Lauren worked Sunday, so Tommy and I used the time for an epic 5-6hr drive to practically every road-closure surrounding the fires. It was something we both needed and both enjoyed. Burger Pit dinner. Watched Cobra Kai series on Netflix, revisiting the Karate Kid characters decades later. This am there was a bit of drama (brief) regarding kids drop off vs zero period schedule, and expected days. I gotta remember the voicemail, it's so telling as to the assumptions and contempt. Wow. I'm feeling a bit anxious about work, as usual. I ran to Apple in Palo Alto and I was told the AirPods I bought Tommy were indeed fake. The seller didn't reply to calls or texts. Sic'ing Tommy on 'em. :-) I Had a productive PM w/kids and Jen making a Costco run, dropping stuff at mom's then returning home for a dog walk and more Cobra Kai.

My media server died the other day, which gave me the inspiration to rethink the value and benefits of maintaining it. I decided to let it go. I dramatically thinned what I kept to a scant handful of things I know I’ll watch again, or have yet to watch and cannot find online elsewhere, and I found a simple option to access them within the home but not remotely, which is fine. One less thing to manage. Tommy’s been coming over off-schedule which is fine, but the conflict and drama it causes between he and his mom is never pleasant. Or necessary. That’s something that has to change but only so much is within my control. We visited my mom and Lindsey yesterday which was very pleasant, and Lindsey is taking the jars to Marissa next week while visiting for a couple of days. Mary and Dominic brought lasanga over and we enjoyed a nice dinner, drank the ‘15 Estate Cab from Martin Ranch, and then hung on the patio with dessert and whiskey and had a great time. The whiskey snuck up on me thought and I had serious bed-spins. I’ve not done that for some time. I won’t again. Ugh. At least it came on after they left.

I've been sleeping better of late, for which I am grateful. I started focusing on getting things done again. Especially when it comes to upkeep at home. I let it slide for awhile but I resumed and enjoyed taking time to enjoy a podcast, which I also drifted from over the past few weeks. I had issues accessing the Plex server which led to my finding out the HD died. I'm annoyed about this as another thing to manage. And i thought about it and decided I wanted to just let it go, take a break, walk away, return when I have the time and interest. Felt awesome to do that so naturally. A few things continue to move through Craigslist in the past few days and the 'reducing bug' is infecting me. I want to thin out everything I can. My apartment was my dream-space of simplicity, yet it still had too much stuff. Took kids home this am after 10 due to class scheduled and it worked SO well. Tommy was pleasant. I don't now about with her but he was great with me. Just great. I needed that.

Of course the day started with birthday wishes going to both kids. We enjoyed a wonderful dinner this evening at DryCreekGrill and I posted something about today on another blog. It was great to see Martin this morning and to catch up. I've said it before, I've known him longer than anybody other than my brother and mother. We've had a long friendship with lots of stories, and although our paths and beliefs are different, our respect for each other as good people is dominant. I'm hoping to get David down soon and if so, we'll all connect. I managed to get through a 2x trip to Home Depot in order to get the herb drip in place which felt like a good quick-hit accomplishments. I'm anticipating a focused productive workday tomorrow.

An Age Old Desire To Please

They're 17. They are 17. They. Are. SEVENTEEN. That thought keeps running thru my head, and my response is disbelief. I can not comprehend how this is been possible. How has that much time has flown by so quickly, and with only occasional conscious recognition of that fact? Occasions like today.

I didn't want kids and she did. I resisted until I had a literal deadline to make a yes/no decision by. I was a wreck but I felt like I must be on some path of growth and enlightenment. I felt like I was being corned by the universe into doing something I did not want to do, because I did not realize what I would be missing out on.

When I agreed to have a family, well, things just when wild. I'll spare you all the details, but I pretty much went numb for a several years and "came too" in the delivery room when my daughter was whisked away and my son was placed wigging in my arms. My trembling, sobbing arms. I did not know what hit me, and I still don't. Perhaps I was just so 'in the motions' and so 'sleepwalking' through all the years of numerous paths, I was holding my son, my daughter was being 'triaged' due to the cord having been wrapped around her neck, and their mother was struggling to recover and experience the moment in unison.

