I had a series of consecutive work calls this morning that I took from Matson. I had intended to drop Scottie for grooming at the nearby Petco, but the poor guy repeatedly yelped after wrenching his already problematic leg by jumping off the car's back seat. I felt awful for him. It was heartbreaking. He seems better, but I felt bad not having considered that risk. I returned him to Panorama and went to Matson anyway. I got so much done while being active and on the calls. If I can get a few more days of this level of progress along with Sat, Mon and Tues efforts, we may be ready to cleaners mid-week next week. I got more done in the garage this evening too, but less than last night. I find myself stalled, trying to anticipate what's yet to be moved over. But I'll get there. The gardener came and replaced the sprinkler controllers and returns tomorrow with a replacement for the sprinkler that's leaking due to all the roots fed by its leak—such a catch-22.

Sunday was another massively productive day. I was going non-stop and probably should have, considering the pain I'm in and some pain I created too. I can't recall every single accomplishment but in the end, more wine was moved over, as were all three of the metal shelf units from the Matson garage, and all are in place now awaiting the next phase of organizational refinements. Dom let us use his truck and Lauren and I swapped the best mattress with the problematic one at my mom's, which will hopefully work better for Lindsey when she visits. We got the rest of the junk pickup stuff to the curb and today it was all gone! Jess, Bev, Johnathan and Tonya came to help us reduce our wine inventory. Friends do that! And we did. A small dent but it was fun hanging out around the fire pit and enjoying wine, cheese and great conversation. This is what we both wanted in this home and our next steps – connections. Tommy and I clashed massively after though. I came close to decking him and he'd have likely reciprocated had that happened. I hate that this is our relationship but I also refuse to be treated so horribly and I think he knows he was out of line. He came and gave me a heartfelt hug tonight and it felt sincere. Work was decent, I made good progress on some initiatives and tasks. I had Philz with Martin which was great, we've not connected for some time. An IKEA run with Lauren and Jen set us back $500+ but all good investments in the kid's rooms and our home.

Of course, in typical Craigslist fashion, the asswipe dipshit that was so hell-bent on getting the couches flaked failed to show and did not reply to text messages. And people wonder why I refuse to 'hold' anything. I ended up getting the couches taken regardless. Still, it did take additional effort and time on my part – again, due to an inconsiderate fuck who's got zero regard for other people's time and generosity. It makes me lose faith in humanity to try and deal with CL people, but there's more good than bad. I have to manage things in a manner that doesn't require my time to address. Set it out, post it, ignore inquiries and take it down when it's gone. I got a lot of other things done, again, including putting the umbrella up and moving a lot more stuff out to the curb and posted and taken too. I rolled more things to Pano, including overstocked wine and garage supplies of toiletries. I moved things around in anticipation of getting the metal shelves into Pano tomorrow, which is a blocker for other needs, so I'm hoping that gets done.

My mom came over for a nice dinner. Tommy helped, and we replaced her car's lifters for the hatchback. It almost knocked her over when she opened it, and it was harder to close than expected, but we worked out a handle for her. Jen and Lauren made cookies and ice cream too. It's shocking to Jen and me how 'natural' it feels to be in Panorama. We have succeeded in making it a place of our own. I still struggle with the course that brought us here, and when I see photos of Linda throughout the past year in my photos, at so many varied stages of health and decline, it's still upsetting. In hindsight, I wish I'd been more direct and discussed death with her on more open terms. It feels like she was cheated of that but also adamantly avoided it. Whatever the case, it still resonates and plays into my daily experiences. More and more so when I consider what I'm potentially worried about or trying to control.

Three days have flown by and my obsession with managing tasks and completing things I start has collided with my propensity to think I can squeeze one more task in. So much has been "in motion" that it's all a blur. It's hard to remember this morning let alone three days ago. That was Wednesday. I recall having put some finish touches and efforts into preparing Tommy's room for his return, including working further through the items still at Matson. I also thought to and acted on drilling a hole for his TV cabinet/shelf power cords.  Jen and I saw Lyle Lovett that night. I loved it, she enjoyed it, and we left in time to get to Pano before Tommy. He arrived around 10.25 pm and was pleasantly surprised. He gave me a big hug, said he missed us and was clearly thrilled that we had made the move. He repeated his gratitude and excitement for the next day or two and started working to set up his room. He bought some IKEA stuff and blinds and other things, much to my pleasure. It's still not clear what his next steps will be but for the moment him getting some counseling is my primary focus. Lauren's been adjusting well to the move as well, always up for doing things together. We've set up and are using the outdoor space far more than I could have imagined and significantly more than we did at Matson. The space just feels right, inside and out. It's a bit of a shock, a bit of a guilty pleasure, sad in retrospect that it wasn't enjoyed like this by Linda and I for all the time we spent here, and more than anything, simply calming. I managed to get a slew of other tasks managed this week including triaging and resolving WiFi thermostat issues by learning about and hooking up the Common wire, going to Kaiser and starting with a primary care physician that I really like, I sold more of the free weights, fixed the toilet flush issues in our bathroom, ordered and set up Lauren's mattress cover, and OMFG did I go at the rosemary by the driveway with a vengeance. I cleared that space to perfection. Every edge of the cement is visible and the trims are aligned. Over 1/2 was just under dirt and shrubs. I also got the KeyPoint account stuff managed and now have the kid's trust funds within my control. I will be dividing them and managing them independently. It's a pittance compared to the 401k inheritance but it's the only funds I can control and put towards education. Jen's getting more anxious about her job situation and that's bringing her down. I get that. I'd feel the same were the tables turned. I've been there. My hope is we can make the next 4-5yrs at good salaries but at the same time, I might not be here next year so that can impact your perspectives. Nothing is permanent.

