This morning's walk was brief and aggressively paced, too. I want to puff my chest and point out the low 14's as my pace per minute, but the average was 15.14. My heart rate hit 121. And it was so dark at 7 am! That'll change next week with the arcane adherence to adjusting the hours of the day to accommodate our idiotic construct of "time" and daylight coordination. If Benjamin Franklin saw the chaos his 250-year-old idea was causing and the insanity of clinging to anything designed for 13 colonies living without all of the advancements made otherwise, he could not stop throwing up.* I reached Leigh before 7.30 and picked up Tommy's car. It's a win-win for both of us. He can drop it at night and have it magically back in the driveway the following day while I have a timeline and target, allowing me the movement and sun exposure I seek. The sunrise was terrific: bright orange hues, scattered thin clouds and panoramic. I momentarily regretted not having taken my phone on the walk so I could take a photo. Yet, my ability to observe and enjoy it was exponentially greater. I've taken and deleted enough 'nature' pictures as it is, and seriously, how many photos of the same sunrise were being taken simultaneously within 5 minutes in a 5-mile radius? Eventually, I can imagine a point where I could query any date, time and coordinates and get back a catalog of all the photos taken there and then. Just imagine the terabytes of data that would reduce and how you might take in a sunset at the tunnel vista overlooking Yosemite Valley, a herd of Bison traversing a snow-covered field in Yellowstone, or a concert performance you're half-listening to as you strive to get the suitable framing and focus on your phone. I've come back to this topic often: the challenging balancing act of living presently when technology has rewired our thinking process and compulsions. When I took that walk recently from my childhood home toward high school, it was with an entirely different outlook. As I sit here now, the rising sun lighting the trees like a painting capturing the initial onset of fall and the changing of the seasons, I wish I'd paid as much attention to it for the 60-some years prior. And how subjective "beauty" is. The forest was always "beautiful" to me, while the desert was bleak and barren. I could not understand how my sister-in-law Kathy considered the terrain of Tuscon so outstanding. I've come to see it differently, recognizing that all of nature, even destructive hurricanes and devastating fires, can be seen as beauty when you remove the ego and attachment to conditions and circumstances innately subject to forces well beyond our control. I'd be heartbroken to lose my home or a loved one to any of these infinite possibilities, yet they exist, and within them lies intense natural beauty. In another way, we may lament the loss of something we never genuinely possess when we see anything as permanent. Relationships, possessions, environment, it's all transitional. Living fully aware of this requires vigilance. I appreciate the bird that just flew to and briefly perched on a nearby string of lights so much more now, having recently watched a similar bird struggle and die on the ground before me. My mom's calls for tech support still trigger a baseline of frustration, yet I have far greater empathy and recognition of how they'll be fond memories if I'm fortunate enough to live that long. All these insights are aspirations being reinforced through repetition. Yet I'll derail this very train of thought when the next squirrel runs across the fence. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

a stunning tattoo

Stanford visit, X-RAY'd, confirmed degeneration of discs, MRI, and consult to follow Sun/Mon on options. In the future, from that point, it'll be important to me to consider a few critical factors, mainly the long-term risks of doing or not, mobility limitations of doing or not, and the impact on my future risk-taking (biking, car accident) from doing or not. Cardz with the usual suspects. Death Cafe call planning "Grief II", which I may or not make on Friday.

I feel a sense of apathetic ambivalence towards everything right now. Discomfort. Uncertainty. Why? I default to lamenting the level of 'stuff on my plate', even though it's far less than I ever faced when working full time. There are my mom's minimal needs, which are not at all overwhelming. The demands of Jikoji are vast but also self-inflicted and, in some ways, many ways, gratifying once I release the occasional sense of being taken advantage of as a volunteer when I'm the one who willingly does. It's perhaps my 'job', but I feel detached like my prior 'real' one. The book, writing, that is where I'd like to say I want to put all of my energy, yet I'm not, so is it? So much of it's already written, yet pulling it together is fraught with apprehension and avoidance. Quoting Kenan, "What's Up With That?". All that being said, I'm consciously aware of 'being with discomfort' as it's proven time and time again to be a transitional opportunity. Resisting it keeps me static and stuck. Allowing it to overwhelm and overtake me can be like cracking out of a chrysalis.

