Mindset: I'm feeling a bit pensive and introspective. Introverted. The day is wide open for progress in multiple areas. I want to accomplish something today.

Goals: Send jikoji newsletter out. Define a photo page/plan too. Revisit BIG all day.

Anticipation: being as present as possible with all I do. Less in thought tied to last or future.

Gratitudes: feeling welcomed back into the BIG process and Jens Keto work.

Mindset: optimistic. Letting go of the resentment I felt towards Tommy in lieu of being reminded he has a baseline of his own and j can't control anything beyond my reaction and boundaries I draw. It's a good reminder.

Goals: Jikoji newsletter and LinkedIn updates.

Anticipation: a calm productive day

Gratitudes: the opportunity to sit at Jikoji weekly

Mindset: feeling calm and positive today. Subdued but directed.

Goals: yard work tacking problematic weed situation and return to jikoji tasks.

Anticipation: seeing what comes my way as nothing to be upset about and taking mindful action that is "right".

Gratitudes: my ability to achieve results is manifesting in gradual return to my target weight and improvement with the piano work. It's all about alignment of intention and action.

Mindset: I woke feeling anxious and uncertain. It faded as I woke and recognized that it's unnecessary yet still, why was it there in the first place? It feels habitual and conditioned. I feel better now but there's still lingering.

Goals: i feel a strong need for a calm day at home focused on key goals (business, income, planning). Specific accomplishment will be a fiscal plan into 2024 and an action plan for business steps.

Anticipation: this headache going away, maybe a short run to the farmer's market with Tommy. Otherwise, just a balanced day.

Gratitudes: Positive insights and inspiration from family and friends.

Mindset: accountability for having laxed a bit on vacation and now I have some make up work go do. Not a lot but it's a reminder that tempetaion leads to loss of ground gained. Otherwise I'm feeling good going into the day. And resolved.
Goals: Jen and I are going to map out 2023.
Anticipation: helping my mom with fridge swap.
Gratitudes: the time I spent with Tommy this week.

 Am I alone in finding it odd that the term "barking up the wrong tree'' contains a word associated to both the object, and the action?


Mindset: Positive. Connected. Aware. Here.

Goals: relax and stay balanced while moving through the ebb and flow that is traveling.

Anticipation: Delta lounge. 1st class sears. Zane Grey hotel.

Gratitudes: The luxury of time and travel.

Highlights: Jen went to see Lauren, they had lunch at Tank house, shopped for clothes and hit Gunther's because it's ice cream at its finest and mandatory on a 92° day. Tommy worked. I got traction on tasked including completing a few! Finalizing and posting the Boulder Insight was gratifying. I could improve it but I feel a sense of urgency to get it posted. I can always refine it later. I also accompanied my mom to the vet (Eric). It was a nice surprise to see Gavin working there. Good man. I returned and spent the evening getting ready for Catalina.

Gratitude: Jen loving Lauren. Lauren loving Jen.

A Boulder Insight

The brief time I recently spent in Boulder, Colorado, allowed me to do some intense personal re-evaluation and soul-searching. To look deeply into my innermost thoughts. I was tempted while writing this to refer to these innermost thoughts as "complicated.” That is how they have felt for most of my life and how I routinely viewed them… until this trip. 

I can no longer represent them as such. They are quite simple. Come to think of it, my deepest inquiry and my striving to “make sense of it all” during this retreat was met with answers that elicited a gut response of “It can't be that simple.” I literally said that out loud, and likely ten times as much internally, as I followed thought after thought to an eventual conclusion: It is quite simple after all.

Mindset: Lovingly disappointed at my dining binge. More food and wine than necessary. But I'm not beating myself up. I've been doing well but have compassion for the occasional indulgences. I guess I'm done trying to be perfect :-). My outlook for the day is good!

Goals: I will finish and post the Boulder story. I will finish the LinkedIn revisions.

Anticipation: visiting my mom to help with cat/vet needs.

Gratitudes: Jen going to see Lauren and knowing what that means to each of them.

Highlights: good day for focused efforts on numerous paths. Dinner with Mary and Dom at DCG - such fun!

Accomplishments: progress on various paths. No mountains moved, just dirt shifted in the right directions.

Gratitude: Time, and building a connection to artists.

