I didn't write last night. I couldn't. I could barely walk. Dom and Mary came over and we drank wine around the firepit. I don't recall drinking anywhere near enough to actually get drunk but I did. So much so that I had the 'bed spins' and feared that I'd get sick. It was awful. Maybe it was the port and the sugar? I don't know for sure but I was still 'hurting' for most of this morning. I gradually felt better throughout the morning but it took a while. I used my morning today to send my weekly work status which I've missed a few times of late. I was pleased to do so. Jen and I went to Panorama and I posted the soda machine on CL for free. As was the case before I was slammed with inquiries. I was and am still so angry about that whole situation and being stuck cleaning up the mess left by Vinny and Tommy's lack of consideration. In the end, a guy came with a flatbed tow truck and took it. He was a lot stronger than I, so much so that it took me aback to realize I am such a lightweight. I'm glad he was able to take it and may reach out to see if he wants the weights too. Tommy sold his mom's Honda Pilot today and managed it all on his own. $11k means $5,500 each. Cheryl came to take more items as donations for sale at The Cancer Society Thrift store. Both of these were hard. I liked driving the Pilot and was actually supposed to get it via the trust but I know that it was hers and they have bad memories and the CRV would have sold for less. It was still hard, as it was to be donating things that might have some value to somebody but finding them takes time I don't have. At least the items get used and the proceeds go to the Cancer Society on her behalf. Once the soda machine was gone, Jen painted and I moved flooring and bins out of the living room. We'll return tomorrow to continue. Jess and Bev came over and brought Georgio's for dinner. We went through 3+ bottles of wine and it didn't phase me at all, unlike last night. It was a pleasant evening and ended with delicious Key Lime Pie and time around the firepit. These are the type of friends and gatherings that make me grateful for all I have and the chance to just talk, laugh, and learn. It's how I want to spend my time as I grow old.

It's not my long-term goal, but it's an excellent start.

I slept reasonably well last night. I tried a .25mg dropper of the CBD last night. Coincidence? I'm not sure. It's not unreasonable to assume it's a factor, but I've had decent nights of sleep without taking CBD. I guess it's all about repetition and subjective association. If it helps, that's awesome, but as discussed tonight at the monthly geek's dinner, I get weird about dependencies. I get funny about many things, but dependencies are significant, like playing 'cricket sounds' at night and becoming so accustomed to it that I need it to sleep. Or having a drink every night as a routine and a ritual even when I know it messes up my weight and sleep. Speaking of weight, I'm doing well maintaining but every so slightly nudging up just a tad, so I'm going to dig in my heals for the weekend ahead and get back into my mid-range maintenance target. Work was decent today, and I put a chunk of time into understanding why the reporting steps for cultivating clients were such a fiasco. It's over-engineered, and, for the time being, the simple solution is the optimal solution. So I am calling a meeting to review/discuss a reboot of the method and approach. Jen dropped me at Pano this am. My mom slept better, and the cats are getting adjusted. I did work tasks and picked up some stuff I needed to ship. I was stunned to learn that the 3-volume Van Gogh letters books had writing and dirt damage. I did not see that, but I can't attest to having checked, so I refunded the total amount and said, 'keep it. My integrity is worth more than the sale of the books'. It inspired me to get the Van Gogh DVD set out and encode it for playback. Van Gogh's life is fascinating. I shipped off the plates and tray that sold on eBay and canceled the other listings because it's not worth my time to continue. At lunch, I picked up a craigslist's mid-century stereo console in Santa Clara for just $80. It's not exactly what I've envisioned, but it's a good-looking unit that'll serve as a table and, eventually, a bar or just get resold when I find the winder version I want. A lot will depend on how things fit into the house. I moved the furniture pickup to Wed since my mom's staying until Monday. It's been nice having Lauren around more, and Tommy's been a lot more balanced and reasonable lately. I still don't know if he went to the counselor as we agreed, but I'm not pressing it. I want to work on something – not insisting on anything anymore and not trying to change or influence unless asked to. GNO tonight was great as always. I'm looking forward to the chance to do Vegas or something similar soon. And man, I'm looking forward to the Paso trip on 5/8. 

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 162.2 lbs,❤️ 61.8 bpm, 👣 6089.4 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

What I don't share dies with me. What I do gets carried forward.

I didn't sleep all that well, and I'm considering trying the CBD oil tonight. One prior try worked well, but then I also slept well without it, so, as they say, correlation does not equal causation. The morning was low-key and uneventful. I worked from Matson and was in multiple meetings until 12, at which point I went to work from Panorama and checked in on my mom. She's doing well. She didn't sleep well, which is unfortunate, but I think it's reasonable considering the anxiety and stress of the relocation for the house fumigation. And they're going to take longer than expected, so she'll be there until Monday. It's good to have a place she can stay with the cats. I booked our stay in Paso after a lot of research. We're staying in what looks like an clean, fun "mid-centuryish" home right near downtown. We'll work daily and take the afternoons off for adventuring. Of course, Scottie will go everywhere with us, and the place is pet-friendly. I've managed to maintain a balance with Tommy, and the advice from the counselor helped put some ideas into my head about context and maturity. His, not mine :-). I'm still feeling 200% behind on work tasks but trying to regain my footing, and still feeling like 16hrs of waking time is never enough. Lauren treated us to In n Out at Pano, and we all visited. My mom's character frequently reminds me of where I got it, both positives and negatives. The dogs enjoyed a "pig's ear" each, one wolfing it down rather quickly due to having a full mouth of teeth and the other just gnawing relentlessly. It's 11 pm. I want to return to starting routines earlier, doing what I have to do before doing what I want to do, so I can focus on some audiobooks or reading at the end of the day, perhaps meditations too.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.7 lbs,❤️ 62.8 bpm, 👣 6566.6 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

