Morning Mindset: Content contending with confidence concerning current conditions.
Goals: Refine and reduce distractions in preparation for slightly shifting focus and intentions.
Anticipation: Casual gathering of friends celebrating the new year as an excuse to simply gather with friends.
Wants: Focused zoomed in attention on some occasions, wide angle perspectives in others.

Highlights:  SiriusXM has weekly AT40 replays for that specific weekend in history … today's was the top 100 recap of 1977. I think it cemented that year as a favorite for me. Such good memories. I took my mom at her request to pickup a pair of bonded older cats at the humane society in Milpitas only to learn while arranging to take them that they had to be indoor/outdoor due to a history of urinating in the house. That was a deal breaker. Now she knows to ask and at least she didn't find that out at home. It was seemingly a waste of my time to have spent on this errand while I also recognized and Jen validated too that it's time I won't have to spend with her at some point in the future. Jen and I moved the table back to the patio and she cleaned up the house and worked on our Jan meal plan. The evening was low key and I worked on and practiced an outline for a family project on the horizon. Nothing else substantial, although I did also take a chunk of time to scroll through 2023 in photos and it was a really valuable use of time as well. It's been a wonderful year filled with all sorts of moments and milestones.

Morning Mindset: curiosity and subtle joy. I'm exploring a new path this morning. Of routine and process as well as physical. After months of effort and time being put into creating a backyard environment conducive to my interest in morning meditation walks, I have taken my first. Barefoot to begin with. And the feeling was joyous. It felt connecting and awakening to slowly step across the moist soil and granite slates and duck slightly beneath the rain-dripping branches of the trees I pass below. I'm also giving myself morning sunlight, which helps one's system replenish Dopamine. It's also a good way for me to spot Lucky's scattered droppings.
Goals: there are a number of tasks I'll likely spend time on today related to housekeeping and maintenance, but my predominant goal is to reflect on the year behind in the year ahead,
Anticipation: taking my mom today to pick up two older cats from the Humane Society that she is adopting. I'm very glad this has come about. I think having pets, the routines that come with them and the affection they return are critical components of her mental well-being and longevity.
Wants: I want to find a good tool that will allow me to dictate my thoughts more easily and accurately. There are so many out there, and at this point, I haven't found one that doesn't need as much time correcting and refining the output as it takes to simply use the built-in iOS speech-to-text capabilities that I've already by strode. Lanyard. Massacred. Bastard. Mastered. Yes, "mastered". Mostly.

Highlights: early wake and drive to Jikoji. Was tempered to stay in bed but glad I pressed past that. It was a good morning, a LONG meeting and I was reminded of corporate culture at some points. I walked away with some action items I addressed later in the day and evening. The highlight was Michael promoting that he or others would be open to being teachers and mentors if u choose to purse "robes" and a role in the Sangha. What a compliment. It's something I've thought about but not to the point of having an organic drive to pursue. I'm not sure why. It's and ideal path to my end desires in regards to mindfulness and impermanence as a way of living more fully. And a path to be a force and influence for that same "evolution" in humanity. I don't know what it entails and I would like to learn more before making a decision in either direction. I enjoyed the afternoon and evening. Jen's prime rib redux was an improvement and the red blend from Spain paired nicely. The coffee was good but a few further tweaks were made on the (hopefully) final pass and (hopeful) bullseye pour tomorrow am.
Gratitude: My kids. They are both so special to me and we've had our challenges in the past twenty years but I'm so thankful for them and the character they possess.

Sigh. Bye.

Where to start? I didn't 'start' the day with the AM mindset but, shhhhh…, it happens. Coffee was good, again. Threw another roast on the fire, so to speak, to continue making hopefully more optimal refinements. I double the weight and added 2 min to the wait. A bit more, a bit longer. It looks 'right' in comparison to the prior day's. I'll know more in the morning. The day was pretty full from the start with the majority of time being spent managing a slew of back-and-forth Q&A sessions around Lauren's Mini from a prospective buyer. They came down from Alameda after feeling confident enough to anticipate taking it, they got a positive diagnosis done at a local service place, and much to my emotional dismay, "Penelope" now belongs to another owner. I'm sure she'll change the name. I'm glad for some reasons and sad for others. As I told Lauren, life is about transitions and changes. I mentally thanked the car on my final drive with her today for all of the wonderful memories over the past 22 months. Lauren's buying her, mountain drives, they routine pickups from Yogurtland listening to Tears for Fears, and of course the 50 mph crawl back from Tahoe to Folsom with the flashers on and a flat tire. It was a good run. It was a great time. It was an epic moment in the past few years of a span of epic moments shared with a daughter I adore who, in time, will likely reflect back on those same moments with the same level of raw awareness I have today as to the value and beauty we might otherwise overlook. I also went to "The Forum" with Frank today to meet with Rich, a resident and former counseling college dean about our plans for a "Mental Fitness" talk. It went quite well, better than I hoped, and I felt more at ease and confident about my role in this, too. Like, I might actually know what I'm doing. I do, I know I do, yet it's still a bit nerve rattling to talk to groups. I hear that's not unusual. I'll get over it, I'm already starting to. It was interesting to be asked by Rich about Linda's passing and its impact on me. I paused, reflected and answered that I was filled with gratitude for her as perhaps the most significant teacher in my life time, because it gave me a chance to really focus and funnel a lifetime inclination into what feels like a positive direction. As I mentioned at GNO tonight to a forum of good friends, I want to channel my interests into something that just helps populate awareness in a positive manner. I may write more about this elsewhere soon. Oh and I had a good chat tonight with a friend from Jikoji who's facing his mom's impending passing away, looking for insight and guidance as to preparations and priorities. I'm honor to have been approached and it feels like yet-another-path clearing.

