AM dad/daughter time : Crepevile in Mt View. Discussed the walkathon and Lauren becoming our event coordinator. She's already found something for October. I also found something fun for November - A Christmas Story (musical). Gonna work on that this week. Tommy retuned from camping loving his new camera and he got some awesome shots. I'm looking fwd to getting the adapter for the 75-300 lens. Cleanup day, then wonderful dinner at Jon/Cheryls. Raspberry Chipotle Chicken, 2015 MR Malbec, 2014 Hurley Merlot, grilled peaches w/ice cream, and awesome conversations. Great week ending.

Gratitude: Jennifer. She's so consistently balanced, flexible, and genuine.

Goal: Meditation in the AM, Onsite time in RWC tomorrow.

Listened To: Lesson from Lucy – Loving it. Send a copy to Steve/Diana.

Accomplishments: Meditation Stretching Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Early start : drop Tommy off for overnight scout camping, St Jude Walkathon in SF @ Zoo. Lauren to tech. Evening drive up Hwy 9, down Page Mill. Stanford Mall (Jen iPhone 11 Max. Walburgers.

Watched: Hairspray

Worked from home. Made Chicken Mole dinner for kids. Ran Tommy out to buy a Canon M5 DSLR camera. relatively uneventful day.

Gratitude: Kids having their interests and identifies

Anticipation: Walkathon tonmorrow.

Accomplishments: Parenting Cleanup

Actually had a decent night's sleep for a change. Slept in. Jen WFH. Good work day spent whittling down my task list further. Tommy sent an awesome time-lapse (see twitter) he shot overnight. He's indicated his schoolwork's done and on the upswing. Hoping to see that online tomorrow. Watched 1st 1/2 of "IT" with Tommy until he was tired. May continue tomorrow. Walked Scottie with Lauren and Jen. Jen's buried in a work task and irritated so… keeping my distance.


Goal: wrap up work week on a high note w/full detailed status report.


Anticipation:


Listened To: The Cinefiles on The Big Lebowski


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

We were awakened at 2pm as scottie scrambled through the screenless-open-window he uses as a dog door, to bark incessantly at a baby possum that was walking precariously along the side fence as he 'lost his shit' in a total meltdown over it. He's long wanted to catch whatever he hears in the bushes and this was a huge payoff moment. Psycho-puppy sat at the (closed) window and frantically bolted about the house watching for it for another 2hrs, panting and whining exhaustively. It was annoying and adorable all at the same time. Morning was calm - walked dog, worked and got some deliverables done, walked dog again (Bel Gato), tackled some scouts and schedule and other ad-hoc tasks in the PM. Enjoyed a Martin Ranch rose w/Jen. Kids with mom but both called and shared things : Tommy doing a star-trail long exposure and Lauren being given sound design for haunted house! Sofaking awesome.

Gratitude: Jen's delight listening to Hairspray soundtrack.

Goal: Get more done tomorrow. Get up early too.

Anticipation: Hopefully seeing more reduction on the scale tomorrow.

Listened To: Blind Spots

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Cleanup

Quite the long day: Early morning rise, Tommy to school, Lauren doing dog care for Tom and Janice, Starbucks with Lauren, drop her and drive into work (1.25 hour trip for what is regularly a 35 minute drive), board meeting (went reasonably well), lunch walk and chat with a couple of of colleagues, executive huddle that I participated in less than I hoped, but aggressively towards the end, distracted by concurrent parallel juggling of options for the evenings' Hamilton tickets (Jen bowed out so I juggled friends availability and ended up going with Marya), great dinner at Sams, excellent performance (again) of the play, arrived home to be warmly greeted by Scottie and Jen. Good day all around. Have I mentioned how much can happen in 1 day?

Gratitude: Friends that appreciate the arts

Goal: Nail some lingering tasks tomorrow w/focused execution – get as much done as possible during working hours, focus on home tasks after.

Anticipation: Sleeping in just a bit and reclaiming some balance in eating routine thrown off by the day.

