Highlights: Continued efforts to remind T about maintaining agreements, Jikoji call regarding good news in fundraising and other board topics. Mom's second day of chemo and inner (tamale casserole) at her place afterward. I went all OCD over audio files and tags for the Tesla music collection... old habits die hard.

Insights: How is it already the end of July? I am stunned. The last few days felt like a month alone; that was a fraction of a life span flashing past. I value this journaling practice so much, and it can be humbling and humiliating at the same time to be whining nonstop about weight, peeves, aspirations and procrastinations. Yet, it's a mirror reflecting days passed and wasted on inconsequential circumstances, I still fail at focus and follow-through. Why? Apathy, or fear of success and rejection?

The orbits of my friendships align at times, and occasionally intersect. Such has been the case over the past few days. Paths crossed while visibility spans from the routine to the rare, all appearing together, in transit within their independent perspectives and trajectories. I spent time with Mark, Kelly, Matt P, Matt, John, Marc, Jess, Johnathan, Alex, Gene and Bobbie from Friday to tonight. Alex's story at lunch about an incident just over a year ago, through which he had almost died. It would have been the same day two members of his family, including his father, had died years before. What may have saved him, the takeaway, is to stay in shape. Alex is 74, a friend of Jess's, whom I got to meet and then be part of a recurring lunch for years. He's got a gift of approachability and a connecting sort of demeanor. He's a handsome man that, like David Backs, I would like to have the good fortune to age as well. Only it's not fortune, it's the outcome of effort. It's a choice. And his physical well-being (beyond almost dying and all) is something he works on constantly. "We're all going to die, "he said, "so it's about the quality of our physical condition and capabilities". I feel inspired to refocus on returning to that state of comfort and confidence. Many of these past few years have focused on the comfort side of embracing change. Tim Urban's "calendar" was a wake up call and a stark reminder to get the fuck to work, write the book. Get that rock rolling. Its 9 o’clock at Disneyland. Reinforce, prioritize and go.. It was a good lunch. Gere and Trish are nearby at her son's house/cat sitting. We met them with Matt B. for pizza from "Rainbow Pizza" in Redwood City that Gen picked up on the way down. What was I saying about health? I'm only at one piece and stopped; I will call that a good compromise. I have the rest of the week clear. Outside of mom's chemo trips and subsequent pretzel exposure, I should be able to stay keto. I'll use the opportunity to walk, read and write.

Relax, I told myself. Enjoy a beer. How often do you get to have Stromboli? Matt's having dinner, and that loaf of French Bread will perfectly complement the wine. Did somebody say "Key Lime Pie"? A week of indulgence takes me back to a point where the waistband's less comfortable. Time to refocus. Well, after lunch tomorrow and dinner tomorrow too. Sigh. Moderation isn't my strong suit unless it's my core key conscious focus. I started this week with rebooting habit tracking, and that's good. A few tweaks are needed to stay reminded throughout the day, which will also happen. Dinner tonight with Marc, Jess, Johnathon and Jon at Jon's was excellent. A perfect evening on the patio with wonderful food and a wide range of discussions and dialog amongst a group with probably 70% overlap of experiences and interests makes for a good balance of conversations and sharing of ideas and perspectives. I always walk away grateful for the friendships we have all fostered and all the more so for the fact that our wives have their clique, too. When we start playing bridge weekly it'll be time to invest in neighboring condos at a retirement community.

The morning could be considered routine, yet none truly are when you pay attention. DiMaggio's with Matt, Matt, and Brian was pleasant. I hope we establish a better frequency. The Wrights Station visit with Mr. B. was extended by way of a one-way fire-lane backroad to Mun's. Damned GPS. But, well worth it. Their 2020 Pinot was from the year of the fires and bore a smoky-ash taint that made it a truly unique one-off. A steak dinner on the Patio was the perfect pairing. Lucky walked with me back from Leigh. He's a really good dog, just a handful when excited. As I sit writing on the couch as Linda R belts out "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered", the dogs rest and Jen sits amongst a collection of our shared and individual histories in various forms. I feel gratitude. I feel fortune, fate and even, yes, reward. I relish this sense of success, despite its fluidity. Routine is a choice.

