2020 Vision

All I want from the year aheads falls easily into a single word. "Stability".



I know. I have it good. I have a good relationship filled with unparalleled support and acceptance. I have two wonderful kids who’ll never doubt that’s how I see them. I have family and friendships all poised for continued and increasing engagement and intimacy in the years ahead. I've remained employed through financially trying times. And I have a dog. Who can’t be happy when they have a dog?



I have a lot to be happy about. Yet, I don’t feel safe.



I feel like I’m riding a bike along a curb, right at that moment where you come so close to the edge that the direction you might fall is momentarily beyond your control. Yeah, it’s like that. It’s like Steven Wright quipped, “You know that moment you wake up feeling like you’re falling? I feel like that ALL THE TIME”.



It’s because I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I’m financially supporting one household 100% and another 66%. I don’t know what lies ahead for my career path and employment. My mom’s having health issue My car’s having engine iissues. And I seem to be randomly falling apart as well.



My hope for 2020 is to simply keep my head above water while paddling judiciously towards more shallow ground. I need to cautiously inch my way off of the rug I’m so anxiously anticipating having suddenly yanked from under me. If I can do that, If I can just work towards a place where I will have options other than just staying afloat, I’ll be able to line up with an move aggressively in the direction of where I want to go next.



I do have some goals and plans for the year ahead that, after spending 2019 focused on introspection, will fuel positive changes in a wide range across my life and that of others. I’ll write more about those when the time comes.

Highlight(s): It's been a good few days. Tommy's in Tahoe with Eric G and sons, Lauren's coming tomorrow solo and I'm looking forward to some time with her. Nigel and Marissa came down tonight for a family gathering that included Lindsey and Ryan and my mom. It was great. A wonderful fun casual evening with home made pizza and multi-generational dialogs. It was a milestone night, I hope, in torch passing.


Gratitude: Connections


Anticipation: Resumeing "A Man Called Ove"


Accomplishments: Mindfulness Cleanup

Dinner at Steve/Diana's last night was fun but I ate and drank more than I should so sleep wasn't optimal. I had a nice AM w/the kids, dropped them at their Mom's and returned to work w/Jen on a slew of house cleaning and prep for family coming 12/24. Got the patio and living rooms all massively cleaned and will continue tomorrow. She cooked a slew of food for the week for us. I watched "The Sound of My Voice" documentary about Linda Rondstadt and really enjoyed it. Her singing standards with Nelson Riddle remains a personal favorite. And her seemingly resolved manner of dealing with Parkinson's is admirable. Watched a couple of "Mrs Maysel" shows and liked it but don't know that I want to commit to continuing. I have other tasks to tackle of more importance.

Gratitude: I enjoy clearing clutter like we did today w/all the plastic food container.

Goal: Work on my Jan plans this week

Anticipation: Kids tomorrow again!

Watched: "The Sound of my Voice". Read: A Man Called Ove

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Dog was 'off' all day. A bit disconcerting. Seems to have come back around now, in the late evening. Symptoms all point to an upset stomach. Likely from all the crap he was fed yesterday. Took Lauren to "Waitress" - fun play, and a great evening w/her. Love building memories. Drop at her moms and came home. Board meeting tomorrow so gonna get to sleep, get up early, get out early, beat traffic, etc.

Gratitude: Chances I have to make changes in so many ways, with small efforts. Gotta do it more.

Goal: Nail it at the board meeting. Show myself as critical component.

Anticipation: Down time tomorrow.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Relatively routine work day. Guidance counselor meeting w/Tommy and Linda re grades and next semester. Much to his chagrin the point was made that some changes in level of class difficulty was warranted and he conceded. It'll make his life much easier. He came home with me afterwards and I really do think he enjoys having the time together. Picked up Lauren and Viktorija and Curtis at Leigh and dropped them, then Matson for dinner and low key evening.

Gratitude: I'm grateful that I'm working with both kids to be independent adults.

Goal: Fast tomorrow to clear out some lingering gerdness

Anticipation: Waitress with Lauren

Listened To: Melinda Gates Interviews on Podcasts.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

A good day with the kids. Some 1:1 time in the AM talking to Tommy about some family dynamic issues. Then a dog walk outing, some food, time spent just hanging out and talking at the table. Punted plans to see a movie and make a trip to see my mom with them. Retuned for lunch at home and then went to Tommy's hockey game. Got some good photos w/the new camera. PM homework help and general prep for the next day.

