I was up early Thursday morning, with Jen, in preparation for the 7 am arrival of the electrician coming to upgrade our electrical panel from 100 amps to 200 amps and the installation of an external port for EV charging. Tommy's very happy of course, and I'm glad to be upgrading the house from its original hardware. It's long overdue. The work went relatively smoothly, all was done in time for the GNO I was hosting at the house. Jen left mid-day for her girls' weekend in Capitola. GNO was awesome, with some deep conversation related to Brian's father's recent passing and our outlooks on mortality. Scottie's managing but missing Jen, and so am I. I've had a low-key day today, mostly at home sans a dog-walk and a later walk to meet JS for coffee. I did put some time into picking up the garage, slightly. I was reminded today, on my walk back from coffee, about last night's mortality discussions when I came across the memorial for a woman who was struck in a crosswalk Sunday. It was early evening. She was walking with her daughter and their dog. They used the crosswalk. A driver ran the red light killing the woman and the dog, while the daughter survived. I can't say how many times I've crossed that crosswalk and others, and as unlikely as it is, it does happen. We can be here one day and gone the same, in an instant. It's for that reason that I am continuing to strive to be grateful for all I have and to start making more conscious efforts to enjoy whatever time I have left. Hopefully, decades of a healthy life lie ahead, but that's something that woman might have been assuming Sunday while walking her daughter and dog before they were struck. The only moment we're guaranteed is the one occurring right now. Make the most of it.

I wanted to sleep last night, and I've been having some difficulty. I took an Ambien to help me avoid the routine of waking up. I crashed ultra-hard and was out cold until at least 4 am. I didn't even put my phone away or turn off the light. I don't like messing with meds and won't make it a habit, but that was a damned good sleep. Having fixed my stereo console, I wanted to try again for a day-long platter spin. I called this my one-sided play day. Going alphabetically through the collection, I pulled one album, A-Z, by artist and played one side. Today's "one-sided playlist" was America's Greatest Hits, Buckingham-Nicks, Another Page, The Best of the Doobie Brothers, Hotel California, The Innocent Age, Gamma 1, I Can't Stand Still, Shabooh Shoobah, Body and Soul, 52nd Street, Leftoverture, Imagine, American Garage, Have You Never Been Mellow, Animals, News of the World, City to City, Teaser and the Firecat, It's My Life, War, 1,000,000 Weekend, and Asylum Years. It was a great way to enjoy the vinyl collection on a rainy day while increasing my steps count every 22 minutes. I had a bit of a stressful moment mid-day when I received an email that implied I would move to Cobra for insurance effective next month when that was not my understanding... Marlin dubbed it "Wonky" too, but we are working out the logistics and ADP barriers to the best of his/our ability. I am accepting what I can't control but not just throwing my hands up without a reasonable degree of due diligence. What it is is what it is. The bi-weekly online "CardzMania" game was fun, as always. It's amazing to have had Steve share that they have now been in Minnesota for three full years as of this month. I still remember when they moved away. I found this online option to enable us all to maintain a connection far richer than it might have been with less routine interaction. As we talked, we touched on friends and family having health issues ranging from heart attacks to possibly terminal circumstances. I am grateful to have lived as long as I have without such instances, but I realize it's an eventuality. Which only emphasizes the need to appreciate life while we have it.

After a busy but manageable day yesterday filed with back-to-back activity, it was refreshing to have very little to attend to today. I let Jen sleep in, fed the dogs and put a focused effort into resurrecting a languish degree of my "Atomic Habits". I got a full morning of mindfulness under my belt before 8am. I came to a few realizations throughout the day regarding my stalled efforts to improve my physical health. It has to do with the stressors of uncertainty regarding my employment, but after a healthy lunch conversation with Marlin yesterday, the die is cast and I am greatly optimistic that the road I have consiously embarked upon, as risky as it feels, is exactly where I need to be going. Its been a nerve-wracking undertaking, and maintaining a revenue stream remains a concern, but my personal well being and needs for sincere happiness are priceless and priortized appropriately. Meanwhile the PL Fencing quote was obtained and sent to insurance for approval and I spent more time ticking off more check boxes on the neverending to do list. They are likely subconscious diversions but if I realize that... are they? Anyway, I ended my night going thru a list of wines I may want to stock up on in the upcoming GOBM sale, and after being patiently unable to resolve the issue with the console turntable this morning I returned at night's end to try again... and I succeeded. Jen and I, just the two of us,are enjoying Grover Washington's "Winelight" record while reminiscing about the mid 80's and "KBLX".

Today was an active day. I called it last night and I was right. I picked up Lauren, dropped her at Panorama, had lunch with Marlin, grabbed Lauren and met Tommy for lunch at Aqui, took her to get her retainer ordered, then back to the train station, back home for a meeting with Megan at Kaiser, off to Matt's soup party with Diana, Brent, Kim, Gene, Bobbie, Mark, Dave and Marie. Damn!

I'm still processing many of the implications around my employment situation, and it was good to have time today. I headed up to Jikoji for the Sunday class and meditation only to encounter a road closed sign. So I spent some time at home mapping out strategies and talking more with Jennifer about how we can work on managing things. Then we headed to Matt's to meet up with Diana and her cousin Deb. We went to Filoli and the gardens were beautiful. I'm glad Jen has a membership we can utilize all year. Tomorrow will be an active day.

