"I'm not trying to be difficult. It just comes naturally, without any effort."

Highlights: A good dog walk in the morning. Lucky is getting more and more accustomed to the path and less anxious. Dog CBD may play a role in that too. Tommy was around a lot throughout the day and we managed to maintain a balanced interaction. I spent 8:30-3pm in nonstop meetings so I took the time to hang the house Christmas lights after that all wrapped up. The new lights are nice and work well. Lucky got groomed and looks great Scottie goes next, then we'll have a cadence to follow going forward. I made a large batch of egg nog at the end of the evening and continued exploring options for January.

Highlights: Filoli Holiday Lights outing with Jen last night was fun. She's so visual, and this was a feast to take in. I didn't take many photos but just tried being in the moment with the experience. As I'd written before going, I had reached another breaking point with Tommy and gave him his walking papers. But at the same time, as the day and evening progressed, I started to recognize my role in making things worse by coming into the earlier exchange, already angry and on the offense. He approached me when we got home and had a (mostly) calm conversation. It seems, for the moment we have reached an understanding and agreement. It's seemed that way before, so my guard is up, but so is my awareness that a great part of this is a dysfunction that's been present for both of us, and deep down, it doesn't seem like either of us want it that way. Hopefully, this will be a better month. Work was busy and full, and more to come tomorrow. Jen went to friends to have dinner and play cards, but I stayed home to work on other tasks. I ended up booking a few things to take advantage of some cyber-Monday deals, so Lauren and I, then Jen and I, back to back, will be doing a short Vegas trip to see KA and a few other options. One overnight, each with passing flights, while the other stays home with the dogs. I also booked a stay in Paso for Jen/I for our anniversary in February at our usual dog-friendly rental in town. I'm still mapping out other plans for Jan/Feb while I try to align things for an extended break from work and focus on some much-delayed, much-needed and much-overdue mental health needs.

It's been several days of parallel highs and lows. Lauren's visit for Thanksgiving was great, and she/I got to spend a good deal of time running errands and tackling a slew of tasks on Friday. But Friday night went very south when trying to talk to Tommy about his car's volume, neighbor's complaints and some aggressive tensions building around the neighborhood about it got ugly. At first, I tried to voice concerns and point out that the neighbors were right to have issues – it's a loud car and disruptive. He was on complete defense, very belligerent and dismissive and harsh. Painfully harsh. I am worn down and said things I know upset him (about his mom, my mortality, and how I don't want this to be how my life is spent). He left upset, and I haven't recovered from the trauma yet. Jen and I drove Lauren to Sac on Saturday. I wanted to see if I could get her car working. I could not. I'm more convinced than before that it's the starter. We have a game plan to get it towed to a local place for repairs near her. We dropped her off and returned home. We took the dogs for the whole trip. They did pretty well. We want to do that more often and stop being tied to the house because of them. I felt bad about what I said to Tommy and texted a brief apology. I don't want to be the low bar in this mess. I wish he could have been a part of the trip, but I know from experience how annoyed he gets, how annoyed I get, and how we're unable to enjoy something without tension, rush, or impatience. This whole situation sucks and reached a breaking point. Today, after he felt he had a right to drive his car onto our lawn when I would not move mine on demand, I wrote his final warning. Clear, clean, simple – follow reasonable rules or move out. I'm not expecting this to end well. It's heartbreaking to be so at odds. I know what to do at this point beyond getting aggressively ready to likely throw him out for good. I know he may have options to stay at friends briefly but not permanently. He pressed the other day on if I wanted him in my life, and I had to say, "if this is who you're going to be with me, I don't". That's painful as a parent. I am filled with angst, remorse, loss, anger, disbelief, and incredulity that any of this is necessary. Yet it was predicted in year one when we started as adoring fans and local servants. Jen's past her point of tolerance too. We're too old to be abused. We should not have to worry about coming home to the same dark clouds of angst and discord that we each experienced in our respective marriages. And my willingness to 'turn the other cheek' is gone. The house rules are straightforward – be considerate, cleaned n, and respectful, that's pretty much it. And that seems unlikely, too. Anyway, enough venting; I feel like I can't stop because I'm in shock and trauma. But Jen and I have plans tonight to visit Filoli for their holiday season decor. I want to break from all this mess and enjoy something positive with her. She needs a reprieve too.