I consider today yet-another really good day. How simple is that? I might consider reviving a daily rating. I started out with that in 10/2018 on my journal entries, remember? The emoji's? I abandoned them because I couldn't 'do anything' with the data. Emoji's don't search on blogger. Curse you 1998! What I wanted (want) to eventually (never) implement would be charting, trends, filtering and such. Anyway all of those points make my point that I routinely expect what takes days to take hours. All the while I do get things done. Today for example – My coffee roasting pass proved successful, so another batch was ground and awaits the morning tasting. I'm more confident than optimistic which means optimism is overshadowed by reasonable certainty. I kept busy all day. I worked for a couple of hours total on Jikoji tasks, communicated and coordinated with a possible buyer for Lauren's Mini (man I will really miss that car), researching and feeling a lot better about talking to hte kids about some inner-circle stuff, make a few calls (great chat, Matt!), dropping packages off, picking groceries up, keeping the kitchen in order, dug into Dom's data file inquiries, and lots of other planned and unplanned activities. I'm routinely amazed at all the maintenance needs over production. It's like leading and engineering team was. "Was". Wow. Past tense. Yet, now, I'm past "tense" and don't miss the work life at all. I might need it but if I can just get past the fucking daily maintence work maybe I'll make a path into a modestly sustainabile while far more fulfilling existence. One can hope. I know I do.

Morning Mindset: focal points are converging. Ideas are forming. Ideals are shuffling into wining hands. Objectives are coming to agreements. I'm seeing a few less-traveled paths on the horizon that may lead to more challenging and rewarding places that those already traversed. I know the discomfort of the unknown, it's metaphorically like walking into an overgrown thicket of thorns amongst a howling wind accented by what sounds like the low rumbling guttural growls of hungry wolves poised to bounce at the first stumble. But there's something calling me forward. This will definitely take a lot of trust and releasing of fear.
Goals: continue knocking off low-hanging fruit on my necessity-tasks tree throughout the day and focus on some substantial outlining and planning for 2024.
Anticipation: The same sense of accomplishment I felt last night when only 47% of my initial intentions were addressed by days end, with the recognition that having done so was a success.
Wants: To maintain this sporadic sense of opportunity, potential and possibility with increasing consistency.

Highlights: I ran the gamut this morning from idealism and aspiration, to irritation and anger. Why? I was frustrated trying to stay focused right after setting a tone of appreciation for the engagement that comes from being needed. Yet it wasn't really Lucky's leash pulling or Jen's habit of routinely tying off a filled poop bag when Scottie typically performs an encore within a few minutes, OR even Lucky's backsplashed ass needing cleansing once home. I was struggling with a learning curve with coffee roasting after a few attempts to make sense of numerous cryptic and poorly edited posts and youTube videos. I just wanted a simple recipe and it's apparently not that simple. Different beans have different needs, different times throughout 1st and 2nd stages, the whole "first crack" thing I've yet to be able ot hear…. throw in acronyms and abbreviations I have no understanding of, and I was as out of my element as I am with my geek friends discussing video games, Necromancer, and weather Firefly or Serenity was the better of the two apparently related movies or TV shows or whatever the hell they were. I was 'cracking' quicker than the beans, looking at the frozen pack of stale flavorless Starbucks grounds still in our freezer as a far easier path. YET…, I was able to self soothe without rocking in the fetal position or drooling. Progress was made! (With both roasting and self soothing). I believe I have hit the 'sweet spot' with the roasting process. It's landing with strong floral/fruit/nut tones and as I elude to with a friend, an almost 'wooden' taste that lingers, reminiscent of chewing on a fudgsicle stick long after it had dissolved. it's our desired personal preference for a well balanced cup-o-joe that's not had all the subtle nuances overshadowed by the heartier dark side of the roast. Now I hope to achieve reproducibility. Along with that, Jen's heated coffee mug is working out and I'm excited about that, as she's a 'sipper' not a gulper. I started an email with neighbors to share and collected updated contact info which had always been useful to have when I lived her before. Tommy and I started a thread with David and Julia to coordinate a Utah visit in June. The leftovers from Christmas made for a pleasant day of foraging. I started working on updating my 'habits' logging app in anticipation of being in full swing next week but I'm not 'waiting' to start anything other than "Dry January" until then. That's right. "Dry" January. I'll be taking a break from pulling corks for a month alongside Jen as we do a bit of resetting and cleansing from the holiday "spirits". I got 85% of the fallen leaves blown and raked and gathered into the green waste bin and I'm hoping to squeeze the remaining in. That'll be 'it' for my fall yardwork demands for the rest of the year and into 2024. I'll conclude the day with some reading momentarily, after the routine pickup and setup for the day to come. I managed to make it through another one, with a few challenges yes, but strictly mental ones, nothing warranting a special license plate yet. Yet.