"Of course it's a good idea!" - God to Arthur

Highlights: Avoiding and ignoring the election hasn't been easy, and I've progressively sunken further and further into the circus of late. I've been trying to distance myself, but the algorithms are so deft that one transgression can result in a cascade of doom scrolling. I certainly have my strong preference, but I am leaning heavily on the stoic and zen awareness of what's within your ability to influence and how time is lost, lamenting the rest, including time spent doom scrolling. So, I'm done with that and getting back to my regularly scheduled programming. I had to punt meeting Jack for lunch today due to not feeling well, but the rest of the day seems to have helped. I managed to attend to some banking, postal, and grocery needs before settling into the afternoon at home, wasting time as mentioned above, but enough to recognize it as such. I think I'll need to wear noise-cancelling headphones for the next week or two.

Insights: Walking daily continues to resonate, and tomorrow, I'll be pressing for another early rise and departure. If I wait too long I encountered the minicaravan at Stratford. Ugh. And the earlier start works perfectly for the parallel meditaiton efforts. Having these routines is good for my mental health. I have been striving to reduce the distractions and commitments so I can put my full attention on writing, and I'm starting to consider leaving the house more often, even if it's just a walk to Starbucks, as the distractions at home, not of Jen but of 'things to do', is more of an internal struggle than not doom scrolling through the final week of the election.

Every so often, I have a day with no demands on my time, no distractions, no places to be, things to go or people to do. Today was NOT that. My morning walk included encountering an elderly woman with significant difficulty walking, let alone bringing in her empty trash cans from the street. Naturally, I asked if she would like help, and she accepted. It necessitated going in and through her home to open the side gate, which was locked using a metal hook that I can not imagine her being able to reach in the first place. Her name is "Ann," and I also helped her with her TV remote. At that point, it occurred to me that my mom must be part of an elderly network through which they share the locations of family, which will help and give tips on how to spot them coming. The trash can trap was a ruse. Ann is going to try to get my help with a PC next time; I just know it! Still, I will watch her on future walks as I would appreciate someone helping my parent, too. Jikoji's weekly planning meeting resulted in a few action items falling my way. Technical ones. Maybe that previously mentioned network of message boards has a Zen section, too. I took my mom to her credit union to attend to some estate and trust needs (not "issues"). That ended up taking over 90 minutes. We had just enough time to make it to Lindsey and Ryan's wedding. At the last minute, I was able to FaceTime David and Julia into it. We all regrouped shortly after for dinner at Tomato Thyme, Butternut Squash ravioli FTW. Jen visited a friend this evening while I finally watched the 2nd half of "Steve!", the Steve Martin documentary. It was enjoyable and sweet. His friendship with Martin Short is a joy and reminiscent of a few of my own. Whata gift to have. Friendships. Oh, and today I learned that no matter how good my home roasted coffee is, It can't hold up against expired half-and-half.

Highlights: A morning sit and a slightly tweaked 2-mile route. Mom's 2nd day of chemo. A good call with Matt on the heals of my latest post. Jikoji work. A call with Peggy at the Forum about death cafe topics. Enjoying new TFF release.

Past Path Presence

 

At around 7:45 AM this morning, I set out on my now-routine daily morning walk. I’ve been walking 2 miles a day lately and at a decent pace. It’s not only getting my heart rate up; I also get that whole Huberman "morning sun” benefit as a bonus. Only today, because I was picking up my mom in Cupertino and I had the time beforehand, I took a walk into my past.

Highlights: Tommy shared an opportunity yesterday to leverage a local contact's ADU as a place to live. It sounds like the ideal opportunity to get some initial experience living alone without the cost, constraint or commitment of a complete move. Jen and I started a nightly routine to set aside time to connect, which included beginning to read Richard Bach's "One" together. I recall struggling with it decades prior, while "The Bridge Across Forever" and "Illusions" were key in my 20's and early 30's. Today is my mom's 86th birthday. I told her I'd bought her a 10-year savings bond,  and she laughed heartily. I don't know at this point that she has another year, which continues to inform my responses to her needs for tech support with more compassion and patience.