Staying current takes effort. I'm on it. I got this. Seriously. I do. There's just been sporadic issues, chaos, demands, interruptions, delays, priorities, time constraints and intestinal blockages. Pick 3. In the meantime, the posts feel like 70's serial dramas. "Last week, on Days of Geoff's Life…." with slices of vignettes stuck together to remind the viewer of why what they're about to watch matters. Side note – am I alone in understanding that such "preludes" always forecasted the show's context to follow? What was pointed out from the prior episode would feed into what would continue in the next? The surplus fluff quickly falls to the wayside for what matters, plot and character development-wise. Just more mental lint. That and one more quick observation that the opening scenes to the 6th and final season of "Better Call Saul" were a phenomenal production. Seriously, how amazing was it to lead in with a cascade of ties that gradually lead us through decadent opulence only to close on the fallen bottle cork before the title sequence? Watch it, come back, and we can discuss it from there. Onward™. Since our last episode, Jeri, Geoff and Jennifer took a leisurely drive into woodside and up to Alice's Restaurant for breakfast Sunday morning. The Arlo Guthrie song's a personal favorite of Jeri's, sung annually by her each Thanksgiving. We ventured down to San Gregorio, where we found a great "General Store," live music, and more, including some "Endangered Species" dark chocolate and a few more local vineyards to consider. We then ventured to Fitzgerald Marine Preserve, where we walked about the tide pools at low tied and traversed the bluffs above. We were back at Matson in time to put some eats together for her and her friend Pam before they headed off to SF with a comprehensive itinerary of places to visit the following day. The night closed with a candid and direct conversation with Tommy about the past week, the whole situation around the communication issues we've had, the trust issues, truths, complex and heartfelt, and the opportunity to start with some simple steps to rebuild as adults. I took a few minutes Monday am to "dust off" and boot up my Mac128k after contacting an auction house about Linda's. I've not heard from them for a few days, so I wonder if they're rethinking its value or legitimacy. Mine booted up and worked. What a time warp to use it again after all these years. I will likely sell it, but I'm hoping the auction house pans out for Linda's for the kid's sake. I also went to ATT and set up my mom with an iPhone using my old "SE" and finally, after many years of delay, got my Apple Watch setup for cellular. I like it. I have to 'dial in' some settings so I have more audio options for walking. I will return to walking mornings Mon/Wed/Fri as a routine exercise and get some time to think. I have much to think about these days, from things being raised in counseling about my son and daughter's experiences with and without me and their mom to my job to my short and long term desires with Jennifer and, perhaps most significantly, to the vast expanse between the things I do with what time I have and the things I would rather be doing. I took the kids and Jen to Andale for dinner as a gesture to reinforce our time being spent together again. This morning I talked to my lawyer today to review and strengthen my understanding of the legal rights I have to Panorama after being questioned a 2nd time by Linda's sister, initiated by my son of all people. I feel so bad for his distrust of me yet the fact is that between his mom and his current influences, I don't blame him. It's hard being told that somebody's terrible when you think they're good. You question yourself more quickly than you do those influencers. All is good per my attorney; things are as they should be. Tommy's talking a lot about selling his Audi and getting something else. I fear it's his uncontrollable impulse to spend and buy with his inheritance. It's tough to watch and harder not to try and control. I have little influence over this with him, given how little he looks to me for guidance. So I nudge some of his influences, asking if they might look for an opportunity to help him consider some long-term options he won't regret as much as he might his impulses. Cheryl sent a few pics from the Cancer Society store of items I donated being sold. Mixed emotions. Sad at the 'loss' of history, not really embraced but very happy to see a smiling face that will do more with them than bury them in a garage closet for 20 years. I have a lot of crap to thin out myself. I ended the day getting my mom situated in Pano for the next three days while her home was tented and fumigated. The vibe at Pano is getting better. Less legacy, more future.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161.3 lbs,❤️ 62.7 bpm, 👣 6324.4 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

 Having the narrator of an audiobook stop to explain the origin of a reference to “the twilight zone “has made me feel older than I ever have before.

I started the day with a wonderful Verve coffee — light, floral, just awesome. Jen and Jeri also found it spot-on. On our walk with Scottie, he apparently stepped on a bee. We removed what was thought to be the stinger, but he continued hopping about, hiding, panting, and being miserable. We checked a few times to ensure we didn't miss something and found no other cause for concern. We simply assumed he would be ok, and we went to get Jeri. We had breakfast at Los Gatos Cafe. They shared a southwestern omelet, I had my 'usual,' and a Cinnamon roll made an appearance. It was all well received. Then we returned to check in on Scottie and make some decisions on the plans for the day. Instead of cooking, we decided to order food for dinner with my mom, Ryan and Lindsey. That panned out well. We got an order into Buca De Beppo, then took off for Boulder Creek to hit "Swag" and other antique shops before doing some wine tasting. SWAG has proven in the past to be a good resource from the occasional vinyl I've wanted to add to my small collection of significant influences and turning points throughout the years. My earliest vivid recollection of any attachment to music resides in visits to Paula's home (Jeri's mother). There were two records I sought out and played in one of their rooms, perhaps Janette or Jennifers. One being "Everything's Alright" on the Jesus Christ Superstar album, the other being "Saturday In The Park" on Chicago V. I would lie on my side or stomach alongside the square recorder player on the ground and just put the needle down and listen, repeatedly. It's amongst my most potent memories, and I feel like it was a starting point for a journey of musical immersion that has never stopped and frequently returned to its roots. So, imagine my surprise and excitement to find that double LP with complete original Libretto and booklets today, while with Jeri, for $3. I bought it, of course, along with a far better version of "Sound Magazine" (one of the 1st two LPs I bought in my lifetime), Twin Sons of Different Mothers, Captain Fantastic, Let's Get Small, and finally, even though it cost all of $15… Dark Side of the Moon. Finding all of these today was a delight. Finding Jesus Christ Superstar, with its history and Jeri right there with me…. in itself, was almost enough to make me believe. After a good stretch of time in Boulder Creek, we moved on to wine taste at Byington, a winery in the foothills above Los Gatos. The grounds were beautiful, and the wines were very good. I would not say they were the best I have ever had, but they were reasonable, and their wine club was so enticing we signed up and utilized it right away. I liked their Pinot Noir (estate grown) and Cabernet. It's a place that we know we can and will easily revisit with friends throughout the summer. While tasting, a guy approached, saying, "I know this guy," and referenced Apple. It was Jim Jepson, a colleague from my days in Cheryl's organization. I was floored and very happy to see him. He was, as I told him, one of those people that always stood out as being so nice, approachable, positive and even keeled. It was nice to be recognized and not fail to recall who recognized me, that happens more often than not because my anxiety about failing to remember them tends to beat me to the recognition. Maybe the wine slowed the anxiety down. We left just in time to pick up our dinner before heading to Matson and finding Lindsey, my mom and Ryan all there and waiting. Tommy took off (unnecessarily, but he just left without saying a word), and we enjoyed a nice meal, wine, stories and laughter. They took off, and Jen and I cleaned up and made fresh dog food.`

