Highlights: I went to Oakland this morning to attend the 4th Annual "Spirituality and Beyond" event at the Henry Kaiser Auditorium. The "beyond" part turned out to be my element and comfort zone. I arrived way earlier than necessary. The nature of blight in that area was unlike anything I've seen before. The attendees appeared far more like deadheads than I'd anticipated. I resisted my impulse to leave, and I am glad I did. My discomfort dissipated during my waiting time as I walked about and tried to see beyond my judgmental assumptions and recognize a shared humanity. The gathering was smaller than I had expected, but the first two speakers had a lot of things to say that I found insightful. I left around 1 pm, stunned again by the state of the area and very consciously grateful that I have been as fortunate as I have been to have all that I have as far as family, friends, opportunities, and options. Dinner at the Marioni's was a nice way to end the day. I helped Tommy study for his EMT test, and I am impressed at how well he did and how much he has learned and memorized. The topics of EpiPens and nebulizers took my thoughts back to his childhood and his own first-hand experiences, having to grow up with the level of anxiety that existed in the home then.

It was a beautiful morning. Having just rained, the air was fresh, crisp, and as the sun rose the scattered white clouds rested gently in a clear blue sky. our 8am appointment at the Costco tire center gave us an opportunity to sit together and enjoy a coffee at a nearby "botique" shop. My intentions for the day, to be more present and less distracted worked well and I was rewarded with a sense of calm. Even after getting notified that there were issues removing the wheels due to over-torqued lug nuts. Ok. It is what it is, I gave authority to attempt to force at the risk of breaking, and hoped for the best. After about 30 min. with no callback we assumed all was ok. It was. I also stepped back from my typical need to direct and deflect the buying experienceand let Jen run the show. We now have a very well stocked freezer and pantry. I ran the handful of items man asked that I picks up over to her while Jen tackled and inspiration to clean. As I left my mom's I found to lug- nuts in a baggie in the eupholder. Checking the tires I found each of the 2 front one's were missing I bolt apiece. Another opportunity to choose my response and, although I do believe it was a communication fail, It was nothing to freak out over. I returned them and made a note to pickup replacements. Once home I put a consciously limited amount of time against a few online tasks while using most of the afternoon to catch up on some paperwork, filing, wine storage in the crawlspace (we are up to likely 90 + bottles down there at's point!). Dinner at Mark & Christy was for I did well sticking to my plans. It was fun to take in conversations and with littlelexceptions, listen instead of talking. Making a point to do so takes me out of the routine of thinking of or planning a response. Also, when there's already so much going on it's hard to keep track. My hearing can't easily filter out parallel conversations any more! Ugh.

The "Louie Schwartzberg and Jack Kornfeld" online event this morning was terrific. I started to listen while starting to do other things habitually, but once the introductions were done. The conversation began, and I realized that something important was being said, and my attention was divided fragmented, and I needed to decide what mattered most, I ceased all parallel activity, sat down, and listened. What moved me to do so was hearing them making multiple references and using very similar language and even one particular physical reference to the energy of a dead tree burning, to bring my focal need to the forefront. It was a short event, only I hour, but I was inspiring, validating, encouraging and motivating. If broyght me to a realization that I need to spend a bit more time with before writing about much further, as it requires a relatively bold move on my part. I met with Chuck Hutchcraft in Saratoga to help ensure he had all he would need to be successful during the month he's spending at Jikoji. I enjoyed talking to him and have a feeling we will reconnect again, perhaps even align some of our respective goals. Jen and I took Ruben sandwiches to my mom to visit at dinner time. She is still exhausted but has already started to show improvement. The evening back at home was spent addressing some further tasks relating to trying to control something simply because I can, because I believe I have good ideas that will make them something better, and as I did these things I was reminded again about what I know I need to do to move forward. It's not what I was doing. That's all distraction, identity and perhaps subconscious avoidance getting on my way. It's on me to take the uncomfortable and awkward steps to shift these patterns. I'll continue working on that tomorrow.

Mindset: Contemplative. Reflecting on the moment, not last nght, and not today, beyond commitments to people and places. I'm recognizing, as I beleive I hvae befoer, an attachment to responsibility as an identifier. And to being right. Both are habitual weakness. Both are distractions. Their absense can provoke discomfort and uncedrtainty. That off balance feeling, discomfort, apprehension, nausea even, have been points in the past few years where releasing my grip has allowed the greatest insights and growth.
Goals: Limit time wasting time - tech related stuff: get in, get it done, get out. Listen to more of the backlog of growth related podcasts while doing yard and house work. I am looking to minimize, including facing the remaining items of historical significance to Linda that her family doesn't want. Maybe I'll reach out to friends before sadly relinquishing to craigslist if the value seems to warrant the effort. Either way, relinquishing things that meant something to her and are her legacy feels like a betrayal of her spirit, while the reality is it's all temporary and I've retained and incorporated so much already. Actually, wow, while writing this I remembered the Cancer Society option where Jen worked with Cheryl. That's exactly where this stuff belongs now. Going towards funding support and aid for those facing what she did, what mom now faces, and more. How I didn't remember that option is not worth reflecting further on, acting on it is.

