Mountain Drive Passenger Gets A Better View With The Top Down
Moderately restless sleep. Ate and drank a bit too much. I still managed to get up relatively early and went about a fresh new day. Scottie finally pooped, a couple of times, the first being really dark, indicative of blood. The subsequent was better. I'm starting to relax a bit more about his well being but I still don't have a firm grasp on WTF happened in the first place. For all I know it could still be something serious. I'm consiously striving to not dwell on something I can't change while keeping an eye on what I can and keeping consious of how grateful I am to have this dog while i do. Same with Jen, Lauren, Tommy, my mom, friends…. I've started wearing my wedding ring again. I've not done so since my previous marriage. But recently it struck me that I wanted to becuase it's a reminder of what I have now and to appreciate it. Lauren and I worked on the mini, installed the passenger door light and I put the replacement piece in the convertable top that had come loose. Then we drove the Mini all over Los Gatos. I still don't know who's more elated to be doing so. She did "the mountain drive" for the first time and aced it. Then we practiced the streets around the DMV. We stopped at Pano and found that the "hutch" desk got picked up by somebody, which was a bittersweet joy. I loved that deck and it was one of our first possessions back in 1998. I have no use for it and no attachment either, beyond the history, so knowing it's going to likely be used by somebody else feels good. Yet it's an ending, of sorts, too. Jen and I spent some time at Panorama today going through the kitchen, sorting out and setting out plates and glasses that I subsequently put up on Craigslist to see what offers I might get before just posting them all for free. It's amazing how little people want to pay for things and how many people scramble like madmen for something free. Tommy came back from Tahoe, played hockey and has already gone to bed. I've spent the day listenig extensively to Tears for Fears, new and old. "Please Be Happy" tugs at my heart as something I can relate to from my past, although less about depression and more aobut worry. I did not realize it was written and released around 2017, but I do recall their tour being delayed. We have ticket for June 2nd and I could not be looking foward to it more.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.9 lbs,❤️ 62.4 bpm, 👣 5652.9 steps, 🧘🏼16 min, 🛌 6h:6m

Friday morning, while sharing the status of Scottie before our daily scrum, Sabrina made a reference to an event that evening featuring a favorite teacher of hers. I asked for more details and ended up attending the PM class. Sabrina introduced me to "The Five Invitations" and at that dramatically influnced my life throughout 2021 including introducing me to "A Year To Live" as well as other materials. It was an excellent thing to have attended. She had no idea prior to this what the topic was to be which made this all the more interesting to encouter. The discussions were around acknowledging our mortality and how that can impact our lives. The presenter, Vinny Ferraro, was really engaging and articulate and introspective. I will certainly return to this again, soon. Lauren and I visited Linda this morning after driving around for further practice. She's still non-responsive. It's at the point where I just hope she's not consious of her circumstances but consious of our visits, which is cherry picking realities. Untimately I suspect she knows we're there based on very subtle signs including eye movement beheath closed eyelids nad a mild response to my telling her to squeeze my hand if she could hear us, but even that is not an absolue. It could simply be wishful thinking. Whatever the case it's a sad way for a life to end. Our afernoon and evening was spent with Jess and Bev and we had a fun time just taking a leisurely drive to Martin Ranch for their annual "Bottle your own' event. Live music, wine, food and yes, bottling our own cases of wine, made for a relaxing day. We concluded the day with a dinner at DCG and firepit and port at Matson. Lauren drove herself to work and I'll be going momentarily to get her. Tommy returns from Tahoe tomorrow. Scottie's seemingly OK but after the drama Thursday I'm still cautious about assuming we're "out of the wood" yet.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.6 lbs,❤️ 61.4 bpm, 👣 5719.9 steps, 🧘🏼12 min, 🛌 6h:6m

All seems OK, but it won't always be, so enjoy the time we have.