Thanksgiving Day 2022. Lauren and I helped get things set with Jen, who did a massive amount of work setting things up inside and out. Lauren and I went to Madronia with fall leaves and new gratitude messages to leave on her mom's grave. I looked back at last year's entry when we took them to her in person in hospice, and it's still hard to comprehend how much has transpired since that time. It's still oddly surreal to put into context. We picked up my mom and returned to Panorama with her and three pies. One of which, the Apple pie, fell. The glass pyrex shattered into pieces, and we had to toss it, but Lauren and I picked away at the top crumble crust before doing so, as it was not compromised. It was a fun moment. Our guests for dinner were Jen's Aunt Connie, her daughter Jill, granddaughter Analisa, son-in-law Torsten and their dog Rose, came, along with Cynthia, Valerie, my mom, Lauren, and for a short while, Tommy. It was a good meal and conversation. It meant a lot to me that Jen got to host and include them. They'll be back tomorrow for breakfast. I went way off the keto path but will return Sunday and will remain on it aggressively into December.

Highlights: Positive meeting with the Data team and Growth marketing folks diving into data needs. Epiphanies and engagement abound. Good lunch with Marlin at Big Basin Burger Bar. Felt 'heard' and optimistic about the recent efforts to reorganize and structure the team. I have more confidence about the January plans too. I stopped at Madrona to visit Linda's grave while downtown. Still, such a complicated mess to sort, sift and unravel. And so many critical lessons too. Some I'm still studying. I heard from Marya – I need to follow up. Jen spent the day preparing for Thanksgiving. I picked up a small table for the garage red bull fridge off Craigslist and listened to the seller share her life story. I had to go and yet wanted to be considerate and allow them to be heard/considered relevant. Loneliness can certainly come to us all at any time. Lauren came down, and I'm so happy to have her with us; it's been quite a while. She brought her strong character to the dynamic as we played Skipbo into the evening.

Tommy & Scottie courtesy of Mary. Hair color harmony.

Jen made amazing Keto Donuts for breakfast this am. I broke back through the 170 line this am, and I'm on a roll for 160 again by EOY. I walked to Starbucks to WFS for the am, had some excellent productive meetings and felt optimistic about the day's outcome. The FMLA stuff is moving fwd, and I'll be taking a much-needed break in Jan at this point. How long is TBD, but I'm hoping for enough time to decompress for the 1st time in probably 20 years."Vacations" are never long enough, typically filled with more obligation than relaxation, and I need it later. Desperately. Mary came over with Jen in the PM to help her reorg the pantry. We ended up ordering Andale for dinner, Dom came, and we enjoyed some imported Italian wine and time laughing and talking. We are so grateful to have the friends we have. I installed the new dining room lamp, and I love it. Lauren's coming home tomorrow – yeah! Tommy hugged me this am and made a positive statement about his garage being so organized. However, I'm still keeping my distance, which was wise given the PM's conflict over my telling him that a neighbor commented on the noise level of his car (true), which he argued was not true. Why would I lie? Whatever dude. Oh, and today I learned that if you press and hold the volume button on the iPhone in photo mode, you'll record a video for the time the button is pressed. Amazing!

Highlights: Jen slept in a bit later than I did. I spent some time in the garage thinking over how I wanted to approach the next step – consolidating and reducing all the various bins, boxes and drawers filled with assorted nails, screws, fasteners, tools, and so much more. I set up the folding table as a workspace and set about the task. I confronted Tommy about my desire to retrieve the 2nd power strip (which has more substantive use than just powering the mini-fridge) and the wood blocks he had put in place to raise that fridge. I got pushback and grief for it. My threshold for his abuse has passed, and although I didn't rage, I did throw the issues back at him as his problem: he's damaged by dysfunction, entitlement and utter disregard for any consideration or appreciation for what he has. Jen and I shopped for Thanksgiving supplies, and she's pretty upset that instead of being at our planned dinner, he'll be going to Kathy V's family's dinner instead. That's pretty fucked up, but the last thing I want is somebody around against their will. Still, Jen's hurt. She bought broccoli just for him, at his request. I understand her being upset. But with all of her family visiting, I'm sure she'll be fine. And he'll likely show up for part of it. Meanwhile, his car's noise is yet-another-concern and one more thing I need to follow up on addressing. My mental health issues are largely about this dynamic, but I also don't want to dwell on it daily. It's simply an ongoing struggle and theme. I did make good progress sorting out all the bits and pieces into the storage drawers and shelves. I probably got about 70% of it managed and threw out about 30% of what I started with. I don't need 500 nails from a bin I've had for 4 years and used maybe 10 of them during that time. While working with Lauren today about getting her Mini Cooper started, we discovered that somehow, she was off the plan, and I was as well! Jen contacted them, and it all got worked out, but we had to apply for Lauren's insurance independent of ours. The plans for this week have changed because of this. Instead of my going up Wed to hopefully fix and bring it down, she'll take the train and Jen, and I will take her back Saturday. If we can fix it and get it running, I'll drive it down that day or we'll wait to take next steps in the following week. All good. Still 1st world problem.