Efforts to review and realign are working well. Awareness of the value of the opportunity to experience any of this is returning, overshadowing the idea that any incident somehow deviates from what should be occurring. From the dog needing to be let out to pee to my mom's terminal condition, there is nothing that "should be" otherwise. That is just what might be preferred, which exists only in the realm of thought. It is a desire, not reality, to imagine that if "X" did not happen, "Y" would be assured. Grief and sorrow are genuine emotions for genuine reasons, but for me, the delusion of control, the act of second-guessing and "armchair quarterbacking" are where disappointment and frustration live.

Date night at OJ's w/Jen (last night) 

This was a good "recovery" day for me. By that, I mean that my perspective and presence both improved, bounced back, and realigned with what continues to be my core intention. The situation with my mom stabilized after a good conversation with her and Lindsey, revisiting the events surrounding the E.R. escape. She indicated having no memory beyond the visit to the local ER until waking up in Stanford Hospital in a state of panic and confusion. I was there and knew how it all played out; I can't fully understand her experience. It doesn't matter. What I want to take away as my life lesson is to release this sense of obligation to have answers and fix things and to make sure she has more support available, not just through me but also through Lindsey. I'm trying not to get lost in taking the blame for not seeing this coming by applying the lesson to future instances, which there may well be considering the terminal diagnosis. I had time this morning to enjoy a good walk and talk with JS (although some of the talk was me on the phone with family), And I have been writing a lot on my "remarkable," which now needs a bit of review and clean up, and has been the bulk of the little free time I had tonight. In fact I'm going to continue after sending this.

Morning mindset: Regression to resentment. The "practice" aspect of mindfulness is often noted to imply an ongoing controus daily aspiration. There is no "end" to the act, no level of awareness you arrive at and stop. Like a tightrope walk, every moment is a balancing act. Every shift, even those imperceptable ones. necessitate continous adaptation. Stability is perhaps maintained in fewer consecutive moments than those spent needing to realign. And that is where I seem to be.to day. Stopping, wobbling slightly with outstretched arms and shifting hips. Accepting "what is" requires releasing the illusion of control, and as I was learning about in more detail yesterday via a podcast or two, the science supports how complex the inner working at the subconscious mind can be. All this "default mode network" and learned response and "fight or flight" stuff appears to be highly active for me of late. As is my recognition of it, with a reasonable confidence that I will adjust my balance and continue forward, not by looking behind or ahead, but by being fully in this moment of intention.

It's Tuesday? Seriously? It's only Tuesday? Well I guess not working can mess up your exposure to routine things like, oh, what day of the week is it. Shit, a few days ago I locked up on the month! I see a dementia questionaire on the horizon. The dermatologist visit today was a bit of a flashback. I went to him a couple of times a few years ago after being unable to return to a guy I'd been seeing sporadically back in the early 2000's. I'd lost my tenure after a span of time and he was not faking new patients. So I found this other guy in the local area and got my dermo needs managed there. Earlier this month I noticed a growth that was clearly "BCC" and reached out to schedule an appointment. They had since moved. He now shares the same office and practice with my prior guy! Crazy, right? And yeah, it's BCC, so "MOHS" is in my future. I was and still an fatigued and took it easy today. I spent a good deal of time writing and thinking about some of the areas of my past that have influenced me in both positive and in negative ways. Lindsey helped my mom out again today and is staying with her tonight My perspective on things is returning to normal with rest, and I am going to return to helping out Thursday. This will hope­fully be the last heavey round. We will know more tomorrow. Jen and I had a date night at original Joes. Hamburger Steak w/cheese and onions, Meatballs, a phenomenal bottle of 2018 Bianchi Petite Sirah - Deep, dark, and earthly... to the point of fasting the stems. Oh, and cheese cake for dessert. It was a great slice of time together that we both needed.

I am still recovering from the shock of my mom's leaving the hospital in the manner in which she did, and the condition, too. The whole thing is filled with conflicted emotions. Resentment & Empathy have been sitting on my shoulders all day, whispering over each other. Ultimately, it's her life, her rules, and my takeaway is not to expect otherwise. The added depths are yet to be explored, a lot is starting to surface after this and come conversations with by brother, niece and cousin. Tommy was as shocked and pissed as well. I'm taking a couple of days off to reset and adapt before continuing to engage. It was a welcome break today, too, after dropping her off and returning her car, be done for a while. I am not done caring, continuing to work with my niece on her generous offer to step in, and triaging upcoming appointments. I'm just done being that engaged. Nothing else of substance to share unless ordering tires or finding dog poop in the garage, or realizing that the landscaping isn't working out as I'd envisioned. Yeah, nothing of substance.

Pandora's Escape Box

Round one of the treatment took her “blood count” (AML indicator) from 20 to 1. As I understand it, there is good reason to assume the second round will likely result in remission, at which point she would transition to a less intense ‘maintenance’ program.

Round two has been harder for her. She’s been fatigued and dehydrated, and her bloodwork warranted blood transfusions.

She has not been aggressive about hydration and nourishment, resulting in increased toxins in her system. She’s been prescribed sleep medication that she’s indicated is not helping. And then, this...

