French Toast breakfast. Tommy off to Extra Hour again. Lauren found the boots and bindings she wanted at Sports Basement. They had the boots in Campbell, bindings in Redwood City, so we went to both places. Now she's second-guessing if size 5 is too small so we'll return tomorrow to Campbell to see how the 6's fit. She found great deals though, saved hundreds off retail and beyond working out the size issues she's pretty excited. We used Tommy's LBSteak gift card for dinner, covered the difference and got the Tomahawk Medium instead of Medium rare. Enjoyed with a 2014 Reserve Sangiovese which was wonderful. A lot more concerns about their mom's well being including some really bizarre texts and even a neighbor friend reaching out to Lauren wanting to take face-face with her. Something is very off, I'm thinking it's related to meds, and I'm hoping it's a temporary situation. It might end up that Lauren calls her doctor, the one prescribing the medications, about it tomorrow.

Decent low-key morning. Tommy went to EH for camps. He's worked out arrangements to get paid a salary and he's very excited about this next step. I think it's great that he's having the opportunities to gain the experience and growth opportunity. The day turned dramatic when Lauren called voicing concerns about Lucky having issues with rashes, infections, eye issues and more. And there were issues with getting her mom to take action. I felt trapped between enabling and helping out. In between all that I was also working on hte dryer issues. After a call from Gilbert, the appliance repairman, it seemed like the issue was electrical not the dryer. I notified Zach and he came by with his father-in-law, and we checked and narrowed down the issue, confirming that the dryer was shorting out. Pretty dramatic to see how the plastic shielding was melted off. Ahtoough I don't see it as something I can't fix with replacement parts I don't want to mess with it and don't have the tools or experience it warrants, so I sent pics and details to Gilbert for his reference and use in advance of coming to fix it. Enjoyed a 2016 Syrah with a great pasta dinner. I revamped some of my daily goal tracking to streamline and improve focus. I have more thoughts about the increasing drama around the kids and her mom but I will dive into that another time and another place.

I got up and got right to work on ensuring we made it out the door in time for Tommy's 8.45 lesson. While I gave myself a full hour, he spent 20-30 min f'ing around on his phone. Lauren was better about it, but still, what is so difficult about the idea that you FIRST get all the work done and only then, laze about with any free time you have left? We barely made it out and barely made it there on time, only to find he'd forgotten his helmet. Something maybe he'd have remembered had he not been pressed for time, right? That resulted in Lauren using hour 1 of his 3 hr lesson and him only getting 2. Darius brought the helmet, he got it, and Lauren and I jumped on a call related to her vision and driving options. It was a good call and we left with some next steps and a pretty good feeling that we would find options for her. She went off to ski, I putz'd around the village. Tommy caught up with me, then Lauren, and we left around 2. The drive back was decent, although wet and snow-ish over Donner Pass. We returned to Matson and Scottie was quite excited to see us all. We walked him, I dropped Lauren at Pano and returned to play with him for quite awhile. Jen ordered and received the new coffee maker, which also does hot water for tea. It's a luxury I enjoyed at the cabin and she had 'points' to burn. I could not get the dryer to work, and the likelihood is it's a thermal fuse but it could be the outlet itself, but that's less likely. I'm going to just pay to have it fixed, as the effort is more than I want to mess with. I had a nice time getting away but it's great to be home and tomorrow I'll return to my routines.

2nd AM at Tahoma cabin, both kids took off for Squaw while Viktorija stayed for a break. Work went well and Tommy reached out wanting asking if I could pick him up mid-day, as he was sore and done. It was a close call but I was able to do so, and still have time to be present for the 1pm mtg. Returned to get Lauren at 3.30, drove around to take her into Nevada for a few minutes so she could check off another state. That makes 5. Returned and ate some leftover steak and shared another bottle of Martin Ranch and even finished off the last of the Uncle Nearest 1886 too. Kids shared some 'issues' going on w/th their mom and I reached out offering a reasonable amount of support and assistance while also pressing that she not put the kids in a compromised position. Getting things coordinated for early AM run to Squaw where Tommy's taking an am lession and we'll likely head back around 2pm-ish. It's been a fun trip. I'm glad to have tomorrow off. Oh, and today I learned that Black bread, "Jewish" sausage (smoked), butter and tomatoes = the typical Lithuanian breakfast. Fascinating.