I slept poorly. Between the impact of the wine, the food and likely the worst offender being, the dessert, I was bloated and uncomfortable. Plus, my and was racing about the job situation. I ended up writing out my thoughts about options and approaches. I went to the great bear with Tommy for coffee and told him about the likely change. He was supportive of the desire to stop chasing corporate growth and get into something more gratifying. I spent most of my day toying with ideas and options. But talking to Jennifer helped me recognize the intention and expectations I had taking this step, but even more so, how much I don't want to continue there. It's also been a challenge to see the ideas presented by Marlin as being covertly manipulative or sincerely considering of my longer term best interest in the light of future cuts on the horizon, and what need I fulfill. Which is admittedly none. Do I really want to return to the dysfunctional nature or ever take a lesser role and reduced salary only to have that be the starting point for my next gig and also have my employment agreement payout slashed too? No. It is time to get out. cut clean. Walk away. Story on disability. Make my next chapter a whole new place of joy, presence, excitement, fulfillment and gratification on all activities. We got a mid-day invitation to have dinner with Jon and Cheryl. We took the Last 2015 Malbec and it was wonderful. It's become a tradition to share our last Martin Ranch from the time we were introduced to their wines. The tri-tip was delicious as was the rest of the meal. I'm grateful to have the friends we have and the opportunities and options to spend time laughing and connecting. They had learned today that a friend died suddenly today, they still don't know the circumstances, but it reinforced the mindset of drinking the good wine now. Cheers to that.

It's been a long day. It started well and is ending well in the context of the scope of life and all of the challenges we face. I learned today that my friend's father passed away at 87. My daughter left to return to college after spring break spent together with us. My wife's son has strep throat and coved while losing work and in mid-move. And, after 12 years at the same company, they are looking to cut my position before my return from FMLA. So.... just how should I compartmentalize all of this? What represents significance, and what is simply transitional? I'm trying to keep a positive and stoic attitude. I will do what I can and should to ensure my rights are honored, but I want to balance my response to this with my understanding of the nature of my own path and desires. I don't want to fight for what I don't want. Yet I will fight for what is just, fair and right. This all came about after getting a text from my manager wanting to "check-in", just before taking Lauren to the train station and before my counseling appointment. That was good as it allowed me to vet some of my concerns. I was going to push back on checking in but decided to get it over with and not delay or add uncertainty to the next 5 days. I have a good deal of due diligence to manage quickly. We ended the day with a dinner outing with Dom and Mary at DCG. That was cathartic too. It felt odd to have them voicing concern about the likelihood of the job loss in a way that made me wonder why I was not as concerned as they were. maybe I am, but it's not sunk in. I guess I won't know what's next until this concludes, however it may conclude.

We managed to clean up and clear out of 10-63 well before or 10 amcheckout. I took the golf cart for a spin. At first I was concerned with how sluggish it was but it warmed up and ran as well as it ran the entire time we were there. So I will assume for the time being that all is well. We went directly to the Pancake place for breakfast. It was good that we got there when we did as the wait for food was long. I stopped in the shop I found the printed quotes at and bought another ten. I like them, they will keep me couscous throughout the day. Things went smoothly getting to the airport. The lounge was awesome again. Jen and I had a glass of wine in the "outdoor" bar. I think the length of our trip was good but two full days of travel was a lot to juggle. Maybe a future trip would be better local. I want Jen and I to go on more lil day trips for awhile. The flight home was uneventful, we arrived home to a pair of very happy dogs.

Our final full day at Catalina. It was peppered with scattered rain as expected. Our EcoTour was wonderful but damned cold. we had chilly winds the whole time. We were not as fortunate as Tommy and I were on our prior trip to have seen Bison and the Catalina Fox. But it did give Jen and Lauren a chance to see the beauty and scale of the island. Tommy went on a jet ski rental while we three went to the Casino Tour. It was the shorter version than my prior experience but that was enough for Jen and Lauren. We filled the golf cart with gas while waiting for Tommy. It was driving rough afterwards and while discussing it we realized I screwed up and used diesel! I F'd up. Tommy made me feel even worse. It was, fortunately, only about 10% of the tank and I took it back to fill it with as much premium fuel as possible just to further dilute the mix. It seems to be running reasonably well now so my fingers are crossed that no real damage was done by the small amount added. I will give it a quick drive in the morning to double check all is stable. We had dinner at the Blue water. It was good but not quite the same as the prior trip either. Maybe the takeaway is to not have expectations that something great is completely repeatable. And maybe too, to leave well enough alone and move on to new places vs returning to the last. We head home in the morning, and I am ready to. I am glad we finally made it hereafter 3 years of time between our original planning and now. A lot changed during that time. I walk away from this feeling like the thing I will miss the most is what I commented on in a prior post: watching my kids together in such positive ways. It gives me a sense of relief and of release. I've done my best, as questionable and subjective as that might be, and the road ahead won't include me. As sad as that may sound it's also how it should be.