I'm exhausted. I was up late and throughout the night, sporadically, as it can happen. It got me thinking about the nature of our circadian rhythm and how misaligned it must be with our cultural and societal habits. Especially when you factor in screens and FOMO, it's a bit of a clusterfuck, wouldn't you say? I also wonder what evolutionary impact it might have over time. How will we physically adapt to this relatively new way of "being"? If you can even call it that. I think it's more of a way of consuming and stimulating. It might have played into my sleep issues, come to think of it. The weekly Jakoji planning meeting was today. There is a "design by committee" aspect to the way things evolve that can draw out. I may propose that a smaller committee be defined. The lunch with Martin was pleasant, as always. It turns out his treatments are at the same facility as my mom's. It's a surprise we have not run into each other yet. Yet. After leaving and debating turning left to my mom's and right to home for a short wait, the decision came in the form of a phone call from her. She had a very difficult night and was massively fatigued. Unable to stand or walk without feeling light-headed. I called Stanford on the way there and got directions to try to get her into the scheduled appointment, where a scheduled transfusion would likely help with the symptoms. Or call an ambulance to get her to an ER. She felt she could make it to the car. I stood by, ready to assist along the way, including supporting as needed. She made it, and traffic was surprisingly light at 2.45. Once there, she was checked in and taken back for the transfusion process, so I ran home briefly to get a bit, see Jen and return. While at home, I got a call from the nurse saying she was getting started and it would be about 3 hours! Whoa. That was unexpected, but I guess it's typical. I stayed at Pano and returned around 6 pm. Tommy had gone over after work to see how she was doing. It turns out that the combination of the chemo, a double dose, dehydration and sleep deprivation, combined with her very low blood pressure, all had her on the edge of hypotension. Her BP was 94/32. She was at high risk for passing out, which could cause all sorts of trauma and damage, given her age. We were in good hands there; they got her transfusion, hydration, and BP back to 110/48, which is 'stable' for her. We also came to realize she's been taking BP meds for years, which was likely another factor in the issues. I'm staying at her house in my old bedroom tonight to be on hand in case of issues, but I expect nothing but a good, restful sleep for both of us. Oh, and today, while sharing the backstory of the background of a Sangha member's zoom setting in the morning meeting, I learned that the artist Georges Seurat died within a week of contracting diphtheria at the age of 31. Seeing "The Bathers at Asnieres" in London decades ago was one of the greatest milestones of my life experience. It moved me and still does to this day, especially having sat and studied the textures and strokes in person. To realize that he died at 1/2 the age I am now makes me long to accomplish something of lasting substance while I'm here.

Secular Skepticism

How much of my experience and this increasing inclination towards a more existential view of existence, one embracing the idea that there is a state of awareness beyond what we have a standardized understanding of, is an awakening, and how much is a delusion?

Another long day - 6 hours of appointments with Mom took up the first half. It continues to be a rewarding experience to be helping. Still, it's time-consuming and, at times, exhausting, including trying to support while recognizing the wear, frustration and underlying unspoken sadness we likely both feel, understanding this is a literal lifetime battle with a predetermined outcome. It's about time, as it is for us all, what we do with it, and how we spend it. So when I get irritated, I return to that recognition as a 'home base'. As Matt said tonight, there'll come a day you might say, "I wish I did more," and that's what I'm hoping to avoid happening again. Once home, I enjoyed a quiet dinner with Jen and spent the evening in a long phone conversation, sharing insights and experiences with someone who's been through something similar.

Morning Mindset: Secular Skepticism. I'll write more about that separately. The combination of software updates and pairing Tommy's watch to my account seems to have locked my AppleID as a "security measure". Gee. Thanks. It's got me questioning the value of technology again. Convenience vs time spent maintaining and managing. I'm sure I'll work it out this afternoon. The drive to pick up my mom by 7:30 was painfully reminiscent of the daily commute I dealt with for years. 85 was a parking lot, and I felt a surge of anger and resentment at myself for not having anticipated it. As if I should have any more than I already had. As if being 5 min late would reflect poorly on my character and capabilities. The internal conflict and judgment I put myself through are insanity. It's absurd. I was pleased to be aware of and able to 'run ahead' of a level of internalizing this further. That was rewarding. Even as I was driving her from her home back to the cancer center within 2 minutes of my home, the recognition of the reality of her circumstances overshadowed my frustration at the inconsequential issue with what amounted to maybe 10 min of delay. Once at the building, her lab work was done promptly, and we now have a 90-minute wait before the next appointment. I thought breakfast would be nice. She's never been to LGCafe, but she prefers not to walk about any more than necessary due to pain and sleep deprivation.
Goals: I will maintain awareness of the gift of being of service to my parents while releasing expectations of anything other than what it is.
Anticipation: More reading and podcasts this afternoon.
Wants: To crest the apex between my intention and action.

There are days I feel like nothing gets done, and then, a day like today comes along, where it's non-stop knocking off of tasks. Lucky's looking sharp with a new grooming effort. The BMW's alignment issues were resolved and much less expensive than I'd imagined. I took a two+ mile home from the tire shop and found a new podcast I liked along the way. The slow-leaking tire is repaired. I want to create powerful magnetic fenders for cars that pick up nails before they can do damage, as this is getting old. It took a bit of work, but I fixed Tommy's blinds after re-pairing them to the control. The Sous Vide of two tri-tips tonight was awful - just not good meat to work with. We're spoiled with the Summit Store but need a closer option. I cleared off and replaced the stovetop labels.

