STRONG coffee (new, "Deadman's Reach" from Tabitha and I need to get a bit more savvy with it). AM Meditation topic was 'closure'... hit a nerve. Not something I expect I'll ever see, so I settle for acceptance. Decided to finally wash the windows and ended up doing all but a few. Once I got started I just kept going, knowing I'd not complete it otherwise. Really pleasant to have done so. Listened to Tara Burch Masterclass. Marya/Jen hit Hope and Original Pancake House. Great dinner w/Matt Steve Diana at La Paloma but surreal to be saying goodbye. Tears were shed. PM call from Tommy re party situation at friends… trusting him to make the right choices and my only concern is really his safety. He got home fine, too.

Gratitude: Being a conduit to have introduced Jen to Diana and Steve and Matt.

Goal: Work with Lauren on Middle College prep.

Anticipation: Trying out West Coast Beef Co with kids tomorrow.

Watched McMillions E3 & 4 and Curb S10E6, Listened to "The Rainbow Children" by Prince.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Cleanup

Tommy was with us 'off cycle' due ot coming yesterday so… 6am rise. Made him some eggs and he needed stuff from Pano so we stopped there. We discussed his board, his mom and how to approach resolving tensions, and I said not to engage in any dialog until after school. He didn't come out for awhile so I feared they got into a debate but I pushed back jumping to conclusions and remembered that all I could do is manage my own responses to whatever happens. He came out, I didn't ask, he seemed find and didn't say anything about it, so hopefully all went well. I camped out at Starbucks and worked on a few things, returned home for meetings including a unification of expectations around colo move steps and scope, which went really well. I headed into RWC and after a huddle with OPS I ended up 1:1 lunch w/RP discussing corona virus severity and numerous possible variables and outcomes. I love those type of conversations, they challenge my assumptions. I'm not worried, myself, but do think panic will result in economic negatives. How bad remains to be seen. Returned home, Jen was WFH so I setup and finished the day. Volunteered at Lauren's play helping w/fund raising candy sales.

Gratitude: The creative arts in school and parents that support it.

Goal: Plan a remote work week / PTO blend and go writing somewhere/

Anticipation: Seeing their play next Friday.

Watched "McMillions" E1 and 2.

Accomplishments: Meditation Parenting

All the meditation, mindfulness, introspection and overarching consciousness of the size of our world and the scope of hardships others face may massively help with maintaining my perspective, but it remains powerless against the irritation of a coffee shop table that wobbles ever so slightly.

Woke up right at 5.50am without an alarm, that's always kinda convenient. Cooked up some ground breakfast sausage and used some to make a burrito for Tommy. He was a bit sullen, I suspect because of the conversations and issues the night before re. music choices but I let it go and we didn't discuss. He was up and ready quickly, and it was a relatively quiet drive. I felt bad for him. All this seems to be coming to a head for the guy. Dropped Lauren later after a quick stop for neighbor's dog feeding tasks she's doing. Managed meetings and work tasks and whipped up a batch of egg bites too. Tommy called around 4.30 asking to come over vs going to him mom's who was not responding to his call. I said it was ok. She dropped him around 5pm and she was embarrassingly shouting at him as she drove away. He looked so worn down. We talked about it all, I shared with him how he played a role in the dysfunction and was as responsible for keeping it going as she was because of his tone, comments, and refusal to listen as well as be heard. We talked about a number of things related to his feelings throughout the divorce, before, after, and more. I feel more and more that the way to help him disengage from the dysfunction is to talk about it, point out the behaviors that exacerbate it and give him opportunities to reflect. Hopefully it helped. I don't want him using me as an escape from resolving his conflict with his mom and I hope to help him find better ways to manage himself. Jen came back from dinner with Cheryl and a wonderful gift and addition to our home,as pictured. I"ve always loved this image of hers and now I have it. Really grateful.

Gratitude: Gifts with personal meaning and history.

Goal: Maintain weight loss focus.

