Dropped Vinny at home and Tommy asked to be dropped at Pano and to spend time with his mom. I was surprised and hopeful that it was a step in the right direction. I dropped him, returned to Matson and worked with Lauren to make a wonderful Strada while Jen went shopping with Cindy M. However, Tommy returned as Jen was leaving which likely caused some upset on his mom's part. That sucked because I would prefer their time have been positive throughout. I spent the am wrestling with the internet speed issues at home. It really brought me down. I'm tired of wrestling with tech. It's maddening and I just wish it were not such that it necessitated constant oversight and maintenance. I may pursue other options soon. Lauren worked the afternoon and after picking her up, I dropped Tommy at Carls and we hung out at home. I fear my moods, frustrations and such, wear thin on them at times. Tommy called me bipolar which isn't true (afaik) but shows how hard it might be to gauge my potential demeanor. I think the uncertainting of everything right now is just wearing me down. I need to reclaim some routines, and work on "atomic habit' changes to keep my focus on both priorities and relative importance of inconveniences.

Enjoyed a day of PTO today. Dropped T at LGSR. I was pissed as hell at him last night but I don't what that impacting what I consider a healthy focus and activity. Lauren came with me to pick him up and dropped her at Pano. Went to Philz and read/wrote a bit. Picked up a bottle of Uncle Nearest on sale at BevMo just so I have a backup. Good stuff. I continue to vacillate between accepting that booze is just plain bad vs really enjoying the experience of a nice glass of whiskey. It's more of a ritual, I think, than a need. I definitely have a strong desire to return to a healthy EOY goal but daily routines introduce too many temptations. I have lost my footing on that path and need to regain focus and direction. I'll start again tomorrow w/the keto focus and 10/2/6 meals. I'm tempted to return to the more aggressive path from 9 years ago. Maybe. It was pretty strict but also effective and maintained for at least 2+ years. I'm constantly going with the moment then regretting it at the end of the day. Sigh. :-/. Played Rummikub w/Jen and Lauren. Vinnie's here w/Tommy overnight.

Nothing confirms how people gravitate to like minds and validation than sitting in a coffee shop and listening to conversations going on around you. Multiple people around me are discussing work and personal lives and in each case, it's about venting and confirming people's positions and opinions. Nobody seems to say 'wait, I think you're wrong'. This is our culture.

Took Tommy to LGSR and practically fell asleep at Panera. Listened to some good podcasts and enjoyed the focus my efforts to reduce content and focus on a few key daily starters. My patience with him is wearing thin, though. I took him for a haircut at lunch and he hijacked me in order to see his mom but he said she eschewed his attempt at a hug because she was on the phone. I took him to practice and when I picked him up he said he'd go make nice but it turns out he was anticipating a package there, which was the reason for going. I took him driving to Nike and supported his purchases, took him to Una Mas, and he was just being a jerk. Lauren was with us and maybe that's a factor? I don't know. The constant negative responses, criticism, and such just emphasize what a fucked up job I/we did with him. Entitled and arrogant, he considers himself a pier and pushes boundaries constantly. It's infuriating. It's taken all I have to try to not react and it builds up and explodes in fury. I won't live long enough to hear him apologize or even acknowledge how unreasonable his behavior has been. He's living here with little or no constraints beyond our asking for water and food conservation, and he acts like it's unreasonable. I guess this is 'typical' with teenage males. I would not know. I watched my father and older brother go through similar situations. It's overwhelming and disheartening and I am, once again, feeling like I'm bound while being lowered into water over my head. I am emotionally thrashing, trying to manage the situation. I resent that while all this has been done for him, to help him get out of the situation he was in, he's bringing that argumentative dynamic with him. Things were going ok and I thought this was working for him until tonight.. I need a break. I need an outlet. The podcasts and mediation are not enough, drinking/drugs only mask the problem, and talking doesn't work.