Morning Mindset: Working. Conscious trying to master my varied degrees of anxiety and anticipation of changes on the horizon. Significant ones lie ahead and how I approach and respond will make the difference in how I achieve and adapt to the outcomes. I can only influence with intention and actions. Releasing the idea that I have control is accepting outcomes and fate. These are lessons I've had going way back and most of the upset in my life whittles down to not being honest and genuine and taking responsibility for controlling the response of others. I've tried way to had to control way too much for way to long. Where this stems from is another story. For today and the next couple of weeks I anticipate a lot of thought going into working through the ingrained insecurities while adopting the simple state of calm that comes from accepting that trying to control the outcome of something by being anything other than sincere and ok with whatever comes is undermining my own health. I know that all a woven tapestry of obscurity but it's my morning mindset so I'll go with that and release any expectations from there.
Goals: Assorted tasks about the house and yard. Deepbow outline review. Maybe some dev work in preparation for 2024 goals and habits reboot.
Anticipation: the sense of progress that may come from progress on goals.
Wants: Fewer distractions and interruptions balanced with an appreciation for how those are opportunities to embrace a space of response ability with calm honor and pride.

Heavy Holiday Influence Winding down

Christmas morning 2023. Tommy was up at 4am taking Talon to the airport. Jen and I enjoyed the lazy morning, as did Lauren. Jen's French toast casserole, Bacon, Steak 'n Eggs all went down well and we opened gifts. All were well received including Lauren's graceful understanding of a delayed arrival and a deferred obligation. Lauren and I visited Linda's site at her request which was touching. We took lucky but left hm in the car since they're not allowed. After which we went to visit my mom. I was quite tired, even feeling a bit sick likely from the 'abuse' of going off script for so many days and eating sub-optimally. After a brief nap I suggested the option of Lauren returning early tomorrow AM but we went with the original plan and drove up to Sac around 4pm. Traffic was surprisingly smooth and steady. We walked and drove about the "Fab 40's" to check out the homes and lights. It was and always is a highlight. We dropped Lauren off and made it back home by 9.30. On the way home we talked about some strategies for 2024 goals and plans, about some potentially challenging situations on the horizon to manage, but mostly the opportunities and intentions on the road ahead. I think my plans are coming together well for taking some next steps. One of the gifts from Jen was a 1yr "MasterClass" subscription, which she thought would help me with my interests in writing, in wine, in music, in mindfulness. I'd never had bought this for myself, I'd just lean on podcasts and audiobooks, which makes it a more thoughtful gift. The gift of intention and focus behind the gesture is the heart of well meaning. I've 'saved' a slew but for the month ahead, writing will dominate my attention and I'll be starting one of many of the writing classes this week in preparation. It was nice to be warmly greeted by Tommy when we returned home. He's been "off his game" with a friend in town and seemed to be a bit aloof and understandably distracted. He's back to work tomorrow and Wednesday and then in Tahoe through NYE. I'm grateful to have had this day, to have this family, to have the experiences that led to this point, including things I might regret or resent. As I told Lauren earlier today, If I could go back there's as many things that I'd do the same again as there are that I'd do differently.

Highlights: Lauren arrived. Christmas Eve dinner was good. Ryan Lindsey Tommy Lauren Mom Valerie Talon Jen and I. Prime Rib was sadly overcooked but still delicious and we have a lot of leftovers sealed in the fridge for various future recipes. Played Veritelus with Lauren and Jen as our annual Jeri-inspired tradition. Gained some good insight on each of them and myself.

Morning Mindset: Mixed set of mixed baggage – slept poorly, festered in resentment over a slight disagreement with Jen over the seating options for Christmas Eve dinner. Proudly attempted to brush it off, apologize, explain, and it worked although she herself 'festered' for awhile too. Yet overnight these options and avenues unfolded during restless tossing and turning. Shadows of past incidents in past relationships surfaced and taunted me with recollections of being dismissed, discounted, disregard and just plain diss'd. My inner demons rallied to the war cry and kept me from getting the rest I needed while lobbying for the rights to retribution and redemption. My own anger stewed over my intentions and by the time I seemed to be at my deepest sleep the 6am alarm sounded. I got my curt sullen embittered ass out of bed, grunted brief replies and built a fostering resentment over the smallest perceptions of infractions of consideration and responsibility. To the point I suggested she go alone to get the meat ordered for tonight's dinner from Lunardis while I stayed with the dogs. At which point I started to recognized my choices were working against me. I don't fully understand the way my or all of our minds work but on occasion I can get lost in what feels like a rush of 'darkness' - anger or irritation or indignation, whatever the feeling, it builds and a sense of protection and defense crops up. Like being in some sort of inner/outer battle. I started to recognize this while the car was still warming and went to the door to go along but missed the chance. So I started working on some household prep tasks and when she returned, made a point of being back on the positive side. I even laughed off that the Prime Rib was $200 more than expected, recognizing that the overall value and likely 50% leftovers will be easily efficiently and economically 'sealable' for future sous vide reheating and dining. OMFG this is gonna be a stellar day. Lauren's heading down on Amtrak, Jen has things under way for dinner and I'm back on the right side of the mindfulness fence. Although a nap might be in order shortly.

Goals: Stay connected to all that's good and good fortune.
Anticipation: The aforementioned meal.
Wants: A good night's sleep.

Tradition

Highlights: An overall good day. Saw Jon & Cheryl briefly while dropping some goodies off including some freshly roasted coffee. Picked up and applied the $108 gift card I won at GOBM towards assorted items including a 3.5oz tri-tip that I sous-vide'd for dinner. It came out wonderful and paired well with a Cab and Jon's toffee for dessert. Worked on and completed the initial steps to expand coverage and notification options for Jikoji's GoogleVoice line.
Gratitude: all that I have that I to often and to easily take for granted. Love. Friends. Shelter. Safety. Family. More friends. Inspiration. Options. Even Gratitude itself is worth acknowledging as something to be thankful for, in a twisted Escher sorta way.