Anticipation: Heling at Lauren's play tomorrow.

Watched more "Adama Ruins Everything".

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

It really feels, sometimes, especially having been doing this daily for awhile now, that so many little things happen each day that are small simple routine daily experiences, and it's only when looking at them all as a collection of 'incidents' that I recognize how wide ranging, demanding, taxing or enriching each of them can be. I also think that much of the time when it's difficult, it's how I respond that's the issue. I was told today that I'm too hard on myself. I think I just expect too much. Today, for example, included Tommy being relatively belligerent and distant, Lauren/I made a Panera run and a mountain drive before school, work was a steady demand including some blindsiding accusations (full redundancy in new colo's or not) and a sudden 'site down' thrash due to some moving pieces (it happens), A lunch run to GOBM and re-encounter of Ron who talked up a storm once more, making dinner with Jen for them was going well and then having Lauren give me 2 min notice that the Middle College presentation at West Valley was starting at 6 not 7.30 just as she's arriving at 5.55 challenged me to roll with it. I did. We had to rush out the door and I maintained composure and didn't stress about it. We got there, parked as far away as possible from where we learned as we walked about where it was. 1hr in they mention parking requires payment and I'd not paid. Stressor. I let it go, assume if I got a ticket it's my fault, roll with it. An earlier email from Linda voiced her concerns about corona virus including turning her dr's suggested 'don't travel international' recommendation into domestic too, which is typical. I tried to laugh it off and pretty much succeeded beyond the learned cringe response. I felt like it was a successful day. Later at home, Tommy was loudly playing horrible mysognistic foul lyric'd rap in bathroom and I was so incensed that hey'd even consider that ok, that the I turned off explicit lyric music. I tried to calmly explain to him that it was not OK, ever, and how bad it is and why. He was standoffish and did his usual attempted ODD debate effort. I managed to keep calm and not get pulled in. Then, after deciding to take a shower myself but stopping 1st to do all the cleanup and prep and maintenance and such (dishes, coffee prep, clothes away…) I went to take a shower and wanted to use the bluetooth speaker. It, once again, as it's known to do, simply would not connect. I spent 20+ min trying to get it to work while the water was 'paused' but trickling and waiting for me. All this built up frustration finally came out and even though I knew it was counter productive I slammed the speaker repeatedly on the counter top and threw it way. Because I simply can not continue to live with or keep things that don't function as expected. I had a good successful day dodging all the shit but it silently registered until the last straw was placed and all my efforts got thrown out the window.
Gratitude: I guess I am grateful that I got through as much of the day as I did.
Goal: STOP taking things so personally, stop letting things fester, stop feeling like I have control over anything but my response to anything, ever.
Anticipation: A night alone.
Watched more "Adam ruins Everything". Great show.
Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Drama at Pano started my day. Email exchange followed to no avail, as does banging my head against a wall. What's that saying, again? Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Yeah, that. Time to try something different. Kids dropped, Whole Foods dinner before scouts meeting. Otherwise low key PM.

Gratitude: Jennifer's support.

Goal: Burn more bridges.

Anticipation: Them turning 18.

Watched & Listened to Western Stars. Liked it. Preachy but insightful and lyrically poetic.

Accomplishments: Meditation

Woke to texts re. Tommy issues at Pano, then a nice call from Lauren en route to school. Work was good, onsite for weekly staff meeting. Feeling a bit of optimism but mixing in cautious skepticism too. Discussed a couple of HR issues w/Donna. Chased down some GDPR compliance needs. 1:1 w/Ops too. More to manage tomorrow. Nice afternoon working w/Scottie. Gave him a bath. Tommy showed up unexpectedly, which I think I handled well given the circumstances. It's not an option for him to do without agreement from both parents and I'm working to get that flexibility…., we'll see how that goes, hopefully we can have a less rigid situation for the next 1.5yrs.

Gratitude: Parenting is complicated but I feel grateful to think I'm managing it well in such instances. Others, not so much.