I caught a bit of an Oprah interview today with Matthew McConaughey and his "greenlights" book. He has decades of journals to reference, and that made me wish I'd been doing this longer. I do have the blogs, but the daily moments really flesh out the details of a life far more than the sporadic rants and ravings. It did inspire me, all the same. I need to, again, revisit the ROI on efforts and attention. I have found so many fascinating books and articles to read about current events, politics, conspiracy theories, cinema and so many other interests. But I want to focus on only what will move me forward now. I could become the premier expert on something like gerrymandering or dark money but In the end, what'll I do with that for the next 5, 10, 20 years? Little if anything. If I had all the time in the world I'd chase after effecting changes in many of this areas but that's not my true passion. So, I'm clearing the slate and backlog of content and focusing on a few key areas. Daily mediations and introspective content, my career goals and paths, being present with the kids, being connected with Jen, and writing more in what little spare time remains at the end of any given day. The rest of it will have to wait indefinitely. I want to live as much in the moment, and invest my time in strategic areas that will benefit me as much as possible in the remaining time I have.

Enjoyed the morning with Lauren while Tommy and Caden were at the gym. Bothers me to have had to drop her vs letting her return with us. I guess there might be some rationale for this, but I presume more often that it's about control, and complete distain for us and any influence we have on the kids. I just don't get it, I never will, but … I dropped Lauren off at 8. I made a quick Savers run between dropping Tommy at Leigh and retrieving him. Bacon-wrapped pork loin (Costco) for dinner… awesome! GNO was well attended and fun as always. Tried out Tommy's star-nebula projector… very cool but a bit noisy so, it's back in his room.

Decent night's sleep for a change. Far from perfect, yes. Decent is a spot on word in this case. Decent work day. Good meetings. Feeling a bit of optimism for the rest of the year, but Q1 remain a worry. Picked up Tommy from LGSR after Jen dropped him. He repeated the goal of all "A's". I'm curious what's behind this, as far as the sudden interest. But I'm all about encouraging this specific path, regardless of why. Simple night: Costco run, then I made my Keto Eggnog. Came out good. It's less Eggnog and more "Horchata" but it's still delicious. Continued listening to "The Triumph of Doubt" and it's incredible and terrifying all at the same time. How many generations will need to learn and fight this before it's gone, if ever? I am really interested in this topic yet I keep wondering if I could go all "conspiracy theory' from here. Is this level of perceived exposure and enlightenment a pathway to believing anything? This book is well documented and the author has significant experience and insight. Or is that what they want me to think?!?!? ;-)

Attempted to walk the dog to the Big E Cafe, but bailed at the LDS church 'cause he went into "shopping cart lock mode" and would not budget. Don't quite understand WTF his damage is, but it certainly exists. DRUG us back to the neighborhood at which point, he returned to a relaxed state. SO we took the car to the Big E Cafe instead. With him along. Still don't find it to be "the place I want' for local coffee. I wish Crema was closer. Returned, Lauren got dropped and we opted to spend the day "meandering" about. We stopped at the former Surplus store at Bascom/Campbell, now an antique shop, and it's awesome. Just filled with so much fascinating stuff. If I were into having stuff I'd go nuts but I'm not, which works to my benefit, yet it was still big fun to peruse. Did the same on San Carlos, then on a whim, had a late lunch at Original Joes. Man oh man it's been a LONG time, some 30+ years easily, and it was wonderful to be there again. The ambiance and decor and style are just wonderful, as was the food. It was a treat for Lauren. We have decided that since Tommy's with us 24x7 but she's not, she is the focus of our weekend day together. Listen to some "H.E.R." after watching the SNL w/Adele, and a bit of Jimmy Scott too. Tommy spent time at Caden's and he's talking about targeting grade improvements as his next personal goal. I'd be behind that. I think it'd be wonderful. I'm trying to focus more on reading and trying to get more inspiration to take my own to a more consistent level than just this nightly summary. 