The wind on Catalina this morning was intense. "Whistling" level intense. It was strong enough to move patio furniture. We slept well all the same. Although the place is dated, the master bed is wonderfully comfortable. I got up and made coffee and bacon. The weather cleared up around 10 am. We took the golf cart into Avalon for the afternoon. Coffee at the Catalina coffee shop, toured a couple of rooms at the Zane Gray hotel (the penthouse would be a dream stay), walked about the Wrigley botanical gardens, picked up groceries for tonight's dinner (carnitas), and browsed the shops. We headed back to the condo around 3pm as the clouds, winds and rain returned. Tommy and Lauren made guacamole. Watching them interacting this week has been, in a word, deeply moving. Ok, two words. There is a bond between them strengthening through distance and maturation. And they both seem so comfortable with us, Jen included, as a family. Jen made dinner and we watch some of but not all of "American Treasure". The sunset was nice. Nothing like what Tommy and I saw in February but still quite dramatic. The kids and I made a Vons run, circled the casino and returned to finish the movie. It was a well balanced day.

I ended my night last night setting out an intention to enjoy our vacation no matter what happened. Then this morning I woke to learn that our flight had been cancelled. All of my best intentions, meditations, stoic mindful awareness that all I have control over is my reactions... all of that seemingly proactive useful insight came up against this sudden change and... I lost it. Nor my temper. I lost my habitual response of feeling put-upon, targeted, fated, victimized, and without hesitation I stayed calm. I said "OK, let's see what we can figure out," And we did. I tried to unsuccessfully cancel the UBER but it was too late to do so. Delta had rescheduled us to a later flight, and there was a later ferry we would likely still have time to catch, but I would likely have to argue to reschedule it given the rigid cancellation terms they made clear when I booked it. Add to this that the reschedule of our flight did not include Tommy due to him having booked his flight himself. Considering the options I suggested Jen look at San Jose flights. She called and got the three of us on a 10am flight out of San Jose, but we could not get Tommy on the same flight. So we found and booked him on a Southwest flight, direct, leaving at 8: 30. I used some of the gift card balance I had for that. We drove ourselves to the airport, dropped Tommy, parked in Long Term Parking, checkedour bags and met Tommy at the Delta Club Lounge just in time to have him head to his flight. Lauren and I watched it depart from the lounge. All of this was managed without frustration or tension. I am proud, surprised and encouraged to recognize the benefits that have come with the time I have spent working on myself. We made it to LAX, then to lunch in Long Beach, to the ferry and to Catalina and finally to Hamilton Cove. I am not as impressed with the condo as I thought I would be. It's dated, not well maintained (water damage, cracked tiles, windows that are difficult to open and more. I don't know that I would return over another option at a similar price. The location is definitely spectacular though. And I do hope to enjoy that to its fullest. We spent the whole day traveling so our evening was low-key: skipbo and Zootopia FTW.

I visited Linda's grave today. I saw Austin there too. Once he left, I spent more time there than ever before. I sat down and stayed very present and focused. It was intense, genuine and "real". I wrote about this day in a couple other posts elsewhere. After I left, I ran a few errands, helped clean the house and we trimmed and washed the dogs. Jen was able to use the "single serving" containers I picked up today to stage their food for Cindy for the week ahead as she dog-sits during our Catalina trip. I finished going through and naming several years of audio recording that I captured for my or the kids future reference of as a way of drafting blog posts. The app "Just Press Record" is really useful and may provide a way to expedite a backlog of blog topics I have amassed through the years. I had a chance to end my day with a call talking to a friend, and it struck me how valuable communication, actual dialog in real time, is. Years of emails and text messages have taken a bite out of my "analog" contact but that, like using a digital pad to write longhand again, can be revived, too.

A Loose Affiliation With The Real

When this day came one year ago, it was expected and overdue. It was anticipated, and in a sad, seemingly selfishly yet equally compassionate way, it was wished for and strongly desired. The path to that point was long, filled with shock, confusion, modest hope and ample uncertainty. With intention, resolution, deep reflection, insight, inspiration and a sense of reconciliation.

It's only a year later that I'm coming to the point of comprehending how quickly it all happened and how much I wish I could have been even more present throughout the experience. For myself, for her, for our kids.

Looking Back On All This Life

Today, on the 1 year anniversary of the final day the kids and I got to spend with you, I want to share a few milestones that have been happening since, reflect on that experience, and emphasize that your memories are being carried forward.

I read online yesterday that a good way to manage gophers in your yard is to sprinkle coffee grounds at the holes. So while at Starbucks this morning, I asked for and got a massive bag of feet! This will be an interesting experiment. Lauren called to share some good grades news and excitement about the Catalina trip. The weather may not be perfect, but I am going with a positive mindset. Leven, if we are stuck inside due to rain, we will be in a beautiful place. I made some budget projections last night, and I started to get anxious about our future, but at the same time, I see that even our worst-case scenarios are manageable. Staying positive takes constant conscious effort, but it is well worth it. Tommy and I had lunch at Aqui today; it was a pleasant but short time. I used an approach the Kaiser counselor recommended to engage in dialog, which worked well. I asked if he wanted to go to Madronia tomorrow, and he did not commit either way. Linda's sister Kathy called after lunch, and we talked briefly about her passing and the kids since then. It was a pleasant and positive call. I'll also want to set aside some tomorrow to reflect on myself. We heard a coyote tonight very close to the house. Jen saw one walking down our street a few weeks ago, and now we heard it. The dogs are on high alert and growling still.