I took PTO today to continue working on the move. Even though I have over a month, I want to focus on getting it all done right away. This is also hard because we're not moving into an empty home – we have so much stuff in both places, so there's a dance underway around timing and dependencies. The morning was enjoyable. The backyard space is so wonderful in the mornings. The haulers came and were done in 30min. I fixed the gate using some of the 2x4's which I thought to do before they arrived. It worked great, and the gate is functional again. I also did some fence repair on Pat's side too. I spent a good chunk of time going through Tommy's stuff at Matson, returning in the PM with Lauren to continue. I got a lot done there and helped Jen set up her closet shelves. We made Tommy's bed, and I'm looking forward to surprising him when he returns tomorrow, but he may be wiped out too. I'll not expect anything significant, but this move is a positive one for me. Weird. But positive.

I should be writing much more about today, but that'll have to wait. It was a milestone. As has been the case for many experiences this year, today was the end of one story and the beginning of another. Father's Day 2022 had me sitting on the patio of a house when my 18yr old daughter said, "Happy Father's Day," the same deck I've been absent from for 8+ years, and the same patio she said the same things ten years prior. I never imagined I'd be back in this place. The move went amazingly well. All the advanced efforts to consolidate, label and stage worked wonderfully. here was a 3hr minimum for the move. They started at 8:37 am and ended at 11:35 am. 2 min shy of 3hrs. That was partly due to my direction to stack the boxes in the garage to move into the house, as we got sidelined temporarily with a revision of the plans for the main bedroom furniture. We just hit the 3hr mark, and being good to my word, I tipped them, all three, generously, for having done such a fantastic job. We are sleeping her nightly now, starting tonight. In just 12 hours, it feels like a massive change occurred. It did. And it feels wonderful in more ways than it feels awkward. And it does feel uncomfortable. So much has and will continue to go into honoring and respecting Linda's presence and what I still believe has been the best of intentions. We have made efforts to change the place significantly and have more chances to make, but they'll have to happen while we're here. Lauren and I went to Post Modern Jukebox, but it was not happening for me. We enjoyed some tunes but left early, snagged some additional items from Matson and returned to enjoy the firepit with Jen and the dogs. Lucky's been throwing up. We're not sure WTH is going on and if it's the house, PTSD, or something he ate. This is a significant change for them and will take time to adapt. We'll see how things go overnight and tomorrow. Tomorrow is "Juneteenth," and the timing of this move has me more focused on tasks/to-dos than reflection, which is not my preference. We'll see how the day goes. Maybe I can squeeze in some audiobooks or podcasts while working on things.

This feels familiar. That I returned here is a story waiting to be written.

We managed to do it – we got up and got going, and got everything ready for the movers tomorrow. As I've mentioned repeatedly, this isn't the complete move, it's all the big stuff that I just don't want to manage at my age. Heavy lifting is not of interest. So tomorrow AM 3 guys and a truck will arrive, load beds, furniture, lamps and all the stuff that'd be a pain to manage solo. I'm not expecting it to take long, depending on the truck size and creative placement it might be one trip, it might be two. But once it's done we will have flipped the dynamic and Pano will be "home" while Matson goes into purge and clean mode. Deja Vu. It's bittersweet and frankly incomprehensible to put into true context. This is huge. It's a massive transition for myself, for Jen and I, for Lauren and Tommy, shit even for the damned dogs. It's another closure leading to adventures yet to come. How many more lie ahead? How smooth or bumpy will the next 12 months be after the prior? I am still coming to terms with so much of the path behind us, including the costs. We three went to Texas de Brazil for dinner. All the way to Concord. I wanted Jen to experience it and she enjoyed it as did Lauren of course, and I. We took a 2017 Tra Vigne Cab Franc and lingered and enjoyed a good meal. Tommy called and checked in on our way home and sounded a bit homesick. We stopped to check out Eataly so Jen could try their awesome gelato. I'm beat. It's been a long day and tomorrow will be a continuation.