What a great day. I needed it. I've not had a day like it for some time. I took it off, and although I did a bit of pre-work in the early am, I shut down and disconnected for the entire day. The E N T I R E day. And that includes leaving my phone and watch at Matson from 9 am until around 8.30 pm when we returned. Jeri and Jen, and I went to Monterey. We went to the aquarium and fully immersed ourselves in the experience in ways I've not done before. Having the time to roam, no pressure and people to share the experience with that were as engaged and interested was a total game-changer. Their new exhibit, " Into the Deep," was jaw-droppingly fascinating and deeply humbling. Today was "Earth Day," and the idea was put forth in my calm mediation that I will be mindful and conscious of everything, and I do mean everything, is a product of the earth and the world we live on. The unique circumstances allow and support life in every possible realm, from micro-organisms to the largest species. Going to the aquarium today moved me to be reflecting on the gift of living where we live, having access to such unique places, and appreciating that there are so many amazing, varied forms of life all around us. Along with this incredible exhibit, we saw the octopus awake and actively moving about. I   got as close as possible to focusing on and immersing myself in many of the exhibits, and it was almost enough to move me to tears. It's likely because as I have grown older I've developed a deeper appreciation for the wonder and beauty of nature and the relatively short-lived gift of life itself. And being on the top of the food chain is a gift as well. We took a break for lunch, during which I applied our admission to renew our membership so we'd have the option to return throughout the year ahead. They're hiring, and I want to tell Tommy to apply. I was filled with fond memories of so many visits over the past with him and Lauren and sorrowful to realize that time had gone and that all those visits with only the desire to instill and support a passion and interest he had in marine life now seemed to be forgotten. We left after we finished seeing pretty much everything and went to Wrath in Carmel to wine taste. We had a great time; we tried all sorts of different Pinot Noirs and other varietals. We talked with locals and bought more bottles than I care to mention and as many that we don't need, and joined the wine club too. It's good stuff, Jen loves it, and that's enough for me. We don't do many things to treat ourselves beyond wine and coffee, so WTF. We drove back to a beautiful sunset. It was a wonderful day.

Yet another day of non-stop ups and downs. Jeri's luggage arrived at midnight, and fortunately, Jen was awake to respond to the knocks. I was out cold. The wine fogged my brain; the dairy & carbs (seed crackers) clogged my system. Sorry, but it's true. I don't digest that stuff well anymore. It was a bit of a difficult night. Let's stop there, shall we? Then the AM started with Tommy's "what?" scoff while I was meditating and just looked up as he walked into the room. There was a text exchange later, and it went nowhere. I was trying to get him into counseling, and he's just trying to get me to give him money. It's unnecessarily difficult. Then the conversation with Kathy D. about the house threw me. There's now a question in her mind as to if the house has to be sold in April 2023 according to the marital settlement agreement. The answer is no. Period. I have full right to the house and do not have to sell on any schedule. The Marital settlement agreement assumes that both parties are alive and is "null and void" with her death, just like support payments, custody schedules, life insurance agreements, and all the rest. It's ludicrous. Worst of all, it's been escalated to her by my son, who I believe is being told by Kathy V that they (the kids) have these rights. Linda's resentment and bitterness are all her friends knows or heard, and now it seems like it's being carried forward. My son has enough struggle without being put in this position. Were the tables turned, and had I died instead of Linda, her friend would not be telling our kids that their mom has to give them half the house. This is so transparently personal, vindictive and judgmental that it's barely bearable. I have a call into my lawyer to validate and confirm all, but it's nothing I should have to be doing at all, and it's insulting offensive, and hurtful to do so. Jeri and I visited my mom for a few hours, and it was a good visit. We talked about a lot of history, and later, Jeri and Jen, and I spoke about how varied perspectives and memories can be. We all have various recollections that don't always match up. And sometimes they change over time too. The sale of the gold coins closed without a hitch. That was a bit of an anxiety causing effort simply because it required faith and risk but all turned out well. That's a personal accomplishment I am proud of. Jeri Jen Lauren and I went to Aqui. No Tommy, but for the best, given how upset Jen is about this current situation. Bridges are being burned. We closed the night looking at videos about Carmel in advance of our visit there tomorrow. I'm excited. It might be rainy, but that's ok; we'll have a great time regardless.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161 lbs,❤️ 61.9 bpm, 👣 5840 steps, 🧘🏼12 min

Eerily empty SFO Airport Parking Terminal Passageway

A full and eventful day. A decent AM, walk, coffee, standard routines, yadda yadda yadda. Jeri texted a flight change which had her arriving on a different flight into SFO not SJC. All good. Worked it out. Worked on work stuff too, but took 1/2 day PTO. Opted to move ahead with an offer to Martin to fill the data analyst role. Hoping that works out. It'll require my focused oversight. I talked to an auction house contact about Linda's 128k Mac. The data and documentation are all spot-on and it's definitely an item of interest but the serial number sticker is for late Oct 1994 production which doesn't align with the 1/24/84 distribution. I can't ask Linda so I'm hoping to get some insight from Bonnie. There are not a lot of variables to work with here. But it's a significant item regardless of that yet-to-be-understood anomaly. The coins made it to their destination so I'm waiting for that to close. That'll be a huge boon for their college funds assuming it's used for that and nothing else. Got Jeri, so great to see her. She's truly like a sister to me and her visit is timely. I needed this connection and familial support right now.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.8 lbs,❤️ 61 bpm, 👣 5157.9 steps, 🧘🏼8 min

"It's been a hell of a year of hell"

I found a tangled necklace at Panorama a day or two ago. Lauren's was a knotted mess, and I stuck it into my vest pocket and forgot about it until this AM when getting ready to walk Scottie. I set aside, and we "meandered" for some time with him. We use that word a lot these days. Meander. So, upon returning and during my 1st meeting, I set it on the table per Jen's instructions, removing gravity from the equation. I found that just lightly tapping at the knotted segments slowly loosened them until the individual strands were accessible enough to detangle. I was proud of my patience. It's a quality I seem to be lacking a lot these days. I'm starting to feel like there is so that I have yet to do, want to do, but may never find the time to do at this current rate and pace. Writing being one, but also storing and tagging photos, for example, going through more of my father's history, cooking, even just taking walks. I feel perpetually focused on the current demands. I guess that's my life story. When I think back to even my jobs at Apple, I felt that too. Is it just that I am prone to complain or aspire to too many things. I think the latter. I guess I have a creative bend, and before marriage and kids, I did do a lot more. I wondered why others didn't or would comment on something I did as if they'd not be able to. Now I get it. Finding the time is the most significant barrier. Maybe if all goes well in the next couple of years, I'll reclaim some of that time. We'll see how things work out with the kids, college, and living situations. I did well on some focused objectives today and enjoyed some time with Lauren and Jen. Tommy's still evasive, and I often wonder where he goes. It's sad. The home dynamic of his youth so compromised his character, and then the divorce put him into a fight-or-flight scenario. I wish we'd had a better home life and been able to transition him to having that with Jen and me. At least he seems to like and respect her. That's something. I ended the night playing Farkle again.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 161 lbs,❤️ 60.9 bpm, 👣 5399 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

