Morning Mindset: Mixed set of mixed baggage – slept poorly, festered in resentment over a slight disagreement with Jen over the seating options for Christmas Eve dinner. Proudly attempted to brush it off, apologize, explain, and it worked although she herself 'festered' for awhile too. Yet overnight these options and avenues unfolded during restless tossing and turning. Shadows of past incidents in past relationships surfaced and taunted me with recollections of being dismissed, discounted, disregard and just plain diss'd. My inner demons rallied to the war cry and kept me from getting the rest I needed while lobbying for the rights to retribution and redemption. My own anger stewed over my intentions and by the time I seemed to be at my deepest sleep the 6am alarm sounded. I got my curt sullen embittered ass out of bed, grunted brief replies and built a fostering resentment over the smallest perceptions of infractions of consideration and responsibility. To the point I suggested she go alone to get the meat ordered for tonight's dinner from Lunardis while I stayed with the dogs. At which point I started to recognized my choices were working against me. I don't fully understand the way my or all of our minds work but on occasion I can get lost in what feels like a rush of 'darkness' - anger or irritation or indignation, whatever the feeling, it builds and a sense of protection and defense crops up. Like being in some sort of inner/outer battle. I started to recognize this while the car was still warming and went to the door to go along but missed the chance. So I started working on some household prep tasks and when she returned, made a point of being back on the positive side. I even laughed off that the Prime Rib was $200 more than expected, recognizing that the overall value and likely 50% leftovers will be easily efficiently and economically 'sealable' for future sous vide reheating and dining. OMFG this is gonna be a stellar day. Lauren's heading down on Amtrak, Jen has things under way for dinner and I'm back on the right side of the mindfulness fence. Although a nap might be in order shortly.
Goals: Stay connected to all that's good and good fortune.
Anticipation: The aforementioned meal.
Wants: A good night's sleep.