Morning Mindset: Diluted & polluted. Had a fantastic time with "the geeks" last night but as has been known to happen, the wine caught up to me later. Back pain too. I skipped the am trip to Jikoji but sat Zazen with the pain and fog and resolved to take a break and recover from it all. Pain is fascinating. It's a massive challenge to balance mind and body when one or both are off kilter.
Goals: exitidy and BiG tasks.
Anticipation: lunch with Marlin. Filoli with Mary and Dom.
Wants: a detox :-)

Morning Mindset: Positive. Late morning entry due to early morning dental appointment. If I slur my words here it's the Novocain in my mouth. Tommy picked up Talon last night and after a late hockey game they got in around 1am or so. All good. Tommy said he had a flat and asked to take the BMW but I said no. I told him he could call Lauren about the Mini but ultimately the solution wasn't to inconvenience us and leave the issue unresolved. He took it somewhere and returned, I suspect the same place by Leigh that I've gotten tires patched several times. But then he told Jen the car was 'dead' and asked for the BMW again. She said no. He drove the Tesla to a super charger. Slowly, he's starting to show more independence but it's still surprising to both of us when his 'go to' is to inconvenience us to delay his own inconvenience. Just weird to me. Oh, the BIG team's modified their membership structure and I think it makes sense to stay connected and get Exitidy fully launched before January so I have that in place when I start the mindfulness exercises engagement with Frank at The Forum.
Goals: Wash the dogs. Participate in a 12 PM Jikoji Bookkeeping Committee call with Katie and Miguel.
Anticipation: GNO Holiday Dinner @ Hero Ranch Kitchen.

It Only Happens When It Rains…

Highlights: Coffee was decent but not yet 'there'. I had a good appointment talking via LiveHealth with Karen J., who provided some good perspective on an upcoming and challenging conversation. Played "Rainy Day Vinyl" and enjoyed it immensely. Jen & I walked and delivered neighborhood gifts, then she went to dinner at Divine with girlfriends while I stayed hone, wrapped her gifts and watched 2 amazing NOVA episodes: One on Psychedelics and the other on Ice Age footprints in North America. I listened more than watched and really enjoyed both.

Morning Mindset: Calmly entering the final phase of the holiday ramp up. Talon arrives tonight and I am feeling confident about Tommy and his possible demeanor during this time. I think things are going very well, so I'm not too concerned. We have neighborhood gifts to distribute, I have gifts to wrap, a few outings throughout the rest of the week I/we are eagerly looking forward to.
Goals: Stay calm and carry on.
Anticipation: Rain all day, Vinyl all day!
Wants: Lower back pain to subside.

On a good note, the day was reasonably productive.. Waking was a challenge as sleeping was a challenge. Cause = effect = cause, it seems. On a slighty annoying note, my back has been bothering me all day. It has made. simple tasks like picking up a dropped piece of paper a challenge, Let alone working with Jen on the mulch or bathing the dogs, a no-go. I enjoyed the rainy day and having a chance to visit with Martin and talk java.. Yoshi and Yoshia brought by a very generous gift bag of very nice wine. It resulted in my having a long-sought opportunity to talk win with him. I intend on making time in Jan to share a glass and get to know more about his wine interests. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to engage and connect with others on so many topics.

Three Way Merge

Contrary to this title's implications, this post isn't about adopting a swinger's lifestyle. That'll remain unfulfilled unless we move into "The Villages" in Florida during our retirement years. The loofahs are already in the Amazon shopping cart. In the meantime, the only 3-way intersection I have to reference is merging three separate websites with three separate agendas into one. This one.

Morning Mindset: Groggy – preoccupied all night with ongoing creative ideas and thoughts stemming from a burst of energy and productivity. I hate not sleeping but I love recognizing a turning point. This felt familiar. I've had these moments before, where motivation meets momentum. I'm tired as hell but seeing this opportunity clearly and I'm going to keep the plate spinning, even if I have to let others wobble and potentially fall.
Goals: Tommy's friend arrives tomorrow night, so I want to prep the guest room. I intend to bathe the dogs and run to GOBM as well as attend to a Jikoi finance call. Gift bag distribution to the neighbors is also likely to happen.
Anticipation: Visiting Martin to pickup coffee beans. This morning's brew was a fail.
Wants: As mentioned above, to ride a burst of creative energy.

Yet another day's ending. #22,814, to be exact. But hey who's counting? Counting up, that's easy, counting down, not so much. That does raise that same question I pose routinely – if you had access to a countdown don't you imagine you'd go through each day more conscious of the simple pleasures, personal connections, moments of joy? Make perhaps more self fulfilling choices? Complete tasks you want to have done prior? God knows I have plenty of things I "could" lament, bemoan, decry, and stew on, but… why? What's it change? And what energy am I putting out? God also knows how many of my past actions and interactions have likely set negativity into action in ways I wish I could go back and revert, but that's not seemingly an option beyond how I apply that to the present. But then again I don't believe in "God" so what the hell am I talking about, anyway? Moving along… This morning's coffee was quite good but the prior day's was excellent. Each was uniquely its own complex flavor. I captured the details and outcome, then ran another batch of beans through the roasting process in an attempt to get closer to that sweet spot. I'll know more in the morning. I met Frank at the Purple Onion to review his initial agenda for the "mental fitness" seminar in January. He's got a clear idea (and 54 years of experience) of how to approach it, to the point I question my own role. Still, the opportunity is a good one for my interest in finding opportunities to facilitate the sort of insight that drove me to pursue the EOL training. Specifically the way facing mortality, even through mundane documentation and advanced preparation, serves a gateway to a richer existence between then and now. It was interesting to have a brief dialog with my mom tonight, one in which I passed along a message from my cousin about my mom's cousin Bob passing away. She made a comment about having issues with how he treated his brother in his youth. I argued her point and referenced all the variables that came to mind about how individual perceptions and intentions are vastly different across all sorts of environmental conditions. It seemed to have landed flat, but I felt compelled to point out what's becoming more obvious for me. I'm either onto something or just on something. ;-)
Accomplishments: It rained and will be for a few days. I cleaned gutters in advance and pulled in outdoor cushions to dry. I took care of a need to renew the Jikoji domain and found that the system it's in is charging for services not in use. I want to move them off and onto Google for domain hosting to consolidate but like so many other things, I want to do it carefully. I received and put up Tommy's closet light, and need to setup the guest room's tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest.
Gratitude: I'm grateful that Tommy's continuing to be more engaged and in dialogs with me. It feels healthy and genuine, as does my rapport with Lauren. It feels good to experience what resonates as a healthy transition. This road might get bumpy but I'm starting to have more faith that we won't go off the rails as long as we can manage to communicate well, in both directions.