Everything changed that day. Everything. My focus changed. My drive changed. My expectations, goals, anxieties, aspirations and ideals all changed. I changed. And it's been nonstop ever since. Just go back and read my posts from all the years past. As they grew, I grew. And the challenges of the separation and divorce forced all the more growth and adaptation on all of our parts. And prices were paid that I'd never accounted for, which I'm still trying to pay back.

The experiences we've shared, the memories we've made, and the chance I've had to hopefully be a positive influence in SOME way, have been so worth it all. The past few years has seen them grown and our relationships change even more. I have realized, with some help, that they've grown into their increasing independence, as it had been for me. My parents were absolutely not the center of my life growing up, and although the degree of this could have been less, I certainly want to ensure my kids have their own friends, lives, ambitions and experiences. I want them to go into the world confident and comfortable doing so. And knowing they have a home with us, each, always.

The universe was right. I had no idea what I'd have missed out on. And I am glad that I didn't.

Am I alone in the fact that almost every trip to the hardware store results in multiple trips? How much effort I make to ensure I know everything I need, it just seems that I routinely discover mid project that there's something I forgot.

Insight In Hindsight

A box arrived for Jennifer this week, and what she found inside it blew us both away. For me in a good way, and for her, well, it's complicated. The contents came from her cousin, and the box contained dozens and dozens of letters that had been exchanged between her mother and her recently deceased aunt, aka her mother's sister. What she knew of their relationship is completely different from this glimpse into their past.

I have had my own exposure to letters and documents between or related to my parents, grandparents and beyond and it's so fascinating to begin to flesh out more of the true character and person each of them was, outside of the limited view we ever had of them. That's a key point to remember in life as far as I'm concerned... we only ever really see all we are allowed, or have exposure to, of somebody. There's always so much more. So much so that it's part of why I tend to take a "Devil's Advocate" position about accusations, assumptions and judgement calls.

For Jen, the letters told a story she'd not known of before, and they confirmed some of her own upset about the disconnect she feels to this day from her mother, as well. The relationship she recalls between the two sisters was distant, tense and adversarial. Yet these letters were filled with intimate mentions of missing the other, of familial love and bonds. What changed? That was her question about the difference between what she saw between them in their later years, and what they apparently shared decades prior.

It got me thinking that, perhaps nothing changed significantly between them, but what she was reading was exposure and insight into aspects of her mom from a completely different angle. If they had been asked, would they have shrugged off the idea that anything had actually changed between them over the past 50+ years? Maybe they would say it's all in your head, you're being silly, or that you just don't understand them. And perhaps that's part of the truth, too. 

We as people tend to make our assumptions and draw our conclusions from very, very limited amounts of information. People are like icebergs, you only see the top 10 percent. I myself have been around people I had sized up in one way or another, then found myself speechless when I would learn something about them that completely changed my understanding of who they were. I also have the first hand experience of having been considered for years as a good person before having said or done something that went against somebody's grain, only to be told indirectly that "you have changed". Maybe I had and maybe that was a good change for me, or maybe I had not changed at all. Maybe they just didn't know something about me until that moment that they had not liked or agreed about or identified with, and once they did, was it "me" that changed, or their perspective?

Getting back to the box, one other really awesome moment I want to capture is her having found letters containing a carpet swatch, and another continuing a wallpaper sample, both of which ended up being in the house she grew up in. My jaw dropped as she shared how she remembered playing with the stag carpet strands as she laid on the floor, or how she recognized the pattern and texture of the wallpaper now in her hands. There's something magical about having remnants of your childhood still in your possession, and something exponentially magical when it pops up unexpectedly out of know where.