Goal: More walking and perhaps jogging too… may try a light jog tomorrow to test the waters.

Listened to Podcast about aging, stumbled across and enjoyed the shared perspective that others still feel like a teen at times, too. Read and will continue reading fascinating article by Shermer about beliefs, really important to remember. https://www.skeptic.com/reading_room/el-paso-dayton-gilroy-shootings-guns-dont-kill-people-beliefs-do/

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Got over my irritation last night, with a timely am meditation about picking your battles and understanding what's going on when you feel 'invited to an argument'. It's hard in the moment but worth trying to understand and apply next time. Got up and out on time, stopped at Red Apple Cafe in Aptos for breakfast before returning to Matson to see Scottie who was thrilled to have us return. Saw Marissa and Nigel off, so grateful they helped and made the most of the opportunity. Dropped kids, caught up on to-do stuff and settled back into the home/routine. Feeling a bit nervous about the rest of the month, work wise, but trying my best to keep a positive outlook.

Gratitude: Enabling Marissa and Lindsey to have time together.

Goal: RWC onsite 11-2

Watched Curb latest episode, Read Ghost Rider.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

"What a fool I used to be. The truest words I ever wrote, and they get truer every day."



-Neil Peart

The day started reasonably well and I had some time to write about the experience here so far. I'm sorta done here. It's too much for me. Too many people, too much chaos, too many kids shouting or arguing back against direction. I have enough of that in my daily life. I don't need more. I don't know what lies ahead in the way of vacations for us. I think it's best that I do 1:1 with Jen or Lauren or Tommy but I'm sofaking tiered of having to argue or feel bad for not wanting to do what 1/4th of the group wants to do. Jen said tonight to others that i'm neurotic. That hurt. That's not how I see myself, but does anybody others consider difficult realize that they are? It's sad, but my parenting life and personal life seem at odds. Something has to give. Soon.

Gratitude: It's nice to have photos of my life with them to look back on. I wish I could be more conscious each day about the value of each moment. I try. I don't always succeed.

Goal: Regroup tomorrow.

Anticipation: Scottie's reception when we return to Matson.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Vacation Continues. Wonderful AM. Got up, Leena had gotten up and started the 1st pot of coffee, which rocked. Love having coffee waiting. Took a solo walk and did some solo meditation early in the am. Felt awesome. Really enjoyed the solitude. Cold, but it felt alive. Ran to get Lauren from Pano and then to Matson. Scottie lost his shit, so happy to see me and I him. But would not stop barking. Just wanted attention. Gathered all I needed to retrieve for the 2nd half of vacation and headed back to Pajaro. Tommy and others spent the AM digging an amphitheater in the sand for a PM campfire. It was quite impressive. Lauren/I ate and walked about and spent some 1:1 time. Depak made some amazing indian food, we sipped Three Sheets and Purity, opened wine, ate, drank, talked Linda Ronstadt and Hamilton and Jo Jo Rabbit and 1917 and Once Upon a Time in hollywood, along with touching a bi on corporation laws, documentary, benefit manipulation and more. So fun to converse. PM walk w/Depak and Mark to sip rum and talk vices, also fun. Sat in the amphitheater looking at stars and listening to ocean and laughing endlessly.

Gratitude: Connections between people.

Goal: Spend tomorrow reading and writing more.

Anticipation: AM photo walk with Canon M5 camera.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Didn't press for Point Lobos. Vacation relaxing ≥ early AM rise and hike. Made coffee, enjoyed brisk am and gathering of attendees. Took a great walk about scouting out possible options for October/November family gathering for my mom's birthday. Went to office to get details too. Enjoyed time hanging out, took a solo walk on the beach, conversed politics over a great dinner, too. PM walk ended the day. Lauren arrived in SFO safely so I'll get her tomorrow morning.

Gratitude: Hearing from strangers what a good polite person Tommy is.

Goal: More of the same tomorrow.