Watched: Uh… Hamilton?

One benefit of this routine is proving to be that it forces me to recognize just how much, or sometimes how little, transpires in a single day. Stopping to remember can be challenging but rewarding. I had a restless night 'cause I was struggling with the dog biting at Lauren. It wasn't an attack as much as a reaction to something that set him off and we've all talked about it and agree it was a lark incident with lots of probably explanations. We'll not stick our face in his further, at least when he's not 100% awake, alert and tail wagging. Also keep rough play to non-face/non-hands and just to toys. I've watched him all and and he's seemingly back to normal, and it was a normal routine day too. That was good. Jen took my car to work, i worked from home all day. Put together slides for tomorrow's board meeting. I listed the Hamilton tix on craigslist 'cause Jen's not into going and nobody w/be home w/the dog. I'm also considering going solo or with Jonathan Suker if we can work out logistics. The seats are 4th row center and part of me wants to find some young kids who're in the nose bleeds and just swap w/them as a way of paying it forward. But if JS goes that's off the plate. Got news too that David found Sean, my half brother, after a life time of believing him to be fully MIA. Oddly enough David 'found' him on LinkedIn, connected to him, and he's been so for 4+ years! How incredible. Man he looks like David and Dad, it's stunning. He wrote to him and will let me know what he hears back. Hopefully before another 4 years goes by. We walked the dog around Salvatore Dr and the park tonight while Tommy did homework and Lauren was at theater tech. Great area and we're starting to get our ducks lined up for next year's options. Tommy was defensive about school work but also 'came around' shortly after as he's prone to do. I can't force him to fix his grades but I can offer assistance, including him finding a tutor. Linda wrote lamenting financial circumstances and it's infuriating that she's as much of a dependent as she is…. the courts told her to better her circumstances but she's totally unwilling to make the effort to do so. She takes zero responsibility for herself and her role in their lives as a provider. Infuriating. I got Lauren at 9pm, she took care of pano neighbor's dog, grabbed shoes from mom's for tommy and her backpack, made panini's for late dinner (herself) and chatted with us until bed. Jens snoozing, dog's snoring, i'm showered and shaved for the meeting tomorrow and will be making an early exit and a late late return. Like I said, lots can transpire in a single day.

Gratitude: David finding Sean.

Goal: Be as involved in discussions tomorrow as possible. Visibility matters.

Anticipation: Hamilton the 6th

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Kind of in shock, processing that Scottie took a bite at Lauren's face while she was kissing him goodnight. There's lots of rationalizations to be made about him having a long day including a ride to/from SF, walking in different neighborhoods, the Marioni's visiting, having different foods, etc… lots of routine's broken. Plus he was clearly exhausted and sleeping when she came to say goodnight to him. He responded with aggression at first pass, seemingly asleep, then again a moment later and that time breaking the skin on her lip. Very very minor, but traumatic for her, and frankly, fuck the dog. I'm devoted to this dog but I'll put him down without hesitation if it means he might otherwise traumatize or injure my daughter. Hell, I might not even wait to do it humanely. I don't fuck with this shit. There is no excuse and zero tolerance from me.



Betides that, Mrs Lincoln…. The rest of the day was great. Looked at 1263 Sabatorie Dr house, went shopping at mall where Tommy got deals for himself, and I ran to south SF to pickup shoes Tommy wanted from a Craigslist seller. Steak dinner w/kids and then Marioni clan for drinks/dessert. Overall awesome day. Just ended on a sour note.




Gratitude: I'm glad the nip by the dog wasn't worse. Really really glad.


Anticipation: Hamilton this Tuesday.


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Martin Ranch trip was great. Bought more wine than we should have, but it'll get used at Christmas time. Kids with Mom. Lauren went to theater tech leadership conference. Found a 'dream home' but even if we could swing the cost, recession scares make me think twice. If not more.

Gratitude: Lauren. She's so awesome and had such character.

