I'm not comfortable with ritualistic routines, recitations, and practices that aren't a part of my core belief and something I'm expressing out of sincerity. To find myself expected to bow, to recite written words as a part of the sutra being chanted by the rest of the participants, all felt forced and foreign. I wrestled with the idea that tradition and habit overshadow purpose and intention. Don't get me started on cutting the ends of the ham off. I'm talking about attire. I'm talking about incense, gestures, and orchestrated methods of how you go about seating yourself. These are seemingly rather formalized structured sequences, but the goal of meditation should not be focused on following a choreographed entry and seating ritual. At least not to me, as I understand it. The goal is to enrich your life with insight, patience, calm, introspection, and awareness.
After I had settled into the proper position, with my knees below my waist, my hands interlaced, my right middle-finger knuckle positioned upon the inside of my left middle-finger knuckle, and my thumbs aligned with my navel, barely touching in a manner that would allow a single piece of paper to slip through, I tried to focus and concentrate on my breathing. That's when the buzzing came into my awareness, the all-too-familiar high-pitched sound of a mosquito in flight, encircling my ears in search of sustenance.
I hate mosquitos but they LOVE me. I am, in their vernacular, "easy pricking". Blood type "Oh-yeah". I'm an all-you-can-drink, "fill your platelet" buffet. And an ample endless supply for their engorging endeavors.
I fucking hate mosquitos. And there was nothing I could do. I had to sit there and endure it. It made perfect sense. It's summer, and the property has a pond, and it's in the woods. Thus, mosquitoes are a certainty. But in the middle of my initial 40-minute seated mediation, as a newbie in a room filled with at least 50% seasoned practitioners, teachers, and residents, my options were limited. I spastically shook my head left and right. I quietly adjusted my collar. I did all I could to distract the insect without making any sound. At one point, I watched it land on my foot. I wanted to allow my instinct to take over, to slap my hand rapidly onto it. Still, I knew that after gazing at the minuscule fractured carcass in my hand with great satisfaction, I'd glance up to looks of horror and disgust from the seasoned practitioners of a discipline that considers all life sacred, moments before being escorted out.
At the end of the meditation, we took a 10-minute break before the Dharma talk. I wanted to leave. However, I convinced myself to stick around and sit through the dharma talk. I was there already, had no place else to be, and I didn't want to leave without having given the full experience a complete audit. And I'm glad I did.
The Dharma talk was about human suffering. The speaker indicated that there are three methods of suffering that we encounter:
- Not having something you want.
- Having something you do not want.
- Having something taken away.
He referenced suffering as being akin to an arrow that strikes you without warning. And that typically, a second arrow follows, which isn't the actual incident, but your response. We create suffering by lamenting that something happened at all. Responding as if "God played a cruel trick on me". Behaving as a victim of some cosmic fate or wrongdoing. When, in reality, the first arrow simply "is.". The universe is the universe, good and bad. Shit happens, not out of faith or spite or divine reward but simply out of circumstance and the chaos that is life. Suffering is a part of life, period. Everybody suffers. The only control we have is how we respond.
I enjoyed that.
I am on the fence about returning next week. I probably will. I want to find a place where I can spend a week reading and writing and being contemplative, away from interruptions, technology, and demands for my time. Away from expectations to fix everything. I don't know yet if this is the right place. It's certainly worth exploring further. I want to look at a few other options as well.