle. I didn't get past the stuffing part and of course I'm kidding about the mantle. My son was too big to fit into his stocking by them, having been the far larger of the two since birth, and my daughter barely fit herself. It took two of us, my mother-in-law Nicole my myself, to accomplish it. One of us held her aloft while the other wriggled the stocking up from below, until we had her snuggly in place. I don't think we could have fit her into the stocking again if we'd tried, and certainly not with another ounce or two of growth.

I shot a short video and snapped a photo or two, then we wriggled her back out. The image has been one of my favorites throughout the years, but it wasn't until about 6 years later when the stockings were coming up for their annual use that I thought to print the original out and get a photo of here, at 8 years of age, holding the stocking and the photo.

Thus began a ritual of sorts. Every couple of years since we've taken a new photo, including this year at her age of 17.

I regret not having thought of the idea sooner, gotten them both into each of their stockings, and taking a photo every year instead of every two or three. But, that's just me nit-picking and second guessing. The fact that I have these at all, and that we have an opportunity to capture her growth, and that she'll have these and the stocking for the rest of her life, is more than enough.

I'll keep taking the photos, though, for as long as possible. Hopefully for a few more decades to come. It's an absolute joy to do so.

Today was one of those days with a vast expanse of varied emotions and feelings. I went to bed furious at Tommy last night for what I consider his complete lack of consideration. Why? Because he paired my Bose to his iPhone against my wishes and direction. IS that a such a big deal? Well, yeah, it is, to me, that my wishes are not honored and that the introduction of a new paired device will likely cause me problems the next time I want to use them for the TV, or my phone, which is why I keep them isolated. But he didn't give a shit and I wanted to deck him. The rudeness is more offensive than the act. So I was pissed when I went to bed, spent the night ruminating on what was or was not a reasonable expectation, or reaction, or follow up. I walked the dog w/Jen and didn't discuss it, as she was quiet about it in the moment and I have decided that I don't want to overtalk this stuff, it's getting old. As is writing about it. I left it alone for the day, I know he knows it was an overstep, and like other things, anticipate he'll 'get it' in time and retrospect. Work was good, really good. I jumped on the idea of sending each of my team an Audible book which was well received. I updated my subscription heading into 2021 and anticipate doing it elsewhere, too. I'm pretty disappointed with my recent week's health endeavors. Although I don't regret returning the Halo I have lost my focus on meditation, walking, and weight reduction. I'll be walking with Lauren tomorrow and returning to the focus tomorrow as well. We watched "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart" tonight and it was really good, and showed the impact of a cultural backlash against a music genre on the lives of a family of brothers who'd weathered multiple transitions in their careers, including that one. It's a very 'human' story and dramatic to see how it played out throughout their lives. I also watched a few clips of some writiers that I found inspirational including a Charile Kaufman clip.

Breakfast made with Jen, Lauren and I working together. Tommy off to Extra Hours while we watched the latest two episodes of The Flight Attendant. One episode left. Not sure yet it's been worth it but then again I lost two hours last night to "Let Them All Talk", so who am I to complain. With Lauren's help the gutter-clearing task went 2x+ as fast as it'd have gone solo. Thank you best daughter! Hung the side alley lights too. Costco run again, just to get the desired egg nog, toffee and other needs for the remainder of the month. Watched a few Mank/Kane clips and such. Ripped the DVD image over so I could recover commentary tracks by Bogdonovich and Ebert, and infuse supports them, yea! Listen to more of "Recollections of My Nonexistence" and "evermore" again. Enjoying mixing it up.