Date night at La Foret

Highlights: Jen and I had a wonderful date night at La Foret. We took one of the wines she had shipped back from Italy, which was the best part of the meal. I like the place, but it's not "that" amazing, but the wine was perfect with the quail appetizers, prawns and the medium rare truffle-butter-soaked bone-in ribeye. Damn good! The day was a bit of a roller coaster day. I slept pretty well and wanted to work on the garage while Tommy was out with Vinny but instead of doing that, I went to drop some stuff at my mom's and help her with an email issue. Her Comcast account got hacked, and she's got some virus issues too. I'm already overwhelmed with trying to whack moles in my own life, let alone manage others' needs. But we managed to get her set up for iCloud at least, and Lindsey helped get her through the reset issues with a call to Comcast. I returned home, worked on the garage solo, and worked with Tommy on it. He wanted a clear space to work on a friend's car, and I tried to support him. But he's so pre-disposed to make smart-ass disparaging comments. In my current state, two things make my life miserable - the workload and his utter disregard for any grace and consideration I afford him. I was proud to ride it out as best as possible and even point out how we should work together and not do or say things that didn't move us forward. I'll never fully understand how he can't see the damage he's doing. It's the same as he did to his mom; she never lived to have a better rapport. I doubt I will, either. I had to try my best to apply all the 'coping mechanisms' at my disposal and take a 'time out' of my own to just get 'out of the ring' and chill out before dinner. I'm glad I did. The garage ended up working out well, and I'm hoping to put time tomorrow into further thinning out and organizing. It's overdue. There's a lot of 'stuff' still to sort out. Linda's things I struggle to discard. Camping gear I want to get into the hands of the scouts or others that can and will use it. The "free on craigslist" movie might be where I go, though. It works well. I also need to put time against some 'leave of absence' paperwork and research. There's a lot to align if I make this happen.

