Come Nail Away

I was relaying to Jen tonight how, back in the early 90's, I went to see "Jesus Christ, Superstar" in SF. The guy that played "PONTIUS PILATE" had a voice the was strikingly familiar. During the intermission I looked it up in the "Playbill" and found it was Dennis DeYoung, one of the founders and lead singers of STYX…. the joke that came to me: His encore should have been "Come Nail Away".

Night's sleep was fragmented. Got up and got to see Tommy. Left the car for him and took the Pilot to check out Jikoji. Mixed feelings but likely going back next week for a follow up visit while exploring other options too. Stopped in to visit Linda 1:1. Had a good conversation about her circumstances again. More empathy, lots of frustration and irritation too. It's hard managing this charade and she's struggling too, with the anxiety and fear and uncertainty. Not making her aware of the prognosis in full was a bad move. I'm glad we talked but the real intensive conversations are yet to come. Jen and I got some stinky cheese and had an excellent causal patio dinner w/a 2017 Pinot Noir from MR that was perfect. Really wild thing happened…. We had this great cheese at Matt's, had lemon in it. I texted him from Leonardi's asking what it was. He didn't reply. We got other stuff. We went to GOBM for other things we needed. I saw the familiar yellow rind cheese on the GOBM shelves when his response came through – "Wensleydale". SCORE! Bought a bunch to freeze and enjoy at will. But to have had that play out fell like a pretty crazy coincidence. Tommy visited his mom, and her ice cream fixation is becoming an obsession. Today I learned that chemo/radiation is known to increase cravings for sweets. Pretty interesting given that cancer thrives on it. I also learned that "Smart and Final" stores are named after two founder s and not by the concept that shaping there is wise but there are no returns allowed. Lauren and I zapped June bugs on the patio. Can't wait for July to get here.

Now and Zen

I finally made the effort I have wanted to make for a few years. I ventured out to a local Zen dojo to try a formal meditation session. It was at a dojo named "Jikoji" above the Saratoga foothills, nestled off skyline Boulevard, about 30min from home.

I'm not comfortable with ritualistic routines, recitations, and practices that aren't a part of my core belief and something I'm expressing out of sincerity. To find myself expected to bow, to recite written words as a part of the sutra being chanted by the rest of the participants, all felt forced and foreign. I wrestled with the idea that tradition and habit overshadow purpose and intention. Don't get me started on cutting the ends of the ham off. I'm talking about attire. I'm talking about incense, gestures, and orchestrated methods of how you go about seating yourself. These are seemingly rather formalized structured sequences, but the goal of meditation should not be focused on following a choreographed entry and seating ritual. At least not to me, as I understand it. The goal is to enrich your life with insight, patience, calm, introspection, and awareness.

After I had settled into the proper position, with my knees below my waist, my hands interlaced, my right middle-finger knuckle positioned upon the inside of my left middle-finger knuckle, and my thumbs aligned with my navel, barely touching in a manner that would allow a single piece of paper to slip through, I tried to focus and concentrate on my breathing. That's when the buzzing came into my awareness, the all-too-familiar high-pitched sound of a mosquito in flight, encircling my ears in search of sustenance.

I hate mosquitos but they LOVE me. I am, in their vernacular, "easy pricking". Blood type "Oh-yeah". I'm an all-you-can-drink, "fill your platelet" buffet. And an ample endless supply for their engorging endeavors. 

I fucking hate mosquitos. And there was nothing I could do. I had to sit there and endure it. It made perfect sense. It's summer, and the property has a pond, and it's in the woods. Thus, mosquitoes are a certainty. But in the middle of my initial 40-minute seated mediation, as a newbie in a room filled with at least 50% seasoned practitioners, teachers, and residents, my options were limited. I spastically shook my head left and right. I quietly adjusted my collar. I did all I could to distract the insect without making any sound. At one point, I watched it land on my foot. I wanted to allow my instinct to take over, to slap my hand rapidly onto it. Still, I knew that after gazing at the minuscule fractured carcass in my hand with great satisfaction, I'd glance up to looks of horror and disgust from the seasoned practitioners of a discipline that considers all life sacred, moments before being escorted out.

At the end of the meditation, we took a 10-minute break before the Dharma talk. I wanted to leave. However, I convinced myself to stick around and sit through the dharma talk. I was there already, had no place else to be, and I didn't want to leave without having given the full experience a complete audit. And I'm glad I did.