I have a lot of hope for the year ahead. The act of (finally) pulling the trigger on the move to Panorama has brought a sense of anticipation into my routines. It's not reversible. Notice has been given and Matson is already on the market for rent starting in August. Things are going to be shaken up for a while but in a hopefully good way. The move will stretch out for a few weeks, easily, allowing me time to judiciously determine what really needs to come with us and what can be abandoned. Things like the typewriter and the African beetle have already come to mind as things to let go of. As I sat working today in Panorama looked around the very sparse surroundings it gave me a sense of calm and peace. As we move in more items we both have to have some significant need for or attachment toisem, and they can't be things we box or hide either. That's a big challenge. That will take some effort. Meanwhile, work was good, really good, but I have a lot of things to do on an already overloaded 3-day weekend. Today I managed to also get things ready for the movers to bring things in Sunday – all of the junk got picked up, I talked to Yoshi and when I saw his wine boxes on the street I gave him an MR 2017 Sangiovese, then he showed up about 10 min later with a 2014 Peter Michael Chardonnay. I generous gesture given how highly rated it is. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better once we move in. I significantly cleared the back patio and I even set up Linda's legacy area as I had discussed with Lauren. I'm looking forward to her seeing it tomorrow. Tommy's in Florida and still doesn't know that we'll be in Panorama when he returns. We three will be working at Matson tomorrow to get things packed, partially, for the Sunday move of the larger items. We'll be delaying a great deal of stuff because we have to have the time to decide what stays or goes, and what goes can be easily transported each day until we're ready to sell, donate or toss what's left. Jen and I attended Vaness and Glen's son's baptism dinner at Il Fornaio and indulged in some awesome desserts. I'm staying in my range but at the high end so the next couple of days will require some focused discipline. I have a birthday coming up and firm intentions of being at an exact place that day, weight and blood pressure and a few other things.

Quite a busy day today. And yesterday too. A good deal of time working from Panorama and working well. In off cycles, I have been successful in getting everything, with Jen's help, gathered and out for the annual trash pickup. It was fortuitous to have run into Joan on a walk and have her give me the info, or I might have missed it. Not only did I get most if not all of the stuff collected, but many items got picked up via Craigslist. I hate that it might go into a landfill. Managing selling or even free stuff takes more time than you'd imagine. But this week, the squat rack was sold and removed, and the armoire, bikes, and numerous other items, including the steel rails from the skateboard ramp, all got taken. The front is clear, and the side alley can now hold the bins as it was in years prior. Things are progressing. It's still surreal and, yes, upsetting to comprehend that something positive has come from something tragic and negative. I don't take that lightly. I'll probably wrestle with it on several levels for the rest of my life. But at the same time as the house gets painted, the order is restored, and changes are made to make it a new fresh home…. It all feels right. Lauren and I saw "Dear Evan Hansen tonight. It was powerful, and I enjoyed it. It saddens me, but that's perhaps just where my head is. I had a good lunch with Marlin and feel positive about the directions at work, as well as a subsequent conversation with Natasha about 'owners' of projects being delegated across recourses. That would help a great deal.

Monday was spent wrestling further with iPhone/Watch rest blues. My threshold is almost non-existent. I'm angry and pissed and frustrated at everything and everybody. I can't quite explain it, but if I dig down, I feel like a lot of it goes to feeling overwhelmed by the sense of being responsible for solving pretty much anything and everything. And being judged as responsible for not fixing things, too. Proactively, of course. Returning to work didn't help. I'm overloaded there too. And although I have been wrestling with the pros and cons I made the final decision Monday that we're moving into Panorama ASAP. I even gave notice to the Matson landlord. Tommy left for his Florida trip last night with Eric and crew. He doesn't know yet about the move happening quickly, but when he returns in one week we will be at least set up to start sleeping/living there while going back and forth to make further choices about what gets taken. It's gonna be a process. We're going to be downsizing a lot. That's harder than I expected. My counseling appointment with Denise went well, I felt, and it was good to talk about my own core issues and historical influences. Jen and I worked from Pano for the afternoon – I sold more weights and the squat rack too while Jen worked on painting our bedroom closets.