Mindset: honestly, not good. Resentful and upset about what I know is inconsequential from a distance but nerves were hit last night and I found myself reacting instead of acting, holding back, responding with insecurity. Not very zen. But I am going into the day trying to dissect and discard it consciously. I am also discouraged by choices I am making choices to appease others that are setting me back or delaying what I know I can accomplish. Why? Habit and hesitation. Acceptance over authenticity. I guess this work is never done.

Goals: more than I did yesterday :-). A better more manageable task list for my business plans and more time in jikoji scheduling tools.

Anticipation: dinner with Mary and Dom.

Gratitudes: how quickly I'm recognizing my navigational errors and how I'm responding quickly to realign.

Highlights: Kenz coffee and Jen's progress. Matt's compost bin and cacti offering. Spontaneous BBQ dinner.

Accomplishments: Got the front right yard dimensions drawn out for her planning. for her planning. Little else. "D-" day for focus.

Mindset: I woke feeling a mix of potential without clear intention. Uncertainty. Inaction is of concern. Less talk more walk. More action, less distraction. Set the nozzle to jet stream not wide spray.

Goals: I plan to sit and revisit the lessons from the BIG course and align myself with what I recall and what I need to review. I may spend time on Jikoji scheduling too. I will to try and avoid pop up tasks and come out of the day with a written "plan" of the steps to take next.

Anticipation: A sense of accomplishment at the end of the day?

Gratitudes: I'm grateful to be gravitating towards something I feel pulled to. The success of others making things work in non-conventional ways serve as inspiration.

Highlights: After waking up in a bitter mood and working through it mentally, I had a direct dialog with Tommy while maintaining a healthy approach. We resolved the issue. I had a wonderful breakfast with Eric, Francesca and Jen. I walked to see JS for coffee and had a great dialog too. It reinforces my desire to find a path of personal freedom from the corporate lifestyle. Creative lives are being lived all around me lately. Jen made a wonderful chicken artichoke Sun dried tomato dish for dinner. My brother David had his back surgery yesterday. It went longer than expected but the word so far is it was a success and he's on a strong path to recovery. 

Accomplishments: I felt in good tune and harmony all day. The toolbox in the garage became the tool belt on my hips. All readily in reach. I setup a test of scheduling for jikoji after renewing the trial for 3weeks. I surprised Jen with fresh cut roses and a made bed. It's the little things. ;-)

Gratitude: friendships. We have so many, such ranges of age and character, of interests and ideas. My life is rich with authentic human connection and a grounded perspective. What greater wealth is there when all is said and done?

Mindset: Slightly tense and angry over a conflict with Tommy. Old dynamics on his part warrant clear calm responses on mine and I did so, but it's still upsetting which is a place I need to explore further. Being upset and tense is unproductive. Beyond that I'm in a good place. Hell, including that I'm in a good place.

Goals: Jikoji reservations. Business plan. LinkedIn updates.

Anticipation: breakfast with Eric and Francesca.

Gratitudes: my gut feelings around where my efforts and intentions lie.

Highlights: A jaw-dropping wonderful visit to Jikoji with Jen to see Michael's art and studio. Mind-blowing work. https://www.michaelnewhall.com/. Dinner date with Jen at Telefèric Barcelona in Los Gatos.

Accomplishments: I fixed the front yard drip sprinklers for the rose bushes. I worked on the Exitidy logo, but started rethinking the name.

Gratitudes: Dropping a couple of pounds this week is proving motivating. At dinner, I enjoyed with restraint, and feel great about it.

MLIM - Leftoverture

Occasionally, a strong sense of "deja vu" arises for me. More often than not it's related to thoughts, not a physical location. I can forget things I learned and find myself repeating the course without recollection of doing so already. It's only when I receive the graded final back, with red notations highlighting what I got wrong, that I recall having been taught this before. 

Taught, then forgot. 

This morning, While sitting in silence and contemplating my mindset going into the day, a practice I am adding to my routine in an effort to keep my goals and aspirations in conscious thought, I recalled the song by "Kansas" called "The Wall." 

I came across this song in my late teens, in high school, after buying the album "Leftoverture." I did so for "Carry on Wayward Son", a song I loved (and which reminds me of the movie "Heroes," but that's another story). The album became a personal landmark. It still is. It's in the collection I recently rebuilt. It introduced me to their back catalog and future releases, but nothing ever replaced Leftoverture as my favorite.

As much as I enjoyed the full album, that second frack, "The Wall," registered on a much deeper level due to the poetic nature, insight and connection I felt to the lyrics and my own struggles with my place in the world.