Insights: Reality. Where aspirations meet hesitations. A common lament for me is what I want to do vs. what I act on and complete. What's at the top of my mind often appears in numerous ways throughout my days. It's that "thinking about buying a Tesla" experience when driving. At the moment that is optimizing my routines and commitments while aligning on the one thing that is my mission, as it were. What I'd regret most not having completed were a pair of headlgihts to appear suddntly and unavoidably on an evening drive, a massive falling tree limb clearing my skull by a matter of feet (that happened) or my walk to or ride in the car be inteerrpted by the sudden pain of a ceasing heart (Tom, Nicole). that one thing would be writing something of substance. Daily musings and stream of consiousness are great ways for me to exercise and exorcise my thoughts and feelngs, sure, with the added benefit of leaving beyind confessional recognigion of my wide ranging dysfunctions. But there's so much more I want to present. There has been for decades. A common consideration in my efforts to balance this 'break' from the demands of employment, likely temporary, being afforded this window of ample time to focus on this, is me revisiting and refinding the tiny habits. The daily routines. Walking and getting my heart rate up is now "a thing" and having done so for a full week with drive and commitment, can be considered a "habit". As is getting that first exposure to mornng light. As is listening to something, anything, each morning, to align my compass and point me in the right direction. The daily calm, the daily stoic, stoic coffee break, they're all options and forerunners in whatever I'll listen to once the dogs are fed and I'm out the door.

Professional History down to the 009's

Another day, waking and going with the momentum. I felt "called" to walk, and did, this time finding perhaps the 'sweet spot' of paths that afford me 2+ miles weaving in and around the neighborhood without doubling back. Why does that give me a sense of accomplishment? It's like those puzzles where you move two matches to make a square. I got my mom's two older Macs wiped and streetside for e-waste pickup, but she reported later that a neighbor took them. Have fun, neighbor. You'll have to reinstall the OS, and they're too old for the current ones. Oh well. I made dog food for the next four weeks. The day ended with yet another trip to the Stanford Theatre for yet another double feature in their film noir festival: Laura and Out of the Past. We caught the later showings, and both were great, but it did run late.

The BLT: bacon, lettuce, diced tomatoes, with a drizzle of mayo'

Highlights: Starbucks AM for a change of scenery. Wrote. Jen and I did a day trip to Santa Cruz and found "Good Dogs" in Soquel. Lauren called! It was so welcome. She's coming down next Thursday for Lindsey's wedding on Friday. Tommy reached out and apologized for the tension earlier this week and treated us to dinner at Divine. I punted on the Stanford tonight, and we watched the latest 'Last Week Tonight' along with the latest "Family Guy", which still makes me laugh out loud. Passing Thought: I have always known that stupid people try to control the narrative surrounding their intelligence.

Grief and Gratitude

I spent time at Villa Montalvo yesterday, walking and sitting in a specific area, listening to a playlist I'd curated for ten years, immersed in the solitude of the surrounding forest while submerged in the broad range of highly focused emotions those songs bring forth with brutal intensity to this very day. Tears were shed. Fists were clenched. My head shook in disappointment or nodded in acceptance throughout the 30 minutes of sonic reflection, recollection and, to a lesser degree, release.

Highlights: A pleasant morning writing on the patio, reminiscent of Loma Vista days. A good walk on a new route that was .5m short, but there are weaving options to explore. Taking a drive to try the newly updated FSD mode trial. Going to Villa Montalvo, walking about and pausing for quite a while to listen to some music and reflect deeply on it's personal history. A brief text exchange w/Tommy set a new tone and emphasized that transitions are inevitable and also, good. Jen and I went to see "The Spiral Staircase" and "Isle of the Dead" at the Stanford and enjoyed them both.