The Dharma talk was about human suffering. The speaker indicated that there are three methods of suffering that we encounter:

• Not having something you want.
• Having something you do not want.
• Having something taken away.

He referenced suffering as being akin to an arrow that strikes you without warning. And that typically, a second arrow follows, which isn't the actual incident, but your response. We create suffering by lamenting that something happened at all. Responding as if "God played a cruel trick on me". Behaving as a victim of some cosmic fate or wrongdoing. When, in reality, the first arrow simply "is.". The universe is the universe, good and bad. Shit happens, not out of faith or spite or divine reward but simply out of circumstance and the chaos that is life. Suffering is a part of life, period. Everybody suffers. The only control we have is how we respond.

I enjoyed that.

I am on the fence about returning next week. I probably will. I want to find a place where I can spend a week reading and writing and being contemplative, away from interruptions, technology, and demands for my time. Away from expectations to fix everything. I don't know yet if this is the right place. It's certainly worth exploring further. I want to look at a few other options as well.

Pretty awful night last night. Major discomfort and bloated stomach. Miserable. Tried to get comfortable and could not. Only by switching sides w/Jen and getting more elevation for my head helped and that took awhile too. As I laid there I considered the idea of being ill, hospitalized, unable to do much of anything about it, and just suffering. I don't want that to be a reality especially if it's something I can avoid with more discipline. Decided last night/early morning that I'd put aside some bad habits for the long haul. Hard alcohol just doesn't agree with me. I don't like the effects of pot either, so my 'vice' options are narrowing to wine, which works for me. I set out and took my open bottles (sans the Screwball which I'll give to Mark) to Matt's for him to enjoy while I take a 'recovery' break from the ill effects. Lauren fed the dogs for the last time before their owners returned and we got a bagel at Panera before I dropped her at work. It was busy and bustling and felt like 'old times' pre-pandemic. She did some neighborhood driving, he 2nd time, and did well but also locked up a bit when we tried going onto union. It's good that she's being cautious. It'll all come with time. Jen and I ran a few errands and she dropped me at Pano so I could get the Pilot, which I'll be using as a fallback for the instances that Tommy needs the CRV. He returned from Catalina after our dinner plans so we left the CRV for him at LGPC. Lauren and I went to her mom's apartment after her work shift ended and Linda suggested going outside which was a total surprise, and we did. I wrote to her sister voicing concern about her well being and cognitive issues. It's really hard to witness and recognize the limitations, suffering and also to imagine the frustrations of the situation for her too. It would be, for me, like losing my memory but knowing It was happening and having no control. Lauren's still not fully cognoscenti of the magnitude of this but I'm glad she's going so often and spending the time. I'm going to try and get them both there tomorrow, maybe get out again too. We had dinner at Matt B's with Steve and Diana, Gene and Bobbie, Brent, Kim, Dave and Marie. Great seeing them all again. Another 'like old times' moment. Diana was super supportive and encouraging about the kids situation and my efforts for them. That meant a lot. Very sincere, considering her own experience with her sister 14yrs prior. Jennifer was right there with me and has been too. I'm so grateful for her support through this. We had a great time, enjoyed some good wine, food and conversation. Tommy was asleep by the time we returned so I'll see him in the am before I head to my mediation outing at Jikoji. Played a bit more with "Spacial Audio" and decided to turn it off. Some hits, some misses, and the misses are enough to not justify the hits.