I found the National Gallery Guide I bought in London at my mom's while looking through the books being donated to the library. It may have been a gift I bought for her, because I recall relinquishing my own copy when cleaning out Panorama. I was pleased to find it and I am going to revisit it with appreciation. The Lick Observatory visit tonight was excellent. Good friends and great views of the valley and of the night sky. Many more stars came into view once my eyes adjusted to the darkness off the back patio. I was reminded of the night sky at Pinecrest with Lauren when she was around 14. How clear and dramatically visible the milky way was that night. Tonight was not even close but a significant and dramatic upgrade from the valley floor for sure. It was the first time for John and Kelly and they both seemed to appreciate the opportunity to see it up close, walk the halls, hear the history, and peer through the historical telescope at a cluster whose light took 33,000 years to reach us. Humbling.

“The Wisdom of Stoicism”

This is not why I started journaling daily, but it is absolutely a key component of why I continue to do so.

This week, we explore Stoic ideas and what they tell us about a life well lived.

Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/hidden-brain/id1028908750?i=1000718348806

A toast to homemade jam

Ultimately, they win. 'HE' wins, really, as he's most certainly the antagonist, not Lucky. When he's not been granted access to the sanctum that is the bed, his toenails signal the impending scratching of the bedside in a feigned and futile attempt to get even halfway up, which typically initiates my waking. When he's between us, already a point of contention, the smacking, scratching and nudging stir me from my slumber. Either way, he wins, knowing I'll not ignore him out of fear of encountering urine in the garage 30m later. Thus began my day. I just figured it sounds better than "Scottie got me up at 6". Once up, far from the idealized goal of resetting habits, I got back in bed. Fuck it. Tommy's gone, the beds are warm, so is Jen, and I wanted to milk the opportunity. This was a 'I don't want to leave the house once' day, at least I wanted it to be, and the transgression was a GOBM run where I actually found the Henhouse Stoked Hazy Pale Ale that Jen loved at Harry's last week. Score! We enjoyed them on the patio with some Taco Works chips outta Santa Cruz. You know, maybe I just need to relax into Summer. I just don't want ot relax into 38" sweats, so I gotta do what I can to maintain a threshold. Maybe until September, then go hardcore. She and I discussed possible plans for after August, and we're going to focus on planning/brainstorming, a financial review/projection, and a strategy to stay balanced in that realm. We are comfortable enough that I booked our 'spur of the moment' plans for three months from now (ha) for a day trip to Vegas and "OmegaMart". The whole trip w/be $125/each + food. And we'll have time not to rush. It came together well. Booking was a PITA due to a dead battery issue, complexities surrounding the use of a flight credit and gift card, some technical issues, a reboot, and then a minor conflict with Jen about her middle name being incorrect. Default autofill from prior entries. I was more pissed about the Jen conflict than the tech issues but I got over it. We have our sore spots but not many. The new South Park was an epic, full-on attack against Trump in pure South Park fashion. Can't wait for the next episode!

Passing Thought : Pop Up Yours

Today's internet ads are the "subscription cards" of the '90s

On a good was day, I find myself in this place, of wonder and gratitude for, simply put, that good day. I have some reorienting to do. One does not simply drift to their goals. They navigate towards them, making constant adjustments to stay on course. And whether that goal is to complete a chapter, trim a tree, nurture a relationship or just have a "good day" lies significantly on definition and perspective. In the simplest form, having it end still alive is damn good at this stage of life. Getting up early to drop Tommy at a departure point for a relatively short spur of the moment trip to Barbados is good too. It reinforces support. And as a bonus we get the house to ourselves for a few days. Let the naked sleeping begin! :-). Meeting Lindsey at my mom's and leaving 4 hours later with 36 boxes of reviewed and relinquished books ready for pickup was a major accomplishment and milestone. It gave me a sense of real balance to have Lindsey and I align as we will need to do when mom eventually passes away, which might well be into next year at this rate. She's doing well. Jennifer getting told today that her job is going away is also an opportunity to consider as "good" — we can and have made it through harder challenges. This will allow us to spend some more time together while she looks for something, as will I for 2026. Finishing and posting "Time and Tide" took a lot of effort and I am still making refinements here and there, but the feedback so far has been wonderfully positive and encouraging. I may submit it for publication after I get it fully nailed down. The Roger Waters "This is not a Drill" movie was fantastic. Far more so than I expected. I was and remain stunned at how very deep and personal the lyrics are, from him and his experience, and for me as an insight into a shared ideal of what "humanity" truly entails and warrants. The sound quality and the skilled musicianship blew me away too. The depth of layers within each song… wow. How amazing a skill to write and perform with an outcome so moving and inspiring. Matt hang out awhile after and we will reconnect Sat­urday, hopefully, with Peters x2.