Highlights Managed to get some steps in today while doing walking interviews at Pano for the DA position. Found a couple strong candidates, and really need to get somebody on board ASAP so hoping this pans out next week. Worked from Panorama 9-1pm then did some driving with Lauren over lunch and returned to Matson to finish the work day. Scottie continued to be off and during a 4pm zoom meeting, while holding him trembling, he threw up blood. A lot of blood. We rushed him to Sage and I went to GNO even though we were all worried. As much as I could, I tried to recognize that I have little or no control over the fact that at some point he will die. It's upsetting as it should be, but it's a fact. I enjoyed GNO as I always do. I feel concern for a friend who's marital circumstances are too familer for me to not. I returned to wait with Jen on the results of Scottie's exam and I called them en route to home. They found no obstructions and this can happen due to dietary reactions, swelling, irritation and thin lining tearing and such. He's back home, we have meds and dietary directions and we're $1200 poorer but have at least attended to something that I'd not been otherwise able to ride out. And it's made me appreciate the time I have with him, Jen, my kids, my friends. All of it is a gift, even with inevitable eventual loss. What is limited has more value that what's abundantly avaialble in endless quantities.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.8 lbs,❤️ 61.1 bpm, 👣 5739.6 steps, 🧘🏼11 min, 🛌 5h:50m

Pride of Ownership (1st wash) / Hammer Time (final straw)

Highlights: Lauren got her registration done and drivers test scheduled within an hour or so of my dropping her at the DMV Tuesday AM. I was stunned it went so quickly. She washed her car that day, too. Her "door lights" arrived but one was faulty. I got oddly nauseous and dizzy lying down and trying to install them. That was a bit odd. Tommy stayed at Pajaro and returned last night and was in a generally good mood. Things tanked today though, at Panorama, after he did an amazing job with cleaning his room out and started taking out the closets. Long story short we clashed big-time. I don't think he fully realizes how high conflict his demeanor can be and it's a trigger for anybody on the receiving end, whch was his mom and now is me. I had hoped his mom's fate and his realizations might have made an impact but they did not. My own intollerance is as much to blame but it's also simply not reasonable to be expected to take such verbal dismissive condescening abuse and not get upset. The walls of the house and work are closing in tight. It's straining my marriage, my sanity, my outlook. I spend 20 min meditating in the morning gaining as balanced a perspective as possible only to be tripped up and tipped over by a reflex of incredulity. It's hard to accept that I'm simply never going to have the connection I long for, nor will he to be honest, during our lifetimes. But I'd never have treated my parents as horribly as he feels entited to treat me. All due to a pattern set by the example they saw growing up, including how I was portrayed. I harp on this a lot as it's a massive challenge.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160 lbs,❤️ 59.9 bpm, 👣 6336.8 steps, 🧘🏼13 min, 🛌 5h:37m

I'm getting that uncomfortable feeling again that maybe I am the problem.

I started my day on schedule even though it was a 'day off'. I need to maintain consistency even though it was a challenge to wake up; once up, it's worth it. I used the am to get through the work tasks on my plate – getting our Cultivate data into Jira for PM needs. It'll be helpful tomorrow, for sure. Tommy was back in Pajaro, and Lauren went off with Degan while Jen and I went to Panorama. I still struggle with the clutter and chaos, especially when it's being reintroduced by Tommy dropping shit off in the garage. Jen struggled too with the filth and that the kids were raised in such a disgusting environment. While I worked on garage stuff, she tackled the kitchen tile, which was just awful, and what a striking difference she made. I was floored [pun intended] by the change. I told her to focus elsewhere because we will hire a cleaner, but she just needed it done now and boy, I get that. I got more stuff put in its place in the garage, more stuff outside for free, cleaned the front a bit and moved planters to be more distributed, and I even got the freezer out and hosed out and ready for bleaching tomorrow. And three loads of wash. Also, the wine fridge is in position and prepared to start accepting bottles. Lauren drove me to the eye appointment going all the way up via the expressway and back. The eye dr rated her at 20/40 overall and even wrote 20/30 for her DMV forms. It's heartwarming to see her maturing and taking on life and responsibility. She's good at it. We visited her mom, who sadly was still non-responsive, yet she did open her eyes and seemed sad and removed at the same time. I returned to Panorama to move laundry and put the freezer back into the garage, then returned to Matson for the evening. Tomorrow I'll be dropping her at the DMV while working at Panorama for the AM while she gets her car registered and schedules her driver's test. What a change from a year ago. And a year ago, tomorrow marks the one-year mark of learning of Linda's diagnosis. Wow. I don't know how to process that fully.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.1 lbs,❤️ 60.3 bpm, 👣 6615.8 steps, 🧘🏼12 min, 🛌 5h:45m