Interesting how a day's span can encompass a wide range of emotions. I started the day after a (finally) decent night's sleep feeling continued despair over, essentially, the loss of my son. The day continued with introspective reflection on my part, trying to piece together what possibly might justify his utter contempt for me. I wonder if it's Linda's friend Kathy continuing to echo the disregard she had for me as the person who left the marriage she knew complete well to be a farce and an unhappy one. I wonder if it's the anger he must carry at having been 'left to handle her despair,' something I never imagined would happen, but it did. And I thought too about how many more years I would spend in anguish over the discord that is predominantly his doing. That was a key observation. I've tried repeatedly to find some common ground and know he's done so on occasion. But I don't see myself ever being the one instigating the disrespect and negativity. That's his. He owns that. So I focused on managing Panorama tasks, setting up and setting out my "virtual garage sale," only to pull 90% of it after Cheryl came by and took most for the Cancer Society. Where it's so well suited. Given what happened to Linda (I still can not believe it), it's fitting that her 'junk' as it were… the piddly stuff, not the valuable stuff, goes to the Cancer Society store where volunteers will work to see it. The funds go towards Cancer research and funding instead of a week or two of numerous Craislists related management for what might amount to less than $100. Win-win IMHO. I had an overall decent day and feel more optimistic about the week ahead. Jeri's visit later this week will be so great. Things are all set up for her at Pano.

I tossed and turned all night. Mark and Wendy had come over, and we had wine and cheese and such, and it just upset my stomach, and I felt like shit. Add to that the fact that I was stewing about all of the tensions and utter contemptuous and downright emotionally abusive nature of how Tommy's been treating me again. I've avoided him, and he's avoided me for about three days. Still, the whole situation has become completely unbearable. I've also been building up frustration over the fact that the fucking Soda Machine remains in my garage, blocking the space I need for the next phase of moving in, and anticipating I was going to be dealing with delays and rude, dismissive responses to asking that it be addressed. Sleep-deprived and angry, I was lying in bed after Jen got up, and he walked in without knocking and proceeded to walk to her side of the room. I asked what he was doing, and he said, "none of your business," and that was all it took. It is my business; it's my room. So the arguments ensued, and I told him repeatedly to get out and repeatedly that "we're done." A stance that's taking every ounce of my being to stand firm on, and it's killing me. But as was later stated in an exchange at Panorama, he doesn't like me, doesn't respect me, doesn't trust me and doesn't value me. Why would I want a relationship with anybody that takes that stance? And whatever, ever did I do to deserve such extreme seething disdain? My life for 18+ years has been structured around them. I gave up so much to attend to their needs, and until the past year+, I was in relatively good standing as far as rapport goes, but it was always tainted by an undercurrent of dismissive disregard and entitlement. Now it's at its worst ever, and all I can do to guard my sanity and shattered heart is look at the son I once felt such a connection to and wanted the best for and insist that there's no chance left to resolve our issues. In hindsight, perhaps this AM was a point at which things might have gone differently, but at the same time, it's part of the routine that isn't breaking. I'm treated like shit, held accountable for snapping after taking it until I hit a breaking point, then silence, then I pursue some resolution, or perhaps he makes a gesture, and we're good again until the next time. I can't take it. I don't deserve it. I want him to feel loved and wanted, but if he comes home and calls me names and treats me like shit on his shoes, that's not love. That's not family. That's pure dysfunctional abuse. So that's been my day, and it's killing me again. I miss my relationship with my son, that's gradually dissolved into this nightmare. He expressed being "filled with remorse" over his mom's death and how poorly he treated her, and I said I understood his feelings and frustrations but that he's doing the same if not worse with me and only setting himself up for exponential regret. It's like the "chain" scrooge forged all those years alongside and beyond Marly's death. Tommy's setting himself up for many regrets and a lot of rationalization, too, I bet. I know he hates me for having left him at Panorama with his mom. I hate myself for it too. I regret it deeply, as it never occurred to me that she's put all that onto him. It's something I wish I could undo. I've apologized repeatedly, but it keeps coming up, and I keep forgetting that I can't expect an 18yr older to have the presence of mind to understand things beyond their own limited life experience. This is more painful than his mom's passing or my own mom's eventual passing. This is leaving a hole I can't quickly or likely ever fill. Shit, I just spilled my guts; this wasn't supposed to be a long blog entry, just a simple update. But maybe this is just where these writings need to go. As for the rest of the day, Jen and I got a lot done at Panorama. She painted more, I consolidated things kept for the kids, and we got the bookcase moved into position and partially stocked. It's a conflicting step. That bookcase is an heirloom on her mother's side, and I want it kept for the kids to have. There's only one. There used to be two, as her sister Barbara had the other, but that has apparently since been sold. This is one of the very few items the kids will have later. They don't seem to care right now, but Jen was saying that seeing it in our home with some of their mom's family items and theirs and ours might bridge that transition and make this something one or the other will be happy to have. Like the grandfather clock. It's challenging to set aside my apprehension about having these in the home when they were part of her and our home together. I wanted a completely fresh start. But with enough fresh start elsewhere, this might work out well. It's hard, too, after this past year to be putting any thought or hope into anything of a 'future' when I've learned how uncertain any future is. That, too, is a good lesson to keep in mind when it comes to both tolerating cases of abuse and not setting a tone of irreconcilable differences.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.2 lbs,❤️ 59.2 bpm, 👣 5009.2 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

I could go on about bad moods, depression, my sense of failure as a parent, difficulty sleeping, negativity from my son, being overwhelmed with work, and any other number of whiny-little-bitch observations, but I'm good. I may have lost some footing with my efforts to maintain the right daily consistency and focus throughout the past week but I've not lost my awareness of my goal and intentions. I got back onto some essential habits over the past couple of days, and I'm already feeling better. Although it's tough at times, I'm also striving to return to recognizing what I can't change with more acceptance. Work was good after work; Jen and I spent a couple of hours getting things gathered at Pano for my attempt to give away things instead of throwing them out. The hard reality is that finding takes of every little thing is a far more time-consuming undertaking than I can accomplish. The more I talk to others about this, the more common it is. People end up throwing out stuff because it's too difficult to manage not doing so. Today, I learned that Linda's tax debts would likely require the funds being paid from her estate via the sale of the Pilot and any residual funds left… or from the kids' inheritance. That's just fucked up, plain and simple. Our tax structure is as inhumane as the medical community's view on terminal patience having a right to choose when and how they die. I'm livid, and yet, nothing I can do will change this beyond putting effort into ensuring I have the proper structure for my estate and financials for those I eventually leave behind.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 58 bpm, 👣 5323.7 steps, 🧘🏼4 min

