Monday, August 26, 2019

Sweet & Sour Sixteen



The kids turned 16 today. It's hard to believe. I often find myself watching the many photos that pop up on the iPads throughout the house and struggle to imagine how quickly they've grown up. This past year was, from where I sit, a pretty substantial year for them. One filled with growth, maturation and an evolution of their individual character and identities. And I could not be prouder of both of them.




Lauren's year has been spent getting more and more independence and confidence in herself. She's embraced theater tech, attended a related conference, made and sustained friendships with both girls and a couple of 'boyfriends' too, and she's blossomed and come out of her shell in significant ways. I find myself consciously recognizing how very strong her will and resolve can be in all she puts her mind to. I have to occasionally remind myself that I can 'let go' of feeling like I need to to everything, or even anything, for her. She's got this.




Tommy's grown into a young man, with strong goals, character and a good natured but slightly mischievous sense of humor and adventure. He's made friends in my neighborhood and through school. He's struggled with academics but is making a renewed effort for his sophomore year. And he's remained a sincerely sweet and kind hearted young man.




They've both adapted to and embraced my relationship with Jennifer and I consider it to be a healthy and positive representation for them of something sincerely positive and supportive between two people. I think they feel completely at home with us, feel accepted and supported, and loved. And that sets the tone for the year ahead for all of us.




We (the kids, I and Linda) had dinner tonight to celebrate their birthdays. Kyoto Palace. It's an annual outing, and one of two instances where we do things together. In all honestly there's been times I've struggled with it for various reasons but it's also right in line with what I want to promote and encourage for them as far as being mature and setting aside differences out of respect and a greater purpose. Their well being.




I have high hopes for us all for the year to come.




Happy Birthday kids. You mean more to me than I ever imagined possible, and as you become young adults, I hope to give you the freedom to do so without constraint or judgment. I may push you for what I believe is best for you, but I'll give you an increasing degree of autonomy to make the choices you'll make based on your own aspirations too.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

Someone He Does Not Recognize

I awoke from the deepest sleep in the early hours of the morning, as I do more frequently every passing day, needing to urinate. It’s become an increasingly common occurrence. The need to pee, that is. The depth of sleep is not, however, routine, in the least. Deep sleep is a gift I seldom receive anymore. My sleep is typically shallow, light and fragmented. Therefore, the rare occasions when I actually feel a measured and distinct loss of consciousness for an extended period are the instances I as deeply resent having interrupted.

Thursday, August 08, 2019

Down In A Hole

I'm writing this with great trepidation. I am not seeking attention, reassurance, counsel or any sort of outreach. I just need to get something that's been festering for a couple of months now, off my chest. I've been wrestling with increasingly overwhelming depression and I need to try and work through it in writing.

Wednesday, August 07, 2019

Highlight(s): Starbucks w/Lauren. Dropped em at Pano. Worked at my mom's on task-list stuff. Got kids, last-min Lion King outing w/Lauren. Tommy hung with neighbors.

Gratitude: Making memories w/my kids

Goal: Show patience and cooperation when taking w/Linda tomorrow about school year plans.

Anticipation: Hoping to make time to write tomorrow

Accomplishments: Walking Parenting

Tuesday, August 06, 2019

Highlight(s): PM PTO. AM call w/insart about refactoring, retention, and more. Shared news w/RP about losing Alexander due to hands being tied about refactoring. Frustrating. Got Lauren early and got her phone battery repaired. Grabbed Andale, picked up Tommy, returned to get Lauren's phone w/Jen and Scottie along for the ride/walk. Pleasant evening. Missed out on Lab126 opportunity. Bummed but keeping eye on prize.

Gratitude: Great kids

Goal: Stick to aggressive weight loss plan. It's a huge factor in my battle with depression.

Anticipation: Time helping my mom out

Watched/Read/Listened To: Calm "Rethinking Depression" and Dixie Chicks VH1 Storytellers

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Monday, August 05, 2019

Highlight(s): Last week was a PTO week spent at Allegretto for 3 days w/Jen and Scottie and then renting a convertible Camero and driving for 2 days w/the kids. Both were epic awesome experiences. Both will be repeated. And for the record, top-down from Santa Cruz to HMB via 9/35 are unparalleled experiences.

Gratitude: Living where we do. There's so much beauty.

Goal: Return to daily mediation, which has slipped of late.

Anticipation: Working on some blog posts this week.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Cleanup