Morning Mindset: I'm breaking slightly from my routine due to the 8 am grooming appointment I've made for Lucky. I'm sitting, once again, at the Starbucks next to Petco, drinking what I consider a tolerable compromise between my ideal home roast and Denny's. The place was empty 30 min ago, and it's backed with pickups and loungers like me. It's a nice change of pace. Ideally, I should be walking and listening to something, but the follow-up appointment at Goodyear means I'll have a chance to do so then. And I'm tackling a backlog of Jikoji tasks. I'm thinking about making a weekly commitment to stay on site as a way to ensure I get the right time and opportunity to practice and continue working through the precepts. I have to consider a range of factors. As I sit here and watch people come and go, I see such a wide range of people all living their own lives, and it reminds me of how fortunate I am to be one of them. My "days left" reminder went off a moment ago, telling me that, barring some unforeseen deviation from the average, I have another 14+ years. That's sobering. I need to start singing louder as a voice in this growing choir of gratitude and presence. The Death Cafe was a great start, and I'm hoping to build on that and on the opportunities at Jikoji to get more experience and credibility.

Goals: Lots of out-and-about tasks to tackle today - focused on those.
Anticipation: TriTip Sous Vide dinner tonight.
Wants: Continued inspiration.

Highlights: A reconciliation came about in the form of a run to The Summit Store for sausage. These incidents do occur fewer and farther apart, and as my earlier post conveyed, I continue to work on disconnecting my triggers. Played CardzMania (Sheila and Matt tied for 1st place) from the backyard. Matt's retirement plans make me want to know more about my future, while some of me feel inspired by my interests and opportunities. There are many moving pieces this month that may play into that. The rest of the evening was very relaxing. I listened to a few podcasts. The one Jess sent about a host's experience with ketamine was reflective of my own experiences and will directly inform my already-being-coordinated next exploration.

Tripped and Triggered

I have no logical explanation for it, but around 2 a.m., I woke feeling highly agitated, as if I had consumed caffeine before bed. Yet I had not. I was tense and aggravated, practically wanting to slam myself against a wall a few times in an attempt to loosen or dissipate the sensation of tightening muscles.



I tried to be mindful and calm myself, but I could not. I moved to the guest room to get out of the space I was in, and it seemed to help enough that I eventually fell asleep, albeit lightly and fragmented.

It was an active day today. Lauren caught the 8: 53 train back to Sacramento. It was a joy to have her home for 2 nights. After dropping her off (note to self: avoid any future attempt to get out of the area between 8 and 9 am, as it's filled with backed up cars dropping kids at 4 different surrounding schools at that time) I went straight to pickup my mom for her multiple appointments. The bloodwork and then the bone marrow work The bloodwork came back good. Hef numbers are coming back up. No transfusion tomorrow. Now we wait for the bone marrow report. That will be interesting, and hopefully very positive. I returned her home and headed to Madronia to pay my respects to Linda on the 2nd anniversary of her passing. Back at Panorama, I enjoyed sitting outside with Jen and the dogs. We spent the evening catching up on "curb "episodes. Tommy had a full day between work and EMT class. I hope to use tomorrow to catch up on some Exitidy upgrades and tasks and to also look at a couple of educational opportunities that are opening up for me. There's continued synergy happening. worth paying attention to.

It's Quiet Uptown

Two years ago today, at 11:45 a.m., Linda Patterson (Mitchell) took her final breath, surrounded by myself and our two children, their faces against hers, speaking words of love and gratitude, saying goodbye in a manner absolutely as I know she would have wanted.

No event in my life has had as significant an impact on my character and mindset as that moment, all those leading up to it, and everything that's been playing out ever since. Ours was and, in many ways, still is a complicated mix of resentment, remorse, regret, resolve, and resignation. I am still learning from the experience to this day.

Morning Mindset: Reflective Curiosity. How did so many things unfold during the past few years to be where I am now? Literally and figuratively? And how do I live in the moment without regrets and without attachment to anything yet to come, accepting anything as it occurs? That's a tall order and a struggle to consistently manage. Intention and expression are critical when comes to external and internal interactions. What I say to myself and to others. How I react vs act.
Goals: attend to mom's needs. Write. Make a few crucial calls and outreaches.
Anticipation: Research the training opportunity that's now in front of me.

Today was a good day together as a family. Tommy and I cooked up the 'bourbon' and 'corned beef hash' sausages. They were not as good as the steaks, and we were all disappointed, but they (the steaks) set the high bar, so who's blaming whom? I was distracted earlier by the sound of repetitive movement, and they remembered they were coming to dig out the rest of the dirt. Damn, there's a lot! It's much more than I imagined, and trying to get that picked up without drawing attention will be dicey. Dirt is HEAVY. I went out after they finished and started setting out the cardboard. Before I knew it, I had one side done. Jen came out and helped with the other. Meanwhile, the fucking gopher(s) are back and appear to be decimating the plants. If that happens, fuck it, I'm just going to let it rest as is until I can put the time and funds into something more sustainable. We lingered about for most of the day, running a few errands, including going and looking at a Tesla I am lusting over but can't quite bite the bullet on the (near-term) cost. I guess we'll have the BMW a while longer. I'm not too fond of that car. I Sous Vide the steaks Tommy had prepped last week and realized on first bite that it wasn't Rosemary he'd included in the sealed bag. It was Lavender! It was not bad but rather interesting, and it was a one-time mistake. I ran Lauren to Yogurtland for Mint Yogurt. I wrote, and they played Skip-bo. It's been a joy to have Lauren here. I hope she's enjoyed being here - I realize she's got a lot going on in her head right now, and I want her to feel supported but not pressured. So, I'll tell her that. She's heading back to Sac tomorrow am.

