My standing desk

6: 15 wake up, only this time, instead of feeding dogs, I was "Ino," and therefore, I had to ring the bell at 6:30 and strike the "HAN" at 6:45. then again at 6:52, 6:55 and 6: 57. It brought back memories of seeing Nick doing so, and Amanda, and others that wereearly influences leading me to doing so today. I made an impressive breakfast for Hogan, Ethan, Tom and myself-scrambled eggs with smoked gouda and sour-cream, chipotle-cheddar sausage and Jen's almond-flour and cheese muffins. I then spent the entire day basically "burning down" and rebuilding the network: I was all over the place moving devices and resetting factory defaults in an all out effort to make some much needed improvements. I feel good about where I am leaving things but will likely return soon to finish some additional steps. It's been a good few days but I am looking forward to being home and to seeing my cousin Friday-Monday. I was reflecting on this place last night and thinking about how lucky I am to be a part of it, to the point of being able to connect and have relationships with such interesting people of all kinds. And to be able to stay here as I have been allowed to do so freely. It's a gift and I am very grateful and fortunate. And worthy, too.

This is day 2 at the Zen Center if you don't count Sunday pm as a "day." I have made less progress on finalizing chapter one, but I have completed a good amount of "onsite work" here, and I want to make the most of being here. I was "doshi" this morning and felt good about hitting at least 80% of the routine. I will try tomorrow for 100%. It feels good to be learning this aspect of the rituals. I am not typically a "ritual" guy, but I have come to understand the value of setting aside time each day to revisit your ideology and intentions, to remind yourself what you want to be and how you want to live, and to align your actions with your goals—a daily compass check of sorts. Many Sutras contain timeless wisdom and insight from centuries past. As for highlights of my time, along with the "doshi" role, I slightly improved the wifi with some resets and repositioning. I wantto do more, but I am blocked by the way the underside of the building has no access to the walls to run ethernet efficiently. I have a few other ideas to try tomorrow. It was nice having Hogan onsite. I appreciate his character and will write about him separately. Tom, a visiting priest, was also good to get to know. Tom taught me the doshi process. Michael just ordained him. I ran into Eric Remmington and discussed his history with Jkoji, Mid-Peninsula open space, and Koko the gorilla. It wasfascinating stuff. Loc reached out and I assumed he was rethinking he's asking price for the mini but it turns out he was calling because after the inspection, the next day, it was leaking fluid and smoking! Jesus. Awkward! It was a AAA inspection facility we mutually agreed on in Mountain View at his request, the car never left his hands. and it ran fine after he left. I feel bad and also, sadly, wary of being somehow considered responsible. Yet, had I bought it and had the issues surfaced Sunday, I might have felt duped. Sometimes, trust is challenging. But I rose to the occasion, got him all the contact info and he returned to them about it with seemingly reason­able results. I may arele back Enday and check in on the outcome. Tommy reached out yesterday and we met for lunch at Alice's. I ran back to the house to drop a burger, see Jen and grab a few things for my continued efforts here. We played condemania with Sheila who had simply forgotten to add it to her calendar. I took a short quick hike to the ridge to see the sunset, but my distain for ticks was in full gear. The grass is crazy overgrown there just as it is at the center. The sunset was stellar. I may venture out tomorrow to hit the overlook of hwy 9 if the sky warrants doing so. I am Ino tomorrow which means the 6:30 bell ringing and overseeing things onsite.

Passing Thought: Carton Choices

Dear Dairy Industry,
On behalf of those with attention disorders, please reconsider the size and design similarities between a pint-size carton of Half-n-Half and that of egg whites. Thank you.

We got up early and followed through on the plans made some eight hours earlier. We went to Crema to get out of the house and out of the routine. She worked on setting up her Bullet Journal to start in May, and I worked on a review and revision of Chapter One. It's going well. I aim to have it finished by Wednesday and am well on track to come in early. There is no "done," nor will there be until I have a complete body of work that will be subjected to more than my limited ability to judge. Still, one step at a time… and meeting a goal equates to a step in the right direction. After a couple of cups and an hour or so, we returned home in a meandering manner. We have always loved the seedy, run-down vibe of the Flamingo Motel directly across the street from Crema. It has a classic neon sign and a run-down exterior with a one-way driveway leading past a tiny office before traveling down a narrow corridor of parking spots to the left and 4-up segments of rooms in the two-story building on the right. It looks like something straight out of a Tarantino film. Recycled books is still there, too, yet further along the Alameda, new developments start to appear. Such is and always will be the case. Everything changes; we only witness a brief moment of it happening, yet it did before and will long after we're no longer here to lament it. Ironically, what we see as something being lost was the new thing at some point, replacing a historical spot beloved by a prior generation. Anyway, sorry, rambling man. Jen and I were talking about Anita clearing out the pantry, and I ended up just taking the initiative and doing it. It went quickly, and within an hour, we found several things to give away, discard, or relocate.  We also installed the awning above Tommy's room window- it wasn't easy but Jen helped manage it. It took three return trips to make a few adjustments until I felt proud of my work. It also, hopefully, will be effective. I am ending the day at Jikoji, where I was asked to stay and help cover having someone onsite while the road work is done. I'll be here until Thursday.