Mindset: compassionately disappointed with choices made yesterday that negatively affected my sleep. I ate significantly "off plan" and had a massive headache and stomachache. This is where my constant obsession with weight comes into play. When I'm managing and maintaining a healthy weight I feel so much better, physically and mentally. When I creep up all sorts of issues surface. It makes me unhappy and unwell. I like feeling well, happy and comfortable.
Goals: likely do a day of cleansing via PSMF or other steps. TBD. But I want to realign and focus on wellness and eating right. Man I miss my 20's metabolism!
Anticipation: Meeting to discuss deepbow seminar at 1 with Frank.
Wants: To not feel bad saying no to distractions or temptations that take me away from instead of towards my greater goals.

My morning musings about the many daily choices were validated by the decision to walk with Jennifer to her childhood home on Edmond; It was so rewarding. It was a new experience in a familiar setting. I had spent much time in that neighborhood, first as a resident in the late 80s but far more so as a parent for nine years of our kids' youth. Alta Vista is filled with personal history, like the creek bridge where tadpoles were caught and bike rides were paused. It's also where the frogs stopped. It was good to see Mr Manny represent after his recent passing away. The morning coffee made with my light roasting effort was incredible, but it took a second brewing attempt and twice as much grounds as I anticipated. Ultimately, it was like being at Old Soul for a fresh brew, and we rejoiced. I roasted another set with a different approach and kept detailed notes, and that initial tasting was amazingly different. More balanced and less floral while still smooth and not at all bitter. I'm hitting the target routinely and learning each time. The bullseye will be a reproducible roast landing somewhere between these two. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's batch to see if it tastes the same. We had a full morning and enjoyed our time together throughout the day. We ran to Kirigin to pick up shipments and taste some wonderful wines, including a mulled wine made from their mocha dessert wine. Loved it. We ended the day by attending our neighborhood open house party hosted by the Schwarz family. Jen blended right in and had fun, and we stuck around after to clean up and hear Jon's amazing story about reconnecting with his biological parents in his 40s.

Mindset: Challenged by options and interests. I'm conscious once again of how little time I have to do all the things i would like to do. I have goals, aspirations, intentions and objectives. I also need to stay physically and mentally strong through movement and exercise I have a desire to learn and be inspired in all areas of interests from A to Z. Fostering friendships and family connections is equally important given my insight into influence and impermanence. Oh and there's gutters to clean and disposals to install, leaves to rake, wine to pickup and antique store closures to leverage. Where to start and what to continue to defer is the challenge. Knowing how fortunate I am to have all these options, interests, objectives and people that want to spend their valuable time with me as I do with them is a massively understated blessing.
Goals: Prioritize the day around the time Jen's free since she's working weekdays again.
Anticipation: Schwarz holiday party.
Wants: More hours in a day.

Suddenly, I'm doing weekend yard chores and listening to KRFC

Quite an active day. Very enjoyable. I went to my moms and worked with Lindsey to set out the Christmas decorations for sale, which quickly turned out to be a mis-calculation. No takers. So, reposted for free, set by the curb and they were gone in 2 hrs. Gotta love Craigslist. I sifted through my photography stuff and brought home books to donate and my Framesi poster and Brett Weston print. I'm thinking about putting them in Lauren's room. Marissa sent me a nice gift of soap and coffee. I ground half the coffee and shrinkwrapped the rest. I also roasted a set of my own after picking up the chamber stand from the Gene Cafe seller in Mt View. It's a fun hobby. I still have a lot to learn. I worked along side Jen to finish the mulch work. I loaded a 'fuck ton' of mulch into unused recycle and yard waste bins as well as a dozen storage bins. We have enough to cover the lawn completely again if needed. Hoping we'll find a home for it but in no rush. I noticed the garage door not closing again today, mid-day, and quickly deduced that it was sunlight related. I tested it by blocking the sun and verified the root cause. I love puzzles. I took photos of Lauren's mini and posted it on Craigslist to see what happens, as the best time to sell it (IMO) is before Christmas or in the spring. It's not a hurry either, so this is to test the waters. I emailed Jane and told her about my writing efforts and thanked her for being an inspiration. I had a great call/conversation with Lauren about some school and 'accommodations' related thoughts - I'm sharing my desires for her best life while allowing her to make her own decisions. Tommy was in a good mood today too, courtesy of Alpha-GPC, it seems. It's been a good day filled with the right balance of activity and awareness. 