Goal: Talk to kids about chores and grades.

Anticipation: Kids with us tomorrow.

Watched "Just Eat It" and "River Blue" - Both mind-blowing. Makes we sad 'cause I feel powerless.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness

Early day in RWC - staff reduction of 1 - they handled it well. Rest of the day was routine. PM included going to Tommy's game and shooting photos of him. Then off to Mt Winery to see Death Cab for Cutie…. likely one of the best shows I've seen in years, perhaps even in the top 10 of my life. It was incredible. And I was completely immersed and present through all of it by leaving my phone in the car so I could be 'there'. Great night.

Gratitude: Walking on bleachers at the game reminded me of a time I could not walk, and might not again. I'm so fortunate.

Goal: Stay on course with weight loss efforts and have a balanced day tomorrow.

Anticipation: Martin Ranch w/the Gomez's.

Read/Listened To: The Highly Sensitive Man. Sent a copy to Eric Fisher too, as a gift.

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Cleanup

Kids dropped 1x1, both cutting close and Lauren was late due to left turn signal not engaging… rgggggh. Sat thru 3 cycles until worked. WTH? Good call w/Insart discussing recruiting status and ideas. Took dog on a walk at Bel Gato which he loved… may do that more often… Good working afternoon. Jen/I took dog back out for PM walk in woodsy park – the damned guy's all about the wilderness. It's funny. Then we worked together for much of the night on house stuff, laundry, cleanup. I showered/shaved so AM is easier since i'm going into RWC early.

Gratitude: Not getting called for Jury Duty after all. So far. Seems unlikely at this point.

Goal: Manage AM work related task with compassion and decorum.

Anticipation: Going to see Tommy's game, then Death Cab at Mtn Winery.

Watched Django Unchained. Read/Listened To "Highly Sensitive Men" and found it enlightening and revealing.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Got kids to school a bit earlier, helps to not have that stress. Meditation was good, too. Jury duty didn't happen. Got some long-delayed stuff done like the Zoom documentation for work. Also engaged well in meetings. Jen WFH - nice having company. I'm thinking I might venture out tomorrow for my 8am Insart call and work from LG or Campbell or elsewhere so I can get out for a while. I'll be going into RWC early Friday to handle some HR related needs. Kids were great tonight - not too demanding. Tommy had a moment of frustration earlier ... I empathize w/his demeanor while recognizing my own infuence which is not what I want for him. He recovered well though.

Gratitude: I'm doing well on my eating these past two days and feeling the motivation to continue.

Goal: Maintain focus on engagement, health, and balance.

Anticipation: Friday Death Cab at Mt Winery.

Listened To: Dave Barry audiobook

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Slept 'late' [8am] - crappy sleep due to having eaten/drinking too much, dog activity added to it too. Jury duty check = nothing today, check back tomorrow. Decent AM working, moderate PM, seeing a pattern. Picked up kids, got 'em fed, dropped Tommy at Scouts then retrieved him. Worked on backups, found some interesting movie related podcasts. Decided to fast for most of the day to help 'detox' a bit. Helped.

Goal: Resume job search efforts… I need some options and a runway too.

Anticipation: Weighing in later this week and hopefully seeing some progress in the right (downward) direction.

Read/Listened To "The Highly Sensitive Man"

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Good AM work, PM was meh - i'm concerned about the business and revenues so it's distracting. Fun GNO. Lauren got into ThesCon and she's all excited. Tommy's grades are tanking and i'm trying to get him taking care of it.