Another closure of a personal landmark. Sigh.

Two hours and two hundred forty-six dollars later, I had to back out of the mini-purchase. I am pretty disappointed yet immensely grateful to have had it inspected. The level of detail that AAA put into it was jaw-droppingly detailed. It's an old car, the same as my CRV was, and of course, there are things to be expected, such as oil leaks and general wear and tear. What was concerning, though, was the number of "immediate" needs that would have added up to at least 5k. The unknown source for the "Limp Mose" was likely a fuel pump issue that would run 2k if that was the root issue. Battery corrosion was reminiscent of the CRV's cable issue, and the battery was in its final stages. As were the four times and the windshield, which I was aware of. Maybe I could get it for less as a project, but I have other pressing needs for my time and finances. I assembled the awning I bought to help reduce heat issues for Tommy. I'll be installing it tomorrow with Jen's help. It's big but will hopefully make a significant difference. Jen and I went to Stanford to see Roman Holiday. The place was packed. It's nice to see so many people enjoying the experience it provides. We returned and worked together on trimming the dog's nails by using peanut butter as a distraction. We have work to do, but it was a good start. I roasted beans to take to Tikoji tomorrow evening as I start my 4-night stay. 

Last night, Mark and Wendy came over for Mexican stew, and we had a great evening just catching up and talking. Today was another day with an aggressive focus on tackling lingering tasks. I managed, again, to avoid the time suck of multitasking and instead just put my focus 100 % into whatever I was doing. I cleared a good chunk of clutter in the garage by putting it away or setting it aside to donate. A few things went up on the Facebook marketplace. I tend to use Craigslist more, but I wanted to try. Selling stuff can be a pain coordinating and communicating, but I consider some things worth a few bucks. A desk. A 42" TV. A car bike rack. The garage is now at least 50% cheer again, and with the momentum, I hope to stay on clearing more in small bursts. After getting Francisco's help yesterday with the wiring, I tackled the drip system. Now, it is all fine-tuned for the summer. More effort went into testing the vent in Tommy's room, and the shaded awning is on its way, too. The coup-de-gras was the massive backlog of laundry, all of ours, getting sorted, folded, and put away. That was when I "allowed" myself to multitask by listening to more of the Anne Patchet audiobook. That's another case, audiobooks, where the concept of doing two things simultaneously backfires. I get much more out of reading than trying to listen while doing anything besides the most mundane secondary tasks. Tasks like walking or time on the elliptical or pulling weeds, maybe. The moment I'm distracted by needing to determine if the pot I'm scrubbing is completely clean, or identify a pair of socks as mine his or hers, whatever I'm listening to gets diluted or I get lost. It reminds me of how, as a child living in Pennsylvania at age 10, while reading "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," well before the movie came out, I somehow got distracted and unwittingly jumped over a few chapters. Out of nowhere, these orange midgets come into the story to attend to Veruca Salt while singing songs, and I'm trying to make sense of it with no prior introduction. Plus, where was Agustus? Stopping and going back a few chapters to get back on track was a moment I have always remembered when placing a bookmark between physical pages. Audio content has its place and time, and perhaps so do I. It came up in conversation with Mark and Jon last week how the days of music with lyrics while working are behind us. What changed? I once authored complex Excel workbooks while my ears bled to the sound of American Idiot at full volume, yet now, it's calm instrumental study music or nothing at all.

Highlights: Tuesday: Howes Your Coffee, with a Priest. A sleepless parent canceled appointments, and my day opened up. AAA reached out regarding Lauren's Mini Cooper being in a fender bender and the new owner fleeing the scene. Coffee Roasting. Backyard machinations, including picking up a table from CL that'll likely go to Howes and refilling the hummingbird feeders (after finding that powdered sugar did not dissolve and granules are the way to go). They are back and speaking to us again. Deep cleaning the BBQ. Time on the elliptical. A conflict with Tommy, seemingly needing to argue nuances, when I agreed to find a solution to his room temperature on hot days. Today, I checked the AC vent-fan in the front bedroom to find it not set properly and half-covered. I got it configured, tested, working, and ready for the next hot day. Further backyard cleaning and reorganization, including setting up a quick deploy couch cover to prevent rain and dew issues, successfully positioning the Adirondacks and the cantilever umbrella to ensure shading for the full day, and painting the firepit cover board. I helped mom via phone with a tech issue. Both days have seen a continuation of my ongoing effort to reduce tech's grip in exchange for reading or listening to a book that inspires or informs, or being fully present in whatever I'm doing. It's been a good shift.

Insights: Every once in a while, usually two-thirds of my way into a daily journal entry, as I did last night (twice), I wonder what the point is. Why do any of this? It can and occassionally does feel completely narcissistic and self-absorbed to carve out time each evening to recall and recount the various assorted crap that passed through my day. Someone told me once, it might have been Linda, that I used the word "I" way too much. I think it was her. I don't recall. I know I feel like I ... you get the point. I also think at times that this gets in the way of writing the more pressing stuff, the book or extended focused posts, and then I wonder if it's an avoidance technique disguised as the recounting of waking, feeding the dogs, and meditating. Which I do every fucking day, so... why's that special? Yet this journal, this blog, this daily musing, it's become a resource for recollection as to events like when I sold Lauren's mini, which was needed this week. As for the book.... It's already half here. Having journaled every high and low, every hope and hatred, from the earliest days of the unneceasarily contentious and soul sucking divorce to her diagnosis, the modecom of resolution and redemption, and the aftermath and lingering thoughts that still echo to this day. This journal isn't just about capturing daily experiences; it's about immersing in them, reinforcing them, and recognizing them all. I don't just say, 'I fought with Tommy' or 'had dinner with Jen'; I type out loud the things that resonate about each of the day's experiences. The struggles, fears, and challenges. The lessons, joys, and mostly, gratitude, just to be experiencing life. To be aware of the gift time is, these simple moments are, and the insights that I gain by pausing to notice it all.

I walked to Leigh to get Tommy's car. I'd used a script I found a while ago, before my resolution to stop wasting hours and saving seconds, to calculate the wattage settings needed to get from current to target change percentage at a specific time. The point is to "slow change," which is better for long-term battery health. Anyway, it worked down to £5 min off. It was brisk and crisp walking there at 6:45 a.m. Gloves might have been wise. We are right at that point where each day touches the median between two seasons of extremes. For California, that is. In many ways, We are fortunate, yet I already dread the summer ahead. I had planned to spend a couple of hours at a coffee shop getting back into writing the book, yet several things surfaced, shiny distractions of self-infliction that took me off the path. A stop at Autobahn to get some input on an automotive question, another for a second opinion, and then an unscheduled stop at my mom's to fix the car window that won't open. The motor seems to be barely functional, and the window, once lowered, takes work to get back out. It's a process that's a lot to ask of someone at 87, even though she would likely do well and find ways to improve it. It proved wise to arrive at the SSI office early. The parking lot is minuscule and always full. While heading there, I stopped at the stoplight; I saw one open spot and watched as I waited for the light to turn green, hoping I would get there before anyone else. The light turned, and it was still open as I approached to enter, only to find that a car was coming in from the other entry on the other cross street. As I turned in, they were already in position. No spots. Fair enough; I had time to wait, so I positioned myself, backed in, at the adjacent Goodwill store, where I could watch someone exit the building towards their car. After about 5- 10 minutes, a couple emerged and walked to their car. I drove to the streetlight, to the same entry I had used the first time, only to be blocked from making the right-hand turn by a car I could not squeeze past while a cross-traffic vehicle drove past us, pulled in and took the spot! Now, I had to stop taking chances, so I sat at the edge of the lot, out of the way of the driveway and sidewalk, put on my flashers and waited. A car pulled behind me, and I waved him around, where no spots existed, and he had to exit as I had twice before. Another car pulled behind, and I did the same thing. They went around and exited. A couple came out and walked to their car on my left. I turned off the flashers and on the left-turn signal, signifying I was taking that space. Instead of leaving, they stopped to do something or other in the trunk. Come on! Still, I kept patient while a car approached me from the other direction. My signal had staked my claim; they passed and exited, while a second couple, three people actually, exited the building and got into the car park immediately to the right of the lollygaggers. Ok, fine, I'll take either of them. Another car pulled in behind me, and neither of the two on my left was exiting. I waved them past me just as a single individual exited, walked past my car with its blinking left turn signal, virtually urinating on the two occupied spaces as the car I waved past me followed the latest exiting driver to their car on the right and, with apparent and obvious intent to rub my nose in it, activated their right turn signal. I breathed. I saw the wonderful comic irony in the fiasco and did what anyone else would do. I turned the flashers back on, ready to lay claim to any spot to open next. The right-side parker was inside by now, and the two stationary & occupied cars on my left remained so. Finally, someone walked out and was seemingly heading to my immediate right. I asked if I was blocking his car, and he said yes, but I could take his spot! Just then, a car pulled in behind me, and my flashers were right-hand tom indicators without my hands seeming to leave the steering wheel. I inched forward, and he 'pulled out; I backed in and, while doing so, motioned to the new arrival that the two on the left were leaving, which is exactly what they did. As soon as my car was in pork, both pulled out almost synchronized, as if my waiting for them ceasing was innately their release. Once inside myself, All went reasonably smoothly. Pending the routine approval cycle and our government's stable, rock-solid state, I'll start collecting social security in the summer. It's a weird feeling. It changes a lot about my working future in a way I don't necessarily mind, and in many ways, it feels freeing, yet it still feels substantially transitional. Because it is, it won't prevent me from working. It could impact the benefits depending on where, when, and how much I might earn. It feels comforting to have it begin. To start getting back even a fragment of what I put into it for 40 & years. That I have to worry about it being at risk is obscene. I spent the rest of the evening on the patio after having slightly modified the recent changes that are working well. I could do without the flies.

Morning coffee & 1:1 time with Jen on the patio. Coordination on possible causes of the "HPEP" and a service inspection. Easter at Adu's. The Cer interior got to 131°, and the screen did not come on! Overheated -rebooted it via pressing both scroll wheel buttons at once, and it came back on after a long wait (well, 30 seconds, but nowadays that is long.). We pulled apart, swept and reconfigured the outdoor seating, which a casual hangout visit by Bev and Jen tested. Leftovers were eaten, recent trip stories were shared (making me fondly recall our childhood dog, "calamity"), and wine was poured. Takeaway-next time, they take separate cars, or we take Ben home because she and Jen consistently go into overtime. Jen, Tommy and I had a good chat at the end of the day, and hopefully, we cleared up some of the recent disconnects.

 

Starbucks morning. I saw and discussed and got to briefly drive a Mini Roadster. What a blast. I have such fond memories of driving with Lauren and a few trips to Jikoji. I returned home to prep the backyard further, and it got done well. I did extensive weed pulling and got all of the key spots done. I cleared tables, blew all the dirt, leaves, and dust out, cleaned furniture, and moved the cement planters off the lawn. When it was all done, Jen and I got to revel in what would be a frequently used space. The party was overwhelming — too many people for my limited threshold. I shut down. I also had to deal with requests for one thing or another, managing the dog's incessant barking while crated, Lucky peeing in his bed/crate and having to bathe him, then managingkeeping them away from guests-it was too much. Kelly and her friends, young and self-centered as can be, got drunk, and they took over the latter part of the evening when I felt it really should have focused on Cheryl. It just felt like drama for the sake of drama. 

Passing Thought: Key Bored

The brief "clicking keyboard" sounds between my verbal responses to your digitized inquiry as to the basis of my call is as obsolete as raised numbers on a credit card. Let alone a credit card. You are not fooling anyone.
Call me (Klondike 2–1627) if you have any questions.

Dinosaur in the backyard

Highlights: Courthouse coffee w/Mark and Jen. Jikoji works onsite. Pick up Adirondack chairs. Jon & Cheryl visit to prep for the party. 

Insights: Another day adapting to adopting a new process. A change to managing my daily focus, (somewhat) removed from technology. It's ain't easy. Old habits die hard, and a phone in hand feels like an unlit cigarette in the hand of a firmer smoker or a recovering alcoholic stocking shelves at a liquor store. But I am working daily, if not hourly, to relinquish the hold that gripping a smartphone has on me. I still have it, still use it, and can't imagine not having it for the core necessities of life: connecting with family and friends, taking photos of anything worth keeping for a lifetime or deleting it the minute after its usefulness has expired, and of course having a way to be notified when your table is ready. However, my degree of focus and the number of things I am getting done both seem to have increased as has the lack of accomplishing a wide range of what I now recognize as distractions. Shiny objects. Squirrels. It feels good to consciously close the laptop once the specific need for its use has been achieved. Of course, doing so means resisting the impulse to automate a 30-second task by authoring a shortcut for 90 minutes, and letting go of my desire to know whatever became of the bass player from Flock of Seagulls (rumor is that he ran, he ran so far away, but could not get away)

Highlights: I dropped Tommy at Leigh, feeling continued distance, yet he reached out later and invited me to have breakfast at LG cafe. Note to self: the chicken apple sausage omelet was delicious and a nice change from the usual. I half expected him to use the opportunity to reveal whatever was on his mind, but no. Still, it was something. Perhaps he and I are so similar that his response to what he sees as my being problematic is to pull away. Mom called about being almost out of one of her medications. I needed to go over anyway, to set out the hope chest and dresser for pickup by one of the many cL responders, knowing the success rate to run about 20 % at best. Ironically, they were picked up and crushed onsite in the collection of assorted debris scheduled by Mom on the same day. There's a modest sting of regret felt about the loss of my idealized fantasy that the hope chest I knew all of my childhood, one I fit in as a hiding place before the idea that kids die locked abandoned in refrigerators was ever a thing, would have been lovingly restored by a master craftsman and sold at auction to a collector who would appreciate it almost as much as I have. Yet all that splintered into pieces as the red button on the trash compacting truck simultaneously crushed my hope and the chest in seconds. Yet the memories survive.

 

Highlights: A decent morning meditation and dog walk. Blinds installation in the guest room—Roomba cleaning. Solar-powered fan to the EU changing area as an enhancement to my effort to manage the sun's heat. Weeding in the backyard. Writing (one of my best efforts in quite a while). I perusedsome of Tom Patterson's writings for insight into his character and timeline/history. Listened to Bill Maher and Ann Patchett. 

Insights: I don't want to jinx it by making any premature declaration, by not allowing me sufficient time to have enough ex­perience under my belt to realize the the fit is wrong, but a recent change in my approach to managing my time and attention seems to be making a difference. A good one. Like, my time on the computer is more focused and less, well, just plain less. The things I am putting time against feel more rewarding and decisive. More of a conscious priority. I plan to continue this "practice" and see in another week or two what other goals seem a step or two closer and if the things I let go of in order to move in the direction my greater interests and passions lead me end up being quickly forgotten. Or resolved without me. As most will.

Highlights: Howes your coffee. Inspected the 220 outlet and found nothing wrong-toyed with a few options to address the heat and sun issue and settled on a table and Paula's tile chess board as a foundation. Bought blinds for the guest room, and had three propane tanks refilled. Snagged a great black metal table off facebook marketplace for $10. Tackled getting 4 events (mindful weeding) onto the Ickoji website and scheduled the newsletter for tomorrow. Took Tylenol to my mom whose had sleep issues for four days. Revisited and labeled her meds, hoping that returning to the sheep med as "must take" will help her. Finished watchin "Anselm"- loved it. Finished listening to "the Getaway Car"- loved it, too, and will likely listen again tomorrow, or read it, to further reinforce.

 

The clear colonoscopy was a relief. It's not as if I was there for anything other than a screening, but I have to assume many people who find the have colon cancer do so without anticipating it. The survival rate is high, too, but as one checks in and initials a stream of waivers and releases, a concession to the multitude of risks, it can inspire the trigger wends in the small type to swell and pulse. Cancer. Puncture. Surgery. Missed. Death. All the while, though, with calm awareness and a blood pressure reading of 156 (high), I resigned myself to the lack of control beyond the trust in the medical team. And they were wonderful. exceptional. I want to go back just to banter with them. All was clear and I even scored a "9 "on my BBPS rating. the best possible score! Something seems to be eating at Tommy but I am giving him space while doing what I can to be supportive. It could be the overload of work and school or the idea of moving out at some point (but we did say we want him to graduate and that's another year). Maybe it's something else. He doesn't share alot and I tend to fill in the blanks with all the wrong assumptions. I am learning to not push and more so to not read into anxiety as a push against me. My efforts to shift gears, too/and workflow wise, continued and remain a challenge, but not a doubt. I see a good opportunity to reclaim time. one on that later. I started watching "Anselm" while on the eliptical and it worked well. The movie. is stunning, complex, human, brave, and very "Newhall.". I am looking for­ward to completing it tomorrow.

It's been a consuming few days. Tommy and I butted heads again. It's incredible how quickly escalation can occur and how my approach or his can be similar in instigation and response. It honestly breaks my heart to go through conflict that might bring up childhood issues and subconscious fears. I appreciate that he made an effort to resolve things. I need to let him make his own choices about how much he takes on and not take his limited attention and impulse issues as personal slights. I also recognize that I wrote similar observations last time around. Sigh. Neither of us retains things very long. On another note, Jen and I started the day at Oak Meadow by reviewing the Bullet Journal practice. It's well aligned with my desire to find a better way to focus and remove the distractions of technology. I'm trying it and even did some aggressive housekeeping and mass deletion of reminders, which felt overdue.

Highlights: Mom's 8 AM appointment in RWC necessitated an early departure. I'd told Tommy the night before I'd be leaving at seven and would drop him at his car, but he was in a hurry, so I did and returned to get my stuff. I should know better, across the board, and I had a lengthy rant I'm setting aside, given that I talked it out in a dictated post. The takeaway is simple: Doing for others isn't always worth the expense to my mental health when things like not being able to find what I need when I need it, a well-documented peeve, come into play. I have work to do. I always have and always will, but at least I'm actively doing it. It's just not always as well as I'd like. The time in RWC at Stanford was relaxing and inspiring, too. Listening to "The Getaway Car" by Ann Patchett was twice as inspiring as reading it a couple of months ago and may be the most inspirational thing I've come across on this latest endeavor. Thank you, David Sedaris. I'm going to revisit it frequently. I also found and started working on a piece that came to me in a flood of ideas towards the end of the afternoon. I rode the wave and tackled some deliverables but strongly desired to get out. I'm so glad, too, because it was a chance to share some inspiration and inspire Jen, too, who's been in a rut of her own. We're collaborating on some spring/summer routines and ideas to keep us motivated and focused on various goals. I stopped and sent TGM a message, and we had a good back/forth. He's a mandatory speaker at my funeral, which I say only to indicate his significance to me and how essential our friendship has been even with some 20+ years of significant distance. Same with EF, who I also contacted today and began to plan a visit for the Summer. Good friends surround me, and I have many others scattered around the country and the world. The sunset tonight was breathtaking. I'd taken Jen to the Rose Garden. The sky was luminous in hues of orange and yellow while whisps of clouds crossed the sky like streaks of a painting. The photo doesn't do it justice. They seldom do. Only at the moment can you be as fully engaged and engulfed in something so life-affirming when you're aware of how worthy of focused intention such moments warrant. Paying intention returns great dividends.

Jen'shot (and she took this photo, too ;-)

MLIM - "'round Midnight"

I've always felt a strong connection to music over the decades, as I suspect most of us do, particularly how we each have select moments and memories that frequently align with select notes and chords. I call this series "My Life, In Music", or "MLIM" for short.

My earliest explorations of the works of Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra, I believe in my early 20s, provided me with my first exposure to "The Great American Songbook" and the catalog of classics performed by them and numerous others with Nelson Riddle's orchestral accompaniment. It was sometime later that I purchased the 3-CD "'round Midnight" compilation of the three studio albums Linda Ronstadt recorded with the Nelson Riddle Orchestra from 1983 to 1986. The specifics are unclear regarding what ultimately led to my first hearing of these recordings. I vaguely recall a library copy that I checked out while living on Loma Vista Ave in Los Gatos. It quickly became a lifetime favorite, one of a handful of select recordings and genres that have come in and out of heavy rotation every few years since.

Highlights: Stunning morning. Impromptu breakfast and coffee w/Tommy at Manresa in Los Gatos. Cleaned dining room bulbs after seeing how disgusting they'd gotten over the 1+ year of being installed. I took the stairs at Stanford to the 4th floor because I witnessed an older couple doing so and stepped up (literally) to the challenge. I used to do so in prior work environments, and it's time to resume. No more elevators. Also found it amusing to watch her cram the pieces of an opened and used eyeglass wipe back into the wipe container, recognizing where I got it from.

Insights: It's hard to witness my mom's struggles, both physical and mental. I could tell today she was dramatically off. She struggled with words and thoughts, misremembering names as we talked. She acknowledged it, and through some dialog, it became apparent that she may have taken a medicine she shouldn't have or not taken something she should. Somehow, some of her 'obsolete' medications got mixed up with those she should be taking. I took extra time this evening to sort through and color code them with taped-on sticky notes to match her medication chart, ensuring that she has a cross-reference of whether something is taken daily or as needed. The others are set aside elsewhere. 
I sent a list of all medications to her care team at Stanford for review and alignment. It's painful to see her struggle. As I've mentioned before, she has always been a very bright person, and watching her decline, even momentarily, emphasizes the reality that her abilities are diminishing along with her timeline. It highlights a near-term horizon at which she will need additional help or care. That may or may not be me. 
An added complication is the frustration and conflict I feel regarding her being stuck in a narrative that I believe to be false yet validating. They define her. I also recognize that underneath a degree of bravado, she's afraid. I would be and will be too. Bravado is heriditary.

 

Highlights: Too much time spent at 10 PM anticipating a 6 AM wake time created enough awareness to make returning to sleep at 4:10 and at 5:22 next to impossible. Being up and ready to drop Tommy at Leigh before H. Y. C. kicked off with the introduction of show mugs and ann extension through the summer season. "Good StArt Carlson" was cancelled due to poor ratings and that slot opened up. Reflections on "Tex" and sharing the backstories of Benton and the Pattersons proved inspirational. Taxes were filed and transfers were imitated. Time to start replenishing. A few small tasks for Jikoji before a stop at the Library to renew my digital access and then meet with Brian to hand off a monitor and dive into wide ranging topics as engineer geeks do. Only older and wiser ones, with an eye on optimizing life and living over fear an obsessions. It was a pleasant surprise to have J.S. appear, too. A Costco visit proved valuable in the continuation of positivity and perspectives. Wonderful dinner made by Jen, with Tommy joining, who paid me a seemingly sincere complement  related to my presence and persona of late. I thanked him in return for his own evolution in interactions. Receiving and forwarding the photo from Teri of the China from Tex. Discussing and capturing a huge amount of character backgrounds for the book.

Insights: I am moving towards uncertainties. I just know It.

Highlights: Lauren realized at 7.40 that she had to be at the train station at 8.10, not 8.30. That came early enough to ensure we got her there with 6 minutes to spare. We picked up the weed spray (Thanks, Jess) and ended up going on a mini-drive around and about my childhood, past my schools and assorted spots with all sorts of history and stories. The neighborhood around Holly's childhood home was the most impactful, along with Hyde Middle (formerly Jr High) School, where one of the two images here was taken in the early 70's. It was and is wonderful to have so much history surrounding me and so much of Jennifer's, too. I'm glad we still live here. It's filled with memories, enough so that even the bad ones are good once when looked at with the gratitude of experience. I did some weeding, writing and more weeding. It was a great day for digging in the dirt and pulling up some roots.

In The Weeds

"Four Hours" was a term my brother and I came to despise in our youth. We still cringe at it with an eye roll and smirk of clever recognition. Four hours was the duration of time we were both expected to do yard work every weekend as part of our chore chart. The chore chart that adorned the refrigerator door. A manifestation of my father's military and engineering background, the chore chart was the daily worksheet upon which we would both refer and check off household tasks and duties each day, with the goal of approaching him each Friday evening in exchange for the meager weekly allowance that doing them earned us.

A surprisingly pleasant day, given how difficult family outings have been to coordinate to satisfy everyone and avoid devolving into tensions or divisions of interest. But it all managed to go relatively (pun intended) smoothly. Maybe we have all finally reached a more harmonious balance. We rode the train at Roaring Camp in Felton through the redwoods, had lunch at Old Fisherman's Grotto, and walked around Lovers Point. All of these spots are rich with memories, yet today, we are creating new ones to add to a lifetime's. I know not to expect things to always go this smoothly, but at least I know now that it is possible. We all do. This could be a 'page-turning' point into the next chapters of each of our separate lives.

Walk of Life

Scottie's aging. I can see it more and more. Sure, he has moments, typically around feeding times, where he's energy is high, but most of the time his movement is slow and indicates the pains of decline. The inevitable course of all living things. It's something I feel compelled to acknowledge as I watch while walking parallel, literally and metaphorically, along the same path. He's the same dog that once leapt and spun and barked with vigor and abandon, dramatically slowed, wearing down, less inclined to move beyond the limitations his body gradually imposes. As mine does too. Or should I say, as mind does too? As the past month's efforts to take time on the eliptical and to hike and walk have shown, Activity and movement can improve and reduce much of these natural declines. Meaning we need to walk him more. Are we really that busy or really that lazy? Yes, but no. His quality of life, my own, too, are far better served by prioritizing that over so many other distractions. Including writing this. Time to take a walk.

Highlights: Up, out, up, and seated for morning Zazen with Marko, Carlin and Ethan. Quite a small group, and with a sesshin next week, not a lot on deck for the weekly meeting. I had an awful time with the sit due to allergies. Still it felt good to go even though it took an effort to do so. I had stopped at Madronia on the way back from Jikoji, taking time to revisit some of the notes for the book, photos and assorted moments that help me maintain a healthy perspective and intention in what I write. I returned home with enough time to make it to pickup Lauren at the Train station and back home. She took Tommy and I to Los Gatos Cafe for lunch, and it was a very pleasant experience. They each seem to be in good places. In a text exchange we learned that Francesco was next door and could plant the two trees today. They are in the ground. Now we watch them grow. Lauren and I visited my mom, returned home and lounged awhile before a mountain drive and Phase 10.

Insights: I am tired, and anxious about a good many unknowns on the horizon, yet I have a comfort in my confidence that those who mean so much to me know it as inately as I feel it.

The secret to avoiding paid parking: Timing.

Highlights: 2nd night in guestroom while Jen's cold hopefully concludes. I've stayed clear and avoided exposure rather successfully. I got up extra early to take Tommy to his car and stopped by to Howes my coffee. Grand visions abound. Talked Tex, talked about our aspirations to capture our own stories (for what they are). On the way out to get the meat for dog food prep, I found that the two Palo Verde trees had been delivered. Mom ordered the larger options, much to our surprise. I'm work­ing with Francisco on planting them this weekend or next week. I started the dog food and briefly met with Frank and Peggy before returning to finish it. I don't know right now if this will be a good use of time, as she and my views on the agenda and intention are not aligned. GNO at Urban Plates was good. I handed off coffee to Jess and returned home with a to-go for Jen.

Insight: My attempt to carve out a block of writing time each day is proving difficult. In part because of my restless nature and in part because revisiting so much of the past, in such detail, is difficult. Which may manifest as restlessness.

Decades of history - a personal landmark

Highlights: Another day, another blur. In the moment, some parts can seem to drag on forever, while in hindsight, it's just a blink of an eye. What holds true for life applies to every day of it, too. Tommy and I had coffee at TGB in LG. I'm always on guard as he's likely to feel the same about me. It was a healthy and positive time. At one point, as I listened to his take on a few things and heard a maturity in his voice, the adult became more apparent. Perhaps this change was within himself or my perspective, while most certainly both. I enjoyed the history and memories but had better coffee waiting at home. I managed to roast up Jess's 1lb order (oooooh… my third paying client!), but only after two passes with a prior formula to the second and degree that wasn't the right end result. I dialed it in, and those "off" are perfect for others, just not light enough for this target. I booked our family outing for Saturday – Roaring Camp. I got season passes for Jen and me, as it's something we will certainly do with the pups or other family and friends over the course of the next year. I used initials like G.T. and J.L. Mitchell so we could use them between two of the four of us with ease. Mark finished Tex and shared heartfelt praise, which I forwarded to Steve and felt his sincere appreciation. It's gratifying, inspiring and intimidating all at once. Jen's still recovering from a cold. I've stayed clear,. This is Day 2 in the guest room. I'm not a fan of the idea as a long-term move, although both dogs appear to be campaigning hard. I'm outnumbered and out-charmed.

Insight: Tommy's statement over coffee was brilliantly dualistic. "No alcohol is good for you". He's right in both cases. It isn't, and its absence has been.

I never saw a heart in these before. SMH.

Highlights: It was raining on and off all day in that manner where it's sunny while on almost invisible steady stream of "barely" rain could be made out when looking at just the right angle. I had an attentive meditation and follow-up. Roasted the other ½ of the Cherry Robusta and the "Reserva." I helped out John G. with an April fool joke on Jeff L. I crossed T's and dotted I's with Katie. Keeping up on the elliptical too.

Insight: If I'm not all here, am I making that same observation in parallel from wherever else I am?

Catch! (Nnnnnooooootttt!)