For me, today is a day of great significance. It's my birthday. I'm turning 54.
You might expect that turning 50 was of great significance, and I would concur. It most certainly was. When Iturned 50, I had worked diligently for the year and a half prior to shed an excess of 60+ pounds. I achieved that goal. I was at my desired bodyweight on my 50th birthday and retained it for the next two years. I felt invigorated and successful. I felt healthy and agile. I felt like I had regained control over a runaway train that was careening towards a brick wall and there was no way in hell I’d let that happen again.
Today I am close to 20 pounds over that weight. I held it for two years, but over the last year and a half I've gradually let it slip again. I can't say I didn't lean on a few good rationalizations like work is highly demanding, I don’t have time to eat well, my commute uses up 2hrs/day, the food at work is too tempting and ever present, my occasional beer had become more frequent, meeting with friends always revolves around food, I've been going through a separation from my wife and kids (but that wound was self-inflicted, so I can't point the finger of blame anywhere but the mirror).. there’s lots of excuses..
In January, I was hospitalized for almost 2 months. Although I could move my legs moderately, it was also weakly, and feeble at best. The syndrome I had acquired attacked my nervous system and began to systematically shut down my muscular function and control, from my toes upward. The time I spent in the hospital, unable to get out of bed, let alone stand and walk to the restroom without accompaniment, was a wake up call. I recognize the fragility of my own existence and reality of the limited time we have. I decided to change my views and my focus. There are entries in this blog that reflect that very time and my initial efforts. There were to be three key focus areas and nothing more: take care of my health, be a great father regardless of the circumstances, and do an awesome job in my career so I can afford to address items number one and two. Everything else was negotiable and secondary to these key objectives.
I left the hospital invigorated with a new outlook on life and how aware I was that it would be fleeting. How aware I was that before I knew it, I would look back with regret the ways I might have wasted my time before that moment. Returning to the mainstream wasn’t an easy transition but within about a month or so I was back in the old routines..
One of the lingering side effects of the syndrome is a subtle numbness in ones' feet. It’s akin to sand between your toes. I had that. I loved it. Honestly, loved it. I wanted that as a constant reminder, a daily virtual finger-flick to my temple to remember what I experienced, and to remain present and in the moment and focused on those 3 key priorities..
That sensation disappeared a few months ago. I walk, jump, run, climb…. all without issue or even a second thought. I went scampering around Sunset beach with my daughter last month, climbing up and down what we counted to be 470+ rag-tag stairs, without blinking an eye. It’s at a point that I don’t even think about it. I don’t remember the days in the hospital and when somebody mentions it, I have to pause and reflect, then expel a slight puff of air as I realized that really did happen..
I'd forgotten about it..
All of it..
The sand? Gone. It's reminder? Gone. Awareness? Gone. Focus… yeah. gone too..
It’s so easy to sleepwalk. To get caught up in the instinctual and repetitive motion of habit and routine. In some ways it feels like disconnection is a survival skill required for getting by in, not being make crazy by, societal demands and expectations of the workplace.
So, what’s waking me up to my priorities again? This birthday, and the personal significance it holds. This has been looming in my mind as this day has approached. I've been waiting for and struggling with turning 54 for several years. 54 is the age my father was, when he died..
This is really hard for me to put into context and it hits many nerves. My father was as old as I am now, when he died rather gruelingly of cancer in another country, removed and somewhat disconnected from me, and I was not aware of his condition. Facing that I am now the age at which he was then puts things into a depressing perspective. If i were to die this year, all of the plans, hopes, goals and ideas I have, along with the moments I have yet to see happen for my own children, would be gone for me. Never realized or experienced. As they were for him, too, at 54. That really is a very young age to die at. So today and this year, my health, well being and longevity are more on my mind then they have been for awhile..
>I’m not back at my target weight, but I’m closing back in on it rapidly. I’ve started walking daily again. I’m focused on eating “whole foods” with more insight and understanding of what my choices are doing to benefit my health. I’m making concerted efforts to work at work and establish a better work life balance. I'm fostering new relationships and working to reinforce and strengthen old ones. I'm being more honest and conscious about what I do or don't do based on my own values and not those of others. And I’m spending more quality time with my kids. I'm slowing myself down and attaching, with the awareness that the clock is ticking, and it won’t slow down for me..
Oh, and the sand between my toes? Maybe it’s the power of suggestion, but I think I stillI feel it just a little bit.