It's been quite a stressful past day or two. The dog was acting weird and having the 'runs' all night and then … blood was coming out. Vet run, a day of waiting and $800 later he checked out OK and was given antibiotics and such. And in trying to determine what caused this, Lauren pointed out my having given him bacon. I did, as I was cooking some up, and I gave him a good amount of the yummy fat, which he gobbled up. Only, dog's don't fare well eating bacon. It causes, well.. yeah, what we went through. He's on the mend now so that's good, but it was another reminder of illness, aging, eventualities and my desire to be present and experience all I can while I can. Feels that way w/the kids too, as they're about to turn 17 tomorrow, and I'm hoping to get some 1:1 time with Tommy this weekend because we've not for awhile and I think he needs some connection. Lauren's doing well, but I think she holds a lot it. There was a fiasco of sorts related to him coming to Matson off-custody and with school work yet to do. He's struggling there, and so is Lauren, and I feel powerless as to effecting any change for them. The smokey skies continue as the fires continue but appear to be getting under relative control, 20% contained in some instances, I believe. I'm looking forward to catching up with Martin at Philz tomorrow.

An enjoyable day, with serious smoke and haze for most of he day. Tackled getting a bunch of stuff sorted out and some things on CL too. Looking to thin out more clutter. Black Angus w/Lauren and Jen, no Tommy who was off with friends at the Perc Ponds. Watched "Three Identical Strangers", fascinating documentary about twins, separation, adoption and a sealed study about nature vs nurture. It was fascinating and I've always wondered what studies of this nature would show us, yet never really considered 'the individual' as a casualty. It's complicated but I'm on the fence about how I feel about it because how else might such a question be answered? I missed Tommy today and I think a good 1:1 day soon is in order.

Northern California fires have been wiping out massive forests that are near and dear to me. It's been jawdroping to fathom the scope of destruction and loss happening in real time. It just seems overwhelming to have so many things going haywire. We've stayed low, inside, and the smoke's cleared for now but fires still burn and are barely contained. In other news it's been a good week w/the start of a new hire, and I'm trying to focus on hope for positive business growth in conjunction with the struggles we're working through. Fingers crossed. I'm back at the target weight after a minor gain due to the Paso trip. Watched DNCC stuff and commented w/Steve about how the marketing aspects of the virtual convention were glaringly transparent. But I'm hopeful that this political climate turns around. I fear having hope, though, as I still remember the election results of 2016 and how dumbfounded I felt.

 

It's been a busy weekend. Work continues to provide opportunities for pride and anxiety. I managed to proactively clear out the patio tables and chairs I'd gotten from Jess some time back (Thank you) by putting them on CL and giving them away to a teacher doing outdoor classes. The two wooden chairs I snagged from Tom Mangano's giveaway are now being used by AJ and Brooke next door. Such cute kids. The new fence goes in tomorrow. I managed to get my mom's car smogged late last week too. Jen used her new Solar Oven to roast a chicken, make a cake, make beef stew and bake ribs too. It's awesome and keeps the house cool. Something REALLY valuable in this insane weather week. Saturday was surreal. high humidity, thunder and lightening and ridiculous heat. It was pretty unbearable. My mom's power was out for about 12+hrs. We rode it out but, and I don't know the source, my head was killing me, specifically when my neck was moved suddenly. It's still that way but seems to be reducing. I'm hoping it's some sort of anomaly and not something more problematic. Watched the movie "Sideways" w/Jen. I'd seen it before, but like other movies I've watched again after 20+ years of life experience, what you see, catch and even take away with you can be vastly different. It makes me want to write. I posted a new blog entry today after breaking a glass and being in just the right creative sativa mind to do so. I had traction and I ran with it. I hope to keep the pace. I have so much left to say.

Shattered Expectations

20min ago I was standing by the sink, pouring some heavy cream into a small jar of coffee that has been in the fridge, chilling, since yesterday. I turned slightly and felt a gentle pressure against my upper back-arm for a moment and then the pressure released. Before the sound reached my ears I knew what had just happened. The scattering sounds of a shattering drinking glass left precariously close to the edge of the counter followed my thought process as a stoic acknowledgement of my assumption.

I hate broken glass, with extreme prejudice. I have fears related to broken glass going well into my youth. My experiences including aggressively digging through a kitchen trashcan looking for something I'd unintentionally discarded only to be widely skewered by the upright base of a drinking glass very much like the one I know just hit the ground. My mid-80s company beach outing ended with my "fire-pit parlor trick" of consuming a glass of Chardonnay with no hands going horribly wrong. I stepped on a very small piece of glass about 15 years ago that logged into my big toe in a manner that was simply too deep to extract, resulting in a podiatrist visit to sit and watch the blood-drenched extraction in real time. These are just a couple of examples.



