Looking Back On All This Life

Today, on the 1 year anniversary of the final day the kids and I got to spend with you, I want to share a few milestones that have been happening since, reflect on that experience, and emphasize that your memories are being carried forward.

Lauren is attending Sacramento State University with a focus on health science. Tommy has cut back on his classes at West Valley while working full-time for Dr. Trager’s office as a nursing assistant! It's amazing to witness how each of them has matured and become distinctly individual and independent. I know you would be proud of both of them.

Although I spent the past and prior year lamenting how we never got past our differences and challenges, I recently realized that I did get some reconciliation and reconnection with you throughout the last year of your life. I am so grateful to have been there throughout it all. My only regret now is that the time I spent at your side was not time spent honestly discussing and fully facing your prognosis and recounting the gift that was your life with you. It was only as I sorted out and set aside all of the mementos and artifacts you saved that I gained a broader sense of your journey; all you felt, saw, experienced and shared. As you know from one of your favorite films, It really was “A Wonderful Life”.

Your past is a part of our daily life. I made a conscious choice to have reminders of you visible to reinforce the history we shared and the time that was your life. Along with multiple bins set aside for our children's future, containing both their and your history, The kids and I set up a “memorial” in the backyard where your St Francis. statue and pieces of the white picket fence from the Patterson home in Saratoga are a part of our outdoor space.

The French bookcase is in the living room. Your grandfather's books line the bottom, while the other shelves are adorned with a cross-section of historical artifacts. The pottery you made in your youth, items we bought on our trip to Italy in 1998, a key to a flat in Paris, writings of your fathers, your badge from Santa Clara Parks & Rec., and numerous other items, including a photo of you sitting beside that very bookcase on the french chair that is positioned in the same manner, beside the bookcase, today. Your grandparent's clock is present, as well as tables, paintings and more.

All of this is by design. Our children see these items routinely. They know the sentimental value they hold, and in time they will take possession of them with the same respect and reverence they held for you throughout your life.

Both have struggled with your loss in their own ways. In the past few months, both have gradually started opening up about the past year and their deeper feelings. I know from experience that this is the earliest step in what will be a lifetime of revisiting, remembering, comprehending and growing to have a broader and deeper sense of understanding and acceptance of how significant your passing and the 18 years of your presence before then truly was.

You have and will live on as your parents, and your parent’s parents did within you. They have your lifetime of memories to carry them forward.

"Tonight, looking back on all this life,

It's funny how the time goes by,

And how sometimes it slides away"

I Will – Matchbox 20