Highlights: Friday dinner with Matt at Matson was awesome fun. That firepit's been a great things to have. Satuday was spent with Jen getting Lauren's room at Pano cleared out, completely. Sold several items of her furniture on Craigslist. Lauren and I returned today and plowed through a slew of documents, cards, photos, school-work… just so much stuff. It's a struggle on so many levels but the more we clear the clearer I see a path out and ahead. No significant changes for Linda but we are getting daily updates following the recent care-fonference call. Tommy's game today included him scoring a goal and they're heading to playoff's. Lauren's been driving daily and it's been a joy to see her improving and seeing her options open to roads ahead.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 61 bpm, 👣 6373 steps, 🧘🏼12 min, 🛌 5h:4m

The last couple of days have been all about work needs, mini coopers and hospice care. I took a stand on some issues in the Wednesday hospice quarterly call, pressing for what I think is reasonable and calling out some bullshit too. I was pissed and still am when I think about what the 'business' side of heath 'care' is really about. It's criminal and compassion conflicting. Lauren's mini cooper has been a blast and she quipped "it's like I gave you a grandchild!" and it's true. I'm enjoying it as much as she is and she absolutely is. I've avoided further conflict with Tommy and I'm doing everything I can to just accept that the tiger's stripes and move on. It's a challenge because it's against my nature, but there's too much at risk anymore and I can't endure the heartache and disappointment that comes from being treated with such resentment and hostility over things as simple as refusing to call him out of a class. Nothing works, so that's what I'll do. Nothing. Visited Linda - no change but further indications of gradual reduction in eating. Stopped by my moms to show her the mini and she shared having bad back issues again. Aging sucks and she needs more help. I found and bought an iPhone 12 mini. There were issues with the setup forcing a software update that would never complete but I patiently worked it out. I'm a bit nervous about the battery life even though its health is 99% but I love the size more than anything. Anything bigger feels clumsy and at risk to be dropped while trying to use. And this really makes sense for my usage, having a watch and this combined is my sweet spot.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 61.5 bpm, 👣 6871.1 steps, 🧘🏼19 min, 🛌 6h:0m

First car - freedom and independence begins. AND I know short road well but why this sign is on my neighbor's driveway is something i don't fully understand. Yet.

A full day and what may sadly signify the end of our daily walks, as Lauren drove to school in my car and will start driving to school tomorrow in her own. She bought the Mini. All said and done, although it was $2k more than originally expected it's still a good price and a really ideal car for her. It was rewarding to go along for the ride, as it were, helping her get this, and anticipating that she'll have years of life experiences related to this on the horizon. It also give me a sense of legacy to consider that as I once did as a trribute to my father's own cross country advventure, Lauren might someday do the same. It was also touching to have Tommy come along and with me in the back seat, witness a bond and interaction betwene them that gave me hope for the love and connection they might share in their lives ahead, as adults and siblings. I did well with work demands and progress and hope to make some significant progress tomorrow. Dinner with Jess and Bev at Opa was great. I really appreciated the opportunity to connect as couples, given that the routine with Jess is typically guy-centric, it was a differnet dynamic and dimention, and helped me reconginze that there's so many aspects about all of my friends lives outside of the slices of time we spend in our own relative coccons. There's so much more going on for all of us in so many varied ways. that's easy to overlook. Oh and today I learned about Le Vigne winery in Paso Robles. Note to self - go there.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.7 lbs,❤️ 61.8 bpm, 👣 7069.3 steps, 🧘🏼19 min, 🛌 5h:59m

