Back to work, decent day, good progress on cost cutting research. Seriously unwarranted snark from Tommy when I shared the hockey puck fallout from his use of them at Matson. It's becoming a real problem. I took the net back late afternoon. Virtual happy-hour with Gomez's.


Gratitude: Being alive


Anticipation: Rose Garden tomorrow


Watched "Valley of the Dolls"


Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

Took the day off. Really enjoyed not being online. Made a double-header GOBM run just for fun, looking for interesting stuff and found lots. Arranged to get Cetrella to go and brought steaks and wine to Matt B's for a casual patio dinner. Tommy called just as we were leaving asking to come to Matson and play 'hockey' w/some neighbors. I assumed he meant "street" but it turns out he meant bringing their net and silicone ice squares. They had fun, but then drama ensued re returning the squares, time limits on social media, and the like. After recent events I've detached enough to stop carrying about any of the drama and I'm not participating, which worked well. I don't need drama.

Gratitude: The fun casual day w/Jen

Goal: Get lots of work done tomorrow

Anticipation: Rose Garden visit at lunch tomorrow if all works out

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

I was pretty upset last night by the whole evening with Tommy. I was lead to believe he'd smashed his phone out of upset and frustration. That was a lie. I found this out early this morning when I awoke to a series of texts and calls about getting online for school. I was also accused of causing connection issues that were their internet and not my doing. It was really upsetting to realize I was lied to, for no other reason than to inflict guilt. I've wrestled with it throughout the day and realized I simply have to stop engaging in anything other than being supportive and encouraging but not expecting truth, and not getting sucked into blame, guilt, or other manipulations. Work was good, productive. Missed daily meditation yesterday, 1st miss all year. Oh well. Not gonna beat myself up over it. Will resume tomorrow. Taking tomorrow off to spend some time hanging w/Jen.


Finished reading "Me". Enjoyed it.


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Unable to get through to Tommy. Tensions built and pushback was constant. Feel horrible. He's withdrawing from me instead of recognizing my sincere best intentions as to his use of Insta, his counseling needs, even down to the fact that I locked his phone down entirely because he called me a 'douche' and turned off location sharing. He ended up snapping and smashing his phone. I feel responsible because I failed to teach him any better way to manage his frustrations and upset. I seem incapable of making anything stick. I'm defeated and resigned to being remembered as the source of his horrible childhood. Missed meditation for the 1st time but who am I kidding? Only bright spot of the day was a drive past Calaveras Reservoir w/Jen, Lauren and Scottie. PM run to Mt. Umunhum before dropping at Pano was filled with snark and rudeness, even when it was done 100% for him. Pointless.

Gratitude: Lauren's positive efforts.


Goal: Stop trying to control.

It's been quite a long day. Spent the 1st half pretty much house-bound as expected during this time. Jen & Lauren made wonderful Keto waffles. I lounged and listened to "Me". Tommy had Colin Mantle over and Jen/I/Lauren went hiking off Skyline Blvd at Upper Stevens Creek park. Tommy's phone screen wasn't working and I found a creative workaround to getting past the passcode (wipe via iCloud, use "Reachability" to get around 'dead' section of the screen, restored apps. Stumbled across his having a 'gore' account on Instagram which I am very upset about. Not sure what's to come next but this is not ok and it's critical IMHO that he learn to put only positive out into the world.

Gratitude: Good weather and a chance to experience some nature.

Goal: Calmly discussion and decide on next-steps with Tommy.

Anticipation: Completing "Me" tomorrow.

Read/Listened to "Me"

Accomplishments: Meditation Hiking Mindfulness Parenting

Missed running again. In part due to late rising and in part to the realization that I needed to get some action items in flight in advance of a morning meeting. I've stalled on my weight loss and a run would likely help, so i'll press on tomorrow. Meanwhile I was pretty much heads down from 8.30am-12.30pm before surfacing for a break. Kids were dropped at 6. They wanted in/out and that worked for me. Tommy spent time riding with friends and took a bad spill but nothing too serious, just scrapes. It happens. Jen/Lauren worked on a puzzle. I continued listening to "Me" and paused occasionally to lookup and/or listen to albums/songs being discussed.