Anticipation: Seeing Lauren and hearing her stories.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

DAY 1 of PTO. Marissa/Nigel at Matson last night/this am and throughout the week. Got Tommy, got packed up, headed to Moss Landing. Enjoyed the drive down but wasn't smart to have drank 2 liters of water before doing so :-/. Arrived early so... Phils, of course. Clam chowder 'n Calamari. Yum! Arrived at Pajaro behind Marioni's. Felt a bit irritated, to be honest, to learn that we split the place 4 ways evenly but the bedroom selections were preordained which feels inequitable. But it is what it is. Then we ran to get food and in hindsight we should have brought it with us entirely or just gone to one store not two. And Tommy needed ear meds for swimmers ear. I was irritated by that point. Jen rode it out but in hindsight I wish I'd rolled with it more gracefully. It really is nothing and I want him comfortable and I brought the shopping fiasco on myself. Anyway... returned, ate taco salad, and eventually got into a really engaging dialog about Gender and equality and more. It was great. I love those sort of dialogs. I learned something, too... to recognize that cultures might not want to "assimilate". Converation might continue tomorrow. TBD.

Gratitude: Jennifer

Goal: Relax tomorrow and read a lot

Anticipation: Point Lobos

Listened to Cinefiles : Boogie Nights

Accomplishments: Meditation Parenting

Finally got a good night sleep. Man did I need it. Tommy called and shared the drama/trauma of having their dog having a bleeding toenail last night. Sounds like he was seriously shaken up by it and I totally understand. Than a work related issue with a direct report arose that needed my attention. Then meetings and work followed but it was an eventful morning. Got things setup for Nigel and Marissa, who arrived and we spent the evening catching up.

Gratitude: Building memories with family

Goal: Keep writing and meditating through PTO

Anticipation: Pajaro Dunes tomorrow.

Listened to "The Little Book of Contentment"

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Didn't sleep well last night due to too much wine and too much sugar. Woke up actually feeing a tightness in my chest and wondered if I was having a mild heart attack or just indigestion. Walked to bathroom and back and felt a bit better but still struggled to sleep. Eventually just got up and did some research online. Also ended up reading an article by Leo Babauta that hit a chord – it talked about making and breaking commitments to oneself can really undermine your trust of and opinion of yourself and I realized that, although I'm really proud of some commitments I've made to write and meditate and such, there's others I've failed at and this has me inspired. So for the foreseeable future, at least the rest of the month at a minimum, I'm going to set aside some vices. I'm going to set realistic goals and cut out sugars and glutens and wine, to a reasonable and achievable degree. We returned with Scottie from the Hill's rental. I got them all setup with AppleTV which I think they'll really enjoy. The dog's happy to be back. Tomorrow is a work day and Wed-Sat are at Pajaro Dunes w/the Marioni's. I had to wrestle with Amazon account settings trying to resolve issues w/the 'teen' account setup and it just unraveled. Had to go through hoops to restore things.

Gratitude: Resetting some focus on commitments and goals.

Goal: Get things cleaned up tomorrow for Marissa/Nigel.

Anticipation: Marissa/Nigel starting the week stay!

Listened to "The Little Book of Contentment" by Leo Babauta.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

https://zenhabits.net/the-heartbreaking-effects-of-being-only-partly-committed-to-most-things/

Completely relaxing day staying at the house while friend went out/about. Zero interest in dealing with Monterey or Carmel crowds on 3-day weekend. Just read, wrote, managed dogs, setup AppleTV… really relaxing. Great meal, great time with friends.

Gratitude: Years of history

Goal: Sleep… uninterrupted.

Anticipation: regrouping and preping for 2nd half of the week, this time with kids.

Read GQ article about Larry David, 60's playboys (ads, cartoon)

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

Lauren left for and safely arrived in DC. Tommy/I had breakfast at Los Gatos Cafe. It was great, just he/I having some laughter and simple causal conversations. I see him becoming more and more of a man. These kids are both growing up so fast. It's hard to imagine how soon they'll be living their own lives and I'll be a sidebar. As it should be, but it'll be odd all the same. Spending the next few days in Monterey at Steve/Diana's rental with friends.