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 61 bpm, 👣 3801 steps, 🧘🏼5 min

Linda's 5th Grade Ceramics Project & a French WWI "Valeur et Discipline" Medal

I've managed to return to my routines relatively well, except for this. Writing. I've had my hands full. The return to work, home, and the return to the conflicting dynamics with Tommy all have me wanting to retreat to an island again. I'm faced with such a massive workload and the demands of trying to clear out Panorama, helping manage things like turning off AAA insurance that took 45min out of my day to address…. it's all a lot to balance. I'm lost in the breadth of items that have value and/or history while I have little time or access to finding interested parties. I have to make tough choices. I am also back to clashing with Tommy, and it quickly escalates from just being a discussion about attending classes to insults, attacks and deflections. Jen says I have to stop engaging and caring because he's made it clear he doesn't want to hire and doesn't care about or even like me. I called out what I consider his hypocrisy around using his mom as an excuse and that just made things worse. It's just nothing I can influence, so as Jen said, I have to stop thinking I can and being disappointed when I can't.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 57 bpm, 👣 2864.5 steps, 🧘🏼3 min

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 56.5 bpm, 👣 3611 steps, 🧘🏼4 min

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 58.7 bpm, 👣 5031.3 steps, 🧘🏼17 min

I'm expecting this to be the last post during the Hawaii vacation. I don't expect to have anything significant to capture tomorrow. I feel a need to focus on returning to some established habits and routines Monday morning while also leaving some bad routines and dynamic behind, once and for likely five or more years. I'll likely write about it another time, elsewhere, but I am proud to have done my best to ride out the week with a focus on the only vacation we'll take together and making it as memorable as possible. Sleep was dicey but decent and I awoke early again yet still lingered longer than I should. Adjusting back to PST will be a challenge. We managed to get up and out and to Dukes for breakfast and it was great. We got moved to a premium location thanks to Tommy's asking to be moved which I appreciate with trepidation. As mentioned here before. This was good, though, and worked to our benefit even though his attitude IMO was a bit smart ass to the host seating us ("sorry to inconvenience you" being one of the muttered comments.) It breaks my heart that this is how feels he can get ahead in life. But, breakfast was great and we enjoyed the view and location. We then drove to the Pearl Harbor historical site. I thought it'd be more impactful to him given his interest in this topic but it seemed to be a 'meh' at this point and time. OK. We drove then over to the North side stopping at Green World Coffee and Dole. I liked and bought some beans at Green World but Dole is such a complete tourist trap I could not leave quickly enough. We made it all the way to Turtle Bay, stopping at one point to explore the Banzai Pipeline section of the beach, and checked out the resort before heading back south, just enjoying the ocean drive and views until we made it to the Four Seasons in Ko Latino. All along the way, at Green World, Dole, Turtle Bay, the Four Seasons, he just kept wanting to push limits and play games and even steal coffee or a lighter. More anger and sadness to deal with. We returned to the hotel or rest and shower and then went to dinner. The dinner was absolutely phenomenal and one of the best meals I can recall having. The calamari and cauliflower were perfect and all three dishes were delicious, his "surf and turf" being the best of the lot. Still there were continued shenagians and disrespectful comments and actions. I won't go into more details here but it was just not the example I ever feel I set or was his modeling from either parent. Carl's actually a far better example now than Tommy and as I recall it was once the other way around. Whatever the case, we're back at the hotel and tomorrow's only plans are to check out by 10am and head to the airport for our return flight home. I can't wait. I am glad I saw this through, in that i do want to have some reliability, but I think I have also come to some stark and painful realizations about what I can expect and what I'll even allow myself to be setup for. Maybe in 5 years there'll be some maturity. Maybe in 5 years there'll be more perspective as to the loss of a parent and the alleged grief and remorse over treating her like shit while it continues daily with me throughout it all. Maybe in 5 years, I'll just be another historical regret, too.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 59 bpm, 👣 4743 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

There's no way I'm going to beat last night's word count, but I bet I come close. I have done well trying to maintain the daily habits even on vacation. OK maybe 80% which is great. I have lost data in daily tracking of steps due to leaving my watch behind. Intentionally. And that's… OK. Because it was fucking intentional. So AM routines going reasonably well and my effort to stay as 'aligned' time-wise with PST has worked too. Getting up around 5.30am is 'sleeping in' for PST but it's working and will help the transition back when we return Sunday. Tommy got up around 5.30 am and swallowed one of the seasick meds whole and then read the box's instructions saying NOT to do just that, but to chew thoroughly. (Facepalm). So he ended up, eventually, taking three before boarding the boat. We walked to the nearby McDonalds for a quick and cheap breakfast only to find that McMuffin's are 5.79 here. WTF? That shit pisses me off. But so be it. Vacations cost. Onward. I dropped them off and went to Island Brew. I loved it. The coffee was good, I'd give it a 7 at least if not 8. If I wasn't as into lighter roasts right now the 8 would be the minimum. I loved the 'vibe' and the opportunity to chat with some really nice people there, and to chill on the patio at the water's edge. I get a really strong sense of positivity from the people I'm meeting outside of Honolulu. The people there, at least the 'locals', seem more jaded and artiificial but the rest seem genuine and sincerely welcoming and positive. I have felt overwhelmed this week with such an awareness of my own relative insignifance as far as the sheer volume of population that exists on this planet let alone in this little stretch of space I've traveled about for a comple of days. Each having their own stories and experiences while being simply 'background characters' in my and so many other peoples lives. The person at the counter smiling and giving me coffee has her own history and further ahead that will be filled with drama… every person just walking in and out of any given grocery or drug store at any given moment all have their own dramatically complex backstories, aspirations and ideals. It's really a lot to try and comprehend fully. For me to seems unachievable. Once my coffee was done I grabbed some bottled water and headed to Kailua to visit my cousin's home, where she lived with my Aunt Paula for most of her teen years, and to hike the "pillbox" trails in the headlands. The drive was wonderful. I used a spared USB cord to tie my camera to the passenger seat visor and shoot a time lapse of the trip which I need to 'post process' and stitch together next week. But what a wonderful drive it was and how fascinations it is to see such a different part of the island and residence outside of the city. I made it to her home, parked for a moment to reflect on my Aunt and Jeri, snapped a photo for her and continued on to the beach she suggested. Lakini, i think. It was stunning and I loved walking out on the rocks and seeing all the crabs and the clear green water. The hike i wanted to take looked pretty ominous due to clouds and rain so after stooping for sunscreen and snacks I headed back towards the boy's location. I got there with about an hour to spare so I used that time to run to nearby Makapu'u Point Lighthouse Trail. It was a 2.5m round trip hike, took about 1hr, and was a 500+ elevation going up. I stayed focused on getting there and lingered coming back down. The views were wonderful and photos don't do it justice. It's so weird being on an "island" like this. I'm used to being at the ocean but only on one side, not surrounded. I get how that can cause "island fever". I returned to the boys in time to get a 2nd cup of Island brew and sit on the patio until they returned. He didn't get seasick this time which was great but it seemed they both had less excitement about the trip than yesterday. I'm just glad he was ok and this is all about learning the variables of such an Endeavor. I suggested lunch but they passed only to return home and complain about being hungry. I gotta stop this habit of letting them make decisions, thinking they will learn from experience, when I end up having to be involved in their lessons more than I want to be. I took them to Rainbow Drive In based on recommendations from the boating staff and they said it was good but greasy. They were tired but I drove us over hwy 63m to the east side of Oahu. Earlier I returned going over 61 and it was so "Jurassic" and I knew they'd appreciated it. They did. And we drove all the way, with rain here and there as expected, to the point where the "Chinese Hat" island adn the ranch where some of Jurassic Park was filmed. They enjoyed that and wanted to Zipline but it's sold out. We returned the same path and once back in Hololulu they were hungry and tired so we got some bar food and non-alcoholic "Lava Flow" drinks at the hotel bar/resturant. I let the take off and lingered, enjoying a glass of red while the sun set and a 'luau" musical event happened to the side of the resturant. It was a relaxing conclusion. I talked to the bartender and ebntioned my writing about the three people last night and she totally confirmed and validated what I noted about the human nature nad connection that took place. I was n;t just me making it up.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 60 bpm, 👣 5010.3 steps, 🧘🏼7 min