Gratitude: Kids seem happy to be here.


Goal: Get some nature walking in tomorrow.


Read /Listened to "Me".


Accomplishments: Meditation Parenting Cleanup

Woke to having missed a call and engagement around a redis queue issue that stalled site interaction for 3hrs. Shit. Reboot fixed it. Sent updates and went into RWC to get camera. Had a decent day. Got very excited about the prospect of going to Allegretto but in PM, realized/decided w/Jen that it's not the right time. A fine for traveling would suck as would taking any risk that migrates to kids. Frustrating. We got out/about for awhile in PM, running some grocery errands. Felt good. Avoided TV for a chance. Nice to have some more relaxing time.


Gratitude: Health


Goal: Stick with diet… stalled a bit. Cutting booze and portion controlling.


Anticipation: Seeing kids tomorrow


Listened to "Me", Elton John Autobiography


Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Cleanup

Late sleep = no run. Wanted to do later in the am but got sidelined. Irritable mood all day. Feel trapped, in a rut, and unable to take action on more important things than the shit that consumes a day, but those actions are important too. Just feeling disconnected. Idle. Restless. Need change.

Sleep rated ~7 out of 10, better than it has been. Workday was even paced. Bought and ran groceries to my mom over lunch. Empanadas dinner w/Jen, watched some Better Call Saul. Virtual GNO w/geeks was a welcome visit and it was good to see my friends.


Gratitude: Having friends that watch out for me.


Goal: Increase focus and time in meditation.


Anticipation: Continuing running.


Watched Better Call Saul, Listened to Apropos of Nothing.


Accomplishments: Meditation Running/Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Crappy restless sleep, again. Didn't run, too groggy. Work was ok. Stayed in all day. Listened to Apropos of Nothing w/Jen. Heard from Zach that we can move month-month at Matson, really good news. Watched "Husbands and Wives" with Jen. Worked on Plex server naming conventions and fixes.

Gratitude: Jen's laughter

Goal: sleep

Anticipation: GNO

Read/Listened to Apropos of Nothing

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting

Worked w/Jen to make breakfast empanadas. Delicious. Listened to Woody Allen Bio together. Then took Lauren to LG, walked about, got some lunch for her and Tommy, returned to Matson. Jen watched and liked "Manhattan". Allowed Vijktoria to come visit while I did yard work. Only intended to trim hedge but ended up removing all the vines between us and Sonja's house. Dropped kids, did Zoom w/Big Dogs, watch a Woody documentary.

Gratitude: Balance

Goal: Productive work day and a one-block run to kick off the week.

Read/Listened to Apropos of Nothing.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Daily meditation was about patience. How timely give that patience was stretched thin yesterday evening. Thing gradually stabilized today but Tommy's been more challenging and snarky than usual. Not sure if he's adopting a protective layer, becoming complacent or habituated from 5 days at Pano. I took on the solo chore of working to fully sweep and clean the patio and it looks great. Listened to Woody Bio while doing so.Jen made Empanadas. Hope to mow and trim tomorrow. Drove w/the kids and Jen and Scottie to Hwy 9 but could find no hiking options that were open and allowed dogs. Bad call taking the dog. Need to learn from experience and not repeat it. Ended up at Campbell, back to Matson, I grilled chicken and veggies and we all ate dinner together. Walked the dog and watched Contagion with Jen and Lauren. 

Gratitude: Grace periods

Goal: Mow, Trim, and Chill.

Anticipation: Virtual big-dogs gathering tomorrow pm.

Watched Blue Jasmine (last night), Contagion (tonight), Read/Listened to Apropos of Nothing.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Morning run was better, but about half way around, pulled a muscle in back of left thigh. Kept running and made it, but found it painful throughout the day/night. Work was ok, but got irritated in a meeting when eng team was being called out as a blocker. So fucking sick of that shit. Tired of defending our work. Small attendance at team lunch and it was fun but remainder of day was more frustration. Then I went to get kids and in hindsight I should have had them dropped. I was trying to be considerate. It blew apart and so did I. Remainder of the day was just miserable. Taking some time to just zone and watch a Woody Allen movie. Don't know what to expect for the weekend, I'm in no mood to do anything right now. Time will tell. Taking a break from running until Monday.