I've been toying with mixing up my routine, doing writing in the AM, and meditation at night. By the end of the day, I feel like I just 'force' out some generalized breakdown of the day instead of doing something more extensive. I used to write 'pieces' with focus and objectives, but I'm faltering there. I have been for some time. Life's passing me by as. I wait for something other than my own discipline to change. It feels that way with health, weight, work, parenting, most everything. I'm not getting what I want to get done, done. One thing I did notice though is that my mornings are filled with more writing ideas and inspiration than the evenings. I thought I'd change that routine but after a day or two, I'm pretty sure that's not the right move. What I need to do is maintain the routine that worked. With all that's going on, keeping things simple and not putting more pressure on myself feels right. I might not be writing as much or as deeply but that I'm writing at all is rewarding in and of itself. Took Lauren to Tom/Danise's house for dog feeding and back to work. Decent 1st 1/2 of the day but I faded in the afternoon. Lauren worked 11-4.45. I got some great news from scouts about Tommy "stepping it up" at Catalina and taking an active leadership role that got him promoted to SPL level. Two people called this out in text and email. I wrote him congratulations from Jen and I and I'm so proud of him. It's odd how my daily routine can be filled with frustrations but perhaps that's just the dynamic of parents or learned behavior on both of our parts. But I love him and I'm proud of him. I'm proud of Lauren, too, who got some great recognition at work, was put in a leadership role for a short period and it sounds like she's on her way to having more hours too. We brought AQUI home and I downed a Manhattan Swirl way to quickly. Man, I feel sick now. Still. It really knocked me out. I did get Lauren to Pano for the last dog walk (I think) thank God. I was too wiped to join her, and laid on the couch in Pano until she returned. She found a BMW of interest and at first, I pressed against seeing it but changed my tune. We're passing through, too far away and too soon. There are too many unknowns and she should be poised and ready to drive and have cash in hand before we do that. Read more of the Anthropocene Reviewed, the book Tabitha sent me. I'm liking it, it's something that resonates with me. It's also inspirational as far as wanting to write more. Maybe that'll move the needle for me. Bug zapped June bugs much to Scottie and Lucky's chagrin. Lucky attached the zapper! Wild. Had a pleasant evening even though the drink messed me up, physically. It's another case of knowing better but not acting better. WTF am I doing? Just trying to maintain, really. Just trying to maintain. Oh, greatly enjoyed losing myself in the "Dolby Atmos" releases and remixed Beatles recordings. It's fun hearing things I missed before.

Forced myself up. Glad I did. Good meditation time, I'd give it Seven out of Zen. Scottie walk, Lauren to/from Pano to walk the neighbor's dog, then into the work day. Good meeting w/Frakture and RP, TL. Felt like I was a key contributor to starting some improvements. Good sprint recap too, wherein I was able to show the increase in output that had previously been questioned. Lauren made another dinner; Ribeye with Classic French Bordelaise Sauce and creamed spinach. 8 out of 10 overall, room for improvement but damned good for a 1st try. Jen's starting her "process design" course tonight and it sounds awesome. I'm so impressed with her taking the time to leverage the ability to take such classes through work, for her growth. Tommy called earlier after having done his 100ft dive. I'm so happy for him. He's having a great time. Lauren and I wisited Linda. At one point she started crying. I know how scared she is and how upsetting this has been for her. I don't know how things are going to play out in the weeks ahead. I'm expecting she'll need a good deal of support from friends and family.

Meditation v Sleep. Sleep 1, Meditation 0. Having a hard time really focusing on anything I want/need/plan to do like garage clearing, long walks, auditobooks, etc., as I'm juggling that and working and running errands, walking dogs, attending meetings, managing teams, etc. Did not talk much to or see Linda today. It's a balancing act but I'm conscious that the time the kids and I have to do so needs to be considered, so we'll likely go tomorrow afternoon for a brief visit. Going to make dinner for Jen, as she's starting a class and stressed about it. Heard from Tommy, he's sttruggling to not spend every dime he has but I can only give him advice. Tomorrow he's doing a 100ft dive in the class. I think he's nervous about it. I'm sure he'll be fine, though, and sent him some encouragement. Lauren cooked again, garlic Parmesan chicken, and it was phenomenal. I'm so impressed. Got Happy Hound burgers for dinner. Some fireworks have been going off last night and tonight and Scottie's already doing the 'hiding' thing. I dislike fireworks, I think the risks and disruptions are not worth the cultural fascination. We need more drone shows and less pyrotechnics and explosives. Fire season's already gonna be bad, this all seems completely irresponsible. I guess I'm officially a cranky old man yelling from my patio. Again.