Mindset: Quagmire. And not in a "giggity" way. A genuinely complicated situation continues to dominate my time and attention, and not in a positive way. I am doing my best to set aside the ego and the need for someone to be something they are incapable of. In other news, I had a good walk today, although an attempt to coordinate a meeting with a friend for coffee was sidelined by incorrect assumptions about their timeline and availability. Sigh. Still, the daily walking is going well. I'm speed-walking (to a modest degree) to hit a healthy pace and get my cardio points, too. Until this week, the only thing I do daily to raise my heart rate and get my blood pumping has been too quick and narrowly targeted. This feels like a step in the right direction. I have been working this week on better understanding the "burn rate" of Jikoji as a business, and I met with Katie today to review some of the reports and features within QuickBooks. It is a steep learning curve, but it also has some functionality that will be helpful and may streamline some workflows and processes. At a minimum, getting to a board-wide understanding of the average high-low funding requirements will help immensely. Happy Hound burgers were the meal at my mom's tonight, where there too lies another "zentertraining" opportunity to accept some characteristics that, at 86, can't be changed, can be explained, but are also triggers for me personally, based on some of the assertions being made that I know first hand to be absurdly inaccurate and outlandishly overblown.

Compound Fractures

My breaking point has been reached. Again. By Tommy and his extreme entitlement and disregard for our asking for the simplest cooperation and considerations. The efforts I have made to communicate and repeatedly ask that he respect the simple request voiced by Jennifer and me that he keep the bathroom clean go ignored daily. Clothes get left in the sink daily. I move those clothes out of the sink and onto his bedroom floor daily. And when told it needs to stop, it's done again the next day. It's a passive-aggressive act that signals that our wishes are unimportant to him.

I started trying to get more walking into my morning routine. I plan to create a process that affords me time each morning to meditate, motivate, get morning sun, and have a starting point each day that puts me on a desired path. The "trial run" (walk) was 1.9 miles in about 30 minutes. That seems reasonable and sustainable. I'll do it again tomorrow morning. Back at home, I roasted coffee for the week, replaced the battery in one of the two dog collar trackers, and moved a few of the existing trackers around to optimize what fit best. We washed the dogs at the end of the evening after a quick run for some grocery needs. Earlier today, I dropped in on my mom and stopped by Madronia to honor and recognize Linda's birthday. It remains surreal to sit above the ground in which she is buried. Yet the fact remains that her life and mine were intertwined and left a lasting impact and lessons to learn from. We may have never had the resolution, closure and acceptance had she not gotten ill.

Another pleasant day in Indian Wells. We went to the "Integratron" for a "sound bath". It was interesting and enjoyable, yet nothing that opened some hidden door to a greater level of consciousness. The "La Copine" meal afterward was terrific and worth the trip. We stopped at the "Transiions" sculpture in Joshua Tree, too. We have an early start tomorrow with a 7.15 AM flight. I've enjoyed this short trip, but I also want to be back home and start working on some realignment of actions and goals.

Flew to Palm Springs Thursday to meet Jennifer at Marc and Christy's. Actually flew with Marc. Enjoyed a nice dinner downtown and the weekly closure of the main drag for art and food festival. It was warm, of course, but not at all uncomfortable. Their home is perfect-open design, awesome location, a great gathering place. Ten and I walked in the morning before it got too hot. This is a great spot to just lounge, which is exactly what I am doing. The day was a simple relaxing one. Dinner-steak, potatoes, asparagus, salad, blue cheese crumbles-Yeah- Epic. Marc's stereo is incredible and the first time in perhaps 20 years or more that I experienced (or paid attention to) sound so immersive. So many favorites, from "School" to "Beyond the sea" to "Wild God " , Jeff Goldblum, and Linda Ronstant/Nelson Riddle, played wonderfully. I did not realize how much I have missed focusing on music and sound. It's been relegated to the background. How diluted existence has become by living each moment mentally divided. Jen had a wonderful day, too. One filled with laughter and engagement. She is a joy to be with. She is perhaps the single most genuinely honest, open and accepting person I have ever known. I envy and aspire to have half as much good nature.