Gratitude: Scottie being relatively portable

Goal: Read, Write, Relax

Anticipation: Meeting that goal

Accomplishments: Walking Parenting Cleanup

Made the trek into RWC today and I'm glad I did. It felt good to be onsite and be engaged in person. Tommy came by on his board to Matson later in the afternoon and it set off some drama and pretty awful accusatory texts from his mom. I said it was unnecessary. He ended up only hanging out for about an hour then leaving and ended up back at his mom's. Big drama over nothing. And man, the text I got is vicious and unwarranted. Thinking it's time to act on some legal steps, this has to stop. Lauren and I went to see Mama Mia in community theater where Jonathan's wife and daughter, Tonya and Sarah, were performing. Tonya had a strong role and played it up well. Had to run out and get Lauren to her mom's so she could get finished and ready for her DC trip early tomorrow.

Gratitude: Lauren. She's earned her middle name.

Goal: maintain daily meditation throughout the coming week's local trips.

Anticipation: Big Dog Gathering

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting

I had an interesting conversation with Tommy tonight wherein he shared some of his perspectives and experiences of the past 6+ years. It felt sincere and heartfelt but it was hard in some ways, too, to recognize some of the struggles the divorce put him through. The changes I made were in part to get out of an unhealthy situation that didn't get any healthier for him in my absence. It's good to know these things and have a chance to at least give support if not understanding.
Gratitude: Having written so much for him to read later.
Goal: Keep up on getting weight down.
Anticipation: Mama Mia
Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Walked Scottie. Oil change at Capital Honda while working from home thanks to a courtesy shuttle that drops and picks up. Got a call from Vet indicating that the biopsy something he found in the dog's mouth came back with some low-level cancer cell indicators. We have to watch it and see if we can determine if it's growing, so we have question for him to get more details. Not freaking out, it is what it is, and we'll deal with whatever comes of the concern.

Gratitude: Being able to discuss these things rationally.

Goal: Read more.

Anticipation: Weigh in

Watched "Broken" about Makeup, Recycling and Vaping , Read Just Kids

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Cleanup

I am moderately rushed, as it's late and I have reading lined up. Great AM walk w/Lauren after yet-another frustrating start ending with me dropping Tommy off in stoic silence. I'm working on accepting he is who he is and stop having expectations of otherwise. Work was good but it's getting scary thinking about what will/won't happen…. and when, GNO at Rock Bottom outside was great. Really great. We have an awesome routine gathering that's crossed into tradition, Pleasant PM dog walk taking with Jen. Snoring dog signaling it's time wrap up.

Gratitude: I realized today that this effort, daily journalling, has become one of the best things I've done for myself. I'm getting rewarded nightly with the chance to stare into the reflection on the day behind me, sift and capture descriptors of my experiences in writing, allowing me to read and realize in retrospect just how many things happen in even the simplest of days. Otherwise they're lost, the so many things to be conscious of and grateful for… the comfort of routines, the hardships of disruptions and chaos, and those scattered incidental moments as simple as dog walks, friendships and teen-wrangling 

Goal: Review and draft/send weekly status and capture all known open tasks in/outside of Jira.

Anticipation: 3 day weekend coming up.

