Read. Write. Recover.

The year is ending, my kids are going to a bowling party w/their mom and friends, and my whole day has predominantly been spent weeding mental space in the garden of my conscious mind.

Things came to a breaking point a few weeks ago, when I was wresting once again with a sense of disbelief that after 4 years of effort to amicably and peacefully resolve our differences, I was still paying for legal advice and encountering further twists and turns. Along with separate legal advice and the realization that a fact I’ve been aware of but ignored for the past 3.5 years, being that you don’t spend $50 to save $25, was what I was now doing…. I came to the conclusion that I would gladly compromise significantly in her favor in order to close this chapter once and for all.

It is the end of 2017. I am beyond thrilled to see the year come to a close for numerous reasons. I'm going to spend the day, with the exception of a brief visit to my mom in rehab following her back surgery, focused on trying to mentally "close the books" on the prior year, and set for some objectives for 2018. I'm going to start small, with some monthly or quarterly goals, and build from there.

I hope to implement some substantial focus and lifestyle changes that will help me take the reins on the coming year, and the years to follow.

As I sift through the foundation upon which I hope to build upon in 2018, a particular statement from a poster of quotes I recovered from my youth & keeps reverberating... "There are visual errors in time as well as in space". What memories do I or anybody for that matter, have, that are not colored by our own perception, intent, and bias? Sometimes I would love to understand what others might have taken from a shared experience. And sometimes... sometimes I fear I could not stand knowing.

It's The Lease I Can Do

I am formally locked into the rental for well over a year. We agreed yesterday that we would update the lease and stay through April 2019. Although I would really like to be closer to the kids, I'm not painfully far away like I was in Santa Clara, and the simple fact that I can continue to save money while spending a much-needed year in “recovery mode” makes it totally compelling.

I need to recover. The experience of these past four years have been so difficult, stressful and draining. I need to remove everything I can from my plate for awhile and not take on anything substantial beyond some key core specific focuses. I need to read more, write more, and get healthy… emotionally, mentally and physically. So that is what 2018 will be. I’m going to put myself first for awhile, so I can be around for my kids and engaged in the year ahead while they transition into high school.

Crash Into Me

Last week, after a rather hectic day, I took a few evening hours to queue up and watch, for the umpteenth time, “Crash”.

What I find so compelling about the movie “Crash” is the intricate and fragile characters that each of the main and supporting actors portray. The jaded policeman played by Matt Dillon whose abuse of power to shame a couple to the point of sexual abuse makes you feel absolute disdain for them, yet then you see the struggle he faces with his father‘s illness and the frustration he feels trying to get him the medical help he needs, and then the complete lack of consideration for his own safety in order to save the life of a stranger … you can’t help but wonder which of them is “the real” John Ryan. Or the relatively small and simple role of the district attorneys’ housekeeper. What an elegant individual she turns out to be as she moves from being completely invisible to Sandra Bullock’s character until nobody is available or willing to respond to her emotional need for recognition of the human being that she is, despite the distrust she faces in daily life. The whole movie is filled with characters facing internal struggle, conflict, assumptions and judgments, and moments when they are at their best, worst, most honest and most vulnerable.



I’m not always paying attention to what’s around me, to the people around me, or considering the situations that each of these people might face in their own lives. And they’re likely not thinking of me. From an isolated viewpoint, I am nobody to them. They are nobody to me. But as a component of a society or of our humanity even, they are me and I am them. Like millions of cells that make up a larger entity. Perhaps we should all be more conscious of this as we work through this short timeframe in history that we call our lives.

I’m taking a walk and going to Starbucks on Foxworthy Avenue. I’m going to try and incorporate at least three walks a week into my routine, especially when I’m working from home. I need to get out and move about more. The sedentary aspects of my daily life are beginning to show their harmful signs in my weight, muscle loss and pain from something as simple as… well… walking.

I have a long list of blog posts queue'd up. Well, actually, to be precise, I have a long list of ideas but not fully authored posts. I'm at no loss for topics, but time and focus are struggles. Thus this effort. Instead of focusing on posts I obsess over and never get written, I'm going to start journaling as well. My intention is to write at least 4 days a week. I'll write about whatever comes to mind.