Gratitude: Two really good people happened to be my kids.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Highlight(s): Scottie to Campbell for a nice long walk. Very mindful as we did so. Appreciating nature, sounds. Returned to Matson for a fantastic breakfast. GOBM run. Jen cooked food for the week. Tommy asked to come over tonight vs tomorrow am and I OK'd w/his mom's permission. He came, sat with us and chatted, and literally work on his Math homework and an English essay without being told to, without oversight, and showed the results on his own accord.

Gratitude: The peace that comes from a harmonious rapport

Goal: working out reviving monthly challenges: Jan likely about writing, walking and one more. TBD.

Anticipation: Jumanji 2 tomorrow

Watched/Read/Listened To: Conscious Uncoupling, The Moment of Lift audiobooks. One Child Nation documentary (powerful and moving, and makes one wonder about free will and propeganda.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Good onsite day in RWC and PM at home. Relatively low key evening sans being pulled into a Linda/Tommy situation which I did my best to stay out of regardless of my own concerns for the home environment and negative impacts.

Gratitude: Enjoyined walking the dog post-rain and seeing him enjoying all the fresh smells.

Anticipation: A cleaning and cooking day at home.

Watched/Read/Listened To: Conscious Uncoupling Audiobook. TV: Southpark and a bit of a documentary about horror movies.

A good day across the board. Took kids to school, dropped Tommy and had breakfast w/Lauren at LGCafe. 1st time I've been there in a long time and we seldom do these sorta things so…. yeah. Decent work day. Highlight was holiday dinner w/Geeks at Dry Creek Grill. Returned w/bone for Scottie that's taken him into another realm of focus and consciousness for the rest of the night.

Gratitude: my geek friends. The dynamic is like the Beatles and we all bring something together that's better becomes of each other.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness

What Does Gender Bias?

The older i get, the more opportunity I have to reflect on my "OK, boomer" status in todays ever changing society. Much like the memories I have of adults thinking that 13 channels of broadcast TV (which went off the air at 1am) was more than sufficient, or that the rotary dial phones with curly cords connected to the receiver worked just as well as a battery powered portable doohickey which was too easily misplaced, or that new fangled ovens heating up pre-packaged foods in seconds took the heart and nutrition out of the concept of a family meal… I too have been forming my own curmudgeonly perspectives on these kids today.

So, as I sit here, rocking slowly in my old porch swing, old-blue sleeping deeply at my feet after rounding up the sheep and working the meat off the bone Ma set out for him from our supper, there's something nagging at my mind. As the red sun sinks at last into the hills of gold, while drawing pensively on my evening pinch of tobacco, my mind keeps drifting off the remaining demands of the evening before I retire to my armchair beside the Philco and catch the next episode of The Shadow.

I can't stay focused on anything right now because I can't stop thinking about sex.

Lauren didn't get the part this time but it was a good experiences for her to try out. She'll still be doing tech and watching/learning and hopefully getting some inspiration to put into the next casting call. Tommy's grades are really frustrating and i'm trying to help him as much as possible but it's a 'horse to water' situation and I'm having to recognize that it's far more within his control than it is mine. Going to reduce the access to distractions though. Further. Hoping he pulls some miracles out of his ass in the next week but i'm not holding my breath. That being said if he's pulling stuff out of his ass maybe holding my breath's a good idea.

Gratitude: The openness I feel to trying to look at things from multiple angles. Sometimes.

Goal: Continue managing weight and impacts of select foods

Anticipation: Dinner w/geeks tomorrow.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

A good calm day even with a car battery issue. Corrosion in the terminal cables. Gonna set me back a bit but that's what cars do. Good work day w/lots of productive meetings. Kids dropped at 6pm, dinner at Pollo Loco again for the fun of it. That'll wear out quickly. Tommy went to scouts. He wants me to belay at the upcoming climbing outing but I just can't do it. My neck issues were really bad the last time I tried and I don't feel safe doing it again. It sucks but it's part of accepting the situation with my neck. I'm in no hurry to accelerate a surgery that'll limit me as much as it will. Highlight of the evening was Lauren's excitement over getting a 2nd callback for reading for their next play. We rehearsed into the evening. We also got Strauss egg nog but the dairy/sugar combo was deadly for my stomach.

Gratitude: watching my kids have their own interests

Goal: Get some final tasks lined up for CCPA

Watched/Read/Listened To: Conscious Uncoupling

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Good work day with time onsite. Tabitha brought in Rye Choc Chip cookies so the sugar/gluten moratorium took a brief hiatus. Decent afternoon at home. Checked in on my mom after Lindsey took her to dr yesterday due to cold/infection and she seems to be doing better. Lauren called excited about getting a callback from the audition so we'll see if there's more to come in that effort. Tommy played Hockey. I reached out to new friend Nevin to reconnect and will continue the effort to setup a get together. Walked Scottie w/Jen, trimmed hair around his eyes. Watched 3rd episode of Bill's Brain…. so incredible to see the effort w/nuclear power, and so powerful to consider how obsolete ideas and technologies take such significant effort to reframe and move forward.