 Read Just Kids, Listened to Calm App "Silence" segment 2.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

Started the day off running just a bit late to get Tommy to school on time and en route, had to return to get his vocab sheets which he needed. He used the stop to also snag some Capt'n Crunch and milk in a Taglenti gelato container and I thought that was a smart move… just would have liked a lid so I didn't worry about it spilling later. It didn't. BUT we ran too late for Lauren and I to get our planned hike in, and it pisses me off when they make a big deal about who's out last when the 1st person out is still late due to their own failure to get up on time and then rushing and forgetting things. Lessons to learn, hard to sit by idle but I'm trying to do so. I read a great article last night about how people in their later years don't stress or worry as much and this was a good example of learning to just 'shrug it off' if he's late. It's not the end of the world in any manner whatsoever, and it's part of learning as I mentioned earlier. Lauren and I hiked Bel Gatos instead of planned hike, got one mountain drive loop in, dropped her, returned and showered and got ready for work. Headed in after phone calls only to find two accidents on 85 meant standstill traffic and excessive delays, so I just returned home and apologized to Marlin via email. Turns out others had issues too. Bad day for Bay Area traffic. Tommy texted later in the PM following some 'boosted board' issues with his mom again. I promoted being calm, reasonable and not 'loosing his shit' but that's not something easily done for him. He got dropped early, we snagged Lauren from LG Library, hit Andale for burrito's and enchiladas, returned home, walked the dog, and looked into DC for Lauren's upcoming trip with her friend. I'm excited as hell for her ot have this adventure coming up. It'll be such a huge step for her independence.

Gratitude: Tommy's trust. He might not want to hear what I say, he might argue it too, but I think deep down he wants my input and help, even just to acknowledge his feelings regardless of my agreements with them.

Goal: Stick to my 10-6, no alcohol, no carbs, no sugars through EOM, including time planned with friends and family that would otherwise result in abandon and indulgence.

Anticipation: GNO tomorrow

Reading: Just Kids

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

The kids got dropped off a bit after 10am. Tensions continue regarding the boosted board and I'm trying to work with him on resolving it,. Jennifer had made some Keto cinnamon rolls. They were delicious, as is pretty much anything she makes. It was a beautiful morning albeit windy as hell. Tommy suggested that we go to Los Altos, which I was eager to agree to. Mainly because it is rare that he wants to go places with us. So we backed up the dog and headed up. The dog has been getting better every day, although we've been waiting for him to poop and we found this afternoon that he'd been doing so, we just didn't realize it until we found some 'evidence' in both the front and back yards. Once we returned we put on "1917". Tommy had not seen it. He enjoyed it and I was glad to have a chance to watch it with him. Lauren and I ran some errands including getting some graph paper (I love graph paper) and hitting Costco for some necessary home supplies. Used the typewriter to draft a longer version of this post for the fun of it and it's definitely fun. A bit frustrating on occasion but more fun than anything else. I just need to get a couple keys to work more fluidly. Spent a chunk of the evening helping Tommy study for a history quiz. They really have some significant stuff they've covered and have to remember it's pretty amazing.

Gratitude: Having options in a world where so many things could have such catastrophic consequences to my and my loved ones well being. No matter how bad things might get, there's so many people in so many situations that I could never imagine enduring.

Goal: I need to continue to improve in mindfulness when things get chaotic and frustrating with the kids. I don't always roll with things when It feels like too many people are making unilateral and conflicting decisions.

Anticipation: Weighing in and hopefully seeing further progress.

Watched 1917. Read assorted articles sent to Kindle on various topics.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Parenting Cleanup

Ran to snag a CL purchase in the am and stopped to check out the classic and custom cars that by Starbucks on Camden each month. It's increased in size and it was fun to walk around and take it in. Spent some time at Starbucks reading, too. Took care of a slew of tasks including mowing lawns and other household crap. Scottie's doing much better, which is really comforting. Watched Ikiru, really enjoyed it.

Gratitude: A spring-like day.

Goal: Keep focused on maintaining success with weight loss.

Anticipation: Kids tomorrow.

Watched Ikiru , Read Just Kids.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness

Scottie did ok last night, gradually improving daily. AM walk and meetings. Cooked up a slew of bacon for his food which we're making tomorrow. Then things got… weird. Long story that I'll save for another blog/post, Jen's ex showed up unannounced in her work lobby, texting, emailing and asking the receptionist to get her, under the guise of it being a 'I happened to be in town, just want 5-10 to talk about our son' explanation. Needless to say it made her very conformable. More elsewhere. We toyed with but abandoned the idea of going to seaside to visit friends but given the post-opt needs of the dog, we stayed and it was the right call. He's still getting stable again. We watched "Modern Love" and I was absolutely stunned at the 3rd episode with Anne Hathaway. It was phenomenally well done. I'm always so impressed with the ideas, production and acting of this type.