Lauren's Mini Cooper interest was the dominant part of our walk 'n talk this am. I get it. She's thrilled at the prospect while I'm a grizzled, jaded old man with a lifetime of exposure to the ramifications of impulse decisions—also, a skeptic. But the plan remained to go check it out after school if time allowed. Note to self – I should have learned from going to "just look" at the dog kennel when she and Jen saw Scottie and look what happened. On the walk back, I came across a stack of cut tree branches in the street awaiting trash pickup, and in plain sight, a beautiful bird's nest wedged into one of the limbs that I stopped to wrestle free and take home. I ran into Larry, who offered to share his Meyer lemons along the way, and I jumped at the opportunity. He dropped them by later, and my mom's not interested right now, so I'm stuck with a box of lemons. Shit. Oh, and on the way home from the walk, with the bird's nest in hand,  it occurred to me that I'd failed to put out the recycle bin, which was full AND needed for this coming week. As I walked down my street, I heard the truck behind me, causing me to increase my pace to make it home in time to set the nest on the car and roll the bin curbside as the truck approached. I bet those guys see that all the time. Work was stressful and demanding, and I wasn't in the mood for either. I started the day feeling annoyed that Tommy's doubled down on doing things I asked him not to do, seemingly for the sole purpose of annoying me. Mission accomplished. I did manage to take Lauren to see the car. It's nice, drives well has low miles, and is a reasonable price. But then, later in the afternoon, through a few emails, they raised the price because they found that "Carvana" and others would give more than the original asking price. I have tried to find a mid-point of reasonable agreement. Lauren's willing to pay the asking, and in all reality, it's a fair price even with the increase as it's what a reseller would give them to sell it for more. We're waiting to see what their next move is. I suspect we're being played, I checked and Carvana's offering less. As pleasant as the seller seemed, the market's pretty hot right now for used cars. I get that. I'd like to do the same with Linda's pilot if I could take the time to do so. Time is one thing I have about as little as I have patience for Tommy's aggressive, awful abusive, hurtful ways. I pretty much am at the end of my rope. Again. And as Jen said, the cycle's not changing, so change your direction. Good advice. I'm working on it. Oh, and today I learned what alacrity means.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.9 lbs,❤️ 61.8 bpm, 👣 7413 steps, 🧘🏼19 min, 💤 6h:4m

Sous Vide ready seasoned chicken with rosemary & sundried tomatoes

The kids and I visited their mom this morning. She had not eaten her breakfast. She drank from a straw and kissed the kids on the cheek when they pressed their face against her lips, but her eyes remained closed and she doesn't respond to questions. Jen returned home from her girls weekend and suggested we watch the SuperBowl which I have paid attention to. I finally fixed the side gate. I posted several items from Panorama on Craigslist as I continue to work to clear the house out. I'm pacing with apprehension over this still, mostly expecting it'll be a good move but also feeling overwhelmed with the how what and why. Lauren found a mini cooper she's excited about and we're going to go check it out tomorrow afternoon.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 159.9 lbs,❤️ 61.4 bpm, 👣 7168.6 steps, 🧘🏼17 min, 💤 6h:5m

A lifetime of memories continues - 40 years of coming here

Jen left for Girls Weekend Friday morning. I filled the car for her, got it cleaned and left a gift in the trunk that she found immediately. I've used the time to focus on work needs and enjoy some focused relaxation for myself. I have made good progress on the Jira setup for work, although I've also found some shortcomings in the product that I didn't expect. It'll have to do. The weather has been excellent, with highs Fri, Sat and Sun at 80. I've been lounging on the patio and using the fire pit in the evening hours. A craigslist buyer took the couch at Panorama, which cleared out the room. It's still challenging being there when history still plays out to this day. After hearing about some vomiting, I visited Linda and was there to experience it in person. It's getting real "real," and I'm feeling a need to embrace compassion through this next phase to be present fully. We will all visit tomorrow morning, and I think daily visits in the evening will follow if not my being there more often as work hours allow. 

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160 lbs,❤️ 61.6 bpm, 👣 7323.4 steps, 🧘🏼21 min

Everything And Nothing

It appears that Linda is heading into the final stages of her losing battle with the stage 4 Glioblastoma brain tumor that surfaced in February of 2021. It was one year ago this month. Slightly under two weeks from now, 2/22/2022, will mark a full year from the night I got an unexpected call from her sister in Tuscon. That call kicked off a series of experiences that will likely conclude with her last breath being taken within days of that milestone date. Years come and go, often in the blink of an eye, yet these past twelve months have been the most transformative I’ve experienced in my life, certainly for my kids in theirs', and clearly, for her in hers.

a moment before going on the freeway for the first time

Day 4 of 5 doing the daily walk with Lauren. One more morning and I get a 2-day break. It's been worth it to get up, get out, get moving. I followed up on something I read last night by listening to a "The One You Feed" Podcast featuring an author discussing the "Inner Critic and I found it really insightful. They also touched on the "Inner Family" dynamic and how one person has multiple 'family' personalities that are always coming into play. Amen to that. Work engagement was good. I did make a run to SRC but only briefly. I talked to the Dr and confirmed further decline. Lauren drove us around after school and again to Panorama in the evening before her work. I ended the day doing virtual GNO from the patio by the firepit. I'm going to go offline and head-down tomorrow to focus on the project management needs of work as it's really getting chaotic without a clear vision of workflow and a tool to manage it in. Jen leaves for a girls weekend in the morning through Sunday so I'll have some solo time with the kids and of course Scottie will be a wreck.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.2 lbs,❤️ 61.1 bpm, 👣 7250.5 steps, 🧘🏼22 min

