My son and his mom have a rather toxic relationship. They are trapped in a hopeless dynamic of endless rebuttals and dismissive dissent. They can't help themselves, it seams, as it has become their nature. Just as it was the nature between his mom and his grandmother for all of the time I knew them. There's a battle for respect raging between them. A battle or compassion, consideration, and control. It has been bad and only gotten worse until this month, when he started living with us full time. This was a temporary measure. At least it was in her mind, while I was not sure how it would play out and wanted to wait and see.
I saw the writing on the wall early on. I realized the only chance to save him from doing more damage, and from her not being able to stop back from the emotional responses she feels in order to give him the space to think things through, was to get him out of that environment. Now that he's here and more than half a month in he still could not make it for even a few minutes at Panorama, on her birthday of all days, without verbally abusing her.
It's horrible. It sincerely breaks my heart. I try over and over to convey to him how important it is to repair the rift and build bridges to reach a new way of engaging. However that has to be approached with the same intentions from both of them. I have tried repeatedly to convey to her how I find ways to best manage the frustrations yet it's never well received.
He can say some pretty cruel and dismissive things. He can be cocky and arrogant too. But what's proving toe be the biggest challenge for me, this month, has been the toxicity of having the very dynfucnction I had to escape from actually tricking back into my life and new home through his misdirected and habitual behavior.
I have said "I'm not your enemy and I'm not working against you" so many fucking times these past few weeks it's in the double digits. I told Jen tonight how this was really having negative effects on me, emotionally. I don't want to have to go 'grey rock' with my son when my desire is to make the most of the time we have and build out our relationship as he approaches adulthood. The nit-picking and constant critiquing and commentary are reminiscent of days long past. All of this is to say that, as much as I love him, I find his being here 24x7 a significant change with negative impacts that will hopefully dissipate with time and, sigh, continued and increased patience.
What I was writing this morning at Panera was an email to his mom, laying out the specifics as to my wanting them both to have the rights to choose where they go when they want, amongst other changes to our MSA and custody agreements, and that I've filed with the courts for a hearing via my lawyer in case we can't come to agreements.
It's hard doing so as it's not my desire to have this acrimony and tension and yet it's frustrating and aggravating to be carrying the full brunt of financial responsible for them still, and managing ancillary costs for many things alone, and that the house will have to be sold immediately if anything happened to my job because she's not taking on the same level of responsibility as me, and that I am so constantly told what damage I have done and continue to do to the kids and how I've pointed him against her. And more.
I literally worried about his mental well being after taking him back there af few times very much against his will. I feared the damage he might to do the house, her or himself.
I believe I've made the right decision for everybody concerned and hopefully this will not be as big of a drama or chalet to manage as I've been fearing.
Perhaps. It's too soon to tell.