Listened to Apropos of Nothing.


Accomplishments: Meditation Running

Then Tore Right Through It

I lost it tonight, big time, with my son and ex-wife, when he was refusing to come with me when it was my time to take him.

He was refusing, he had other things he wanted to do, while she was insisting he had to leave. It’s a complicated scenario, significantly and dramatically exacerbated by my having started dinner and wanting to return with them in a timely manner.

He wanted to stay in the area, I said I’d return him after dinner, but he still refused to get in the car so we could go. And she insisted he did in parallel via text. And he would not. And I was stuck I the middle of this mess. I told him initially that it was ok with me if it were ok with her, but without that approval, I was trapped. And I hate being trapped between their obstinance.

I got really mad at him. Told him to get in the god damned car. Shouted it. Then she said I should not do that, which only played into the drama and the trigged sense of never having any control there, ever. He would not listen to me, called her names, argued and made the whole situation an explosive one.

She didn’t even consider my repeated assertions that I had food cooking and needed to go, insisting instead that I wait and coax him gently into going when my efforts to do so had already failed. It ruined my night, his night, and I ripped into her for her nagging insistence that she dictate how I should speak or handle things, when I was doing my best with the situation at hand.

It was a disaster, and totally unnecessary. In hindsight I wish I’d stayed calm. But she would not shut up. She never shuts up. She never considered she’s wrong or should not insert herself, and presents things in hugely judgmental fashion. I ended up telling her to STFU, swearing and losing my cool.

I hate these situations. I hate thinking that even with all my best intentions and desires and sincerely wanting a good and healthy environment for them and even for her, I’m likely to be the bad guy because I reached a point of intolerance.

Will my kids look back on me as ‘dad had anger issues’ or will they look back at me and say ‘dad couldn’t stand dealing with the dynamics between mom and her son.

Who knows. I’m always second guessing and always feeling like I’m in the wrong, because there’s always something I wish I’d managed better in the moment.

When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
- Pet Shop Boys

Without Reference To Anything

I had finished reading "Ishmael" (again) last week and them started looking at some of the recent releases available through the library. A book cover stood out amongst the grid of book covers in a visual grid. It was iconic and immediately recognizable, at least subconsciously. Black background. White typeface. The "Windsor" font, to be exact. Appearing much like nearly every title card in the author's vast catalog of films, many of which are personal favorites. A writer and director who's work has played a significant role in my own appreciation of movies, the simple title "Apropos of Nothing" stood below the author's name. Woody Allen.



I did an internal double-take, checking the release date and searching to confirm it was indeed HIS autobiography, because until the moment of having stumbled across it, much like most of his movies from the past decade, I knew nothing of it's impending release beforehand. Seemingly, by design. As I searched the internet for further details, it turns out the original publisher had backed out and abandoned it's release due to a backlash of disapproval from both within and external to their publishing company.



Yes, I find it a somewhat unsettling that he had a relationship with his girlfriend's adopted daughter  and that there is a 35yr difference between them. It's a notch above the typical age-difference between older male stars and their younger 'trophy' wives (Seinfeld, Stallone, Kelsey Grammar, Eastwood, Larry King, Baldwin, Shatner, and more, to mention Sinatra and Mia Farrow )  of the nature of the relationship. I've not studied this in substantial detail, but my understanding is that the accusations, all of them, were thrown out in numerous investigations, and the nature of their origin and timelines, and even Mia's actions and timelines, are all highly suspect. And in the end, as he presents it, the nature of their relationship was one that came about after she was over 20, out of Mia's home, and in a manner independent of the relationship that was already problematic.