1st day at any vacation rental is the day you figure out how to use the coffee maker's timer. Coffee was delayed but all worked out well. Everbody took off to Squaw for the day. Tommy was there w/Eric and Carl and Lauren got to experience it anew w/Viktorija and the crew. Breakfast was 'fend for yourselves' but tomorrow's gonna be steak and egg burritos due to left over steak from tonight. I worked, and before going to Squaw to pickup Tommy and Lauren, I prep'd the steaks I'd bought after getting some cooking times from Jen. I walked about the neighborhood and, before getting the kids, headed up to Incline and Nevada side. The late is simply stunning in the winter, it's not something I've fully experience or appreciated but I really appreciate the seasons that can be experienced her. I'd welcome the chase to retire in a lake house but I don't have 5+ million laying around, so, that's not an option right now. Lauren helped w/the steaks and they & the asparagus turned out great. Paired well with a 2015 Malbec. Tahoe Creamery ice-cream desserts. Started to feel the walls closing in as the kids played games and dominated the room, when the GNO option popped back into my heads and I jumped on the call for about 40min w/JS and JG. Plan for tomorrow is get up and make breakfast, work and perhaps go explore, maybe even hike a bit before kids return. Not sure what 'll do with Thursday, considering a full lake-drive, as spending 6hrs at Squaw feels like 5hrs more than necessary.

7116 Wilson Ave, Tahoma ca 96142

The day started out with Lauren calling and saying her mom was not feeling well, and then it devolved to covid concerns. She also had Lauren calling or texting her friends at her direction in order to ask them to check in on her, and she told her not to tell me, either. WTF is going on? Not good. But she tested negative and I got her and V and we headed up at 11.30. The drive was good, but I was overly cautious and made sure I was safe in the rain and snow conditions. The cabin is really great. Simple, clean but spacious in that there's 4 bedrooms with queen beds and that's a pleasant setup. We stopped and got food, then I ran Tommy's charger and shoes and stuff to him near Squaw and back. Enjoyed some pastrami and Swiss sandwich we got at the nearby market. Shared some Uncle Nearest 1886 with Darius. Lauren realized at 10pm that she forgot contact solution so we had to run to Safeway in the snow. It was great. It was a fun opportunity to share the experience of snowfall and high beams. It'll be a lasting memory for us both. I miss scottie and Jen but I'm looking forward to some sunny days, working remote and taking a drive at some point to sight see a bit.

My 'binge' last night had me up at 2am for several hours. Every once in awhile I am reminded that my body has become too sensitive to excess, be it whiskey or carbs. I got up, cleaned and read and returned to be around 5am. Somewhere during the night the dog crapped on the floor. I assume he tried to get our attention and I was dead to the world. At least it was 'solid' and not liquid, which came later. His trip w/Jen the day before messed him up. He's more sensitive than I am! Jesus. I caved, shaved the mustache off and trimmed the hair w/#4. Got Aqui to go and watched The Grand Budapest Hotel w/John and Cheryl who's recovering well from hip surgery. "Writers Tears" whiskey was awesome, too.

Enjoyed 1:1 AM w/Lauren. Tommy's doing well in Tahoe, shared some incredible shots from "Eagles Nest". I'm thrilled, while terrified, which is a rather extreme feeling. House to myself. Cinema documentaries, a little wihisey tasting too, and some time with Hamilton. A fun, welcome and much needed diversion. I'll get back on track tomorrow but for today, I'm having a great time just unwinding.

Lauren's delicious home-made, without a recipe, enchiladas!

AM walk w/Tommy ended by my turning and walking home alone. His belligerence is intolerable at time and I want that clear. Enjoyed the day free of work demands. I worked through 300+ "notes" dating back to the 2013. Lots of stuff related to the divorce and such. It was a lot to go through but I got things organized in a manner that will help me focus. GOBM run w/Lauren, got dog-food supplies for Jen and on a whim, enchilada makings for Lauren. And they turned out fantastic. Tommy didn't take action on Tahoe ski passes and they're sold out. Eric appears to have options for him. Dropped him at Eric's and Eric seemed frustrated that he was late. He's responsible for that and so unaware of the ethics at play. Hopefully he'll mature before he burns any bridges. They're off tonight and it appears Tommy willl likely stay w/us and Darius and  crew too. That'll be fun. Cramped but fun. Note to self - bring sleeping bag and pad for him.