Read "Blindspot"

Accomplishments: Meditation Cleanup

Highlight(s): Kids slept late, I didn't realize how late until too late. Tried to coordinate a custody change time shift and issues and accusations followed. I did my usual best trying to convey coping skills and positive attitudes to the kids. In parallel I sent an email about consequences for further negative comments and blaming texts. Kids dropped before 9.10am. Tackled a backlog of tasks including moving printer to new network (PITA), direct ethernet initial time-machine backup to 4TB Time Capsule is under way (complete with terminal tweak to un-throttle background tasks), mowed and edged and made room for mower in garage too. Grocery shopped w/Jen and she made a slew of stuff for the week ahead. Grateful to have heard a comment/tangent on Cine-Files "The 3rd Man Part @" that resonated deeply re the last 6 years of efforts trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. More on that elsewhere. Got a 2.5mile walk in w/Jen and Scottie in Campbell, been awhile. He got a bath tonight too. Played around w/high CBD oils in an effort to test effectiveness on my neck/arm pain but not sure it's effective yet.

Goal: Focused hit-list of task for work tomorrow – tackle like I tackled the tasks today.

Anticipation: GNO

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Full day. Shopping with Jen and Lauren. Lauren to Theater tech for the day. Marioni picnic. Freaky Friday play (awesome fun). Mark/Lyn gathering. Lauren pickup/drop at post-play wrap party near Carlton. Drama mid-day over Tommy going go Pano after helping Marioni's instead of getting a ride back to Matson. Which I understand. She's just being her.

Anticipation: Down time tomorrow

Last onsite day for Eng team. All indicated it being a positive experience and enjoyed reconnecting. Engaging lunch session too, with others, discussing books, AI, law enforcement, and more. Tommy dropped early and we went to Aqui in campbell but it was too crowded so we took it home. He spent the evening doing a bit of Minecraft but also out with neighbor friends. Lauren Theater tech ended around 9.30 and she decided to skip hanging out w/friends after but will tomorrow. Jen was w/Marya playing Bingo until late.


Anticipation: Busy day tomorrow w/a BBQ, the play (matinee) and then dinner at Mark/Lynns.


Read some of "Blindspot" book - about unconscious biases. It's really good.


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Stanford appointment: surgery is inevitable but aggressive and the result will be 50% reduction in movement, all directions. Pretty sucky. Going to try some conservative options 1st. Nothing will resolve the issues but might make it more bearable until ihere's no other options. I'll check back w/them in 6 months. Work was good, another day of engArch focus. Good 1:1 w/OPS guy and then MM to discussion options/actions to incorporate the teams. Didn't go see Lauren's play due to a few concurrent factors but will go Sat 2pm instead. Tommy played 1st game, scored a tackle, they won. He's super behind in grades and has way too much on his plate and is defensive as hell about it so I'm trying to calmly assist, which is resisted. Lauren did her first board control for the show and got good feedback from her crew, which is great. It's nice seeing her so integrated into something she likes doing. I'm grateful to see them coming into their own identities.

Read "Invisible Women" - pretty amazing to see all the unconsciously prevalent gender bias called out. Great read. Makes me proud that I stopped calling my team 'you guys' when there are women included.

I need to meditate - I've skipped it for several days

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Another day in RWC and another painfully long drive in. It's ridiculous that it takes over 1.25 hrs to get into RWC. Just ridiculous. But I got there, and we had our hack effort w/Symfony which went well. Emergency BBQ run fail due to closure, so 3 pigs to go worked instead. Offsite at 'the office' was pleasant but brief. Big welcome from the dog. Had a fucked up text from Linda while at work/offsite attacking me with accusations about saying things to the kids about her hoarding cash, when it's them that have expressed it before, but I didn't reply and don't give a damn anymore because she's not interested in my side, my experiences, my efforts, my good intentions, my generosity… she's just focused on herself. Completely. Still I had to pickup X-rays for tomorrow's appointment, took dog, saw Lauren briefly, returned home. Irritation level is high and Jen's typical routine of leaving food out annoyed me. Asked her to put it away, but my irritation was clear and she went on the defense and that spiraled too. Not a good evening nor a precursor to going for surgical consult tomorrow about my neck, which I'm more anxious about than I tend to let on.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness

Letting kids manage more of their daily routines without oversight. Still enjoy making egg sandwich for Tommy though. Got 'em both off to school on time, barely. Need to work on that still. More buffer. Drop into office - horrendous traffic. 1hr+ to RWC in a crawl 1/2 of the way. Team discussions went well. Felt productive. It's rewarding to work w/such smart people. Tomorrow should be an interesting day for hack-a-thon efforts. Took a mental break in the PM, hammock time and tripping over 'stream of consciousness' reflections on the kids, divorce, and putting it all into context as to respective perspectives and ideas … and how it impacts in positive and negative ways. Deep thoughts followed by a little espresso-infused vodka and ice to end the night.

