One of my cohorts in the ongoing Death Cafe efforts, an elegant and articulate gentleman named Rich, is a retired psychologist whose practice was heavily focused on grief. When we first met, we discussed the topic, and he asked me a few pointed questions about my own experiences with that particular emotion. He quickly suggested I have "unreconciled grief."
Anybody reading my writings over the past few years might assume I loved my ex-wife. I did, and I did not. Anybody reading my posts for the five years before her diagnosis and death might wonder why I didn't see it as a blessing. A release from the torment and frustration that came from trying my best to sift through and salvage the foundation I felt could and should have served as an opportunity to remodel a dysfunctional marriage into a mutual acceptance and gratitude for the time spent, experiences shared, and family created. I did, and I did not.
I realized moments after proposing in Italy in mid-1998 that I might have jumped the gun due solely to the dramatic opportunity the circumstances presented. The events that followed soon after left me feeling responsible for following through on what was, in hindsight, a rushed and ill-informed decision. She used to comment that we lived more like brother and sister than husband and wife, which was true. Fifteen years, two sudden parental deaths (her mother and father) and ten years spent raising two children gave me ample insight into her core nature and character, as it did for her into mine. I don't think she felt any differently about me than I did about her. She could not admit that I was a compromise made out of desperation, at least not to me. I have reason to believe she did, though, to others. Neither of us was the other's ideal. Yet, we were family, and she was no more 'responsible' than I for the outcome, regardless of best efforts or intentions.
I want to talk more to Rich about "unreconciled" grief. I carry a conscious awareness of this experience with me to this day. I can still be transported back to the wide range of feelings, from anger to remorse, when I stumble across a historical post or when a particular song or lyric hits a specific nerve.
If reconciled means "forgetting," I don't know that I want to, as it's been one of my most enriching life lessons, no matter how complex the feelings are. If reconciled means "integrating and accepting," is that even possible without retaining the emotional intensity that provides this level of awareness and gratitude for the opportunity to experience life's highs and lows?
Shame doesn't become youThere are no mistakes in the final viewNo blame, how could it be so wrongThat your heart was braver than your will was strongThe Moment” - Toad the Wet Sprocket