Another day filled with all sorts of things to learn from. Slept in and although I have planned to do something with Tommy, I felt frustrated that my day might be filled running errands while what I really wanted to do was just relax, read, and mentally drift. He/I went to get his card from pano and breakfast at bagel basket. He caught onto my undertone of irritation and, to his credit, maturely called out out, expressed his own sense of being caged for the past two days and even acknowledged his own contributions to my irritation. It took some back/forth but was quickly validated both ways and off we went into the day. He bought a huge beanbag chair for his room, and a boosted board, and he is fully settling into his room at Matson. I'm happy he's feeling good while still want him to embrace his mom more. Maybe that'll come in November. We pulled the plug on the Minnesota trip. I just don't consider the risks worth the small chance anything would go wrong. We'll reschedule for May 2021. We got the good news late-afternoon that Jen's Covid test was negative. Whew. Definitely a close call and a wake up call, too. Time to be more aggressive. He spent the afternoon and evening with friends from the neighborhood, which I know he really enjoys. I opt'd to put on some Chet Baker in the living room, turned on the fireplace candles and turned off the TV so I could just mentally drift and read. I guess everything worked out ok after all.

Chasin' Wild Horses

"It's easy to lose yourself, or never find yourself. The older you get, the heavier that baggage becomes, that you haven't sorted through. So, you pay the price. And the older you get, the higher that prices is. But in the past, putting yourself on the line, putting your heart on the line, has bred nothing but pain and failure. So, you run. I've done a lot of that kind of running. You lose control of your desires, your appetites, your temper, and you reap what you sow. You run… until you've left everything that you loved and loves you, behind."

• Bruce Springsteen, vocal intro to "Chasin' Wild Horses" in the "Western Stars" film.

"It's easy to lose yourself, or never find yourself. The older you get, the heavier that baggage becomes, that you haven't sorted through. So, you pay the price. And the older you get, the higher that prices is. But in the past, putting yourself on the line, putting your heart on the line, has bred nothing but pain and failure. So, you run. I've done a lot of that kind of running. You lose control of your desires, your appetites, your temper, and you reap what you sow. You run… until you've left everything that you loved and loves you, behind."

• Bruce Springsteen, vocal intro to "Chasin' Wild Horses" in the "Western Stars" film.

Some days feel devoid of any noteworthy incidents, but not today. I made a meh-effort to return to meditation after a week or so of absence. It wasn't perfect but it was enough and I'll return for more tomorrow. I appreciate the nature of being present and loose it all to quickly to the forces of the average day. Today was a busy one. Listened to the entire "Letter to You" Springsteen release, and it's good. But the marketing of it's pretty aggressive and bordering on overkill. Still, good stuff and certainly worth returning to. Tommy ordered he and I Philz and then he got all cranked up on the caffeine which made him distracted and distracting. He's still not engaging in school enough and for fuck's sake, what does it take? He's not driven for at least a week or more and seems to not care about that. It's so hard letting go of the false believe the I can somehow force him, let alone make him recognize the value and purpose behind the effort. I had a myriad of plates spinning on sticks for most of the day and he got on my nerves about buying an iPhone or just sitting 'in my space' so I asked him to just go away, present I'm in an office, not at home. I washed and ran Lauren's Vasona staff shirt to her [both] so she had it for the afternoon. Later, I took Tommy by Panorama to see his mom. Another case of being unable to get through to him. It's really hard to see and hear him lamenting being there and I wanted him out of there for his and her benefit, but it's surely being seen as a covert attempt at alienation, which it's not. I want him home with her. We rant to target for some home-goods then drove about but I wasn't feeling too hot. Not Covid (I don't think) but indigestion from the left over Gyro. I hope. Jen s/be getting test results tomorrow. We made the hard decision to delay our Minnesota trip. I hate doing so but with this 'close call' (TBD) and the spikes and warnings and such, it's just not smart. Not when I can't feel like I'm potentially bringing or spreading something that can risk the health of those I encounter. Not good. Tommy ended up moving his room around and it brought back memories of doing the same at his age in my mom's house. I loved switching things up like that. Changing patterns and environments wakes you up again, for awhile, until it's routine again. Returned w/Tommy to find Jen starting "King of Staten Island" and watched with her. That was a lot better than I had expected. Very genuine and touching, really. Right after that I noticed that "On The Rocks" was available on AppleTV and I really REALLY enjoyed that one. Simply from the perspective of characters and dialog, and story line too. I'm watching things of late with a writers eye. My exposure to Dean's screenplay has me paying attention to these things and the dialog in both felt genuine and real. I want to convey that to Dean. I may do that right now.