And there was that whole "Omen" scene with the priest and the rolling truck filled with stacked panes of glass. When my ex-wife and I rented the duplex on Cartlon Ave I expressed my hesitations about standing too close to the large glass street-facing picture window out of fear that the non-safety glass in place would prove fatal with just the wrong angle of stumble or fall. And yet, I could (and did) lean my full-body weight up against the observation tower windows at the top of the World Trade Center just two months before they came crashing down.



Oh, and of course, when this all just happened, when I knocked the glass to the ground, yeah, I was barefoot.



I stood at the sink, hands resting on the counter as I glanced back at the fan-shaped splay of glass, freshly broken down to the finest dust-sized grains of sand, and I signed. It's a work day and I was working. I was just getting some coffee while mentally composing a response to a text I had just received regarding my son being at my house at the time, outside of his custodial time with her (I'll save that for another blog) when this all happened, and the big pause-button in the sky turned red.



My son had just left and this poorly placed glass incident was all his fault. Sorta. My gut wanted to go there out of irritation and frustration that my routine insistence that glasses not be set in the sink, for the same reason, failed to also instill a consideration of the risks that accompany it's placement at the edge of a counter. Silly me. I guess for me, with my phobia and/or experienced insight, think it should be as inherently obvious as not striking a match while standing next to a stack of crates labeled "Acme Explosives Inc.". I wished he was still there because I wanted to blame it on him, instead of me, but I stopped myself. Because it wasn't in the sink, and it's placement was, although close to the edge, still on the dish drainer I was standing too close to from the get go.



It's hard sometimes to put a gut-reaction on hold. I muttered and mumbled profanities as I cautiously and carefully navigated my way out of that glass-filled region, but with a freshly made resignation to just roll with this. I pulled out the trash and started carefully looking for sparkling bits and pieces reflecting against the kitchen lights above. I worked my way carefully through most of it until I could safely retrieve a broom from the adjacent room, only to discover, while returning with said broom, that I had been gracefully spared the skin-piercing impact of an upward pointing shard along the path I'd just walked. I had overlooked during my cleanup pass #1, and could have easily just put my full weight on it. Jesus, I really hate broken glass.



I swept, swept again, vacuumed, corner and edge vacuumed, under the fridge vacuumed, and all-nooks-and-crannies vaccumed too. Then, I checked the dog's water bowl and dish. It was well out of expected range but, you know, just in case. It's the dog.



I love drinking from glass but I hate everything to do with broken glass. I love the taste of burnt-to-a-crisp hash-browns but despise how it all gets into the steel wool when cleaning out the cast iron pan. I love the sound of live music but hate the crowds that typically require navigating around. I love when technology "just works" and find it infuriating when something as simple as sending an ApplePay payment to a good friend in order to cover 1/2 of a case of newly released Bordeaux blend from a favorite Morgan Hill winery takes me about 5 tries over a 24hr time span. My life seems to be stuck in an endless love/hate loop.



This sort of shit just happens and not just to me, but to all of us. It's valauble to recognize the universal nature of it. All said and done, one minor every-day drama was managed in about 20 minutes, without shedding blood or tears. And yes, after the cleanup, I made sure the base of the lastest increment in my lifetime counter of broken-glass incidents was set safely into the trash, pointing down.