Head-butt this AM over attitude and tone resulted in my bailing on taking Tommy to the gym. I still got my walk in, w/Lauren, just locally. The issue was a stupid one, my getting puled once more into something that s/be resolved between he and his mom, but the way he talks to me, dismisses my earnest efforts to remind him of an obligation and responsibility to address commitments and obligations before self interest, falls on deaf ears. Deep down I think he knows full well what the right choices are, but there's baggage and pride in the way. I'm backing out again, leaving it alone, and moving onward. Lauren's doing so well in school and her reflections this morning on our walk as to her own desires to pursue her goals and not just settle gave me a strong appreciation for her individuality and independence. Today's my niece Lindsey's birthday and I sent her and her sister Marissa an audible gift – The Rebecca Solnit book "Recollections of My Nonexistence". She's a wonderful writer and I see something in this that might resonate for them both, and something they'll share in conversation too. Hopefully. I'll likely share w/my mom too once she's done w/other books. She, like me, is working through The Promised Land. It's great but long and blocking my reading queue! Heh. There is just SO MUCH to read, to write, to watch. It's overwhelming. I finished watching "Mank" tonight and I really enjoyed it. The very subtle peppering of homages to the film and that era, from background birds on the San Simeon property to the 'reel change' indicator flashing in the upper left corner, the overlapping dialog of the Mercury Theater players and the high contract deep focus shots all struck me as very loving nods to a defining era and film. Enjoying the latest TS drop of "evermore", with surprising appreciation. Vijktoria came to hand with Lauren tonight, it's nice seeing in them a friendship I had with friends of my own at that age. Finally got Tommy lined up for driving training starting Monday and I will be happy to have him more independent, yet, it'll be conflicting with my regrets that he will move ahead to start his own life an likely be less involved with us. As it should be, yes, but hard all the same. I feel like we're not 'done' but perhaps that'll never happen until he's had time on his own. As was the case for me, only, that awareness came too late. Maybe that's what I fear for them the most. Not closing the circle.

Dropped Tommy and returned to Matson. Punted the walk in exchange for a shower and a shave. Felt great heading into the day. Intended to walk later but, sucked into hte day, it didn't come about. Nothing else noteworthy beyond work ,meetings, and not much else. That said, I had a great GNO call. 1h45m+ just geeking out. Awesome to still be engaged with these three. We're like the Beatles were – four individuals all bringing a blend of unity, similarity and just the right balance of unique input to make a dynamic and powerful force of influence. I still, to this day, regret that we didn't start a podcast in the early days and capture the nature of being on the front line of technological innovations in Silicon Valley. We're old now, we're history, but we are also, history, witness to changes and influences that have brought us to where we are in an evolutionary arc, and still influential, if not at least observing, the arc of the chances yet to be made. I wish my father was alive to talk to about this. As somebody who helped bring a calculator ot the market place, and who saw Star Trek as an indication of potential, well fuck, he'd be thrilled by where we have come and where we're going. It's disturbing to consider I might not live to see what comes in the decades ahead, as is the case for him. I love this stuff. Progress, evolution, and the realization of a vision.

Ejoyed a detour on my am walk, venturing through the neighborhood behind Vasona on foot. Will have to venture back out there again soon. Tomorrow I'll go the other direction, on Oka, and see where it takes me. Work day was busy but good. Kids both here. Nothing noteworthy or substantive beyond Tommy doing a great edit for the hockey school. Watched "Imagine" in advance of tomorrow's 40th anniversary of Lennon's murder. Although there are better documentaries it's likely the one I've not seen for the longest time.

We went to RS Tobacco Tree Farm today at the recommendation of Tommy, who'd gone there last week w/his mom, to cut down our Christmas tree. He drove, did quite well, and Lauren cut it down completely on her own (beyond my holding it as she did). We returned home, cut it down to fit, and she and Jen decorated it. It's weird to imagine that this will end in time, perhaps as early as next year, maybe a few after depending on how things play out for college and our own circumstances. The clocks just keep ticking and sometimes I fear they're attached to a bomb. Covid will see us in quarantine for yet another holiday but I think we'll have to make some zoom calls and perhaps coordinate just having a meal together with the extended family. It's bittersweet because, honestly, I kinda hate the whole 'tree cutting' thing. It just gets annoying because the myth of a 'perfect tree' is just that, and in reality, they're all perfectly imperfect. Like people, when you think about it. I guess I can get a bit Scrooge-y about it, and Tommy's comments don't help, but I'm simple enough that a Charlie Brown tree or a wreath or a few candles and a pine-scented bathroom spray will get me by quite nicely for the 3.5 week period they're warranted. We took Scottie with us, and he was his typical frantic self, but reasonably behaved. Jen was, as always, so easy going and fun. Tommy got his hair cut and I got them take-out. We picked up the tab for the car behind us, and waved as they flashed brights in gratitude. There were two people in the car that's all we know, and I hope it planted a seed of positively in their evening. I have lofty ambitions, ideals and intentions but seldom really do take time, effort or funds and put my money where my mouth is. I would like to keep this in mind and start doing something, anything, other than complaining, which solves nothing. I'm starting to underhand why people in their later years volunteer more. That might be on the horizion depending on the pandemic, job, kids, and such. The hours always feel so limited. We did gather and watch "President in Waiting" about VP's and it was very interesting. I few people I'd looked on with distain in the past suddenly seem more human now. Tomorrow finds me back on the weekday routine.