My God, having functional working internet today is as important to daily life and routine and electricity and refrigeration are. Seriously. So damned much is dependent on the internet now. Everything is tied to being online. Work, news, audio, video, radio. It's all tied to a functional internet connection. Which if you can't tell, I'm having major issues with today. It's infuriating as it could be external, the modem or any other range of issues. It's allo aggravating to have to 'own' fixing it in a house full of people who complain to you about it. Yeah I'm in a shitty mood. I'm posting this linked to my iPhone because something's fucked up and I don't want to take it on at 11pm. No, restarting the modem didn't help but thanks for that advice. Also, Jen was exposed to somebody Saturday that notified her yesterday night that they tested positive for Covid. We setup an appointment last night and she got tested today, so now we're in aggressive lock down as we wait. We will hear by Saturday at the latest if she tested positive. Many plans are falling apart for the next few days. Sad that it's my mom's 82nd Birthday and we could not be together but she's OK with that and I'm just grateful that she was notified when she was and that we didn't go over to my mom's then find out while there or later that Jen's at risk. Watched "Letter to You" documentary and liked it very much. It's well alighted with the introspective way I myself view aging, and what I would consider the 3rd Act, if I'm being optimistic. Had a nice breakfast with Lauren while Tommy worked out. And he used some Doordash points to spring for Opa dinner delivery. Worked out great. He's restless but we're all in aggressive quarantine.

Tightrope Tensions

This morning, while siting with my daughter having a light breakfast while waiting for my son to complete his morning workout just down and around the corner, I opened my laptop and returned to refining a pretty important document. Something I've been working towards for months. The act of managing my many varied feelings about the many varied scenarios around which this document is intended to convey is, well, difficult. Because I'm thing to take a stand. Trying to save a life. Trying to mend a broken umbilical cord. Trying to rescue. Trying to hold someone accountable. Trying to earn respect. Trying to be treated fairly. Trying to soften the blow.

Past few days have been busy. Had J&C over for take out from Ristorante de Maria last night. Enjoyed the food immensely, and the wine liberally. Kids were here and hung out. Tommy was of course in full blown charisma mode while Lauren and I gave each other frequent and confirming glances as we enjoyed the show. This house is small, though. Too small when it's too cold to use the patio. Had a concern a few days back about Oreo, but all is good. I sent a 'heads up' to Linda about the 4 things we need to agree on and the setting of a court date. Did so this am, have not heard anything back and neither kids implied any indication something had upset her. Hopefully we'll come to come agreements. I'll write more about that later and elsewhere. Work has been ok but me, not so sure. Again, more elsewhere, later.

Stock Letters

My daughter talked me into buying AMD, and is now promoting AMC. I see a pattern.

 

Scottie managed to keep me up part of the night, standing guard at the back bedroom door or awaiting the return of Jennifer which wasn't gonna happened until mid-morning. Lauren and I took a detour into LG to get a crepe at the Farmer's Market before dropping her at Pano. Tommy spent most of the day at Caden's which gave me time to chill out. I watched "Dark Money" and really enjoyed it, although it's thoroughly depressing to realize how little opportunity there is for any influence or representation that's not filtered by and controlled through special interests. It's sickening. I like being conscious of it and it will certainly impact my actions going forward. I am torn between wanting to be an aggressive activist to just making the rest of my life focused on enjoying life, while I have it, regardless of the machinations that control our political systems. On the other hand, there's so many areas of progress that have been made over hundreds of years that took lifetimes to see substantial changes in. So complacently won't move us foward as a society and species. And it's disheartening that some people only see opportunities for themselves without weighing the impact on the opportunities of others.