Denials, investigative acquittals  and lack of evidence don't suffice in as highly sensitive and judgmental a society such as ours currently is. We don't "know" at all that the accusations are true, but we do know that multiple investigations showed them to not appear to have any substantial basis (investigative and psychological). Yet, the man remains aggressively despised, and since that moment his work and writing has found a fractured and fragmented audience.



This makes we really wonder about how perceptions and judgements are not necessarily reality. I like to believe that everybody, with limited and very isolated exceptions, is basically a good person, doing what they think is right or fair or just or reasonable. I can related. I'm sure in the views of my ex wife, her family and friends, I'm a horrible person, but in the views of my close relationship and friends, they know I'm not.



I'm going out on a limb, posting this "publicly" when there's been so much negativity built up just around the mention of his name. Just read comment on online reviews, people are so convinced without what I consider just cause, beyond presumption and relatively but likely hypocritical moral outrage.



I listened to and greatly enjoyed his autobiography. Especially given that the audiobook is him telling the story in a manner that feels like a casual monologue over coffee, and not the literal reading of words off a printed page. I highly recommend it to both fans, and those who've made presumptions of his guilt or character without giving him the consideration of hearing his own side of the story.

Didn't sleep as well as I'd hoped. May try some other approaches tonight, like some tea. Ran the block again, in different shoes and on the pavement, and had a harder time than yeterday. Could be for any number of reasons, but either way I made it and will do so again tomorrow. It's wild to realize how sedentary I've become… I used to run 5 miles several times a week, after work, and loved doing so. Working back into this at any level is a challenge. Work was good, ran and got green posterboard for a green screen effect and it worked out great. Even showed myself in Randy's home office which was hilarious. Grabbed some groceries at lunch just so I don't have to mess with the Fri/Sat/Sun crowds, it's so much easier. Got food for the kids being with us tomorrow, very glad to have this schedule, it's so much easier to manage working.

Gratitude: The schedule

Goal: Wrap up some open items for work

Anticipation: Doing "lunch" in zoom from the patio if all goes well

Watched Better Call Saul, Listened to Apropos of Nothing

Accomplishments: Meditation Running Mindfulness

Did it. Got up, got out, ran. Did NOT get up as early as I'd intended but still made the effort and saw it through. It felt great, it was just one small block, about 1/3 of a mile, but it was a start. And it brought back memories, too. However I'm a bit pensive about this plan because as soon as I started running I could feel the tingling sensations in my arms. The disc herniations, those likely to make my life incredibly constrained if/when a surgical need comes about, don't care much for impact. So, a quandary is at hand. Tomorrow I'll run again, and see how it goes. I want to see this through in it's simplest of forms. It might require rethinking, relocating to a track, or perhaps substituting biking as a fallback. We'll see. I want to do this, but I don't want to look back in 6 months and realize I put my long-term well being at risk, either. Work was productive, but man it's getting old being in the house 24x7. Jen/I took Scottie to local park to run free and he enjoyed it, but it's nerve wracking when he seems to be running away and not responding to us, so places without traffic are more appealing. We did a facetime Happy Hour with Jon and Cheryl and it was fun, with minor hiccups, and although I strongly prefer being in person, it's got potential. I'm thinking about setting up the living room and MediaMac w/Zoom and a webcam in anticipation of future uses, but screen sharing on the iPad might be sufficient, provided I can position the ipad well. I'll test it out. Dog got washed, Jen watched a few Better Call Saul's and I, having finished Ishmael last night, gleefully stumbled across "Apropos of Nothing", the just released Woody Allen Autobiography. Just into chapter one and enjoying immensely. I've neglected some of his latest films but I've been a fan for decades of a wide range of his work. Hearing about the music and movies he was exposed to as a child is a delight to a fan of cinema. Eager to continue listening.

Gratitude: Stumbling across a book I'm certain to enjoy

Goal: Run again tomorrow, same distance, perhaps with the cross-training shoes that might absorb more impact.