I arrived at the train station just as Lauren was calling to tell me she was there. Good timing. Good times. She settled in and played with Lucky to the point that he was laying in front of the water bowl with his head in it, lapping up water between panting spells. Happy dog! Francisco arrived just as we were leaving and worked further on the dirt clearing task. Lauren and I ran a few errands while Jen worked on her colors class homework. It's a very cool curriculum and she's learning some useful skills. After Tommy came home, we picked up dinner at Aqui and visited my mom. Tommy got his acceptance letter from San Jose State. I got the patio cushions out after Jen cleaned up the seating area, so we are ready to start spending our evenings outside! We did so, even dragging out and setting up the heat lamp. I of course await the outbreak of mosquito bites. We had a pleasant evening at home, all of us. These are the little moments that I love to be fully present in. They come and go. What's the Ferris Bueller line, again?


Morning Mindset: today's mindset is a little convoluted. I had a fantastic time with Jennifer and Wendy at Velma and Kelly's house last night. Walking there and back and enjoying the nice spring weather is so pleasant. But I drank too much. And every time I do, I regret it the next day. I have been limiting the amount of alcohol, but once I get a glass of wine in front of my hand, I only sometimes remember that I might regret the second or third. So I'm gonna remain conscious of this more aggressively as I really have some physical goals to work towards that the alcohol takes me away from. I'm excited that I'm picking up Lauren this morning; she will be down for a few days. We will see Grandma tonight, and Tommy will join us for dinner there. Otherwise, we'll just play it by ear and do what comes around.

Goals: Get out. Get movement. Get sun. Get happy!
Anticipation: Lauren's visit
Wants: More self-control

A new day dawns. it's bright outside, birds are chirping and I feel a pensive sense that today may bring about one more step in "the right direction". This morning will start with our first "Death Cafe" event. I was thinking briefly this morning about how it came about; the decades of interest in living wakes, open dialog on value and impact, my own ongoing exploration into a point of complete comfort with mortality, Linda, Jen, going "Zen", and faking it until you're making it. It's a continous practice and effort to maintain, let alone sustain. This past week felt like my classic struggle between impulse and perspective. All around are opportunities to distract or attract, wherein conviction and confidence determine the direction. It will be interesting to see where things go next. Lauren is hopefully coming down for a 2-night stay, so my attention will be on enjoying familytime.

Put another pin on the GOBMap… Sunnyvale? Check!

Highlights: 4 min before midnight so, rushing this, but not so rushed that I can't throw out a GOBM reference. It was a great day all around. Mom's doing well, Tommy's doing well, Lauren seems well too, and I'm balancing life's experience with more gratitude than attitude. I enjoyed a visit with Jen at Christy and Mark's with Leona, discussing all sorts of ideas and philosophies about our lives, wants, mistakes, and misinformation. That last part was my podium, and I stood strong and confident behind it. Enough to note here that I feel a growing confidence in my intention and abilities to engage in thoughtful dialog seeking input and insight while not taking a stance of insistence to know anything beyond my own experiences. It feels right.

Highlights: So many, yet another excellent example of how much can happen on what you might too easily refer to as a "nothing" day, were you not stopping to remember at the end of the day? It all started with letting Jen sleep in as I like to do. I "fed in bed "the dogs and sat to meditate. I did well being present and aware of the space, and the sudden seasonal change. Tommy got up and went to work while I finished writing. We took the dogs for a good walk, talked about the sudden seasonal change, and all sorts of other things. Once back, I set about my intention- garage clearing. I did a good 'job moving and reucing while figuring out the Rubix cube in real-time. It all came together well. I re-posted the free mulch offer, got a ping and 30 minutes later the mulch was gone. Tthe green-waste container was free again. I split the contents of the single between the two, tossed in some leaves and weeds, and I am now confident it will be taken without pushback. Whew! I followed up with my mom about some medication updates and she had a hard time with the details. She is overwhelmed. Understandably. I showed compassion and empathy, and we got on the same page. I found and hope to buy a 2nd Remarkable 2 tablet on Craigslist that I want to send to Eric in Colorado. I would think he would tell me if he had gotten one. I was moved tonight to stumble across a photo David took a couple of years ago after traveling to and visiting the graves of our great-great-great grandparents. I think the past few years have evolved my appreciation of such an endeavor. It shows respect and honor to a legacy passed. The Omana scale arrived, this will be an interesting addition to my daily routine, and my resolve.

Mindset: suspended suspense: The year to come feels loaded with potential. Growth, success, loss, conflict, challenge, demand.All of which seem ultimately within my control by by how I perceive and respond to them. If it has not happened but is inevitable I can be proactive, other­wise I would do well to focus on the outcomes I desire by acting in accordance with it being a reality. already. Not on the trappings of "what if" scenarios.

Goal: Day 2 of home based efforts to organize and thin, clear and clean.

Anticipation: Podcastathon.

Wants: Autonomy.

'Circa 1979 - and I still have it!