I'm hoping I can fully capture the day. Some are crammed with the widest array of experiences, thoughts, realizations, and funny moments, and by the time the day winds down, along with my doing the same in unison, I miss a lot of moments. Hopefully, I can recall them all. I woke early, of course, due to the time difference. But I slept well. Perhaps also because of the traveling. We left the door open all night, and it was comfortable. I got up and made myself some breakfast, and Tommy came with me to get coffee from the shop that opened at 6, right when we got there. He commented about my addiction and a habit, and I tried to share having listened to Michael Pollen's "Caffeine" book on the plain and wanting to cut back. Mistake. Sharing anything with him results in snark and putdowns. We were off to a bad start. The dynamic is absurd, and the only way out is to never go in in the first place. They gathered their stuff to go diving, and we headed out. When we arrived, we went through the drive-thru at 7 am, mind you, and they ordered chicken sandwiches. When they were told they only served breakfast, it was as if they were deers in headlights and Karl, in particular, just seized up as if he could not force a decision between the available options. I suggested we hit the Safeway right there for options, and we did. But of course, with more commentary. He so wears me down. It's overwhelming and can bring me to tears if I let it. I wanted to bail ongoing on the dive as a 'ride along' but went anyway, wanting to at least be witness to his outing and see their reactions to their findings. They said it would be windy and choppy, and it was absolutely that. I did my usual 'front of the boat' thing, which always makes me laugh with joy. I love that experience. But the choppy waters made for a rough right out. "Captain Matt" was a great guy, gave us lots of advice including where to go if you're gonna blow chunks, which came in handy later for one of the passengers. I stayed detached from Tommy as even looking at him while the instructor was giving them guidance was treated as an encroachment. I was pissed too that during safety points he we on his phone and not paying attention. I'd have called that out had I been giving instructions. They got to the first spot, a sunken WWII plane (fuel/pilot issues, not battle related) and down they went. When they returned there was stories of things seen including giant sea turtles, which I eventually did see several of including one right up close, fully sticking it's head out of the water. It was a wonderful moment. I fumbled to get my phone but didn't get a photo which is fine, i was happy to just experience it in the moment. Later I tried with another turtle but only got a photo of my thumb. The boat was tossing about excessively….and Tommy became a casualty to the nausea. I tried to help but gave him space. When the 2nd dive was ready they convinced him to go and that he'd feel better in the water than on the boat. Makes sense. He went. They saw reef stuff but about 2/3 of their time in I saw Tommy surface alone, then with his partner, who proceeded to assist Tommy to the boat. He was suffering. He had some 'sinus compression' or other issue, threw up under the water, and definitely needed to surface, but carefully. This was something that would have greatly upset his mom to witness but once he was at the rope I knew he'd be ok. He threw up more and eventually settled down, but the waters were really tossing things around and I was fighting to keep from succumbing to sea sickness myself. I managed to make it, barely. But I get a minor head wound . While trying to return one of hte tanks that slipped out of it's bungee cords, It smacked me in the head due to the boats movements and my own instability. Tommy at first wanted to cancel tomorrow's dive plans but with some help and reassurance from the other divers, and some game plans for the am (nausea meds 1hr before, eat 1hr before so there's time for full digestion, and knowing that tomorrow's dive will be in different conditions, he choose to keep it scheduled. Also because what he did see and did record was stunning and he knows he'll regret not going down the road. We returned so they could shower and clean up and I tired to get them to come out and walk around the area but he was in an annoyed and annoying mood and make more comments about anything I did or where we went that I just said "This will be our last vacation ever, so can we just enjoy it?". As he told me last month, "this doesn't work, we don't work" and as he made clear a little while back, he doesn't even like me. So what's left? I read something recently that struck a chord – you choose your friends but you can't choose your family. That's deep and insightful. He and Karl walked away at one point at Tommy's initiation. Karl just follows and goes along. I retuned to the hotel, took the car and drove to and around the point of Diamond Head. On the way there a small pigeon flew in front of but not past the cars windshield. I hit it. Feathers flew. Ugh. The neighborhood past there is amazing, it's like the "Carmel" or "Woodside" of Oahu. There's some seriously incredible homes out there. I decided, after my meandering drive, to return to the hotel and just enjoy a glass of wine at the hotel bar overlooking the harbor. I got there about 4pm. While there i was half-listening to a group of 3 strangers at the bar talking about divorce, child raising and teens, being single and sharing stories. I wanted to interject some of my own thoughts and ask questions about experiences I overheard but I didn't want to start something I didn't have time to finish. And I felt a pang of sadness in the seeming nature of strangers in a bar alleviating pain an loneliness with liquor and one-sided-perspectives. Yet at the same time I also thought how enjoyable they all seemed, how I wanted to join in, and how I was there alone with a glass of house red (Prophecy Cabernet) trying to set aside frustrations of the day with a drink. Judge not, lest thee be judged, I guess. I went to the room and they were sleeping so I gathered my things and told Tommy I was going to drive to the west side and see the sunset. He said they were tired and I said "OK" and left it at that. I drove to the Four Seasons and this very high end stretch of a modern resort village "Ko Olin's". What a difference from Waikiki. So clean, nice restaurants, walking trails and calm quiet respectfully dignified people. THIS is a place I could spend a week but likely outside of my budget. I watched the sunset and returned to the hotel to find the boys lounging about. I cleaned up some clutter (fuck, they're such pigs) and decided I'd take my keyboard and go write in the atrium by the restaurant I was at earlier. On the way there I noticed the glass elevator a woman had asked about previously and that i had no idea existed until that moment. But there it was, in the center of the building. It leads to "Pesca" restaurant, which I found to be on the 30th floor. The view from the ride was cool, being nighttime there were lots of city lights to see. The doors opened and there was an awesome Jazz band playing, but wickedly loud. There was a special event going on. As I talked to her I learned she was from SF and we talked a bit about the city having changed so much. I passed on the opportunity to hang at the bar because the music was so loud and the event was a bit chaotic, and I also didn't want to have another glass of wine just for the sake of having another glass of wine., as I try to avoid "self medicating" and drinking just for the sake of drinking. I'm a bit too strict about this. But I did review the menu and made reservations for Saturday night. Considering that Eric gave Karl $$$ to treat us to a nice dinner, and this is that and would be a place Eric would champion, I thought it was perfect. When I came down from the restaurant to sit and write… the three people were STILL in the bar, still talking and laughing, and they ended up closing it, staggering out together in unison. It was actually sweet and heart warming. They connected through shared experiences in a way that likely gave them a sense of validation and recognition. Who doesn't want that?