Gratitude: I'm grateful to feel, at times, relatively safe and secure.

Goal: Put in a strong work day.

Anticipation: Seeing kids tomorrow pm.

Watched/Read/Listened To: Bill's Brain Episode 3.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Another really great day. Made a great breakfast with the kids and really enjoyed the new 10am drop off time. Having that extra hour was so pleasant. Walked the dog w/Jen and we spent some time at Savers and cleaned up the house before starting to watch "The Irishman". But while returning from dropping something to Lauren I thought about time timing and opportunity we had to get our tree, so we did. A quick run to Home Depot and back and a 2-try effort to get it properly seated in the stand and it was up. We got it decorated and she made an amazing dinner and we watched the movie with a few breaks as needed. A really great weekend, much needed, too.

Gratitude: Finding balance.

Goal: Maintaining balance.

Watched/Read/Listened To: The Irishman

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Great well paced day. Slept in just a bit, made coffee, got some supplies and Lauren/Jen made a great breakfast and Lauren made quiche's for her class project too. They came out perfect. Ran Tommy on a few errands including meeting a buyer at Pano for his bunk bed and Tommy opt'd to just let him have it. Such a pay-it-forward move. Proud of him. Lauren went to theater work, Tommy spent time at friends then had several over. Jen and I watched the 2nd Inside Bill's Brain episode and it was fascinating. I'm thinking I need to take 'think week' breaks of my own. Lauren took forever at pickup, I patiently waited and consciously recognized that I wanted to give her the time she needed and not press her to come the instant I arrived… she came out 15min later and shared she was going to audition for a part in next play and was filling out forms. Hoping that pans out. My break from vices and more focused eating are helping with stomach issues so i'll be keeping that up.

Gratitude: What I have with Jen.

Anticipation: The Irishman

Watched/Read/Listened To: 2nd Episode of "Inside Bill's Brain"

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Parenting

Dropped Tommy @7 and walked Scottie w/Lauren at the park by Shannon. Love the memories of that area. Did a 2-loop mountain drive and dropped Lauren. Good work day. Had to convey holding pattern on Insart team which sucks but is what it is. Good onsite time and lunch and PM time at home. Tommy dropped early and hung out while i worked. Went to see "She Kills Monsters". It had more adult themes and sexual innuendos than I'm accustomed to for a high school play but it was still fun and had a positive message to it. Snagged Polo Loco en route home. Played around a bit w/VR headset.

Gratitude: Glad my daughter has interests and friends.

Goal: Keep on top of what i'm eating and hopefully resolve some of the digestive issues I've been having.

Anticipation: low key Saturday.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): Got a couple of good walks in today. Made Orange Chicken for Tommy and we went out for him to get some clothes while Lauren was at Theater Tech preparing for opening night tomorrow. Tommy found some good deals and it was a pleasant way to spend time together. Washed and even ironed his new Flannel shirt for him. Picked up Lauren along with Vijtoria and Curtis to drop en route. Love having them with us.

Gratitude: Jennifer remains a wonderful partner and I still find myself amazed that we ended up together.

Goal: Go into work tomorrow for some face time.

Anticipation: Seeing "She Kills Monsters" tomorrow night.

Watched: CNN "The Movies" Documentaries.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Highlight(s): I'm recognizing a need and desire to return to this daily journal. It's a small effort that gives me so much return over time. I'm looking at options on how to integrate this into my other blog and capture random thoughts vs daily summaries. For now, though, I'm reviving the effort. Work has been demanding and concerning, time with the kids is limited due to their own activities and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed if not in denial about the path ahead for the next chapter in life. Lots to manage. Meanwhile I have struggled with some physical issues that I am actively working to address.

Gratitude: The way our dog follows me can be annoying and endearing all at the same time. I'm grateful for the opportunity to have gotten out for a walk this am. The calm app and all it's content are invaluable to me. I'm glad I feel like I have an ability and opportunity to connect with friends and family in sincere ways. I'm fortunate to have the opportunities I have in life, across the board.

Goal: Getting some blocking work tasks addressed.

Anticipation: Seeing the kids tonight.

Watched/Read/Listened To: CNN Movies documentary series. Calm App "Gratitude" series

‪I woke at 3AM to the single sharp crisp clear sound of Scottie's bark. Just one... then... total silence. I called his name and looked around the house. He was nowhere. I returned to the bedroom and found him deep asleep. The bark was one of us dreaming. Still not sure who, though.‬