Autumn colors | Mulberry trimming underway

It's getting DAMMED COLD in the morning. Dog walks now require gloves, and I'm gradually accepting that taking both at once introduced complications related to intertwined leashes and coffee cup juggling between Jen and me. I've started to abandon the whole 'walk with Java' aspects of the journey. Lucky's still an enigma – it's hard to determine if he's got anxiety or just a simpleton who needs to run, chase, and sprint. I'm thinking the latter. My workday was good. It was another day that I stepped up and stayed focused and engaged. I punted on meeting RP for Coffee because I didn't feel up to the potential contention regarding work-related issues and just wanted to focus on clearing my backlog. And I honestly didn't want to be made to feel worse. It's good that I did, too, because Dr. Chin called unexpectedly, and I could take the call. I have been authorized to take an FMLA, and I'm wrestling with the decision. I'm anxious about what it might mean for 2023, but at the same time, it's a break I want and need for my mental health. I have pushed myself to a breaking point. I also got prescribed some meds that might help with the sleep, and of course, I'm wrestling with that too – side effects and dependencies always cause me concern. But at this point, daily meditations and (admittedly minimal) exercise aren't resulting in better sleep. And heck, at this point, I think I've developed a dependency on the "night sounds" feature of my HomePod mini. Coolest thing ever but not supported by shortcuts. Typical Apple. In any event, I do think the need to get more cardio and walking in would factor well for both my physical and mental health. Some colleagues have treadmills, and I've toyed with that idea, but I would much instead get out and walk. I also expect doing so would result in more attention and focus than standing at a screen with slack messages and other distractions vying for my attention. On a walk, I try to avoid getting hit by a car when crossing a street. Lauren didn't get her car checked today but will tomorrow. It's a 1st world problem, and there are solutions, so I'm not stressing about it. Neither is she. Tommy's working on his car again tonight. His grades are not looking good, and there's little time left for recovery, and nothing I say or do results in anything changing, so I'll let him carve his path. Perhaps when Vinny returns, there'll be more motivation. Jen's work situation remains uncertain, but all indications are she's lined up for redeployment. Between my taking some time off and her being redeployed, a lot may be changing for us in 2023. It's hard to know the right course of action, but it's not like the past year can be repeated. Accepting that we have to adapt to a change in income isn't appealing, but if 1/2 the pay resulted in 1/10th the stress, maybe it's worth it. I keep reflecting on a time management course she was taking earlier this week. The instructor reflected on recognizing 'work time' as the 'shift' and the off-hours work. The AM prep time, the PM catchup time, and the hour or so each day spent outside the working hours thinking about and trying to solve work issues. It's shocking to think that I likely spend a minimum of 12hrs "working" each day and that stress has taken my quality of life to a discouraging place. Oh, and I bought Jen a gift today. We, but mainly her – 1-year membership at Filoli, allow us each to bring one additional guest. I scheduled something for us the weekend after Thanksgiving to check out the estate in the evening and the holiday lights and decor. But mainly, knowing how she enjoys the natural beauty, it's something for her to have as an option to go with girlfriends. This also means we'll get to take in the spring seasons and, if we time it right, get the discounted admissions next year for the holiday events before the pass expires.

I woke up around midnight Tuesday to the sound of Tommy being up. I assumed he was getting food or something, as I had known him to do, but instead, he came into our room. I was initially irritated that he didn't knock, but he thought we were asleep, which makes sense. I felt terrible about the irritation once he shared how sick he felt. I got up, and we sat in the living room as he described symptoms of abdominal pains. He asked if I could take him to Urgent Care, and I said yes. We went, it was closed, and as we drove and talked, it sounded like something stomach related. He's had issues over the past few months like this, and my gut (no pun intended) suspected some persistent stomach bug or other intestinal problems. He had me pull over on the way, but we found some meds, and he felt awful all night. I had little sleep. I've taken on the aggressive stance of enforcing time tracking at work, and I'm angry that people still don't get it. Angry. I should not have to ask twice, but each time I do, it's getting terse and direct. Do your fucking job. I'm doing mine. Last night I went to Harbor Freight for an air compressor and Costco for various things. I picked up steaks tonight, seasoned and sealed for future sous vide. I'd also picked up macadamia nuts for Tommy, but shortly after eating them, he had the stomach issues return. It seems that's a common link, as it's tied to Tuesday night too. So those are off the menu for the foreseeable future. He's been fantastic lately, and my engagement to help him sent a good message. He reorganized the tools after I asked him, and even though it took multiple days and asks, it was more than I expected. Of course, the night went south when I got called names for saying that I didn't want to deal with his complaints about the tools and garage usage. He can't stop and see anything beyond his point of view and how anything affects him. Like mother like son.

Highlights: Tackled a slew of tasks Sunday at home. Hanging a rack to hold some of the vintage menus on the wall per Jen's suggestion, adjusting the front sprinklers so as not to spray his car per Tommy's suggestion, assembling a table for use beside the BBQ, setting the French planter under the window [temporary foundation until time or circumstances allow for an upgrade], replacing batteries in a dozen or more candles and a handful of other tasks. We got an impromptu invitation from Jon and Cheryl for dinner, and I tasted all three of the Sangiovese wines they brought back from Italy. The differences between the three were incredible, and it was a blast, although a violation of my keto initiative to do so. This morning Lucky got to reunite with Aussie up the street. Jen made an excellent breakfast for us with Chicken sausage cooked in a waffle maker! Today's work day was another 12+ hour one. I have to pull the leash more than I should on some people, and I'm pissed that I have to do so, but I'm not yielding at this point. Matt B dropped by to give us a Harbor Freight Inside Track card, he was in the area, but I was in a meeting. Tommy used it to buy a floor jack. I'm glad he did since he works on his car frequently, and this gives me a sense of added safety when he does. He also changed my CRV's oil, and it runs a lot smoother because of it. 