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.2 lbs,❤️ 60.8 bpm, 👣 5091.6 steps, 🧘🏼8 min

As Jen drove us to the airport, I said I was about to spend five days with Harold and Kumar. Tommy and Karl's most excellent adventure was underway. I was pleasantly surprised at how advantageous TSA PreCheck proved to be. I was through in 60 seconds, while they took upwards of 20 min or longer before Karl's bag was removed and rifled through to pull a violating jar of face cream out. Sigh. I tried to tell them both. Karl seems like a decent guy, but he's the sort of guy that carries takeout boxes at an angle and lets all the sauce drip into the bag. I'm saying that because that happened tonight. I don't know what their friendship is based on, but I think, in part, it's based on assuming parents don't know shit. Our first-class experience was decent—worth the extra $ for the space alone, for sure. The service was great too. Food was decent but sparse and carb-heavy and/or sugar-heavy and I gave most of mine to them. I did enjoy a couple of glasses of Meritage, though. Nothing excessive and nothing noteworthy but it was pleasant enough and gave me a privileged sense of gratification. The rental agency would not let Tommy be authorized to drive the car and he was bummed but rolled with it. He's a bit of a prick when it comes to entitlement and he's somehow come to think all rules are for fools. I wanted him to be fearless and always try for what he wants in life but… not like that. Not by pressing hard on clear regulations and thinking you can pressure your way past "no". In any event we got to the resort, the "Waikiki Resort Iliaka", which was apparently featured with Jack Lord in the opening montage of Hawaii 5-0. It's that old. but it's fine. It's decent, clean, well located for the surrounding points of interest and our room is perfect for our needs. 2 double beds and a sofa sleeper means we're all able to sleep in our own spaces comfortably. The view is nice, too. We have a reasonably view of the ocean and although it's not wide screen due to being blocked on both sides by hotels, it's still a good chuck of visibility of boats, surfers, waves and more. The resort is next to the Hilton Hawaiian Villages which has a lot of cool spots too, and this place has a nice open space, resturants, and lots of other amenities. But it's crowded. Honolulu is like Disneyland, it's just all one big tourist destination and like Vegas, it's over the top and feels superficial. I want to return within a year with Jen and go to a quiet island where we can just "be". My idea of fun isn't the crowds and chaos or the "attractions", it's people, and it's downtime. I got some downtime in while they did their JetSki thing. I sat poolside and listened to more audiobooks as I did on the plane. One in particular was really inspirational as far as my desires to write about the past 8 years leading up to this past one. Tommy said tonight that he was "having a hard time" and "feeling guilty" about being in Hawaii and missing his mom. I don't know quite what to make of that. I'm not sure what he's feeling guilty about. I'll need to see what more I can glean but for the time being I'm trying to focus on letting go of everything I can't control which is everything external o my own reactions. This journal is filled with that struggle. It's a constant one for me. But this trip is one I have choose to see through and ensure he, and I, have some shared experiences adn memories that might be worth something in the years to come. Tomorrow I ride along while they go out for a 4 hour diving excursion. I'll hang out on the boat but I want to be there as a supportive observer. A silent, supportive observer. I hope to see his excitement at the clear waters and things they'll see including a sunken ship or two as I understand it. I think I'll have some stretches of time for more audiobooks and hopefully more inspiration as a writer, a parent, and a struggling introspective human being just trying to figure out how the world works and where I fit in.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.5 lbs,❤️ 60.4 bpm, 👣 5847.5 steps, 🧘🏼11 min

I slept well for a change. Could it have been the CBD that Tommy bought, brought home and decided against taking? Our neighbor Lindsey was good enough to advise Tommy that grieving his mom's loss is a natural process that you can't supplement away. Amen. I've set aside my crutches over this past year with great success. But I did want to give this a shot, given that it's a 40:1 mix, so it wasn't going to be psychoactive. I took the prescribed 1ml around 7 pm, forgot about it, went to bed at the usual time and crashed hard. I'm averse to relying on anything as a workaround, but it was effective. I won't be taking it to Hawaii, but I might test it out further next week. Jen and Lauren returned, and I'm as glad as the dogs are to see them again, perhaps more! I missed them both, but my focus for the day/evening has been on getting ready for the trip tomorrow. I am fully packed and struggling with Tommy's lack of action. But I'm trying hard to let go and hope he learns from experience. His 'last minute' attitude puts my ability to enjoy myself in a compromised place. If I let him crash and burn, then I do too. Maybe that's a bad choice of words before a flight. We had to run and buy some eardrops for Lucky tonight - he was having a hard time with his ear infection, which he's scheduled to be seen for tomorrow, but that was way too late. Poor guy. Lauren needs to take a more active role in the care of her dog. And I need to find a way to remember that shit happens and when it does, it's an opportunity to step up and engage in positive ways and not get so caught up in resenting the interruption. And I need to let them own their shit and the outcome of not doing so.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.7 lbs,❤️ 61 bpm, 👣 6280.6 steps, 🧘🏼14 min