Time and Tide

Throughout most of my twins' adolescence, season passes to various local attractions were my go-to for having places to "go to". Curated destinations capable of supporting recurring and ad-hoc visits within a reasonable distance from our home. Happy Hollow, the San Francisco Zoo, the Discovery Museum, the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, and a handful of other places provided us with years of weekend options and summer entertainment. 

The Monterey Bay Aquarium was a particular favorite, a frequent destination, and the starting point of something extraordinary.

Highlights: Thursday: Bill of Fare breakfast. Madronia visit. Harry's Hofbrau in RWC. Friday: Santa Cruz via  Roaring Camp. Boardwalk wall. Lunch at "Cowboy Bar and Grill". Stanford Theatre for "The Birds". Sat:  Day of Discovery at the Aquarium. Fishermen's Grotto, meeting the son of the founder. Visit by Jess for coffee pickup At Matt B's. Billy Joel documentary part 1. Sunday: Dropped Matt at train. "The Drowsy Chaperone" w/the Priests. "The Bank" afterwards. Allison @ Pano. 

Insights: Densely eventful and rewarding few days. Matt's visit held numerous highlights best encapsulated by the act of sitting in the shade at the grave site of his parents in the same cemetery where my stepmom, stepfather, ex-wife and ex-brother in law are all also buried, as we reflect on our own shared experiences and the passage of time. Tommy's friend visiting Pano brought back memories of my youth, and the gratitude I had as an adult for the environment I was afforded to have guests over.

Passing Thought : Humorless

Him : "Not everything is a joke."
Me : "… I don't get it."

Walking Back The Years

Matt arrived today by train from Sacramento for an extended visit that will last until Sunday. Sure, he disembarked one stop too soon. It's an easy mistake, given that the two consecutive stops both start with "Santa Clara"—no big deal. 

After taking my mom to lunch at Aqui in Cupertino and dropping her off at her house, we parked on Pineville Ave, in front of his childhood home, and we walked to school. Again, and for the first time in forty-six years, after doing so daily over the six prior years of our lives.

Passing Thought - Lessons Lessen

Neither of our egos wants to admit that the other has something to teach us.

Taste test!

I got a lot done today. Coffee roasting, making a month plus of dog food, several other routine household tasks, writing a brief troubleshooting guide for the zen center's network, and more. The highlight has to be the completion of the scuba story. At least as a final draft. I am really proud of that one. Hen and I had a good discussion with Tommy about our expectations while living here rent free and finishing his school year. Nothing is easy, there was a lot of pushback and argument. Being in debt seems to be a big deal for him, more than I believe it should be, but Jen's suggestion of a home loan makes good sense for his situation. He could focus on school over work for the entire year.

I spent my morning at Jikoji, working on the wireless network. The three new access point devices arrived on Sunday, along with an outreach from Pamela stating that the entire site network was down. When I arrived at 8:30 this morning, it was still down. Being unable to access the Starlink connection via the app and account was a strong indicator that the issue was tied to that. A reboot fixed it all. Pamela insisted she had done that already, and it did not work. I set about trying one device as a replacement for the resident building, and it worked exceptionally well. However, as tends to be the case, I hit issues and barriers for the next few hours. I left things better than I found them, yet I still have follow-up tasks to firm things up for optimal performance. Back at home, I set about assorted tasks as follow-ups to the morning activities, as well as personal actions and scheduling of the week ahead. Jen and I loaded up on a slew of stuff from GOBM for the week ahead, too.