Accomplishments: being fully engaged at work even though I'm overwhelmed.

Goals: Getting up a bit earlier so I have more time for morning routines.

Anticipation: Phone appointment with Kaiser tomorrow.

Gratitude: My daily mediation ritual is solidifying again, as are the habits that help me focus on success.

Mediation Presence Gratitude Calm Action Friendship Family

As much as I wanted to sleep in this morning, the words of Marcus Aurelius came to mind – is this what I am here for? So I got up, got Jen up, and started our day. After walking Scottie, we tried a new option for containing the dogs. The 'barrier' idea we used for the recent party, putting a plastic shelf as a blockade with chairs against it, and closing the pocket door, worked well. We enjoyed some 1:1 time sharing an apple chicken sausage omelet at Los Gatos Cafe after getting Philz coffee. We returned home and trimmed both dogs. We also cut their nails, which required getting creative and using salami as a distraction. It worked. It took time, but it worked. We then worked together to go through the garage on a "toss or donate" pass to thin some stuff out, and that worked well. We tossed a bunch of things and took a bunch of stuff to Hope. They weren't accepting donations, but there was a pile of things outside that we added to. We found some decor for Thanksgiving. When we walked out, the stuff we left was gone, as was all that was there. We returned home, she made some excellent food, and I played in the backyard with Lucky. I stayed off my computer for most of the day until late afternoon. It felt great to step away; I need to do so more often. I did detour into a few work-related needs but not more than an hour or so combined. I have a swelling desire to start outlining the book I've been hoping to write if it feels like it's time to make that a higher priority. Oh, and I found some new music via Apple's "Adult Rock" radio station including a band called "The National" which I seemed to have missed during the past 10 years. Talked to Lauren and I'm so enjoying her maturation and experience in Sac.

Accomplishments: Made another dent in the garage clutter. Managed frustration well re. the condition of things left by Tommy. Installed the gate closure spring in the back yard. Kept pressure on staff following directions.

Goals: Listening to some more podcasts on topics recommended by Denise that help me with managing frustrations.

Anticipation: Getting some additional stuff sorted in the garage.

Gratitude: Family - it's more frequently a conscious act to pause and reflect on what I have and am experiencing.

Walkers in waiting | my new outdoor office space

Highlights: yet another insanely busy day. Good GNO last night with some feedback and shared insights have me considering some options to improve my quality of life. Discussed with Jen and then with my counselor. Great session there, too. Got some great feedback as well and good direction that feels like another substantial step towards further growth and more "QoL," too. Jen made three awesome PSMF meals as we kicked off a 4-week program. I'm grateful. We had a nice meal together before I dove back into work tasks. I'm genuinely happy daily due to her presence. My work day just ended with my 1st emailed weekly status in over half a year, and it was packed with all sorts of direct, clear, obvious issues needing resolution. The AM meeting with the team went well, I think, as I laid out some pretty clear directions about daily routines, visibility, teamwork, and all that stuff. I still need to put some time into the remaining critical path needs, and I see it as catching up/making up for times I've been less engaged without reason beyond disregard. There's a balance to be found. That's pretty much true about everything, though isn't it? And yet the imbalance makes for the highs and lows that make this whole 'life' thing such a thrill. 

" Some of its magic, some its tragic, but I've had a good life along the way" - Jimmy Buffett

It's not having stepped in dog shit that makes me facepalm as much as not realizing I've done so until after I walk through the house. 🤦🏼‍♂️

A pleasant start, with a moderate drop in weight, which was welcome. I'm working to exit 2022 at a desired annual average, and I'm looking on track to do so. Dog walk included coming across a nice patio table being discarded by a neighbor that I picked up for our backyard use. Lucky's still on my shit list for pissing. But the cleaning efforts of myself and Jen last night and tonight appear to have managed the issue well enough. Lucky is officially an 'outdoor dog' when we leave the house. We're considering a few other isolation ideas, but he's best put out back if it's not raining. Work was non-stop chaos, but I felt present and engaged and pushed back where appropriate. I heard back from Bonnie Bradley and met her and her Brother Scott briefly tonight at Starbucks. I gave her the box full of her mom's menus with all the notes and dates and such on them. She was grateful, and we talked about the house and our parents and aging and all that jazz. I ran the idea by my mom and followed up by giving Bonnie her email so she and her siblings could coordinate visiting the house. I can totally relate to that concept. I'd love to go back to Friar St and see as an adult the home I only knew as a child. I did Tommy the favor of getting his tires from Goodyear, and I did him the favor of putting them on the side of the house too. That was actually for me.