Slept in a bit longer than desired. Felt good, but I like getting up earlier as there's always so many things I want to do. Took Lauren to feed Lucy/Abby, snagged her a cinnamon crunch bagel from Panera en route home. AM work meetings and status report work. Took lunch at 11 in order to hit In n Out, Petco for fish filters, HarborFreight, then back for staff. Lots of dialog around stuff that felt like unnecessary level of cooks. Lauren made a French dessert called Clafoutis using nectarines we bought at Costco. I love her cooking, she's really doing some wonderful things. We ran to GOBM to replenish some stuff and grabbed a rope dog toy for Lucky who's absolutely crazy about it. He's fun to play with. Ordered Andale to go and took to Linda for belated father's day dinner. They botched the order and didn't include the chicken for her tacos. Pissed me off but she rolled with it. She liked the Clafoutis too. Returned to walk Abby and Lucy then Lucky and Scottie. Jen setup her solar outdoor lamp, but it was dim. Might need more sun, we'll see how it works tomorrow. I setup a log to track the firepit propane use so we can understand how long a tank might last. I also ordered two 'swaps' from "Cynch" which may be a great ongoing option if it remains cost effective. Watched "Stardust Memories" tonight after having watched Allen vs Farrow over the weekend. Stardust Memories remains one of my favorite movies of his and of all time. I'm torn about the whole issue around separating the art from the artist. Tommy called from Catalina, having a great time, loving his classes. He signed up for more, which I said is on him, but if he can generate some amazon credit doing work when he returns I'll likely want to use it. He needs to get his car back and learn to budget and prioritize. Still, it's wonderful to hear how much he's enjoying this. It's been a long time coming.

Father's Day, 2021. The last before they're adults. The last I'll likely hear any praise or recognition from their mother. She sent me a short poem she made up and recorded. It was thoughtful and appreciated but sad too, for many reasons. I'm still wresting with finding balance in my daly routines. I blew up at Tommy, again, Saturday am when taking him to drop off for Catalina trip. Simply because the snarky comments have broken me. And have broken me down. Yet he wrote me a thought note and called to touch base too. It's a bit crazy making but then again what isn't any more. I managed to spend my day doing little of anything for a change and said no to requests too. It felt good. Still, little things like having to battle June bugs or adding propane refills to my to-do list irritate me far more than nis reasonable, and cancelling my "Geoff's 60th weak" time off plans because I know it'll be consumed with addressing the needs of others feels like concession to a losing battle. In so many ways, I'm just in a sort of zombie state. I am filling time, not using time. I'm drifting.

Let's see; MOHS followup went well and quick. I'm likely going to exceed my annual deductible with this stuff. So I'm going to load up the rest of the year with a crap load of whatever medical needs might exist. Colonoscapy, physical, what-have-you. Board meeting went well. Had some direct conversation with Linda about maintaining boundaries about working hours but I'm also overly sensitive to her anxieties. Tommy rolled with my reinforcing the laws about hours and passengers until he's 18, but it's still contentious. I took he and his friends including Talon to TopSpot golf range. Returned for them later. Went to Pano, Pat's landscape workers needed access to side alley to clear debris, and could not find Kip. Did the meeting. Return to drop the pilot later before going to Mark's for a bike ride. Juggled Talon's grandfather and Tommy's texts about getting the CRV or not. Went to Mark's and Tommy went to Pano and found something that made him fear I was smoking THC. Some pretty sincere and frank conversations follow. I feel so bad for him, in that he's lived with anxiety and fear for his whole life, and so much of the past year has been taxing. I reassured him, and I think it helped. As this past month or two has emphasized, I need to spend more time with him right now and he with us all. The child should not feel the need to be the parent.

Decent enough day. Good AM meditations, much needed. Gratitude needs to return to my nightly journaling. I'm grateful for living in a situation where I have access to health care and air conditioning. I'm grateful for the wonderful partner that Jennifer is to me, and I'm grateful to have what I consider to be an introspective mind. Sometimes. Sometimes, not so much, as it becomes overkill. I was actually thinking earlier today that this would become a pretty repetitive read. Work was good, went to SRC with Lauren before dropping her at work and arrived just as the movers were taking out her queen size bed, and the adjustable arrived as they left. Assembled and in place with just enough Time to get Lauren to work. It was one of those really fortunate sets of circumstances. They do happen, likely as frequently as the annoyances, but without less recognition. Worked further, getting ready for board meeting. Got Lauren, stopped for Mexican en route home, and made it just in time for cardsmania not to be happening. I'd forgotten they were Levenworth WA bound. I'll see them next Saturday. Called into scout meeting about camping and got a few key notes to pass to Tommy. Sat with Lauren and Jen at fire pit for awhile before turning in. Talked briefly to Linda, seems like some memory issues are increasing and her anxiety is up, too, about tomorrow's call w/Richa and her platelet count. She also passed along the findings about her left side vision and driving being off the table. It's all starting to get more concerning for her, as it rightfully should be.