Gratitude:The humanity of the 3 stories I watched in Modern Love made me feel more optimistic about the nature of people. 

Goal: Focus on home clean and also on getting personal affairs in order and combined into a shared space.

Anticipation: A day with nothing heavy or pressing to do.

Watched Modern Love , Read "Just Kids".

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness

"Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse who spent several years caring for patients during the last 12 weeks of their lives, routinely asked her patients about "any regrets they had or anything they would do differently."

https://www.becomingminimalist.com/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying/?fbclid=IwAR203LLH1zdaZ6BONRAe5GxxlLd6CHg1s-oVUWCJF5SEK7cSNYYWYw3WyLA

I am beginning to really appreciate silence. The less I allow myself to be distracted by background noise and chatter (news, TV as filler), the more I can be 100% present and focused on things that are more important.

What. A. Day. I was up most of the night, likely getting in a couple hours of fragmented sleep, attending to Scottie who was sleeping in his bed on the floor. He was a mess and it was hard to have no way to help him. He slept a great deal but he'd get up, stagger and weave trying to navigate walking while still drugged up. He actually went out to pee twice in the night thanks to my following and opening paths. Watching him almost face-plant on one instance was scary. All this and I still managed to get the kids to school, with some tensions from Tommy who ended up skilling zero period. I tried not to be worn down by it. I took Lauren to Panera and we had a bagel and talked. That was helpful. Returning I was just in time for an early call from Ukraine. Feedback from both sides was positive so I feel like we're hit a good pace with their team. Subsequent meetings ended and since Jen stayed to help, which was a huge game changer, we walked him a bit. He as slow but responded well to the routine, smells, and such. It wasn't easy to get him to eat but I managed to do so with some fatty soft bacon. We'd already decided to start doing all home-made food so I used lunch to stock up on some bacon, sausage and salami. Used lunch hours to catch a 60min sleep which helped immensely. After a PM walk and poop he ate. He's about 50% 'back', it seems, and he'll be sleeping on the floor again tonight simply because I can't risk him trying to jump down just yet. He does not seem 100% and with all that work being down on his mouth a face-plant would suck. I used some time in the PM to finally catch up on some decluttering, and filing of paperwork, putting the 2nd Time Capsule on an Alexa outlet for easily scheduled restarts, and numerous other action items that otherwise get sucked up by TV and tech. We did watch a documentary about dog food that was inspiring and enlightening and well timed. I've not bee reading nightly because I've been getting sidetracked or a late start, so I'm going to hopefully get a chapter in after finishing this.

Gratitude: The progress of Scottie's recovery.

Goal: Weigh in tomorrow as I've not done so for a few days.

Anticipation: Watching Ikiru, hopefully tomorrow.

Watched "DOG FOOleD", Read "Just Kids", Listened to Cinefiles podcast on Kurosawa.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Cleanup

Incredibly eventful day, good and difficult. We dropped Scottie at the vets, which went OK, before running to county clerk to manage some follow up needs, and return to just make it to monthly all-hands. Worked throughout hte day, and got a call around 1pm from Eric saying that things were a lot worse than expected. Long story short most of the dogs teeth had to be pulled. Took all day. Went to get him around 7.30. Heartbreaking to see him coming out of anesthesia, seems so confused and shaking and scared, face covered with blood. Broke my heart, but we got him home and he's sleeping next to me as I sleep on the floor with him for the night. (He's doped up and wobbly and there's no way I'm risking him trying to walk on or worse, jump off the bed, that's be a catastrophe. Adamantly refused any suggestion otherwise. Better to go the no risk route. Ended my night with the realization that I screwed up my tax filing and I have to fix it, but I'm not going to rush that as it's not in my favor and this dental work cost $4k. Ouch.