Woke to a stunning sunrise, and about 18 seconds into a mediation audio, the phone rang. It was Eric in support calling about a website issue. Ugh. But, with calm patience, I reached out to the key players and ensure it was triaged. It went well. The rest of the day was low/no event for work. Picked up Lauren and Andale to-go. Later the kids went out with a friend for a bit. We watched "Merchants of Doubt". Wow. The very points I've been raising in recent conversations about "dark money" on full display. What a great documentary, and what a sad state of affairs. How anybody can put profits about legacy is beyond me. But that's my nature, not everybody's. That's about it for tonight. 

It's been a decent couple of days. I'm continuing to tweak some habit goals, increasing some, reducing others. I want the right balance wherein I don't find myself doing things begrudgingly or out of obligations. It's about long and short-term desires and objectives. Tommy and I went on a good walk Monday am and may again tomorrow. He's knee-deep in his business ideas. I keep working to ensure he focuses on school, but at the same time, he's driving, motivated and knowledgeable, and good at what he does. So, I'm just trying to focus less on control and more on encouraging balance and completion. I met with Linda at AAA to help with w/the transfer of ownership paperwork. It turns out I wasn't needed, as the title was an "or" not an "and" ownership. In either event, I pulled her aside and voiced concerns over her well being. I pointed out recent examples of behavior I have noticed and statements overheard from the kids. She insists she's fine, just anxious about money. It's a fine line I'm walking when discussing finances. I have a good deal of resentment around it. Lauren asked me about going to Tahoe with Viktorija and her family. To make a long story short, she's going, we both worked out the logistics with her mom, and I'm going too. It's with a family I know/trust as far as covid risks go; their daughter and Lauren are good friends and, I can't pass it up. I need a change of scenery. Lauren's excited, too. Win-win. We watched "A Kind of Heaven" on Amazon. It's about "The Village" retirement community in Florida, and it was very well made. There was great cinematography throughout. There were captivating characters and plot lines. And, it's an actual documentary, not a production. It's fascinating to imagine the 'bubble' that exists, yet the complex emotional conflicts that life in a bubble can not resolve. I watched or listened to fragments of the impeachment testimony on days 1 and 2. It's stark and undeniable that the actions of January 6th were the outcome of the former president's non-stop delusional rhetoric. It's also unlikely that the GOP will hold him accountable. The hypocrisy is disheartening. Jen and I attended and enjoyed our bi-weekly cards game. Oh, and today I learned that Tommy's friend Vinnie abandoned his Instagram business effort because it was no longer profitable. He said it's too much work and an elusive moving target. Fascinating.

Referenced last night - The Easiest Person to Fool on "Hidden Brain" Podcast

Physicist Richard Feynman once said, "The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool." One way we fool ourselves is by imagining we know more than we do; we think we are experts. This week on Hidden Brain, psychologist Adam Grant describes the magic that unfolds when we challenge our own deeply-held beliefs.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000507359305

The Dog woke me up at 1.30 am, exhibiting all of the same behaviors that previously resulted in him having explosive diarrhea in the street. Twice. I tried to get him to do it in the yard. No dice. I threw on a t-shirt, and Jen joined as we walked him at 1.30 am through the neighborhood. His pace was one of urgency, as had been the case before. He was momentarily distracted by an Oreo sighting but resumed the frantic walk quickly. Mid-way around the block, he "made," but nothing like I'd expected. The pace continued, and we returned without any more incident. All this on the night I was trying to get sleep due to the 5.30 am wake up and drive to Dodge Ridge awaiting me. I got about 4-5hrs sleep, total, interrupted. I got up early to start the coffee, and the damned machine has been getting slower and slower. Mental note, clean it out. Mineral deposits are building up within. We picked up Vikjtoria and headed out. She slept most of the way and I listen to a fascinating episode of The Hidden Brain, an NPR show. I'm hoping it'll be on Apple Podcasts tomorrow. It was about how people think, how people struggle with conflict when challenged, and how people don't separate the' task' aspects of seeking truth from a personal attack. It was great. I hope to find it because I want to read the book. We made good time, parked, and I got Lauren's bindings reset, had her board waxed, and had a stomp pad added too. I listened to two chapters of "The American Story: Conversations with Master Historians", being interviews with authors of biographies on key figures in our history. I listened to David McCullough on John Adams and Ron Chernow on Alexander Hamilton. I want to rewatch John Adams after listening to this. I also started reading "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair, which has been on my' to read' list since reading Fast Food Nation in the mid-'90s. I also just rested my head out of fatigue. We returned at the end of the day. Although I made good time, in hindsight, I drove too fast and even a bit recklessly. I need to remember my neck situation. I need to be mindful that even modest incident somebody else might walk away from is an incident I likely will not. Tommy was at his mom's, much to my surprise. I think he might have sincerely gone there with good intentions, but the dynamic is that her seeming depression drives him further away. It's a messy situation and very hard to see playing out. Ironically he accused his mom of living to argue, but that's also who he is and what he does. Again, it's tough to see playing out and even harder to be the recipient of that abuse. I don't know that I can handle much more of it. Best part of the day was coming home to Jennifer, who'd taken care of the coffee maker, cleaned the house up, and was just a loving presence in welcoming me home. I'm so grateful for her.