One of my favorite moments ever. So simple. So genuine.

How is it 9 pm? How is it even Wednesday? Don't get me started on 100° temperatures on October 1st. Tracking a day's passing is hard enough without the weather throwing your concept of seasons out the window. Tomorrow, I'll fly to Palm Springs for three nights with Jen at Christy & Marc's place in Indian Wells. So, I'm leaving idyllic weather to chase the heat I'm lamenting here. Right. But, you know, it's dry heat. I skipped meditation to linger awhile with thoughts left incomplete between my head and the pillow. It's infrequent, but once in a while, I'll treat myself. I am struggling to remember WTF I did with my day. It's always good to start or end the day journaling. It helps me reinforce the experiences. I recall finessing and getting close to my automated indoor/outdoor temperature-based alerts and actions in "Shortcuts." That's one of those tasks I poke at every few months and walk away from, yet I found a path and followed it to success today. Only its functional purpose is related to the heat waves, which may be over for this year. Maybe. But that'll buy me time to poke more and flesh out something I'd be proud of. I made an early morning run to Sketchtown, near the ice rink and the dispensaries. Between the campers, dilapidated cars being used for shelter, rows of tents lining the streets and unused railways, the homeless encampments are prominent and prevalent. I often struggle to find compassion in my heart when, time after time, I'm exposed to such scenarios as choices for many. Not all. Some percentage, though, appear to want this "freedom" to live "off the grid." It was just a surprise. I did find it funny that these are all around the dispensary district. I assume it's not because they all like being close to the ice rink. I snagged a few things from Hope Thrift for the trip that I hope will be useful. I helped my mom out with a few things by phone. It's a challenge and a gift to be more understanding and aware of my ability to influence things in a positive or negative light. My empathy and sense of connection have surfaced recently due to daily reflection and consideration of each day as a gift—blah blah, new-age blah. I took a moment today to reach out to Karen and Eric, to tell Tommy that I'm proud of the efforts he is putting into a career helping others and expressed gratitude to Jen for the family she's manifested for us over the past couple of years, and shared a very significant photo of an exchange with my daughter, with my daughter. Somebody dropped off flowers for Tommy tonight. Noice!

Highlights: Roasted coffee for the trip. I got coffee with JS, and the conversation brought some interesting writing ideas to mind. The dialog surfaced organically as we discussed various ultimately interconnected topics. Language, meaning, text vs talk and all that's lost or misconstrued in the former, interfamily dynamics, politics, the fragile balance of our economic model, and more. We occasionally stumble into a "My Dinner With Andre" level of engagement and insight. I picked up some clothes for the trip, too. I talked further with my mom about estate planning and delegating possessions. It's getting harder to maintain a sense of awareness as to her struggle and inevitable and imminent demise. I pressed today that she should be using this time not to clear for us but to live for herself - to do something fulfilling. Travel is not an option for various reasons, spanning risks to physical limitations. If it interests her, I want to schedule something for early 2025 as a week-long family gathering with her while she's alive. (Not a good idea as a 'surprise' party.) I'm revisiting some Welles-based cine-files and loving the depth and breadth of these guy's dialogs; there's such genuine honesty and observations that are deeply relatable.