I started my morning in a funk. Tired, having woken a few times concerned about where Tommy was or had been until 2:30 am. I plan to talk to him as soon as I can about our agreement that he let us know when he's out past midnight that he will be so we can adjust our expectations. And to try to be quiet. And oh, yeah, to keep the bathroom clean, for fuck's sake. It's all we ask. My mood lessened as my daily routine validated a maintained stall to reduce my weight. Months of no significant progress become a true hotpoint. It's reminiscent of years of being stuck and complaining yet not getting as focused and aggressive as necessary, and that's where I seem to be again. OverallI felt quite depressed most of the morning. I have a lot of anxiety about returning to work at month-end and concerns about the remainder of the year and the unknowns. All that being said, this feels like back-sliding. Everything is unknown. Nothing is guaranteed, and all of my reading and embracing of Zen and Stoic philosophy failed to beat the blues to the front of my thoughts. I'm not alone, though, and I'm feeling better already, having revisited some of the reminders that whatever may come of the year ahead, unless it kills me, won't kill me if you know what I mean. Jen and I went to Chromatic on Lincoln. I was incredibly impressed by how cool the building is, but the cold interior and lack of wifi made for a mediocre experience. I'll stick to the local Starbucks simply for ease and options. I am getting too comfortable not working and am concerned that my return to work may not be smooth. That is another area without guarantees. I finally made a minor adjustment to the string lights on the patio (raised slightly) and moved the "bug zapper ' 'to the other side of the house, hoping it would draw bugs away and is not causing Scottie always to flinch and run inside. Ten went out with my mom even though her power was back on. To share her (Jen's) homemade tomato soup and a bottle of Cass Rose. I stayed back to manage the dogs and do virtual GNO. It was great as always, but BL wasn't on the call, and we're all hoping things are going well with his father, who's sadly facing a downward trend with his heath and it's not looking good. It's another reminder of our mortality.

The Goodness of You

One of my 40+ (and growing) routine reminders is "Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people." As is "Be part of the solution." It's certainly difficult to believe in the goodness of people when scammers try to get your life savings and leave you penniless. However, I think there's a difference between ignorance and action. The same people would likely not pull that deceit on somebody they care about. Thus, the barrier seems to be not caring about everybody the same way you would about some family or friend. Why are we not all family and friends?

The power returned around 3 am. I met J. S. for coffee, and the walk there and back exposed me to all the damage done to many people's property. We got off easy. This time. The trees that had fallen at the "rock'' park on Thomas Dr we perhaps the most stunning examples of the magnitude of nature's force, and the good fortune of the homes spared severe damage due to the directions they fell. I ran some stuff to my mom while she awaited power at her house. Cards with the usual crew was fun. My mom's power returned. I wrote about handwriting recognition after an inspirational dream. I 'm wiped and amazed at how quickly a day can pass when you're busy.

I am tempted to start using the "S. A. D." light now that daylight savings have sucked up our morning routine. My newly authored shortcut with a gradually ascending alarm worked well; however, at the same time, it appears to collide with other parallel alarm tasks, so I will be abandoning further efforts on that and instead tummy energy towards different, more pressing needs. The winds today were intense. I watched with fear as trees swayed and came to find that our last remaining side of fencing finally caved at the 49 mph force wind gusts! Of course, now we get to go through the insurance process, but I got that call placed within minutes of finding it down. Within about 20 minutes of that, our power was out! Every time that happens, I consider a generator a wise investment. It may be time to invest in one of the newer technologies, battery backups. Nothing I can rush out and get today but a Harbor freight option with 20 % off. We were spared any further damage as the winds slowed down. We went to check on my mom to find that she, too, was without power. We brought a wonderful Bianchi Chardonnay with us and ended up staying with her until past 10 pm, eating and drinking and visiting with the dogs. It was a pleasant way to spend the powerless evening, and I know my mom appreciated the company.


My morning began with my weekly trek up to Jikoji for Zazen. The recent change of the clocks meant that the drive lit by sunrise was now dark, and a dense fog covered the mountain, making visibility a challenge. I made it in time all the same. The usual folks were there: Michael, Amanda, Nick, Hogan, along with Luke and Miguel, Gerow, Charles, who is now a resident, and Don, a new face who has a connection to Doug, one of the teachers. My sit was good. Not my best, not my worst... I stayed to help make breakfast, and although I had none, I did drink coffee and participate in conversations. This was a full house for a weekly Monday planning meeting. It ran longer than usual, and I wanted to stay and engage. My future visits may necessitate shorter stays if I have work obligations. Ugh. Work is a four letter word. so is obligations, now that I think of it. I still find the Zazen practice a good use of time, and I like all of the people involved, too. It's an interesting set of varied personalities. I strongly believe I can learn something from each of them. My return trip got dragged out because Highway nine was closed on the way down the hill, so I had to take skyline down to Bear Creek. It was beautiful. Misty cloudy forest. My rescheduled Kaiser appointment went well. I managed to finally successfully manage my consumption for the entire day so the am weigh-in should prove rewarding. I could use the motivation. This should be a relatively low-key week, which would be welcome. The Catalina trip is on the horizon yet it already feels too short! I am grateful that Cindy is so generous to dog sit. That takes a serious stress off of our shoulders. Beyond the luxury of the lounge experiences and the eco-tour, I pretty much plan to just veg out at the rental property.