How to Tame Your Inner Critic

I woke up around 3.30 am and grabbed my Kindle for something to read until I settled back into sleep. I send things there routinely and then, eventually, get back around to them. This morning it was the following. I read it twice and will again as frequently as it takes to make it a conscious recognition.

https://fiveinvitations.com/ow-to-tame-your-inner-critic/

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. — Peggy O'Mara

No matter how you try, you can't please your inner critic.

There is no fooling it. The critic knows your every move, every trick up your sleeve, every bit of your past. It has been right there with you throughout your life. You shower with it. Take it to work. It sits next to you at every meal and even sticks around for dessert. It's there during and after sex. And yes, it's even there when you are dying — something I've learned over the past thirty years as I have sat on the precipice of death with a few thousand people.

Your inner critic compares, praises, devalues, diminishes, invalidates, blames, approves, condemns, and attacks your appearance, job performance, the way you conduct relationships, your friends, your health, your diet, your hopes and dreams, your thoughts, and your spiritual development. Pick something, anything, as it is all interchangeable. Let's face it: in the critic's eyes, nothing you do is good enough.

The critic is the enforcer, demanding compliance to an acquired set of standards and moral codes. It's the voice that says, "My way or the highway." And it wields brutally its chosen weapons of fear, shame, and guilt in order to get you to do what it wants.

Often in our most vulnerable moments, when we would benefit from tenderness, we club ourselves with self-judgment. Even near the end of life, it is common for people to look back with regret, to become obsessed with "if only" conversations, or to tell themselves that they aren't doing a good job of dying. Friends and relatives add to the pile of guilt by projecting their own inner critic's voice onto the person who is dying, suggesting that he should ght try harder or she should let go more gracefully.

The inner critic is ambivalent about change, shifts in identity, creativity, and inner work, and it is downright terrified of anything bubbling up from the unconscious. The judge prefers status quo, the familiar, the predictable. It insists on homeostasis. "Don't rock the boat," it advises. "It's not safe."

That's why focusing on self-improvement or making any attempt to fix what the critic views as "the problem" never works. In seeking the approval of others, conforming to an external standard, and trying to please, we are looking for love in all the wrong places. Praise and blame are symptoms of an infectious disease. And as with any illness, we need to do more than treat the symptoms; we have to address the underlying causes. We need to go to the heart of the matter. We need to see how the habit of constant self-judgment diminishes our life force, steals our inner peace, and crushes our souls.

The pursuit of perfection is learned early on and, for most of us, becomes a lifelong addiction. It is an ego-based quest that easily can eclipse the soul's journey to wholeness. This is why, in order to bring our whole self to the experience, we must address the often unconscious, corrosive voice of the inner critic. It is the primary obstacle to self-acceptance, trust, and the expansion of our dynamic potential. It stops all growth, arrests inner development, steals our power, and makes negative self-talk the norm. Furthermore, the judge impedes our ability to connect and empathize with other people. Chances are if you're extremely critical of yourself, you'll be a harsh critic of others. You may think it even if you don't say it.

To free ourselves from the inner critic, we have to understand something of its origins, how we are impacted by it, and how we can successfully disengage from its negative influence. In short, our treatment plan includes the application of wisdom, strength, and love.

The first step down the path of freeing ourselves from the inner critic is that we must acknowledge that some of us have a mistaken loyalty to our critic. We think it keeps us sharp and leads to more critical thinking we need in our jobs or to understand the world. Looking closer we see that the mechanism of the critic was formed in early childhood and is pretty simple and unsophisticated.

People often imagine that the negative, grating voice in their heads is helping them. But it's not. The critic doesn't believe in our basic human goodness. It only believes in rules and moral codes. Psychologically, the critic is the protector of ego. It denies everything else. It doesn't know your soul. It doesn't trust your heart to know how you feel, to be empathic and compassionate in relationships. It doesn't have faith that your intuitive gut sense can guide you in situations you're encountering for the first time. The inner critic only wants you to heed its advice. It doesn't trust in your ability to reason and evaluate as a way to navigate through life's dilemmas.