I was, what, 16 or 17 at the time? I was coming of age, dating Holly, and trying to figure out who I was. These lyrics captured my sense of being lost, taking risks and struggling to find the confidence and strength within me to let go of fear and a need for acceptance over authenticity. 

I still recall the attachment I felt to the words, how I read them to Holly on a phone call and how, throughout my life, at points of transition or introspection, those words would return as a reminder, as encouragement that I have managed to get over the wall before, and I can again. 

I don't think I have forgotten the core lesson as much as I have routinely failed to recognize that walls are not unique or uncommon. They are environmental, a maze we navigate, perhaps only seeing them as such when we turn a corner and encounter a dead end.

Only this time, I recognize it from above.

Maybe I'm learning after all.

I'm woven in a fantasy, I can't believe the things I see
The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall
And with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost
It rises now before me, a dark and silent barrier between
All I am and all that I would ever want to be
It's just a travesty, towering, marking off the boundaries
My spirit would erase

To pass beyond is what I seek, I fear that I may be too weak
And those are few who've seen it through to glimplse the other side
The promised land is waiting like a maiden that is soon to be a bride
The moment is a masterpiece, the weight of indecision's in the air
It's standing there, the symbol and the sum of all that's me
It's just a travesty, towering, blocking out the light and blinding me
I want to see

Gold and diamonds cast a spell, it's not for me to know it well
The treasures that I seek are waiting on the other side
There's more that I can measure in the treasure of the love that I can find
And though it's always been with me
I must tear down the wall let it be
All I am, and all that I was ever meant to be, in harmony
Shining true and smiling back at all who wait to cross
There is no loss

This is one of many posts to come, fulfilling a long-held desire to document just what it is and/or was about a specific selection of music and a time in my life that resonates deeply within me to this day. I’ve always felt a strong connection to music over the decades, as I suspect most of us do, particularly how we each have select moments and memories that frequently align with select notes and chords. I’ll call this series “My Life, In Music."

Mindset: Calm. Slightly connected yet too "in the world" of underlying uncertainty. That's something to embrace as a part of it all; certainty is an illusion.

Goals: I want to take ONE significant step towards Exitidy.

Anticipation: going to Jikoji with Jen to see Michael's paintings.

Gratitudes: having this window of time to focus on recognizing the ownership of my path's direction.

Highlights: coffee with JS (brief), Aqui with Tommy (reason coffee was brief), GOBM run for dog fud (Gary Larsonism).

Accomplishments: several job applications submitted. Spent some time tinkering on the ivory (playing chords for "What Sara Said"). Followed up with Caltrans and confirmed that they had received the claim but it's still in review. Also appears there's some movement in MetLife but that's happened before without any substantial changes.

Gratitudes: I am enjoying the keyboard as is Tommy. That's a good thing. It'll take years to get decent but therein lies my optimism.

Mindset: I'm starting the day with a slight sense of trepidation and hesitation regarding the needs of my time and my desires being in conflict. What I wanna do vs what I've gotta do, in the shadows of the remaining runway and time I have before I'm forced to concede to financial demands over mental health and happiness.

Goals: Third day hoping to complete the Boulder recap. It's a creative work in progress so I'll make its continuation the goal. Same with the mindset that comes with it. I have administrative tasks to manage and some follow up calls and emails too.

Gratitudes: my having a strong desire to maintain a sense of connection and awareness without a dependency on anything other than that very awareness.

Highlights: an enlightening jikoji visit with trying by Michael and a synchronicity moment dharma talk by Ben Connelly about "The Three Natures". Wow. I spoke briefly during the QA session and really felt more confident in the act of engaging. That was as validating as the talk was. Tommy sent me a photo of the flowers he left for his mom, unprompted, without even a reminder comment from me. It was a sweet gesture on his part. Jen and I went to my moms and hung out for a while and talked. Jen really opened up to me about the work around the Byron Katie workbook and we discussed it tonight in more depth. She's so close to a positive insight and acceptance of bring blameless in her relationship with her mom. It's hard work.

Accomplishments: came up with a handful of action items around Jikoji. Made more progress on the Boulder post but also stated expanding some things while reducing others. Sooooo close.

Gratitudes: Being able to gain confidence at 61. The joy of driving a mini convertible through the woods while being present to the gift being able to do so is. How Jen looks at me. That Scottie still likes to play.