Highlights: A rather interesting day. Lots of varied thoughts ran rampant. Would it be politically incorrect to reference that my period must be starting? I woke to find that Scottie peed in the garage. Again. And not on the designated pad. As much as I want to attribute it to age I believe it's at least part lazyness and having it as an option at all. I think some ongoing re-training is needed. The day was almost as productive as my intentions coffee was roasted, weeds were pulled, poop was picked up, and a slew of podcasts kept me thinking about things like growth mindsets, living consious of dying, and more. I got a pleasant call from Lauren and we talked about a wide range of things. Tommy got a coupleof Rib Eye steaks from "Summit" grocery up highway 17. Local sourced. We sous vide'd one and it was quite impressive. The quality was unquestionable. I made modest but noticible progress working through some garage clearing It's a high priority so we can start getting the kitchen remodel materials on site. we made a quick run to my Mom's so Jen could get some help with a colors class need. we enjoyed the brief visit, but I was needing to get home before the dog pee'd in the garage again. We did not. He did. my mom is anticipating a good test result next Monday given how reasonably well she has done with the treatments. I would not be surprised.

Highlights: A moderately good day. Irritation has been an undetone. I'm restless, anxious and feeling continuously in reaction vs action mode. I don't like being in reaction mode. It makes me, yeah, restless and anxious. I did get some tasks tackled, including the upgraded sink soap dispenser, which seems to be working much better than the former. I also cleared the front yard sidewalk section by the gardener - it's queued for my work this week to do the same 'kill grass' treatment as the rest of the yard. Which means I'll be making a Costco run for slip sheets tomorrow. I sous vide a steak, and we took it to visit my mom. She's in good spirits and is doing well. We'll see tomorrow how her bloodwork comes out.

Mindset: Irritable calm. I continue to observe a pattern in my mood. Behaviors that influence my attitude and outlook. I have found a correlation that warrants further consideration. And a possible change of habits. I will explore that and report back. I found the "Tibetian Transitional State" seminar an informative waste of time. I did my best to give the presenter and topic the benefit of the doubt, but it was not "my jam"; per se, it was a deep dive into the mechanics and rituals of a cultural approach to death and dying. Athough I did get some ideas of ways to approach my intentions around leading discussions, it was a rather pricey event with little value to me, specifically. Mark and Christy came over for dinner; Jen made an incredible eggplant dish, and they brought a salad and dessert. And a "silken". It was all delicious. I enjoy having social gatherings here, maybe only half as much as Jennifer does. I am hoping we can enjoy the patio and outdoors this year.
Goals: Emphasize calm and reduce irritability.
Anticipation: Dinner with my mom tonight, and hopefully another moderate week for her treatment demands.
Wants: more consistent focus and control over concessions and compromises I later regret. That will reduce my undertone of annoyance.

Lauren has been in my thoughts, mainly due to her having shared an intention to take a semester off. I fear the obvious: lost traction and a failure to return. It's brutally hard to balance allowing the independent right at 20 to choose your path while anticipating it may lead to a less-than-fulfilling life. I want her to see her potential so badly, yet she seems to carry forward influenced by doubts cast during her upbringing regarding her ability. I also want to trust her choices regarding the people she associates with, but I am cautious about not knowing them. Protective. This is hard. Parenting is hard. Adulting is hard. Being faced with so much uncertainty is an absolute; if you consider it, it's a reliable constant. The only certainty is that there is no such thing. It's easy to be caught up in everything that should be. Politics, equality, and human rights are all about ideals, subjectively and without agreement. None of it matters, including my own unique and relatively unreproducible worldview. I will continue to do my best to guide her with my own experience while reinforcing my unconditional support. That's the extent of my abilities. The day otherwise has been another productive one. Mark came by to talk about kitchen and bathroom remodel ideas. I need to make space in the garage ASAP so we can get all of the materials on hand in advance. It's a hard step to start spending money when we have limited funds. I am trying to trust that it will work out, but that's not my nature. This begs the question, shouldn't I trust my instincts? When I have, things fall into place. Seemingly.

Morning Mindset: It looks like it'll be a really nice day and I want to use that to get some needs addressed around the house. My weed-pulling effort yesterday gave me a sense of satisfaction as well as, wait for it… control over nature. HA! I have others 'spring' told of yard work and clean up to tackle and perhaps the windows will be part of that. I think it would be a great way, too, to go about catching up on a wide array of content in podcasts and Audiobooks. I have a backlog of Huberman and of EndWell listens to take in. Mark's coming by to help assess the leak issue/concern in the back bathroom and perhaps take on a few other ideas as we work towards getting some further improvements addressed. We'll see where that goes. Today's "Daily Stoic" was an excellent one. A favorite about not giving power to your thoughts away to other people, and not being prone to judge others, either. It's so ingrained to do so and it seems so pervasive that even a look you perceive and receive can set a tone for r hte day of connection or isolation. This area is one of high sensitivity for me in both directions, and I want to stay ahead of the curve for myself and the betterment of others. Even the most 'selfish fuck' you know is really not a bad person, they're just not aligned with your values and that's ok, as you're not with theirs either.