Next, we must defend ourselves against the inner critic, which is tough work. It takes practice.

To defend ourselves against the inner critic requires summoning the courage to face the powerful and coercive force head-on. We can start by telling the emotional truth, "That hurts when you talk to me that way". Expressing disinterest in the critic's advice, using humor, staying connected to your physical center, harnessing your strength and speaking in short declarative and conclusive statements — are all strategies that are meant to stop the conversation and restore our contact with the dynamic expansiveness that is our essential nature. When we have successfully defended against an attack and disengaged from the critic, we may feel a shift in physical energy, perhaps a release of tension, a free flow of breath. Emotionally, we may feel increased confidence and compassion for what hurts. Mentally, we may have more clarity and less confusion. However, be prepared for residual feelings and sensations, questions and doubts to linger for a period of time. In other words, don't expect to feel warm and fuzzy right away.

The alternative to the critic is found in the movement from judgment to discernment. Judgment is the harsh, aggressive habit that shuts down the conversation, binds us to the past and old behaviors, and closes off our access to other capacities. Discernment makes space, helps us to have perspective, and allows more of our humanity to show up. It helps us sort what is useful and what isn't. And then we can decide our course of action.

Lastly, we must learn to accept ourselves for who we are.

It opens up the possibility of accepting ourselves for who we are. With acceptance, what emerges is an increased sense of trust. We release ourselves completely from the comparison, assessment, and rejection of the inner critic. We stop blaming ourselves for having desires and wants, and instead accept these desires as a flavor of love, one that expresses our hearts' deepest longing for what is true and real.

This process of acknowledgement, defense, and finally acceptance begins an alchemical process. The undesirable can be changed into the desirable not by coercion, but by mindfully embracing our flaws, shortcomings, warts, and all those rejected, painful, and scary aspects of ourselves as part of a whole. We release ourselves from the misguided pursuit of perfection. Instead, we expose our imagined imperfections to the fierce fires of wisdom, strength, and love, and in so doing, we learn to turn lead into gold.

I walked with Lauren again this morning, and I will likely do so every day this week to keep up on the health benefits. It was a busy workday, but I took some time in the afternoon to grab six more bottles of the 2015 Raymond Vineyards Zinfandel before getting Lauren after school. She drove us to see her mom and back. She did very well; she improved over yesterday. I'm confident that daily outings will further build her skills and confidence. Our visit with her mom was an upsetting one. Linda was asleep, and at first, we could not wake her. Lauren managed to do so by opening one of her eyes. She then opened both eyes and looked at both of us, individually, absolutely looking us each in the eye. She attempted to speak but could not. Her breathing was deep and seemingly labored, almost panicked. I realize there's no way of knowing for sure, but I know her well enough to categorize the look in her eyes as deep sadness and upset. As soon as I saw that, and slight tears welling up, I just wanted her to go back to sleep. It made me feel bad for having awoken her, as the act was for us, not for her. Lauren kissed her on the cheek, and Linda returned the kiss onto Lauren's. She eventually started into the distance, her eyes closed, and she fell back asleep. After today I will not attempt to wake her at all; again, I want to let her have her peaceful rest. Once home, we got online to play cards with the usual gang, but the online app failed to function, so we just talked and caught up before leaving to take Lauren to work. We stopped at Costco to pick up supplies for keto enchiladas and lasagna, which Jen made tonight. We also picked up some 100% grass-fed steaks, something I have had and enjoyed in the past. I prep'd them for sous vide next week with Matt B.
📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.1 lbs,❤️ 61 bpm, 👣 6478 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