Accomplishments: Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Had to run Tommy by Pano before school, asked him to contact his mom to get it ok'd. Did so, and later received an email grievance. Deleted it. She's wrong about her position and IDGAF about arguing or engaging at all. Dropped Lauren on time, headed into work early for 1st day of onsite week w/Dev's. Traffic sucks even with Karl's help. Good 1st day. Low key evening. Found/finding it really irritating that others don't help w/keeping the house in order (dishes pile up, laundry plies up, clutter piles up)… and i'm gully too. I just want address these all to be what comes before zoning out or worse, introducing further issues that get pushed back too. Meditation helps, but I can certainly use more. It made this morning's need to run Tommy by Pano on short notice something I easily and gracefully rolled with, which helps him. I've seen him get frustrated and when he does I feel bad that he might have learned it from me. But he's not as bad an recovers quickly. Lauren's not at all prone to these moments, she's earned her middle name. She was supposed to be off at 8.30, I arrived early, she asked if I could come back at 9.30, and I rolled with it as no big deal. It got me out and i'm close by and it's benefiting her to allow her to work and learn tech stuff. I'm tired of feellng like I have to be doing something every minute… doing nothing feels really good lately. Reminiscent of pre-tech days.

Goal: Focus dev team on framework discussions.

Started reading "Invisible Women" which was a gift from Tabitha at work.

Accomplishments: Meditation Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Great Bear with MKC - a pleasant but too brief chance to catch up 1:1 after 25 years. Got to kids at 10. Jen off with a friend. I took Lauren shopping – she got some great deals on pants and a couple shirts at Kohl's too. In/Out for lunch. Jen returned and we went to the Poker Flats open house again. Returned Comcast Modem. Setup newer Time Capsule w/the old one as an extension in the attic and dramatically increased speeds. Mountain drive PM. I"m looking forward to having the team onsite this week.


Listened To: reset of 1619 part 3.


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Early AM run to Devils Slide. Hard getting up but great once under way. Scottie was amp'd over the nature and loved it. So did we. Excellent morning. Stopped at Cafe Mezaluna in Princeton outside of HMB. Returned home via Skyline to 9... Stunningly beautiful. Misty. Quick thrifting run net'd a nice coffee maker which is all setup for auto-brew at 6.30am. Issues w/the WiFi strength after pulling Comcast box out of the equation = finding a 5th gen Time Capsule for $75. Jen w/pickup tomorrow when in the area visiting Marya. Short-notice invite to hang w/Jon and Cheryl and watch Stanford vs USC game. Nice casual hangout. Really enjoy those type of opportunities and I need to initiate more myself. I'm glad I have the friends I have that are as accessible as they are.


Anticipation: Great Bear coffee w/MKC - looking fwd to a chance or revisit an old haunt.


Watched/Read/Listened To: 1619 Part 3 (Partial) & the Dollop on Anesthesia.


Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Decent morning, help from BL getting Modem swap done. That we both had issues w/the effort helped me fell like i'm not completely crazy. Moderate work day. ICQ Reunion at Outback was great - nice seeing and reminiscing with old friends. I'm glad I've kept in touch with several and glad to have the chance to reconnect with those I've lost track of over the years. Looking forward to early Jen/Scottie outing tomorrow - Devil's Slide.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Cleanup

Didn't sleep well last night, got kids off to school, picked up ladder (craigslist), returned to house and fell back asleep until 10. Struggled with modem swap for 60min+ ... I get too easily irritated w/my lack of knowledge or the complexity of tech. Ugh. Dramatically trimmed bush in back yard before falling asleep again. THEN went to Leigh to be the "backstage supervisor" volunteer for the 1st "Freeky Friday" performance that Lauren's doing tech for. It was great to see her "at work" and to see her in a position of responsibility. So proud of her. And it was interesting to be a fly on the wall of the cast, hearing and seeing their interactions, how much fun they had, how connected they all seemed. I wonder if they realize now how valuable this time will be to them. I didn't. Returned to walk dog and Jen/I watched "While We're Young"… thoroughly enjoyed the humor and the humanity.


Watched/Read/Listened To: 2nd Episode of 1619 podcast. "While We're Young" movie.


Accomplishments: Cleanup

It's been a pretty full day. Not the kind that I come home and collapse out of exhaustion from, just had a lot of activity and things going on. Did my morning meditation, dropped the kids off, went to Philz Coffee and caught up with Martin and Bob, dialed into the monthly all hands meeting, and took vacation time for the rest of the day. Walk to the Los Gatos Lexington open space with Brian (4.X miles), Had lunch at purple onion, found and bought a modem off of craigslist, and just managed a bunch of personal to do tasks while watching the last to Matt Helm movies. Listen to the first two podcast episodes "1619" - It's amazing how whitewashed our history has been for decades, and how failed of an experiment our democracy is when the almighty dollar has forever been more valuable than an individual. I'm grateful for the opportunity to hear the backstories, just so I feel more aware, and can pass that along. I'm going to use my day off tomorrow to focus on a few key goals for the day. I'm looking forward to volunteering at Lauren's play tomorrow night.

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting Cleanup

Worked from home today. Decent engagement. Could be better but has been much worse. Head was elsewhere after a restless night replaying the moderate drama of the prior day. Found myself further evaluating my efforts to be the better person and finding some stronger resolve to stand my ground and not give a shit any more about it. Still processing it but it's another step in the right direction, although my blog's loaded with these same steps. So they're either repeating or just really small ones.

Gratitude: Jennifer. It's so incredible to have somebody so easy to work with and I love her dearly.

Goal: Maintain this 'fuck it' perspective and keep my distance and ignore anything non-essential.

Anticipation: Meeting w/BL for coffee will be a nice change of pace.

Watched/Read/Listened To: 2 old Matt Helm movies... Austin Powers inspirations!

Accomplishments: Meditation Walking Mindfulness Parenting

Kids went camping Sun PM w/their mom. I dropped off tent, cots, pads and such Sun AM and got engaged around issues with the refrigerator but that's another story for another blog. Made and IKEA run today w/Jen and we got some new bedding. Lauren's from Sat looks awesome and was an inspiration. Then a text flurry and exchange resulted in my blocking their mom's texts and emails out of pure exasperation over what feels like endless accusations. Again, another story for another blog. Did some writing, thinking and continue to do so. I want to eliminate strife and tension from my daily existence. It's hard. I'm glad in some ways that I'm getting more aggressive about drawing lines but also want to be sure they're justified and not over reacting. That takes introspection.

Goal: I want to get up early tomorrow, meditative and be ready to engage or the work day.

Anticipation: Seeing the kids tomorrow night.

Accomplishments: Walking Mindfulness Cleanup

One Thing You Can't Hide

I still carry around a crippling degree of guilt and blame, even after 6 years. Even though, as friends have noted, it’s partially self-imposed, the ongoing and continued exposure to my ex-wife’s resentment carries with it the recurring theme of accusation and blame as to my actions, and to how I and my partner and mom represent her to my kids. I do make every effort to walk and talk the fine line between listening to and supporting my kids own experiences and feelings, while ensuring I represent their mom in a positive light, promoting their respect and recognition of her as their parent. Same as I’d want done for me. Which it seemingly is not.