This was a full and good day. I'm tired, but I will make an effort all the same and quickly. Great coffee again. I roasted another variety in the same steps. It came out quite interesting, and it'll be our starter tomorrow. Mark's going to help with some plumbing stuff. I'll have to save him a cup. I won't make the Jikoji call, which is fine. I have other things to do. The AM appointment for my mom went well. A very good, kind, articulate Nurse Practitioner met with her and explained a lot. It is so touching to recognize this as a scene from a documentary about people's final phases of life. And I'm the son in it, and I'll be a voiceover in the last segments. Sigh. On a good note, the tests are still good enough to defer infusions. Oh, Tommy didn't care for his full-day ride alone for an ambulance company. Lots of exposure to hospice and care facilities. They can be depressing. I picked up my beans from Martin, packaged them, and set them aside. Almost 9 pounds would cost me 1.5 times as much within having all the control over the outcome, freshness, and all of it. It's a fun hobby, too. I played Farkel with Lauren via Zoom. I'm struggling with letting go and allowing her to make poor decisions, but I am trying to be balanced. Parenting has yet to get easy, and it just shifts around like a loose cantaloupe from the groceries in the trunk. We watched some 'Curb' and 'Last Week Tonight' too.

Mindset: Why does "cautiously optimistic" routinely come to mind as a morning mindset? Why does "cautiously" need to be included? I suppose that is a habitual learned way to control my role or part in an outcome. Yet why not just be optimistic without the caution? If the optimism proves warranted, great, and if not, the caution may casts a shadow of doubt that could ultimately play a role in the outcome. I will target unconditional optimism for today. 

Goals: Wash windows. Shuttle men to appointments. Coordinate some handyman needs with Mark.

Anticipation: Mom's bloodwork outcome.

Wants: Exitidy to generate true revenue by June.

Highlights: Although I did manage to get up and into position for it, the test Zoom of Zazen fell short die to "default off" settings for sound and video. Learning experience. Likely to try again tomorrow. I took Scottie in for a haircut. #5 FTW! He looks so fucking cute! But he was shaking and I felt bad leaving him there. It's so odd how different these two dogs respond to other dogs, people, situations. I made breakfast once we returned. There was a flurry of email activity around Jakoji financial stuff and & reiterated to Bryan that I do not want to be involved in that. My plate is too full. My mom's doing well. Well enough to be angry about her phone bill and about not having "her cat". She even joked that it was a sign she was feeling better. OY! 1 day at a time, right? I sent out a draft weekly email and we played "Oh, Hell" with Jack and Judy. The Zoom timed out but we got on a speaker phone call to bridge the gap. They won the game and seemed to enjoy it. We well play again soon.

Mindset: Hmmm. I want to say "growth" because it's the concept of a Huberman podcast I started earlier today, but I think I will go with "reflective" instead. As I sit in Starbucks with Taylor Swift's "Nothing New" followed by "Back to December" blasting overhead while being drowned out by patrons and staff singing along, I feel old, yet new. Obsolete, yet foundational. Insignificant, yet essential. The narrative of this music echoes the creative outlook of youth, the kind of storytelling I correlate to "Thunder Road" or "Right Here." Perhaps just as my father's generation might have felt Roger Miller or Woodie Guthrie conveyed their life experience. It's as if I am watching a life-cycle play out from the outside, knowing I already had my turn. Looking over my shoulder, I see my mom watching me from where she is, feeling a similar association with the passing of a more finite amount of time. It's hard not to feel sad about the impending loss of this awareness, this experience and this identity. Am I only this, or more? My inclination of late has been to narrow, not expand, the circle of influences while I work in greater isolation on taking it all to a place of broader exposure. I don't have space to fill or allow. This is a change from a prior tendency to relate my self-worth to my availability for others. Could I be gaining the confidence to put myself first, at last? I believe so. As is my tendency to get lost in the very limited space that is "here, now." All while Scottie sits in the Petco next door, awaiting or already in the process of his grooming appointment. He wasn't happy about being left. It's never easy. It's gotten worse over the years. After I pick him up and return him to Jen, all will be right again. The rest of the day is open to address a few goals, hopefully. But there might be a leak issue at home, which also tests my resolve to not react to moments as permanent, when they're passing. What the leak issue might be will be resolved in whatever way necessary. Getting stressed or even frustrated about it, as if it's a personal slight, is an absurd waste of time.

Highlights: After a few short errands. I took a walk with Jonathon to LeLe Cake. I tried a "Sinini "or "Sirinki "or something along those lines and brought a lemon tart back for Jennifer. We played cards online with Matt, Sheila, Steve and Diana, whose beach stay has been extended because the snow in the Sierras pretty much prevents them from being able to return home safely. I was excited to learn today that I will be joining Frank and Rich at the Forum for a "Death Cafe" next week. It's timely, too, because this Saturday, I will be attending an all-day event based on Buddhism, death and dying. It feels like more doors are opening, and I am trying to embrace the opportunity as a way to move further into a new chapter. It's proving to be challenging because I am very much of a realist and science-based. Being a Stoic, a Buddhist, and a rational thinker does not fit well into what seems much driven by a spiritual awareness. Finding a space of comfort here, where I can explore the intersection of science and spiritual experiences without wearing tie-dye hemp or professing to see aura's, is a thin tightrope to walk. The mystical needs demystifying.