Enjoyed a leisurely AM reading and enjoying coffee. Dropped Tommy at Off Hours Ice for the AM and visited my mom while dropping her Kindle off. I'm glad to have visited and will return this week after a food run. We're going into tighter stay at home mandates starting tomorrow and that's fine, it won't change what we already do and might help put the brakes on the covid spikes. Sent Jack Marks "The Righteous Mind" audiobook and got the book for my own reading, with the intention of meeting and discussing in the spring. Watched "Last Christmas", it was mediocre but I did like the ending, so there was a modest redemption. I find it harder and harder to be critical about something I have yet to do better at. Tommy did some great edits and I'm excited about his opportunities but concerned he'll obsess on it over other priorities, like school. Watched episodes 4 and 5 of "Flight Attendant" with Lauren and Jen (and ice cream) and although I like it and still wonder what it all will come to or how it will tie together, I'm getting restless. That happens often with such series. At some point there's a demising return when my valuable time is involved. Enjoying an Actualized.org podcast about Conspiracy Theory from a psychology point of view. Oh, re-packed the wine for Steve and Diana and re-labeled the box for holiday shipping. Pretty confident it'll be a non-issue and get to them without delay.

Quite a full day, another with a wide range of moments that have resonated on various levels to a degree that might otherwise be forgotten were it not for taking a few moments to capture them here. The AM denature w/Tommy was spot-on, timing wise, and also freaking cold! Mid-30's. I walked while he worked out, for 60 minutes, from the gym to the creek and towards Campbell this time. I spent the time continuing to listen to Promised Land, through the end of part 2. I'm really enjoying it, but hearing how politics works, well, it can be disheartening. At section-end I switched to other podcasts and enjoyed the inspirations. One in particular needs a revisit in order to fully appreciate and absorb the content about life, children, independence and individuality. Shared some of that w/Jen while walking Scottie, then hit the work-side. Enjoyed the day, felt good and involved in meetings and enjoyed a fun music-banter with Eric around the new DCFC EP. I discovered a wonderful song they did a cover of that resonated deeply but I'll save that for another post. The EP is great, I'm happy to support such a great band directly. The new gloves for walking arrived (thank god) along with a bluetooth speaker for the shower. I also sold the spare Kindle and Desk on CL. The desk buyer unintentionally short changed me, which I waved off as an oversight when I discovered it, but they returned to pay it after all as we walked the dog in the PM. Tommy went to After Hours Hockey to start doing social media stuff for them and returned very excited about it. I'm very happy for him, proud too, but also want him balancing school and these side gigs. Jen did a work-happy hour thing and I decided to enjoy a wee bit of Jameson's as a Friday night break. Nothing substantial. I listened to a brief 'Cinema Therapy' segment on "Inside Out" and loved hearing the psychology behind the plot and story line, it's something I knew of and one of the reasons it's one of my favorite films on a deeply personal level. It also made me reflect on my own parenting. There's a lot I'd do differently but not as much as I believe I've done right, so that feels reasonably positive. I had "American Utopia" playing while working in the afternoon and it left a strong impression on me, along with the article I read the night before. I signed up for the "Reasons to be Cheerful" mailing list. This was a full day, with other small things happening that add up to being what makes a full life. What's that line in "Beautiful Boy"?… "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". Today was one of those days I felt conscious, present and engaged. Maybe it's because nothing was breaking or blowing up for a change…., the real 'zen' comes when I'm all at peace while the network is down :-D

Here Is An Area Of Great Confusion

I've been quietly wrestling for quite some time with internal conflicts around my perspective, identity, intention and resolve. I have been making efforts to rein in distractions and to focus on key priorities across my life, be it my work, home, family... and definitely my self. Perhaps as result of this conscious effort or the focus on what I read or listen to now, the intensity of these internal struggles seems to be increasing, daily, and I now find myself more consciously mulling over uncertainties about anything and everything that I'm doing, or not doing and should be.

As I've listened to "The Promised Land" I've found inspiration in the not only the wonderful writing, but the declared intention of somebody whose desire to effect change in a positive way was so strong that they actually made the efforts to achieve it. When listening to a Cine-flies podcast one of the hosts shared how a specific movie struck them so intensely that they left the theater with an awareness that they had to, and would, do anything they could to focus their attention and career in that direction. I watched the "American Utopia" film by Spike Lee of David Byrne's stage show in 2019 after having read the Esquire article wherein they discuss their own drives, epiphanies and inspirations to use their time and abilities to awaken, connect and move our species forward.