Highlights: Posted all the entries for the past 2+ months. I started working through a backlog of content yet to post. I took a break from the reMarkable for the day, not by intention. I just worked on other things using other tools. Lunch with Tommy and my mom was a spur-of-the-moment suggestion on his part, and I want to get him doing more with her 1:1 in order to know her better. Jen and I visited Tom's 80th gathering. He's a fascinating man. Danise has an amazing history too. I want to find time to get to know them better myself. I guess it's going around. I'll be making a Jikoji stop tomorrow, weather permitting. I'm not pressing on the newsletter stuff any further. I'll wait for it to get better defined.

My attempt to constrain the length of my journaling could be better. I frankly love writing again. I'd forgotten (mostly) the years I spent communicating with family, friends & loved ones by writing a letter, addressing an envelope, sticking it out for pickup and, of course, the reversed joy of receiving a response a few days later. There was no need for a quick response. No perceived slight when the reply took a week or more. And the focus on the written word feels more intimate, too. All of this could be typed, and when the "Type Folio" I ordered arrives, I expect I'll use it, but to sit in a chair with my legs crossed while scribing my thoughts onto a virtual pad of graph paper using a pen feels as authentic and familiar as the pops and clicks between tracks on the console stereo to my side. 
Today started well. An early rise, the "fed 'n bed" dog routine, a moderately focused zazen sat window-facing while the rain fell on the yard outside. As always, the session with Denise was insightful, informative and validating on many levels. My next stage in life needs to be spent doing something that feeds my soul and brings me joy. Perhaps that opportunity will exist at Care2, but I might find that it does not. It's going to be an interesting month. 
Jen and I went to "GOBM," When we returned, we found that Lucky had eaten a significant amount of chocolate. It was likely my fault due to having moved some items in the pantry around. I must have left it in a position where it slipped and fell. I did enough research to confirm that I would need to induce vomiting at a minimum. Using Hydrogen Peroxide. Which we thought we had but could not find. So after a run to Safeway and back, utilizing a medicine dropper Tommy coincidentally had in his room, Lucky was primed and expelling the contents of his stomach in about 10 min total. I've only had to do this once before, and it did not work, but this time it did the trick. I started out feeling irritated and frustrated because the dog had no idea that he was wrecking my plans for the day, let alone risking his life, because, hey, he's a dog. And even after numerous lengthy, drawn-out closed-room educational seminars, complete with PowerPoints and handouts, he still seems unable to grasp, let alone retain, the severity of the molecular interactions within his body due to ingesting chocolate. Stupid fucking dog. Once the purging concluded, It was time for a bath. He seems fine now but shaken, as I tend to feel myself after a purge of such magnitude. We'll keep an eye on him. 
I have been feeling a nagging compulsion to reach out to Jon F. and make plans to sync up for a casual dinner and movie night. It's been on my mind for several weeks. So I dictated a quick text to start the dialog between the store and finding the chocolate binge. We ended up scheduling an impromptu get-together for tonight.
 Jen brought stew. We enjoyed a 2017 Petite Sirah from Therese Vineyards, passed on a sub-par cellar saver, sipped some Midleton's and RedBreast and enjoyed an evening catching up. We have awesome lives and awesome friends!

For what was a relatively uneventful day, today was gratifying. Jen was in Roseville, so I was on solo duty managing the dogs. Her absence threw them off. Scottie sat up at 6: 20 am and looked at me in a manner that seemed to convey dismay and accusations. "what have you done with her body?" was the look I got. my morning routines were thrown to the winds, but I got up, made coffee and chatted briefly with Tommy as he headed out to work. Knowing that I'd likely spend the afternoon at home with Jen once she returned, I went to the nearby Starbucks to enjoy a cup of coffee amongst other people. I enjoy writing on the remarkable more than I initially expected. I am impressed with both my return to handwriting proficiency and the device's ability to convert my scrawl to type. The forthcoming "Type Folio "will certainly enable a more familiar experience, yet the way it's been working has surprised me consistently. Once I knew Jen was close to home, I returned to be with her, and shortly after, we had lunch with Tommy at Eric's Deli cafe. He seemed to want to go to lunch but was quiet and distant the entire time. I suspect he's possibly preoccupied with a girl situation—just a gut feeling. Jen made dog food. I Made a salad for dinner. Jen picked a date for a breakfast event I dubbed "Spring out of Bed" as a tie-in to the change of seasons at that time, Hopefully. Who knows anymore. The weather is dramatically changing. It's raining and quite windy tonight, and it should be tomorrow too. I am starting to gear up mentally for my return to work at month's end. When I return, I hope to find myself in a better and healthier position. As for tomorrow, I may run up to Icky' if the weather and road conditions are ok, but with high winds tonight, I sus pet I may be better off waiting for Sunday when things will hopefully be cleaned and less subject to harsh winds and rain.


6am rise. Light rain. Jen off to Roseville to visit Judith and others. Picked up a C..L.'d side table that matches the Lane furniture. Tommy worked. Dr Chen meeting. EDD call to ensure ongoing enrolment. Looks like MetLife approved my claim. Scottie and Lucky are thrown by Jen's absence. She will be back tomorrow. I am going to start taking the Gabapentin to relieve the neck and arm pain. Marioni's used our dryer while theyget theirs replaced.