.... and sometimes, sleeping in can be restorative. The silence between discussions around doctors and mortality rates contributed to a more restful night than most. I even considered getting up for the "beta" Zazen-Zoom effort without knowing it would happen but returned to bed instead. And it did happen. It will again, and I'll be there. If that initiative pans out, I may donate the other iPad now, as it's not a necessary or utilized object to hold onto. My morning routine of staying off tech may evolve to allow for this. Ideally my, self discipline would be sufficient to not need toremove temptation from my path, but get a tray of warm tortilla chips and cheese queso in front of me and see what happens.. Yeah, I need to maintain a conscious focus on the long-term goals. Speak of which, It looks like I will be attending a full day Buddism based "end-of-life event on Saturday. I was reading "Being Upright" last night and found reading about interdependence and the self wildly familiar. much. He-to Stoic texts, it resonates. if it makes sense, it feels validating, in a way, of a lifetime of ideals and interests. I thought more about this and recognized how belief systems, philosophy or religion might manifest in someone's life like this. If it were a polar opposite belief-8 would likely not entertain it. It begs the question: does the person find a philosophy or does a philosophy find (as in, gradually make sense to over time) the person?
 Oh, and I recently found an opportunity to smile. Out of context. In what otherwise might have been a contentious situation. It changed everything for me, my experience, and them. The smile came about quite naturally, resulting from realizing in real time that the tension was insignificant within the scope of my life, theirs, and any living being all the way down to the unseen ant walking along a nearby floorboard. It was all just ego and opinion, neither worth our time. Perspective is a powerful asset
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An Old-Fashioned Petri Dish

Highlights: Sometimes, getting up early feels good. I like having time alone to mentally "warm up" for the day ahead. As the weather appears to improve, mornings afford more light and warmth. I am still deferring coffee for 90 minutes and still meditating and writing. I have struggled with the technical limitations and user experience issues on the Remarkable, but I have embraced the writing experience and the isolation it affords me. Mornings without getting on a device would be ideal. I am looking into this as my next new habit. I made breakfast for Jen and I. Dinner too. House-husband is in 'da... uh... house. Yeah. My mom's lab appointment was a reasonably quick one. I spent time visiting before returning home. She later called to share that she did not have to go in tomorrow for a transfusion, because her results did not warrant doing so. That was good news; she seemed understandably happy about it, too. I have a relatively optimistic outlook for the near horizon but a realistic stand on limited time. I feel like it's my role in this final stretch to be the catalyst for her eventual graceful and humane exit. The evening closed with classic piano jazz in the living room with Jen and the dogs. I love the space we are sharing. It still stuns me that we ended up here and have made it our own.

Mindset: Minimalist minded. My inner minimalist has awoken from a winter's state of complacity. Maybe it's an internal reaction to an impending spring or the subconscious triggers of time at my mom's. I have a desire to clear dotter. I don't have that much, relatively, but there are still opportunities to thin out some drawers, cupboards and closets. I am also doing some simplifying of my daily morning routines. my "Habits". I continue to work on striking the right balance that allows meditation, reading and writing without the distraction of technology. That pretty much demands leaving my computer and phone out of the equation. So I'm looking at a few opportunities to further simplify. These posts being a target for said refinement. I will say though that Scottie's routine of sitting with me in the morning as I write is not negotiable.
Goals: Get some yard work done, read more on the precepts.
Anticipation: Mom's Lab work today hopefully being indicative of stability.
Wants: I need one of those 'non-stop-acomplishment days, but this isn't gonna be it.

Highlights: The Death Cafe was an inspiring experience. A good deal of what continues to unfold for me feels like an affirmation of decades of lingering curiosity and interest. We'll see where it goes, but this could be a significant part of the year ahead for me. Tommy and I made a GOBM run and then Jen & I went to visit my mom, who's doing well so far with the medications. Once home, in the later part of the evening, Tommy walked out of the house relatively abruptly and came back in about 10 min later with tears in his eyes, reaching out for a hug. He got it. It turned out he stumbled across a slew of voicemails from his mom during the time she was in the care facility that he'd either never heard or forgotten about and it took him off guard. We talked a good deal about them and the experience. I was grateful to have had him open up and to have been there at the time. This could have come up in a wide range of situations where this would not have been the case, and I'm grateful for that and for his trust in me to open up. It's a really healthy thing to do.

A new day begins. Opportunities abound, choices await, and at this moment I am cogniscent that I will likely move a few pieces about on the board game of existence, without any real connection to an outcome. I feel like a long term strategy is missing. And that's ok. Part of this process is aligning my intentions with an understanding that there are other moving pieces, too, impacting my potential. I continue to survey their placement while allowing my instincts to guide me until I find myself within reach of a substantial and defining "next move". I am looking forward to attending a "Death Cafe" event with Rich and Frank today.. This is something I feel I can and should be doing as apart of my path and interest. I have been stalled by a comfort zone barrier, like an ant on a white paper within a drawn black circle. The judgement of others - friends - still impacts me. I sensed that last night when not shared a reference to my Boulder experience. Eye rolls and look-aways. Why? Because it's unfamiliar and historically taboo? Yet there is a n overwhelming movement in the psychology and scientific community pointing out all of the benefits and positive results for individuals as well as society. Fear blocks them. And fear blocks me from breaking off from a need for acceptance from historical associations to align with those who aspire to be living in the same waking state.

Highlights: I enjoyed a day of relative leisure today, nothing of substance to capture here. We went out to dinner with friends in LG and returned to open a 24yr old port. Wow. The cork was saturated. It crumbled like blue cheese on the way out. It wasn't as awful as I anticipated but it's nothing to hold onto either. All in all an interesting experience.

23yr old Cab from mom's closet. Did not improve much with age.

Highlights: A long morning at Jikoji, misty and rainy and mudslide closed road on the way down, so wove through to Stevens Creek. Mom's started Veneclax. Dinner with Mark, Wendy, Tommy and their kids. Keeping it brief. Tonight.