As is customary, even having proactively cleared and installed barriers in the back rain gutters in advance of the first rains, the front went unattended, and I wound up in rain gear on a ladder removing debris so the water could flow. Sigh. It's all good. These are annoyances but also 'good problems in the grand scheme. I'm trying hard right now to reinforce this mindset as Jen faces a layoff, I see transitions in the workplace of my own making that may compromise my position, and I lucky fuckin' pee'd on the couch while we went grocery shopping tonight. I was furious because I had other plans for the evening beyond 3 or 4 passes at managing the cleanup, and the dog did this about a week ago on our bed, too. But I'm trying hard to see it like the gutters. An annoyance but the risks and price of home/dog ownership. I'll say this – we're done leaving them in the house. When we go out… they'll go "out" too. Rain or shine. As shown above, they have rain gear. Work was good again - hectic and impossible to do anything during the day. My meeting with Marlin about the roles, responsibilities and such leads me to believe that bringing on more help will result in my not having a role or responsibilities in the long run. And I'm trying to be ok with that. Because I feel like a change is needed, and this is not how I want to spend my days. My mental health is at risk at this stage. It's interesting to have been discussing 'retirement' with friends recently and reading articles about ones value being tied into one's job. I'm cognizant of that. I consider many of the people I work with to be family. If that routine stopped, it would be jarring. If Jen's circumstances change and mine follow, who knows what might come along to replace that? Something is exciting about that. Scarry as hell, too, yes. But it's on my mind as a probability at this point.

Final Vinyl

My recent obsession with recapturing what I considered to be “Landmark” records I had in my youth came to an end today when Grover Washinton's “Winelight” arrived in the mail. The very last one on my list. A list that was initially easily one-quarter of what it became throughout this endeavor. 

I started out looking for maybe 20 or so key critical game-changers. Aja, Crime of the Century, Holst’s “The Planets”, George Benson, Dark Side of the Moon, of course. Along the way, I would recall other major landmarks as well as milestones between the landmarks. Landmarks were game changes. Hard rights. New roads. Chuck Mangione, Tom Waits, Joe Jackson, Pat Metheny, and Mark Isham all played a key role in opening new avenues, while others like Elvis Costello, Roxy Music, The Eagles, Steve Miller and Fleetwood Mac provided the groundwork between each major transition. (Fleetwood Mac covered both with TUSK).

My list grew, my search continued, and my weekends for the past 7 months or so were spent going to flea markets and scouring used record stores. I’ll admit that, in part, it’s been a coping skill and a way of avoiding facing other issues and demands that still need my time and attention. But even as an admitted diversion, it’s taken me back to a time and place of significantly valued memories.

I have been aggressively selective, too, rethinking and removing ones bought on impulse that didn’t really fit the firm criteria I set forth and not getting vinyl past when I started getting CDs instead. Therefore, favorites like Scarecrow, Listen Without Prejudice, Leap of Faith, August and Everything After… they’re not represented in this collection.

Today’s arrival was the last one. 125+ releases, maybe 130, total. Each had enough of an impact to have warranted this effort. I play them from time to time, and sometimes I stream the audio while taking the LP out to look through the liner notes and enjoy the concentrated experience once again.

I wonder what I’ll focus on next.