Hit the ground walking, not running, this morning, but well-paced and feeling good about getting some movement after a couple of days off. It's a routine I miss on the weekends and return to with trepidation on Monday's but once I'm in motion it's all good. And worth the effort too. It's one of those slices of time to have 1:1 with Lauren without interruptions and the same on the return trip with myself. I struggled with some 2FA setups and work access that had me seeing red this morning but I set it down and walked away. Technical people are brilliant but not always end-user-sensitive. I used to be that way. I used to feel like RTFM was an obligation but no longer have the patience to do so and when faced with 10 steps between multiple applications where the descriptions don't match my user experience, I just wonder where the art of usability testing was cut from the budget. Work was decent but I did not make as much progress on tasks as I had hoped to make. It's hard staying focused when there are so many parallel needs coming non-stop, and more often than not I simply don't have an answer that comes without validation or investigation. I managed to visit Linda between 11-12 pm. I could not wake her, still, even opening her eyelid did not result in anything other than a blank stare and the lid quickly closing when released. I had to leave before lunch arrived to attend a meeting so I was not able to observe her eating habits. I am now going completely on faith that she has any awareness of my presence. After stopping at Panorama for my meetings, Lauren got out of school and drove us home and later to GOBM for some groceries we needed in order to make the Sous Vide steaks I have had stored in the freezer. I got the idea stuck on my mind from GNO conversations earlier and realized this would be my one night this week to enjoy it with others. Tommy was home with Lauren and me and Jen, so we enjoyed 2" thick medium-rare sous vide cooked steaks (mine was topped with sautéed mushrooms, caramelized purple onions and crumbled blue cheese), roasted Brussel sprouts mixed with bacon and blue cheese and drizzled with balsamic vinegar glaze, and a newly discovered "cellar saver" bottle of 2015 Zinfandel. It was an incredible meal. Lauren and Tommy ended up watching Olympics highlights while Jen and I cleaned up. It struck me as being a sweet and genuine moment between them as siblings and family, something we don't see often enough, and it warmed my heart. We then discussed how we can use their spring break for a couple of separate divided vacation efforts. Jen and Lauren will do Disneyland during the 1st half while Tommy and I manage the house and dogs and I work, then I'll take the latter half of the week and fly Tommy and Carl to LAX and then to Catalina for a few days of diving on their part and simple relaxation on mine. I'm optimistic it will be a good experience all around for all of us but I also realized it means letting go of control and just rolling with things, and that it won't be a vacation for me as much as for them. Hey, at least I get a slice of time to write each night. Tomorrow's goals include a morning of meetings, perhaps another trip to see Linda at lunch, and more Lauren driving (I'm trying to make it a daily practice). We have our bi-weekly cards game too.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 60.9 bpm, 👣 6277.1 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

It's been a long weekend, a relatively good one too. I've had my share of frustrations building up with what I feel are excessive demands on my time by work and family, yet I also know full well that they're temporary, intermittent and would and will be missed at some point soon. That's not always easy to keep conscious of when interruptions take me off task and off\-path every 20 minutes, but it's also a challenge I can overcome with delegation and direction. Teach a child to fish, perhaps, is the motto du jour. And don't expect a tiger to change his stripes might be another one. Accepting the limitations of my ability to control anything beyond my responses is paramount to my success and peace. Tommy was reasonably easy to deal with, and he spent both days diving in Monterey. His new dry-suit is working wonderfully, and I'm glad he's gotten it, as it's allowing him to enjoy diving so much more. It's a game-changer. Lauren and I have finally made the time to get her back behind the wheel. The new contact lenses create a significant difference. She's driving very well, still working past anxieties and the number of things you must constantly think about when you're behind the wheel, which has become second nature. I do recall, though, how intense it was to drive at first. She's doing great. Friday night, we went to Mark and Wendy's and Kelly and Velma. We sat around the firepit, snacked and talked for hours in-depth about a wide range of exciting and engaging topics, including population density and social class. It was fascinating. Our neighbor's Dom and Mary came over Saturday night, and we did something similar but with Clam Chowder brought from Fisherman's Grotto in Monterey by Tommy. We went to KZ in San Jose to look at tiles for the panorama entryway and got many other ideas. I think we may be approaching a point of making some compromises in our timeline and plans, putting less emphasis on doing a bunch of remodeling upfront vs. just getting some essential needs managed and moving in sooner, which would allow us to afford to make changes and we could work on a wide range of things ourselves too. Now we're thinking about clearing it out, painting the interiors altogether, getting new flooring in the kid's room and upgrading the main bedroom lighting, then moving in. Then we can continue with the kitchen plans while we make final decisions, allow for a lead time due to supply chain constraints and pay our taxes and the crawlspace work off. Lauren and I visited Linda, and I'll be doing so tomorrow too. She's still unresponsive; I can't even get her to open her eyes anymore. It's not seemingly likely that she'll survive through the month, and it's overwhelming to try and comprehend this in full as well as balance the emotions at play for myself and the kids while also working towards a move and a future that comes at such a high cost. It's a constant balancing act to keep level-headed. I'm glad I stopped drinking last year and got back in shape; it's likely saved me.