Mindset: Calm cavalier confidence. I had such a weird dream. A friend was driving a large truck and helping me gather multiple objects along the curb of a residential street. He was driving a large white truck where the cab sits above the engine, and there's nothing in front of you than a wide and tall windshield. At the last minute, on impulse, I jumped in the truck passenger seat instead of staying on the street, even though I could have and had been walking along side. There was no door. He was facing me as I jumped in and pulled out into the street without looking, directly into the path of a massive semi speeding towards us, Everything slowed down. Dramatically. The thoughts that went through my head were calm. I felt aware of and sad about the shock and guilt he was feeling about his role in being responsible for both of our sudden demise. I intuitively knew it was an end and a transition all at once. His gasp was audible and his remorse was overwhelming as the grill of the semi filled the visible space of the window fracturing and fragmenting and splintering in dramatically slow motion. I was overwhelmed with empathy for the grief our family and friends would experience because of this. Yet I wasn't upset as much as I was disappointed with the sudden turn of events, like one might be when the ice cream scoop falls of its cone in mid-lick. Mostly, I felt removed from the entire experience yet a deeper connection of love, safety and acceptance on a higher plane. And I woke up calmly, with that feeling remaining in my present state. I don't dream often or if I do, I don't remember them. I like to reflect on them in the times I do.
Goals: Move mulch. Clean gutters.
Anticipation: Ornament sale at moms.
Wants: to use whatever time I have left to accomplish whatever I might otherwise regret not accomplishing with whatever time I have left.

6 AM rise, 7 AM arrival at Jikoji. I threw the "holiday" French toast casserole into the oven and headed to the large Zendo. No shoes outside should have been a clue but I took 'em off and checked and found it empty. I walked back to the small Zendo where a larger set of the Sanga than I expected were meditating. Michael H, Pamela, Prachi, Emily, Cade, Judy, Gerow, a visitor from Felsendor and "Jotey", a visitor staying and working for awhile. There were no cushions and I didn't want to disrupt things any further so I just sat on the pad and managed. Emily lead an interesting and different post-meditation experience and it was engaging. She made a reference to a departed relative 'not being here' and all I could think was that a part of them was, in her, here. The casserole was well received and the meeting, albeit long, was productive and encouraging. There was a good discussion about intention and perception. I returned home and we punted the planned winery trip due to Jen's work demands. I managed a handful of to-do's. We went to Gali to taste and enjoyed a charcuterie board with a glass. We went to head to Montalvo for the English Beat concert when I realized I'd forgotten the tickets. I was pissed at myself for missing that and wasn't able to find them on my phone so we swung by the house and grabbed them. I dropped Jen at the venue while I parked and as we walked in and were just about to sit, the lights dimmed. We made it! The show was excellent – I wasn't a big fan going in but Jen is and I enjoyed it a good deal. Lauren called towards the very end and I FaceTime'd her so she could see it. We have a good chat with her on the drive home with her about some class related stuff, and Tommy called and shared some details earlier in the day about a work related conflict. It felt good to have him share the story and look to me for feedback. I'm grateful to have the relationships we have and to be sharing all of this with each of them.

Light Switch

I recently replaced the garage door opener with one that includes a motion sensor. When you open the garage or simply move within the garage, the bulbs in the garage door opener housing turn on and stay on as long as there's motion. But it's sub-par light. We have LED strip lighting in place that's far more useful. As a part of my "cut the electric bill in half" initiative, I wanted to install a motion sensor for THOSE lights so they'd not be left on. When my mental light bulb triggered. Since the outlet for the switched lighting is close to the garage door opener, plug those lights into the sockets using an adaptor and, voila, a quick $5 fix. It's working great. The lights stay on for up to 10 minutes past the last detected motion and shut off automatically.

Mindset: i'm feeling pretty optimistic today. Having spent yesterday, deep diving into the merging of my websites was really inspiring and cathartic. It reminded me of how much I have accomplished over the many years I've been writing excessively or sporadically. It helped me recognize a potential I've been striving to live up to. And ultimately it reminded me that the clock is ticking, and for as much time as I have spent focused on introspection around in permanence and mortality, I haven't really done shit to get my life's work accomplished. I have aspirations to focus on two significant writing efforts and this made me recognize the value of small steps over along period of time.
Goals: nothing major. Maybe moving the mulch so we can get the photos submitted for the reimbursement on the lawn rework.
Anticipation: a leisurely afternoon running a few errands with Jennifer and enjoying a concert tonight (The English Beat at Montalvo)
Wants: to spend whatever time I have left accomplishing what I will regret not accomplishing when whatever time I have left runs out

I considered visiting Sac today to check out the Midway Mall (Mid Century Antique Shop) before it closes. There's something I want from there. But I had numerous other tasks and aspirations on my mind, too, so I punted. It was a tough call, and even at 9.30, I was vacillating, but instead, I 'hunkered down' and kept focused on my efforts to structure my days for more optimal flow and productivity. It sorta worked. I had difficulty stopping, and my day's focus went in an unexpected direction – consolidating the blogs. I've tried repeatedly without success to merge them back into one for many reasons, but the technical issues and failed imports were more than I was willing to wrestle with. While doing other tasks, I found that a prior import worked. And a renewed effort snowballed into getting it all moved over. There's still significant cleanup needed due to formatting/reformatting issues, but it's all under one roof again. Here. And I'm pleased to have it done. I have a 'stopping point' of historical content to return to migrating, but that'll wait. For now, I'm content. Tommy called, and we discussed his work with terminal children at Stanford. It's intense, and I'm grateful he was willing to open up about it. His heart is good, and this sort of work is a gift when you realize how much you're helping somebody in need. I had some back/forth texts with Lauren as well. The new higher gate for the dogs worked great to keep them out of the entry and hallways.