Snuck out w/Lauren to get a Bagel en route to Pano without bringing Tommy along. He gets enough time with me. May do the same tomorrow given that she'll be working 12-6. Good work day, turned around some GDPR related responses and updates quickly, followed up on other in flight tasks and will be working on other stuff this weekend. I wrestle with gratitude for the position and resentment that we're not as proactive as I would prefer. Yet as I consider the circumstances, proactive or not, this is a wacko time for business. Made a zoom backdrop of Nodding Lady for next meeting, that could be fun to see who gets it. The afternoon was a series of fluid stops going 1st to drop Tommy, drop ballots, return to retrieve Tommy, stopping at Carl's to get the drone, stopping at Vijtoria's to get Lauren, then a later drop of Tommy at Vinnie's, Costco, Moms, Retrieve Tommy and Vinny and return to Matson. I appreciated that it was smooth, logistically sound and the pieces all fell into place nicely. Watched the final episode of "Hacking the Mind", which spoke to the idea of using social mediate like the Chinese do, with a point system, and the pros and cons and opportunities of that approach. It was mind-opening and it brought back my own believe that nobody can 'hide' who they are in social media. Oh, watched "Portrait of Jennie" early and will return to my screenplay reading momentarily. Reserving judgement for the moment.

I just realized, while writing, that my use of the phrase "when they are online" in reference to individuals in today's society, was today unnecessary. When are they not?

Picked up Tommy from the Gym this am and retuned to follow through on the planned termination of a recent hire. Sucks having had to do so, but the needs we have were not being met by the skills they possess, which were expected to be broader. The remainder of the work day was fine. I did have to run Tommy to/from practice, and he ran with me at lunch to quickly drop 'n swap TV's for my mom. The new one is so much better for her needs. She can have 'all in one' remote control to watch or stream content, the UI is easy and simple, and the set has an ethernet connection so it allows for far better load time and speed. Her Vizio works well in our patio, and the patio set is now in Tommy's room for use as a monitor or running the AppleTV v3. We watched the Biden Town Hall, then the Trump version, and my god what a vast chasm exists between the two. I have hope for a Biden win, but remain distraught at the lack of integrity in the system, and the fact that we have populace that's so unwilling to find a way to come together and work through the BS and false statements and settle on a reasonable set of social rules and programs. It seems completely out of the question, but this way isn't working and never will. I recall years back considering getting involved in local politics at the town council level. I looked up the application form and process and quickly concluded that the barriers and bullshit would be far more than I would be willing to deal with. And after the fiasco with the development on Panorama and how that got pushed through, I knew that I would have little power unless I was willing to play ball with greater powers and puppeteers. Not for me.

Challenging day. Linda's 60th, and getting Tommy to make it a good day was a struggle. And for frustration he might feel about the circumstances, it seems extreme and unwarranted. Those two need counseling. But then so do I. It's still sad to me that we are not able to end on better terms, it would be nice to have been able to directly acknowledge this day. I believe Lauren did her best to make it positive. And I hope Tommy comes to an understanding soon about the need to maintain a better relationship. I have to stop trying to effect a positive change if the response will be what it has been all along. It was also challenging due to some work tasks I have to address that are not pleasant. I was grateful to have Jon stop by mid-day to hand off the TV that got passed my way for my mom, which turns out to have a good integration of apps and will be a win-win for her needs. Watching the 3rd day of the Supreme Count confirmation hearings only further made me realize the magnitude of what a change of this nature to the courts is. So much is really at risk. I'm trying to grown in a way where I put myself more in the other person's shoes. I did this today with respect to many events, including the political nature of the hearing. I think beliefs, even my own, should mean zero in an advanced society based on absolute science. So many of the conflicts between parties feel founded in deeply held beliefs about right and wrong, and no one 'truth' can exist when it comes to a belief. It might be that the pendulum is about to swing violently. I'm watching closely so I can avoid it's edge.