The Warmth of the Son

 It's been a complicated couple of years for my son and me. At least two. Perhaps more like seven or eight, depending on your perspective, and if, during those years, you were feeling abandoned by one parent while being driven crazy by the other. As was my son. Far from what I ever intended or expected, my vision, hindsight in specific, has improved. Looking back, I see many things that put that contentious and fractured relation­ship into perspective. And makes it at least understandable without being necessary. Painfully so.

I won't say it was easy, but I did manage to drag my sleepy ass out of bed at 5:45 am. I quietly exited the bedroom and the house and headed to Jikoji. It took 30 minutes, door to door, and I had time to transition from the drive up. I took the mini. It was a beautiful morning. The full moon was visible above a cloud bank on the way to Saratoga. The drive up is always breathtaking, provided you are in the moment and paying attention. It's the scenery you see in a movie, and you wonder if it's a real place or CGI. There was still snow and the upper hillsides. The sunrise painted the clouds with an orange hue. Only Nick and Michael were present for Zazen. I did well this time; I had some mental distractions but so good focus. I went up because of the weather and plans Jen has to see Judith make going up any other day this week a challenge, And I want to be going at least one day a week. I felt a strong sense of gratitude driving home afterward, simply for the nature and beauty of the drive and that I get to experience and share this. Knowing that today's beautiful weather was likely the last nice day for the week caused me to prioritize a walk to coffee, where I met "Johnathan, and we proceeded to perform a spot-on parody of old men discussing medical conditions and upcoming procedures. Spot-on, I sang-Theremainder of my day was spent addressing a handful of tasks, including booking my trip to see Eric Fisher in Boulder. It's yet another effort of mine to prioritize my relationships and not continue to hesitate to say yes to the things that matter. I also sat down and watched the second part of the George Carlin documentary on HBO. Wow. It was powerful and made me appreciate and respect his craft and agenda. I like the concept of him being, like Lenny Bruce, a mirror and a critic of our society.

I got up early. 6am. I let Jen sleep. She needed it. I kept her up late, and she let me sleep the day before. I fed the dogs and returned them to the bedroom. I then sat for a good 30-minute meditation, followed by another 20 minutes skimming through Daily Calm content for substance; (which is plentiful once you get past the meditation parts) Then I read the Daily Store, and in the end, around 8am, I got Jen up so we could walk the dogs. If this could be my new routine, I would love it. Tommy and I went to Chase Bank, and he was concerned that I was not spending enough time with Jennifer! It was very sweet of him. I assured him all was good. Jess Johnathon and I went to Wrath to pick up Is club allocations and wine taste. I bought a few bottles. We talked to Brian via facetime, and his dad is not doing well. It's good that he is there for him and for his arm. Jen and I walked to Kelly and Velma's for dinner with Wendy. Mark could not make it. We had a good time and our usual enthralling conversations. It was a friend-filled day.

I decided recently to trim the length of the daily journal posts so I could put more time into longer topical writing efforts. Yet it's hard to do on a really full and particularly good day. I slept relatively well until about 3:30 AM when Scotty woke me. he clearly needed to get down and go outside. So I calmly got up and when out to the backyard with him where he proceeded to pee, and then trot around a bit until he pooped and came back in play. He's such a good dog! By this time, Jennifer was up and decided to start her day early. I slept in and did not go for meditation as initially planned. I did follow through on my plan to drive up to Sacramento to spend some time with Matt and with Lauren. I was really excited about doing so. I relished the drive-up. I had spectacular weather all day. There was scattered rain, but mostly a widely diverse range of light and dark clouds scattered amongst blue sky at various heights. It was cinematic. I appreciate being mindful of and in tune with these sorts of things. They are like the moments in nature documentaries or dramatically filmed movies that you watch with awe and wonder while missing the same experience in your own life. We had lunch at Cafeteria 15L, meandered a bit and dropped Lauren at Menchies for her 3-7 shift. Matt and I lingered at Midway Mall, looking at all the antiques that were once items we owned or grew up with. We tried to check out the Botanical gardens but it wasn't a good time of year for it. We lingered at Zocalo until Lauren got off and joined us. After dropping Matt, Lauren and I went to "Icicles" and Starbucks before I headed home. Tommy went off to his 1st full day at Ramblic today and Jen was so thoughtful to help with my mom's need to 'sanity check' a possible injury to her leg and ensure it wasn't broken. All the way home I was really thinking and feeling so fortunate to have the life I have and the people I have in it. I'm so deeply grateful for my friends, kids, wife, mother, and the harmony that I feel amongst them all.

I'd planned on being home all day today and did so sans one brief lunch run with Tommy to Aqui in Campbell. We talked about Safari West but ended up deciding to table the plans later in the day until better weather, and we'll include Lauren. I managed to get many tasks tackled at home as intended. Jen played pickle ball with Marya, and the rest of the day was quite low-key. There was lots of traffic at Pat's former house next door as prospective buyers come to check it out. I'm not going to make any efforts to influence anything, I'm just going to let fate play its hand and hope for a neighbor we can have a good rapport with. And one that pays through the nose and raises our values. :-)

I slept well last night. It might have been the pain meds due to arm and neck issues. I had a good appointment, two, Denise and Megan (kaiser). I feel optimistic about aligning my needs with medical support. Tommy and I are considering a weekend trip to Yosemite next week. I love that place in the winter. Jen and I enjoyed a Go Bm run, singing "Hold the Line'' in unison with to muscle car next to us at the stoplight. I'd told Johnathon and Jess about our "cellar saver "finds over dinner last night and ended up picking up selections for both of them. I am officially an unofficial personal shopper! Jen and I are sincerely aware of and grateful for our friendships. Dom and Mary came over for a "Dry Creek "meal: Brussels, steak, cornbread, and they brought deviled eggs. I managed to eat and drink in moderation. I am looking forward to tomorrow's "mandate" to Wrath in Soledad. Life is good. Really good. We are very aware of how much we have in our friendships and opportunities.