The day went well. I set out to try a new routine and to focus on writing and I accomplished it. I wrote about the mouse. It took awhile but it' was a good return and satisfying to have done so. I also took care of things around the house and listened to a great Huberman interview, planted the plants needed to submit the final claim, and reviewed insurance options with Jen. I had to decline a few opportunities to see friends but needed to stay on course. Oh and when picking up a fence I got off Craigslist it turned out the seller, James Green, knows Brian from Apple and Pearl. Crazy small world!

Catch And Release

It all started with oats being sowed in the pantry. 

That sounds a bit odd, given the typical insinuations associated with that phrase, but it's relatively literal in this case. Oats were spilled liberally within the pantry (the literal part) by my son (the relative part) while taking them down from the topmost shelf.

To his credit, he did make a modest effort to clean up the visible mess, yet he missed those scattered amongst the tea bin, mugs, bowls, and wine bottles along the way to the floor. Jen and I found and attended to the residual cleanup effort over the following week. Only to see, in a small bowl on the bottom shelf, evidence of another's attempt to assist in clearing the same scattered grains.

Mouse poop.

Mindset: Gravitating towards gratitude and optimism. My 2024 will start with uncertainty in several areas :,relationships are changing, financial future remains unknown, and my aspirations continue to wax and wane. Yet it's all evolutionary. And it's all good or bad based solely on my perception and response. Change is always good and sometimes sad or challenging. Duality. Every life experience has had that in common. Loss and gain. Regret and pride. All of it simply is experiencing chaos and adaptation.
Goals: Writing AM. Planting Afternoon. Cards and maintenance PM.
Anticipation: Spontaneity
Wants: a hearty breakfast!

Highlights: David & Julia left yesterday. It was a great visit and time connecting. Surprisingly and positively so. Many things happened in parallel, too, that I wish I'd captured along the way. I caught (and released) the mouse I'd started out intending to kill. That'll be a post of its own. I enjoyed a Sunday Program at Jikoji where I attended to some tech-finance-related needs, saw many key players, and witnessed the Guiding Teachers appointment ceremony. David and I (along with Lindsey and Julia shortly after) spent hours with our mom going through boxes and boxes of ornaments from our 60+ years as a family. We both treasured the opportunity to talk through this with my mom, who herself said she'd rather share them and the stories now than have it be one more thing we have to deal with when she passes away. Pretty healthy, IMO. David and I claimed a few key artifacts, his including her 1st wax angel purchased at age 14 at Woolworths and I, a handmade paper mache figure she made that I'm gathering more details on. A magazine with a forward from Pennsylvania to San Jose and a mini pinecone wreath made from 100% gathered cones from our Pennsylvania backyard. (That went into the history cabinet right away). I had a 'moment of karma' occur in the form of a stall on the Union Ave offramp as the BMW ran out of gas… within 60 seconds, a "Freeway service patrol" truck was behind me, and another 60 seconds later, my car wash was fueled to get me moving again. A free service of CHP and our 'tax dollars' per the driver. David was with me, and we both just revealed the timing, fate, karma, and how the universe can bend in your direction.

Accomplishments: Followed up on many deferred tasks, errands, and calls. Good progress. Cleaned the glass chamber of the coffee roaster with a razor blade and removed all the buildup that blocked my view and just looked like crap. It's clean and clear again. I wrestled with the garage door not closing and retracting. I was frustrated and could not resolve it, but it stopped, and I assume, for now, something I did fix it. I have to keep an eye on it.
Gratitudes: That Tommy wants me to work out with him. I require core strength and flexibility, for sure. But lifting weights again after decades with little results previously isn't my jam. Still, he wants that, and I told him I was grateful for that. Maybe I should do it.

It's been a busy and distracting several days, but they've been amazing. Timely. Informative and connective. With David and Julia and all of us. Lauren was down yesterday and left today. We've had dinners and laughter, but tensions (Tommy/me only) and helpful observations. Challenges for me keeping my perspective and also accepting Jen in a way where church talk was an issue for me. There's a lot going on below all of this surface, and I am working on paying attention more than documenting right now. I'm learning and realizing many things - David's identity and experiences/paths, Julia's too, all the intersections of all these parallel lines bent by the energy of the others. I am getting behind in writing and capturing all of this - that'll change with my new routine starting Tuesday with AM writing periods.

Mindset: overwhelmed and anxious - there's something I need to be doing and I am not. There's things I have to do but avoid. It's a pattern this journal reveals and after the past week my routines and focus have been scattered. I feel like I'm about to pull off the blindfold and see where I stuck the donkey tail. Likely far from desire or intention. I feel disoriented.
Goals: knock out a handful of calls and errands, revisit and prep the guest room. Streamline my own space for lean minimalist flow again.
Anticipation: dialing in a daily routine of writing. It'll take some finesse to find that sweet spot but it's a critical need.
Wants: to see melancholy moments as validation of the value this life has had for me.

Mindset: optimism. Having an unexpected and positive time with my brother. Surprised. Something or someone has changed. Or maybe all of us have. In any case, it's eye opening.
Goals: yard work and cleanup. Gutters. Leaves. All that stuff. It's time.
Anticipation: Martin's visit this am

Mindset: uncertainty. There's a lot going on right now. Things related to the kids, anxiety about some discussions on the horizon that may well shift some dynamics between us, hopefully in a positive way but perhaps only after some time and processing. I am struggling and striving to maintain a perspective of paths and optimism while balancing realism. Yet realism is sometimes subjective.
Goals: Be flexible and amiable but not to the point of yielding honesty intentions and needs.
Anticipation: David and Julia arrive today.
Wants: To be able to accept what is without second guessing what could have or should have been or be.