Today was a good work day. Focused, engaged, productive. Took Lauren to Campbell Job Fair, then a quick bite at Aqui. Brought lunch home for Tommy too. Tommy's seeming better, too. Still some smart ass comments but I'm letting them slide or pointing out how instead, something more productive could be said. It's going to take time and consistency to undo some of the years of damage done to both of them. Marya dropped by but I was on a work call. She left me a souvenir from PML days. Fucking awesome. Sent her home w/Mitchella Innuendo, hoping she likes it as much as we do. Dinner at Cindy Mirassou's w/her parents was uncomfortable in that I'm just not comfortable in my body or amongst strangers right now. Great people though, really impressive and makes me hope to live long and be in good health, which I'm not right now. In many ways I'm in denial about many feelings and realities as they play out. I need some alone time to write, process, and just resolve a lot of what's going on instead of just keeping busy and being in endless demand.

Keto Chocolate Chunk Cookies - made by Lauren Mitchell

This day was a full one, worth capturing. First, that one sleep I get each 4-6 weeks that's intensely gratifying? Yeah, that was last night. Felt so rested. Made a point of focused connection with Tommy throughout the day. It's a struggle for me at times, as 'quips' are triggers, but I rolled well with it. Approached things with a far more conscious perspective on how he might be struggling with so much. Work issues arose with a dramatic spike in email bounces that needed attain all while I had already committed to helping Linda. She saw Funada and the exchange between them was heartbreaking as I could tell he was aware of the severity of her diagnosis. I think she is becoming more aware too. She's reaching out more and making more comments that feel like observations on life. Worked today too on being less rigid on the car w/Tommy so he has some flexibility in his day. Also trying to foster some trust. Picked up Lauren after her work ended, we took ice cream to Linda. She wolfed down the Haggan Das. I watched knowing sugar is bad but at this point let her have what gives her some pleasure. We talked tensely about her recovery goals and targets and we talked genuinely about gratitude. She asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said your recognition of it is enough. There's closure happening and I feel more and more like the next stage of progression will be grueling. I tried to encourage Lauren to talk about her feelings but she brushed it away, with a slight admission of awareness. I'll just be there, when neceaery, for both of them. I came home and talk this all over w/Jen who's being incredibly supportive and understanding of my core nature of empathy. Watched John Oliver about 'Prision Heat" and admire his passion and envy his platform.

 Am I simple, or complex? According to who? Judged by who?

Tommy completed scuba certification, and the tension of the past few days finally broke. We talked quite frankly. I'm only just remembering he's almost 18, direct discussions are still new. Our topics ran from Talon related blowups to harassing his mother about her Pilot when she's in the state she's in. We both fought our fights, and stood our ground, while admitting to some degree of responsibility. I more than he, I believe. We agreed to disagree and disucsoins included the decision that he'll move back to pano. Something neither of us want (Jen/I). He's here for tonight, by all accounts, so we'll see how it plays out. Next week is Catalina which I expect to be a good break for he and I. He's going trough so fucking much and pressing it down. It's clear. And it's hard for me to keep that in my forethoughts. It has to be, for his sake, as he's a really great person underneath the angst and anger. Aqui dinner on the patio, fire pit, wife dogs and kids. Make every effort to calmly work with Tommy on clearing the car and starting laundry, and I feel good about the results. I heed to pick battles, defend the highlands and accept the fluxusation of the rest. Linda called a lot today but she's relying a lot on her friends and family to offset the tedium of being bedridden. What a nightmare this whole experience has been. I'm numb to it more offend than not but it's 

Got up and did my meditations even though I wanted to sleep in the right direction. It's much easier too with the early light of summer. Dog walk was interrupted by quite the bleed-out of the skin graft behind my left ear. Pretty gross, really, but manageable, and that's a huge point of awareness for me these days. Everything's relative. I said at GNO tonight that I consciously know my stress level can be high and unnecessary, but I have yet to make that as subconscious behavior. Same with this. It's not second nature yet to not get upset about things I can't control. I'm being tested, for sure, but it's also about learning to say no, and prioritize myself. Not something I've learned well enough so far. Work engagement was good, again, and that's rewarding. Lauren went to Linda's final radiation appointment with me. She waited in the car as usual. Met w/Dr afterwards. The nurse, Sheila, was awesome but the conversation w/Wong was frustrating. 2 Kathy's on speakerphone w/bad connections and kids in the background don't go over well w/more disciplined science oriented folks. But questions were answered all the same. Next steps are a bit of a waiting game. It's a good time for both kids to put more time into her which they need to do while they can. Met w/Marlin and walked away once again feeling a bit more optimistic about at least the year ahead. We'll see how it goes. I'm glad I'm trying more to put focus into work needs. Tommy was pretty hard core about the whole "driving the pilot" thing but I did my best to try and not get in the ring. Jen made an amazing Chicken Parmasagna and I ran to get her Absolute Pear and Elderberry in gratitude. GNO was fun and we're going to meet in 2 weeks in person at Dry Creek.