My morning zazen at Jikoji was another good one. Breakfast was subdued. After breakfast, I helped move fallen branches with Gerow, an old gentleman, a calligrapher, who has long-standing ties (20 + years) to the center and may return to reside later this year. I raked gravel, so I am walking the talk. Ten and Tomy came up as planned to see the property and have lunch. We went to Alice's, had a nice meal, and the autopilot on the Tesla was amazing. Tommy dropped us off but expressed interest in coming up solo, which would be good. I decided to return tonight instead of early tomorrow for several logistical reasons. It's nice to be home. GNO was at "water Tower in Campbell, sans Brian, who is in Missouri with his parents. His dad is not doing well.

Tonight's zazen went much better for me than this morning. That is, of course, a relative statement, but an accurate one all the same. Nick's suggestion reference to putting his presence on his core center and not in his head worked well. If I had to gauge my presence over the-30 minute span I would say I was relatively present for at least 10 if not 15 of the minutes. While this morning it was perhaps 5 at best. If at all.



Another thought I have tonight relates to what my own goal in practicing really is, and how it fits into the life I want to lead from hereon out.



Like that person this morning that said, they simply want to be happy, I feel the same.



Does this practice provide that? Not directly, no, but indirectly, as I measure what I feel have been positive changes in my own daily existence, I would say emphatically…. maybe.



Like trying to isolate the root cause of a software bug, if you change 5 things and the problem stops or reduces, you cannot say any one change was responsible for the result.



Between my use of the calm app, reading of the dally store (daily), podcast content, blog/Newsletter subscriptions and oh, hell yes, the leave of absence... I'm managing life in what I consider to be a far more healthy manner.



Zazen sitting takes about 45 Min in the morning and another 30 at night. Not to mention drive time when attending in person. My calm routine would take 30 minutes were I to listen to all 3 each day (which I would like to be doing). Add another 5 minutes for mindfully reading and considering the davy stoic passages, and we are already at 1:20 daily, best case if all done at home without interruption.



Even if I spend 2 hours a day on average, it's worth doing so. It's worth setting boundaries with any job and at home because the lack of time I have spent attending to my own needs for a baseline sense of stability and balance got me to this point.



I get ideas and inspiration from all of the content I consume, but the silent meditation and effort to simply "be" in the moment is allowing me to slow down and make the space in need in order to incorporate all I am learning from the aforementioned content.



Which makes me happy.

I decided early this morning that, as much as I enjoy authoring long journal entries, I want to prioritize that time and focus on business ideas and more focused topical poets. The morning Zazen improved over last night's because I decided to step back from the guilt and pressure I carry about my lack of focus. I am trying to relax and ' 'be'' including accepting an ingrained how I have many years of response, and my nature, perhaps a valuable and beneficial one, is analysis. This was a topic of discussion at breakfast with Michael, Hogan, Amanda and Miquel. Even Michael, an ordained teacher of a high level, experiences this. His sharing a difficult time focusing this morning initiated the conversation.



I suspect a crucial point for me to retain, made by Hogan, is to stay curious and aware of the experience of sitting and attempting to be as present as possible. Tap into that. Consider what is left when you release control, and let go of thoughts about the past and the future. Amen. I took a walk around the grounds since it was sunny out. I got some photos and confirmed that the trails within and outside the grounds are blocked by fallen trees. I moved what I could. The Sky Link internet connection is down, so I am again focused on reading and writing. I am hugely grateful to have this time to spend on introspection, mindfulness and self-care. It's been an incredible gift. I will start thinking more about the impending return to work and how to approach it with a mindset of success and balance.



It's a little crazy that I, someone who routinely laments the onslaught of demands and distractions as the reason I can not complete a book, write more or enjoy a relaxing day with no distractions or demands, can not seem to embrace and leverage being at a zen retreat with plenty of material to read and no external interruptions. I am as restless as can be. I am fighting every impulse to get in my car and go anywhere just to be doing something instead of using the time as a gift. One I gave to myself, at a monetary cost, to obtain what I now have. Time. Open, focused time. My agitation is primarily tied to staying "connected" and accessible. But that's absurd.

Yet I feel like I have an obligation to be accessible, and I also want to be sure we are coordinated for their visit tomorrow afternoon. The lack of internet connection isn't a big deal; if it requires doing so, I can always drive to men to a signal. But I also want to shop for wine in that little town by the coast or go to smart and final to buy paper "to-go "containers for the center's inventory. I know this is 10% useful and 90% avoidance. Avoidance of what? Why do I keep looking for things to fill my time instead of using this time as I intended? Perhaps for the same reason I find sitting in a meditative presence difficult. Conditioning Habit. Routine, Identity.