Focal Pointless Camera – Before and After

The past week was spent in Nevada and Utah with Lauren, during which I set aside the daily journaling. I'll capture the details about it elsewhere, but it was a wonderful week. I'll repeat here the text I sent Jen before returning: "This trip will be a memory she will treasure. Best investment I could make in our relationship." I will treasure it too. We returned Saturday am, and most of the day yesterday and today was spent trying to get some momentum around purging much of the 'excess crap' we have at Matson that we won't take to Panorama. We have to start ramping up that effort. Jen's job might be at risk, and if that's the case, it'll be all the more critical to cut the dual-home expenses regardless of Panorama's readiness. It's "ready" enough that we could start living there as soon as we get the furniture we need to move over. This week is going to be a defining one. In addition, Tommy's heading to Florida with Eric and family early Tuesday and will be gone for eight days. That'll afford us some opportunity to make some aggressive moves inducing decisions about what goes or stays. I return to work tomorrow too, which will be challenging. I have been detached for the entire week with little/no real engagement, so I'll need to 'catch up' with in-flight tasks again. Oh, while on vacation, my iPhone camera suddenly refused to focus. After triaging and doing everything necessary to debug down to complete wiping without resolution, I had to take it to Apple and pay for a new camera. It's out of warranty and that allegedly 'happens.' I am less upset about the cost as I am about the timing during vacation, and worse, the ripple effect of resetting breaking shortest and CarPlay settings and numerous other stuff that how has to be found through usage … meaning I'll be spending a week or two encountering things to resolve. This is why I tend to want to walk away from tech, but that's not an option in today's society. I can't even get into a concert anymore without a connected device; they're that essential. But I am going to reduce some of the customizations because of this. Every once in a while, I'm reminded that spending hours savings seconds can take time to result in a positive ROI.

It's been a busy weekend. Jennifer had a 'girls' night' on the patio Friday with neighbors and a friend who brought more whine than wine. We went, on a whim, to the DeAnza flea market on Saturday morning. It remains an intersection of shopping and browsing through the catalog of my past. Kitchen stools, pogo sticks, tinker toys and a long-sought Lenny Bruce LP (which I already had of my parents, just without the cover, which is essential). We stopped by my mom's and showed her the LP, and she pointed me to the box in the den still filled with a wide array of their albums, all for me to take as I please. Wow. The older I get, the more I look back at such subtle reminders of the past. Along with theirs, I found a modest array of my own. All are now at Panorama, along with several additions found Sunday in Boulder Creek. One, a K-TEL LP, was something I was thinking about Saturday while driving with Jen to Matt's, and then boom…. It's in a bin at SWAG when we go Sunday morning for a different purpose. That left me speechless. I'm good for now, I think. The reason for the trip was to buy the cement face I wanted, but it was sadly gone—my loss for waiting. Last night we saw Diana at Mark and Lyn's and the usual suspects. It was great; I had a good time but perhaps too much wine myself. Maybe I need to set a two-drink maximum as previously threatened. It's just hard to pass up when I get to try new and distinct wines. Things with Tommy have been stable but in a good part because I've just avoided getting into things. Today he pressed about moving plans, and I told him again we had to talk about and discuss agreements for his non-college future. He hung up and texted me a nasty comment. Unbelievable. Lauren worked and got her haircut afterward in advance of our VEGAS trip tomorrow. When returning from Boulder Creek, Jen and I made an impromptu stop at Byington to relax and taste. It was a welcome break and fun to share some one-on-one time before Lauren and my trip. We are talking again about moving into Panorama ASAP, regardless of its state. The longer we wait, the less we get done and spend more on two places. We might press for something Mid-June; we're still talking over options.

This was a week filled with reunions and processions. The highlights being that my dear friend and management mentor Mary came to CA to see Tears for Fears. She stayed at Panorama, we reconnected with our mutual friends Dan, Brian K and Tara Murphy. It was perhaps one of the highlights of my year alongside my cousin's recent visit. Man, I got old, and I'm glad I'm here to reflect on it. We've come through some drama and trauma in our respective lives, having parted on our independent journeys that have brought us back to points of reflection and recognition of shared history and bonds. Sharing the opportunity I had to gift the tickets to her, Tara and Jess was far more rewarding than any resale or recoup of costs could have ever been. The concert itself was wonderful. It was the night of Tommy and Lauren's graduation, and we enjoyed the VIP accommodations. Jen and I were dancing throughout the entire 1hr 45min performance, looking around and recognizing that we likely looked as old as those around us. Before Mary came to Pano we cleared out everything of Tommy's and took it to Matson. It's part of the process of getting some boundaries in place going forward. It's difficult but also necessary. Meanwhile, we're getting along reasonably well but nothing's really changed beyond my approach. Hopefully, reasonable conversations lie ahead for us about his future, our home, civility, consideration and counseling. There's a slew of other moments, thoughts, observations and ideas that were a part of this past week but they'll have to find their way into future posts.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.5 lbs,❤️ 61.4 bpm, 👣 7755.3 steps, 🧘🏼8 min