Watched some Better Call Saul, Listened to Apropos of Nothing.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Shitty sleep last night. Awful. Dog issues, restlessness, etc. Really reaching the point of being a serious issue. Going to try and revisit and practice more focused routines at the end of the day, including tech-off, reading or meditation, maybe tea. Work was OK but another day of whacking moles. Realized I had running shoes available through a pair I bought Tommy and he didn't want, tried them on, did a modest job and wore them all day. I think they'll work well for my plan to start doing some am and/or pm running. Just local, around the block, nothing significant beyond maybe working up to 1 mile a day. No dog, either, and likely no airpods or watch or devices for music. In my running days I never did that, and I want the freedom, the mental space, and the opportunity to not be distracted by anything other than just running and being in the moment as I did before. I don't care how fast or what measure of distance, really, just working up to 3 laps around the block is enough, it's a bit over 1 mile. Fuck the data, fuck running songs, fuck speed. I just want the simple exercise and that's all. Same as it was in the late 80's. Erin came to see her mom while in town, which I think Jen really needed. I stayed clear for many reasons not worth exploring here, but I'm glad she came. It made me wonder how my own kids will fare in the years to come. So many unknowns, so many desires for their happiness and opportunities, for them to have successful paths within reach, yet knowing too that in some instances they'll potentially have other plans. Parenting is hard and I now know the origin of the "... lead a horse to water..." saying. Either way I'll stay optimistic and realistic.

Goal: short AM solo jog.

Anticipation: Trying some delta approaches for insomnia

Read/Listened to Ishmael.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

Simple basic day…. Got up, worked, grocery run at lunch, more work. Made frittata and roasted vegtables w/Jen. Tommy was allowed to take the board back to Pano, hoping it lasts this time. Watched Peter Gabriel's 2 concert films from Italy 2018 while working in the afternoon, watched "Ad Astra" in the evening. It was good, well made and I liked the style, narative and subtext about searching for "life" while missing out on what's present already.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

Scottie woke me around 7am, much to my disappointment, as I'd have preferred to sleep in. But at the same time the idea of some solo time walking him was appealing so I got up, grabbed coffee and headed out. This was one of those 'meandering' walks, without any timeline and without pressure, he lingered and sniffed about to his hearts content. It was a pleasant way to start a low key Sunday. Kids slept in, Jen did too, and I whipped up a chorizo burrito for Tommy. Jen took off to see Valerie and Cynthia, taking the CRV and leaving me the C300. Kids and I drove too and hiked at a park by Callero Reservoir. We then cruised through Saratoga, past Mt Winery, past Garrod, through Stevens Creek reservoir and back to Matson, stopping in LG en route so Tommy could pickup a burrito from Andale. Lauren and I watched "Ugly Dolls" on Hulu which was just awful, mostly, with a couple of momentary sweet moments but nothing redeeming. Yet, she liked it, and this is what a good dad does. :-). Dropped them at their mom's at 6pm. Hoped things would go well, encouraged positive attitudes, but based on an email that came through later from their mom, Tommy was rude and disrespectful and etc. Sigh. Draining, concerning, frustrating, understandable, and more. Jen returned around 7.

Gratitude: Kids wanting my health makes me want to give it to them.

Goal: Keep on track w/heathy eating and habits.

Anticipation: Sleep. Please, please please… deep solid sleep.

Watched "The Invisible Man" (2019)

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Slept in a bit, but hard night's sleep. Stomach issues, enough to make me feel like the time has come for some aggressive immediate action. Kept food consumption to a minimum and selections to proteins, predominantly. Tommy delayed coming over/being picked up which resulted in an annoying back/forth w/his mom about pickup and communications. It's endless but I am not getting pulled into something just to prove I'm being incorrectly judged. Road trip to Phils for take-out (never seen it so empty), ate at the  nearby Moss Landing Community Park, continued to Bixby Bridge and beyond. Great time, great drive. Wonderful having fresh air and seeing others out and about doing their own 'socially distant nature outings'. Returned, stopped at In n Out on the way, and settled in for the evening with a simple chicken and kale salad.

Gratitude: Living near the coast. So much to see.

Goal: Stick to healthy eating, get better sleep.