Mindset: I'm taking a less aggressive approach to the plans for the day so I have to practice prioritizing.

Goals: I'll go to Jikoji for the weekend Zazen and focus on connecting to the nature and the Sanga. I'll also work on the next needs of the IT and site. I want to finalize the Boulder post and if time allows, LinkedIn optimizations. And piano practice. That's enough for today.

Anticipation: it'll be nice to spend a few hours at Jikoji.

Gratitudes: The morning walks around our neighborhood are so pleasant. Flowers are blooming, the foothills are green and the temperature is ideal. (In the morning). :-)

Highlights: Finding a couple of WWII "Hilter's Inferno" propaganda records at a garage sale, paying $1 for two, and selling them moments later to another shopper for $30. That money went towards our purchase of the hanging lamp Jen's wanted for almost a year. I negotiated a 20% discount on it. The hook is deep into a stud in the ceiling, I'm pretty confident it's well hung and it looks awesome.

Accomplishments: I didn't fully complete my Boulder story, but I made significant progress and need to finish the last 15% once I sleep on its direction and structure. I did maintain my keto regime and Implemented a rudimentary M-F workday structure to start next week. Exitidy and garage work got sidelined by the time spent shopping and hanging the lamp as well as haircuts and baths for both dogs. It was a productive day all the same.

Gratitudes: Tommy's increasingly cooperative and positive vibes and presence are making a world of difference in our home.

Post trim 'n baths

the mid-century lamp from Montebello

Mindset: I'm optimistic as I start the day and try a new spin on this daily journaling. I will start capturing goals in the morning and accomplishments at the day's end. I'm tracking planned as actual. I believe it'll help me with focus, priorities and progress as I work to get some momentum behind my intentions heading into June.

Goals: Complete my Boulder story. Flesh out my simple "Exitidy" site design. Maintain keto regime. Implement my M-F workday structure. Remove the dog barriers in the garage. Bonus points for LinkedIn profile updates, moving wine overflow to crawlspace and mailing "TEX" to Jack.

Anticipation: Going to a garage sale with Jen this morning to look some retro items, getting the mid-century lamp from Montebello. Enjoying an 86º high and a likely wonderful evening for sitting outside, assuming the bugs aren't issues, as they typically are. :-/

Gratitudes: I'm so at home in this home. I'm enjoying the cool morning air on the patio, calming music, and starting my day with a mindset of opportunities. Lucky's chasing squirrels - always entertaining!

My coffee with Marlin this morning was great. "Sues" in Saratoga is someplace I want to spend more time. We had an engaging time talking and catching up. I was going to walk with Johnathon, but my mom called needing help with her cats, so I had to postpone the coffee. Her cat Hutch has what is likely cancer. He's 15yr old, so it's not a shock but still a concerning scenario for her. I was grateful that, even though my plans were impacted, I was in a position to help her out. As she comprehends her cat's fate I recognize her increasingly frail state and diminishing physical health. I'm so conscious of my own gratitude for Scottie, the experiences I share with Jen. All of it. I looked at Tommy tonight as he as in our room talking. He seldom shared anything with me or us for years and now he's opening up and I'm recognizing a level of maturity and adulthood that really makes me happy and proud. What a journey it's been for him. What a tumultuous and disorienting childhood and youth he's had. And survived. I love seeing him coming into this space and phase.

Four years ago on this day...

Highlights: Scottie's 4th "Adoption" Day. Jen and I made a day run to Paso to pick up wines from Calcarious, Parrish and Sirena. We had a great time even though it was a long drive. We left the dogs solo with the dog doors open, and they either 'held it' for 8+ hours or used the door to get in/out from the backyard, which I hope was the case. I'm working through piano lessons and hit another one of those sections that'll take a few days of routine effort. Tommy's continuing to work on his own lessons too. Lauren called and we're hoping all works out for her to visit next week between classes, depending on work schedule. All in all life is good, it was a good day, likely our last "big spend/big outing" for awhile as we start to hone in on our income needs next. Priorities, right?