Highlights: Tommy was up and out of the house around 5 a.m. to head down for his dive rescue training in Monterey. He made a point of touching base with Lauren before leaving and telling her he loved her. That was sweet. We played SkipBo before heading out on an adventure and dropping her off at the train station. We went to downtown Mountain View. It has changed. It's been converted to support the increased Asian demographic. We had some amazing sponge cake, and there are many places we plan to try. It's weird to be thrilled to have all of the cultural influences we have in our area. However, it's still disorienting to have what I know as a hometown evolve into something different over the decades. Especially when a few pass between times, revisiting old haunts. I can't help but imagine this is an age-related phenomenon. When you live long enough to see things change, you're more aware that they have, well, the 30 or 40 youth years are spent in relative ignorance of the gradual effect of the world on your brief time in it. After dropping Lauren off at the train, we returned home and headed back to the Stanford for a double feature of Psycho and Strangers on a Train. It was only halfway through the movie that Jen shared having never seen it before. She knew the story. But had not seen the film. It was a wonderful experience, and I am thrilled to have had the rare opportunity to sit through a celluloid projection-based screening of psycho in a packed theater of fans and aficionados seated next to somebody experiencing it for the first time—her squeal when Martin Balsam was attacked by. Mrs. Bates at the top of the staircase was genuine and exhilarating. How amazing it is, some 20, some 60 years later, to sit and witness this masterpiece with such appreciation for all of the films I have seen and loved that were somehow touched or inspired by this director's skill, craft, and innovation. Anthony Perkins' portrayal of Norman Bates is Oscar-worthy. And to have a lead character so dramatically excised from the storyline in the first one-third reminded me of such films as Pulp Fiction and 1917, both of which likely owe this art of storytelling to Hitchcock It's also... a fun exercise to imagine seeing this movie for the first time, knowing nothing about it whatsoever, and how significantly and how fresh and new the storytelling and cinematography and even the violence and horror must have been to a generation that had not seen anything like it before. Now we get the same sort of horror in a cat food commercial. Strangers on a Train was equally enjoyable, as was having Velma and Kelly join us for that second feature. It's genuinely in my top five, if not top three. We returned to their home to sit on the patio and enjoy sangria, snacks, and conversation. We're blessed. We got home to find Tommy had Allison over and they were hanging out in the living room. I'm glad he's seemingly reached the point of being comfortable with somebody over at the house. His earlier texts inquiring about our plans for the evening and whether the priests were coming over or not indicated that he had something specific behind his inquiry. This was it. I wanna chill out and let him enjoy his chance to develop a healthy relationship.

Highlights: Leisurely, lazy morning. Great cup of joe, too. LG Cafe stop with Jen and Lauren before taking leftovers (Annamen Row FTW) to my mom's. Fixed her A/C unit after she unintentionally pulled it to a point where the exhaust popped out of the window attachment. Not an easy fix for an 87-year-old with a bad back, but a slam dunk for me. Saw Mark of the Farmer's market earlier, while dropping the car to charge. Lauren and I drove the Tesla in the late afternoon to Santa Cruz, then Pesca daro (snagged artichoke bread), then through La Honda to Alpine, 280, and Aqui to split a margarita. We played cards until Tommy came home. We had a seemingly healthy discussion about not bringing another dog to Pano, privacy, utilities vs rent, and other related topics. Jen returned mid-way and participated too.

Insights: Lauren's visit was needed. She continues to reveal insights into the outlook of such a matter-of-fact person. In a StoZenDao manner. (link). She validates and rewards me with her character as a measurement of a successful life. I flipped through the 21st birthday book a few times today and pulled some Tommy-diving images aside while putting the first draft of a related story to rest until tomorrow. Scottie was quite lethargic this evening. It turns out that an earlier failed attempt to jump up onto the couch has hem likely in pain, moving slowly, and very little. All in all, as stated above, this was a good day for reconnecting with ideals, standing on firmer ground, and the reinforcement of a core ideology or two.

An investment in coffee futures

Highlights: A neighbors car was smashed into while parked overnight by a teenager who claimed they saw a raccoon. Right. Of course they did. And they were going the speed limit with no cell phone in reach too. Uh huh. 25lbs of coffee arrived and is now split and sealed. I avoided getting into a conflict with Tommy over bacon usage. Lauren came to visit until Sunday. Main St burgers with Mark, Olivia and Tommy. I worked further on the "Day of Discovery" story, with good results.