Metrics 📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.2 lbs,❤️ 60.9 BPM, 👣 5872.5 steps, 🧘🏼11 minutes

Humility means that it's not always someone else's fault.

"Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in." - Ricky Fitts

I had a decent morning walk. I listened to a podcast about perspective that will play heavily into a forthcoming post elsewhere. I took the afternoon off, hoping to focus on writing but I put my time towards an array of other non-work needs. I talked to Kathy about Linda's decline and decisions related to managing her medications through what lies ahead. A lot is likely to play out over the course of the next few weeks. It's a challenge to balance the wide range of emotions that goes along with this. We ended our night visiting Mark and Wendy with Kelly and Velma. We had a great time enjoying wine and snacks around the firepit and talking about all sorts of stimulating and thought-provoking things. We made plans to continue next week.

⚖️: 159 (-0.8) (7d avg: 159.13) | 👣: 7238 | ❤️: 60 | 🧘: 10:27

Turn Off Autopilot

Radio Headspace Rewind: Turn Off Autopilot
When we're rushing through the day, it's easy to get caught up in our routines and in our own minds. But how much of life are we missing when we forget to look around? Try to approach today like it's brand-new. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/radio-headspace/id1510981488?i=1000543593105

"…and pink champagne on ice…."

It's our 2nd Wedding anniversary today. I have a lot to be grateful for. I've found somebody that allows me to be myself, loves my kids like her own and tolerates all of our drama and idiosyncrasies. I took a break from my rigid eating regime to enjoy some champagne, crackers and cheese. I'll return to the program tomorrow, and I'm starting a press for my final stretch as I level out and continue to maintain a threshold. It's been gratifying getting here, and not the satisfaction can be about keeping it while I start putting efforts into other areas. I realized last night I've been pretty active in my off-work hours around the house and doing work but not getting out, and I want to revisit how I can get some time away from home, with family and friends, driving about or running errands or having meals. Tommy's seemingly OK with his Covid diagnosis. He said it was 'on edge,' and I'm a bit skeptical. Maybe he's just not being struck. I'm feeling okay so far.  Work was good, really good. I was engaged, put time into the AM presentation and meetings, and was responsive to needs across the board. I have some time tomorrow to hopefully focus on some backlog grooming. I'm hoping to squeeze in a visit to Linda if circumstances allow, and of course, if I am not testing positive. I ended the night in a couple of text chats with Nevin and Matt C; both were gratifying interactions.

Weight: 159.8 (-1.2) 7d avg: 159.1 (0) | Steps: 6615 | Heart Rate: 63

Disinformation + Misinformation = "Dismiss Information"

Tommy tested positive for covid at school today. All of his friends, those he continued hanging out with even though they had covid, have had covid, so it's pretty much been inevitable. I was having a shitty frustrating workday when this came to light, which immediately changed my perspective. It was a good reminder about priorities. I am getting past issues with accessing Tableau online is not enough to warrant my wasting time being irritated over. Considering my age and decades of programming, it's still hard to live conscious of that, and likely always will be, but at least I seem to catch it quicker. So, there's now covid in 'da house, and we'll see what comes of that. I'd like not to get sick, and I'm hoping the vaccines and boosters make it easier if I do. Jen's already referred to feeling poorly, but we'll see where that goes too. My workday was reasonably decent, but I feel responsible for a whole hell of a lot lately, and it's hard to ramp up and keep up with the breadth of tasks. At least I feel engaged, and that's been valuable to me and others. I worked the am from Panorama to get a change of scenery. Jen made Keto enchiladas that were delicious. After dropping off Lauren and snagging more coconut creamer for my coffee needs, I dove into work again with loud rock playing on the earpods and worked through a set of slides for tomorrow's all-hands. It was a great feeling and took me back to Apple and TiVo when I would do the same. Until tonight I thought I'd lost that ability to focus on music, but… I guess it's still an option.

Health: Weight: 161 (-1) 7d avg: 158.87 (0) | Steps: 3727 | Heart Rate: 60