Another full day focused on getting things done. My permanent crown was put in. I had 1/2 of a deep cleaning of my teeth done. Temu return dropped at USPS. Mini Cooper Smogged. CPAP paperwork acquired. Mouse traps were purchased, and the little guy showed up on camera and survived multiple baitings. I may go the 'catch and release' path at this point. I'm impressed. I picked up some additional LPs of CL and thinned my collection a tad. Good interactions with Tommy throughout the day. Paid bills, mailed in a Prop 19 petition signature and an appeal to the state re some unclaimed funds of Linda's. Charles Schwab confirmed the acceptance of my claims regarding funds, but I'm still confused about what Lauren's been contacted about separately. I finally coordinated and met the seller of the Gene Cafe, and I'm hoping to get some tips and beans from Martin on Wednesday. I ended my day reading details and statistics related to our medical procedures back in 2002 that resulted in our kids and its fascinating stuff, the whole IVF and parallel work that went into it. In the realm of gratitude, I have to say my improving dynamic with Tommy feels really positive.

Where to begin? 6.30 rise and off to LGCafe for breakfast with Jen and Lauren. Tommy slept in. Jen feels weird about going there as it was a place they went with their mom and with us as a family, and I was willing to go to the other location, but we ended up there anyway. I get it, but I also have a sense of history there prior, as does she, when it was the Iron Skillet. I'm good about respecting what might be considered crossing the line. But this isn't one. We then went to Costco and dropped funds on food and holiday gift bag stuff for our neighbors. Lauren and I took a wreath and Walkers cookies to my mom. I finally isolated the presence of a small mouse in the garage thanks to night vision. 5 attempts to kill it with a large trap failed – it turns out this is not uncommon. They don't trigger it. I'm glad it didn't because it's so small that the end result might have been brutal and inhumane. I have to rethink my next steps and options. Fucker's kinda cute, TBH. Dropped Lauren at Amtrak. Miss her already. Tommy's adjusting back to PST after traveling. Ended the night going to David Benoit doing a jazz concert with a "Charlie Brown Christmas" theme. I planned ahead and got to meet him and get my vinyl copy of "Christmastime" signed. He shared that it was originally just a cassette he made for friends at Christmas in 1982 and that a record company said they wanted to release it as an album. He also laughed out loud at my "we three jumpin' jivin' kings" reference. I explained how it opened a door to a whole world of Jazz for me. While performing Blue Ronda Ala Turk, I felt a powerful presence and connection with my father, who would have loved to see me be as into this music as he was. It felt like he was there with me, within me, nodding along and snapping his fingers. What a gift to have this level of connection. I hope my kids feel my presence in such a positive way when they're older, too.

Mindset: Melancholy - Tommy returned from Paris and appreciated the room upgrades. He made a few changes but nothing I take issue with. Lauren's visit has been very pleasant. We ran errands and played skipbo, visited my mom, LGCafe breakfast… the usual. But it's bittersweet because she'll be returning to school and I know that's best. The holiday season is here. My brother will be visiting for a full week. I feel somewhat conscious of and sensitive to the likelihood that mom my will face struggles, and I foresee an end of an era and possibly inter-family tensions that I hope to head off with some clear intentions and understandings up front. It'll require some direct conversations with David to make sure we can navigate the road ahead with patience and integrity. Also, for my kids, their futures and our relationships are certainly going to change as they should, but in some ways I anticipate a divide and distance too. It'll require my relinquishing the very strong attachment I have to my role as a parent and allow the understandable change to adult-adult. 2024 will be a challenging transitional period.
Goals: enjoy the connection without expecting permeance in anything, as nothing is.
Anticipation: David Benoit tonight
Wants: a signed copy of "Christmastime".

Mindset: Grateful. Melancholy. Pensive. Inspired. Lauren is here. Tommy is en route back from Paris. I am hoping for a positive day but have to allow for jet lag based variables. To my surprise the rat trap didn't trigger overnight, yet the two trial runs confirm there's something eating the peanut butter or it just evaporates in a JIF.
Goals: Drop the stew at Mary's. Visit Linda with Lauren and leaves. Move mulch. Aqui at moms.
Anticipation: the whole day feels unpredictable - Tommy's mood, a rat trap set, - it feels unpredictable so my anticipation is that things will be calm if I just carry on no matter what. External drama isn't in my control but its impact on me is.
Wants: peace

I've gotten a lot of things done lately, today being no exception. Massive cleanup of leaves this am before the mulch delivery. I filled two large green waste containers with leftovers. I finished both Tommy and Lauren's rooms down to dusting and mopping. The 4x2 Ikea Kallax shelf got picked up off CL as 'free' within 25 min, and the table/desk was gone in the following hour. Very pleased to pass along things like this. I reassembled the painted wine rack yesterday, and it's all reloaded and looks good. Blends in well. I participated in the weekly Jikoji meeting and have tasks to tackle ASAP. Lauren came down in the PM, we did a mountain drive in the mini with the top down and heater cranked, we got our annual egg nog, and hung at Pano for the evening. Lucky was super excited and attached to seeing her, which made her feel loved. We were too. Tommy's heading home and arrives tomorrow. I'm hoping he gets good sleep. Tomorrow will be a full fun day with Lauren here – we have a few things lined up.