I went about patching the front right tire on the BMW this am. My god, it was a pain. The angle and size of the whole made it really difficult to plug. Tommy came out to help and I was in a shitty mood. Tommy was awesome, helpful, and we got the tire patched I thought that it would be wise to check the other tires, just in case. Guess what? Yep. TWO, not one but TWO additional chunks of metal found in the rear left. And they were leaking too. I don't have the patience for this right now. I need less shit cropping up. But, gratefully, I had Tommy's help, the necessary tools and we got them plugged, filled and they'r holding so far. Jen and I met friends at Martin Ranch to socially-distance wine taste.They managed it well, few people and aggressive protocol making the whole thing a bit complicated but it worked well and we had a great time. It was sunny, warm, and clear. The wine and snacks were great. Lauren was dropped at 6 and she gathered her ski stuff while I put the borrowed ski racks (Thank you, Jess, I still have 'em) on the CRV. I'm going to take her and a friend only tomorrow, for a day-run up and back. It's been awhile and should be fun. I'll hopefully get some serious time on some audiobooks in my queue.

Slept deeply. Slept well. Slept in. Needed all three. Sort of got my focus back, and it helped immensely. Tommy was a continued PITA for most of the day, but I was more conscious about my response and managed things much better this time. I still wanted to bitch-slap him. I just kept my perspective. You know, the one I routinely lose. We eventually managed to work past issues, and I believe I helped find and file the appropriate business papers for him. Still, I don't know that he'll prioritize school. It turns out he didn't go to any classes at all today. WTF!? I'm pissed, but the whole aspect of managing his focus while I'm at work myself does not, uh, work. He treated us to LB Steak. The BMW front-right was super low, found a large screw in it. Fortunately, I have patched worse situations than this. It'll be back on the road tomorrow. We might be back at LB Steak tomorrow too. We ordered a 48oz Tomahawk Rib Eye Medium Rare, and when we got home and cut into it, it was rare, if not raw. Tommy called and politely advised them of the situation, and they might be comp'ing him a return visit. We'll see how that goes. The meal was great, except for that. We watched "In and Of Itself", and I loved it. One line struck me as so subtle and insightful. I paused to allow it to settle in. "I'd like to say it was love at first sight, but I fell in love with all the things I couldn't see." It's something I'd like to watch again. It's weird that, amongst some reviews, somebody made a snarky comment about it being fake and staged. But I'd like to know, to what end? Oh, and today I learned that one of the reasons there are limitations about establishing a business under 18, besides child labor laws, is because most business situations require engaging in contractual agreements. Something you can not be held to as a minor. Fascinating.

