An Age Old Desire To Please

They're 17. They are 17. They. Are. SEVENTEEN. That thought keeps running thru my head, and my response is disbelief. I can not comprehend how this is been possible. How has that much time has flown by so quickly, and with only occasional conscious recognition of that fact? Occasions like today.

I didn't want kids and she did. I resisted until I had a literal deadline to make a yes/no decision by. I was a wreck but I felt like I must be on some path of growth and enlightenment. I felt like I was being corned by the universe into doing something I did not want to do, because I did not realize what I would be missing out on.

When I agreed to have a family, well, things just when wild. I'll spare you all the details, but I pretty much went numb for a several years and "came too" in the delivery room when my daughter was whisked away and my son was placed wigging in my arms. My trembling, sobbing arms. I did not know what hit me, and I still don't. Perhaps I was just so 'in the motions' and so 'sleepwalking' through all the years of numerous paths, I was holding my son, my daughter was being 'triaged' due to the cord having been wrapped around her neck, and their mother was struggling to recover and experience the moment in unison.

Everything changed that day. Everything. My focus changed. My drive changed. My expectations, goals, anxieties, aspirations and ideals all changed. I changed. And it's been nonstop ever since. Just go back and read my posts from all the years past. As they grew, I grew. And the challenges of the separation and divorce forced all the more growth and adaptation on all of our parts. And prices were paid that I'd never accounted for, which I'm still trying to pay back.

The experiences we've shared, the memories we've made, and the chance I've had to hopefully be a positive influence in SOME way, have been so worth it all. The past few years has seen them grown and our relationships change even more. I have realized, with some help, that they've grown into their increasing independence, as it had been for me. My parents were absolutely not the center of my life growing up, and although the degree of this could have been less, I certainly want to ensure my kids have their own friends, lives, ambitions and experiences. I want them to go into the world confident and comfortable doing so. And knowing they have a home with us, each, always.

The universe was right. I had no idea what I'd have missed out on. And I am glad that I didn't.