Enjoyed the leisurely day and the good dinner at Palermo Saturday night. Sunday was low key. Got to see Barabara at SRC w/Linda. Although I try to approach it in real time as naturally as possible it's a contant subconscious balancing act to be back around them in this capacity. I'm grateful to have the chance of course but I know it's odd and the circumstance remains surreal. Until she knows more we're in a precarious place. Tommy returned from Reno and Talon's doing a sleepover and I'm just letting them be. Firepit time w/Mark and Wendy was nice too. I have a good life and good friends.

Black Angus Makes A Fine Point with their Cobb Salad

Woke up naturally, again, before 6. Meditation was 1/2 on target which was good given my lack of practice and distracted mind. Work day was good, another opportunity to be present and well invested. Got Panorama situated for Barbara's stay. Took Lauren to Super Duper en route to Vasona, caught up briefly with Martin. I'm always stunned and grateful that we've stayed connected all these years. But I need closer friends now more than ever. Once I can be genuine with about all that's going on around and within me. That seems elusive. Maybe it's me. Took Lauren to Black Angus for dinner, had a really nice time. Got a good compliment from Jen about my successful effort to relax more. That's validating and she knows the depth and extent of my ongoing angst and tension. He friend Cindy M. came over, they talked and laughed on the patio into the night and it was such a joy to hear. I love that she has those connections. I wish Linda had really 'lived' more, in the moment and in gratitude for all she had nad has still. Except for time. Tommy's in Reno, doing ExtraHour work. And buying $200 sun glasses while his car sits waiting for him to pay the $2500 bill. I just don't get it and in the spirit of being the parent I can be at this point, I'm not going to call him on it. He's responsible for his actions. The AC got fixed, my short-sighted neglect of changing air filters likely caused the capacitor to fail. $400 later, I'm paying the price. Getting ice cream at Safeway a woman line-jumped to a newly opening line without showing consideration of those waiting in front of her. WTF is with people? So selfish and uncivil. It's sad. Talked to Jeri briefly, going to help get the my mom's memorial for Paula. Mom's pushing back. Fuck. Hate being in hte middle. Will work it out.

Oh, and today I learned that medieval masons and carpenters would carve marks into their benches at given measurements, so that they could easily adjust their work-pieces of wood or stone. Thus the term "Benchmark".

Woke up, naturally, at around 6am, and felt ready to get up. So I did. Fed the dogs, and ended up thinking that bed sounded good, still. So I returned. I setup the bedroom HomePod mini to play the "gratitude" video's audio at around 6.30am. We'll see how it goes. Having spent almost 40 years lamenting the absence of a daily advisory period, setting a daily audio awakening with this sort of reminder seems like a no-brainer. Walked the dog, enjoyed the am with Jen, got engaged in work, well, again… then the watch and phone came alive with inquiries from Linda about the day's schedule. She's exhibiting more issues like this that are alarming. The whole thing is alarming. And I'm still struggling with the very real probability that she will die this year. It's just so hard to comprehend. I'm glad I made the effort today to take her to yogurt with Lauren after her radiation treatment, as Linda has done annually for them at the end of each school year. I also went to Pano earlier today to get things situation for Barbara's stay. I expected and asked for Tommy's help. He made the mess, not me. No dice, no help, just smarts comments. I'm starting to thing the best thing I can do for both of us is stop trying to change things and don't explode so easily. I want him to learn by example, and my short fuse and impatience with what I consider extreme and unacceptable behavior don't show the 'high road' I would prefer I take and strive to, too. I realized today, too, that as much has I appreciate that Linda and I can have some closure it's not like we would suddenly reconnect or even 'hang out' as friends, much. Parents yes, friends, no. I'm starting to actully what friendships I'll have left after this all plays out. It's removing me in many ways from routine, which isn't interesting for me any more, either. I don't want to end up a cantankerous old coot. I took Lauren to Tilly's for clothes, got her what she wanted without question and only a modest amount of input when asked. Closed the night w/Jen and Lauren on the patio. Loved it. Talked about life, talked about bucket lists, talked about connections, and just plain talked. Devices and distractions literally consume time you will never reclaim so why not make the most of it.