Highlights: A few days have passed since my last entry. I'm trying to find a new groove/routine in my writing so this is taking a back burner. Yes, that reference works with the photo of Original Joe's on this post, and yes, it's intentional. Jen got back this week from Portland. We're working with a bit more focus on trying to align our energy and efforts on the remaining year, and the break from routine work demands is something we want to make the most of. We want to find new paths we love. Oh, I bought a full-sized electric piano Monday, just before picking up Jen, and both Tommy and I are taking turns working on learning to play. I "invested" in this and a training course because I know I can learn to play reasonably well. Any doubt I might have would be a barrier to success, and self-sabotage, so, I'm just doing it and not putting energy into anything but success. It'll take time, and I seem to have it now. Jen and I met Jack and Judy Marks for dinner in San Ramon. It was great to finally introduce them. Everybody Loves Jennifer™, and now, two more people do. :-)

Accomplishments: I got the Jikoji newsletter sent. I continued work on finalizing the business license. I cleared out several other abstract action items.

Anticipation: Our "4-winery-pickup-spree" in Paso tomorrow.

Gratitudes: It's a real joy to see Tommy working to master "Scientist" by Coldplay. I am glad he's engaging in this as a creative interest.

One Sentence Summary: Green lights surround us.

Highlights: Productive visit to Jikoji to review budget-related stuff and reconnect with folks. I managed to get more migration of 2FA to the Authenticator app, which was a big step. I installed the 2nd dog door at the garage/patio, so dogs now have in/out privileges. Fun time having dinner with Jon, watching some "History of the World Part II" (meh) and "Armageddon Time" (wow). Keeping it brief for tonight. I expect to write more tomorrow.

Highlights: Coffee with Donna yesterday was encouraging and connecting. Dinner Thur night with geeks was fun; as always, the conversations were animated and engaging. Today was a good day of focused effort tackling a few lingering tasks, tinkering with the keyboard further, and taking my mom to Fremont for a hip/back-related concern.

Accomplishments: CalTran's claim filed - we'll see how that plays out. Also, yesterday I finally talked to somebody at MetLife, and I'm hoping to hear something next week about the resumption of insurance, which would be useful.

Anticipation: Visiting Jikoji tomorrow after a week+ away. Meeting with board members and hopefully getting some further traction on the return of the newsletter.

Goals: Continue noticing all of the reminders that surround me following my Boulder trip that I have a say in how the year ahead will play out.

Gratitudes: The good vibes surrounding me with family and friends and pets :-)

Highlights: Jen's off to Portland, and the dogs are visibly shaken. Tommy and I had dinner at Aqui and made plans for a two-night stay for Catalina at month-end, which I could not say no to. I'm continuing to try to make time daily for piano exploration (I won't call it learning just yet). I had a good conversation with a friend over coffee about childhood, retirement, parenting and relationships. I'm grateful that Tommy and my communication has improved. I sense that he's gradually healing from the past few years+ of struggle.

1:30 seconds in… atoms, molecules, life, death, consciousness, potential… I've recently come to the same understanding.

Highlights: Returning to journalling after returning home. I'm very happy to be home. I had a wonderful time in Boulder, yet my time there greatly reinforced how much I want to spend my time at home with Jen and Tommy and see more of Lauren and my mom. I've used the past four months to venture out and about, travel with family, visit friends, attend zen retreats and more. It's been a rare opportunity. Now I need to focus on what's next. Since returning Saturday, I got to see Lauren on Monday when she came for a 1-day turnaround for further dental appointment needs. Jen, Tommy, and I went to Ikea. He got a new bed and mattress, which barely made it into his Tesla. It was akin to a Tetris game. I'm hunkering down this week as I focus on helping Jikoji manage newsletters and SAS accounts. Jen's leaving for Portland for six days tomorrow, and I'll be home-bound but still active. The 'dog door' I put in has started working.

Gratitudes: The time spent on the Denver trip and the realization I came to there. And that I have made significant headway in my efforts to heal myself, my kids and my outlook after not just a couple of years of very difficult transitions but from a lifetime of not seeing the bigger picture.

Oh, and today I learned that dogs poop in alignment with Earth's magnetic field. Fascinating!

Base Camp

Much of what has been going on for me this week ties back, yet again, to "Wings of Desire." I have loved the idea held in the concept that being present, grateful and alive can be as simple as experiencing the warmth of a fresh cup of coffee in your hand on a cold morning. That has stayed with me as an ideal since the first time I saw the movie. The past couple of years have seen that awareness increasing. After last Friday, I have felt it fully and on a broader and deeper scale. Staying aggressively mindful and connected when accustomed to living within a belief pattern made habitual by years of intense conditioning requires constant effort.