Fear, maybe.



Didn't I write above how I was going to Journal less?



I eventually caved into the nagging desire to drive ten minutes down the hill and get the limited communication needs I felt so strongly about managed while idling roadside past a 1-lane tree removal effort underway. But I took a weight off of me to have done so, a consequence others up here wrestled with as well! which in and of itself took a bit more weight off. And help me to comprehend again that I am asking and expecting too much of myself. Once I had returned, I could focus on the book I was reading intently for hours in front of a warming fire I maintained on the wood-burning stove. And just like that, I was where I wanted to be.



I realize more and more that my nature has become, if not always was, addicted to 'control, uncomfortable with inaction (as in being in a position of perpetual motion) and in some ways dependent on a sense of identity obtained by being constantly in demand, in need, in the middle of one thing while another awaits and yet another surfaces on the horizon.



Stopping this is hard. Just recognizing it at all has taken years, if not decades.



This leads to my P. M. Zazen. It was one of my best so far. I returned to my notes from my prior stay here and found a similar sentiment written on 2023-01-25. In that instant, I could stay mainly in the moment, like tonight. Tonight, though, I tried applying more attention to my breathing, based on a reference made this morning by Michael and on the Calm app's use of turning the mind to the breath by counting or thinking "in in in..." on the in breath and "out out out "on the out-breath. I did just that, and for about 70% or more of the time, I dodged all sorts of distracting tangential thoughts trying desperately to pull me down the rabbit hole. This was an encouraging accomplishment.



I have decided not to stay beyond Friday night. Friday mornings, Zazen will be the last for the week. There is none on Friday night, and Saturday is a monthly "Zazenki" session going all day with a much larger group. My goal was a week of daily sittings, and I will have achieved that. I am reaching a saturation point here, and I have appointments, plans and family I want to be with for the weekend.



I plan to continue to come to sit at least every Monday, hopefully on Thursdays as well. I like all of the staff. They are all genuine positive people who have influenced my efforts to find a calming space these past months. I plan to help with the weekly newsletter by collaborating with Michael on the tools and workflow. Depending on the event, I will likely come up for an occasional weekend session. I may come to help cook. And I want to attend the next board meeting.

I slept reasonably well last night. I still woke a few times, perhaps more, but managed to return to sleep with relative ease and little or no runaway thoughts. During this mornings sit, which was again a struggle, I started envisioning the onslaught of thoughts as fireflies. "Chasing fireflies". That's what it feels like. It brings back memories of late summer evenings in Lewisburg Pa., darkness consuming the backyard, while my brother and I, equipped with a mayonnaise jar in one hand and it's lid in the other, would scramble about in whatever direction the most recent momentary flickering glow came from. 

Of course as soon as we would spot it and head in that direction the light would extinguish, and we would freeze in eager anticipation of the next glow, poised in position to pounce. My thoughts are the fireflies I impulsively and instinctually chase as they alite. My ideal mindset would be to marvel at the passing moment of light while remaining completely present within the stillness of the darkness. 

Another thought I had relates to the idea of "not thinking ". A concept I have seen challenged. There can be no recognition of having no thoughts without the thought that is that recognition! So it seems instead the goal, again with the fireflies, is to be aware of and attentive to the darkness (using thought) but undistracted by the impulses to do otherwise. (Put the mayo jar down and back away, kicking the lid away from you.) 

I had a pleasant morning talking with Nick, Luke, Amanda and Charles (Amanda's S. O.) in the smaller kitchen after Zazen. I brought the "remarkable z" tablet for Luke to try out. Charles and I talked about the "Before I Go" training and his own mother's age and avoidance. He would be interested in my help. I have a lot to focus on with my return to this path and I want to set some goals and milestones up for April. 

I took Luke and his bike to S. J. Dirdon station so he could get a southbound train to Cambria with the intent of returning for the Saturday Zazenkai session. The drive down Hwy 9 was stunning. Snow-covered, Misty, massive downed trees cut up lined the cleared roadway. It was like driving in Tahoe, After dropping him I went home to see Jen and the dogs. 

Today was her last day at Intel. It's been since January or before that her fate was known and she hasn't really worked a full day since, so it's not a dramatic shift overnight. But it's still final now, as final as anything can be. The good thing is that she recognizes how her circumstance is enabling her to take classes, read books, do homework and workbooks and work towards a future otherwise blocked by a 9-5 job's demands. I see the same in my own situation. The things I am doing and working on are because I took leave. Had I not, who knows what would be going on. 

The evening sit went well. I will admit though that staying in the moment is still very hard to maintain, My mind so freely wanders off and onto narratives more than anything else. I still find myself composing a post or what I might say or do later or any number of ideas that pop up, instead of being present. I imagine snapping my fingers and saying ' 'Hey!" to myself. I follow my breath but lose track due to thoughts. I try body scans, shifting my vision and focal points, anything to be in the moment completely. A good example for reference would be a spectacular sunrise that makes me stop and see it with intense gratitude, or when my son hugs me and holds on well after I let go. Watching Lauren walk to the train with bittersweet pride and sadness. The way I look at Jennifer in rapt amazement is that we have one another. Those are all moments of complete utter presence and focus on absolutely nothing else but that. 30 minutes trying to sustain any of those moments would be impossible so perhaps I expect too much of myself. I will keep trying.