That cylindrical gauze from my nose (right of index finger) was the bane of my existence.

It's hard some times to capture all the nuances of a day. I was so anxious about the stitches removal this morning that I didn't sleep well. By the time it came time to get up I'd sort of just resolved myself to riding out whatever the morning might bring. The thought of another round of injections was upsetting but I figured that it was likely a necessity given the amount of stitches and the sensitivity of my nose, still. Once there I found Tim already there, one of the folks I got to know last week. The guy that works on ML/AI at FB. We talked and others joined and the social hour began. One particular woman, a teacher at West Valley, floored me when she said she was 96. I was stunned. She looked great and seemed vibrant and articulate and pleasant. That was inspirational. The nurse took me back, removed the bandages with a modest amount of pain, a bit quicker than I'd expected. As I watched them coming off I was so worried the graft would come with it. It didn't. She said things looked ok and then the doctor came in and confirmed things were going along as well as he would hope. I still have to take care of the graft with daily gauze and tape, minimal lifting, and very deliberate management of any sneezing or other nose-related trauma. Oh and sleeping on my back. Ugh. The best part was that the sutures are the disolving/absorbing ones. Why did I think I was getting them removed? I ran into Rick and Margie (?) on the way out and talked w/them for a bit. Such pleasant people. I do hope to run into them again in LG at Happy Hound or downtown. I was well focused at work, had a couple of good meetings and was well engaged for some important discussions. I continue to have anxiety about the long term stability of the company but after 1+ years of this, I'm just doing my best to do my best and not be the reason for any failures. It's the one thing I can fully control. Jen and I did cards w/the usual suspects which was fun. I ran Lauren to Pano to get some things she needed and tomorrow we will return school books and also go get her mom from Radiation and take her for "end of school year yogurt' outing before returning here to SRC. Tommy's going to Reno w/Extra Hour tomorrow evening. He's done well getting his grades managed and is hopefully going to get the BYU stuff done too. Jen and I need some solo time, all the chaos and uncertainty are draining. I know my own obsessions, frustrations and anxieties don't help so it's a balancing act for both of us.

Sunday am, after another really difficult night w/the stitches and bandages, I caved and contacted the doctor's office about it. They were understanding and assured me the pain was nerves healing. And the gauze in the nose was needed too. This whole thing has been a constant irritant and a bigger undertaking than I expected. I wonder too if that's 'real' or simply the fact that my threshold was exceeded and my tolerance is minimal. The Tylenol with codeine helped last night. Today was the first day I felt 'stable' as far as the pain and sensations go. At least until earlier tonight when I coughed and felt the sharp pain and sensation of a stitch being pulled. It was excruciating, which is a word Iv'e used a lot this week. Tommy's been focused on catching up on school and also been reasonably pleasant. It's been a welcome change and I'm grateful. Lauren worked all day. We all three went to see their mom this morning and I could tell it meant a lot to her that Tommy was there. We dropped Lauren and returned to Matson Jen made 'breakfast lasagna' which was delicious. Another favorite. Tommy and I ran a happy hound hotdog and shake to Lauren on her lunch break. I watched more of the "1971' documentary and found the Angelia Davis "the revolution will not be televised" episode just incredible. And upsetting too. 50 years later and we're still dealing with this carp. Tommy and I went to get Lauren, left flowers at Madronia for TP on Linda's behalf, drove up to skyline and back to Bear Creek. Then we got a call from Linda about some issues with her left foot and left hand. We went and checked in, she seems ok and stable. We collaborated with Kathy D on the concerns so they could be escalated including determine that some bruising lies most likely in the combination of blood thinners and her left-leaning tendencies in the wheelchair. I emphasized later w/the kids about the path ahead being a challenging and uncertain one. They're going to be dealing with some serious shit and I want them to be aware of it going in. I'm worn down and yet I'm still trying to find balance in chaos.