Anticipation: Taking the kids out again tomorrow, maybe Mt Hamilton, maybe Callero. TBD.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Bleach Front Property

I made the mistake of going shopping this evening and I am SOFAKING annoyed right now. I needed, amongst other things, a gallon of simple basic bleach, not because I'm somehow convinced I have to have a years supply for daily cleansing of my home during a post-apocalyptic mass sweeping death wave, but because I used the last of the bottle I've had for about a year doing… yeah, laundry. God dammit! Laundry!



It turns out bleach is on a list, a long list, of things that kill corona virus. I get that, and ok, maybe cleaning products are in high demand, but, not only is it all gone from the shelves, but it is on a "1 per family" mandate in the store, theoretically intended to reduce hoarding. Yet it's ALL gone. That means a shitload of asinine paranoid selfish fuckwads descended on and depleted the stores inventory in short order. I don't believe for a second that even 70% of the purchases were by people that did not have cleaning products or bleach already available at home. I suspect it's about stocking up, not immediate need. Not that there is not pallets more awaiting transport in multiple warehouses spread throughout the county, state and then country. Or that somehow, the last person with the unwritten knowledge on how bleach is produced suddenly died without transcribing the process and leaving us prone to yellow'd whites. It's just pure unadulterated selfish insanity. And greed. And lack of consideration.




I hate having to live in and accept that our society is this prone to such short sighted ignorance. But then again look who's in office.




I found they'd resupplied a product the kids eat regularly, Amy's Burrito Bowls. There was a shelf full. I took two. 2. I left the rest, resisting the fleeting urge to grab multiple more and 'stocking up' the freeze in case they ran out because, uh…. they're not going to. Other people should be able to buy this too. The manufacturing and supply are not the issues. The people feeling that preparing for the end of the world is the problem, all of the evidence to the contrary.

Relatively routine morning. Kids were supposed to come at 10am but Tommy wanted to delay and that was OK with me, I was knee deep in work. I used my lunch break to get stuff my mom needed and drop it off. Saw Lindsey briefly too. Was going to get kids at 1pm but Tommy wanted to delay further and that was OK with me. Lauren stayed at Pano too. I got her at 6pm but he wanted to stay which, again, was fine by me. He seems to be wanting to hang out w/Mr Jafari and their kids. I think he enjoys feeling like 'an adult'. Lauren came back w/me. Empanadas for dinner (she ate two!). Walked the dog. Watched "Get Out" together (enjoyed it). Jen/She played Rumikub while I cleaned up. I'm thinking it's likely best during 'shelter in place' to let them stay at Pano weekdays including Friday, while I'm working.

Goal: Lose some fucking weight. Am I still whining about it and doing nothing? Yeah. WTF? Time to get back in focus. Targeting an aggressive effort this week and a drop-dead full-court press starting Sunday 6pm.

Anticipation: Coastal road trip tomorrow. Sunshine, fresh air, Philz.

Watched "Get Out". Listened to "Ishmael"

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Worked out of RWC for the AM, enjoyed getting out for a bit. Snagged Empanada's from "Cocina Milonga in South SF. Yum! Otherwise relatively low-key day. Considering how often each day is filled with some event to manage, it's nice. Linda emailed about post-sewage actions (cleaning, avoiding future clogs due to bush roots) and I pretty much said that beyond aggressive cleanup and mitigation w/bush removal, the house sale is gonna happen before further steps are warranted.

Gratitude: Maintaining employment for now. Hoping it lasts.


Goal: Focus on post-solo move critical needs w/team tomorrow.


Anticipation: Kids tomorrow through Sunday.


Watched "Contagion".


Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness

Managed to get up and going for the day, which was good. I still need to be better about maintaining a routine including more than wearing PJs o shorts. It does make a difference. Work day was decent. It was fun to show the virtual background pics from around the office in a meeting. I'll do so tomorrow but likely will be in RWC anyway for monthly review at 11am. Jen's been in a funk. Tried to help but no success. Trying instead to do what she does w/me which is leave me alone. Got tense for awhile. Not something common so not making it a big deal but it does hit on some triggers. As does getting texts tonight from Linda about toilets overflowing at Pano and subsequently Tommy calling saying she's screaming and freaking him out over it. Yeah, it's gross and if you can't manage a snake or a bladder solution to fix it as I did, routinely and successfully every time I had to manage it, calling a plumber is your next option and just what she's doing. I made it clear I'm not agreeing to anything other than auger or snake based mail clearing so the blockages subside. Whatever else might be needed, if needed at all, are not emergencies and can be considered after the overflowing issue is resolved. This sucks and I would be bothered and grossed out too but I'd be more proactive, I think, in both prevention and reaction and finding ways to manage it via google searches and YouTube videos and such. SO much info out there. No need to call me into this.

Gratitude: Meditation track record. Small efforts make increasing improvements over time.

Goal: Maintain composure if (when) she tries to suck me into the drama at Pano. I fucking wanna sell the place and be done, already.

Anticipation: RWC time tomorrow.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

Managing to maintain a reasonable routine during the SIP period by getting up early and not just sleeping in. Takes a bit of effort but affords me time to meditate, walk the dog, and not scramble into position for the work day. Made Tommy a Breakfast Croissant, later whipped up some excellent chicken salad, too. Lauren and I ran Scottie to the Meridian dog-park to go walking and he just kept wanting to retreat to the car. Got irritate as fuck at them about 'door slamming' and the tensions of the past weeks arose. Subsided but still, got pissed at them while driving Tommy to drop a thumb drive at his friends. Apologized later. Tommy had his own issues revolving around the boosted board and his mom. Rode it out. Tried to give him ideas. Drove them to Mount Umunhum before grabbing food at Whole Foods and dropping them at their mom's. The skies have been so clear. Enjoyed a Martin Ranch 2013 Nebbiolo and a bit of Maker's Mark while watching a movie called "Wallflower". Last min realization that I flaked on virtual GNO which sucks, but hopefully it'll be an ongoing thing on Tuesday PM's.

Gratitude: Kids that trust me enough to talk to me honestly.

Anticipation: Steaks and the rest of that Nebbiolo for dinner tomorrow.

Watched "Wallflower".

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Kids with us all day, took to RWC office to help manage the cable sorting and some of the HW breakdown needs. Got a lot done. In n Out lunch. Returned home and crashed due to exhaustion around 4.30. Short nap than focused on tackling some backlog'd tasks. Frisbee with Lauren, then drive around looking for masks (no luck). Grabbed some stuff from Smart 'n Final too. Tommy made Pot Stickers, Jen made amazing lentil soup w/India seasonings.

Gratitude: Time with kids and knowing we have the weekends carved out.

Goal: Continue clearing out backlog'd tasks.

Anticipation: Sleep :-)

Watched "Girl Most Likely" with Kristen Wiig. Liked "Skeleton Twins" more but she's a good actress all the same.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Set out to spend the day reading and/or writing. When we returned, I realized it was a critical time to clean the gutters before rains kicked in, so I put about an hour into that. Then, it turned out that, at the last minute, after seemingly being called out by Tommy about my efforts to arrange to have the kids, which she apparently lied about, Linda responded to the attempts mid-day. Who knows what happened. But regardless, we're moving to the 4/3 rotation after this week [spring break]. I think it's going to work well, and be much easier to balance work and quality time with them. Kids came over, I got them Polo Loco for dinner, Lauren and I played frisbee, the sunset was spectacular (Very "Vanilla Sky").

Gratitude: Appreciation for the subtle moments.

Anticipation: Using office pics as visual wallpaper in meetings tomorrow.

Watched part of Synecdoche, New York, again. It is such a masterpiece.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting

My week in music

Slept late. Martin Ranch pickup (drive by), then up to RWC where the HW from CenturyLink was stacked up after clearing out of the space. One more milestone checked off. Took photos around the office for Zoom use. Returned and attended to general tasks. Nothing noteworthy. Still waiting for any response from Linda regarding her request to move to 4/3 rotation and my response regarding workdays/non work days.