I didn't sleep well at all. I still had tension and upset from the previous day's conflicts with Tommy on my mind. Along with the fact that my MacBook's screen stopped working last night. After weeks of enduring the progressively worsening "stage lights" problem, the stage went dark. Only hours, literally hours, before the demise, UPS delivered its replacement. A 2020 MacBook Air. I have been waiting for it so that I could send the other in for repairs. I woke at 3 am after fragmented patterns of light sleep. The phrase "dead of night"... I know where that comes from. The utter and complete silence around here at that time of the morning feels "other-worldly". I lingered in bed with my head full of thoughts until around 5.30. I figured WTF, might as well start the migration to the new computer. The experience that followed was infuriating. I can't begin to relay the aggravation and frustrations I encountered. I'm proud to say it didn't end up smashed into pieces like I did the Withing's scale, but oh, it was tempting. Between the migration seeing/not seeing the 2016 unit, to backups being 'in use' and not available for restoration, to the external HD backup being visible on the finder but not to migration, I was beside myself. I could not manage to make a smooth transition to the new computer happen. I've had excellent experiences in the past doing this, but the combination of issues encountered this time was enough to make somebody that understands this stuff lose their shit. A novice would have been dead in the water. Still, it annoyed me enough to make my morning pretty derailing. I did manage to 'get back on it', though, after lunch and getting some work done. Tommy hostile and annoyed most of the day. Earlier, he hugged me, seeming to be coming out of his mood, but landed right back in when I wasn't willing to take him for a business license instead of working. The boundaries of WFH have been problematic, and enforcing them has as well. Jen and I settled into the couch and started watching "Fake Famous", an HBO documentary about social media, bots, and influences. It was good. About 10 min in, Tommy came out and declared he needed stuff from Target. It was after 8, and  I was in PJ's watching this show with Jen. I said I wasn't able to take him tonight, and of course, more hostility followed. I also caught something very telling. I'd said he should walk there and back if he had to go tonight. It's only about 2 miles away, max. He later came out, and I heard the car keys in the bowl rattle before he walked out loudly. There's nothing in there he'd have needed. So it seems plausible that it was to egg me on and get a reaction as if he was taking the car without permission. That sort of intentional act, one to elicit a response, is pure manipulation on his part if that's what happened. I didn't respond to the sound. He later returned but remained tense and aloof, and argumentative. Sigh. I am at least, again, recognizing that the only control I have is over my response, and no response is the only response. I'm not engaging. I'm keeping it simple by going about my business and enjoying my downtime. I managed to get a good walk in today, too, and we enjoyed some hot tea before bed. I'm anticipating a better night's sleep tonight.

Snap Crackles Pop

I woke up feeling off and overwhelmed with a sense of redundancy as to the routine, isolation, and everything else that goes along with quarantine. I went through my usual motions with a bit of removal and detachment. I should have seen this coming. Perhaps if I had been more focused and mentally present as I awoke, meditated, and walked the dog, I might have had more reserves at my disposal when the confrontation with my son about his grades began. But I found myself sucked one more into a vortex of frustration that only further overwhelmed my day with anger, guilt, and despair.

I had planned on an AM walk with Lauren, but woke later than usual and, to incoming rain. We barely made it back during the dog walk before it was coming down, let alone a 2+ mile walk. I'd have been up for rain coat and walk anyway, but having started late = compressed time. We walked at lunch, 2miles, 40min, had to be back in short order for meetings and such. Decided to do a drive to Mt Umunhum in order to catch the sunset, while leaving enchilada's waiting in the oven for the kids upon our return. It was too cloudy over the mountain so we did a skyline run instead. Returned, ate, played a round of Farkel and dove into GNO. GNO was fun, as always, with a little techno-wrestling along the way. Started with Zoom, ended on WebEx. Nothing's perfect, but it worked out. Thinking I might change one of my habits to allow two or three days a week to be open to drinking wine or whiskey while the other four or five remain dry. It's a modification I'd like to test out for February. I've been rigid as hell all of January and it's been fine but constrained perhaps more than warranted. Oh and before I forget, I wanted to say that today I learned that the 2005 USDA "chicken enchilada standard" is a real thing, not just a marketing ploy by Stoffers, wherein packaged chicken enchiladas must be made up of at least 10.5% meat. Fascinating.

Walking our dog outside of his comfort zone (the immediate neighborhood) is like taking a locking shopping cart outside of the Target parking lot.

I got up in advance of the alarm going off. I spent ~20min or so meditating, then walked 1.5 miles to Bagel Basket & back with Tommy. It was a pleasant walk. He talked a lot about various things. I listened, acknowledged, and contributed my thoughts on occasion. I wanted just to enjoy some time without conflict, and we did. One the way back, we ran into Frank, our neighbor whose wife passed away. He said he was doing reasonably well. I said that I was glad to see him out on a walk, as has been his routine for as long as we've known him. He asked my last name, I told him, and he smiled knowingly and said, "thank you".  Which I knew was for the bereavement basket we sent. I said, "you've very welcome," and that they inspired us as a couple. It was a lovely moment, and we left it there as we continued on our respective walks. Tommy was at EH again, Lauren and Jen and I got groceries, Lauren made a pizza, and we played Farkel. Tommy came back, and we discussed his EH involvement. He's wrestling with what he wants to focus on next. We gave him input and suggestions. I read more of Dean's screenplay, scribbling feedback notes as I went along. It's looking like he's going to write the first draft of Tex and run it by Steve. I hope it pans out to be something substantive for both of them.