I had a pretty tough night Sunday, felt horrible. Just awful nausea and queasy too. Hate throwing up, avoided and managed to succeed in that but man, it was just brutal. It made me consider how the concept of 'mind' and 'body' being separate, and how we're souls in a transport mechanism…. Well, if that's true we're hard wired to experience the physical in very significant ways. I have been sick in my past, in a few instances, to such a degree that it was like a bad drug trip just trying to get from the couch to the bedroom. That's how this felt but for about an hour. It lasted throughout the Day Monday too. It was likely a crap load of crap loaded into my gut throughout the day. Cookies, wine, fried foods, just stuff I can't handle any more. I've known others in my circle to have "diverticulitis" and maybe that's what this was. Whatever the case I've recovered and I'm mindfully avoiding those foods again. Work day went well, and I ran out mid-day to pickup the AppleTV Jon had offered me, along with a TV set that's too big for my mom's needs. But he's passing along a better option because his 'next in line' for the set I declined had one they'd be replacing to pass along too. It's a big day for swapping TVs. I'll get it setup and to my mom ASAP. Tommy's still staying with us but is going to his mom's tomorrow for her Birthday, and I'm pressing him to be kind and respectful and put some effort into repairing some damage. I love him but he's a challenged at times and it would please me to no end to have him going to his mom's 2 or 3 days a week on his own. I've mentioned that already, I think. Work day was good, but I was distracted and want to be focused and really productively engaged tomorrow. I enjoy the end of a day spent managing things well. GNO tonight was great. Everybody was there and the range of interaction and discussions was welcome and much needed. I've been feeling like self-isolation and putting further energy into other endeavors. We have had our hit and miss instances but I suspect that's the way it is for each of us, just seldom in tandem. My hit might be another's miss. It depends on the balance of topics and interests and for me it was well paced and refreshing. Closing off the night by starting through Dean and Karen's screenplay. I received it with a sense of envy, remorse and inspiration. If they can do this, I can too, and maybe giving up on my ambitions to leave something of substance behind isn't quite necessary yet.

Oh, and this post makes 2 years of this blog. Wow. I don't often look back but I have and it's been a really good thing to have done. Ultimately, I've significantly pirated from or abandoned my other writing spaces, but what I've captured has given me a chance to recognize some areas of growth, and no-growth too. I've become more conscious, daily, on what's going on around me. Not constantly, but more often. Taking photos, recognizing a positive exchange, reflecting on snapping over something insignificant all contribute to efforts I'm making to live more in the present. I still need to stop whining, and start doing much much more. I think that'll be something I look back on in 365 with a sense of accomplishment and foreshadowing.

Given the choice to watch the live Apple Event announcing new products or Senate confirmation hearings for a new Supreme Court justice, I went with the latter without a moment's hesitation. I guess I'm, what, an adult now? :-/

Took Tommy to LGSR and walked from there to the dam at Vasona and back, with time to spare. Returned to listening to "Escaping the Rabbit Hole" on my walk and later in the evening. Checked out a pawn shop w/Tommy just for the hell of it. Watched "The Great Hack" and further cemented my desire to abandon all social media. Dinner at Garret Station w/Lauren, Treat Ice Cream at home. A simple easy going day.

Tommy chose not to go to the Gym this am and having gotten up in order to take him, it afforded me a bit of time to reflect on the opportunity it might provide me to engage more in doing so. Namely, it'll get me up and out early, and once there, it's a 2min drive to where I can park and walk Vasona, listen to audiobooks, maybe take the dog, and get some space I need for myself. Conversely, I could also get a coffee and use an outdoor table at the nearby Panera where I could write, meditate, read and more. Ultimately, the routine he's looking to establish is a chance for me to do the same. So tomorrow we'll give it a shot.

I'm in a shitty mood. Work started great, but went right into chaos mode with multiple 'fires' cropping up just as we finished spent planning. Then I started wrestling with MSOffice accounts and, I won't go into it here, but it's just a frickin' mess. We're always wrestling with shortcuts or intentional processes that prevent stumbling over it later. I'm stumbling over something that was a shortcut. Tommy was here all day and he was great. Really great. I still have to get out of the habit of anticipating annoyance and be more grateful to have him here at all. I get annoyed at the daily request to take him to the gym, but I assume it's not appreciated when it is or will be in time. AND it's time with him I will miss someday. So, I guess I just answered my "I'll let you know" response to him asking just before bed, again. Meanwhile, Lauren's not here as she's with her mom at the hotel while more work is done on the Panorama bathrooms. Hopefully she's be able to come tomorrow and/or Sat PM instead of Sunday. New doorbell arrived and installed. Eddie Van Halen died today. Did'nt hit me at first but maybe that was my shitty mood getting in the way. Beyond the grudge I have held since the day he took Valerie out of circulation, and some of the light shed on his behavior and lifestyle in Sammy Hagar's book, it strikes me that he was only 6 years older than me, and yet another person who was influential in my lifespan and generation, is gone. I've also been thinking lately about my effort to learn, and the responsibility that comes with it. If I want to learn about history, the mind, meditation, and mindfulness, what will I do with it from there? Will I just learn it, remember what I can, forget the rest and move onto something else? Or... am I going to do something with it? Pass it on? Expand on it? Add my voice to a vast chorus? The obvious choice is the latter. It's my responsibility. Perhaps it's my purpose, too. There's gotta be one out there, somewhere, right?