Gratitude: Feeling 'connected' to nature.


Anticipation: Seeing kids tomorrow..... maybe?


Finished "Reckless" last night. Now working through "Skeptics Guide to Health, Medicine and the Media"


Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness

Rice ≠ good for sleep. Up around 3pm. In/Out of sleep. Ran to GOBM and got all my mom's needs before 8.30am. Dropped kids at 10, Tommy was great about not taking his boosted board. Really really great. Still, his approach to things related to Pano is high conflict but then I know what that's like and I am torn about the balance needed to maintain harmony. Post colo-move activities continued into the day. 1st Virtual Lunch was fun, but low attendance. Hoping word will spread, as it's really nice to spend time getting to know folks we've otherwise been remotely connected to. Tommy and his mom had some issues and he wanted to come stay but I said no. We need to stick to the plans and I prefer he work out issues not use me as escape pod. Rest of PM was low key. Hoping for a solid sleep.

Gratitude: Health, at least as it is.

Goal: Be healthier and wash hands more.

Anticipation: Wine pickup outing 'n RWC office HW storage.

Listened to "Reckless"

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Woke up and found there'd been a flurry of site issues over night. RO, EL and DPD had all been engaged and working to resolve them. Fucking awesome guys. And the efforts continued well into the day. All said and done, the few issues were mitigated and we're moving forward and hopefully without overnight issues returning. Fingers tightly crossed. Talked to HR about options to manage a specific need and followed through on a communication documentation to hopefully incentivize some resolution but I'm sadly not hopeful and even more sadly, sort of prepping for the worst. I have to address the needs of the many, not the one. Linda still pressing on 4/3, so I pressed back as to necessity but also said I'd agree if I got weekends since weekdays are consumed with work. That would be fair. Hoping it's agreed to. Kids are not as 'at home' here when we're both WFH and they're just 'fermenting' in their rooms. It sucks. Took kids out for PM to just get some fresh air. Roads are so empty. Drove to Santa Cruz, down to Watsonville, over 152 to Gilroy, and back up past Uvas. Grabbed some Pollo Loco and had a late dinner. Extremely long week. Ready to collapse. Think I'll go do just that.

Gratitude: The commitment of the team I have almost overshadows my desires that they all find more secure positions elsewhere.

Goal: Finish "Reckless", mow lawns, coordinate shipment of IAD.

Listened to "Reckless"

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

"blogging for the time stamps" - a passing statement made by DPD in a slack thread.... yet it strikes a chord of insight as to what this site has become, for me.

Wow… truly non-stop day. All-hands meeting, colo-move update, then the team worked though the day and into the evening as we managed one segment after another of the move, with a few hiccups and things to manage but nothing show-stopping or warranting reverting. Amazing effort, actually. Really enjoyed it. Sans RW who's clearly not doing well, and that's both infuriating and sad… but I'm ready to cut the loss. It might be the only option left. Jen helped Lauren color her hair pink - just the back underside, and it's super fun. I was so consumed with the day that my one break was interrupted with trying to find her more dye from 3 different places and I was furious about it but only briefly. The anger was about feeling trapped by being asked 1st to run to nearby shop to by another box, then being told after agreeing that she might have bought the last box but there's lots of drug stores around, implying I could find it easily. I could not, and my only break after a true 10hr straight session was spent on a chase that ended between 3rd - 4th stop with a call that they made what they had work after all. I felt and feel that was completely inconsiderate but I also didn't;t want her to not complete the effort that was already in progress. I came home angry but quickly regained composure, thanks to them and the efforts to not take this shit so seriously. It's easy to get trigged, though, when I'm already worn down and exhausted. Ended the day with a feeling of success in our work effort and made a point to squeeze in some 1:1 w/Tommy, even if it was just YouTube Volleyball

Gratitude: Successful work day

Goal: Pursue critical time-related blockers and needs

Read/Listened to Reckless

Accomplishments: Meditation Parenting Cleanup