No filter

Highlights: It's my paranoia, intuition or insight, but my latest discussions with work about the stress levels and demands will result in my being phased out. Or perhaps it'll result in something good. Or both. I'm not sure. I mentioned previously how hard it is to just 'trust' that somebody will see value in you and allow you to take a needed hiatus. But as a business owner, I'd be covering my ass too. I get that. And it's ok. I think whatever will happen will happen. Meanwhile, even though I was going to be taking the day off today to get organized and stay sane, I still worked, attended meetings, and managed things well. I proposed a new structure of functional units and teams but got pushback. That's part of the problem – the lack of ability to define and evolve my team without somebody's approval and agreement. Again, it is what it is and will be what it will be. Enter Doris Day. Nothing else of significant substance to report beyond Jen's last sabbatical day. We took the dogs to Sweet Retreat to celebrate. Nothing for them, though. She's nervous and anxious and in good company. Yet another situation where whatever will be will be. We'll be ok. Sometimes I think the stress of trying to maintain employment is more than the stress of finding a simple individual contributor role would be.

Two Antiques - a hand written correspondence, and actual physical paper concert tickets

Highlights: My "sunrise" light/alarm woke me this morning, and after getting up, I realized It was only 5.30, not 6.30. I assumed I messed up the alarm's timer – I didn't know until later that the time had shifted to daylight savings. I seldom don't know about or see that coming, so it was a surprise. I started thinking about tomorrow's workday, and my anxiety went through the roof. I drafted a game plan and told my boss and HR that I'd be working but not attending meetings as being on PTO to have the time to focus on some critical next steps. I visited my mom and helped her with a DVD player setup, fixing computer issues and other assorted things. It was a good visit. I'm trying hard to get to a place where I'm less inclined to get worked up over temporary things and, ultimately, what isn't? We had a good conversation along those lines. I returned and, with seething frustration, took it upon myself to move some of the crap Tommy left in the garage to the side alley. My efforts to not get worked up didn't last too long, but I did recover moderately quickly from my place of frustration. The idea of clutter in the garage takes me back to 2012, and I don't want to be reliving that ten years later. I reached out this week and connected with the daughter of the people who lived in the house in Cupertino before my parents moved in. I am going to give them all of the menus that got left in the attic with handwritten notes on them. There's some wonderful history, and it's only fitting that they have a chance to have these remembrances of their parents. Jen made enchiladas again; they were excellent, but I only tasted a few bites. She and I met Matt B for dinner, then saw "Big Head Todd & the Monsters at the Campbell Heritage Theater. 2nd row. Excellent performance - far more guitar-heavy than I expected, but that was in a good way; I gained a deeper appreciation for his skill.

Highlights: Still wrestling with a massive workload and daily chaos. Reaching a breaking point in delegation and engagement on a few people, I'm going to have some direct but hopefully positive discussions with folks this week as I try to reinstall more accountability and less autonomy. Not sure yet how that'll go. I enjoyed the party Friday (see Crossing Streams post) and woke up early this morning. As I lay in bed with Scottie on the pillows above our heads and Lucky between us, I felt a strong sense of gratitude and awareness of the temporary nature of it all. I rested my hand on Jen's hip and thought about how much this meant to me. Her, the dogs, the friends, the experiences we're having. Just… life. It's so easy to get obsessed, lost, frustrated, or even elated about whatever is happening at the moment, but to step back and realize all of it will change and end for me, makes me value it all the more. Why I stress about anything at all is sort of idiotic in that context. Tommy witnessed a likely fatal accident this morning, and I recognize that as another reminder not to lose touch with the larger picture. I rested my hand on Jen as these thoughts crossed my mind. I've told her often, as recently as this morning, how much her presence has been a gift to me too. We went to a "Soup Pot Luck" tonight at Mark and Lynn's. Jen made wonderful Tomato Basil soup. Seriously one of the best, but all were excellent. Matt's Artichoke soup, Dave and Marie's vegetable beef, Mark and Lynn's Tortilla soup and "Cock and Leek" (chicken) soup, and a cold cantaloupe soup. Brent and Kim came by too. Brent has his health challenges, and that's always at the forefront of my mind when I see them. I make the most of what we have. And I'm trying to stop being as focused on what I want to say or share and listen more to others. There are as many, if not more, great stories to be heard than there are for me to tell.

Crossing Streams

Man, that was a fun party! One that met and exceeded both of our expectations. It was something of a milestone and turning point, too. It was our first large gathering at Panorama since moving in. We invited an intermingled group of assorted friends that had not all met before, and we got to fully experience how well the way we set up the house and patio allowed us to do this in the first place. 