Tommy was pretty out-of-site for much of the day and, with a few course corrections or reminders, fitting into the dynamic with less chaos than I initially feared. We have to work out the whole 'gym' schedule but that's manageable. Went to my mom's, enjoyed a Ruben Quiche and we watched Hamilton. I think she enjoyed it. I know I did. I have yet to grow tired of it, and will still go see it again once there's an option to do so. Felt good to visit my mom. I'm going to increase the time and frequency of visits because I know it's hard being so isolated. It's good for me too. Except for the carbs. :-).

Yesterday was relatively low-key. Lauren went back to Pano w/her mom while Tommy stayed w/us. He/I ended up doing some driving about and getting her to Viktorjia's and back to feed animals while they're away. I'm happy to have him with us but it will require some adaption of routine and expectations. I'm used to a 'balance' of opportunities to focus in specific areas of my own and that's going to need to be restructured. I'm thinking more these days about the limited time I have to put into anything goal-oriented and once again, feeling like I need to reduce distractions further. Even stuff like keeping up on the daily news or watching SNL is really a waste of time, when that same time can be spent finding motivations in other podcasts, reading more, or just being still. I like being still, or at least, having some level of calm balance out the chaos, anxiety and uncertainty that is the world we live in these days. I'm expecting some drama this week regarding the custody change. I punted going to my mom's to tonight so I'll be there this evening to watch Hamilton with her. Last night Scottie was all amp'd up about noises and smells in the back yard. We had the doors open and it was fun to get up and just sit with him as he stood guard, smelling the air and moving his head about in short fast movements, looking about for the cat, squirrel, rat or possum that was bound to traverse the fence or wires. It was worth getting up for. This AM Tommy's whipping up some Chorizo 'n Eggs for breakfast. "Noice!".

How can a day that starts with Old Soul not start out well? My god, their coffee is so damned good. Ordered and received a 5lb bag and put a lot of effort into grinding some and storing some in air-tight containers so it doesn't go 'stale' as the last round did. I followed through on the idea of taking Lauren driving, which we did first thing. Then we all, Dog included, and Tommy as a last minute concession, went to Devil's Slide. The idea was to go, hike it, return, and stop at Gorilla on the way back. Tommy ended up enjoying it, as did we all, especially Scottie. I rode in the back so Lauren could get some front-seat time. We got lucky with parking, too. Jen asked if I knew if Gorilla was even open and I said "Nope". I googled it when we got back to the car and it said they opened at 12. It was 11.58! We got there, parked and found a LONG line. We waited 1hr, 20min but it was SO worth it. I got frustrated trying to find a place to eat as we drove through the hillsides and backroads looking for a park. We found one, enjoyed an amazing lunch and took a load of food home for later too. Tommy rode up front on the way back and Scottie crashed from exhaustion in the back. I did the same for about an hour when we got home and forced myself up/out w/Tommy who wanted to drive. It went south when, after getting iced coffee from Starbucks drive through, I learned that by default, iced coffee at Starbucks includes "4 pumps" of sweetener. And it sucked. I went on my soapbox about how there's no indication in ordering it, that it'll include sweetener and I think they are both starting to see me as I occasionally see my mom. As irritable and cranky and too prone to get derailed by something you can't really change and doesn't warrant the energy. Then after getting a replacement I got mad that Tommy was meandering home vs going straight there so the iced drink we had for Jen didn't melt in the 90º heat. We got past it, eventually. We returned, and Nigel and Marissa came by after time with my mom. It was really great to see them both and we hung out on the patio, drank wine and chatted with the kids. I'm grateful for them both, he's awesome, she's awesome, and I am going to press to setup more visits. Quarterly, hopefully. Jon also dropped off our Martin Ranch BYOBordeaux, and we sent him home w/a 2014 Argentinian Malbec from GOBM to see what he thought. I started the day with a desire to break out of a rut, not spend the day in auto-pilot, not be sedentary or "Kill" time finding something to occupy it over taking a conscious active role in choosing what I wanted to accomplish. And it worked out great. Planning to continue it tomorrow.