Kids got up and out in time this am for bagels en route to day 1 of Junior year. Virtual, as it is. And they were dropped at Matson after 6pm. The repairman came and confirmed the issue was, as I had concluded, the starter relay for the condenser. It even rattled when he shook it, as it would if broken.It was fixed in under 5 min for $140. The part would have cost me $30 or so, but I didn't want to wait and mess around with it and find out I'd misjudged the issue. Worth the $100 to get it done right and without my additional time and frustrations. We're covering it, too, even though Zach said they'd pay it. They've been great and we don't mind giving back, especially when it's our wear and tear that contributed to it. Good Karma. Tommy was irritated and distant tonight, and i'm getting the vibe that it's frustrations with home. I wouldn't mind him coming over off cycle more if he'd be more appreciative and agreeable and less caustic. I'll try to give him some breadth but it's hard sometimes. I'm not alone here and Jen doesn't deserve to be in a contentious environment. I watched 25th hour, this time paying full attention. I liked it alot. Great characters and very "Spike" in the writing and dialog. Worth having revisited. Started watching "Da 5 bloods" but stopped 1/2 way because I was distracted and it was making me nervous, like a Tarantino film would. I have to be fully focused for that stuff.

I want to be the guy that's always able to roll with anything, without being phased. I'm not. Sure there's been instances wherein I'm able to manage a crisis with grace and ease but there's just as many, if not more, instances that just trip my overload switch. Tonight was one of those moments. The day was decent, we completed interviews for the FE position and that's a big accomplishment. Tommy came over to work on his computer but he's being a massive pain in the ass with attitude, with dismissive insulting behavior and with total disrespect. I can't stand him after he's been at his moms, he brings the conflict with him. Then to top it all off the fridge stopped working. Appears to be the relay switch based on reading/watching videos and isolating the clicking sound indicative of the problem. But it irritates the FUCK out of me. I get so frustrated that I don't have tools I need because I abandoned them at Pano years ago. I get so annoyed with having to throw out food, or having to move things to the 2nd freezer, instead of being immediately grateful we even have that option. This shit happens but hits a nerve related to having to fix everything, having to stay ahead of things breaking, having to coordinate what is/is not kept, having to ask for help, not getting help from kids, and being made to feel like an awful person because I'm flustered that I have to spend my time on this at all. It's ridiculous and I'm so grateful that Jen knows to just let me vent and I'll come around, which I did, but Tommy's prone instead to poke the bear and annoy me further. Always with the comments. But at the end of the day the issues's mitigated, resolution is on the horizon, and I'm lucky to have what I have.

James was buried today in Madronia, in the space intentionally bought and held for him, shared with his Father, who was buried there over 20yrs ago. I was there for his Father's burial, instrumental in much of the undertakings (poorly timed pun intended) of that day that fell dramatically between the engagement and subsequent marriage to his sister, my now ex-wife. His story is a broad and complicated one, and during the time our lives intertwined, I wrestled with the positive aspects of a familial and at times good-friend aspects of our relationship, but also with frustration, confusion and irritation at the way the dynamics existed within their families lives and interactions.

I wasn't invited to Jay's service. If I understood correctly, the specific term used was "That man is not coming anywhere near this", or something of that general nature and tone. I'm OK with that for several reasons. I'm persona-non-grata in the Patterson clan, considered a snake, a betrayer, all without any fact-checking or ability to defend myself. All while remaining present, engaged and all while paying 100% of their living expenses. Yet, my former niece and nephew have been told they'll be disowned if they talk to me, by multiple siblings, too. And the last thing I would ever want to do would be to show up and cause any sort of upset or anger or distraction from the recognition of James's life amongst his family. That's exactly what my presence would bring.

When I left the marriage I wrote a short simple email to Jay. I simply said "Thanks" for being a part of my life and for good memories, and that I recognized and respected that an allegiance was expected and forthcoming. His response was as simple, saying thanks for reaching out and best wishes going forward. That was it. And that was about 6 years ago if I recall correctly. In the time since then he's been 'at death's door' on multiple occasions, managing to have survived about 3 times the projected life span his kidney/pancreas transfer bought him in the late 90's, before we met. I remember celebrating a 5 year milestone at Le Papillon in Saratoga, and the 10 year point too, and numerous other memories, high and low, throughout the years.

I'm sad that my perceived "cons" so overwhelm my numerous "pros" to the point that I'm dispensable. But I will fully admit no surprise. My path and my choices carry with it both loss and conflict. I knew going into this that the outcome could be this. I'd just hope it need not. That was only wishful thinking. 