Another day starts solo, just the dogs and I, and of course, they seem to feel they have precedence over my need for seeing through my routines. Too bad, dogs. They waited; I got my tasks done and fed them before taking a break for some meditations. Tommy slept in; I made him a breakfast bagel for 'old times sake' and went about my work routine after walking Scottie. After a morning full of meetings, I ran quickly to Panorama to get some carry-on luggage for Hawaii. I returned for more conferences and started pulling together details for the Hawaii trip. While checking emails, I found that my $250/seat upgrade bid to get bumped to First Class got accepted for the flight Wednesday! Tommy and Karl are pumped, and I'm excited too. It's a 6hr flight, and that added space and comfort will make for an excellent start. If all goes well and Tommy's allowed to drive the rental, my "unwind" options may be extensive. The freedom to chill at will, as it were, will be welcome. I don't particularly need to do more than just lounge and linger. They can go all about and have a great time, and we'll do what we can together as circumstances allow. I talked briefly to Jen and Lauren, and they're having a good time. Lauren wants to do a "road trip" with me this summer, and I'm good with that. I got a little "fire pit" time before it got too chilly. I had a nice chat with Matt C and some back/forth texts with Jeri as we coordinate her upcoming visit in just a few weeks. Overall, a relatively low-key and uneventful day, and that's just fine. I like having a break in the chaos and the rest of the week will be a moving target.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 6568.3 steps, 🧘🏼13 min

The older I get, the more I enjoy revisiting well-traveled paths from my past.

Jen and Lauren flew to Disneyland yesterday. Bonnie reached out about the Dining room table earlier that morning, asking if Alex and his fiancee could take it, as they needed one. I was happy to extend that opportunity to them. It was a bittersweet moment, as has been 50+ % of everything that's getting redistributed. The table was hers when we met, ours in Carlton duplex and eventually got stashed in the back of Panorama for the last ~15yrs. I won't go on again about the 'value' of things hidden but given every possible option and outcome for this table, knowing both kids are not attached to or interested in keeping it, having it go to Bonnie's son carries the legacy on within familiar faces. She would like that. After dropping Jen and Lauren off and returning 10 min later after getting a call that Lauren had left her wallet in the car, I visited my mom. I meandered down through Pineville, reflecting on the passing of time, the paths I walked with my friend to junior high and then High School, and felt a wave of melancholy. Linda's death has brought about a strong sense of mortality for me. How can it not? After visiting with my mom and recognizing that she is having further difficulties as she ages, I reached out to my brother to recommend he come to visit this year. I also stopped by Madronia again and spent time at Linda's grave. I think I'm doing that (2nd time this week) because I have yet to comprehend and accept this fully. Or perhaps it just comes and goes, along with various degrees of perspective. Standing there looking at the dirt and decaying flowers still left over from the service, and trying to comprehend that her life has ended and her body now lies beside her father as she had always wanted and as we had discussed so many times in such detached terms feels like a dream now. I returned home, made a nice steak salad, and settled in for the night, only to get a short-notice invite to watch "Death on the Nile" with Jon and Cheryl. I took Lauren's mini and went to enjoy some wine with them and immensely enjoyed the movie. It was perhaps better than the Orient Express was. The dogs both slept with me, and I woke to Tommy heading out to do some "ExtraHour" work. The house was mine all day. That's something I always fantasize and yet, with the chance here, it felt odd and a bit lonely, to be honest. I did set forth and tackle some lingering needs, however. I committed to staying "in motion" for the day and tackling all the clutter and crap that has amassed in numerous drawers and spaces. I  cleared and cleaned the entry cabinets, the cables and cords in the living room, the 'desk' drawers in the kitchen cubby, and the patio. I tossed a shitload of old and extra cables that I have not needed for years (but will, of course, next week). It feels great to have done this, especially with a move on the horizon; the more I clear here, the less I move then. I'm going to focus my evening on reading or listening to some audiobooks. I want to take a break from 'watching' stuff, as the time goes so quickly, and I seldom get as much out of it as I put time into more thought-inducing endeavors.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.3 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 6048 steps, 🧘🏼10 min

Another day testing out the modified alarm and it all worked well, as did the first night, with one execption being that I looked at email before morning meditations and caught a reference to a blog site being removed. I noted it as I deleted it assuming it was spam but sure enough, blogger somehow determined that my geoffmitchell site was somehow in violation of their terms and conditions. That threw me, because I've not been as diligent about backups and essentially a month+ of my posts there were theoritcally gone or at risk of being gone. I followed an appeal request through the notification email and online, assuming i'd likely wait weeks for any response, and by the time I returned from our dog walk it was restored. Lesson: backup weekly, and accept that any online pubishing of my writings is subject to removal in any form or instance incuding self-hosted unless I setup my own ISP. Whatever the case backups are gonna be weekly and that's the best option I have. I'm just grateful that I don't have to revisit hosting options. I have enough on my plate as it is. Worked at Pano with Jen and took a long lunch. Went to Campbell Aqui to split a salad and we discussed recent insights re kids inheritence and the trust and edleman financials position on access and rights. Continued discussions in the afternoon with Kathy via texts, working to coordinate with estate legal resources to ensure we 'execute the trust' approporiately and ensure the kids are empowered with funds for College, not funds for Tesla's. Had a nice lunch with Jen. Chilled at home, enjoyed some brie and a 2016 Malbec from France (you can taste the soil) until Tommy came home and started giving me shit about the fact that we're gonna try and move into Pano ASAP and delay flooring in his room until we do the rest of the house after kitchen remodel, all at once. WTF? Why's it an issue? He's been pressing to move in but seems to think ti's simply a matter of our dragging our feet about remodeling things when the reality is far more compliccated and tied to lead times, supply chains, our financials, and so much more. I love him but he's a fucking asshole. He actually did apologize for 'gaslighting me' but once i was trying to converse again he flipped back to the dysfunctional oppositional position out of habit and I just and to let go and stop talking. There's no winning. Just like his mom and his uncle, he's sadly learned to just argue for the rush of arguing. It breaks my heart that this is how he's turned out, and I blame her and myself for not shutting her down in year one when it came to this bullshit aspect of parenting. Whatever the case it fucked up my night and now I'm just trying to regain the posiive attitude I had before getting sidelined by this insanity. As I said to Jen, It's insane that anybody is expected to take so much constant shit and when they scream "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE", they're seen as the ones with an issue. Oh, and today I learned that "whale poop matters more than I might think". Fascinating.

📊 seven-day averages: ⚖️ 160.4 lbs,❤️ 61.7 bpm, 👣 6019.4 steps, 🧘🏼14 min