I"m not proud of some of the things I'm doing, at times, and conflicted with pride at the same time. For example, let's say, hypothetically, I was filing court papers to change custody for the remainder of their 17th year. I'd feel bad doing so, knowing that it's going to introduce drama, hurt, ill will and bad feelings, and resentment. I don't want that. Yet I would be doing it for the right reasons while lamenting being the one stirring the pot. It's sorta like that. Pride for intent and action, regret for the way it's perceived. Something's on my mind. Anyway, the kids are here, were all day, and it was low key. In/Out run as a late lunch then dropping Tommy at LGSR. Jen made a Chicken Picatta the was incredible. I can't believe, sometimes, how we ended up being together but it's really a good pairing, we work well, even though my anxieties and introspection seem alien to her. Tommy did a mountain drive, up one side and back around the other. I'm getting more comfortable with him behind the wheel while trying to keep him from being too comfortable just yet. 6-months, minimum, should be rigidly aggressively conservative. He did great. I want to take Lauren out again and let her do more driving, maybe I'll surprise her tomorrow am. Watch "Hacking the Mind – Weapons of influence" on PBS. It's REALLY good and expands on "The Social Dilemma" without the dramatic side to 'simplify' the concepts. Fascinating. I'm really intrigued by what lies ahead for the world, as far as educating vs commercializing, the way we connect as a species. Fingers crossed with rolled eyes.

My god it's after 11pm. I need more time in a day. More time to be present, focused and productive in my job, as a father, with my wife. I need more time to stem the tide and onslaught of dirty dishes, dust, and all the items that need to be put back from whech they came. I need more time to be a patient son and help my mother more with computer problems, access to entertainment content, and companionship. I have so few strong friendships that I can rely on for support of my own and I need to improve those within reach and reach out to those I need to reconnect to. And I need more time to write. I've got a few ideas of things I want to author and put out there, amongst the thicket of exhaustingly endless writers already flooding medium.com and every other corner of the internet. AKA the world. I've got something to give and something's got to give in order for that to be realized. Meanwhile, the Petco deal issues got resolved, and honestly, I could have been less oppositional or more proactive when the whole thing spun up, but it was isolated and not reasonable. Kids are with us tonight, Tommy starts staying through Oct (at this stage) tonight, Lauren will remain on the schedule but that will hopefully be an option fo her two. She'd just have to learn to balance her needs, be where she wants to be out of desire and intent, not obligation or fear. I think, too, Tommy MUST have SOME feelings about the circumstances other than a sense of accomplishment and freedom. Feelings about his apparent conversation with his mom in which she conceded, or perhaps a sense of loss regarding his mom's concession, and perhaps a loss of a critical emotional connection. I'm likely overthinking it. I would not be surprised if he was back at Pano at least one night within the next 7. And that will be wonderful because it'll be at his discretion. Also, we learned earlier this week that Scottie is a combination of a Yorkshire Terrior and a Bichon Friesse. Or as Lauren calls it, "Bitchin Freeze'. Face palmed myself tonight over realizing that when having lunch with Jack I locked the gate 'cause Jen prefers it, but the gardners were locked out and could only do the front. I'm usually all over that. Last note, goal topic, getting in gear for Q4 and hitting that EOY target, along with some much needed upper body toning and tightening up. Gotta start now, not next week, but tomorrow. Start a routine. Because, you know, you have all this free time to fill. :-/