Nor was it that my kids would be targeted. For whatever reasons, their 50+ year old adult uncle completely shunned them. He literally cried heavily at the service over the loss of the brother he has not spoken to for years, while snubbing his sister and her kids too. Let me say that again… he wept and lamented the lose of a family member he had completely removed himself from, intentionally… while snubbing another family member.

Am I the only one that see's this as being absolute insanity?

Nice morning with both kids. I really like them both, as people, and that's rewarding. Dropped Lauren at Vasona and Tommy at Pano. He voiced frustration over living there and details as to why. It's hard to hear and understand how bad things might really be, and hard to know who to believe. I reinforced to both that burying your brother is no easy experience and to be kind and supportive. Lazed about a bit before getting Aqui and going to see my mom. Nice visit. She's aging and I feel for her decreasing health. I ping'd David too. Napped a bit later at home thanks to the wine. Tommy came over and worked, and dropped a project off, and I returned him before a nice dinner w/Jen. Trying the velcro'd screen door tonight, keeping room cool while hopefully preventing Scottie from tree'ing a possum.

Nice day. Sweat Pea Caffee with Lauren before her work. Jen went to see Valerie.I setup the bedroom screen and other related tasks. Happy Hound for dinner. Ended the day watching "Filed of Dreams", after having listened to the CineFiles podcast earlier in the day about the same film. Wow. What an experience this movie has been in my life. It's universally known as the movie that will make any many cry. It always has, even tonight. But my perspective has changed so much in the past decades, as I've moved from relating to one character's perspective to another's. From that of the child to the parent of my own kids. I love the message that the moment's are 'now', not to come.

 Back from a few days in Paso. Got a good deal at Allegretto and greatly enjoyed returning. Found great wines, ventured out and about to Cambria and Morro Bay too. Wineries included Steinbeck, Mitchella, Tooth and Nail, and Sculptera.We tried a few excellent burger recommendations (with Cello onsite at Allegretto topping 'em all) and ended up bringing home about a dozen wines for our cellar or as gifts. Felt great to get away but also good to be home. We hope to return in October for a day or two, Tommy's got a friend (Logan) staying over and the new sectional is the default goto space for them to spread out. Lauren worked, and works tomorrow too, but only 6hrs so we'll have time before and after. I finally spent the time extending the wine storage space and reorganized it too, moving all whites to the kitchen and all reds in the cooler closet space, ordered by year, oldest at the top and the younger stuff in boxes where they'll age. We're actually at a point now where we have lots of drinkable options. Now that I'm back I'll be returning to the diet with a vengeance and striving to continue trimming back down.

I deeply appreciate this woman. I've gone through hell en route to her, it's cost me extensively in both monetary and emotional ways not only to get to this point but to embrace it in the face of great backlash. But, I'm honestly happy in this relationship. The give and take is not just in one direction, it's mutual: support, respect, consideration, responsibility, all of it. Happy birthday!

Mixed day. Got up early and started working right away on a backlog of tasks including pantry/bins, clearing out the bin of C2 junk I'd grabbed, trimming the back hedge, etc. Lost my shit w/Tommy over helping w/boxes I'd been asking about all week, and again later when he alluded to having a bunch of money but wouldn't tell me where it came from. We ended up taking it through but it 'broken' me for the moment, as I'm just worn down by the constant unnecessary need to argue. It's so hard to understand his reflex need to be standoffish. Lauren worked 12-6.30 and we grabbed Andalé for dinner. I listened to more of "A lot of people are saying" audiobook. Also read some good posts online about conspiracy theory stuff and it's fascinating. Struck me while discussing w/Jennifer how it's becoming in a way a 'new religion' and reaching a point of dogmatic refusal to consider anything that might disprove a conspiracy as anything other than a deception. It also made mw wonder where it will go over the next 20+ years. Not sure I'll be around for it, but I'm skeptical. Didn't post last night, but got onto a tear w/some tasks then, too, including car washing, power-washing the driveway and a number of other upkeep tasks. Maybe I'm getting obsessed about upkeep and order because I've let it slide a bit and it's wearing me down. I need a vacation. One starts Tuesday. Meanwhile, tomorrow is just 30 min away.