Three days of catch-up? NFW. I must focus more on writing the book and less on daily journals. Ironically, what fuels and distracts me are these daily years of entries, capturing history and creating the present as an ongoing narrative. So, yeah, Friday was an off night, and what proceeded over the weekend is best summarized as tensions dissolving into defensive discussions, some space and mutual recognition of a reasonable resolution to resolve and evolve. To recognize boundaries, triggers, and common grounds. Other events included a Sunday morning ride with Mark through monte-sereno and into Saratoga for a bite at the Big Basin Cafe downtown. It was excellent and helpful to vent and lament the situation that had occurred. Mark was helpful in listening, relating, and counseling. It came in handy later. I ended the weekend at the Stanford Theater for "The Third Man" and "Key Largo". I discovered my new favorite seats, talked briefly to the projectionist, and got the contact info for getting involved with the foundation. I stayed through the second showing of "The Third Man" from my newly discovered seats. It was worth every minute. The popcorn consumption, however, was excessive, and it cost me the next day. 'nuff said. Saturday also saw me swapping out the buzzing switches in the Kitchen and going to Matt B's for dinner with the usual crowd, including Diana and Teri, while they're out from Minnesota (eh). That was fun and I enjoyed the dialog and banter. Seeing the 'book' he and I used to scrawl joke notes was a punch to my emotional solar (calendar) plexus. My awareness of how much time has passed. Decades. I got to revisit and recall some of our forgotten ideas, including the infamous "Kevin Collins" sketch. What a flashback that was. I spent today attending to some home and online tasks, and going to AAA and getting details all about our car insurance constraints. Lindsey came over after work and after Tommy and I had made a Costco run. She hung, and we talked for hours about marriage, family, obligation, dysfunction, intention, and the importance of attending to authoring your life story. It was a moving experience at times. It was an honest dialog between three generations. I've been in a few situations like this before, and they have always been insightfully impactful. Only now, I'm the elder. Wow. As Woody said, "The food here is awful. And such small portions"

Well, that was special. That being the night I had last night with very little sleep due to a drama playing out with Tommy borrowing my car and being gone for way longer and going far further than I consider respectful or reasonable, given that I was directly told otherwise. It threw my whole night off to be anxious and worried about the car getting back and charged back up to capacity because I needed it all day today. I had to abandon my plans to go to Jikoji, which was fine. I manage. It was inconvenient, and I'm old enough not to be inconvenienced, so somebody else isn't. That's not my job as a parent. I tried to shake it off as being yet another growing opportunity. When I was his age, I was pulling shit, too; I didn't feel entitled to do so. Today's Death Café went well. We focused on grief, which was always inspiring, informative, and supportive. I really enjoy the time I spend with these people. I've gotten to know many and really recognize our shared humanity. Jen still in Palm Springs so I went solo to the Stanford theater. There was a double feature as always. "Bedlam" and " Secret Behind the Door". I had never seen either. I enjoyed them both. It's hard to listen to Boris Karloff's voice with out thinking of references to Whoville. I sat on the lower level and really enjoyed the grand scope of being close to the screen, and then for the second, I went to the very back of the balcony where I was close enough to hear the motor and sprockets of the projector. It's such an awesome experience and I can't wait to go again. I'll be going on Sunday.

It's hard to fathom that it reached 103° today. On October 2nd. How this happened was predicted, denied and disputed. Delayed. I was glad to have a cool place for the day. At least the "winter" electricity rates kicked back in yesterday. $20 says those dates are going to compress or shift. It was pleasant in the yard this morning. I filled and hung the two additional hummingbird feeders, much to their approval. I guess I'm a bird-guy now. i just hope they start eating gnats along with the sugar-water concoction I put out to draw them in. 'Fun 'n Function", I always say. (not). I made a call to help Tommy get on a payment plan for the medical bill. I'm aligning other ideas. I set up an MRI and consulted on the 1st weekend of November. Oh, and continued chasing down Lauren's medical history. I made meatballs for dinner, including whipping up some 'forage'd indgredients. I got a late-night bike ride in with Mark. I started thinking again about "life's story": individual and shared experiences, identity, and being transitional, transactional and transformational states through the entire journey. That then all ends with you. Or…does it?. I returned home to "my wife and my dog." It is truly a happy home. Tommy's come so far and is maturing. I'm grateful and better for having gone through the hard times we'd had. I failed to recognize the hard times HE had, and I still struggle to stay conscious of them. His own varied and buried trauma and guilt. I believe he'll be ok with time and experience behind him. The same course, both as in 'lesson' and 'pathway,' that we are all in unison and independently. Speaking of which, I miss Lauren. She's heads down and seemingly heads turned away, too. Perhaps it's simply my own insecurity, or maybe instead, intuition or both. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to be the hovering parent.