All of these inputs, along with a self-curated daily playlist of podcasts intended to inform and inspire me are further awakening and increasing desire I have to so something, anything, of enough significance that the positive outcome of that effort might impact more than the handful of lives of those around me on a daily basis.



But I don't know where to start, how to start, how to make the time required, and how to get the necessary momentum to even put what little time I might have left into the effort.



I also struggle greatly with the point of making an effort, or with the idea that we, as a species, can or will ever stop living as if we're not all connected, not all parts of a greater whole, and not all contributing to ether the healing or destruction of our lives and any chance we might have to reach our potential.



For every Obama, A.O.C., Bill Gates, David Byrne, or any of the other multitude of visible activists who appear to be doing all they can to encourage and convince us of the opportunities we have to evolve as a connected mass, there's as many if not more that seem far more concerned about achieving their own personal agendas without consideration of the expense to and impact on the entire world population. There's political figures who's actions are tied to dark money or their own enrichment, there's human trafficking made possible by people who have no sense of integrity, compassion or humanity for another human being but there's the clients of these providers who are just as removed from any sense of recognition of the horror of their actions. And there are countries that live and thrive on a level of violence and aggression without any value being placed on the lives they are so callously willing to dispatch as simply a means to an end.



I read recently about the cartel's in Mexico, the vast spread of organized drug dealing going on throughout a network of states and collaborations, while over 79,000 people have disappeared in those regions since 2008. Mass graves and ground chard remains have been uncovered in mass graves and the average daily discovery of bodies is sickening. It reminded me of the documentary called "CartelLand" which showed how those with guns and power were forcing the peaceful inhabitant to flee for their lives or stand and fight against unsurmountable odds. And against corruption that seems as rampant as the bodies being found.



I want desperately to believe in the good nature of people, and to have hope that even the most selfish person might have it within them to recognize that their victim is somebody's child, somebody they might love in another circumstances, or at the deepest level, a part of them, and part all of us. But I'm living in a very different world than so many others, with very different access to very different beliefs, ideals, education, indoctrination and influences. Even those that have managed to touch, enhance and enlighten the lives of so many people do so because they're able to reach them, and those they reach are willing and wanting to hear what they have to say.



How can my hope be reconciled with these realities? Perhaps, just perhaps, it's something that like canyons and valleys, will no be changed in dramatically obvious ways in one lifetime, but may in 100. I guess that's where I need to put my hope for the time being, if I'm going to have any at all.

“baby’s brains have hundreds of millions more neural connections than we do as adults and that as we grow up, we lose these connections […] What happens is we keep the connections that are useful to us, and yes, there is a process of pruning and elimination and we get rid of a lot of the others. Until the ones that are left define who we are as a person, who we are as people, they define how we perceive the world, and the world seems to make some sort of sense to us.”

 - David Byrne

I didn't sleep well, at all, so I'm writing this from the LGSR club parking lot instead of walking. I'll walk later. I could walk now but I'm trying something different, and I'll walk at lunch instead. I picked up and set up a kindle for my mom on CL because it was a great deal and available now. It's all setup, linked to her library account and available for her use. I'll likely drop it today or tomorrow but I'm getting more aggressive about maintaining distance as the covid issues spike dramatically. I am excited to get this into her hands though, as she was an avid reader through my life and this opens up plenty of options for her during the pandemic and allows her to have the comfort of reading in any situation without the heft of a physical book. I intentionally used my free time last night, after a great tri-tip dinner, before dropping Lauren, to focus on 'maintenance and up-keep' at the house. I listened to more of the Promised Land while cleaning dishes, chopping and storing some excess onions, finishing up some laundry, the aforementioned kindle steps, and more. It's always rewarding to keep things in order. I don't consider myself to have 'full blown OCD' because I can function under the worst of situations, but it gives me comfort to do this. And last night, when dropping Lauren, Tommy went in and returned to my car and commented on how his room was now being used to store a bunch of 'stuff''. It hit a nerve. A sensitive one. It's difficult to convey how that environment effected me for so many years. It's upsetting to be reminded of it. Work was good, we had an all-hands and board meeting in one day and the takeaway for me was a bit of satisfaction that my team and leadership are valued. But the economics and uncertainty of the short term needs and future remain a concern.