I had high hopes going into the evening. We have both wrestled, intermittently, with the history of the house and a 'vibe' that seemed to take a while to diminish and evolve as we made it our own. We also spent a lot of time strategizing on how to furnish it and create an environment conducive to interaction, conversation, and engagement.

The Mid-century sofa and chairs I got from Care2, the wall of unique and historically significant artwork, and the coffee and end tables from my childhood provided an inviting area for our guests to sit and talk. The dining room table we brought from Matson worked perfectly as a serving place for wine and food. The outdoor lighting, patio table, heat lamp, firepit and sofa all got used with superb comfort. The one dozen stemless wine glasses we bought last week did their job well without a single break. (We have a history of issues with stemware).

I selected a specific background music set from my "60's Console" playlist, which comprises the vinyl records I've sought and bought to align with the theme of the classic Zenith unit manufactured within a year of my birth. As were the records. Not wanting to get up and change records every 17 minutes and not wanting to "shortcut" the nature of intent, I used a conversion turntable over a week or two to playback and convert the records to MP3 for continuous shuffled playback.

The guests included people I had never met before, all the way back to people I've known for 45 years. People I've known since high school, from my time at Apple, through Tommy's cub-scout troop, through Jennifer. Fifteen or sixteen people in all.

The impetus was to take a big bite (sip?) out of an overwhelming supply of wine. Through clubs, GOBM sales and experiments and tasting-infused impulse purchases, we ended up with more wine than we had the space to store. But that was an excuse, if not an opportunity. I just wanted to have a party. 

I had visions of the party scene from "Breakfast At Tiffany's" with drinks flowing, laughter echoing, and cha-cha rhythms setting a beat to an inebriated attendee dancing on a table until passing out to a cry of "…TIMBER….!". I even told Jess and others to "put your coats on the main bedroom bed" because that is what my parents did when they entertained.

The wine, the chatter, the laughter, the music (including the 1961 Henry Mancini soundtrack from that very film), the coats. It all happened. Even the weather was ideal - crisp but not too cold—all but the dancing and passing out. So, in essence, there's room for improvement.

Jess said, in Vegas, that I was "Crossing Streams" by starting to bring individual cliques into overlapping circles. It started earlier this year with a few concert outings, and it worked. It worked well. It struck me at the time that the legacy practice of isolating and segregating clusters of friendships was absurd. Just a learned behavior. Bringing them all together has proven to be a far more enriching experience.

As I walked about and engaged in various interactions, I watched and relished seeing all of these remarkable people come together. Jennifer and I would occasionally touch one another as we passed or exchange a glance or a few words before we continued to enjoy our guests enjoying meeting and exploring their perspectives and personalities.

As I said to Marc and Christy, I consciously refused to bring our TV when we moved. As I have often said to my kids and others, I don't want to spend my life watching other people live theirs. I want to live my own.

We most certainly did so last night. We're both already thinking about what we can pull off between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Highlights: A good all-hands meeting, albeit rushed, due to others going long. Richard was AFK, not feeling well, but I suspect it's burnout. He's at a conference Thur/Fri or should be, so I'll be working out some options for labor division discussion. Otherwise a good work day. Lunch with Donna and Marlin discussing my workload overload. It went well. I got my points across and felt more supported than I had imagined. It's hard to trust I'm being valued. I don't believe it's sincere because I don't feel it for myself. I guess I have trust issues along with everything else. Along with wearing slippers to lunch, that was a faux pas. But we laughed about it. I had a good conversation with Lauren tonight, and Tommy was pleasant too. I tackled many languishing tasks, voted, and assorted stuff like that. Oh, and I've not been taking Gabapentin at all. I've been taking "Naprosyn" for the past week. I didn't read the label. Yet another situation that could go wrong if not managed. Anyway, back to the drawing board.

Like Father, Like Son

Highlights: Slept better for a chance, seemingly thanks to Gabapentin. Hate meds but hate not sleeping more. Will see if it helps again tonight. Chaotic work day due to endless meetings and a few firefights. I'm putting time into more product needs but it's still more than reasonable to expect me to have this all managed. I'm hoping to get some things resolved this week though: handed off/delegated and more boundaries on expectations too. That's it - that's my day.