Gratitude: Being in a position to have options to finance this.

Anticipation: Hopefully seeing Scottie recover quickly.

Watched "Don't Fuck With Cats" - mind boggling.

Accomplishments: Meditation Workfocus Mindfulness Parenting

why are bagels sold as "sliced" if they're not FULLY sliced? It's not an English muffin. I don't want to "nooks and crannies". I don't buy slices bagels expecting to need a knife in order to finish the 95% effort made in production. Get your shit together, Thomas's.

Slept in. It was a DAMNED cold morning and hard to force myself up. I'm talking "Frost-on-the-grass" coldca. Dog walked during EngArch call, got back in time to be engaged in the workday. Sprint Retrospective, Planning, etc. Lunch w/Alex and Jess at Fiesta Del Mar Too. Been years since we'd done that and it was great. Really enjoy meeting with them, talking movies and tech, it's awesome. Alex is one of the few people who seem as "into" movies as I can get. We might go see a Kurosawa film at Stanford. He's also offered to help me with some networking which could be really helpful. Returned to complete a good focused workday. Jen came home early and we walked Scottie. Made potstickers for the kids, ran to REI, the Savers, found some awesome deals including white vans for Tommy and multicolored ones for Lauren, brand new. Score! Dog walk once more. Tomorrow AM we talk him to Acacia, Eric's doing teeth cleaning, probably removals, too, and du-claw removal as well. Scottie's not gonna be happy about being left but hopefully this will prevent further future issues for him.

Gratitude: Jen helping with dishes.

Goal: Not lose my shit when we get the vet bill.

Anticipation: Getting scottie back safe and sound.

Read: The Year of Less, Listened to Cine-Files.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Weight: Down 2

Apple Maps : get off 85, and back on, for no reason. Lame. And this was in CUPERTINO… they should know better.

Managed to get in a good walk w/Dog before work. Returning to Keto podcasts for inspiration. Focused well on managing food for the day as I work towards getting back into better shape. Otherwise relatively uneventful day.

Gratitude: The motivation of minor progress.

Goal: Maintain focus on no sugar, no carbs.

Anticipation: Lunch with Jess and Alex

Watched "Dark Water" - really powerful, and upsetting too. Followed with Curb Season 10, E1.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Cleanup

AWESOME day… breakfast at home with the kids. Toast, eggs, bacon, potatoes, and we all enjoyed a nice meal. Dropped them afterwards, ran some errands, and went to Matt's for SuperBowl. Half-time included a ceremonial celebration of our relationship, and recognition with Matt, Steve and Diana. This was likely our last superbowl together, as Steve/Diana are heading to Minn. in March. We'll miss the them. We took the dog with us and he managed to avoid Ranger, black lab.

Gratitude: History of relationships

Goal: Keto

Anticipation: Returning to the work routine

Watched Superbowl

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Cleanup

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Tommy stayed at his moms so it was just Lauren and Jennifer and I this morning. We went to the original pancake house on Almaden. The food was fine, nothing spectacular nothing awful, but the ambience rocked. It was just like something out of a Quentin Tarantino movie. Old-school. And I love that. Drop Lauren off for the start of her day at Alta Vista doing three performances of frozen Junior. She and Tommy doing tech work. Jennifer and I used the time to do Some grocery shopping and she spent the whole day cooking. Beef Bordeaux, butter chicken, taco meat seasoned and ready to roll. Three big meal preparations. All portioned and sealed and now... frozen. Had a surprise call from a nice conversation with my wonderful cousin Jeri. Went to Alta Vista and helped with the tear down. Have Scottie with me so I was a little limited but I managed.


Gratitude: kids that volunteer


Goal: Weight loss. Gerd is a real issue.


Anticipation: 02022020


Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup