Relatively low-key day. Tommy was at scuba class, Lauren worked all day. I took it easy. Nose is still recovering, itchy, achy and causing me concern. Just about it healing well. Meanwhile I watched "Weight of the World" today on PBS and it's frighteningly inspirational. Lauren's joining. I need to rethink a lot of bad habits. I want to live a far more healthy lifestyle than I have been.

Helping Hands

Having the upper hand is less rewarding than having the helping one.

Slept on the couch last night in an attempt to adhere to the doctor's directions for protecting my nose and graft while it heals. It was ok, but not easy or comfortable. I'm a side sleeper. Going to try tonight to be back in bed with adequate pillows and prop myself up appropriately. The nose still hurts a good deal. It's really uncomfortable to have the left nostril fully plugged let alone the pain of the stitches. I feel like I didn't take things as easy as I should. I'll make a more aggressive effort tomorrow. The last thing I want to endure is finding out the graft didn't take and go through that again. Ugh. I'm already praying that the removal of the stitches won't require shots. I had yet another argument with Tommy and really let him know how I felt about his rude offensive and impolite treatment of me and of his sister too. I went to panorama, ran the Pilot a bit, cleared out dead flowers and watered plants. The dead roses on the table behind the couch felt representative of the state of this whole situation. And like foreshadowing too. I met Bonnie at radiation and surprised Linda by taking her back to SRC. We had a good talk on the way. It's rewarding to be able to do so with more honestly than before, yet the sad truth of the limited time she has is an awful reminder of the opportunities lost to have lived a far more optimistic and positive life. Jennifer was very considerate all day about my taking it easy and getting the needed rest. Lauren received the updated vision declaration from Dr Chin so we ran by the DMV before her shift and she got her permit. Jen made a great Salmon dinner. I got Lauren from work and took her to see her mom for a visit then returned and we enjoyed an evening walk, Station 19 and a late night snack that Tommy brought after having attended his scuba class. He's in that both days this weekend and Lauren's working all day tomorrow. That'll be a full day of much rest.

I'm paying a price for procrastination. The "Mohs" surgery started with the Dr letting me know this was a problematic place and type. The shots of painkiller were excruciating and felt like they were going straight through my nose. I later reflected on how surgery might have been before anesthetic. And how in another 100 years, what is the 'Gold standard" today will be considered barbaric in hindsight. The people in the waiting room are all nice, all seem in my same age range or older. I met and befriend Margie and Rick, Los Gatos residence of 35 years. I have so much to be grateful for including that I'm even able to get this done. It's just not fun, but it's also nothing even in the ballpark of terminal brain cancer. I find myself returning to that as a reality check, constantly. I've experienced neck surgery and Guillain–Barré so I can handle this. I'll spare you all the details and the painfully graphic photo, but, the "excavation" of the cancer on my nose is complete. I honestly had no idea how very sensitive the nose is to needles. I'll be in bandages for the next week before getting them off and the stitches removed. This was more intense than I'd anticipated going into it but I'm also aware that in a week it'll be history. Assuming I can ensure I care for things properly. It seems pretty cut and dry. I got lots of love and support from Jen and Lauren. Linda was asking about my status as were Kelly and Golida too. Turns out they both have had similar Mohs procedures as has Jon F too. I watched a couple of documentaries tonight about cancer, The FDA, Big Pharma and ties between chemical and medical companies. It's infuriating to consider how, in a grim and inhumane sense, profits matter more than cures and lives.

Work went reasonably well. I'm meeting tomorrow with Marlin to sync up on tasks and objectives, at my request. I feel like there's gotta be more that I can do than I'm doing and doing more would pull me into some much-needed distractions. Had a nice night w/Jen, we had a chance to get some face-face time and reconnect after a week or so of relative routine distance. It's important to me to have balance throughout this time and she's so understanding and supportive. Tommy was pretty much the same today. Why he's so mad at me can only be because I'm not making things easier for him. I can't. It's that simple. Watched S1E1 of SOLOS. Anne Hathaway is really great in it. I liked her better in that Modern Love episode but this was still awesome acting. And a powerful message too. The takeaway being that every day being like a year with somebody dying is a good thing, beause those years will be lost in a matter of days. The choices I've made are feeding the choices I'm making. That's something I'll likely write about more elsewhere. Oh and the day started with such a great moment…. Tim Dean in our scrum. That meant a lot to me, it really brought back a sense of lost connections and times gone by that remain of value to those that lived them. It's rewarding.

Lauren worked a full day again today. Dropped her after an early run to Costco to get some food for the event at Satori. So her and Tommy's 9am breakfast was pizza. Whatever. Got what we needed, dropped her at Vasona and returned to Matson. Tommy came and was sullen. Still. About the hardship of having to fund his car repair and activities. How these kids got so entitled is, well, another story. Just like how they became such pigs about their rooms. Whatever, again. Matt B came by in new hybrid CRV. Nice ride. Good time w/Matt at Susie's farewell. Amazing that we're still in touch after so many many years. Hoping to get more face time before they go to Idaho. Feels like everybody's leaving. Makes me sad. But we'll leave too and would tomorrow if circumstances allowed us to do so. Got Lauren and took her to see her mom. Tommy passed on going with me but ended up being there when we arrived. His sullen attitude was saddening. She's dying and he's self focused. It's hard. Her memory issues seem to be returning, a bit. And headaches continue too. Not good signs. Stark reminders of the prognosis and probabilities. Enjoyed the day w/Jen and evening too. Blew my focus on dieting but returning tomorrow to the fasting effort. Pretty much giving up on the goal for 60th and just going to try my best to get there asap and during the 60th year. So tired of whining and bitching about something I have full control over but don't exercise it. Lame.\

Matt came down Friday afternoon and we made some local rounds including Kirks, Streetlight, as well as Madronia. It was surreal to stand at Tom P's grave sight and know that not only Jay's in there but Linda w/be next to them in likely a year or less. I'm trying to be optimistic and realistic which as mentioned before, is not an easy task. Visited w/her Friday am before Matt arrived. It was the most honest and direct conversation we've had in months. Admissions, apologies, aspirations and assumptions were all on the table. It was a positive step. Had a tough night w/Tommy earlier this week and we ended up having a family discussion of sorts with him. Since then old habits returned. It's straining and draining to work through but I'm going to keep trying. Stromboli with Mattx3 on Friday PM was great but it was 'tailgate' and it made things feel rushed. Fortunately we're going to Matt's event at Satori tomorrow so we'll see how that goes, it should be great. Jen's at Vanessa's for a party there, I'm hanging on the patio in the cool but bearable evening. Lauren worked a full shift today, will tomorrow and next Saturday too. We all three (Tommy, Lauren and I) visited his mom after getting Lauren at Vasona. That was good but Tommy was in a grumpy mood about his car, which he learned will now cost $500 more than he'd have paid had her fixed it as he was told to do. Life sessions are under way.

A Moment In Time

This is the 21st minute of the 21st hour of the 21st day of the 21st week of the 21st year of the 21st century.

Decent day. AM rise, early, and irritated within 15min because I set myself up with a time limit, polluted the attempt to mediation and start off on a good food, and then got pissy about the fact that if you take the 1st cup or two out of the coffee maker you get espresso and the next person gets Denny's watered down java. It's true but it's nit picky as fuck. Got Lauren to DMV, waited with her, accompanied and pulled some rabbits out of hats as we worked around the 2-document proof of residency. She passed written but there's a minor snag in the medical vision statement meeting resolution. We'll have to return but that's fine we're running ahead of a few parallel dependancies as it stands. Mission 95% accomplished. More steps to follow. During 1pm work call the dermotoligst called and I took it. BOTH problem areas biopsy came back Basal Cell and are 99-100% treatable with MORS procedure. Scheduling to follow. Lauren's relieve and Tommy asked about it a couple of times too. I guess that was just too close a call for them. I get it. I reassured them but that's talk, while medical results back it up. I'm happy. Oddly disappointed in that like Guilame Barre, I want some constant reminder of mortality. You'd think I have it. I guess I do, and should be looking there instead of inward. Jen's 2nd dose tonight, she's starting to feel modest effects. We're doing well and there's such a love and bond between us. It's so natural and easy I almost never write about it. It's just innately there, like the ground beneath me and the air I breathe. It's hard to imagine a time when we might have to part, and one of our passings. Mortality sucks. Tonight was cards night. I regret not going to see Steve and Diana sooner. A trip would do us good. I should do it sooner than later. I love seeing Sheila and Carl. They're so vibrant, always have been, and I hope we have that too.

Age'd Out

Anthem, by default, auto-selected "Geriatics" for my search when looking for a new Primary Care physician. WTF?! Seriously?

Last night I was so pissed off at Tommy, Jen was too, so much so that we spent the night and morning walk talking about moving and other options. That's pretty significant. I was L I V I D and didn't sleep because I felt the anger about my life and happiness being significantly compromised just trying to manage the respect issues. We woke, I was still upset about it after our dog walk and we ended up talking to Lauren and then pulled Tommy in and had a reasonably calm and honest dialog. I hope it helped. Military school's not something I'm a fan of. Dropped and broke a round ikea food container with an uncooked scrambled egg in it. Not a fun cleanup and OMFG do I have issues with broken glass. I went to my dermatology appointment. Dr Lee seemed so young. But I'm so old. He removed the two moles of concern and felt that one from the left nostril was Squamous and the left sideburn one was Basal. Both are moderate, common and not serious if caught early. I guess I'll know more in about 1-2 weeks. I guess this is what 60 is gonna look like. I took Tommy with me to the radiation appt and we drove her back to SRC. The appointment included a Dr visit so it ran long. It's so weird to me how I'm grateful to have an opportunity to be supportive to somebody that had strong distain for me. But if her world view and experience, I warranted it and she felt betrayed. Feelings are hard to ignore. But if this is really happening, I know I'm doing the right thing for her and myself to be present. When more of this becomes known I'm anticipating a dramatic turn and more direct dialogs. Hopefully. Jen's work day was long and Lauren kindly made us enchiladas. She's worried about my coughing, I don't see it as so different but then again I didn't really catch the mole issue earlier either so maybe I'll listen to her a bit more. She's damned smart. She's going to 'squat' at the DMV tomorrow to try and get her permit issued. I think she now has all she needs after deftly recalling that the birth certificates were in the back of the pilot due to her mom's concerns about fires a few years back. It's incredible she remembered. I'll drop her and squat at Starbucks nearby for my meetings if tables are available. Handmaid's Tale was really well produced. I have been 'meh'' on the show but the intensity of the emotions, situations and interactions between the characters was richly human.

Onto something w/the gluten removal. Feeling positive effects. Lauren and I walked Abbey and Lucy this am, for about 2.5miles down to Leigh, up and back through the neighborhood, through 'rock park', and back. Great walk, great company. So weird to see Holmberg house abandoned. Wonder how others feel about Pano's vacancy. All is in limbo. Lauren and I visited her and I caught some signs of deeper anxiety and worry. I can't imagine knowing you're talking to children and friends that you won't live to see for much longer. It is still very very hard to process all of this. Jen and I want to a gathering w/mom, Marissa, Nigel, and Lindsey. We brought wine and food and had a good time visiting. I would like to see these happening more while we can all be there. Jennifer is so amazingly flexible and happy to be part of it all and I am so glad she is too. Scottie came along. Tommy stayed home because the Audi won't start.

Visited Mark 'n Wendy Friday PM, Jon & Cheryl Sat. Two welcomed breaks from the otherwise numbingly captivating aspects of seclusion and isolation. Enjoyed both. It's refreshing to have an opportunity to talk 'deep' with people. The aspect of Linda's and hte Kids's relative situations and experiences have opened opportunities for discussions I'd not have had before. Plus, wood fired pizza, Mitchella GSM & M.R. BYO Bordeaux, tri tip, brussels, Rioja and Liberty School, and "SOMM" all came into play. Visit with Linda was good, positive. Met Mike, seems like a nice genuine guy, my age but looks 40. I'm jealous. I should have spent the last 20 doing daily exercises. Tommy went to dinner w/Eric and Karl, Lauren and Degan hit Black Angus and clearly had a great time too. Coordinating w/KD on Pano food costs/budget and management. Optimistic we have some ways to simplify things. 

Comast issues at Pano resolved, the slower speeds were due to the use of 2.4 over 5g. I felt stupid. Took Lauren for follow up w/Chin and she took a more active approach in determining the right option for her driving glasses. Tommy was back and forth as usual. Lauren and I dropped some supplies off to her mom in SRC before returing to Matson for some great pork chops. Made a late night Costco run too.

"I am trying, Ringo… I'm trying really hard to be the shepherd.". I"ve had a hard time maintaining my composure today, as I've had one of those clusterf**k days of endless complications trying to manage multiple demands at once, including work fires, internet outages at Panorama, and more. I took Lauren to see Linda late afternoon, then to Panorama to drop some things off and home. I"m burning out. I'd love a week or two just getting some mental space. That's not gonna happen. I'm going to try to reclaim some space by returning to some routines that worked well for me prior.

Elemental

Is it possible to be out of one's element while not knowing what one's element is? I'm thinking it is.

Time at my mom's was great. She's doing better and made some great salads. Jen came, we had good talks with Lindsey and Ryan all around. I really appreciate her genuine nature. Barring one irritated call, the kids managed to pull the whole Aqui dinner thing off with their mom, without my having to facilitated. That felt like a big step. It's really not, but it just feels like it. They're doing things on their own and I'm out of the way. That feels important, with what's going on. Pulled down and rooted out my old Christmas ornaments. Found the Angel, which I've been looking for for 20+ years. They were in a box, a box I'd long forgotten about, put in her garage rafters by me at a point in my life where I had little or no room or need of them. We also found all sorts of my mom's hand-crafted ornaments. So many, and so rich with memories. Jen and I and Lindsey and Marissa w/huddle next weekend to go through them. I'm proud that I said we had to arrange to FaceTime David too, as he should be included, and will. 

Bird vs Window - wingspan & close up...

Mother's Day. Likely the last they'll have with their mom. Lauren's fully invested her morning and will return after work too Kids and I took her breakfast, Lauren and I ordered and picked it up and Tommy was there when we arrived. We ate, Tommy took off. I stuck around and organized and cleaned a bit, and left Lauren to hang until we pick her up at 1.30 for work. Letting her and Tommy manage Aqui dinner plans. This all remains surreal. I sorta let my feeling show w/Kathy D in a text about the absurdity of the presumptions and character attacks prior to this while it's all been one sided. I'm trying to stay focused on what matters to me, being my kids and compassion for her. There isn't a long road ahead, but it's going to be a rough journey. Friday night, Tommy overfilled his Audi w/oil and I tried to advise and help, was shut down promptly, yet the tow truck driver and friend of his somehow got him to do exactly what I said. Timeless. Left him to manage it. He's been staying at Pano more including overnight. I'm glad. It gives him space and a chance to feel what independent living is. Lauren told me last night that she might strive to travel abroad after high school, and that if her mom passes away she knows she can without my 'needing her' the way she has. I would be happy to see that happen for her. Jen and I had a good deep talk about the Linda situation and she voiced some concerns about it all. I defended at first but listened and processed, echoed and considered her feelings. I know this is strange. She's been supportive but it's hard. I get that.She's protecting and defending me from the fact that Linda's friends and family have had me painted as a bad person when Im not. Yes I made choices for my own happiness and well being that did not including staying in a unhealthy situation, but that's all. And if they choose to characterize me as anything else that's their problem. We are going to visit my mom this afternoon. She's seemingly recovered from her earlier issues but I'll learn more later.

Got mad at Tommy when he came In smelling awful and sat by Jen while she was clearly on a work video call. Apologized after, explaining that the stress was bad enough and I love him and want him around, just with far more consideration of others. That comes with age and experience ... and our respective positions on what constitutes consideration can be misaligned. Mom reached out for help due to continuing sleep issues and digestive problems. No issues found. She's trying Melatonin and GasX tonight to see if helps while she pursues a gastroenterologist appointment. I sorta would like to ask that medical drama be constrained to one-at-a-time, please. Driving home this dark blue van, all beat up, ran three stoplights, myself being one. Who knows how many before me? Scary!

Kernel Panic

Jen's changed the dogs homemade food recipe. And because of this I've been wondering what the point of eating corn is, since it passes through their and our systems undigested. It turns out that corn is on lists of 'worst foods' for your body/health. Yet... it's also pretty much the dominant ingredient in anything processed. WTF? (And yes, this is another "passing" thought).

Major milestone accomplished - green light for Lauren to drive. Special glasses to be ordered next week once we determine the best option. I was on duty today for radiation, barely made it on time but did, just cut it too close due to parallel effort to get wifi router and modem for Panorama. Setup and running, seems all good but I have to double check tomorrow. Noticed a few concerning things of concern. I think my routine exposure to things has diluted my recognition of the dramatic impacts, while also revealing some subtle changes in both good and concerning ways. Leaving it at that for now. Enjoyed some patio time w/Jen who's burning out at work and I want to take on more home tasks if I can. We have a lot going on.

I'm working to setup wifi again at Panorama. The goal is to enable the kids and/or myself to go their freely and work or be in school online. I want more presence there again. I want porch-pirates thwarted and possible casing-efforts abated. I loaded the fridge and pantry w/food options. I moved the Pilot so there's room for a 2nd car. And I'll likely start working once a week for a few hours trying to thin out some of the contents. Got some nice praise and recognition for some of my efforts to assist. It's weird how decades of process and project management become something you just assume anybody would inherently know, but that's not the case. The coordination for the radiation helping went well, with a couple of snags to be resolved but nothing major. Almost got involved but didn't. I let things play out. Well, they played out while I was considering engaging. I need to maintain a balanced work/life/ex-wife/current wife balance. :-D. Reached out to Marissa to see what the plans might be for them to come down. Jeri's indicated she'll be out in June, which is really great. I looked at opiotns to attend her mom's memorial on 7/3 but the timing just doesn't work. Every day I try to start the day with a goal in mind, but the routine chaos is not only consuming it's also somewhat addictive. I really want a full week with absolution nothing expected of me but could I actually handle that? It's gonna be a hot few days, so I might try to get an evening bike ride in for old times sake.

Somebody to me: "We will all be dead before we know it."

My inner voice: "Can it ever be otherwise…?"

I sometimes wonder if I just encounter more frustrations than anybody else does, if I over-react to what we all face without knowing my experiences are not extreme, or that I just can't handle things others let easily roll off their backs. Take my recent sparing with both Comcast and ATT fiber issues. Both instances felt like stumbling through a smoke filled house of mirrors with trap doors and swinging hammers. I eventually got through both but OMFG how does the average person navigate these mine fields. All that said and done, had a great dinner last night at La Foret. Amazing, actually. Really phenomenal. What a treat. I managed to take control of and put some sanity into the scheduling of help for Linda's radiation appointments. Jen and I got some good housework done today, just keeping up w/the chaos. Enjoyed a relatively calm afternoon and evening.

For the first time in my life, the person I see in the mirror looks their age.

Not good.