Insights: Lauren was saying again how grateful she is for my presence and efforts throughout their childhood and for the family we have with Jennifer. The recent flash floods in Texas and the deaths of children had an emotional impact on her, in a way that touches on gratitude, impermanence and other mindful insights. She attributes it to autism, yet I can't help but wonder, perhaps hope, that it's evolution.

Highlights: To our great pleasure, the rescued plant appears to be recovering. Jen's thrilled. HYC this AM included Wendy and we ratholed a bit on parenting topics, which wasn't my expectation, but it was insightful. I had a productive morning tackling household maintenance tasks, and got some coffee roasted too. Ran a few errands as well. Cards online included getting updates on Carl and on Bud, who also fell. Those two are overly competitive;-). Aging sucks, and although it beats the alternative, seeing the outcome of lasting past a reasonable warranty and repair option makes me want to have more control over such matters should I make it long enough to be in such a situation. Jen and I took the dogs for a local walk, then she/I went on a nice drive to Campbell, walked around, and just enjoyed the warm evening. The sun's gradually setting earlier now, and we want to make the most of it while we can.

Several days have passed and just as many experiences along with them. Lunch w/Jess at Scratch Cookery and finding the elusive "Security Building" on 1st street, where the "Flying Pig Pub" once opened by Marjorie & Hubby in 1998 IIRC. Regrouping with wives at home until the clock ran out [one of us is permanently on east coast time]. Lots of time w/Jen doing assorted things including visiting my mom, 4th activites w/Schwarz, some quiet time for me solo, another visit w/Jen to Scratch Cookery, and a conversation with Tommy that broke the silence, while revealing some seemingly self-serving tendancies as to entilement and true gratitude. It's hard to always sift fact from ambivilent ambiguity, so it's still not clear what's going on beyond the struggles of maturing and being considerate. That whole "Amygdala" thing. Tires got rotated today, calls re LLS Grants and Stanford Pharmacy addressed, even sold my mom's unused too-big high-rise toilet seat on Craigslist including pickup at her home. On a somber note, Matt B's father, Karl, 95, fell and has had some concerns surface as to recovery, if possible. That family has longevity into these years and beyond, but not far. Will learn more tomorrow.

Phallus Hadriani

Highlights: Dropped ice-cream maker at Maroni's. Met with Rachel at Chase on Foxworthy to add a new Jikoji treasurer to the account. Took Mom to 2nd treatment, which included a delay while being 'rehydrated'. Took her back home with Jen, hung out, laughed, told stories, and heard some for the umpteenth time. The awareness of the limited time is one hell of a perspective adjustment. Closed the evening with Jen on the patio. Another in a limited series of recursively routine days filled with significance, every one of them.

Insights: I want to go away for a month. Somewhere where I don't have to do battle. Depression is whispering "why?". Tommy's behavior, feeling old, tired, worn, useless. Out of energy, out of step, out of shape. Out of sync. My birthday has come and passed, with little fanfare. The only hole in what would have felt reasonable would have been to have had my son at least acknowledge it, and me. Yet day 7 of the latest stonewall campaign has come and gone without his breaking protocol. It speaks volumes. It reveals how so much of his assertions of love and gratitude for all we have done to support him gets disregarded over being held accountable for a serious transgression of boundaries and of respect. This is not the first time, as evidenced by a few years of historical records herein will support. But it needs to be the last. It's down to the survival of my spirit. As I see things going forward, there have to be significant shifts made into how I engage. It would be nice if we could agree to be nice. But his wider view is distorted by his ego and immaturity, of course.

Who Could Ask For More?

While working at Apple almost three decades ago, a colleague previewed a video for me that he'd been working on for some time. This was during the relatively early days of creating your own 'movies' on a home computer. Complex compilations of images, video, and sound had not been so easily producible in the prior years. Hand-crafted efforts like this were far more intimate than much of what is easily auto-generated today, without nearly as much effort, and even less deliberate choices being made.